Another baby-related question: pressure from family about names

[AnnE-girl]

We may be finding out tomorrow if we are having a boy or a girl. DH didnt really want to find out, but I think it's a girl, and am sort of in denial about having to come up with boys' names unless I really have to. Most of the boy names I like have already been taken by friends and family members who have had a lot of boys.

 

I explained my reasoning to DH's family when we were at a big family get-together this weekend, and fil immediately started pushing for us to name the baby after him if it's a boy. Mil has told me already that fil is disappointed that none of the five grandsons have been named for him, and he wanted DH to be a junior, but mil said no. I just don't like the name and I don't like the pressure. My dad would never complain that he doesn't have a grandson named for him, at least not to his children or our spouses. This is our child to name.

 

Anyway, this may all be moot if this is a girl, but this really annoyed me, along with just too much time with in-laws generally this weekend. Thanks for letting me vent, and if anyone has stories about relatives pressuring you to choose certain names, please share. :-)

[zoobie]

Wait, your MIL wouldn't name her and FIL's kid his name and now she expects you to do it? She's nuts. Tell them all to have their own babies to name and back off yours.

[marbel]

You and your husband should choose the baby's name.

 

What reasoning did you explain to your husband's family?   I wonder if they felt you opened up the opportunity to put in their opinions about names when you did that? 

 

Anyway, yeah, your kid, your name.  But since it is your husband's family, he is the one who needs to tell them to back off.

[catz]

Totally agree with zoobie.  Do they know you're finding out the gender?  I would tell them they couldn't tell the gender and then just introduce the baby with the chosen name after he/she is born!  That is just nuts.

[Kiara.I]

Rule #1:  Never, ever, EVER discuss names with ANYBODY before baby has the name and is introduced, in person, with it.  ;)

 

Far too many people think it's socially appropriate to give input to new parents about their name choices.

 

(Now, if parents ASK on a forum what we think about naming their child "Brewer", I think it's fair to say that it reminds one strongly of beer and another name might be a better choice...)

[kristi26]

Wait, your MIL wouldn't name her and FIL's kid his name and now she expects you to do it? She's nuts. Tell them all to have their own babies to name and back off yours.

 

Lol at the above! :lol:

 

 

On another note, I have a story for you. MY maternal grandma had attempted to start a middle name trend in our family when she had my mom. You see HER middle name is Louise as is my mom's. They were both named for a great-great grandma or something that I never met.  I personally never liked my middle name, which is also Louise.  Maybe that has to do with the fact that I only ever heard it when I was in trouble! :glare:  Either way, when I was expecting our one and only girl, we were choosing names. Needless to say, our first name choice did NOT match the middle name Louise nor does it really work well with our last name. I was looking at variations on the name- Eloise being my favorite of the options- when my grandma brought up the fact that my daughter really NEEDED to have the middle name Louise. I told her my thoughts and she told me she didn't like it, it wasn't the same, and it wasn't an acceptable alternative. Sigh...so we gave her a totally different middle name that is completely unrelated to "Louise" in every possible way. :lol: 

 

FYI: She got over it. ;)

[Ann.without.an.e]

Wait, your MIL wouldn't name her and FIL's kid his name and now she expects you to do it? She's nuts. Tell them all to have their own babies to name and back off yours.

 

 

:iagree:

 

I had a post just like this written in my head. 

[Guest]

I haven't experienced this, but it did happen in my IL's family. FIL was "...., Junior" and his oldest was "...the Third." When their first baby was a boy, they were pressured to name the baby The Fourth. (I wasn't in the family yet, so I don't know how intense the pressure was." In a strange attempt at compromise, the ILs named the baby The IV, but called him by an unrelated different name always. So, just imagin if the name was "Gilbert Warren Smith, IV," but they called the boy "Walt." This was NOT a good idea, for many reasons, not the least of which SIL remains bitter about it still, three decades later, and nephew has gone through his life explaining how he is named one thing and called something unrelated.

 

All that to say, I would smile and nod when the subject arises (if), and when the baby is born, name him whatever the heck you want. If they go insane, just say, "I'm sorry. Your opportunities to name children is past. This is our child and we choose his name."

