How to deal with the "gimmes"

[Walking-Iris]

I need advice on dealing with the what I call the "gimmes."

 

My kids act like denied spoiled kids at times.

 

Lately they want everything. They're upset if we don't buy a toy, DVD, markers or crayons....whatever random junk made for kids that a store chooses to display really.

 

I don't spoil my kids and buy a lot of stuff, and especially when their behavior is like this. They have nice toys, kits, etc to use at home. They get their own money from helping out at home.

 

My oldest ds has been able to save for something he likes, but he still complains that he doesn't have enough, or he gets sulky and whiny if .."no we won't be buying a DVD today, we're here to buy groceries." "No we can't get that Lego set today." If he saves enough, he does buy something....but then my other two start in whining because he got something and they didn't

 

My younger two are the same--always wanting something and complaining if they don't get it.

 

I just --1. cannot afford to buy everything their passing fancy wants and 2. refuse to spend money on junk toys and 3. absolutely will not cave to whiny, spoiled behavior.

 

I have tried to explain to them the value of money, where it comes from, what it needs to be used for, and to give them opportunities to earn some for themselves. I do buy nice things for my kids (holidays, birthdays) and I will at times surprise them with some small thing just because and will let them pick something out at times at the store. But certainly not even close to every single errand. Even if I'm running in to pay the water bill and then home, they start in whining about wanting to go somewhere or get something. 

 

 Right now this is an issue. A big issue in our home. My oldest is in the state of mind that every other kid gets what they want, except him. Nothing I say will convince him otherwise. And then the other two will follow his example.

 

My dh and I are so tired of hearing "I never get what I want." "We never get anything." Or in my 4 year olds case just complete crying. 

 

I need advice. I can't be the only Mom who has dealt with this. I've started prefacing every single outing with "we're only going to xyz because such and such and that is all."  But they still start in asking...no demanding. Their asking isn't even pleasant in tone.

 

I have never been one of those Moms who will buy something to prevent a scene. They start whining or complaining then it just makes me dig in deeper in my "No."

 

I have zero!!! patience for complaining children trying to throw a fit over a bag of Skittles I will not buy. I know some parents who would just get the candy to appease the child...but I can't stand that kind of behavior. 

 

We do treat them and surprise them. It really isn't as if I'm always saying no. I really do say yes just as often. Especially when everyone is pleasant.  But lately ( I'd say most of this spring and summer) they have just been really in this state of mind.

 

I need advice. BTDT  advice. 

 

:banghead:

 

 

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

When I get ready to go shopping, I sit down with the whiny kids and say, "Here's what we're getting. Nothing not on the list will be bought. Begging and whining will only get you into trouble. Don't even bother asking for anything not on the list."

 

However, I do ask for their input on certain things, like letting one child pick out the cereal, letting another child choose which apples look best, another child gets to give input on the type of cookies we will bake that week. etc. They are probably bored and tired of tromping around a store knowing that they will get nothing "fun" at the end of the shopping trip.

 

We do not buy toys, dvd's, etc. at grocery stores, and I avoid other types of shopping with kids in tow.

 

I don't explain to my kids very much when they're whiny. I might do it at another time when we're at home or something, but whining in stores gets a response of "Wah. Get over it."

 

Do your kids watch TV? Are they being tempted by commercials to be discontent?

[Starr]

If you ever give in it is worth a try. ;)

[Plateau Mama]

My kids went thru this too. I started giving them an allowance and stopped buying them things. If they want it they can use their allowance. Very, very rarely will I buy them something more often than not it is something I would have purchased anyway.

 

They get 1/2 their age per week, paid monthly. It is amazing how much less they want to buy when it s there money, especially my 12 yo. He's Mr. Scrooge when it's his money.

[TammyS]

 

 

I don't explain to my kids very much when they're whiny. I might do it at another time when we're at home or something, but whining in stores gets a response of "Wah. Get over it."

 

:iagree:  Responding to a whine is just starting an argument.  Say no, then keep moving. 

 

Also, I put my kids "on silence", meaning they are not allowed to speak until I give them permission.  I start "on silence" as soon as anything remotely whiny come out of a mouth and it usually doesn't end end until the cause of the whine is far away (at least a few aisles).  You will probably want to practice "on silence" at home a bit before trying it out in a store.

 

Another thing that helps is that I simply do not EVER buy toys (or any other treats) while out doing errands or regular shopping.  It's not going to happen.

 

You might also give them something they can lose by whining when you are out.  It could be almost anything.  Let them choose the fruit for the week, or promise a stop at the park before going home, or ANYTHING that is ONLY for those who behaved (and I personally have no problem with some members of the family getting a treat of some kind while other members get to watch and not get a treat - that's the result of choosing not to obey).

