Do you let your children blame you if they don't want to do something?

[Elisabet1]

I feel like I made a big mistake and will not do it again. I told my children years ago, if someone wants them to do something and they don't want to do it and they do not feel like they can just say no, they can say we, the parents, said no. What I meant was stuff like kids invite daughter to a scary movie and she does not like scary movies but does't want to admit they scare her too much so she can say it is just us that do not want her to go. 

 

Instead, they took it too far. I had reports of things like they skipped doing a home work assignment at school, so they claimed I did not let them. I do not even know how far this went. But it clearly went way further with daughter. For example, she did not feel like practicing her musical instrument. At some point, I was told by her teacher that my daughter told her I forbade her from practicing and gave her so many chores she could not practice. In reality, I never forbade her and our daughter has struggled with mental health for a long time, so we have not been able to get her to do chores in a long time. And we did not have her babysit ever. Her theater teacher required everyone to see one play, any play, during the semester, and write a little report on it. She told him she was forbidden to see plays. In reality, I LOVE plays! Especially musicals. I would have loved to have gone. And of course, she could have gone to anything without me. And I take the other kids, but she has never wanted to go. Her stories and lies are so extensive, I could spend days posting about them. I figured this was all apart of her mental health issues, which is not new, she has had for years. 

 

But, I caught my son in a lie recently. He was supposed to explain to the scholarship person for that one scholarship his grades basically. He went in there with the idea he would change majors. But he really wants to stay a computer science major, despite his problems he has had. So he decided mid meeting to put in a plea that it has nothing to do with his abilities that he is getting so low grades. He decided to tell the scholarship person that he only got low grades on the finals, which crashed his grades, because when his sister did what she did this Christmas, I was calling him and texting him constantly and "sounded suicidal" and it upset him so much that he could not focus and ended up tanking the finals. And he just knows if he were given a second chance, he could do better. Right away I said, ummm...your sister had her meltdown a week after your last final. And, no, I never said anything indicating I was suicidal. Fortunately, the worker saw that as an excuse and pointed out that he had already flunked the class the term before and that finals are generally not worth such a large part of the grade that something like that would cause his grade to plummet that far. But I was still humiliated over it!

 

My son is actually a nice person. But he does not think some things through. We got in the car and I told him he really embarrassed me and unless he owns up to why his grades were so low, he will not be able to improve them. He apologized. His processing and such are quite low on his testing, so it is understandable that this lapse in judgement happened.  

 

But now, in hindsight, I think I will not allow kids to blame us for stuff. Clearly, it ended up out of hand and them not being able to understand when blaming us is ok and when not. And also, I do have some children with special needs, so maybe their thinking is not abstract enough to get when it is ok and when not? I am not sure. But for us, we are just going to teach our children to own up and admit when they don't want to do something, or can't do something, and so on.

 

Any insight on this? Is this just my children? Did I make a big mistake letting them blame us and it is understandable that they did not get when it is ok? I think it is a big mistake to let them blame us for stuff. 

[Ellie]

I feel like I made a big mistake and will not do it again. I told my children years ago, if someone wants them to do something and they don't want to do it and they do not feel like they can just say no, they can say we, the parents, said no. What I meant was stuff like kids invite daughter to a scary movie and she does not like scary movies but does't want to admit they scare her too much so she can say it is just us that do not want her to go. 

 

Instead, they took it too far. I had reports of things like they skipped doing a home work assignment at school, so they claimed I did not let them. I do not even know how far this went. But it clearly went way further with daughter. For example, she did not feel like practicing her musical instrument. At some point, I was told by her teacher that my daughter told her I forbade her from practicing and gave her so many chores she could not practice. In reality, I never forbade her and our daughter has struggled with mental health for a long time, so we have not been able to get her to do chores in a long time. And we did not have her babysit ever. Her theater teacher required everyone to see one play, any play, during the semester, and write a little report on it. She told him she was forbidden to see plays. In reality, I LOVE plays! Especially musicals. I would have loved to have gone. And of course, she could have gone to anything without me. And I take the other kids, but she has never wanted to go. Her stories and lies are so extensive, I could spend days posting about them. I figured this was all apart of her mental health issues, which is not new, she has had for years. 

