Educate me a bit on girls and dating!

[PeterPan]

I'm thinking maybe I'm a little out of touch with how most people view these issues.  Feel free to add caveats about why you do what you do, how it worked out or backfired, whether you think the approach was emotionally healthy, etc..  :D

[Ellie]

My middle ground would be having the young man at least meet the parents, without requiring him to ask permission to court the young woman. 

 

I am not opposed to dating, but I would not advise a young woman to date lots and lots of young men. And I think it's better to get to know someone through work, or at church, or through doing some sort of meaningful activity together rather than depend on the dating atmosphere, KWIM? And truly, no one should date someone she wouldn't want to marry, because everyone is a potential spouse.

[MeghanL]

I think the purpose of dating is to find out what works and what doesn't in relationships, and what you value in yourself and in a companion. So, while I'm not of the "date as many guys as you can" camp, I'm also not in the "don't go to dinner until you have a promise ring" camp either. 

[PeterPan]

My middle ground would be having the young man at least meet the parents, without requiring him to ask permission to court the young woman. 

 

I am not opposed to dating, but I would not advise a young woman to date lots and lots of young men. And I think it's better to get to know someone through work, or at church, or through doing some sort of meaningful activity together rather than depend on the dating atmosphere, KWIM? And truly, no one should date someone she wouldn't want to marry, because everyone is a potential spouse.

This is interesting and seems very balanced.  So you're saying you would have them do some sort of task/community service/project together rather than having them simply date?  

[SemiSweet]

I have no intention of pushing my dd toward marriage, I want her to experience people of all sorts before she settles down (hopefully mid to late 20s).  I made the mistake in getting too involved and marrying young, and that didn't work out.  My sister did the same and now she's going through some crazy mid-life crisis where I think she wants to have her early 20s back, although she's still married and hopefully will stay married, I love my bil.  I think in the times we live in, women are not dependent on men for everything, there is absolutely no reason that she should even be thinking about marriage in her teens, much less dating for that goal.  Not to say that no one should get married young, but it's definitely not what I want for my daughter.  I do agree with Ellie on getting to know people through some specific avenue (work, sports, recreation, etc) before dating them.

[PeterPan]

I think the purpose of dating is to find out what works and what doesn't in relationships, and what you value in yourself and in a companion. So, while I'm not of the "date as many guys as you can" camp, I'm also not in the "don't go to dinner until you have a promise ring" camp either. 

What do you mean by what works and doesn't work and what you value?  Wouldn't you know those things from your experience in your family dynamic, watching your parents, and from your own introspection?  I've heard of people being instructed to make LISTS of what they want in a spouse, what they value, blah blah.  I never did.  Are you encouraging this sort of thought process?

[Tap]

It depends on how you define 'date'.  DD and her boyfriend hang out, but don't usually go anywhere alone.  I consider a 'date' to be two people, going alone or maybe with another romantic couple, to a location unsupervised. 

 

DD15 has had a boyfriend since she was 14.  They hang out at our house or his most of the time and are supervised at both locations.  They go to the mall and I will walk the opposite way, so they are unchaperoned but I still see them periodically. They go to the movies with friends quite a bit, but every once in a while they go alone to the theater in the mall, if I can't chaperon and their friends are not available.  I guess that is kind of a 'date' in my definition, but it doesn't really seem like it because I am usually in the mall walking around with dd7 waiting for them.  

 

 

I do not make arbitrary rules so we don't have a 'can't date until 16' rule in our house.  So far, things are fine with dd and her boyfriend.  There have been some pretty rough spots, but dd wants to stick it out and is working with him on those areas.  It is hard to see her deal with the emotional roller coaster of dating at her age, but she is handling it pretty good and we talk often.  

 

 

[MeghanL]

What do you mean by what works and doesn't work and what you value?

 

Dating a few hotties that turn out to be cads quickly turns a girls eye from the superficial to the substantial. Without those experiences, I think it's easy for young women to get caught up in being in love with love and not the actual person who is their crush, love interest or whatever you want to call them. Even dating upstanding young men who started out all roses and romance quickly faded. Having those fading experiences helps to look for longevity and what qualities mesh with your qualities to stand the test of time, you know?

 

 Wouldn't you know those things from your experience in your family dynamic, watching your parents, and from your own introspection?  