[Slache]

When our 3 year old gets like this he doesn't get to go to the store at all and we explain why. That puts a quick end to it.

[Walking-Iris]

When I get ready to go shopping, I sit down with the whiny kids and say, "Here's what we're getting. Nothing not on the list will be bought. Begging and whining will only get you into trouble. Don't even bother asking for anything not on the list."

 

However, I do ask for their input on certain things, like letting one child pick out the cereal, letting another child choose which apples look best, another child gets to give input on the type of cookies we will bake that week. etc. They are probably bored and tired of tromping around a store knowing that they will get nothing "fun" at the end of the shopping trip.

 

We do not buy toys, dvd's, etc. at grocery stores, and I avoid other types of shopping with kids in tow.

 

I don't explain to my kids very much when they're whiny. I might do it at another time when we're at home or something, but whining in stores gets a response of "Wah. Get over it."

 

Do your kids watch TV? Are they being tempted by commercials to be discontent?

 

The bolded. I do do this. I do let my kids help shop for the things we need. I let them pick out things from two or three choices, or go down the aisles on their own to get a staple. I do let my kids choose various things. They get to choose their clothing for the most part. What character underwear, color of socks, even what color of shoes. I do ask their input into those things. We live in a small rural town, so unfortunately we have to do a bulk of our grocery shopping at a Walmart and of course they know that there's that whole other side of the store!!! We do not watch TV. We only have Netflix. We haven't had cable in years and years. Mainly they have been acting as if just because it's there, they can have it. 

 

This happened this morning.This is what prompted me to post the issue. My Dh came home from a weekend trip yesterday and brought the kids a bag  of rock candy. I had to go pick up a prescription at the drugstore and my 7 year old asked to come along. He sees a toy car displayed. I did preface our trip with "i just need to run in and pick up xyz." I always say that now. But I didn't buy the car, for starters I didn't have the cash on me to get the car, and he started on the way home with the "we never get anything." Um...hello!!! I'm sort of getting completely fed up with this behavior. They seem to have completely lost all feelings of gratefulness. The car by the way was 5.99. IMHO that's a bit much to just give in to whiny behavior even if I was inclined to. Especially knowing that the other two would complain, and especially after I specifically said we're just running in to get this one thing and out.  It seriously makes me want to not go anywhere with them...like ever!!!

My kids went thru this too. I started giving them an allowance and stopped buying them things. If they want it they can use their allowance. Very, very rarely will I buy them something more often than not it is something I would have purchased anyway.

 

They get 1/2 their age per week, paid monthly. It is amazing how much less they want to buy when it s there money, especially my 12 yo. He's Mr. Scrooge when it's his money.

 

We don't do allowances. maybe we should start. I do give them money for helping with chores beyond every day chores. 

[MomtoCandJ]

I'm going through this with dd1, it usually ends with "tough cookies, I don't always get what I want either". Most of the whining is because we buy something for dd2 (diapers for example and most frequent). I tell dd1 that dd2 needs the diapers not want them. Though I do let her pick out a food treat (like her favorite fruit or cereal) which is usually on the list anyways. Any fuss whining ends with her not being able to pick her choice of what was on the list, and whatever activity she wanted to do afterwards.

[alisoncooks]

I need a "cure" for this type of behavior -- we're struggling with it BIG TIME at our house right now.  I could have written the original post, word for word.  I get so frustrated with the ingratitude and how the children seem to be always looking for the next thing.

[Laura Corin]

I stopped the spontaneous gifts.  I couldn't get young children to understand why today I wasn't giving them something when yesterday I did.  From about age five, they each had an allowance - one pound a week up to age 11, then an extra pound a year until it topped out at £5 at age 15.  They had to finance all their spending (beyond basic clothing and food) from that.  They only received books and toys from me for birthdays and Christmas.  If they wanted more books, they could go to the library.

 

They are both good at managing their money now, after spending pocket money on junk a few times - I didn't stop them.  They learned.

 

L

[ficbot]

Maybe time to try some positive reinforcement here? Explain to them, once, that there is only so much money for these things and that people (adults, too!) have to buy their needs before their wants. Tell them you do enjoy buying them little treats sometimes, but that you can't do it when they whine and fuss. If they do want today's outing to maybe be a treat one, they have to help you get what's on the list and not whine about anything else. If they do, it's a automatic 'no buy day.' Then the first time you go out and they do follow this plan, buy them a little treat to reinforce it.

 

After that, you can explain to them that they should not expect a treat every time they are good. But they can expect a little one sometimes (a bag of Skittles is a different thing from a toy!) And they can expect that if they ever do whine and fuss, they will absolutely be ruining their chances at getting one for that day! 

[rwjx2khsmj]

Several things I've done over the years...