 

But, I caught my son in a lie recently. He was supposed to explain to the scholarship person for that one scholarship his grades basically. He went in there with the idea he would change majors. But he really wants to stay a computer science major, despite his problems he has had. So he decided mid meeting to put in a plea that it has nothing to do with his abilities that he is getting so low grades. He decided to tell the scholarship person that he only got low grades on the finals, which crashed his grades, because when his sister did what she did this Christmas, I was calling him and texting him constantly and "sounded suicidal" and it upset him so much that he could not focus and ended up tanking the finals. And he just knows if he were given a second chance, he could do better. Right away I said, ummm...your sister had her meltdown a week after your last final. And, no, I never said anything indicating I was suicidal. Fortunately, the worker saw that as an excuse and pointed out that he had already flunked the class the term before and that finals are generally not worth such a large part of the grade that something like that would cause his grade to plummet that far. But I was still humiliated over it!

 

My son is actually a nice person. But he does not think some things through. We got in the car and I told him he really embarrassed me and unless he owns up to why his grades were so low, he will not be able to improve them. He apologized. His processing and such are quite low on his testing, so it is understandable that this lapse in judgement happened.  

 

But now, in hindsight, I think I will not allow kids to blame us for stuff. Clearly, it ended up out of hand and them not being able to understand when blaming us is ok and when not. And also, I do have some children with special needs, so maybe their thinking is not abstract enough to get when it is ok and when not? I am not sure. But for us, we are just going to teach our children to own up and admit when they don't want to do something, or can't do something, and so on.

 

Any insight on this? Is this just my children? Did I make a big mistake letting them blame us and it is understandable that they did not get when it is ok? I think it is a big mistake to let them blame us for stuff. 

 

I understand why you said what you said in the first place, but no, I never felt the need to do that. I'm thinking you and Mr. Elisbet1 need to get on this; in fact, I'm thinking you might have let it go on for too long and now it will be hairy getting control of it.

 

[PinkInTheBlue]

My mother gave me the same opportunity. If I was in an uncomfortable position and needed out, I could say she wouldn't let me. I never, ever considered that an option for things like you are describing though. They aren't remotely the same thing.

[SKL]

I told my kids they are not allowed to do anything that makes them feel unsafe, and they can blame me for that.

 

I hope they would not interpret that to mean they could lie about me to their teachers.  I'm pretty sure they can tell the difference.

[SparklyUnicorn]

My mother gave me the same opportunity. If I was in an uncomfortable position and needed out, I could say she wouldn't let me. I never, ever considered that an option for things like you are describing though. They aren't remotely the same thing.

 

Same here.  For some reason I never assumed she meant I could use it to get out of anything under any circumstance.

[SKL]

There were times when I really wanted my parents to tell me I "couldn't" do something I didn't want to do (but that was a part of life we all must face), when I was nearing adulthood.  They wouldn't play.  :P

[marbel]

My mother gave me the same opportunity. If I was in an uncomfortable position and needed out, I could say she wouldn't let me. I never, ever considered that an option for things like you are describing though. They aren't remotely the same thing.

 

Yes, same here.  And I do the same with my kids.   They know when it is OK to lean on me that way, and when it is not.

 

ETA: As they are teens now, this is changing. They are taking responsibility for that sort of thing more and more.  Though, I did recently let my daughter use me as an excuse not to go to a party she was uncomfortable about.  However, I was uncomfortable about the party too and if she had wanted to go, I would have said no anyway.  But I wanted her to make the decision first, if that makes any sense. 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

My mother always had a hard time saying no.  So she would often say yes just to realize she really cannot do something or really dreaded doing something.  She didn't have the nerve to tell the truth about that so she'd come up with some elaborate lie.  It was pretty comical sometimes. 

 

 

[MFG]

Using " My parents won't let me" is for children. It doesn't fly for adults.

[violamama]

I agree with the above. It sounds like you all have had a rough time. I don't know all the details, but could you now talk to them? Would it be worth it to clarify why what they did was wrong? 

 

My mom always told me something similar, but it was clear it was things like not going to a party or movie as others have said. If I pushed the boundaries into disobeying authority (like teachers or administrators) then she would have absolutely made me make that right immediately. I can't specifically remember if she ever had to do that. I do remember lying as a kid, multiple times. It mortifies me to this day. I think I turned out pretty all right and don't do that anymore.

 

Try not to worry. Perhaps the use of you as an excuse as part of their lies would have happened whether you had given them the idea or not. It was certainly not what you meant, and they probably did know it. (I haven't followed your situation, though, so mostly just mean it sounds like standard parenting to me...)

[catz]

I told my kids they are not allowed to do anything that makes them feel unsafe, and they can blame me for that.

 

I hope they would not interpret that to mean they could lie about me to their teachers.  I'm pretty sure they can tell the difference.

