Would you attend a funeral of a distant family member who didn't like you?

[Tap]

Dh's step mother's mother is dying. We have only met her maybe 9 times of an hour each. She lived in another state until 8 years ago---after she moved here we got along fine for 3 years of seeing each other at family functions 3x per year---and now it has been 5 years since she stopped talking to me. A few years ago we had a miscommunication in an email and she never forgave me. My mil tried to defend me (the tone/meaning of the email changed based on how you read it), but it didn't matter, the deed was done. She refused to come to any family functions that involved us and we haven't seen her in 5 years. Dh had no relationship with her. I only knew her a tiny bit due to the women cooking for holiday dinners.

 

She is now on Hospice and will not be here for long. I am torn on whether or not we should attend the funeral. I would go to support dh's step family, but it would seem odd to be there when the woman hated me so much. It is a 2 hour drive each way so it isn't a local event to just make an appearance at and leave.

 

WWYD? My guess is that she will have a simple non-religious service with only a few people. She wasn't a very nice person and didn't have many friends. Under 20 will be attending, and I would guess... possibly under 10 (just family). I can ask MIL but I know she will tell me to just do what I feel is best.

[Melissa in Australia]

other.

 

.

 

 

funerals are not for the dead person. They are for the living persons. Some of the things that funerals do: it gives closure, helps with the grieving process, a great chance to catch up with relatives you haven't seen for a long time.

 

 

When my Mother’s father died, I made my mother go to his funeral. I took her. He had raped her as a child and hadn’t spoken for 30 years.

 

My mother thanked me afterwards. It gave her the closure that she needed.

[FaithManor]

Stay home. However, I voted other because the staying home part has nothing to do with respecting her wishes. She will be gone. She won't know if you are at the funeral or not. However, if she has bad mouthed you or dh to other relatives and they have bought into that, then going could cause them angst or make grieving harder for them.

 

Sending flowers and a card with a word of sympathy for the rest of the family would be an appropriate gesture or some donation to a charity in her name...I like that idea as well. Sometimes families get so many flowers and potted plants, they don't know what to do with all of them after the service.

 

Faith

[bolt.]

2 hours isn't far, and would make an easy trip. (I'm always surprised at how people consider things 'far'. Here, it can take easily 1:15 to go to a funeral in town. There's no logistical nightmare in a 2 hour each way day trip.)

 

I'd go to "say" (to the living) that her grudge was one sided, and that you are a respectful open person -- not one to skip a funeral over having been misjudged years ago. (But I'd just go drive out, do the service, briefly eat if there were a reception, or catch fast food, and drive home.)

 

Not really "say" it, imply it by my willing presence and pleasant face.

[PentecostalMom]

Does your dh have a relationship with his dad? Like others have said, funerals are not for the dead, they are for the living. I'd go.

[Flowing Brook]

I say go. It will give you the closure you need. You may also be able to support the rest of the family.

[Audrey]

I would not go. I think it's hypocritical to "pay respects" to someone for whom I had no respect. I might consider sending a sympathy card to other family as a way of expressing my condolences for their grief, though, if I felt that were appropriate in the situation.

[Orthodox6]

I voted "other."

 

Funerals are for the dead, not for the living.

 

I don't know if you espouse a religion or not. If you are a Christian, then you believe in the afterlife. You may go and silently pray for the woman's soul. If you are not comfortable attending the funeral, you can pray for her soul from your own home, or from anywhere else.

 

If you do not espouse a religion, then you and your husband might base your decision (about attendance) on your relationships with members of the extended family. Perhaps your presence would be a support to them.

 

At a funeral, the central figure can't talk to you anyway, so her feelings toward you while she was alive can't hurt you. You may well find yourself freed from the previous pain because, as noted by other posters, this is an opportunity for closure.

 

I'm sorry that you and your husband have had so strained and unhappy a relationship with the woman.

