My mother-in-law says that I shouldn't consider having another baby given that there will be a 9 year age gap....

[Lanny]

Deleted: Double post. Sorry...

[Harriet Vane]

Your mil really has no way at all to predict the future.

 

Age gap is not the only variable in this equation. There is also personality and temperament of each member of the family as well as life circumstances and other factors. Human relationships are complex, and there is no way to predict what will happen.

 

Some siblings get along, and some don't. Chances are really good that if you love each other and try hard (just like now, but with another little person in the mix), everything will be fine and you will continue to be a happy family.

[mommymilkies]

My closest brother is 8 years younger than me.  It really wasn't an issue.  Yes, there's an age gap, but it honestly isn't an issue!

[Catwoman]

I'm sure your MIL was trying to be helpful, based on her own experiences, but no two families and no two kids are exactly alike, so there is no way to predict future relationships.

 

If you want another baby, have another baby. If you have doubts about it, wait until you're sure.

 

Welcome to the forum, Leah -- I hope we will be seeing a lot more of you here! :)

[BlueTaelon]

Mine have a 6 yr gap and its not pretty. Personally I think its either have them really close together to really far apart like 10 years so there isn't so much competition for moms time leading to jealously. Of course you also have to take the childs personality into account, dd13 did not respond well to the arrival of her sister, 7 years later she still doesn't like her:(

[Danestress]

Ha.  My MIL told me I probably shouldn't have a forth child because it might be a girl.  The horror! 

 

My boys have a ten year age difference.  My oldest was an only child for ten years, and having two babies really caused a life style change for him, and of course parts of that were hard.  But overall,  I think it has been great.  He is a fabulous older brother.  They have a  different relationship than they would have if they had been born close together,  but it's not a worse (or better) one - just different.  He is close to them, and I think when they grow up, he's the kind of brother who will stay in good touch and be a good support, and I hope that they will be a source of joy and friendship to him as they age.  I can't see any reason why that wouldn't happen.

 

Sometimes the worst people to discuss these things with are the one's whose opinions impact us the most.  So it probably bothers you that your MIL feels this way, but really, people have all kinds of opinions.  Find people who think its a great idea and just to talk to them:)

 

[T'smom]

I don't really agree with that. Me and my sister might get along great, but me and my little brothers who are 9 years younger used to fight like crazy. They were annoying little pests in my mind and drove me crazy, that being said, I love them like crazy and now that we are all adults, we get along pretty good. Part of the problem with them is that I had too much responsibility with helping with them and I think it put too much strain on my immature self. My oldest two are 14months apart and they are best friends. I could count on my hand the number of fights they have had.

 

Really good relationships, regardless of age, are half the parents and half the individual personalities of the kids. The years difference will change whether the relationship is a buddy thing or and I'm looking out for you sort of thing, but a healthy relationship can be formed regardless of age difference.

That's true. I didn't mean to imply that sibs close in age couldn't/wouldn't get along. In fact, after I wrote that I thought about the fact that dh is a triplet and they rarely fought as kids. (And I guess when they did fight, it was over video games that could only have 2 people playing at a time.)

 

I do still think there is more of a tendency for kids close in age to fight more than those 7+ years apart.

[Meadowlark]

I think personalities, rather than age, factor into how siblings get along. My 2 brothers and myself were all born within 3 years. Everyone assumed we would be the best of friends, but in fact, the opposite happened. We are all so different. There's no way to know so do not let that factor into your decision. If there's even a part of you that wants another, then go for it!

[aggieamy]

Mine are exactly nine years apart.  I should have checked with your MIL first.  Darn.  Wonder which one I should get rid of ...

[KungFuPanda]

I think it's adorable that MIL believes she has input :-)

 

My neighbor has 5 children. The oldest is 18 and the youngest is 3. They have the most beautiful relationship. They adore one another. I think sibling who are closest in age fight much more because of the togetherness of being in the same age group. My DH is the oldest of four. As an adult he gets on best with the youngest. They just have the most similar personalities.

 

The question for you is, do you WANT another child now, or are you just clinging to that original picture of what your family "should" look like?