I don't think that's necessarily true. All that gives you is the ideal or the horror story (depending on the model). One of the best things I went through before marriage was both being dumped and being the dumpee. I'm not perfect and neither will my spouse be. That's an important thing to learn. Depending on the dynamic of the family life, some parents purposefully keep the hard or negative aspects of relationships from their kids. So, they have to learn how to balance their ideal with the reality. I think it's also important to realize what the non-negotiable qualities are. Someone may be a perfectly lovely person but never wants to spend time with family. That's going to be a problem for a person who grew up with a family focus. On paper, they may value family but not in the same way. The only way to find those things out is by spending actual time together in a variety of different settings. 

 

I've heard of people being instructed to make LISTS of what they want in a spouse, what they value, blah blah.  I never did.  Are you encouraging this sort of thought process?

No. I don't think a list is helpful at all. I think that just encourages a fantasy instead of reality. No one is going to live up to a list all the time. Neither will she. 

 

[Ellie]

This is interesting and seems very balanced.  So you're saying you would have them do some sort of task/community service/project together rather than having them simply date?  

 

I'm thinking more along the lines of participating in something as part of life because that's the right thing for us to do (which could be teaching Sunday school or driving the church bus, or helping at the soup kitchen, or being a summer camp counselor, or whatever), and oh, by the way, there's this nice young man who is also interested in whatever it is, who also happens to be doing the activity, and getting to know each other in real life, as opposed to requiring them to do something together as a condition of getting to know each other.

[Karen in CO]

So I skipped the pole and decided my girls will NEVER date.  :D  

 

However, I think it is a healthy part of growing up.  I'm just not ready yet.  My ds never dated while he lived at home.  We talked about it, but it never happened.  He is one of those sweet, private people with a few very close friends.  He did find a girlfriend at college.  They had classes together and found common interests.  They are still together 4 years later.  He wants to marry her, but she isn't ready.    

 

I will have to wait until one of my girls asks me about it, then I'll make it up as I go along.  I know certainly that it isn't happening anytime soon.

[goldberry]

I would have picked dating a prelude to marraige, but not the second part.  Emotional intimacy is sacred?  I don't attach any "sacredness" to getting to know someone in to see if they might be a suitable mate.

 

I believe that dating for recreation without intent to find a partner can be hurtful (one person getting more serious and then being hurt when the other person has no intentions).  Also, as a person who does not consider sex outside the marraige arrangement to be acceptable, dating for recreation puts young and hormone-enraged people in situations that are supposed to lead....what?  to nowhere?  I just don't see that as a good thing.

 

Oh - just to share what I think was great - DD went to her doctor (just a regular health center doc) - and when we talked about things, I mentioned that although I was encouraging waiting that we were also discussing protection if she made the choice to have sex.  The doctor was absolutely positive, and then shared with DD that she had waited until marraige herself, so not to think that there was no one else out there doing that, that really there were lots of people out there who decided to wait, even though the media didn't give that impression.  I was really happy she was willing to share that personal information with DD. 

[PeterPan]

I would have picked dating a prelude to marraige, but not the second part.  Emotional intimacy is sacred?  I don't attach any "sacredness" to getting to know someone in to see if they might be a suitable mate.

 

I believe that dating for recreation without intent to find a partner can be hurtful (one person getting more serious and then being hurt when the other person has no intentions).  Also, as a person who does not consider sex outside the marraige arrangement to be acceptable, dating for recreation puts young and hormone-enraged people in situations that are supposed to lead....what?  to nowhere?  I just don't see that as a good thing.

 

Oh - just to share what I think was great - DD went to her doctor (just a regular health center doc) - and when we talked about things, I mentioned that although I was encouraging waiting that we were also discussing protection if she made the choice to have sex.  The doctor was absolutely positive, and then shared with DD that she had waited until marraige herself, so not to think that there was no one else out there doing that, that really there were lots of people out there who decided to wait, even though the media didn't give that impression.  I was really happy she was willing to share that personal information with DD. 

I've wondered how people are handling that.  The whole Sarah Palin thing, with the kid saying you only taught me abstinence, so I got pregnant, made me wonder.  I think there's definitely some educating that needs to be done.  I just wasn't sure how far it should go.  

[Dory]

I picked dating as a prelude to marriage, but using the word sacred for emotional intimacy seemed a bit off to me. I am teaching my kids that dating is something a person does when they are ready to think of marriage. They date to get to know people of the opposite gender in order to see if they are a suitable mate for them. The first one, or two, or three people they date might not be the one they want to spend their life with.

 

I do not encourage dating for the fun of dating and because of that I do not encourage dating in young teenagers. Once the kid is 16 I won't forbid it as that would backfire on me and they are old enough to let make those decisions on their own, but I won't encourage it either.

 

I also teach abstinence is the best policy, but I'm will prepare them to make wise choices and protect themselves if they do not practice abstinence. I might have a route that I see as healthiest and best, but I want them protected even if they don't follow the route I would've picked for them.