Told asking children to put the desired item on their gift list for either birthday or Christmas depending on the time of year.

Immediately walked out of store when whining is unacceptable. Refused to take whiny child to stores for several weeks following speedy exit.

When grocery shopping with children, each is allowed to select a special snack if they are well behaved.

Simply said no, over and over again. 

Distracted with games and silly talk.

Acknowledged the desired item and inject reality...I certainly understand why you want xyz. It seems really cool. Put it on your list.When you have enough money we can talk about buying it.

[JessReplanted]

(This is meant as nicely and friendly as possible).

 

Stop buying them cr@p. 

 

If they want something, and they mention it in an appropriate way (not with whining), then tell them to add it to a Christmas or birthday list.  In the meantime, find a way to study or experience other cultures where people just don't have has much stuff.

 

We live in a wealthy area on a shoestring budget, so I know what it's like for your kids' friends to have lots of things that your kids don't have. But, I try to focus on all of the things we do have that many other people don't (like those sad children trying to walk their way into our country, or any of the other millions of examples the world provides).

 

Kids don't have to be whiny "gimme -ers". I would take immediate action to shut it down.

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

This happened this morning.This is what prompted me to post the issue. My Dh came home from a weekend trip yesterday and brought the kids a bag  of rock candy. I had to go pick up a prescription at the drugstore and my 7 year old asked to come along. He sees a toy car displayed. I did preface our trip with "i just need to run in and pick up xyz." I always say that now. But I didn't buy the car, for starters I didn't have the cash on me to get the car, and he started on the way home with the "we never get anything." Um...hello!!! I'm sort of getting completely fed up with this behavior. They seem to have completely lost all feelings of gratefulness. The car by the way was 5.99. IMHO that's a bit much to just give in to whiny behavior even if I was inclined to. Especially knowing that the other two would complain, and especially after I specifically said we're just running in to get this one thing and out.  It seriously makes me want to not go anywhere with them...like ever!!!

 

We don't do allowances. maybe we should start. I do give them money for helping with chores beyond every day chores. 

 

I don't do allowances either. My dh and I don't get paid for breathing, so...

 

We do pay for extra chores that are above and beyond what they are normally expected to do.

 

Re: we never get anything.

 

I tend to respond with sarcasm. "Sure, you never get anything. Since you never get anything, I guess you're getting water for lunch. Then you're getting water for snack and water for supper. Oh wait, water's something. I guess you're going to be hungry and thirsty."

 

Don't take it so personally. The kids see that these words are powerful to you and they use them!

 

I also have amazon wish lists for my kids. They put stuff on them for birthdays and Christmas.

 

Also, sympathy goes a long way with some kids (some kids it just ramps up the drama) "Oh, that's a cool car. Really neat! It would be fun to get it. But not today. Maybe you can come back when you've brought your money along, and you can buy it for yourself. Or we can remember to put it on the wish list when you get home and maybe you'll find it under the Christmas tree."

[TammyinTN]

I got rid of the gimmes by giving allowances and making them pay for it out of their money.   If you don't have money for it...you don't get it.  That simple.  

[regentrude]

Allowance.

I never had to say "no, we won't get this" . I could say " yes, of course you may buy xyz, you have an allowance. Just use your own money."

It is remarkable how many wishes are no longer urgent when the child has to spend its own money.

Caveat: you need to let them spend it. A few frivolous, quickly regretted, junk purchases have done a lot more for financial education than a lot of talking on my part would have.

[Mom-ninja.]

When my kids whine or complain I just say, "I hear that you are disappointed (or frustrated, angry, sad, whatever) and it's hard to feel that way. It's not pleasant. I feel that way too at times. It will pass and you will live."

 

Repeat. 

 

After they have calmed down, stopped whining, etc. I will sometimes explain why they couldn't have what they wanted. 

 

I've also been known to make them write down (or pile together) all the stuff they do own. That has always made them change their attitude. So has gathering up possessions and getting rid of them. 

[Kalmia]

Isn't there a theory that intermittent reinforcement works better than constant giving in? That is the reason gambling is so addictive. So occasionally letting them pick out a toy or treat at the store is actually going to make them more likely to beg on subsequent trips than either never letting them get a toy or always getting them a toy. I was very good with my first child and never let him have anything off the list. If he had money to spend or we wanted to buy him something, it was during a special trip to the store just to do that--never on a grocery shopping trip or unrelated activity. He is 14 now and never begs for things in stores. With my daughter I was tired and sometimes got her a little treat to keep her occupied in the cart and no surprise she is a beggar! I think if you are going to say no, say no immediately and never change your mind or habit. The smart little kids will sense weakness and gamble that their begging will be a success if there is any waffling. Separate buying pre-approved things for the kids into separate trips may calm the whining during errands.