[AK_Mom4]

I have to agree - with an attitude like that, your MIL definitely shouldn't have more children.

 

 

Oh wait - she wasn't talking about herself? Feel free to ignore her. I recommend to never take family planning advice from anyone who isn't actually involved in the process.

[Ellie]

I think it's adorable that MIL believes she has input :-)

 

 

 

:laugh:

[Captivated]

Ds#1 is 11years older than ds#2 and 13 years older than dd.  He is an incredible big brother, he was such a help to me when they were younger and they adore him.  He is the light of their lives.   :) Homeschooling helped them to be close since they were around each other all the time. Yes, there will be challenges having toddlers and teens at the same time, and starting all over with homeschooling,  but the rewards have far outweighed the deficits.  Oldest ds always wanted siblings, and he is really grateful to have them.  At 24 year of age,  he and his wife are their guardians if something ever happens to dh and me.

 

My parents and inlaws thought it wouldn't work either.  I had friends tell me it wouldn't work because of the age difference.  It has been lovely to prove them all wrong. :)

[catz]

Oh jeez - this is none of MIL's business and I'm just having the kind of week that would make me want to punch her. My thought on child spacing is if it works well for the parents, it can and probably work well for the kids. My brother and I were 18 months apart and only got a long a couple times during our upbringing. I think my parents were stressed and overwhelmed by having 2 young kids that close in age (while struggling financially and starting a new business).

 

I do agree with the thought that I wouldn't want to force a sense of responsibility for the younger on the older. My kids are almost 4 years apart, and my behavioral expectations when they are together are the same. And yes, that was silly sometimes when my daughter was under the age of one. But I'd take the time to say "Baby N, don't take Big Boy's toys without asking". I feel by doing that, I set a precedent for my dd young that she wasn't going to get away with being the "baby". My brother and I were so close, but my parents still leaned in on me to be the big kid and make all sorts of concessions and compromises for him. And I think that made our relationship more tense.

[LibraryLover]

I have a bigger gap than that, and those two get along incredibly well. It melts my heart to see them together. It was like that from Day 1.  I am about that much older than my baby sister. We are best friends.

[FaithManor]

I am thirteen years older than my sister. My brother is five years older than me. We are close, very close. While it was a bit strange when mom and dad first made that announcement, particularly for me in junior high since I had no younger siblings and had blissfully blocked out the fact that my parents probably participated in procreative activities :D , everything was fine.

 

Age gaps or the lack of them is not what makes or breaks relationships.

 

To this day, I adore my sister and we love spending time together, If anything, we are sad a good bit because we live about 500 miles apart and so seeing each other is sporadic. Correction, she used to be 500 miles away, at present, she is in France so we have an entire ocean between us. UGH!

[NASDAQ]

My kids all quarrel the most with their closest age mate(s). The more distant ones adore each other.

[Lisbeth]

I agree that it is odd that your MIL voiced an opinion on this. How rude!

[Amy in NH]

Ignore her and don't tell her your plans.

[IsabelC]

My first response was 'your MIL should consider keeping her nose out of your business, and your husband is the only person you need to consult when making your childbearing decisions', but maybe she is just trying to be helpful. 

 

I don't have an age gap that wide between kids, but from what I have seen with other families, there are about a million factors that play into how well a family functions, and the issue of age gap is a long, long way down the list. Plenty of people have tried to find out the 'best' number of children to have, the best age to have them and the best size gap between kids. All they find is that there are advantages and disadvantages to every scenario. 

 

Anyway, it isn't very constructive or sensitive for your MIL to sell the advantages of having kids 18 months apart when that isn't a possibility for you. Your choices are either stop with one child, actively 'try' to conceive another (with the 9 year gap), or 'see if it happens' (sometimes known as 'let God decide', also with the 9 year gap). I'd stop worrying about the gap and just think about whether you would like another child in the near future. If you decide yes, then you need to decide what extent you are prepared to go to in order to achieve this (ie, maybe you would welcome another child it if happens naturally, but would not choose to undergo IVF or other fertility treatment if it doesn't happen naturally).