 

I think in general, naming trends are moving away from naming for (living) family members anyway.

[melmichigan]

Don't give in!  MIL pressured and pressured after DS1 was born, from the time he was delivered, and knowing full well we had his name picked out.  A combination of sleep deprivation and medications prevailed and I finally gave in knowing full well I'd hate what would end up being his nickname.  Yep, ten years later I still despise it.  It's also the reason she wasn't in the delivery room with DS2 and didn't see him until I had signed the birth certificate.  Yep still bitter.

[ErinE]

Don't announce the name until the baby is born. Whenever asked, mention you're considering a few possibilities. Don't pick a name unless you really like it.

 

We felt pressure to name our last baby one of two family names. One is a very old-fashioned name that DH said absolutely no. The other, though pretty, had similar blend sounds to our last name that was awkward to say quickly.

[AnnE-girl]

You and your husband should choose the baby's name.

 

What reasoning did you explain to your husband's family? I wonder if they felt you opened up the opportunity to put in their opinions about names when you did that?

 

Anyway, yeah, your kid, your name. But since it is your husband's family, he is the one who needs to tell them to back off.

It started as a question of whether we planned to find out the gender. I foolishly said that I wanted to know so we would only have to pick out one set of names since most of the boy names I like have been used. Yeah, I totally opened myself up to other's opinions on names (stupid pregnancy brain), but that doesn't mean the pressure is warranted.

[Ottakee]

Ugg.  If you were in dh's family the child would be named William or Louis.........seems like that is about the only 2 choices out there.  Dh's father was William, he is a junior, he has 4 more Uncle Bills and each of them have a Bill junior.  Then there is our Louis, Uncle Louis, Louis, Little Louie and his son Louis.  Our ds's bio father is named Louis AND ds has a brother named Louis and he is named Louis-----so dad named 2 of his boys Louis ????  

 

To add to the William thing, MIL's maiden name is Williams so almost everyone has the first or last name of William(s).

 

Good luck on making a choice.  Chose what YOU want.

[gardenmom5]

my boys have my father's and fil's first names as middle names.  it wasn't really a conscious decision - and both of our father's were deceased when we were teens.

 

mil did start spouting off about how dd has her name.  um, no, she doesn't.  she does have a name that in some universe *could* be considered a foreign language derivation of mil's middle name, but she was NOT named after her.

 

- and other people using a name has never stopped anyone from using a particular name . . . .I've never given it a thought, or considered it "stealing" a child's name, etc.

 

 

eta: oh, and mil really really really pushed sil to name her dd (who was born on 9/11 198?) Osanna. . . . .  after mil's Armenian grandmother.   sil is *really* glad she didn't.

[Catwoman]

It started as a question of whether we planned to find out the gender. I foolishly said that I wanted to know so we would only have to pick out one set of names since most of the boy names I like have been used. Yeah, I totally opened myself up to other's opinions on names (stupid pregnancy brain), but that doesn't mean the pressure is warranted.

Listening to others' ideas and suggestions is one thing. Being pressured to choose one specific name is something else altogether.

 

You did nothing wrong. You were making conversation. They turned it into an opportunity to try to bully you into obeying them.

 

Name the baby whatever you want, and let them deal with it. If you love your FIL and his name goes with the first name you choose, you could always use it as a middle name or something, but again, there is no obligation. The baby is already getting the same last name as your FIL! If anything, I would want to include your dad's name or your maiden name, just to be fair. ;)

[ashfern]

This is the reason I didn't find out the gender for our first child ahead of time! My MIL insisted that if baby was a boy that he had to be named after the paternal father for the first name and the maternal father for the middle name. Then she proceeded to tell me that she used her father's middle name instead of the first name for my DH because she couldn't imaging calling her son by her dad's name.  :smilielol5: Anyway, my dad and my DH's dad have the same first name and my dad has a really awful middle name. We named our son what we wanted and he has DH's first name for his middle name. Our 2nd son has DH's middle name for his middle name.

[marbel]

It started as a question of whether we planned to find out the gender. I foolishly said that I wanted to know so we would only have to pick out one set of names since most of the boy names I like have been used. Yeah, I totally opened myself up to other's opinions on names (stupid pregnancy brain), but that doesn't mean the pressure is warranted.