[LucyStoner]

I've never had issues with the gimmes.  So far.  Knock on wood. 

 

From age 4 and up my sons have received a small allowance and anything they ask for at the store that I didn't offer up before the trip (ie: you each get to pick out a new book today) they have always been told they can buy with their allowance or ask for it for Christmas.  I will offer my phone to them so they can snap a picture if they want to remember it.  Suddenly the can of lemonade or the pack of gum doesn't look so great if it is coming out of the allowance they are saving for a big lego set. 

 

I don't see the allowances as payment for breathing.  I see them as training on the benefits of saving vs. spending (ie: they both have learned, sometimes the hard way, that 1 allowance will get you basically nothing that you really want or that will last but that if you save for a year, you can get that nice item); training in giving (as they both are taught to donate some of their allowance); and sharing a bit of the household income with some very important household members.  When our income went down we went from $1/year of age/week to $1/per year of age/every other week on my husband's payday.  It's a token amount of discretionary income for them.  Allowance isn't tied to chores because household chores are not tied to mom and dad's ability to pay.  When our income halved, the chores we expected didn't halve and deciding that you don't want or can live without your allowance doesn't mean you can forgo your chores.  Chores are because you live here.  Allowance, to the extent that we can pay one, is also because you live here and because we don't want to send our kids off into the world without experience on saving, budgeting and giving. 

[soufflegirl]

I agree, limit the presents to Christmas and birthdays.

 

Most kids are not going to understand (or remember for next time) that the reason you gave in to their toy request is that it only cost $1.99. They are going to remember that the last time they went food shopping, they got a toy.

 

If it is really something that is important to them, they will remember it 4 months from now when you ask them what they want for Christmas.

[SKL]

I always say yes, you can have that, it costs $___.  Do you have that much, or would you like to pick up leaves?

 

My kids can earn a dollar per bucket if they pick up leaves.

 

I started this policy when they were 2yo.  They have only taken me up on that a few times.  :P  They quickly learned that just begging for a freebie wasn't going to pan out.

 

For other reasons, though, shopping is a pain for me.  I do it online as much as possible.  That would prevent nagging by the kids (if they were naggers), as I do my online shopping when they are sleeping.

[BarbecueMom]

Same problem here, except they keep begging for stuff that does not exist.  DS6 wants a certain video game that has never been made, and DS4 creates new words and asks if we can buy them and gets mad when I have no idea what he is talking about.

 

I'm sick of ignoring and deflecting and saying no and explaining.  Basically, I want them to quit acting their ages and stop asking in the first place.   :tongue_smilie:

[Gil]

My answer to "Can we get ----?" is 99.9% of the time "No."

 

We've gone through multiple versions of this, long drawn out explanations, short explanations, pre-shopping explanations, during-shopping explanations, showing them the list, having them help with the list, etc. Now the only thing that I say is "You already know the answer to that, so either change the subject or stop talking until we get home."

 

If they complain about never getting anything, I take something that they do have and let them experience life without one of the privileges/comforts that they do enjoy.

 

Also, I have, on a few occasions, put everything back and walked out of the store with only a pair of boys in tow.

[Trilliums]

Take them to tour a landfill.

 

 

Trash accumulation is a main reason I don't buy my kids a lot of toys.  I think my kids first started to get the message when we watched "the Story of Stuff" but it has been a while.

[LostSurprise]

In my experience (limited as that is) there are 2-3 main reasons for whining/begging. The first is that it works. You've given in to the requests or whines enough times (even if it's once or twice). People do what works. Or, they are truly young enough where they don't understand that everything is not available. It's not unusual for a very young child to be disappointed because in their version of the world the only reason you do not give it to them is because you're being mean. It's our job to gently teach them that we do not own everything in the world and only sometimes (and how wonderful those times are!) do we get the things we want. We share the world. Sometimes it's someone else's turn. We need to be kind and consistent during these lessons. There are also certain personalities that are more negative/less satisfied. If your oldest is one of those children it can be harder to train your others out of the gimmes. 

 

Generally in these conversations people cover the first two reasons. Absolutely stop special treats for a season. Calmly let them know expectations ahead of time ("We are getting X. We are not getting Y. Please use polite behavior. Whining or complaining is not polite behavior. Saying this (give common example) is whining/complaining. If you can not use polite behavior after a warning we will do Z consequence.") Model polite behavior. Let them know when their behavior is not polite but do it calmly and seriously. Be consistent. Use facial expressions that let them know how their sounds or crying make you feel. If they can't stop and you can swing it...go home. Separate those who continue from the rest of the group before it spreads. 