[myfunnybunch]

Our middle ground is that you date one person at a time, and you date because you want to get to know them better. At 16, it's not really about finding marriage material, but it's not really about getting to know guys either. It's a way for the young people to explore relationships and spend time with a person that they believe is special. I hope that makes sense. We allowed dating at age 16, but it was pretty limited. They could hang out at our house, hang out at his house, go to the mall for a movie, go for coffee after school. The young man wasn't just pulling up in the driveway and honking then taking off with our daughter. :D We encouraged good choices and had been talking about dating and relationships and safety in age-appropriate ways starting around ages 10-12.

 

Cat

[goldberry]

I've wondered how people are handling that.  The whole Sarah Palin thing, with the kid saying you only taught me abstinence, so I got pregnant, made me wonder.  I think there's definitely some educating that needs to be done.  I just wasn't sure how far it should go.  

 

 

Well, I sure don't like the possibility that girls who are taught abstinence only are more likely NOT to use protection if they actually decide to do it.

 

I am teaching DD all the reasons I believe it is better to wait until marraige. I tell her that although I don't think that having sex before before marraige is the right choice, that if she does make that choice, then here is why she needs to not compromise about protection.

 

We are not acting under the assumption that she will just do what I tell her and so I don't need to worry about the other options.  I don't think that is reasonable.   

[TracyP]

I couldn't vote for the first because I don't think you should stick to one man. I couldn't vote number two because I don't actually think dating is a great way to learn about men. Plus, I don't know that I would say date "all you can" - it sounds as if its a challenge. :) "Feel free to date all you want" better expresses my opinion. I can't agree to number three. I think it is great to date with an eye toward marriage, but I don't see it as the only reason to date. I can't even fathom number four with the courting scenario.

 

I don't know about age. I hope it is a long time before she expresses an interest. If she is under 16, the date would have to be supervised.

[Carrie12345]

Mine are still young and I try not to cross bridges until we get there. I'm a fan of dating. I hope my daughters (and sons) will enjoy a period of trial and error with no dire consequences and great respect for themselves and others. Eventually, I hope they all fall madly and deeply in love with someone who can reciprocate completely. I think that path is different for everyone.

 

I can't see condoning any type of relationship before 15 or 16, and would prefer it to be later than that.

[kewb]

I have told both my kids that the point of dating is to meet the person you are going to marry.  However, one should date different types of people because it is as just as important to find out what you do not like in a potential partner for life as it is what you like. I have also told them that they have plenty of time for dating and their focus at this point should be on their studies.

 

Any young person coming to my home to pick up my child must meet the parents (or at least one of us) prior to departing on first date.

To my son: Always go to the door and greet parents when picking up date.  Escort date to the car and open door for them.  Do not honk from the curb. That is disrespectful to date, parents, and neighbors.

To my daughter: You do not run from the house when summoned by a horn.  You are not a dog.

 

I think some dating during high school is okay.  Group outings 14/15 individual dating 15/16. 

 

However, my oldest had a summer fling when he was 13 and again at 14.  They would meet at the pool.  Walk to Dunkin Donuts for a snack.  That was about as serious as it got.  Last year he had what I would call his first serious girlfriend.  It lasted a few months.  They would talk all the time, facetime, etc.  She came over our house a couple of times and he went there a couple of times.  But alas, summer came.  She went away to camp and then family vacations.  When she returned things were not the same.  She was always too busy to get together.  My darling boy felt neglected.  He broke up with her.  Very tragic.

[Camelfeet]

If we are talking only the teen years, I'd like her to date but not be too serious about anyone.  I'd rather she not be sexually active before she's 17/18. I think public place dating (dinners, cinemas, etc) will be allowed by 14/15.  I don't want her to date with a specific eye towards marriage - in fact I hope she doesn't think much of marriage before she's in university.  Of course these are all just ideals... who knows what I'll face in the next few years....  

[itsheresomewhere]

One thing to discuss with your DD no matter how she chooses to date is to always have some hidden cash in her purse.  You never know if you may need it.  

 

DD is too young for me to think about her dating. 

[DawnM]

I don't really believe in "dating" as in, meet across the room, have an attraction, and go out alone.

 

I fully intend to encourage my boys to hang out in groups of people.  If they are attracted to someone, watch them in a group setting, find out what their reputation is, how they interact with others, who they are as people.  Make a friendship, keep spending time together in a group for a while.  If you still want to purse "dating" then ask her out or let it happen naturally.  
 