 

I would certainly hope most kids could tell the difference.  I've never really had to tell my kids I'm their backup really.  I think kids that go to school might need this more than homeschool kids.  And even with that stipulation, by about the teen years I would hope most kids would be on their way to standing up for themselves or having pat excuses for things they don't want to do ("Oh sorry - I have to babysit my little sister tonight.  That's not really my kind of thing anyway.").  I really don't consider a shortened version of the truth a lie in those cases ("I'm busy tonight" vs. "I'm busy tonight reading books at home and watching Netflix because I do not want to do something with you").  My son in particular has no problem declining anything and if anything I have to encourage him to reign in his opinions.  :glare:   He is 14/8th grade.

 

Your son from the sounds of it seems too immature to be successful at a full on live away college experience.  I cannot imagine a college student seriously concocting a story like that for a professor?

[LucyStoner]

I don't think that that degree of excuse making and blame shifting has anything whatsoever to do with you telling the kids they can use you as an out in a peer pressure situation.

 

I also think that this has very little to do with any recent or sudden crisis. Your family seems to have been in a constantly shifting crisis mode for a long time. That instability may need to resolve for your any of your children's biggest concern to music lessons or homework.

[Elisabet1]

He has traumatic brain injury and autism spectrum disorder. We realized in hindsight that he did not have the maturity for live away college. It wasn't a prof he was lying to. He has a scholarship that is disability related and he was trying to save it by making up an excuse for his bad grades. He got in to a serious bicycle accident last year that really came down to immaturity. He also got in other accidents. But he has never been malicious, as far as I know. Everyone says he is so nice.

[catz]

He has traumatic brain injury and autism spectrum disorder. We realized in hindsight that he did not have the maturity for live away college. It wasn't a prof he was lying to. He has a scholarship that is disability related and he was trying to save it by making up an excuse for his bad grades. He got in to a serious bicycle accident last year that really came down to immaturity. He also got in other accidents. But he has never been malicious, as far as I know. Everyone says he is so nice.

 

I have followed all your posts about him.  I don't doubt his intentions are not malicious.  But he doesn't sound like someone ready to jump through the kind of hoops required and be responsible for his own actions.   I definitely think a school would have looked upon it more favorably had he said "You know what - I did not use my time well.  I am going to employ strategies A, B, and C in the future which I hope will allow me to be successful".  

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  :grouphug:

 

[Elisabet1]

I have followed all your posts about him.  I don't doubt his intentions are not malicious.  But he doesn't sound like someone ready to jump through the kind of hoops required and be responsible for his own actions.   I definitely think a school would have looked upon it more favorably had he said "You know what - I did not use my time well.  I am going to employ strategies A, B, and C in the future which I hope will allow me to be successful".  

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time.  :grouphug:

 

We tried to pin him down to identify what he did wrong that led to those grades. We did not get far. He is likely going to move back home at the end of the semester and then start community college after that. 

 

We had a lot of talks with him. We had him watch Superstar Student. I tried to make a list of good study strategies. He is supposed to go to this study skills center and has tutors. There are study groups too. But the calls I have gotten so far have not been encouraging. He seems more focused on re-arranging his new dorm room than on his studies.

[lllll]

..

[Tsuga]

No.

 

If the child in question had multiple disabilities, I would have to make it even more clear that they don't blame others for their own actions. I guess I'd have to spell it out. Here is what you do if you are failing. Here is how you apologize. Here is how you deal with not meeting expectations. Here is how and when to ask for accommodation.

 

Sorry your family is facing this.

 

[Desert Strawberry]

 I have told Sagg that if he is asked to do something that he feels is wrong he can use me as an excuse. Because it is true. I would not want him to do something he feels is wrong, no matter what it is. I will back him up. 

It hasn't happened yet. 

[Night Elf]

I don't mind being the bad guy when my kids use me as an excuse to not do something. As far as I know, they have never abused that privilege. I've used my DH for an excuse or two.

[Mom22ns]

Yes, I gave my children that privilege and they never abused it. My dd used it a couple of times when she was at a friends house and was invited to spend the night but wasn't comfortable there. She would tell them she wasn't allowed to do overnights. I was perfectly ok with her not having to explain that your dad makes me feel creepy, or your brother... or whatever. 

 

Sometimes a simple no thank you just garners too much badgering and a parental no is so much easier.

 

Your kids are creative, I'll give them that. You've got some work ahead.

[MedicMom]

I don't think it's even remotely the same thing or even connected.

 

There is a huge difference between a child in an awkward situation using a parent as an excuse and an adult telling an outright lie. I do understand autism and TBIs, but those don't excuse this sort of lying.

[gardenmom5]

i have no problem with my kids blaming me to not allow them to do something they know is wrong or would make them very uncomfortable and I wouldn't require them to do.

 

 

using me as an excuse to get out of something they know I would require them to do - would have firm consequences.  they older they are when pulling a stunt like that, the harsher the consequences would be.

