How do you tell others 'why' you HS without sounding judgmental?

[Ariston]

I am very good at making my case when given free reign to speak however I like, but I am not good at phrasing things diplomatically. So I run into the problem of how to explain my reasons for homeschooling to other parents without sounding like I am saying the education their kids are getting is sucky.

 

Does anyone have any advice? I know, of course, that I don't have to justify my decisions to anyone. But I would like to get better at having this conversation when I am asked by other parents in an earnest way what my reasons are.

 

It would be easy to lie and say it was due to my son's learning disabilities or something to that effect, but I'd like to make a convincing case that is true without being offensive.

 

Unfortunately the truth is that I think the education I am giving at home is way better than the education kids are getting in school, and I don't know how to say that politely (especially to other parents who have kids in the local public school.) The school here is very good, so most parents are not un-happy with it.

 

ideas?

[momma2three]

I think that lots of I statements and some self-deprication helps. I think that people do feel judged. Which is their own issue and all, but it seems like there's so much out there telling mothers that they can never measure up to some ideal, so it can seem like just one more person who is doing a better job parenting than you are.

 

I've been saying some version of: "I thought we'd give it a shot, because I thought of all the cool field trips and activities we could do. It's working out really well, actually. I like that she gets such an individualized education. And the best part is that if I ever decide it's not working, I sign her up for public school, and send her the very next day."

[WTMCassandra]

I stress its individuality and tutorial method.

[Shmead]

I think one reason that this is difficult is that no one makes the decision to home school because they sorta kinda think it might be better in some ways. It costs too much and is too much work to be a casual thing. Our son is still too young for K, so no need to justify it yet, but when talking about our plans I sometimes say "We have some wacky ideas about education". It suggest we are the weird ones, and I don't really have any problem being the weird one. If someone wants to ask "What wacky ideas?", well, that's an invitation to start talking about Classical education and idea-focused and more science and social studies and SM and all the other things that will bore the crap out of them. But that's a focus on what home school can do differently, not on what public school is doing wrong.

[JennyD]

I go with brief and vague, followed by changing the subject: "Well, we thought we'd give it a try, so we did, and it's just been a really great experience for us, so here we are. And how is your daughter enjoying soccer/violin/dance/summer camp? I hear such great things about that program!"

[Slipper]

I usually tell them that the girls needed so much individual attention that we felt it was better for them if they were taught at home. I usually follow that up with the (true) comment that the teachers in our district are over-worked, under-paid, have over-crowded classrooms and work SO hard. It usually conveys the impression that I have the utmost respect for the teachers in our district but my kids needed more than they could give. Since my mother and other relatives are employed by the school district, it was a delicate tightrope, but most people are okay with my response.

 

And then yes, I change the subject. :D

[ErinE]

I say it helps me tailor my children's education to their strengths and weaknesses. In my experience for younger grades, classes are taught so everyone meets grade standards. Once your child reaches grade level, the teacher focuses on the other children. I don't blame teachers for this and my respect for teachers has greatly increased since starting homeschooling. My child's education, however, essentially stopped once he "passed" his grade. Many parents understand this concern and support my reasons once I explain them.

[PeterPan]

I don't. I just say we do, it works for us, and that we comply with the law, end of discussion. Usually people have no clue what homeschooling is, how it works, or that there even IS a law.

 

If you explain why you homeschooling, what you're really walking into is their reaction of guilt or feeling they never could or this or that. It's one of those things people have a lot of pent up emotions on, sort of like nursing or birth stories.

[Sue G in PA]

My go-to line is usually something like, "Homeschool works best with our lifestyle and for our family as a whole." I leave it at that and leave this door open if they want to ask questions about homeschooling in general. Which most do. :)

[Incognito]

I don't get a lot of people asking me why, but when HSing comes up and we do talk about it, I say we enjoy the lifestyle it gives our family and we are really grateful there are good public schools we can send the kids to if it stops being what we want to do.