 

Now I'll cover negative personalities. Some people are glass half empty. That's just who they are. They are always going to have trouble with a lack of satisfaction and finding appropriate ways to fill that need. If your child is like that--especially the oldest because they influence the others--it is our job to help them realize what is appropriate behavior and what is not. The first rule is always listen. This type of person often longs for understanding. They are truly trying to reach out. If we shut our mouths and give them our eyes and attention, often it all ends there. Connection successful. Need met. Done. 

 

We have a rule in this house about complaining because my oldest has this personality type. 

 

1 complaint = I'm listening and empathizing

2 complaints (about the same thing) = you want my help figuring out how to fix this, we talk about ways to fix it

3 complaints (about the same thing) = complaining  This kind of repetition is beyond polite behavior. It infects those around you. It doesn't look for understanding or a way to fix things, it's emotionally bombing the room. I will listen. I will try to help. I will not be stuck with impolite behavior which seeks for everyone to feel the same way you do. 

 

If they get to 3 complaints you have to teach them appropriate techniques to deal with their problems. What can they do to feel better? Activity often helps. I'll often send my boys out to run around the house or block. I'll give them a physical task to do. Most of all, I try to help them realize the consequences of this behavior in the real world. What would friends do if they did this in a group? What might Grandma do? Does this make people feel bad? Does this help them? Do people want to be around this behavior?

 

This is not something you can do with a young negative child, but as they get older (8-10) you can usually have serious conversations with them. Before that time I model correct behavior and have them rewind until they show me the correct behavior back. If they can't stop I remove them from the group awhile. And LISTEN. It's always important for me to listen no matter what age. 

 

I hope this is helpful. It can be tough. Be well and good luck with your training. 

[Hyacinth]

 

This happened this morning.This is what prompted me to post the issue. My Dh came home from a weekend trip yesterday and brought the kids a bag  of rock candy. I had to go pick up a prescription at the drugstore and my 7 year old asked to come along. He sees a toy car displayed. I did preface our trip with "i just need to run in and pick up xyz." I always say that now. But I didn't buy the car, for starters I didn't have the cash on me to get the car, and he started on the way home with the "we never get anything." Um...hello!!! I'm sort of getting completely fed up with this behavior. They seem to have completely lost all feelings of gratefulness. The car by the way was 5.99. IMHO that's a bit much to just give in to whiny behavior even if I was inclined to. Especially knowing that the other two would complain, and especially after I specifically said we're just running in to get this one thing and out.  It seriously makes me want to not go anywhere with them...like ever!!!

Most of your posts are coming at this issue as a behavior/character issue, and I will encourage you to continue with that focus. Don't engage with them (or with yourself) on the cost factor of the car, the DVD, the candy, or the eye-level knick-knack of the day as that simply encourages the idea that if the item were cheaper, you would buy it.

 

I'll also agree with the others who mentioned an allowance. It's much easier to squelch the gimmes when the items in question require effort and sacrifice to acquire.  

[Walking-Iris]

Thank you all for the great posts!!!!

 

So much to think about.

 

I'm hoping this is a phase.

 

I'm hoping to implement some different tactics and ideas from this thread to help them over this hump. 

 

You have all been very helpful!!!

[MomatHWTK]

We watched the beginning of the Coursera course of Subsistance Markets.  The course opens with a family in India living in one room, and using cow dung as a disinfectant for their front yard. So I just ask the whiney kid if they would like to go spread cow dung?  ;)

 

But seriously, we didn't watch the whole series and I don't drive the "other people have less" lessons into the ground but it was a good way for them to see that not everyone lives the way we do. 

 

I have also been known to give them the 'back in the day' speech.  You know, we didn't even have home computers when I was a kid and only 3 channels on TV! 

[Guest]

We don't do allowances. maybe we should start. I do give them money for helping with chores beyond every day chores.

 

I did do allowances. I started it precisely to avoid the gimmies. Some cheap toy car all the sudden doesn't look so great when it will use all their allowance money.

 

In your case, starting from no allowance, I would set them up with the boundaries. So, i would tell them they will get this amount of money and they can spend it on (whatever your parameters are) when we go to the store. If they don't have enough $ for something, I cheerfully say, "oh, true, you can't afford that today. If you want to save up your allowance for three more weeks, then we can come buy it." They learn so many great lessons this way! Chances are, they will realize the thing is not as great.

[saraha]

At our house, the answer is no. You can buy it yourself next time.  Then if the whining starts, the response is "Sorry, I don't speak whine"  then I ignore them.  If they escalate, it is a prompt trip to the car and home.   Since all shopping is at least 20 minutes from the house, they will be lectured all the way home, then left at home for future shopping trips.  This has worked well for the times we have encountered it.

 

Also, we don't do allowances, but they can earn money doing extra chores, they get tooth fairy money, and usually birthday money from relatives.