 

Oh definitely agree with you there.  I'm guessing overanxious people took advantage of that moment. 

[Mimm]

I find it incredibly tacky to suggest (not jokingly) that someone else name their child after you and I would never do it, even if I would have considered it before they brought it up.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Pick the name YOU want. 

 

My BIL was mad that we chose my husband's name as our son's middle name.  Seriously he was all bent out of shape.  Not his business!

 

 

[scholastica]

My dh's family had a tradition of naming the first boy after the two grandfathers. I didn't care for either of the names, so we thought about using their middle names. They happen to be William and Robert. I really liked William Robert as a name, until my sister said,"Great! We can call him Billy Bob!". My ds is not named William Robert.

 

Other than that, there's been no pressure.

 

Name your child what you like. They get no say.

[Junie]

We have never announced names before the child's birth.  After the baby is born and cleaned up a little, we invite whatever family is at the hospital to come into the room to meet the baby.  I announce the name with the video camera rolling so everyone has the choice to express that they like the name or look like a total jerk on camera.  Problem solved.  I *think* that everyone likes all of the names that we picked. :)

[Guest]

It started as a question of whether we planned to find out the gender. I foolishly said that I wanted to know so we would only have to pick out one set of names since most of the boy names I like have been used. Yeah, I totally opened myself up to other's opinions on names (stupid pregnancy brain), but that doesn't mean the pressure is warranted.

Emphasize the bold. Unless you said, "please name my baby for me," nothing you said or did gives anyone license to bug you about name choice.

[Renai]

Ugg. If you were in dh's family the child would be named William or Louis.........seems like that is about the only 2 choices out there. Dh's father was William, he is a junior, he has 4 more Uncle Bills and each of them have a Bill junior. Then there is our Louis, Uncle Louis, Louis, Little Louie and his son Louis. Our ds's bio father is named Louis AND ds has a brother named Louis and he is named Louis-----so dad named 2 of his boys Louis ????

 

To add to the William thing, MIL's maiden name is Williams so almost everyone has the first or last name of William(s).

 

Good luck on making a choice. Chose what YOU want.

Please tell me you're kidding.

[Seasider]

Wow. I would consider it a humbling honor to have a baby named after me. I can't imagine demanding that someone do so.

[Guest]

We have never announced names before the child's birth. After the baby is born and cleaned up a little, we invite whatever family is at the hospital to come into the room to meet the baby. I announce the name with the video camera rolling so everyone has the choice to express that they like the name or look like a total jerk on camera. Problem solved. I *think* that everyone likes all of the names that we picked. :)

That is one strategy.

 

I did always like to tell my names that were on the table in advance of the birth, because there can be valid points that others see that pregnant mom might not. Mentioning names ahead of time could help keep babies from bearing unfortunate names like KyAnne. Someone is bound to point out that that is a pepper. :) One could always decide to use KyAnne anyway, but at least it won't be out of ignorance.

 

When I was a baby, a lady my mother knew had a baby girl and had liked the way my name sounded. But she said nothing to my mom, fearing mom would think she was "stealing" my name. The woman did not know how to spell "Danielle," though, so in the hospital, she and the nurse arrive at, "Danyell." Not the very best possible spelling, IMO.

[kristi26]

Ugg.  If you were in dh's family the child would be named William or Louis.........seems like that is about the only 2 choices out there.  Dh's father was William, he is a junior, he has 4 more Uncle Bills and each of them have a Bill junior.  Then there is our Louis, Uncle Louis, Louis, Little Louie and his son Louis.  Our ds's bio father is named Louis AND ds has a brother named Louis and he is named Louis-----so dad named 2 of his boys Louis ????  

 

To add to the William thing, MIL's maiden name is Williams so almost everyone has the first or last name of William(s).

 

Good luck on making a choice.  Chose what YOU want.

 

This made me LOL. 

[Guest]

That sort of things gets an "mhmm, that's nice" comment from me, at most. Or politely insisting we will name our children how we want because it is our privilege as parents, just as they had the privilege to name their own children as they wished. I don't put up with that nonsense.