[Leah_S]

Wow!   Didn't know my post would yield such a big response!  I can't wait to read/digest all your thoughts.  I appreciate this!   Thank you!

[Tap]

I can't say what is right or wrong for anyone or any family but I wholeheartedly regret starting over when my older kids were 12 and 8.  We unexpectedly took in my niece, so while it wasn't on purpose, we could have said no.  Her special needs make her take the energy of multiple children, but that is just the chance we all take every time a child is born. 

 

Resetting our lives and the differences in age have a bigger impact each year that passes. I have yet to find a positive change that starting over caused.  

 

 

 

 

ETA: I am 6-12 years younger than the 4 siblings I was raised with.   I have never been close to any of them.  We have always been in different stages of life and have nothing/very little in common.  I haven't talked to any of them in years.  :0(     2 siblings are  1 year apart, the other two are 1.5years apart.  They are very close to their similar aged siblings and are still fairly close to the other pair.   I am just the odd man out by being so much younger, and with each having a BFF sibling already.

[Truscifi]

I have a ds10 and ds1. Ds1 was a "bonus baby", so not planned. Ds10 loves him. He is very helpful. Sometimes to the point that he tries to parent the baby himself, but if that's our biggest problem I think we're okay.

 

Also, your MIL seems to be projecting, and about something that isn't any of her business.

[KrissiK]

my kids are all quite close in age and they quarrel constantly. They drive me crazy. I wish there was a bigger age gap between them. All that to say, nothing is ideal. In some ways, children close in age is great. In other ways, not so much. There are a lot of factors that determine sibling harmony besides age.

[HS Mom in NC]

1.  NEVER NEVER NEVER make decisions for your family based on your mother in law. EVER. Your family expansion is none of her business and as it's none of her business, don't initiate conversations about it with her.

 

2.  My older brothers are older than my biological brother and I.  We were raised together from the time by biological brother and I were 3 and 4 and they were 11 and 12.

 

3. My older two bio kids are 7 and 9 years older than our youngest, adopted child.

 

4. I know lots of people with large age gaps between kids.

 

Various combinations of the above get along and don't get along.  It has FAR more to do with personality and nothing to do with age differences as there is no consistent pattern between them.

[PeterPan]

My kids are 9 1/2 years apart and they LOVE each other, not to mention the fact that we LOVE having our 2nd!  

 

Tell your mother where to shove her opinion.  She's being in an intrusive idiot into something that is NONE, absolutely none of her business.

 

Sorry.  Say that more respectfully obviously.  ;)

[Mom in High Heels]

There is an almost a 9 year gap between Indy and Han Solo (with none between), and I was worried at first, but it has been great.  I was worried about Indy being jealous, because he had all of our attention for a long time, but he never has.  Indy loves being a big brother, and despite the age gap, they are very close.  They play together all the time, and Indy helps out a lot with Han Solo.  When Indy goes on a sleepover or camping with the scouts, Han Solo wants to know where he is, and when he'll be back.  "Mommy, where my [indy]?"  When I tell him, he'll say "He back soon?  I miss my [indy] Mommy."  Han Solo is always hugging Indy and telling him he loves him.  It's terribly sweet.  We never planned to have another child, but honestly, I don't think I could have dealt with two close together.  The large age gap has worked out great for us.

 

Tell your MIL to mind her own business.

[Lizzie in Ma]

9 year gap between dh and his sister, they couldn't have been any closer.  My .02?  None of her business in any way whatsoever.

[MomtoCandJ]

I get along better with my brother who is 5 years younger than me. There is a brother between us and we still gang up on him if needed (yeah the whole middle child thing). I think that's why I subconsciously spaced my girls 5 years, said middle brother's children are not even a year apart (twins born 2 weeks shy of older's first birthday). Those three bicker about EVERYTHING!!!! The oldest is a 6 yr old girl and 5 yr old boy/girl twins.