 

The one time a child responded to "buy it yourself next time"  with "but I won't remember next time" was met with hysterical laughter, and was told, "lets think about that for a minute"

[AK_Mom4]

"Can I have ________? I want _______!"

 

"Sure. Use your own money."

 

"I don't have any money!"

 

"Then you need to earn some. I will pay $xx if you do yyyy. Save your money and get what you want."

 

Lather. Rinse. Repeat. This really worked well with my kids and they are all really tight-fisted with THEIR money see days!

[Guest]

I just don't get them things.

 

But also, and I think for us this is the most important thing....and I know people won't like it but well.... for US, dh and I started talking to the kids about advertising and things of that nature whezcvn they were VERY young.

 

Crap and candy at the aisles is the easiest example.

 

My kid asks for something he sees at walgreens, for example. I say no. He says...not even whining, necessarily... "I really wish we could get that doodad". I'll ask him....now, why do you think the people that set up this store so that cheap little toys and candy are on those low shelves, when my face is all the way up here. I'm the one with the money. But they didn't stick candy in MY face. They put it down there where it is always in kid's faces."

 

I pick him up and ask him, "now whats right in front of your face if you're an adult?" He will tell me: magazines and cigarettes.

 

Yep.

 

We've had that convo several times, and many like them. Point this stuff out to your kids, man. Help them see how commercials and store displays push them to think they need or deserve things they really do not. Show them how it is done with adukts, the same as with kids. But its particularly insidious with children because they don't usually have their own money to make choices with.

 

Then, empower them to make good choices with their own money. Let them learn how to both give and receive gifts gracefully. If they have five bucks and want a lego man, ask them how they would feel and what they would think if you started begging them to buy you a soda instead of that lego man.

 

They'll learn! And its probably just a phase. But a particularly annoying one to be sure!

I "like" your post double! I have done, and highly recommend, as you have done to help them understand how they are targeted. I have said to my kids, "See how that TV commercial makes the toy seem like it is SO much fun? Do you think it is really so much fun to swirl that ball around in your hand over and over again?" I want my kids to think critically about purchases - why do I want this, really? Because the kids on TV seem like it is fun?

 

Hopefully, they will carry judicious spending into adulthood.

[bolt.]

I try to engage with what they are trying to communicate (even though they are communicating with poor manners).

 

My first line of response is generally, "I like it too." Or "I see what you like about it." With some specifics in the tone form of totally normal chit-chat. Internally I acknowledge that the product is clearly and cleverly marketed (by talented professionals!) to children, who have few defenses against it, and if course they like it, and of course they want it.

 

Simple liking and impulsive wanting are not crimes. They are everyday experiences. They can not be extinguished, so they must be acknowledged and taught around.

 

After chatting about what they like, I sometimes thank them for letting me know their tastes/preferences because it helps me shop for them in better ways when they are bit there (like buying gifts).

 

I leave it hanging, and if they don't actually say, "Will you buy it for me?" I assume the conversation was about personal tastes, and the communication urge was satisfied.

 

If they ask "Will you buy..." I shift to my faux-confused tactic that I use to socialize them into grasping that their behaviour is somewhat outlandish and therefore confusing and requiring clarification.

 

Ie:

"Will you buy me the Lego set?"

"I dunno, maybe. When's the next gift holiday? Ok, yeah, maybe this for that occasion. I'll see."

"No, will you buy it today?"

"Today? Why, honey? I usually buy and wrap presents so they can be a surprise for my kids."

"But I want it!"

"Yes, dear, you told me. You like xyz about it. I understand."

 

At which point they tend to give up trying to get me to understand that they are actually attempting to be demanding.

 

If it degenerates to bad manners, we have the "bad manners" conversation without really addressing the topic.

[PrairieSong]

I never, ever bought anything for my kids if they whined. Occasionally I might get them a little something, but NEVER EVER if they whined.

 

I tried make shopping trips fun if I could. At a grocery store, I would get them a free bakery cookie or little samples of whatever. We would go look at the live lobsters in the tank, or find other fun things to look at or talk about. I also tried to make sure they were not super hungry or tired when we went. That's just asking for trouble. I tried to not drag out the trip too much.

 

Keep it short and sweet. Keep it fun. No buying anything for whining kids. Turn a deaf ear to it.

[AimeeM]

Isn't there a theory that intermittent reinforcement works better than constant giving in? That is the reason gambling is so addictive. So occasionally letting them pick out a toy or treat at the store is actually going to make them more likely to beg on subsequent trips than either never letting them get a toy or always getting them a toy. I was very good with my first child and never let him have anything off the list. If he had money to spend or we wanted to buy him something, it was during a special trip to the store just to do that--never on a grocery shopping trip or unrelated activity. He is 14 now and never begs for things in stores. With my daughter I was tired and sometimes got her a little treat to keep her occupied in the cart and no surprise she is a beggar! I think if you are going to say no, say no immediately and never change your mind or habit. The smart little kids will sense weakness and gamble that their begging will be a success if there is any waffling. Separate buying pre-approved things for the kids into separate trips may calm the whining during errands.

