kristi26 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 To those of you who have been married at least 10 years: If you could offer one piece of advice to newly weds (about marriage of course), what would it be? My DH and I are part of a couple of different marriage ministries and this question is on my heart. So what do you think? What would you say? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Least said, soonest mended. That is the best I have. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Quit expecting and start accepting. For the men: You married a woman, not a slave. Pick up after yourself and don't expect her to do your dirty laundry if it isn't in the hamper. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Don't go running to your family with your marital problems. If you work it out your family will still harbor hard feelings. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 No matter how similar you think you are realize that you come from two different family cultures. Don't make assumptions based on the culture you grew up with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 women - you married him the way he is, don't expect to change him. men - you married a woman who will have children and her body will change. don't bad mouth your spouse to other people - not family, not friends, etc. it makes you look like an idiot for marrying them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Be openly honest about goals, hopes, and dreams. Make important decisions together, remember to laugh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Life is hard. Sometimes it is good, sometimes not so good. There will be funny, romantic times in your life. There will be sad, difficult times in your life. There will times of plenty of money and time and fun in the sun- There will times of dire need and sorrow. That is life Marriage is a joining of two lives. Do not expect it be more than life itself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Don't give up the essence of who you are. It is not his marriage, it is not her marriage, it is your marriage. You will become a team, but you will still be individuals. In my experience, I've seen too many people (women mostly) give up everything they like or enjoy to do what he wants and enjoys. There should be a healthy respect for the other persons interests and hobbies, but you don't have to give up yours. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Discuss children before marriage(all aspects)!! How many? Discipline style? Religion you'll raise them (if you 2 have different religions?) I have found this to be deal breaker for many couple that found out after they were married. Best advice I got in my Pre Cana classes, have a weekly meeting about relationship concerns and a separate one for family concerns. This gives both people a time slot to address none emergent concerns and doesn't necessarily catch the other off guard. A lot of the time the meeting will be a few minutes but others it could be longer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UrbanSue Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 My biggest surprise after ten years of marriage is how much we still have to work at it. We have an awesome relationship and many, many things have gotten easier but I don't think you ever (at least not in the first ten years!) get to a point where you can click the relationship on auto-pilot and coast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lea1 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 My dh and I went to premarital counseling with a dear couple who had been married a very long time and did this as their ministry. We went through a workbook together and met with them once a week to discuss it. It was awesome because it made sure we discussed pretty much every important topic that could potentially trip us up later. We also had to work together to come up with a shared budget and discuss all things surrounding money, including how money was handled in our family of origin. We also talked about all things surrounding children and many other topics. I think it was one of the very best things that we could have done to prepare us for marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Before you get married: Talk about money. Know what money comes in and where it goes. Talk about you want out of your life and make a financial plan to get there. Make sure you both want the same things. If one is dreaming of champagne and a mansion and the other is fine with a bud and a shack you need to know that before you get hitched. From a woman's standpoint-never ever let your husband control all the money and tell you that you don't need to worry about it. Things happen, illness, divorce, emergencies. If you have no idea what your money situation is it adds stress to an already stressful situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
********* Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 My best advice is that the Bible means what it says about marriage. It's not vague, it's not hard to understand. It's pretty straightforward. What's *hard* is for our flesh to always cheerfully embrace and apply the Bible's teachings on marriage. In that vein, I'd encourage the newlyweds to study the scriptures regarding marriage (Eph. 5, 1 Peter 3, 1 Cor. 7, Col. 3). I'd also encourage study of what the Scripture says about divorce. I realize this may seem strange advice for newlyweds, but studying what scripture says about divorce has a way of cementing just how seriously the Lord views marriage. And then lastly, I'd encourage the wife to study Proverbs 31. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 When you ask each other about your day, put aside whatever you were doing and truly listen to your spouse for 10 minutes with no distractions (ok, maybe 5 once you have kids). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mmeblue Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Your spouse cannot read your mind. Tell him/her your thoughts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happypamama Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Be extremely select and cautious with whom and what you will say that is negative about your spouse, no matter how small it is. A vent can easily turn into bashing, and that's not productive or helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MinivanMom Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Leave and cleave. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Erin Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Your husband is not God. Don't expect him to read your mind, never break your heart, or always be your equal partner. Your husband is just a broken sinner, same as you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 My dh and I went to premarital counseling with a dear couple who had been married a very long time and did this as their ministry. We went through a workbook together and met with them once a week to discuss it. It was awesome because it made sure we discussed pretty much every important topic that could potentially trip us up later. We also had to work together to come up with a shared budget and discuss all things surrounding money, including how money was handled in our family of origin. We also talked about all things surrounding children and many other topics. I think it was one of the very best things that we could have done to prepare us for marriage. This is basically what DH and I do for one of our ministries. :) We had a wonderful couple who'd been married 49 years mentor us and we wanted to pass on that gift to other couples. We love it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted June 13, 2013 Author Share Posted June 13, 2013 These are AWESOME, Hive! Keep them coming!! