momee Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Doing a conference talk tomorrow and I'm curious what you busy mommas would say make intimacy a challenge... Not just physical though that is included too. Spiritual and relational obstacles happen as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momee Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 My top three are 1)physical exhaustion 2) wrong ideas about his needs/importance of intimacy as relates to my husband 3) bitterness unforgiveness and anger towards my man Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
datgh Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Little house with tweens always around! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Selfishness. Mine or his. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RkyMtnMom Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I am exhausted at the end of the day. Realizing that special time with my husband does not have to be in bed right before we go to sleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 The only thing that comes to mind in our relationship was when the kids were around - which happened a lot - esp when we homeschooled. All of our bedrooms are upstairs and close to each other. It's not at all an issue now that we're empty nesting! It may rank as our top perk to be honest. ;) I guess coming in from working when one is all sweaty would also count, but showers fix that pretty easily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Time. And these short people who live here and seem to feel entitled to meals, clean clothes, education and time of the the tall people who live here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 1. Fatigue-- He needs way less sleep than I do. I collapse into bed at night. Along with this is the fact that he's a night owl and I'm a morning person. 2. Busyness--We both have so much going it can be hard to reconnect regularly. 3. Stress--correlates with the above. We can struggle to relax enough and put aside issues of the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AMJ Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Physically: Hormones. Luckily I have a very understanding and accommodating DH. Yes, he sometimes will persist, but it's because his hormones are doing their thing. We discuss what our respective issues of the moment are, and figure out a compromise. How romantic, huh? Emotionally I don't think we have much in the way of issues of intimacy. We mesh quite well. Of course, we knew each other 10 years before we got married (and were already sharing a house by then), so we each well knew what we were signing up for. My biggest personal issue is living in the climate we do, but that's because neither of us will leave the extended family and cost of living we have here. I'm not crazy about the climate, but I can deal with it (most years, this one being a bit harder than most, again due to hormones). Something I realized the other day: Menopause (the long, drawn-out version) gives new meaning to Elvis's Burning Love, and whichever song has that line that starts, "Hot-blooded...". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 The tiny, two year old terror. She's much more of a block than the 4 month old who nurses every 2 hours or less (more? Whichever equals less sleep!) around the clock. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Hormones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Toddlers. And differing work schedules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Strawberry Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Keeping him off my to-do list. I tend to feel like he is just one more person demanding my attention, and not my partner who needs to connect with me. Changing the way I view him keeps me from resenting him. It helps that he has learned to give more and take less from me. Now I feel like we are more balanced. He needs my attention, but I need physical intimacy. I feel like now, we both give more and receive more in return. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Spiritually and relationally... It took a long time for us to realize how much baggage we both brought to our marriage and how the differences in our FOO really made things difficult. We are just working on this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Deployment. Oh, you mean when he's actually somewhere on the same continent... ;) Um. Still going to go with lack of time/too long of work hours for him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 1. Chronic illness 2. Exhaustion 3. Anger/resentment towards my spouse. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 1) Anger/resentment due to inability to communicate effectively. 2) My inability to mentally let-go (busy brain syndrome?). 3) Hormones. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomtoCandJ Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Kids!!! Though we now explore other areas of our small house Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I don't have a husband. That creates a big obstacle to having intimacy with one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I don't have a husband. That creates a big obstacle to having intimacy with one. :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sandragood1 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 [quote name="momee" post="5933878" timestamp=" 3) bitterness unforgiveness and anger towards my man This Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momee Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 No one really mentioned body image. Interesting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VeganCupcake Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Many small children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LostSurprise Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 The physical presence (he sleeps with us) and stress