The above is how I dated and how my DH dated.  He and I were very good friends, in a group of Christian singles, doing fun stuff, getting to know one another, long before we decided to officially date.

 

Dawn

[OneStepAtATime]

I went on my first date at 14.  I was not mature enough and neither was he.  We felt so awkward and our parents had us all dressed up like dolls, paraded us around to the restaurant, the dance, etc.  I was miserable.  My second date (and 1st real boyfriend, I guess) was when I was 15.  I dragged my younger brother to everything I did with this guy because I was so uncomfortable.  My parents never really talked with me about how to interact with boys that weren't just buddies.  Poor guy was tolerant but he finally said enough is enough and we stopped dating (boy was my brother relieved :) ).  My third boyfriend was a great person but he had a very domineering father who forced him into private military school because he wanted one of his sons to go into the military like he had and his youngest was his last hope.  The third boyfriend ended up on drugs, sexually promiscuous and really bitter.  He got kicked out (which was his intention) and when he came back he was a very broken human being.  I was not prepared emotionally to deal with it and did not know how to discuss my fears and concerns with my parents.  Honestly, I would have been better off just hanging out with all my buddies and not dating until I was older.

 

As for my own kids, I voted 16 but honestly that is an arbitrary number.  Depends on the maturity and comfort level of the child.  I would insist on meeting him or her first, hopefully getting to know the family they come from at least a little, and would encourage them to hang out at our house until I got to know the boyfriend/girlfriend better.  I would not have them date only from the perspective of finding a spouse, but I also think they need to look deep inside themselves and ask, "What kind of person do I want to spend significant time with and have influence in my life?".  "Would this person be someone I would want to spend time with long-term?"  "Do I respect them?"  "Do they respect me?".

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

as a teen, get to know lots of guys.

 

Get more serious in college. only dating potential mates. Get to know people through a group of friends to see what they are really all about.

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

As for my own kids, I voted 16 but honestly that is an arbitrary number.  Depends on the maturity and comfort level of the child.  I would insist on meeting him or her first, hopefully getting to know the family they come from at least a little, and would encourage them to hang out at our house until I got to know the boyfriend/girlfriend better.  I would not have them date only from the perspective of finding a spouse, but I also think they need to look deep inside themselves and ask, "What kind of person do I want to spend significant time with and have influence in my life?".  "Would this person be someone I would want to spend time with long-term?"  "Do I respect them?"  "Do they respect me?".

 

this!

[regentrude]

I would prefer, and expect, my DD to meet young men at college, at work, in a shared group activity.

In my home culture, the concept of a "date" does not exist.

As for age limit: so far it has not come up. DD leaves for college in the fall, which means I will only get to meet the young men when things get very serious.

[lea_lpz]

My middle ground would be having the young man at least meet the parents, without requiring him to ask permission to court the young woman.

 

I am not opposed to dating, but I would not advise a young woman to date lots and lots of young men. And I think it's better to get to know someone through work, or at church, or through doing some sort of meaningful activity together rather than depend on the dating atmosphere, KWIM? And truly, no one should date someone she wouldn't want to marry, because everyone is a potential spouse.

I agree with this. I am not planning to push a courtship model but I would want my dd to be selective and date men we actually get to know as well as not get serious with a guy unless the relationship could potentially lead to marriage.

 

I think girls under 16 have no business dating.

[jillian]

I'm hoping that we will be involved enough to have her first experiences be with kids in family friends--i.e. we know their kid(s), and they know us and that will be the first experience. I don't know how to vote on the age thing. I started dating around 13/14 but I don't want our DD to experience the same dating experience I had. We will also encourage group dating first--several little boy/girl "couples" together to the movies, or a school/church dance, etc

 

I don't know if I am being idealistic, but dd is 6, and both dh and I both hit puberty very early (not precocious but at the very earliest of the normal range) and I fear she will too. I had C cups in jr high. I worry about this a lot.

[myfunnybunch]

I am teaching DD all the reasons I believe it is better to wait until marraige. I tell her that although I don't think that having sex before before marraige is the right choice, that if she does make that choice, then here is why she needs to not compromise about protection.

 

We are not acting under the assumption that she will just do what I tell her and so I don't need to worry about the other options.  I don't think that is reasonable.   

 

This exactly.

 

We started talking about dating and relationships and physical intimacy (including our own beliefs, and protection) when our dd's best friend's older sister got pregnant while . She is a wonderful mother, btw, and we did not want to treat her as some kind of object lesson, but we definitely wanted to make sure that our daughters were aware of all of the ramifications and issues involved in relationships and dating and intimacy.