 

P.S. Unless the woman's death is imminent (tonight or tomorrow morning), you might even want to visit her in hospice to tell her goodbye and provide her with an opportunity to ask your forgiveness.

[catz]

If I had a relative I cared about deeply requested my presence personally and I knew it meant a lot to them, I'd try to go if it worked well (I wouldn't go to the ends of the earth to set up sitters and overnight accommodations, etc). Otherwise no, I would probably not go. I would probably send a card in that case.

[OnTheBrink]

I'd not waste my time going to a funeral of someone who hated me and hadn't spoken to me in 5 years. What's the point? It's not like anyone will be relying on you or your dh for comfort, kwim? I'd skip it altogether, UNLESS another family member you're close to would be hurt by your absence.

[Catwoman]

Since she's your dh's stepmother, I'd let him make the decision.

[J-rap]

I'd probably only go if it really meant a lot to her close family who would be there. If they didn't give two hoots if you were there or not, then I probably wouldn't go.

[justasque]

Your dh should go to support his stepmom and pay his respects to her mom.

You should go to support your dh and to stand by him as his wife.

You and your dh are a team.

I'm old school that way.

[SKL]

I'd probably go unless the whole family hated me. Even then, I'd go if dh wanted me there.

[elfgivas]

i'd err on the side of extending love and grace....

[mommymilkies]

I may go to support my father, since it's 2 hours away, but any farther and probably not.

[Parrothead]

I'd go to support the in laws. Am I correct in assuming she and your FIL are still together? If not my answer would change to no, stay home.

[AlmiraGulch]

I would absolutely not go.

 

I believe that funerals are to support the living, but I think your obligation stops at your immediate family. If your husband were close to her, or your children, I'd say you go. To support non-immediate family? No. They have their primary support systems in place already.

 

Like someone else said, send a card and a plant so they know you're with them in thought and prayer and leave it at that.

[Chris in VA]

I don't know, actually.

 

I do think I'd probably NOT have dh go alone. I believe in Team Marriage, lol--Funerals bring up emotions that may be easier to handle with your trusted ones close.

[bettyandbob]

Dh should go. If dh wants you to go, you should go with him. If he doesn't care then don't go, but figuring out if he really doesn't care will be tricky.

[TKDmom]

If it was across the country, I'd be tempted to just send dh. But I agree with pp that he may need your support. I am eternally grateful that my dh insisted that our whole family hop on a plane and fly 2000 miles away for my mom's funeral. I needed his support. Since its only 2 hours, I vote that you both go. I am of the philosophy that you go to funerals to support the living who are left behind. And maybe it will give you an opportunity to have some closure.

[Tammyla]

Difficult decision.

 

I'd only go if it helped dh or his living family.

[Down_the_Rabbit_Hole]

Why not see her before she dies? She might be in a position to forgive/forget all the past. I have seen this happen countless times. Family problems are laid to rest before the person is simply because one of the parties has decided to try one last time.

[Kim in Appalachia]

You didn't mention your dh's father. Is he still living? Will he be there? Are there other siblings who were close to her? If there is family involved, I would go. I think it's important to support family. She'll be gone, you go to support others. If there is no other family involved, then don't go.

[Unicorn.]

I voted no to both, but like others, it kind of depends on the father. If he is still alive, I met tell dh to go to support his dad. If he is deceased, then no.

[Laurie4b]

Dh should feel it out with his dad (if he's alive) or his step-mother. What's his/your relationship with the step-mother like?

 

I actually don't think it matters a whole lot one way or the other unless it matters to someone still alive.

[vonfirmath]

other.

 

.

 

 

 

funerals are not for the dead person. They are for the living persons. Some of the things that funerals do: it gives closure, helps with the grieving process, a great chance to catch up with relatives you haven't seen for a long time.

 

This. I would go to support the living you still have a relationship with.

[QueenCat]

If my dh was going, then I would go as a support to him.