[KungFuPanda]

I was a bit flippant in my earlier response. I can actually think of a situation where MIL's opinion might matter. If she is very frequently your go-to babysitter or child care provider, what she could really be saying is that SHE'S not up to that level of involvement. I wouldn't let it effect my family size, but I would make sure that I don't just assume she'll be as physically involved as she was with the first child. I imagine there's an energy difference between being 60 and being 70 and I'd be careful to respect that and not get offended that she physically has less to offer as she ages.

[ladydusk]

My husband came home from a meeting last night where he talked with a work acquaintance who has a 31 year old and a 5 year old.  They realized it was real when their grandchild called him "Uncle Baby" 

 

I say go for it! If they can start over after 26 years, 8 is nothin'!

[aggie96]

My siblings are 2 years younger, 18 years younger, and 20 years younger than me.  I get along waaaaay better with my baby siblings than I do with my closest sibling.  :)  We are very, very close.   :thumbup:

[Hikin' Mama]

I haven't read any of the other replies, but this is between you and your husband. Your MIL should keep her opinions to herself. In fact, I think your dh should tell her just that. So there's my unsolicited opinion. :)

[AnneBlessedx4]

My kids are 20, 17, 13 and 5.  They are very close.  The 17 and the 5 yr old esp (opposite genders).  Well, the 17 yr old is close to all of them.  It must be at least partly his personality.

[Leah_S]

OP here....

I finally got to read all of your replies.   

 

My MIL honestly feels that the gap would be stressful for us.  I asked her if she knew of a family where her description was indeed the dynamic and she said she didn't but "it goes without saying" (lol!).      I wouldn't let her opinion sway me (and thankfully my husband knows how to handle her intrusiveness and put appropriate boundaries up for us and thus I don't have to fight our battles with her THANK GOD); but her comment did prompt my curiosity to see if others who have such a gap would concur or disagree her and why.

 

Touching on what one of you (KungFuPanda) brought up...she doesn't babysit or provide any childcare (maybe four hours per year) so I don't think her comments were based on conveying her own childcare limitations.

 

My husband and I had a "date night" last night and talked it out.    He said, and I agree, that we may "jinx" ourselves if we make it (our trying to conceive) an "official" pursuit (making it stressful and changing my hormones, etc.).    We've decided to contracept (for the first time ever) for just 3 months to boost up both of our folic acid levels (by eating lots of leafy greens) since I am technically advanced maternal age.     Then after I've boosted it up we're going to quit the condoms and just see what the LORD does in this area!

 

I KNOW my son would LOVE a little person in the house.   He's make a fabulous big brother.    He's very loving and kind-hearted and social.

 

AGAIN, my SINCERE thanks to you all for this encouragement and sharing of such great experiences of loving sibling relationships with just such a spacing!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[gardenmom5]

definitely personality.  2dd get's along fabulously with everyone.  I've joked 2dd and 1ds are my "twins" born at different times because they are so alike in some ways (even look the same).  but 1dd and 1ds have now become very close.  everyone has fun with dudeling.  they all stopped rolling their eyes (and now rarely correct) when people mistake him for their own child . . . . .

 

My kids are 20, 17, 13 and 5.  They are very close.  The 17 and the 5 yr old esp (opposite genders).  Well, the 17 yr old is close to all of them.  It must be at least partly his personality.

 

[OH_Homeschooler]

I agree with Amira, siblings are going to have their fights and issues no matter how far apart they are. I think one big benefit of such a large age gap is there's less likely to be sibling rivalry. 

 

My own mom said I shouldn't have any more children after my first two because our family was the "perfect size." (BTW, I was her third of three children so that made me feel great). She has since completely embraced my third and fourth children. She might not even remember saying that to me...I can't imagine how she'd react if I reminded her.  

[ktgrok]

There is a 10 year gap between my first two, and they adore each other. Bicker sometimes, but all siblings do that, I imagine. My husband and his brother are 10 years apart and are fairly close as well. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

My MIL honestly feels that the gap would be stressful for us. 

And there is the problem.  She should keep her opinions to herself.  But really, your comments show that you know that and that you and your husband have your heads on straight!  

[Mommee & Baba]

It's the upbringing, parenting, family structure...ect that sets the tone for the house. Not the age gaps, IMO.