 

That way, the parents with kids in the schools do not feel attacked by our choice, and I say one good reason we do HS. There are lots of reasons we HS, but elaborating on the lifestyle (if they ask more questions) is generally also a safe thing to do that does not end up attacking non-HSers.

 

I find that the HSing thing only gets weird with certified teachers, and also with them it has only been harder for me with some family that is fairly opinionated. I applaud them because I am sure they have thoughts about what we are doing that they hold their tongue on, and I have to hold my tongue a lot in conversations with them too. Guess we both get good practice in tact when talking about education with one another. :)

[Crimson Wife]

My kids are so all over the map in terms of what they can do that it would be exceedingly difficult to find an appropriate classroom placement for them. At home, I can tailor the curriculum to meet their needs in a way impossible for a teacher dealing with 31 other students.

[T'smom]

I try to be lighthearted and say something about how I'm a control freak. If laughing it off doesn't work, I say that "this is the best decision we could make right now for our family and our circumstances".

[Lilaclady]

I tell them it is what we have fund works for our family now. We are always evaluating and looking at the best options out of all the alternatives. Most of my friends will not give up their jobs to homeschool so it works for us all.

[PachiSusan]

That's a really tough one. Honestly, if someone is going to be offended by what you say, they already are taking your choice personally as against what they have chosen. I would say as little as possible.

 

(ETA That was awkward. If someone is offended by what you say, then they have already taken the choice as a personal attack on the path they have chosen. Is that better???)

 

"We home educate because we feel it works the best for our family". Then you say, "Please pass the bean dip" or some other equally innocuous comment. :)

[Anne in CA]

I have combined different responses at different times. I would often tell people that the class rooms in our district are so crowded, (no exaggeration here) that I feel that if your kids have special needs that you can meet at home you have a social responsibility to do that and save the district the time and money. No one argues that. No one in the know could argue that because it is a well known fact that our district is not doing well at meeting the needs of gifted/ special needs kids because we just have too many non English speaking kids who need immediate attention for other kids to have special needs met. If you talk to my kids for five minutes you know they are not your average kids and probably need one on one attention, lol.

[clemota]

I focus on the fact that my children were not a good fit for the traditional classroom, as opposed to it being the school district lacking in almost. every. way. It seems to help to make people less defensive if they think it's MY kids who have the problem, not the schools.

 

"We began when my son was starting 7th grade: you know how hard middle school is for kids! He had some issues that we were better able to handle at home."

 

or

 

"My youngest is such a kinesthetic learner, she is constantly in motion! I'm know she would disrupt the entire classroom if she were in a traditional school."

 

Neither is entirely true, though neither is a lie, either.

[weederberries]

I usually emphasize the ability to individualize each child's education to their strengths and capabilities. That's enough to satiate the polite asker.

 

If I judge that as well-recieved, I might elaborate that it frees our schedule to travel and explore in less-traditional forms. It frees us to begin teaching when my children are eager to learn, rather than waiting for a birthday cut-off. We are free to choose subjects that are appropriate for their level regardless of age or what classmates are capable off. We explore their strengths in depth, move past mastered concepts quickly and linger on more difficult concepts. In a light-hearted way, I add that we enjoy sleeping in, vacations at off-peak times, and museums on weekdays.

 

This focuses our choice on the direct benefits to us, not against or compared to another's choice. As soon as you start to rank or quantify schools there is the potential for offense.

 

If they are still smiling, I might discuss my deeper philosophy. It pushes the envelope to ranking the schools as inferior to what I provide (and perhaps what others could choose to provide), but not judging those who participate in schools. I mention that homeschooling has worked for us so far, that our responsibility is to give our kids the best available education and I choose to be available at home. If and when the best available is no longer at home, we will happily enroll them in the school that will serve them better. I know that homeschooling is not an option for everyone for many reasons and their best available education lies in a school institution.