[I.Dup.]

My other is "no." Just no. But my family has never been big on the funeral culture. We are not very close knit so it wouldn't make sense in our case.

[Ipsey]

I voted "other."

 

Funerals are for the dead, not for the living.

 

 

I definitely disagree. I think funerals are for the living. They are a way to grieve and to support those left. I don't think going to a funeral, or not going to a funeral, has any affect on the dead at all.

[Orthodox6]

 

I definitely disagree. I think funerals are for the living. They are a way to grieve and to support those left. I don't think going to a funeral, or not going to a funeral, has any affect on the dead at all.

 

 

You and I have different worldviews. This is a mixed-type message board.

[WishboneDawn]

Double post.

[WishboneDawn]

 

 

Funerals are for the dead, not for the living.

 

That may be technically true but I've never been to a funeral where the real reason people attended wasn't for the loved ones left behind.

 

If your DH is close to his stepmom, I think you should go but ultimately it's probably his decision to make.

[Orthodox6]

 

That may be technically true but I've never been to a funeral where the real reason people attended wasn't for the loved ones left behind.

 

 

Orthodox Christian funerals are for the dead.

 

Other "benefits" certainly are present, such as those mentioned by others (closure, supporting the bereaved still living, chance to see friends and extended family, etc.). Nevertheless, the primary purpose is to offer the last rites for the deceased, and public prayers for his/her soul.

[Night Elf]

Other. Our decision would be based on our relationship with the rest of the family, specifically the step-mother. If our going would make anyone upset, I'd stay home. It's possible only this woman had negative feelings, not the rest of the family.

[Lady Florida.]

Other.

 

Funerals are for the living. I'd base my decision on my relationship with the rest of the family.

[8circles]

Dh's step mother's mother is dying. We have only met her maybe 9 times of an hour each. She lived in another state until 8 years ago---after she moved here we got along fine for 3 years of seeing each other at family functions 3x per year---and now it has been 5 years since she stopped talking to me. A few years ago we had a miscommunication in an email and she never forgave me. My mil tried to defend me (the tone/meaning of the email changed based on how you read it), but it didn't matter, the deed was done. She refused to come to any family functions that involved us and we haven't seen her in 5 years. Dh had no relationship with her. I only knew her a tiny bit due to the women cooking for holiday dinners.

 

She is now on Hospice and will not be here for long. I am torn on whether or not we should attend the funeral. I would go to support dh's step family, but it would seem odd to be there when the woman hated me so much. It is a 2 hour drive each way so it isn't a local event to just make an appearance at and leave.

 

WWYD? My guess is that she will have a simple non-religious service with only a few people. She wasn't a very nice person and didn't have many friends. Under 20 will be attending, and I would guess... possibly under 10 (just family). I can ask MIL but I know she will tell me to just do what I feel is best.

 

I'm so sorry for your loss. Not meaning her death, but the death of the relationship that could have continued.

 

Since this is a non-religious service, I think it sounds like the only reason to attend would be to support the living.

 

I would support you visiting her while in hospice if you have any hope that there could be some healing. Heck, even if you don't have hope I would support it - you never know. I understand if you don't have the strength/energy to do that though. It is hard.

 

Most importantly, be there for your DH. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Georgiana Daniels]

Dh's step mother's mother is dying. We have only met her maybe 9 times of an hour each. She lived in another state until 8 years ago---after she moved here we got along fine for 3 years of seeing each other at family functions 3x per year---and now it has been 5 years since she stopped talking to me. A few years ago we had a miscommunication in an email and she never forgave me. My mil tried to defend me (the tone/meaning of the email changed based on how you read it), but it didn't matter, the deed was done. She refused to come to any family functions that involved us and we haven't seen her in 5 years. Dh had no relationship with her. I only knew her a tiny bit due to the women cooking for holiday dinners.