 

I'm almost 32, dh is almost 43 and we're welcoming our 4th baby any day now. The age gap for baby and my oldest will be ALMOST 11 years! We are all thrilled! She's so excited to be able to really help out and enjoy being a big sister! My middle child is almost 9 and my son is 5! Dh & I are so much more relaxed this time around knowing that our kids are nicely spaced from the baby. They are able to entertain themselves when needed, have a firm understanding of our family dynamics, structure, & understand the flow of our school days. This will all have a play in incorporating the new little bundle! I'll only be adjusting myself with lack of sleep (which I will be lying down during quiet just like my kids instead of internet surfing or doing house chores) and baby into the routine...the other 3 kids already know the flow of things and can easily adjust beings they have stability already. When I brought my 3rd child home it was so difficult because my girls were only 4 & 5.5 yrs old. They still required a lot of my guidance and the baby too. My first 2 are 22 months apart and that was extremely difficult in the early years! Now that they are nearly 9 & 11 they are the best of friends! I wouldn't change it for the world. Having a 4th child though made me really debate on how soon after my son was born. I found a happy medium with knowing I wanted my 3rd & 4th child to be at least 4 years apart. They'll be 5 years apart! Couldn't have worked out any better for our family!

[amazzie]

My ten yo son loves, adores and coddles his two year old sister, born when he was eight. I think it's a great spacing, but yes, the whole baby thing is a bit of a shock after so long! Totally worth it, though.

[Mommyof4ks]

We have an 8 yr gap between my 3rd and 4th, and right now at the baby stage the baby does get on his nerves, but my 2nd and 3rd are 18 months apart and they get on one another's nerves too lol. I think it is more personality than age gap. My 14yr old loves the baby, and she is super excited that he is getting mobile and fun to play with.

[Pod's mum]

Welcome to the board.

Another here with a (nearly) 9 year gap.

And similar large gaps between some siblings.

Funnily enough this dd was the more mature from when she was 2 and her sister 11.

Eldest adored being a big sister.

Youngest wants more. (Sorry dear, that boat has sailed.)

[Katy]

I can't recall where but I read somewhere that a 4 year age gap is optimum for brain development and the reason for that is that age range there are no clear boundaries - at some times the oldest is expected to be a caregiver, and at other times a sibling, and that leads to the most incidences of sibling rivalry issues which also leads to both children being smarter and having more social skills.

 

Apparently either a higher age gap or a lower age gap leads to siblings getting along much better - less and they are likely to have the same rules; more and the eldest is more likely to be a caregiver role. 

 

Your mother in law is wrong.   If you want another baby, go for it.

[Heather in Neverland]

I say this to your MIL with all due respect...

 

Poppycock

 

My oldest is nearly 16. My youngest is 4. They are VERY close. She lights up his world and he absolutely spoils her rotten.

 

Our friends have a son who is 11 and they just adopted an infant. That baby is the light of his life.

 

 

You have that baby and watch your older child's world change forever...for the better.

[Mango]

All sorts of snarky comments I could write for you to say to your MIL. 

 

Children are a blessing, period.

 

We are an adoptive family so my blessings arrive differently. But I can tell you our last, unexpected, daughter has been the hugest  blessing in our family. I cried the weekend she was born and we were told that we'd been given first right of refusal. I already had 4 children and it was so hard already! A medically fragile preemie was just about enough to put me in crazy land. DH and I went to see her at the hospital -- it was love.

 

She's a perfect 6 year old. :)) I am still smitten. All of us are.

 

Your life isn't your MIL's.  It's OK that she feels uncomfortable with some of your choices in life. There are a ton of other decisions that would be worse. Maybe remind her of those! 

 

Alternatively, smile and say something like how hard it is to refuse her son when he gets that particular twinkle in his eye. Like the last time he chased you around the car in the garage/backyard/kitchen because you wore his favorite red dress/nightie/lingerie ...... Get all dreamy eyed and put your hand on your chest and sigh. Then pat your tummy and say, "It's so worth it!" :)) 

[ScoutTN]

None of your MIL's business!

 

If it were me I would go for it.  ;)  :D