[AnnE-girl]

Any inclination I had to possibly use fil's name for a middle name is gone after the pressure. I can be contrary and immature like that.

 

I think we may just be disappointing in-laws all around this time. At DH's suggestion, we're considering asking my sibling's spouses (who happen to be brother and sister) to be godparents because they are much more active Catholics than DH's siblings who we might choose. We haven't decided for sure, but DH thinks it will probably make his mom mad. DS and DD have one godparent from each of our sides, so that should be enough, but mil will probably still be annoyed.

[BigMamaBird]

Wait, your MIL wouldn't name her and FIL's kid his name and now she expects you to do it? She's nuts. Tell them all to have their own babies to name and back off yours.

 

Exactly!  My Mom really disliked my newest Dd's name.  But I told her that she got her chance to name babies when she had my brother and I.  Now it's my turn and I can name the baby whatever Dh and I want.

 

Now that the baby is here, she has come around to the name.  Honestly, who can dislike anything about a sweet little baby!

[OneStepAtATime]

Good luck, OP.  

 

I am definitely keeping this thread in mind when (hopefully) I become a grandmother.  I absolutely don't want my future DIL or SIL posting about my crazy annoying pushiness on how they name their baby (not that I would, but maybe I will morph into somebody else by then).  Guess I need to keep an eye on DH, as well... :laugh:

[lllll]

nm

[Sneezyone]

My father is still bitter that I used his brother's middle name and not his own. My brother, myself and my niece have a variant. Enough already! It also gets annoying that he still substitutes the names when calling out to my son, too. You have my sympathies.

[MomatHWTK]

I never tell family any of the kids' names I'm thinking of using.  They find out the name when the baby arrives.  I used family related names as middles names but that was my choice.  Try to avoid MIL for the next few months. ;)

[Mrs. B]

Option 1: State to FIL that lil guy or gal will have his last name, if that is the case.

 

Option 2: (my rec) DO NOT discuss the name with ANYBODY. BtDT. We had family names picked out and relatives still said they didn't like the names long before the baby was due. Never mind the coworkers' criticisms. Our children have sensible names.

 

Option 3: get a male dog and name it after FIL.

[Ottakee]

Please tell me you're kidding.

NOPE.

 

At a family rebellion you say Bill or William and almost every male there looks...........as either their first or last name is William.  There is Bill and Sandy, Bill and Vonda, Bill and Susie, etc. and then Louis William, Louis Williams, Little Louis Williams, etc.

 

Then my son has his older bio brother and bio dad and himself with the same name.

 

CONFUSING>

[solascriptura]

We may be finding out tomorrow if we are having a boy or a girl. DH didnt really want to find out, but I think it's a girl, and am sort of in denial about having to come up with boys' names unless I really have to. Most of the boy names I like have already been taken by friends and family members who have had a lot of boys.

 

I explained my reasoning to DH's family when we were at a big family get-together this weekend, and fil immediately started pushing for us to name the baby after him if it's a boy. Mil has told me already that fil is disappointed that none of the five grandsons have been named for him, and he wanted DH to be a junior, but mil said no. I just don't like the name and I don't like the pressure. My dad would never complain that he doesn't have a grandson named for him, at least not to his children or our spouses. This is our child to name.

 

Anyway, this may all be moot if this is a girl, but this really annoyed me, along with just too much time with in-laws generally this weekend. Thanks for letting me vent, and if anyone has stories about relatives pressuring you to choose certain names, please share. :-)

My dh comes from a different culture and doesn't understand why a father would name a son after himself. In his culture, if a person is named after another it is because that person is to be highly respected or is highly regarded. Eg. Being named after Daniel in the Bible. So he is thinking, do you think that you are so great that you want your son to emulate you? Just a thought. Feel free to disregard.

[AnnE-girl]

My dh comes from a different culture and doesn't understand why a father would name a son after himself. In his culture, if a person is named after another it is because that person is to be highly respected or is highly regarded. Eg. Being named after Daniel in the Bible. So he is thinking, do you think that you are so great that you want your son to emulate you? Just a thought. Feel free to disregard.