 

I think it depends entirely on the child.

My eldest is 13. I have always randomly, sometimes, purchased her little toys and things from stores - she is NEVER a beggar. Never.

[Mrs Mungo]

My kids have received at least small allowances from the time they were fairly young. This gives them a little control over what they buy. But, it is an easy out to say, "oh, you want that magazine/Lego set/box of crayons/etc? Do you have allowance left? Oh, guess you. Can get it next week?"

[Plateau Mama]

 

We don't do allowances. maybe we should start. I do give them money for helping with chores beyond every day chores.

 

  I don't tie allowance to chores. To me the allowance is solely for them to learn to manage their money. They do chores because they are a part of the house and everyone helps out.

Allowance.

I never had to say "no, we won't get this" . I could say " yes, of course you may buy xyz, you have an allowance. Just use your own money."

It is remarkable how many wishes are no longer urgent when the child has to spend its own money.

Caveat: you need to let them spend it. A few frivolous, quickly regretted, junk purchases have done a lot more for financial education than a lot of talking on my part would have.

I had this today. My 6 yo wanted a silly $4 toy. I said no a couple times but he really wanted it, so I let him buy it. Not 2 minutes later he was regretting his choice thinking he had maybe wated his money. That maybe something better would come along while we were out etc. he didn't ask to buy anything else today.

[Catwoman]

I have to preface my comment by saying that I have always bought my ds a lot of stuff and I still do, whether for holidays or just because he sees something he likes in a store or I happen to see something I think he will like.

 

But...

 

If he acted like he was entitled to the stuff, the party would be over. He's an appreciative kid, so I enjoy getting things for him, but if he was whiny and obnoxious, I would not encourage that attitude by buying more things.

 

My best advice is not to buy things when the kids are acting like brats, but to still buy things here and there when you see something you know they will like -- but they haven't made a scene about wanting it and arguing with you about how they need it and how everyone else has it, so they should have it, too. Reward the nice. Ignore the bratty (or at least don't reward it!)

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Several things I've done over the years...

Told asking children to put the desired item on their gift list for either birthday or Christmas depending on the time of year.

Immediately walked out of store when whining is unacceptable. Refused to take whiny child to stores for several weeks following speedy exit.

When grocery shopping with children, each is allowed to select a special snack if they are well behaved.

Simply said no, over and over again. 

Distracted with games and silly talk.

Acknowledged the desired item and inject reality...I certainly understand why you want xyz. It seems really cool. Put it on your list.When you have enough money we can talk about buying it.

 

I have done all these things.

 

The best cure for the gimme's is to simply leave the store.  ("You have a bad case of the gimme's.  You must be allergic to this store or something.  We need to leave right now.")  You will only have to do this once, most likely.  Dc will be shocked.  A second time will be a sure cure.  

 

Maintenance after the cure is to not buy them anything at all for several months.

 

Eventually, you may add a treat at the END of a trip to the store as a surprise, but only if dc asks for NOTHING at all during the shopping trip.  

 

This has worked with both of my gotta-have-it kids.  YMMV.

[Cammie]

Recently my son mentioned that he never gets "fun stuff" except for birthday and Christmas.  I hadn't realized that was true but it is and I am glad. My kids have tons of stuff (thanks grandma) and we are very generous on birthdays and Christmas.  But we do not do the "little extras" on every shopping trip.  With zero expectation they are not much disappointed.  The ONE thing I cannot say "no" to is books.  And the kids know this.  So if they want a book, we do get it.   I think that for many kids the 1% chance that you will give in makes the whining worth it!  So if there is a 0% chance, that may take care of the problem.

[Snow]

When I told my son he could buy his own things, he wanted to buy little thing all the time. I felt like every week he was asking me to buy something for himself. So, I started a monthly buy yourself a toy day. He can spend his own money on whatever he likes, however much he wants to spend. It has helped him buy better toys because he has more saved up and I think having a formal, official day really helped him; he can rely on it. I'm not going to randomly take that day away from him and he knows it's happens in approx the middle of the month so he can look forward to it and he knows exactly what to expect.

[Alice]

We also do allowances. 