of a special needs child. Exhaustion. Some bad habits from early in the relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne in ABQ Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Schedules/Different body rhythms: Dh is early to bed, early to rise. He goes to bed 2-3 hours before I do. He's up early (still dark outside), and leaves for the day before I get up. I'd like to get intimate in the evening, but he's too tired (and the kids are still up and around). He would like to get frisky in the morning, and I've tried, but my body just doesn't respond. The best time for us is late at night, after he's been asleep for a few hours, the kids are asleep, I'm not *too* tired, and I "accidentally" wake him up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T'smom Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Exhaustion. Kids refusing to go to sleep. Being too busy to just sit and be with each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ivey Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Kids with sleep issues. We have one in bed with us and one who comes to "check on us" every few hours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jackie Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 1. Exhaustion, exacerbated by my chronic depression. 2. Each of us having different routines and sleep schedules - we just don't end up in bed at the same time unless one of us is already sound asleep. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shannon in TN Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Honestly, I'd say all of the above (even the body image bit) I'm tired. I'm distracted. Too much going on during the day (plus he works during the day). I'm just not in the "horny" mindset most of the time. By the end of the day, I just want to do nothing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lolly Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Dh's eye drops. (They are one of those meds that reduce desire. Unfortunately, it is use them or go blind. That or his age is catching up to him. He is quite tolerant of my needs though.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 FWIW, we've rarely been interested - or even tried to be - at bedtime. I guess this is why kids were our main obstacle, but exhaustion seldom was. I go to bed hours before hubby does. He wakes up hours after I do. Bedtime just didn't work for us as one of us would have been tired. We took advantage of the times the kids were gone (youth group, friend's houses, chess matches, whatever could work). It was easier after the oldest got his driver's license and could play chauffeur! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Clothes😄 Sorry, couldn't resist.... For me, definitely chronic pain and fatigue. His fatigue after a long day. One of us having to stay up much later to get something prepared for the next day. Both being on the same page at the same time. Basically, life getting in the way of the people we might like to be... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommymilkies Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 1) Anger/resentment due to inability to communicate effectively. 2) My inability to mentally let-go (busy brain syndrome?). 3) Hormones. Pretty much all of the other statements, but this in particular. Add in chronic pain and exhaustion along with meds that are hinderances. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
countrygal Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Him: workaholism Me: exhausted at the end of the day from dealing with kids and I need alone time to recharge We have a great relationship, but we both just wish we could have the time and resources (farm help and home help!) do things like we use to do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Time, exhaustion and currently I'm on hormonal birth control. Normally I'm more interested than he is but on the rare occasions that I'm on hormonal bc, it really changes that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdrinca Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I resent that his daily life is significantly less stressful than mine, that he doesn't acknowledge how draining these days are, and he asks me to set aside the precious few hours I have to plan every single aspect of educating 2 or 3 kids and run a household and have some semblance of an inner life. We're at a challenging period in our relationship. Four small children and homeschooling and other lifestyle choices we've made do that to you. I'm full in the "it's a season of our lives" camp. My DH is afraid that it's forever. I see his perspective and try to meet him halfway, but like those studies which ask couples to estimate the percent of household chores they do (and each spouse estimates he does greater than 50 percent), my halfway is his 20-meter line. Gosh, I'd hate to diagram that last sentence. Also, and I cannot emphasize this enough, I am holding a child almost every moment of the day - either the 14-month old or the 4 year old during the day, then the baby all night long in bed. I really, really, really like the 3 hours of MY BODY time I get to myself at night. (Oh! And that's why I love driving, too. With an audiobook in the car...) I know it's selfish. It's hard not to be when I'm giving so much during the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shawthorne44 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Timing. I have a short window between when DD is reliably in bed and when my body shuts down and gets ready for bed. DH is usually keenly interested about one hour after that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 No one really mentioned body image. Interesting. While I had a very poor body image for a very long time, and for good reason, he always made me feel desirable and made it known that he wanted me and found me beautiful and sexy. Sometimes it was a random compliment such a sigh followed by "You are so beautiful", and sometimes it was a slap in the behind with a horny teenager style grunt while I was doing the dishes. I felt hideous, but I know he didn't see me that way at all. I've heard similar things from others, so no, poor body image isn't necessarily an obstacle. