I can't believe I have to ask. Did you staff a nursery for your wedding?

[FaithManor]

I have to sign off in about 30 min. and don't know when I'll be back, so I hope some of you will have time to answer quickly.

 

I'm receiving flack for not staffing a church nursery or providing at my expense, a babysitter for my niece so she can bring her two year old to dd's wedding, but not have to take care of her.

 

My sister in law thinks I'm a real chump for not doing it. To the point that she's called my mother and my mother in law to complain that I'm clueless on etiquette.

 

Seriously, is there an etiquette rule out there that says we are supposed to provide childcare? In my day, such a thing was not done. Either kids were invited or they weren't and it was up to the parents to choose how to deal with it. (We didn't actually invite said two year old great niece, her mother just announced she wanted her daughter to attend and expected us to provide on-site childcare in case she gets noisy or needs a nap.)

 

Faith

[KungFuPanda]

Nope. They're crazy. Tune them out.

[Jean in Newcastle]

No nursery.

[Mama Geek]

We didn't do a nursery, kids were in the service, but the youngest was probably 4. I did a lot of babysitting before getting married and lots of the kids were there. I would try to find a sitter if invited to a no kids wedding or if kids were invited I would walk out of the service with dd if needed. No big deal to me. It sounds like your sister is overreacting.

[MomtoCandJ]

Nope not gonna happen, if she wants one she can pay for it :)

[magnificent_baby]

Seriously?? Never heard of that, and very rude that it would be expected.

[Karen in CO]

At all the weddings in my family, kids are invited knowing that they are kids and might get noisy. Noisy kids, drunken uncles, gossipy older ladies, teens trying to avoid the adults and silly girls laughing at it all - that is our kind of wedding.

[justamouse]

No.

 

Epic NO.

[Heatherwith4]

Um, no.

[8circles]

That's a new one. No, you don't have to staff a nursery for a wedding. Some people may do it but AFAIK it isn't the norm nor should it be expected.

[J-rap]

No. Never heard of such a thing. If the couple doesn't want to take care of their child during the service, then they should get a babysitter and leave her home, or they can bring a babysitter and leave HER in the nursery, too.

[Catwoman]

No.

 

No.

 

No.

 

Your SIL is acting like an entitled witch. Well, not witch...................

 

Her demand is ridiculous. Tell her to watch her own kid at the wedding, get a babysitter, or stay home. You know, like the entire rest of the world does.

[Dandelion]

No. The only one clueless on etiquette here is your SIL. That's just ridiculous.

[Arcadia]

None of my extended family need to. It was understood that the older kids (teenagers) would babysit the younger nieces and nephews if need be just outside the church service.

 

However two of my girl friends mentioned that their church provide babysitting for all church services, weddings included. So I could see where that assumption might come from. The babysitting is free and done by church volunteers.

[DaffodilDreams]

I got married way too long ago, but, no, I didn't staff a nursery. I was a bride who wanted children around, though. Some of dh's younger cousins are beginning to get married, and so far no nursery at those weddings , either. One was specifically a no children allowed, out of town wedding, so a lot of family members didn't go due to expense and inability or lack of desire to leave children thousands of miles away for a few days. As far as I know, there was no grumbling on either side. Really, your post is the first I've heard of the nursery at a wedding concept.

[Impish]

No.

 

No.

 

No.

 

Your SIL is acting like an entitled witch. Well, not witch...................

 

Her demand is ridiculous. Tell her to watch her own kid at the wedding, get a babysitter, or stay home. You know, like the entire rest of the world does.

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

[itsheresomewhere]

That is not uncommon lately for young people. It is not staffing a nursery though. What normally happens in families with lots of kids is that the bride and groom hire a sitter for the kids. They normally bring in pizza for the kids. It works out great for the families. Now some bride and grooms say babysitting for 10 dollars for the night. Most people tip the sitter a few bucks too. I haven't seen it done for just one kid though.

[AimeeM]

HAHAHAHAHA.

 

NO.

 

Just, no.

[Ellie]

I've only attended one wedding in 38 years where there was a nursery available.