 

Cat

[Mergath]

My dd is only five, so this is all highly hypothetical. ;)  I'd like her to wait until fifteen or sixteen to date, but that will depend on what she's like as a teen, too.  I'm not going to encourage her to stay faithfully with one guy for her teen years, or only date someone she plans to marry, or anything like that.  But I will teach her that it's healthiest to save sex for a strong and committed relationship.

 

I stayed with the same guy for way too long when I was a teen in what was a really unhealthy relationship, and I think I would have been much better off if I had more casually dated a few people instead.  But as I said, this is just hypothetical and a lot will depend on what dd is like as a teen.

[LMV]

Our oldest daughter met her first boyfriend (and his dad) while volunteering at a Habitat for Humanity worksite with her dad and older brothers.  She was twelve/thirteen when they first became friends.  We did let her attend several formal/semi formal dances with this young man (who is about eighteen months older than she is) when she was thirteen but she didn't really consider them dates.  Although he invited her it was much more of a friends scenario and neither of them had expectations beyond that he felt it would be more fun to go with someone than go alone .  Over time their friendship blossomed into a relationship that continues to this day.  We have gotten to know this young man quite well over the years because they were friends first and he was in our home a lot.  I don't know what the future holds for either of them and while I wouldn't be surprised if they ended up married some day I also wouldn't feel that any of this time/experience was a waste for her if they went there separate ways.  I suspect that even if they don't remain together romantically they will likely remain friends. 

 

I kind of wish our fourteen year old had, had a similar experience. Navigating the whole dating realm with her will definitely earn DH a whole new kind of parenting stripes. She really is a good kid but I feel she is still a bit behind her peers emotionally and she lacks the self assurance our oldest daughter has.  She did have a "date" for homecoming but beyond that we feel she still isn't really ready (and apparently she does too because she told one of her friends her parents wouldn't let her date yet---even though we hadn't actually had that conversation).

 

 

[Dmmetler]

I didn't date at any time I lived at home except for taking a band friend to my junior prom (he was a freshman-so it was definitely my taking him-my best friend and I piled on the poor guy when giving him a ride back from a parade practice until he agreed to go-because she wanted me there, and I couldn't go without a date-mostly, we hung out in a group of kids who happened to all be in band and/or academic competition team-we spent half the night doing Russian folk dancing that one of the guys had learned at governor's school the prior summer). I did, however, find a boyfriend within the first week of moving onto campus? It worked well the first time (We will have been married 20 years in May-we married almost exactly 6 years after we'd first met), but not so well the 2nd time-I got stuck with a predatory older guy in a relationship that I didn't know how to get out of. It was only the return of my now-husband to my life (not as a boyfriend, but as a friend) and seeing the difference between my current boyfriend and a nice guy, coupled by my ex getting kicked out of school that let me escape him.

 

Having had that experience, I'd like DD to do at least some dating when she's living at home so she has her parents there to provide input.

[MtnTeaching]

Dd15 told me just this last week, "I will probably be in college before I have my first date" and she said it wistfully.  Homeschooling, at least for us, is not very conducive to dating  :001_smile:.  She attends a ps enrichment day once a week, but the environment is more like the 1950's. All of the boys are her buddies (even if she thinks a couple of them are "cute and fun") and there is just no "dating" at the school.  It is not a rule, it just seems to be the way they like it. The whole atmosphere is completely foreign to this ps raised mom!  Dd does not enjoy our church's youth group and even I my ds17 finds the boys there to be very self-centered and cliquish, even though the kids have been members there since they were 3 years old. She plays volleyball, but they are all girls. Dating is not even something that seems available to her.

 

On one hand, I like that dd is not having to go through the dating scene that seems to be prevalent in our area.  She has very good friends in ps who are in constant angst over who likes who today and the drama surrounding it.  I have to say that I am relieved that she does not have to deal with that.  However, I do think there is a certain "learning curve" that comes with being exposed to the idiosyncrasies of dating before she steps out into the world and the freedom of college.

 

In my experience (a long time ago) dating is an incredible experiment in human actions and feelings.  It can bring out both the best and the worst in people. I did not marry until I was just a few months shy of 30 and in that time, I have to say I dated some incredible men who remain friends to this day.  I also dated some who turned out to be real dogs.  I know without a doubt that I would not have been able to make the mature decision that my dh was truly the one if I had not had those experiences.

 

Some advice I am going to pound into my dd15 while I have the chance:

Dating is not "recreation", but it can be a wonderful chance to learn as much about another person as you learn about yourself. 

 

Do NOT compromise yourself and all that you deserve out of your life due to hormones or the need to please someone else.  Respect the other person, but also respect yourself.