[regentrude]

The two things have nothing to do with one another.

 

I tell my  kids that they can use us parents as an excuse not to get into unsafe situations and to help against peer pressure (as in "my parents would KILL me if I did this!" or "my parents won't allow me to go to...").

 

That is absolutely not the same as blaming us parents for their own mistakes or using us as an excuse to get out of their work. I do not see how allowing the former can reasonably give a kid the impression the latter is OK.

[imagine.more]

My mother gave me the same opportunity. If I was in an uncomfortable position and needed out, I could say she wouldn't let me. I never, ever considered that an option for things like you are describing though. They aren't remotely the same thing.

 

Yes, this is what my husbands' parents told he and his sister. It was for things like if a friend invited them to a party they felt would be too wild or for if someone offered them a drink or pot or something. They knew they could freely use the "ah, no, my mom would kill me" excuse. Or the "no, sorry, my mom says I can't come to the party". They never even thought to use it for other things! 

 

I think you should simply sit the kids down and tell them what they've been doing is wrong and dishonest and that in the future they will never use you as an 'excuse' to get out of stuff that is simply hard or not fun. Explain that this is for when they need an easy and safe way to say "no" to a situation they think is going to make them uncomfortable (in the, I-might-be-asked-to-play-spin-the-bottle way) or would be unsafe or illegal. As a way to stand more strongly against peer pressure at a time when they might not have the confidence or authority to say no effectively. I would also tell them point blank if they ever misuse this rule to get out of perfectly safe and expected activities they will be punished twice - once for not doing the work and again for lying. 

 

Personally I kind of think kids should stand up for themselves and not lie to their friends to get out of bad stuff but just say "no, I don't want to do that, see you later" but my in-laws used it and it worked quite well for them. DH and his sister knew their parents had their back and that they had an easy 'out' should they find themselves in a bad situation. 

[KrissiK]

I told my kids they could blame me, too, but they understand that it is for things they know to be wrong, or they feel uncomfortable about, but the peer pressure is a little strong for them. I think this is an acceptable thing for parents to do to help their kids deal with peer pressure and still do the right thing. I think your kids took the idea a bit too far.

But, I caught my son in a lie recently. He was supposed to explain to the scholarship person for that one scholarship his grades basically. He went in there with the idea he would change majors. But he really wants to stay a computer science major, despite his problems he has had. So he decided mid meeting to put in a plea that it has nothing to do with his abilities that he is getting so low grades. He decided to tell the scholarship person that he only got low grades on the finals, which crashed his grades, because when his sister did what she did this Christmas, I was calling him and texting him constantly and "sounded suicidal" and it upset him so much that he could not focus and ended up tanking the finals. And he just knows if he were given a second chance, he could do better. Right away I said, ummm...your sister had her meltdown a week after your last final. And, no, I never said anything indicating I was suicidal. Fortunately, the worker saw that as an excuse and pointed out that he had already flunked the class the term before and that finals are generally not worth such a large part of the grade that something like that would cause his grade to plummet that far. But I was still humiliated over it!

 

How do you know he really said all these things -- were you there in the meeting with him?

[Elisabet1]

How do you know he really said all these things -- were you there in the meeting with him?

Yes, but it was just a one time thing. This is not the usual for him. I was shocked to hear it. We had been talking about what can be done to save the funding. The person tells him he needs to change his major as he clearly cannot handle computer science. He wants to save doing computer science. It is not like this is an every day thing for him. But I was shocked to hear it. I decided not to tell the younger children they can blame us. They might as well learn to just admit they don't want to go someplace or otherwise. I have 3 children with high functioning autism. So fact is, if this is a glitch in his thought process, it may be doomed to repeat. Really, it has never been an issue with the younger children. It was a huge issue with my daughter, but she has diagnosed mental health issues and has had it for years, so her issues might be more related to the mental health.  My middle school aged children have never done this. But my olders went to public school for later years so there were social pressures I wanted to give them an out from. The youngers are not in those situations.

[Ravin]

An out for a kid to save face in peer pressure situations is not reasonably construed as an opening to use you in lies to people in authority. Not even remotely.

 

You didn't make a wrong decision. Your kids did, though. 

[Joker]

My dds can and have used us as a way out. I feel it's important and there is nothing wrong with it. My parents also told us we could do the same and I'm grateful. My dds have never abused it, though.

[swellmomma]

My kids get to blame me as a way to save face when it comes to situations they need to get out of  like if they were at a party that people started drinking at they get to pull the my mom just texted and said I have to be home now or I am grounded for a week etc.  They do not get to use me as a scapegoat for their own screw up and doing so would seriously harm our relationship due to broken trust.