DS is named after my deceased grandfathers, although both fil and mil happen to have brother's with the same first name. This was the name that I had always wanted for my eventual son, and DH liked it too. It's also the reverse first/middle name combination of my dad's ancestor who emigrated to the U.S. in the 18th century. There's a lot of history in the name that was important to me, but no one in my family pressured me to use it. I think that's what is bothering me the most about this. It's so presumptuous.

[LMD]

Dh is from a culture that is known for bluntness! They didn't like any of the boys' names and tried to talk us out of them. It didn't work ;) They weren't pressuring for a family name (dh is a Jr and said he'd never do it), they just made it plain that they thought the names were awful! everyone got over it. Stand firm and go with what you love.

[scoutingmom]

When expecting ds (although we didn't know the gender) we told everyone we were considering Qwiggly Wolfgang. (Now 12 years later... I actually kind if like Wolfgang....).

 

I admit to thinking of Michael - which I like... but realized I don't like Mikd or Mikey, so that was out.

 

We did eventually name him, and his guven initials are DJ.... we brought him home and his older suster, who liked both Full House and Rosanne, said Great! DJ! Ack! Nope! I stopped that one quick!

 

Sent from my SM-T530NU using Tapatalk

[abba12]

Yep. FIL named my husband as a Jr, and wants our first son to be a Third. I said no way in hell. I will compromise, our eldest son will have the name as a middle name at DHs request, not FILs.

 

FIL has also decided all our choices for boys names are dumb and will make our children gay because they sound too girly (no joke). I find this funny since the name he was primarily attacking was Gabriel, which is the name of an archangel for goodness sake! To me that's pretty masculine. Our next favourite boys names are Elijah and Noah, which he is also against (he's a very Matthew Mark Luke and John kind of person, his 5 sons all have equally common, boring, and short names) 

 

I don't hesitate to talk about baby names, because I'm quite certain I wont be bowing to their pressure, and my husband no longer feels the need to give in to them either. So I don't care about their opinion, and since MIL is a far nicer, kinder person than FIL, we like to discuss the names with her and he, unfortunately, is part of the package. 

[Cottonwood]

Ug, that's annoying.  If it were me, I after finding the out the gender, I'd just tell everyone, ""It's a boy/girl!  We will announce his/her name on her birthday".  Smile..say, "aww, cute" when people insists to still suggest.  Move along, name the baby.. done.  LOL

 

 

We didn't announce names or discuss possibilities w/ DD (our first) because I decided I wasn't going to receive any pressure from anyone. LOL  Plus we named her Charlie, short for nothing.  DH's parents are super traditional and I just wasn't going to listen to them drone on.  

 

By the time we had DS, I did announce the name fairly soon, but no one said much about it.

 

I don't mind people suggesting but giving pressure is wrong IMO and I'd just smile and nod and change the subject if possible.  If he asks point blank, tell him you'll announce when the baby is born.  How could he be sore on the day his grandchild is born??

[happypamama]

Ugh, that is so annoyingly! I'd just tell people that you're considering several names and will make a final decision once the baby arrives.

 

(That being said, I kinda hope one of my kids uses my middle name for a girl, since I didn't get to use it. Our only DD has my grandmother's middle name for her middle name. But I love my middle name, and I'd have insisted upon it for a second daughter. My father chose it for me, so I would dearly love for a granddaughter to continue it. But I'd never push for it.)

[dirty ethel rackham]

I am so sorry your in-laws are such buttinskys.  Well, I learned not to discuss names with family.  Dh wanted to use his deceased mother's name, Ruth, for any daughters we would have.  I floated that idea to my family and all I heard was "Baby Ruth?  Bwaa Haa Haa!"  Then they would start singing the theme song from Caddyshack. (Yeah, my family is immature.) So that is why we chose that for Dd's middle name instead of a first name.  

[kroe1]

In my little culture if one wanted to choose a family name for his first born, he either chose his own name or his grandfather's name. No one would choose his father's name unless it was the same as his own.

 

Case in point, DH insisted our DD have his mother's name. Since DD was getting my grandmother's first name and my last name, I begrudgingly agreed. My MIL has many times driven me completely bonkers. To think my child is named after such a woman is disgusting to me.