 

It's a more polite way of saying, "our schools don't do our kids any favors by lumping them together and I refuse to buy in to the philosophy that schools know better than parents." It might just cause some to think about whether they could provide something better for their kids at home. They might decide they can not, but a little seed of thought that it is the parents' responsibility to provide the best education possible and that state schools aren't necessarily the best is good for Americans to consider.

[LucyStoner]

"It works best for my son." End of story.

[Rosie_0801]

"Life is supposed to be an adventure, isn't it? Sometimes the best thing to do is hold on tight and see where it takes you!" *shrug and grimace*

 

That used to work for me before my kids' special needs made the choice obvious to anyone with eyes and ears that work properly. It seems to give the listener the feeling that it was something that happened to you, but thankfully didn't happen to them, as though under the circumstances there's nothing much you could do because there is no point trying to fight destiny.

[GWOB]

After 4 1/2 years of answering that question, I just do not care about offending people anymore. To me, that question is on the same level as questions about the amount of kids you have/don't have. I do not have to justify my choices to other people. I just don't have to do it.

 

But you probably wanted practical advice ;) I normally answer "We love it and it works for our family." Further discussion is not tolerated. Period. If someone is genuinely curious, I will elaborate. Other than that, they receive a canned answer and the conversation is redirected.

[Dahliarw]

"It works best for my son." End of story.

 

This is pretty much what I say to most people. "We tried public school for kindergarten, decided to give homeschooling a try for first, and found that homeschooling works best for my son and our family as a whole." Gives the basics without being judgemental, and leave the door open for further questions. I figure if they ask more and then feel "judged" with my non-judgemental responses, it's their problem!

 

 

I find that the HSing thing only gets weird with certified teachers,

 

Hee hee, I am (or should say was, since techincally my cert expired 3 years ago simply because I'm not actively teaching in public schools) a certified teacher. Working in PS actually made me consider homeschooling more, and this was before I had kids!

[sewingmama]

I have to be careful about this as we do live in an area where the schools are bad and the parents know it but send their kids because homeschooling isn't even on their radar. So when people ask me I tell them my kids have some issues that make it better for them to be schooled at home. I leave out the part that these "issues" were sexual abuse in the schools or all my kids already being way ahead of the curriculum before they even started K.

 

My DH is a school principal of a small country school. Of course all the teachers want to know why he doesn't bring them to his school....isn't it good enough for them? I tell DH to just shrug his shoulders and tell them homeschooling is all his crazy wife's idea LOL.

 

After I tell people my DH is a teacher they don't usually ask too many questions after that. They seem to think its acceptable for a teachers kids to be homeschooled......even though its me that teaches them and not DH.

[Laura Corin]

I just used to say, 'It's what works best for our family at the moment.' Then if they ask further they tend to sound a bit intrusive. So most don't ask further.

 

Laura

[skeeterbug]

I just used to say, 'It's what works best for our family at the moment.' Then if they ask further they tend to sound a bit intrusive. So most don't ask further.

 

Laura

 

 

This. People seem to feel better knowing that we might change our minds and put our children in school at any moment. So something along the lines of 'this is just what works best for us right now' is usually enough. I'm guessing that many think we'll put our kids in ps when they are older, even relatives probably think that.

 

The only other question they might then ask is 'Oh, are you a teacher?' I always get a puzzled look when I tell them no, and you don't have to be one! People don't seem to take it much past that, like quoted above it seems a bit intrusive so they don't tend to push for more information.

[JFSinIL]

Why do they need to know?

[regentrude]

I have it easy. I say that my kids were not challenged in school, and there was bullying.

Nobody who knows our local middle school can argue with that.