[vonfirmath]

My mother gave me the same opportunity. If I was in an uncomfortable position and needed out, I could say she wouldn't let me. I never, ever considered that an option for things like you are describing though. They aren't remotely the same thing.

 

Agreed. My parents told me the same thing. And I never understood it to mean to get out of work I had to do at school, etc. 

 

[Halftime Hope]

Elisabet, maybe some of the autistic or aspies boardies can chime in here, but since you know your kids, do they struggle with knowing boundaries and with having normal finesse in social situations? 

 

It seems to us that there is a big difference between "you can tell a lie about me to keep yourself out of a potentially harmful or embarrassing or ______ situation" and "you can tell a lie about me to excuse your poor behavior."  However, your son not surprisingly missed the distinction--perhaps from hearing sister do something similar--and it needs to be clearly spelled out for him.

 

Just a thought.  :grouphug:

 

[Susan in TN]

My parents didn't tell me I could, but I did anyway. When I was in high school, the older brother of a friend asked me if I would go out with him. I wasn't interested at all, and so told him my dad wouldn't let me date anyone yet (I might have been 15 or 16yo). I was able to "let him down easy" and avoid awkwardness with my friend.

 

Elisabet, I think many here are trying to tell you that you haven't done anything unusual or wrong. Your kids have just taken it to an unexpected level for whatever reasons. (((Elisabet))) I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

[momto10blessings]

Yes, but not for school work or other things like that. More for things like drinking, drugs, smoking. I guess mostly peer pressure. Not for getting out of their responsibilities.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

My mother gave me the same opportunity. If I was in an uncomfortable position and needed out, I could say she wouldn't let me. I never, ever considered that an option for things like you are describing though. They aren't remotely the same thing.

 

Same here.  My parents gave us this option to be used in situations of peer pressure when we felt we needed the support of the Authority Figure behind our decision.  It worked fine as such.  Never in a million years would I think of telling a teacher I couldn't do my homework because my mom wouldn't let me! 

 

It sounds like your kids are either purposefully manipulating people around them, including you, or they are so literal that they somehow believed their lies fell legitimately within "the rules" you made for them. 

[DawnM]

No.  I actually haven't ever told my kids they could use me as an excuse.  I want them to be able to stand up for themselves.  They CAN say, "I need to ask my mom first" if they are concerned it isn't something appropriate.  For example, my oldest was invited to a movie yesterday that he really didn't want to see, but after talking to me, I said I wouldn't want him seeing that movie anyway, so he was able to say, "My mom said no" and he met them for dinner after the movie.

 

But I would never allow them to use me as an excuse.  In fact, lately, my kids have said directly to HOMESCHOOL kids, "That is inappropriate." It is true and direct, and didn't come from mommy.  It had to do one time with foul language, and another time with sexual talk.

 

I also never use my husband as an excuse.  I married at 29 and stand on my own, thank you very much.  My husband doesn't tell me what i can and can't do.  He might suggest or he might even give his opinion, but with my friends I am very direct......"No, I am not interested" and never, "My husband won't LET me."  In fact, I can't stand that saying.  I am fine with, "My husband would prefer I don't, so I have decided not to."  A discussion rather than a direct order.

 

My husband shows me the same respect.  If someone invites him golfing, etc.....he always says, "Let me check with my wife first."  Most of that is because I keep better tabs on our calendar and he rarely looks at it.  But it isn't for permission.

 

Ok, whew.....sorry, I guess I feel pretty strongly about this.  

 

I want my kids to be able to stand on their own and say NO when necessary.  

[lmrich]

I do this for my kids; let them use me as an excuse. I did this as a child as well. I knew it was only for social situations, and my kids know that too. Sorry your kids have tried to use outside the parameters. 

 

 

[unsinkable]

I feel like I made a big mistake and will not do it again. I told my children years ago, if someone wants them to do something and they don't want to do it and they do not feel like they can just say no, they can say we, the parents, said no. What I meant was stuff like kids invite daughter to a scary movie and she does not like scary movies but does't want to admit they scare her too much so she can say it is just us that do not want her to go.

 

Instead, they took it too far. I had reports of things like they skipped doing a home work assignment at school, so they claimed I did not let them. I do not even know how far this went. But it clearly went way further with daughter. For example, she did not feel like practicing her musical instrument. At some point, I was told by her teacher that my daughter told her I forbade her from practicing and gave her so many chores she could not practice. In reality, I never forbade her and our daughter has struggled with mental health for a long time, so we have not been able to get her to do chores in a long time. And we did not have her babysit ever. Her theater teacher required everyone to see one play, any play, during the semester, and write a little report on it. She told him she was forbidden to see plays. In reality, I LOVE plays! Especially musicals. I would have loved to have gone. And of course, she could have gone to anything without me. And I take the other kids, but she has never wanted to go. Her stories and lies are so extensive, I could spend days posting about them. I figured this was all apart of her mental health issues, which is not new, she has had for years.