 

If I am going to buy something I make it very clear ahead of time what it is and stick to it. For example, we spend all summer at the pool. There is a snackbar. They want snacks every day. All the kids have snacks, etc. I bring snacks but tell them on Fridays I will buy a special treat from the snackbar. Any other day if they want junk, they buy it with their own money. One year my middle son spent one month's allowance in one week on snacks. He realized it and then bought nothing else the rest of the summer. It was a good lesson for him. We find it to be a good medium between making them pay for their own stuff and giving them an occasional treat. 

[SadieMarie]

I just say "no" and keep moving.  It has been a while since this involved a tantrum as my kids are older, but I would just try to ignore it along with all the disapproving stares that came with it lol.  

[kewb]

When mine were younger I found the gimmes went away faster if I unplugged them for week.  

I have a zero tolerance policy.  Exiting the store without the cart full of groceries drove the lesson home faster then any conversation we ever had (and I would always sit them down beforehand and go over the rules and how we are not deviating from the list).  Leaving without the groceries was incredibly inconvenient because I had to return to the store later and go grocery shopping but it worked.

[Tohru]

I have always told them, "OH! Maybe for Christmas!" or "Maybe for your birthday!".  They say it now to each other too.  If it is a bad day and they persist a little bit, I tell them they can take a picture of it with my camera phone and that usually helps. 

 

However if it's a REALLY BAD day, then I will walk out, leaving the cart, with them screaming and throwing fits behind me.  We generally go do something more fun for them - like the park or get french fries or a hike.

 

 

We don't do allowance at all.  We prefer money management when they are much older.  As to money they receive for gifts, we apply it to a present they already want, regardless of how much the item is.

 

[momto10blessings]

I just don't buy them things. I say no when they ask. I tell them I won't buy them anything when they ask and if they want something they can spend their own $ knit. We don't do allowances, they work for their money doing extra jobs around the house or for grandparents or neighbors and get some money for their birthdays.

They know not to ask because I always say no, but sometimes I'll surprise them and say I'm buying them a soda or candy or doughnuts or whatever.

[amy g.]

My answer is simple.

 

If my child whines, there is an immediate consequence.

 

If my child says,"I never get anything." She would lose something she already has.

 

If my child really wants something, and discusses it appropriately, we will brainstorm ways to get it.

 

We do not allow advertising in out home.

 

No shows with commercials.

 

No magazines with ads.

 

No radio with commercials.

 

I always say that spoiled isn't what they have, it is how they act, and I will not tolerate a kid acting spoiled, not even for one minute.

 

I owe it to my children to make sure they are enjoyable to be around. Everybody wins.

[Mango]

It's the age. Truly this seems to happen when they're in that 10-13 age. 

 

You're smart to deal with it. It makes for happier 14-18 yr olds. One of ours is finally in that age range.

 

It's like they have to get the correct definition of "fair" and "disappointment." 

 

 

[Ravin]

Several things I've done over the years...

Told asking children to put the desired item on their gift list for either birthday or Christmas depending on the time of year.

Immediately walked out of store when whining is unacceptable. Refused to take whiny child to stores for several weeks following speedy exit.

When grocery shopping with children, each is allowed to select a special snack if they are well behaved.

Simply said no, over and over again.

Distracted with games and silly talk.

Acknowledged the desired item and inject reality...I certainly understand why you want xyz. It seems really cool. Put it on your list.When you have enough money we can talk about buying it.

My DD started getting out of hand with all the things she was asking for for her birthday. It finally got to the point where I had her write down the list, look up the prices of those items online, and add up the total. It came to several thousand dollars, and she understood we don't have that kind of money available to spend on her birthday, so she chilled out. For a bit at least.

[mommymilkies]

I briskly empathise and move on.

 

"Yeah, it's annoying when you can't have all the cool stuff you want. Maybe you can put it on your birthday list."

 

And then I ignore.

 

Sometimes ds just want to express that it IS annoying when all your friends have a Wii U and I said 'We can't afford that.' That's OK. We're all human, we all get disappointed at the limits life sets on us.

 

I just try not to turn it into a thing, kwim, by adding lectures or making it into a big discussion or shaming the kids for having a feeling.

This is pretty much exactly what I do.  I almost never buy my kids gifts outside of holidays/birthdays.  I'd say once a year or less do I buy something for them spontaneously and that's NEVER after whining.  What I do is instead allow them to work for stuff.  *IF* I have the extra money (which isn't often), I will agree to buy something if they can nicely ask for it, sell me on it, and agree to work it off.  They get it AFTER they work for it. I give them odd jobs-raking, cat litter boxes, gardening, things like that.  I would say we do this maybe twice a year, though.  It's certainly not frequently, though.  

 

I also don't give an allowance.  My kids get money from family on holidays and birthdays.  I can't afford an allowance-we tried that and all they bought for two years was candy while I had trouble buying us adequate groceries.  Instead, if they want something, they can save up the largish sums of money they get as gifts or work for things once or twice a year.