[AMJ]

I have combined different responses at different times. I would often tell people that the class rooms in our district are so crowded, (no exaggeration here) that I feel that if your kids have special needs that you can meet at home you have a social responsibility to do that and save the district the time and money. No one argues that. No one in the know could argue that because it is a well known fact that our district is not doing well at meeting the needs of gifted/ special needs kids because we just have too many non English speaking kids who need immediate attention for other kids to have special needs met. If you talk to my kids for five minutes you know they are not your average kids and probably need one on one attention, lol.

 

 

One problem with this idea of "social responsibility" of relieving the pressure on the schools is the fact that we, as taxpayers, are still paying for the educational system we are not using. There will be people who are just fine with this, but there are others who don't like the fact that if we "relieve the burden" on the school system (by choosing homeschooling or a brick & mortar private school) we don't get any of the dollars back and can't even apply for a federal tax credit for the amount we spend in addition to the tax dollars we've already paid. This is a VERY volatile issue, and can get you an unexpectedly vehement argument in return. Be careful, and know your audience before making this argument. It can come across as very judgmental.

[AimeeM]

I have a hard time with that too. We are very close with our neighbors - several of whom work in the school (speech therapists, teachers, etc). When they ask, I stutter and end up sounding like a complete fool. Even now that we're sending our eldest to private next year, we'll get the questions about *why* don't we just use the local middle school, when are we sending the middle child to school (he'll be homeschooled until he requests otherwise), etc. My neighborhood friends who aren't working in the school, often have children IN the schools (and love them, lol).

[Hunter]

I homeschool because I want to. What's there to argue about with that response? KWIM?

 

But yeah, no, I've learned not to say more than that...

 

...I just do not care about offending people anymore. To me, that question is on the same level as questions about the amount of kids you have/don't have. I do not have to justify my choices to other people. I just don't have to do it.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Less is more. We don't owe people explanations of our choices and actions.

[Χά�ων]

Depends on the person asking.

 

 

[Scarlett]

I don't. I just say we do, it works for us, and that we comply with the law, end of discussion. Usually people have no clue what homeschooling is, how it works, or that there even IS a law.

 

If you explain why you homeschooling, what you're really walking into is their reaction of guilt or feeling they never could or this or that. It's one of those things people have a lot of pent up emotions on, sort of like nursing or birth stories.

 

 

This is very true. And if I do run into the rare bird who REALLY wants to know then I tell them, kindly my reasons. I also point out that everyone's reasons are different...I homeschool because I felt strongly about having enough time with my son to actually be the one to raise him....and that my ds is quite bright and I didn't want him to be a bored trouble maker in school. However others might homeschool because of parents work schedules or sickness or learning disabilities.

 

I must be getting old. I don't feel defensive and I don't feel the need to convince them they should homeschool.

[stripe]

No one ever really asks me.

 

The only person who has, turned out to be a teacher at an arts-themed charter school with a lot of homeschoolers who enrolled part time. If I'd lived anywhere near her school, I think I would have enrolled my kids! She shared my concern over testing as well. It was an interesting chat.

[Ellie]

"Oh, it just works best for my family."

 

I don't feel the need (any more, lol) to explain myself, or to try to make my inquisitor comfortable with my choice. I try to not to sound judgmental about *her* choice, of course. This can be difficult...

[Ellie]

:iagree:

 

Less is more. We don't owe people explanations of our choices and actions.

 

 

:cheers2:

[In the Rain]

My go-to line is usually something like, "Homeschool works best with our lifestyle and for our family as a whole." I leave it at that and leave this door open if they want to ask questions about homeschooling in general. Which most do. :)

 

:iagree:

 

It really depends on what kind of person is asking, and why. If it is a parent considering homeschooling, I'll explain what I feel are the shortcomings of group education. If it is a parent with children in ps, I would make an effort to not make them feel bad about their choices or situation. Dh and I had so many reasons for choosing homeschooling, that I can just pick an appropriate reason or two to mention. It is usually apparent why people are asking and what they hope to hear as an answer. :001_rolleyes:

 

Here is a somewhat related funny story that popped into my head. Dh's grandfather had been a school bus driver in his early retirement. Holiday meal after holiday meal, the conversation turned to why we were homeschooling and how our children would never know the joy of riding the bus. He seriously felt they were being deprived of the experience of bus riding. :laugh: It finally occurred to me to mention that in our neighborhood kids had to walk to school. He *never* asked about homeschooling again. :lol:

[Candid]

I am very good at making my case when given free reign to speak however I like, but I am not good at phrasing things diplomatically. So I run into the problem of how to explain my reasons for homeschooling to other parents without sounding like I am saying the education their kids are getting is sucky.