 

I think the moral of the story is choose your own name or someone dead or almost dead who will not drive you nuts.

[LifeLovePassion]

That is why we told everyone dd1 was going to be named Shaniqua. We said we hadn't decided on spelling yet, so don't get anything embroidered yet.

 

They got no input. I made that decision after mentioning our top 5 to co-workers and hearing feedback. I just didn't want it.

 

They never even asked with dd2.

 

I would not choose their name for sure if I didn't love it. And even if I did, I might not after being asked.

[Jenrae]

Choosing to use a family name should be done willingly, not coerced. I can't even imagine pressuring my children to name a child after me, in any way!

 

Have fun choosing the name and if there is someone special that you wish to honor in such a way, it should be by choice.

 

Best wishes in the name choosing!

[Starr]

I would try to forget about it. She gave it her best shot. The other kids named their children what they wanted, you can too!  :grouphug:

[MyThreeSons]

My Dad's mother really pressured my folks to name a baby after her great-great-or-something Uncle Asa. They refused. As my Mom said, she had two sons of her own she could have stuck with that name if she liked it so much.

 

No pressure on me, but in my Mom's mother's family, all of the men for several generations have had the middle name Allen. I didn't use it with my first two sons, but when son number three was born, we went with it. I think it pleased my Mom, although she is still miffed that I kicked her out of the delivery room when it was time to push. (She was annoying me, so I sent her to go wait with my Dad. I hadn't planned on her being there anyway.)

 

We did name middle ds after dh's Dad -- both first and middle names. When we visited when he was about six months old, I placed him in my m-i-l's arms and said, "Here is John Thomas E_____". She took him, rocked him, and repeated, "John Thomas, John Thomas" and then said, "I never could stand that name!" LOL -- she had been married to the original John Thomas E_______ for over 50 years, and loved him dearly. No one knew she didn't like his name. 

[ThisIsTheDay]

We may be finding out tomorrow if we are having a boy or a girl. DH didnt really want to find out, but I think it's a girl, and am sort of in denial about having to come up with boys' names unless I really have to. Most of the boy names I like have already been taken by friends and family members who have had a lot of boys.

 

I explained my reasoning to DH's family when we were at a big family get-together this weekend, and fil immediately started pushing for us to name the baby after him if it's a boy. Mil has told me already that fil is disappointed that none of the five grandsons have been named for him, and he wanted DH to be a junior, but mil said no. I just don't like the name and I don't like the pressure. My dad would never complain that he doesn't have a grandson named for him, at least not to his children or our spouses. This is our child to name.

 

Anyway, this may all be moot if this is a girl, but this really annoyed me, along with just too much time with in-laws generally this weekend. Thanks for letting me vent, and if anyone has stories about relatives pressuring you to choose certain names, please share. :-)

 

This may be part of how differently you and your husband's family see boundaries.  Based only on what you've posted here, it seems like you are or want to be close to your husband's family, so you are sharing personal reasons for your personal decision with them. You opened up the door to boy names, particularly when you said that most of the boy names you like have been taken. 

 

You are explaining something.

 

They are seeing it as a conversation, to be discussed.

 

You feel pressure.

 

They feel that they are offering you good advice.

 

Neither one of you is wrong, you just have different expectations from the conversation.

 

Is this how they handle most conversations, that everyone's lives are up for discussion?  You may either be more private, or don't notice unless you become that topic of conversation. 

 

 

 

[bettyandbob]

I started to read the thread, but I'm still back at the OP.

 

There are people who say a baby should be named after them. I'm trying to imagine the personality of such an individual. "If it's a boy you are to name him "myname".

 

People do this? Really? If this happened to me, I wouldn't be able to respond because I would be appalled that anyone had the gall to make such a demand.

 

Or even not demanding, but trying the guilt approach. What the heck?

[MyThreeSons]

I knew a guy in college who was a Robert Something Something V. They had used all of the typical nicknames for Robert, so he went by "Bucko". 

 

I just looked him up online. The first Google hit was an obituary, but it turns out that was for his father.