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennifersLost Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 You can't change anyone, ever. Not your husband, your children, your in-laws....take a good long look at what's in front of you right now. That's exactly what will be in front of you ten years from now. You shouldn't change anything truly important about yourself for your husband, children, in-laws....If they aren't thrilled with you the way you are now, they will be much less so in ten years. And if you change to please them, you will end up pleasing no one. Having said that, once you choose to love and marry, fling yourself into it with no holds barred! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alice Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 The two best pieces of advice I got that I still think about... 1) Not everything you think has to be said out aloud.- From my very outspoken pastor’s wife. She said that she had always been told the “don't let the sun go down on your anger†advice but quickly realized that for sometimes she needed to decompress and wait to speak and that often when she did she was kinder, less angry and more loving. It’s helped a lot when I’m upset with dh but on late reflection realize I was really more upset because of other circumstances (bad day homeschooling, hormones, it was too hot, someone else had upset me, etc). Saved me many a time from saying things that I later had to go back and try to unsay. And the times when I’m still upset after reflection are the times when I need to talk to him about an issue. 2) Your marriage will never be 50/50, sometimes it will be 0/100. Sometimes you will be the person giving 0% and sometimes 100% but if you each try and be the one giving 100% all the time you’ll be ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Love means sacrifice and joy. Joy in the sacrifice. It's a paradox but it's true. I don't mean a hanging-your-head-down-moaning kind of sacrifice either. Joyful and joy-filled. It is all so worth it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blessed Mommy Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 Have lots of sex! I'm totally serious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 The thought doesn't count for much if you don't act on it. (I was married for 10 years) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 We just hit 10 years last month! :party: Very happy! Our Pastor gave us some very wise words in marriage counselling - marriage is about choosing to love them even if you feel you hate them. I was a starry eyed teenager, how could I ever feel I hated him? Oh, there have been times... :svengo: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 13, 2013 Share Posted June 13, 2013 The thought doesn't count for much if you don't act on it. (I was married for 10 years) That is good advice for all relationships! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamajudy Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Don't let the sun go down on your anger. (married 34 years) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 To those of you who have been married at least 10 years: If you could offer one piece of advice to newly weds (about marriage of course), what would it be? My DH and I are part of a couple of different marriage ministries and this question is on my heart. So what do you think? What would you say? Marriage isn't about him making you happy or you making him happy -- it's about the two of you, together, loving and serving God and others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 In addition to so many of the above, realize that you both will change, grow, and mature (hopefully :tongue_smilie:). So even if you have it all talked out and figured out before you marry, you'll need to be flexible with the changes. (I.e., we were going to have 3 kids; we have 6 :001_smile: ) Change is not (necessarily) a bad thing--we all do it. And the way you both present yourselves to each other before marriage is going to look a little different once you've relaxed a bit. So you are always having to renegotiate some things, and you can't assume that just because you knew your spouse before you married, that you still know them--you have to keep up the communication and the efforts to court and pursue, in order to nurture the ever-changing relationship between ever-changing people, even after 30 years (married 31) :001_wub: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyJoy Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Tomorrow is my 10th anniversary! May I still contribute or do I have to wait until tomorrow? :laugh: In a specific situation, treat him/her the way he/she wants to be treated (assuming a healthy mental state), not the way you would want to be treated if the situation were reversed. This sounds counter to the "golden rule" but it's just a variation--I'll give an example. A friend of mine was complaining that she wanted to be able to go to lunch with an old friend (male) from high school w/out her husband. She had never dated this guy, but he always had a crush on her. Her husband told her he was uncomfortable with this, but she kept insisting that she wouldn't mind if he did the same thing with an old female friend. I told her that I thought his feelings on the issue were just as valid as hers and showing him love in this situation would mean respecting his feelings not projecting hers onto him. How would she like to be told that her reaction to some issue was unreasonable just because it didn't match his feelings on the issue? She admitted that she would feel demeaned and controlled in that case. Remember who you married, and don't try to change him/her too much. Sure, you will both grow/change/evolve over the years, but don't buy a minivan with the intention of remaking it into a sporty convertible. Be content to marry the person on an "as is" basis, because assuming you've spent enough time getting to know each other, what you see is what you get for the most part. My husband is an introvert, and as much as I'd like him to be a bit more sociable and engage in small talk so we can have couple friends, it's not likely to happen. I've accepted this and don't nag him about it. When others try to bring up neutral aspects of his personality as a bad thing (like I'm being baited to bash him), I deflect, shrug it off, or bring up the positives about it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisa in Jax Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Women: tell your husband what you want/need. Don't make him read minds, and don't get mad if he doesn't figure it out if you didn't explicitly tell him! Men: If your wife vents about something, she doesn't need you to fix it; she just wants you to *hear* her. Listen, commiserate, and let her solve the problem unless she asks you to fix it! Together: Money issues cause big problems in marriage if you let them. Don't let them. Go to a Dave Ramsey course before you get married. Work on being as debt-free as you can be. Never use the "D" word when you argue. Once you put "divorce" on the table, it's hard to take back. When arguing, stick to what's going on right now. Don't bring up old hurts. Try to explain how you feel without attacking. Say, "When you did/said X, I felt sad/mad/scared" (or whatever). Avoid saying "You always..." or "You never..." because it makes your spouse defensive. Put your spouse and your relationship first. There will be times when the rigors of work/life/parenthood cause you to focus more on other things. When this happens, make time to focus on each other. Don't wait for holidays to do nice things for one another. Pick up his plate and put it in the sink for him. Wash her car for her. Fold his socks the way he prefers. Compliment her. Laugh together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alte Veste Academy Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 My favorite was part of our marriage ceremony. You choose to get married because you love each other. At times, you will need to choose to love each other because you are married. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Communicate your desires well. Yes, some people need you to articulate what you want into tiny words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarlaS Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Your spouse cannot read your mind. Tell him/her your thoughts. :iagree: And if he's the distracted or forgetful sort, be prepared to do what it takes to get his attention first, and tell him over and over again. :leaving: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Well, according to the other thread, someone else agrees with you! Have lots of sex! I'm totally serious! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Learn your spouses love language and speak it to him often. Help him know yours and how to speak love to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
readinmom Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 My dh and I went to premarital counseling with a dear couple who had been married a very long time and did this as their ministry. We went through a workbook together and met with them once a week to discuss it. It was awesome because it made sure we discussed pretty much every important topic that could potentially trip us up later. We also had to work together to come up with a shared budget and discuss all things surrounding money, including how money was handled in our family of origin. We also talked about all things surrounding children and many other topics. I think it was one of the very best things that we could have done to prepare us for marriage. This is the one thing I wish we had done before we got married. After dating for eight years, we underestimated the value of premarital counseling. We thought we "knew" each other better than anyone else could guide us. It would have saved a few disagreements along the way. We will celebrate our 25th anniversary this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 There are 7 billion people on this planet. Not today, but one day, you might meet someone out of those 7 billion people who is an amazing match to you. And, even though it doesn't seem possible now, you may find yourself attracted to that person. And you might even compare that person against your spouse and find your spouse coming up wanting. This is normal. But scary. Does it mean you married the wrong person? No, not at all. It's just that with 7 billion people walking around the odds are that sometime in your marriage you'll meet another person who is a good match. Never, ever act on it. Ever. Guard your heart. The moment you feel a spark of attraction get that person out of your life, or at least at a far periphery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharonM Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Say I love you, often. Every day. multiple times per day. Even when you do not feel a single shred of love. Saying it will help you feel it. I read somewhere that sharing a kiss of more that Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharonM Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 oooooppsss... sharing a kiss of more than 15 seconds is essential. Don't let all your kisses become quick pecks. After a few years, it can become "routine". Take your time... kiss like your mean it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
claluck Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Always give your all to your marriage. If both of you are giving all you have it will be okay. There will be times when one or the other of you will have to shoulder the biggest burden of the marriage. Those times wont last forever just give all you have and you will get there. Oh and I totally agree keep the intimacy alive. 13 years on Sunday. We have had our ups and downs but never, ever been anywhere close to thinking about separating. Christina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 I don't know if this is the most important thing a person has to learn, but it was very important for me to learn. You aren't your spouse's conscience, and you can't do the convicting about wrong - their consicience or God will do the convicting. If you try to do the convicting you're just being a nag. Doing a book together before marriage was helpful. Every marriage is cross-cultural in a way (even if your families are very similar, there will likely be assumed cultural things that will come up). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Marriage isn't 50-50. It's 100-100. Don't keep score on who is hitting their 50%. Instead give 100% and expect 100%, knowing that sometimes your 100% is more than your spouse's 100%. Vice versa, sometimes your 100% is less than your spouse's 100%. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Have lots of sex! I'm totally serious! sharing a kiss of more than 15 seconds is essential. Don't let all your kisses become quick pecks. After a few years, it can become "routine". Take your time... kiss like your mean it! Guess my marriage is doomed. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 For the men: You married a woman, not a slave. Pick up after yourself and don't expect her to do your dirty laundry if it isn't in the hamper. :) According to John Gottman this is key. A husband accepting his wife's influence and not expecting to be catered to in the early years of marriage is one of the main indicators of who stays together and who divorces. Gottman has a high degree of accuracy in predicting which couples he has studied will stay together and which will divorce. I've been to 2 of his workshops and he is great. His Bringing Baby Home series with his wife Julie is one of the reasons we weathered the transition to unexpected and young parenthood. I highly recommend all of his books on marriage. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Don't be afraid to talk about things. It has only taken me about 20 years to work out that I can talk to Dh about things at a very deep emotional level, in a calm manner and actually come to a great understanding about each other's thoughts and minds. Believe me it can really improve your relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lynn Posted June 14, 2013 Share Posted June 14, 2013 Looks like everything is pretty much covered so I'll add.......Don't pout or get mad about a forgotten birthday or the wrong Christmas gift. Some people are not gift givers or mind readers. It's okay to buy your own gift sometimes. Some may not agree but I'll put it out there. Find hobbies and/or interests that are yours. Make an effort to show some interest in your spouses projects and/or hobbies. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristi26 Posted June 14, 2013 Author Share Posted June 14, 2013 You all came up with some amazing stuff!!! Thanks! Anyone else have something they'd want newlyweds to know? Even if it's already been shared, that's okay! Share it again! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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