 

 

 

Unfortunately the truth is that I think the education I am giving at home is way better than the education kids are getting in school, and I don't know how to say that politely (especially to other parents who have kids in the local public school.) The school here is very good, so most parents are not un-happy with it.

 

ideas?

 

I think my concern about your post is the is the connection between the phrases in bold above. I, too, like to argue and make my points, but most conversations aren't appropriate venues for that kind of point making so I don't.

 

As others have said, I rarely get someone who is really asking why about home schooling.

 

So my suggestion is to watch what and how you say things. I think you can even say, "I think home schooling is the best," without saying more and being argumentative about it. Your voice tone is important, and listening for what they actually say back to you will be important.

 

But you can add a phrase that I think is wise, "I think home schooling is best for my family." The addition of this phrase is not being dishonest or even backing down from your belief that home schooling is better as much as it is recognizing that humans come in great diversity and that the academic content of a class is not the only factor involved. In some families the academic content might not be better than a school classroom and in other families the level of emotions might make home school unwise. Adding that clause recognizes that and more.

[Dmmetler]

Mine is "My DD has special needs that are hard to meet in a group setting, so homeschooling is a good choice for her right now".

[Tracy]

I don't try too hard. My dh is a public high school teacher, and that is a big reason we homeschool. We know intimately what schools, administrations, teachers and their competency, schedules, educational standards and philosophies, standardized testing, school culture, etc. are like, and they are not what we want for our kids. I am not any more impressed with the local private schools, since they would be unable to accommodate my kids' special needs. I am sorry if people feel judged. It is not my intention. But it is the truth.

[Ellie]

It really depends on what kind of person is asking, and why. If it is a parent considering homeschooling, I'll explain what I feel are the shortcomings of group education.

 

:iagree:

 

 

If it is a parent with children in ps, I would make an effort to not make them feel bad about their choices or situation. Dh and I had so many reasons for choosing homeschooling, that I can just pick an appropriate reason or two to mention. It is usually apparent why people are asking and what they hope to hear as an answer. :001_rolleyes:

 

See, I don't feel the need to go out of my way to make people not feel bad about their choices. If I say, "Oh, we like it, and we'll probably keep doing it," I'm not responsible for their feeling bad about *their* choices. I don't necessarily feel the need to add anything like, "We have to all find what works best for our own families."

[stripe]

See, I don't feel the need to go out of my way to make people not feel bad about their choices. If I say, "Oh, we like it, and we'll probably keep doing it," I'm not responsible for their feeling bad about *their* choices. I don't necessarily feel the need to add anything like, "We have to all find what works best for our own families."

 

I think it's phrases like "Public schools are the work of the devil! Won't catch me preparing for Purgatory there!" or "We prefer to focus on academics in our homeschool for (insert toddler's name here), but coloring and block building are fine when your future is sitting on a corner, stoned. (Smile)" that turn people off, not merely saying, "We like it" or "It's right for us," or whatever.

[briansmama]

I say that I am big on alternative/holistic education. I find this doesn't seem to offend, just more of a different strokes thing.

[bobbeym]

For DS, my generic response is that HS is what works best for DS since it allows us to tailor the curriculum to fit his learning needs. Ussually that's all it takes unless they're actually interested in learning more about HS.

 

For DD, my response is that medical issues left her behind her peers and this is what she's chosen to do to earn her diploma, instead of getting a GED.