 

But, I caught my son in a lie recently. He was supposed to explain to the scholarship person for that one scholarship his grades basically. He went in there with the idea he would change majors. But he really wants to stay a computer science major, despite his problems he has had. So he decided mid meeting to put in a plea that it has nothing to do with his abilities that he is getting so low grades. He decided to tell the scholarship person that he only got low grades on the finals, which crashed his grades, because when his sister did what she did this Christmas, I was calling him and texting him constantly and "sounded suicidal" and it upset him so much that he could not focus and ended up tanking the finals. And he just knows if he were given a second chance, he could do better. Right away I said, ummm...your sister had her meltdown a week after your last final. And, no, I never said anything indicating I was suicidal. Fortunately, the worker saw that as an excuse and pointed out that he had already flunked the class the term before and that finals are generally not worth such a large part of the grade that something like that would cause his grade to plummet that far. But I was still humiliated over it!

 

My son is actually a nice person. But he does not think some things through. We got in the car and I told him he really embarrassed me and unless he owns up to why his grades were so low, he will not be able to improve them. He apologized. His processing and such are quite low on his testing, so it is understandable that this lapse in judgement happened.

 

But now, in hindsight, I think I will not allow kids to blame us for stuff. Clearly, it ended up out of hand and them not being able to understand when blaming us is ok and when not. And also, I do have some children with special needs, so maybe their thinking is not abstract enough to get when it is ok and when not? I am not sure. But for us, we are just going to teach our children to own up and admit when they don't want to do something, or can't do something, and so on.

 

Any insight on this? Is this just my children? Did I make a big mistake letting them blame us and it is understandable that they did not get when it is ok? I think it is a big mistake to let them blame us for stuff.

I know this isn't the question you asked and I mean this in a helpful way:

 

It sounds to me like your son found a safe place to say what is on his mind about his family life and what has been happening. You've shared a lot on the boards about how depressed you are. Your son has to know that you are depressed. The chaos from his sister isn't new, either. Maybe, on some level, he wanted help from outside sources and saw this as an opportunity.

 

Can your DH get involved with getting help for your son to process what the family is going through?

[Elisabet1]

I know this isn't the question you asked and I mean this in a helpful way:

 

It sounds to me like your son found a safe place to say what is on his mind about his family life and what has been happening. You've shared a lot on the boards about how depressed you are. Your son has to know that you are depressed. The chaos from his sister isn't new, either. Maybe, on some level, he wanted help from outside sources and saw this as an opportunity.

 

Can your DH get involved with getting help for your son to process what the family is going through?

I was talking about something he said 2 months ago when he was trying to save his butt for a scholarship he needed to continue for school. It was not about being at a safe place. I do not share the stuff with him that I have shared on the board. He did not want to lose the money for school. He likes being off at college, even if that is not the best place for him. He likes his own dorm room and he can get out there and ride his bike and he likes his job and so on. It had nothing to do with concerns about depression and he went back to school a couple weeks later. This is not a repeat problem with him. It was cut and dry, he wanted to save his financing and it was what he thought of to do it. Rather than admit he did something wrong for his grades, he blamed others. And really, it didn't get him anywhere. The stuff with my daughter is not an ongoing issue. She is 18 yrs old now. She is gone. She no longer lives with us. Everyone is very happy. I worry about her, sure. But our life is way better now. Before 18, we had to put up with her abuse and fits of rage. Over 18, we do not. So there is no "what the family is going through" stuff here. My son has actually been talking about wanting to move back home because he says, he enjoys being here now. There is no ongoing "stress" or "situation." The "situation" left the building and cannot come back.

[almondbutterandjelly]

I agree with you that it is a glitch in his thought processes.  He seems to have taken that very literally, and you will have to qualify your statement to him now that you know he does that.  And yes, don't tell your other kids.  Good plan.  Literal thinkers are so very literal.  ((hugs))

[LucyStoner]

I was talking about something he said 2 months ago when he was trying to save his butt for a scholarship he needed to continue for school. It was not about being at a safe place. I do not share the stuff with him that I have shared on the board. He did not want to lose the money for school. He likes being off at college, even if that is not the best place for him. He likes his own dorm room and he can get out there and ride his bike and he likes his job and so on. It had nothing to do with concerns about depression and he went back to school a couple weeks later. This is not a repeat problem with him. It was cut and dry, he wanted to save his financing and it was what he thought of to do it. Rather than admit he did something wrong for his grades, he blamed others. And really, it didn't get him anywhere. The stuff with my daughter is not an ongoing issue. She is 18 yrs old now. She is gone. She no longer lives with us. Everyone is very happy. I worry about her, sure. But our life is way better now. Before 18, we had to put up with her abuse and fits of rage. Over 18, we do not. So there is no "what the family is going through" stuff here. My son has actually been talking about wanting to move back home because he says, he enjoys being here now. There is no ongoing "stress" or "situation." The "situation" left the building and cannot come back.