 

There are a lot of fish in the sea. A relationship, even a friendship, should not involve pain.  Times of soul-searching, forgiveness on both sides, foot-in-mouth syndrome, and misunderstandings - yes. Pain, either physical or emotional - no.

 

Do not waste your time on the wrong person.  I did that for several years, but would not acknowledge that both of us were wasting time, because it was a "safe" relationship. We finally moved on to marry people who were much more suited to be our life partners.

 

BE HONEST.  No games!  Be absolutely honest in everything you say and do in a dating relationship.  Realize that others are not always so honest.

 

There is plenty of time. Live life some before you settle down if possible. Finish college, try your hand in a chosen career, make wonderful friends, travel.  There are seasons in life and with a family comes great responsibility.

 

Set up a self-defense class with a Karate teacher she is very familiar with.  I am setting this up for all of the girls in her school, ages 13 on up.

 

Know that your mother and father will always be here.  We love to give advice, but we will NEVER judge you or your decisions. Pick up the phone anytime you feel alone, scared, or unsure.  We will be there asap.

 

[jillian]

One of the most important things I learned through my dating experience is that it is sooooooo important to know who you are. What your interests are. What you like. What is attractive to you. And be honest and genuine with whoever you date. Don't try to change and conform

[Jenny in Florida]

My answers probably aren't helpful, because I had to go with "middle ground" and "no opportunity."

 

I think the point of dating is to interact with and get to know potential partners and to try out what it means to be in relationships. I don't think every date must or should be intended to be a prelude to serious courtship, but I'm also not a fan of frantic, casual dating. And I also don't think a relationship must lead to marriage in order to be worthwhile.

 

My now-19-year-old daughter opted not to even attempt to date while she was in the early entrance college program, because she understood that any relationship formed there would have to end at graduation. And she had no interest in setting herself up for that. We also discouraged her from dating while she was there, because she was too far from home to make it possible for us to meet anyone or to keep any kind of eye on the situation. So, that meant she reached her 16th birthday without going on her first date, but it wasn't an intentional line in the sand, just a product of her circumstances.

 

Thus far, she has gone out with just a couple of people. One young man she saw only two or three times before deciding there simply were no sparks. Another she saw once or twice a week for a couple of months before deciding he was a whole lot more interested in her than she was in him and that, all things considered, she'd just as soon stay home and read a book as go out to dinner with him again.

 

Honestly, she simply doesn't find that many people who interest her enough to invest in dating. She's extremely bright and very mature, but still just 19. She has little to nothing in common with most of her age peers, who are just now beginning college while she's graduated and working. But, while living at home so she can bank most of her salary, she isn't fully on her own or functioning as a real adult, which limits her common ground with other, slightly older young adults. To top off all of that, she is very aware that her residence in our city has an expiration date, since she plans to move somewhere with more opportunities in her field as soon as she can pull together the nest egg and the right situation. So, much like when she was in school, she is hesitant to get involved in a way that might require her to make painful decisions later.

 

 

[AK_Mom4]

My older kids all waited until they were 16 to do the solo date thing. Before that, it was all hanging with groups of friends or with the family. I liked this and think it worked well because they really had a network of friends built up before the whole boy-girl thing came into play.

 

I had to vote "other" because I never let DD19 do the "free dinner". She had to pay her own way on dates - at least until they had been dating for a while. You don't want to get caught up in the "she owes me something because I paid for dinner" thing.

 

My kids have taken dating pretty seriously. DS22 has dated two girls - one for about a week afortis current girl for five years. DD19 is on her second boyfriend - ever. The first lasted about a year and the current for more than that. DS18 has had a few dates but really hasn't clicked with anyone - he says he is waiting for the college girls now ;D

 

 

And DD12 says boys are still yucky.

[Rosie_0801]

I think lists are useful, as long as they were sensibly made to begin with. Hormones make it too easy to forgive small things like smoking or whatever your sticking points are when you're hormones have settled down.

[swellmomma]

My girls are permitted to start dating at 16 IF they are mature enough.  I think they should have fun dating and getting to know about relationships etc BUT I also believe that intimacy is sacred and raise them to know this, and to understand that the purpose of dating is to reach that point of marriage so they should treat it as such in as far as being choosy in whom they date, which will limit the total number of guys they date, being faithful for the length of the relationship, and do not become sexually active with someone you could not see yourself marrying and raising children with.  Going out and having fun, and getting to know yourself in a relationship etc is great, sleeping your way through the football team, not so much.  I want them to have a healthy understanding of relationships, dating and love.