 

She is now on Hospice and will not be here for long. I am torn on whether or not we should attend the funeral. I would go to support dh's step family, but it would seem odd to be there when the woman hated me so much. It is a 2 hour drive each way so it isn't a local event to just make an appearance at and leave.

 

WWYD? My guess is that she will have a simple non-religious service with only a few people. She wasn't a very nice person and didn't have many friends. Under 20 will be attending, and I would guess... possibly under 10 (just family). I can ask MIL but I know she will tell me to just do what I feel is best.

 

Normally I would say go, because the funeral is for the survivors and it never hurts to keep goodwill with them and to be a support system. But in your situation....considering the drive and time, I might just send flowers to the survivors with a meaningful card (unless your DH really wants to go then by all means attend with him.) It sounds like the survivors know that the relationship wasn't friendly, so it might even come across as disingenuous to go (some might see it that way, anyway.)

 

Maybe arrange a time to get together with the survivors sometime in the near future to show love and support that way, at a time when your family can make it a trip that includes other activities.

[Tap]

Thanks for the advice, I am still as torn as the board seems to be. LOL I think we will just wait and see when the service is. If it isn't a problem for me to attend, then I will go. If it creates scheduling problems, then I will look at the situation for what it is at the time.

 

Just for a bit more information:

 

Dh's father is alive and is still married to the MIL. The husband to the one on hospice has dimentia and won't know who I am, so he won't care if I am there. My MIL and her daughter (dh's step sister) and I have a good relationship. They would not mind if I am there and I wouldn't mind being there to support them...but they know how the grandmother felt about me. The family isn't super close, but we do see them for 3-4 holidays a year. I guess the one thing I have in my favor, is that the one on hospice is the only one who read the email wrong and everyone else had no problem with what I said. There are no bad feelings toward me from anyone else.

 

 

The situation if anyone is interested: My mil sent out an advertisement email for her new business, I got a 'reply all' response from a name I didn't recognize of stupid email jokes/kitten pictures.The product was a multi-tier product and the list of people the ad went to was huge, so I had no reason to suspect that I knew the person responding. I am very protective of my email address, so I sent an email back asking this person to delete me from thier email list because I only use my email for planned communication. I had no idea it was from her and that she had hit 'reply all' on accident. I worded the letter nicely and if you read it with a nice tone, it was fine. She thought I knew it was from her, and was asking for her to remove me from her email list. She refused to try to hear the letter in a nice tone, and insisted that I knew exactly who it was from. The email address was in her given name, I only ever knew her by her nickname. My mil tried to defend me but it didn't work....so here we sit.

 

I have no intention of seeing her before she dies. It would only make things worse as she still actively hates me.....hmm maybe I could send her an email. :0P'

[Unicorn.]

Ahhh, it's dh's step-grandmother. I missed the second mother in the OP, and read it as dh's step mother, not step grandmother. It seems you have a good relationship w/ mil, so I would go to support her. She'll know you came for her, and will appreciate it!

[8circles]

I don't think you would be wrong either way. I would probably choose to go because sometimes people's memories change in their grief and it could come back to bite you of you aren't there. Sounds awful but I know it happens.

[PinkInTheBlue]

She likely doesn't want you there and the other parts if the family are fine with you personally. I actively despise funerals, so my answer is possibly swayed by that. I don't know of any reason I would attend a long distance funeral for someone who was determined to hate me. :)

 

I know it's a tough decision for you. Good luck! ;)

[Susan C.]

I always go if possible, even if the one that died didn't like me... I do it to support the family. This may sound awful, but it was a relief to see someone that unreasonably caused me pain to not be able to anymore. That was my closure.

 

Only reason I wouldn't was if FIL/SMIL said not to.

 

And, the email deal was just plain stupid. No where near enough to alienate anyone. She didn't like you before, the email was just an excuse for her.

[Mommy22alyns]

Honestly, I wouldn't go. If DH wanted to go, that would be fine, but I wouldn't.