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Childhood abuse has caused major problems. If I have my feelings hurt by him it can be hard to get over the pain, even if I've forgiven him. Just because you know something in your head, that doesn't mean you can feel it in your heart. Yes I forgive you, I know you didn't mean it, but it still hurts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Inna* Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Health issues. My lack of trust, unforgiveness, emotional baggage from many years ago, anger/distrust towards men in general. Selfishness. It's funny- I've been thinking about this just yesterday. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
medawyn Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Pregnancy (fatigue, body image, lack of, um, flexibility) Knowing that this will be followed by about 5 months of complete and total lack of desire due to breast feeding (my DH is a very patient man and very supportive of breast feeding, despite causing serious issues in the intimacy department). Having small children and being "touched out" by the end of the day Priorities: I find myself putting his/our intimacy needs much lower (probably too low) on my priority list and get frustrated with him when I feel he is putting family/children too low on his list. The resulting frustration leads to increased distance; honest conversation works (slowly) to bring us back into an emotional (and then usually physical) intimacy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 I feel like we do pretty well, despite having 5 small kids. However, being tired at the end of the day it probably the biggest problem. I always feel bad when I've made flirtatious comments throughout the day only to fall asleep before he gets out of the shower. :( The mornings that he has the day off are good ones. ;) Also, breastfeeding seems to diminish my body's response, and I'm often too tired for the 45 minutes it would require to get me going. However, I still crave the closeness with DH. So I told DH that I would actually prefer the *quickies* where he doesn't worry about me (which he would much prefer to do), but we still get a few minutes of intimate time and I know his needs are being met. Strange, but true-- a couple of the times I've been pregnant, during the 1st and 2nd trimester I have the raging hormones of a teenage boy. It was all I could think about. I would wake DH in the middle of the night, it was so bad. *blush* I (half-jokingly) complained to DH about how hard it was and he responded with "Now you know how it feels to be a man!" At least it has made me understand the very real physical (constant) need that men have, even when my own needs wax and wane with pregnancy, childbirth, lactation, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Indian summer Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 My biggest obstacle has been a lack of high quality fat in my diet which led to lack of desire. When I began eating more fat, there was no fatigue in the world strong enough to stop me. Teehee Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 My kids are all old enough to understand what sex is. We always keep our bedroom door open at night unless we are ... So it sometimes bothers me knowing that a kid walking by our bedroom to go to the bathroom KNOWS what's going on. Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bodiesmom Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Without doubt small children were the biggest barrier we ever experienced. Their long-term nursing, nighttime needs, illnesses, noncompliance with my bedtime demands...etc. Now that they are older, life is...much better. LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blondeviolin Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Exhaustion is a big one here. Also, breast feeding completely kills any inkling I might get. This pregnancy has been awesome for me hormone-wise and my husband is loving it. It's also a taste of how I feel when he's constantly pestering me and I'm too tired to even speak a sentence. And good for me to get a glimpse as to how he feels when it's been a couple weeks and I have to be "persuaded." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Justmeandyou Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 zero desire. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Being tired at the end of the day. (And it had to be then, because someone was always home.) Also, trying to shut down the "To Do" list in my brain. Now our youngest is at college, but even then, we have a couple of grown-up kids in town that could stop by anytime during the day. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chelli Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 Independence. We are both very independent people who are used to taking care of things ourselves. This finds us doing our own thing too often instead of making time to connect with each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted September 19, 2014 Share Posted September 19, 2014 1. Fatigue-- He needs way less sleep than I do. I collapse into bed at night. Along with this is the fact that he's a night owl and I'm a morning person. This is a factor for us too, though on the first count it is reversed. I can survive ok on 5-6 hours most nights. He is all but useless school and work wise with much less than 8. He tends to stay up very late to study and I tend to get an early start on the day. We do ok though. It's an equally important priority for both of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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