[Scarlett]

What do you mean by what works and doesn't work and what you value? Wouldn't you know those things from your experience in your family dynamic, watching your parents, and from your own introspection? I've heard of people being instructed to make LISTS of what they want in a spouse, what they value, blah blah. I never did. Are you encouraging this sort of thought process?

I have no daughters but will chime in. I married young....stayed married for 26 years. Sometime during that marriage I made a top ten list of what I wanted in a mate. It was suppose to help my marriage but basically I never looked at the list again until I was divorced. I tweaked a few things and that was my list. My dh has every single trait on my list.

 

So I highly encourage a top ten list.

[PeterPan]

I have no daughters but will chime in. I married young....stayed married for 26 years. Sometime during that marriage I made a top ten list of what I wanted in a mate. It was suppose to help my marriage but basically I never looked at the list again until I was divorced. I tweaked a few things and that was my list. My dh has every single trait on my list.

 

So I highly encourage a top ten list.

Rats, I missed part of the story!  So you have a NEW dh, and he meets your list, where the old didn't?  Or your ex had everything on the list but still became the ex?  :D

[MistyMountain]

My girls are young so this is just hypothetical. When my girls are old enough to date I would prefer they date one person at a time and get to know them. They don't have to wait until they are sure they are about to get married. We will not require them to court. As far as the age goes it depends on them and how responsible they are and how responsible the boy they plan on dating is. I don't have a set age in mind but I am guessing it would be around 16. When my girls are old enough to date I will have a talk to them about warning signs to look for and will encourage them to find someone who treats the women in his life with respect. I will encourage them not to be involved with a young man who drinks a lot or does hard drugs. They can decide when they are ready to marry. I do want them to be in committed relationships and not to date multiple people at the same time and I especially don't want them to be promiscuous but I am so far from that right now it is hard to know how it will be dealt with. I will be the same way with my son as I am with my daughters.

[Scarlett]

Rats, I missed part of the story! So you have a NEW dh, and he meets your list, where the old didn't? Or your ex had everything on the list but still became the ex? :D

Yes it is the new dh who has all ten on my list.

 

By the time I made the list my xh and I were already in such turmoil that I really could be objective about what I wanted....I found myself just making a list of everything he wasn't! That is why I encourage people to make the list BEFORE there is anyone in the picture.

[swellmomma]

When my aunt was ready to start dating again after her divorce she made a list. Her second husband met all the "requirements" and he was wonderful.  After he died and she was ready to start dating again the guy she met fullfilled them all as well.  They have been married for 2 years now.  Making the list certainly helps you know what you want and helps eliminate the guys that don't match that very quickly before any time or effort is wasted on them.  By making a point of learning what you want rather than what you don't want in a guy helps a lot I think.

[Chris in VA]

I don't know. The whole thing makes me squeamish. 

 

I have one kid who has had one, very casual relationship that became a difficulty when they "broke up." It was terrible.

 

I have one who is "of the world," as they say in my religious circle.

 

I have one who has already said those 3 little words, so lightly it shocked me.

 

Uggh.

 

I want to lock my dd away until she's got a degree and knows her own mind.

 

Won't be doing that, tho. So, "16" is our arbitrary age. She could have a date for homecoming next year or another dance, but not be "dating" someone. No boyfriends til at least 16.  It'll prob be someone from church, which could be problematic, since Dad is the priest. I think the old fashioned sense of dating for fun, where there was little or no expectation of runaway hormones and girls laid down the law, is over. The hooking up culture is predominant here. I want dd to get involved in a Christian community that is practically Amish (in that stereotypical way, not really Amish...) so that the expectation in the group is to remain chaste. Oh, and although I think things are better in a group situation re getting to know people, I am NOT under the illusion that there is safety in numbers; the many group experiences I have had (as a teen and as a parent) tell me kids know who is paired off and give opportunity for privacy to those in the group who are. Movie theaters are the WORST place for dates if kids want to sneak around--dark, attention is off of you, etc. A lot happens there, according to my reliable sources...

 

 

[Wheres Toto]

I stayed with the same guy for way too long when I was a teen in what was a really unhealthy relationship, and I think I would have been much better off if I had more casually dated a few people instead.  But as I said, this is just hypothetical and a lot will depend on what dd is like as a teen.

 

I see this way too often.  Too much importance is put on every single date/boyfriend and it leads to taking things more seriously than they should be, or sticking with it longer than you should.  I know that's how it was for me.