You don't need to tell your son about stuff for him to know what is going on in his own family.

 

You have been posting about your family's myriad of problems for a long time now. He is living it and knows. He probably knows a lot more than you think.

 

Your daughter leaving doesn't resolve the stress 100% either. It just doesn't work that way.

 

You need to get real about the stress in your home and start taking it seriously enough to get help for everyone. Is it easy to find help? No. But you owe it to yourself and your kids.

 

Perhaps your children have seen you blame people (like daughter's boyfriend, then your daughter) and learned some of this off shifting of responsibility at home.

[unsinkable]

I was talking about something he said 2 months ago when he was trying to save his butt for a scholarship he needed to continue for school. It was not about being at a safe place. I do not share the stuff with him that I have shared on the board. He did not want to lose the money for school. He likes being off at college, even if that is not the best place for him. He likes his own dorm room and he can get out there and ride his bike and he likes his job and so on. It had nothing to do with concerns about depression and he went back to school a couple weeks later. This is not a repeat problem with him. It was cut and dry, he wanted to save his financing and it was what he thought of to do it. Rather than admit he did something wrong for his grades, he blamed others. And really, it didn't get him anywhere. The stuff with my daughter is not an ongoing issue. She is 18 yrs old now. She is gone. She no longer lives with us. Everyone is very happy. I worry about her, sure. But our life is way better now. Before 18, we had to put up with her abuse and fits of rage. Over 18, we do not. So there is no "what the family is going through" stuff here. My son has actually been talking about wanting to move back home because he says, he enjoys being here now. There is no ongoing "stress" or "situation." The "situation" left the building and cannot come back.

One reason doesn't eliminate the other. He could want his money back and he could also really feel that way.

 

IMO, and you don't have to agree, our kids know us as well as we know them. Kids can read a vibe from parents, between parents, etc.

 

Also IMO, years of stress don't disappear because the stressor leaves. Stress causes damage and changes people, be it stress from events or situations or other people.

[Catwoman]

I feel like I made a big mistake and will not do it again. I told my children years ago, if someone wants them to do something and they don't want to do it and they do not feel like they can just say no, they can say we, the parents, said no. What I meant was stuff like kids invite daughter to a scary movie and she does not like scary movies but does't want to admit they scare her too much so she can say it is just us that do not want her to go.

 

Instead, they took it too far. I had reports of things like they skipped doing a home work assignment at school, so they claimed I did not let them. I do not even know how far this went. But it clearly went way further with daughter. For example, she did not feel like practicing her musical instrument. At some point, I was told by her teacher that my daughter told her I forbade her from practicing and gave her so many chores she could not practice. In reality, I never forbade her and our daughter has struggled with mental health for a long time, so we have not been able to get her to do chores in a long time. And we did not have her babysit ever. Her theater teacher required everyone to see one play, any play, during the semester, and write a little report on it. She told him she was forbidden to see plays. In reality, I LOVE plays! Especially musicals. I would have loved to have gone. And of course, she could have gone to anything without me. And I take the other kids, but she has never wanted to go. Her stories and lies are so extensive, I could spend days posting about them. I figured this was all apart of her mental health issues, which is not new, she has had for years.

 

But, I caught my son in a lie recently. He was supposed to explain to the scholarship person for that one scholarship his grades basically. He went in there with the idea he would change majors. But he really wants to stay a computer science major, despite his problems he has had. So he decided mid meeting to put in a plea that it has nothing to do with his abilities that he is getting so low grades. He decided to tell the scholarship person that he only got low grades on the finals, which crashed his grades, because when his sister did what she did this Christmas, I was calling him and texting him constantly and "sounded suicidal" and it upset him so much that he could not focus and ended up tanking the finals. And he just knows if he were given a second chance, he could do better. Right away I said, ummm...your sister had her meltdown a week after your last final. And, no, I never said anything indicating I was suicidal. Fortunately, the worker saw that as an excuse and pointed out that he had already flunked the class the term before and that finals are generally not worth such a large part of the grade that something like that would cause his grade to plummet that far. But I was still humiliated over it!