[Ellie]

I think it's phrases like "Public schools are the work of the devil! Won't catch me preparing for Purgatory there!" or "We prefer to focus on academics in our homeschool for (insert toddler's name here), but coloring and block building are fine when your future is sitting on a corner, stoned. (Smile)" that turn people off, not merely saying, "We like it" or "It's right for us," or whatever.

 

I do try to avoid those. :D

[mom2scouts]

This is a really tough one for me because I've already sent several children through the public school system here. I guess I could say that homeschooling works for our family *now*. I can't even use the "overcrowded, underpaid teacher" excuse because our classes are very small and elementary teachers make up to $78,000 plus benefits (average local income is $40,000). Despite the "excellent" rating, highly paid teachers, small classrooms, and good facilities, I felt that my gifted children were being held back, some of the teachers were horrible, and there was too much time wasted. I usually just try to tell them the benefits of homeschooling for my chldren, but that can also come across as negative toward public schools.

[Ellie]

The mere fact that we don't send our children to public schools sounds negative to many people. It is what it is, and you can't help that. You can only use words which are not purposely offensive, KWIM? "We like it. It works for us. How about those Dodgers?"

[Momof3littles]

Vague, vague, vague-"It allows us to meet our kids' individual needs and customize their education. We love the flexibility." And then I change the subject. IME people generally fall into 2 camps; one will pepper you with combative tone and combative questions or comments(what makes you qualified? Don't you need a license? I disagree with HSing! blah blah. The other camp will ask you more but the tone is genuinely curious. Sometimes they ask the same questions as the combative group, but the feel of the questions is just totally different.

 

With combative, I pass the bean dip, change the subject, etc. or answer with more vagueness about state laws, etc. vs. getting sucked into defending myself. For people in my life who are repeatedly combative, I find myself limiting contact with them a bit. I have a neighbor like this; I've known her for years, we are friendly, but she goes through cycles of negative, unsolicited comments. I kind of pulled back from our relationship for a while when every. single. conversation seemed to involve her working in HSing and her disapproval of it.

 

With those who are genuinely curious, I answer their questions, try to keep it light, smiley, not real deep unless they are *really* wanting that. I'm happy to answer questions if I feel they are coming from a genuine desire to learn more.

 

But as a first line of defense, I go for vague, vague, vague with smiles and a "it works well for us" attitude.

[MinivanMom]

I say, "Homeschooling is the right thing for our children at this point." Then I ask a question to change the subject.

 

I will only discuss homeschooling "for real" with someone who is asking questions in a genuine way, because they are considering homeschooling. I have learned the hard way to still be very, very careful what I say. I never talk about public schools in general, our local public schools specifically, or my experiences as a public school teacher in the past. I never criticize schools or group instruction. I never draw comparisons between homeschooling and public schools. I will explain our local legal requirements for homeschooling. I will share what curriculum we use, how I structure our day, and how I keep it all organized. I will tell what I think the benefits of homeschooling have been for us, but I'm still very careful to keep it from sounding like a comparison with public schools. I agree with the pp that said talking about homeschooling is like talking about childbirth or nursing. There are too many emotions and too much defensiveness. It should be added to the list of things polite people never discuss socially.

 

Never discuss religion, politics, childbirth, nursing, or homeschooling.

[LMD]

I just say 'We fell in love with the lifestyle, and just had to give it a try. So far so good!'

[boscopup]

I just tell the truth: "We wanted our son to work at his own pace."

 

If they probe further, I'll explain that he was ahead in some areas and behind in others, so he was bored at grade level, but he couldn't have handled the output of the next grade up. (I actually had someone ask me why I didn't just move him up)

 

I've never had this question from a hostile person though. Everyone has been genuinely curious, and some have later thought about it for their own kids.

[Mom-ninja.]

I simply say, "Because I like it." Not many people can argue or get offended by me stating that I like to home school.