 

My oldest was friends with boys, went on "dates" to supervised school/church dances or as a group when she was 13/14/15, and was allowed to one-on-one date at 16.  Although since the driving age in NJ is 17, it still meant a lot of supervision.  She never places a huge amount of importance on having a boyfriend.  If she meets a guy she likes and would like to get to know better, they go out for however long it works.  If there's no one she is interested in getting to know better as a boyfriend, she just hangs with friends and doesn't worry about going out with someone who she really has no interest in.

 

I didn't feel like any of the poll options really fit.

[Melinda in VT]

I didn't vote. The age portion of the poll seems like you are asking about minor girls. The first part of the poll seems like you are asking about young adults.

 

Also, my views on dating are the same for both my sons and my daughter.

 

While they are in high school, I hope they will spend most of their time interacting with boys and girls in casual groups. I see nothing wrong with going on first or second or third dates with multiple people. I would prefer they not get serious about any one person.

 

Once they are adults, I think the stakes are higher, so I would encourage them not to date anyone they have decided they wouldn't want to marry.

[Joker]

My oldest is almost 14 and will be in high school in the fall. She is in public middle school right now. So far, her group includes boys and girls and it's been good for her. I know she had a crush on one of the boys and they both texted a lot. That was it and they're still friends and seem to have moved on from their crush. None of her friends have done the boyfriend/girlfriend thing at their ages, so I find that to be a plus.

 

She will be allowed to go out in groups of both boys and girls in high school, as I was, and she could start one on one dating at about 16. I'm not really too worried about her becoming too serious in high school. We've talked a lot about not doing that and she always gets angry in movies where girls do that and she finds it crazy. I know that may change, but she has a lot of plans for herself which I think is important. We talk with her a lot about those plans and how to make them happen - and that does not include a serious relationship in high school.

 

I don't want my dds to wait to date until they're ready for marriage. I think they need to be around lots of different people and have lots of different experiences before they will even know what kind of person and relationship they want. I also don't want them to be out of our home and in college before they have any experience with dating. I would like to be able to see how they handle things in the beginning of that and talk with them when I feel they need it.

 

I do not talk about or encourage list making. If I had made a list, I would not have even dated dh, but he is perfect for me.

[PeterPan]

Yes it is the new dh who has all ten on my list.

 

By the time I made the list my xh and I were already in such turmoil that I really could be objective about what I wanted....I found myself just making a list of everything he wasn't! That is why I encourage people to make the list BEFORE there is anyone in the picture.

 

 

When my aunt was ready to start dating again after her divorce she made a list. Her second husband met all the "requirements" and he was wonderful.  After he died and she was ready to start dating again the guy she met fullfilled them all as well.  They have been married for 2 years now.  Making the list certainly helps you know what you want and helps eliminate the guys that don't match that very quickly before any time or effort is wasted on them.  By making a point of learning what you want rather than what you don't want in a guy helps a lot I think.

 

 

I do not talk about or encourage list making. If I had made a list, I would not have even dated dh, but he is perfect for me.

See that's what I'm wondering.  Were your lists useful and valid as adults but the same procedure might have shown misplaced values or a lack of self-perception or what was worthwhile at 14, 16, or even 18?  

[Rosie_0801]

See that's what I'm wondering.  Were your lists useful and valid as adults but the same procedure might have shown misplaced values or a lack of self-perception or what was worthwhile at 14, 16, or even 18?  

 

I think lists made as a teen are worth more if the implications of it are discussed with a sensible adult. There are misplaced values, lack of self-perception, sure. There are also the problems of being brought up to compromise and a teen is unlikely to know how far to take that. I'm 33 and still not sure I do.

 

Some things from my teen list are still valid. I still don't want a smoker. :p Now I am older and have kids, list making is more complicated.

[Tammi K]

I voted dating was a prelude to marriage because that is MY felling on the subject BUT my older girls did have a few 'dates' to school dances and formals during the high school years because DH and I never made it a 'rule'. One daughter had a few typical crushes in high school but didn't date at all in college and for the first two years after. Now, she is involved seriously with someone. One daughter had a significant other for a year before she decided she couldn't see it continuing so they separated.

 

What I encouraged and shared was the idea that real, serious dating was a way to learn more about a potential spouse and if at some point in the dating timeline it because obvious to you that this person was not a person to whom you could be wed, then it was time to separate because there was no point in pursuing the relationship further.  During high school I encourage group activities that included lots of friends for game nights, nerf wars, movies, etc.

[Lisbeth]

16 in groups, 18 solo dates. I think dating is kind of strange before a certain age. I like the idea of focusing on self dvelopment and academics and getting to know about the opposite gender in groups of friends.  Young teen dating means unecessary drama, and wasted time and energy.