 

My son is actually a nice person. But he does not think some things through. We got in the car and I told him he really embarrassed me and unless he owns up to why his grades were so low, he will not be able to improve them. He apologized. His processing and such are quite low on his testing, so it is understandable that this lapse in judgement happened.

 

But now, in hindsight, I think I will not allow kids to blame us for stuff. Clearly, it ended up out of hand and them not being able to understand when blaming us is ok and when not. And also, I do have some children with special needs, so maybe their thinking is not abstract enough to get when it is ok and when not? I am not sure. But for us, we are just going to teach our children to own up and admit when they don't want to do something, or can't do something, and so on.

 

Any insight on this? Is this just my children? Did I make a big mistake letting them blame us and it is understandable that they did not get when it is ok? I think it is a big mistake to let them blame us for stuff.

I haven't read the other responses yet, so please excuse me if this has already been pointed out, but normal, rational, reasonable children know full well that when their mom says they can blame her to get out of an uncomfortable or awkward situation, that does not mean it is OK to outright lie at the drop of a hat and humiliate her, nor is it OK to use that excuse in a serious situation as they grow older.

 

For heaven's sake, Elisabet, your son and dd aren't 6 years old and wanting an excuse to avoid a sleepover at a friend's house. You are talking about serious dishonesty issues here.

 

You are blaming something you said years ago for recent dishonest behavior, and frankly, I don't see any correlation whatsoever there. My ds knows that even at 15, he can use me as an excuse if necessary, but he certainly realizes that I don't mean he can blame me to get himself out of real trouble or as an excuse for failing to meet his responsibilities.

[Catwoman]

I was talking about something he said 2 months ago when he was trying to save his butt for a scholarship he needed to continue for school. It was not about being at a safe place. I do not share the stuff with him that I have shared on the board. He did not want to lose the money for school. He likes being off at college, even if that is not the best place for him. He likes his own dorm room and he can get out there and ride his bike and he likes his job and so on. It had nothing to do with concerns about depression and he went back to school a couple weeks later. This is not a repeat problem with him. It was cut and dry, he wanted to save his financing and it was what he thought of to do it. Rather than admit he did something wrong for his grades, he blamed others. And really, it didn't get him anywhere. The stuff with my daughter is not an ongoing issue. She is 18 yrs old now. She is gone. She no longer lives with us. Everyone is very happy. I worry about her, sure. But our life is way better now. Before 18, we had to put up with her abuse and fits of rage. Over 18, we do not. So there is no "what the family is going through" stuff here. My son has actually been talking about wanting to move back home because he says, he enjoys being here now. There is no ongoing "stress" or "situation." The "situation" left the building and cannot come back.

Your dd may be out of your house, but she is certainly still in all of your minds and hearts, and families simply don't recover this quickly from that level of stress -- and if everyone is acting just fine, I would be very concerned that you are repressing your true feelings in an unhealthy way.

 

I'm worried about you guys.

 

I am glad, though, that your ds is talking about wanting to move back home again. He has had a very rough ride through all of the stuff that has happened with your dd, and I hope he is able to work through all of the conflicting emotions he must be feeling, as well as get some help with straightening out his issues at school. He sounds like a good kid who got stuck in a tough situation.

[clementine]

I have always given my kids the option of blaming me if they need to get out of an uncomfortable situation with friends....not for any other reason.  They have never misused it and it has helped them make good choices in the midst of peer pressure.  

[StephanieZ]

Whoa. Not OK! 

 

I've always told my kids (and other friends and family) to "throw me under the bus" anytime they need/want to . . . but, there is a limit!

 

I'd think that around age 10-16, kids need to transition to taking ownership for saying NO. They can't very well keep using parental prohibition as their excuse lifelong, so they really need to take ownership of their own NOs, and to feel comfortable saying NO when they want to. That's a vital life skill.

 

Sounds like even worse than not being able to say NO to a scary movie, your kids have just taken to making up lies to cover their errors. That's never OK, and it was not what you intended when you offered to be their fall guy. Seems like they are old enough to totally throw out the "throw me under the bus" excuse and take full ownership.

 

Perhaps a rule that "Throw me under the bus any time you need/want to . . . but 1) That throwing me under the bus can't make me look crazy, mean, or stupid. 2) You have to inform me as soon as practical (within 24 hours for sure) anytime you lie about me . . . 

 

Just the #2 would allow you to have frequent opportunities to adjust their understanding of #1 and would also allow you to quickly stop them from using you as a ridiculous excuse not to do their work or take ownership of their failings.

 

Sorry this happened to you! How mortifying!