[ksr5377]

Uh, NO! I completely do not get why people can't understand NO CHILDREN! I had a big, huge family wedding with lots of kids, but I am also able to respect that others choose another route. When the invitation does not include your children, you either get a babysitter or you don't go. DEAL! When DH and I are invited but the children are not we don't take it as a personal attack on our family. Ugh, OK, rant over I suppose :)

[BigMamaBird]

You do not have to pay for childcare for other people's children. If she doesn't want to be bothered with taking care of her own kids at the wedding, she can darn well hire one of her own. :glare:

[FaithManor]

Thank you! Whew! I feel so much better. I'm really worn out right now. Though I serve my friend's family with willing heart because they need the help while he's going through his chemo, the schedule and keeping up with the boys' homeschooling and planning the wedding is taking a toll and it's only been about 2.5 weeks of a 7 week run. I'm kind of shutting down with the communication with the crazy stuff because, well, it would be so easy for me to go ape on my SIL, her daughter, and well, a couple of other lunes that I would normally be able to handle diplomatically and with a fair amount of social grace when the tired in me isn't taking over.

 

The church does not allow their nursery to be opened for non-sponsored events. So, if I had been required to do this, I would have had to pay for it to happen somewhere off-site. Another detail I did not need to manage.

 

The hive saved me again!

 

I shall sleep through the weekend, try to recover some social skilsl, and then politely decline the demand on Monday when I will then disappear to friend's house so she can take her hubby to chemo...sil won't be able to get a hold of me for several hours! HA!!!!

 

Faith

[Guest inoubliable]

No. I didn't.

 

Most of the weddings that I've gone to in the last 5 or 6 six years have, though. Mostly very formal affairs and incredibly expensive tables set up with extravagant meals being served.

 

IMO, your niece is rude for expecting it and then going so far as to complain about it.

[Cinder]

Nope and never heard of such a thing.

[Momof3littles]

We did not, but we were one of the first couples our age in our circle of friends to marry. We didn't invite any kids to the wedding other than my nieces and nephews. If I was getting married today and many of my friends already had children, I probably would try to make arrangements for a nursery on site. However, that certainly isn't an obligation. I had babies that wouldn't take bottles, etc. and so it was hard to leave them, even though I wanted to sometimes LOL. If there isn't a nursery and/or it is a no children type of wedding, I do think a host has to be somewhat understanding if people then can't make it. I was in a wedding when my DS1 was a toddler, and DH and I had to split up. I attended, he stayed with DS1, because there was no way DS1 was going to go to sleep for a sitter. I believe a bride and groom have every right to draw up their own guest list and have no obligation to invite kids or staff a nursery. However, I think they also shouldn't guilt families for whom those arrangements aren't convenient or possible. I have been in situations where there was a destination wedding, for example. I totally support people having a destination wedding, but then I cannot stand when people get miffed that not everyone can take a week off, buy plane tickets, etc. to fly to a wedding. It just isn't always convenient or a realistic option for all guests. My thought is that the bride and groom can host the wedding they want, but they also should be gracious if those arrangements don't work for their guests. And guests should politely decline if the arrangements won't work for them, without guilting the bride and groom about those arrangements and why they won't work.

[Barefoot Explorer]

I understand that 2 years old is a difficult age to bring to a wedding. She should just get a babysitter...yikes!

[Live2Ride]

Her daughter, her responsibility to find childcare...but I'm one of those that believes that my kids are not someone elses responsibility.

[Mrs Mungo]

Either kids were invited or they weren't and it was up to the parents to choose how to deal with it.

 

This is typical in my circles and family.

[jillian]

Nope. We also didn't allow children unless they were 15 or older

[Aspasia]

Wow. Never.

 

I'm Mormon and all of our weddings are kid-friendly. If people don't want to deal with their kids for the evening, THEY hire a babysitter.

[Tammyla]

No, and I've never been to one that did.

[Kathryn]

No.

[DianeW88]

Absolutely not!! Tell her kids aren't invited. Then when she tells you she's not coming, just say, "Oh well, you'll be missed."

[Parrothead]

An invitation to a wedding is not a royal summons. If the invitee can not find or afford a baby sitter on his/her own he/she need not attend the wedding.

 

It may be a different story if one of the wedding party had a young child. But that is a big may and if.

 

Demanding childcare from someone else for one's child is TACKY.

[Pippen]

I was married in 1989 and we provided nursery for the ceremony only. We offered (not required) it to families with children 5 and under.

 

I knew of a number of weddings that did the same thing aroudn that time so maybe it's a regional thing.

[Mrs Mungo]

That is not uncommon lately for young people. It is not staffing a nursery though. What normally happens in families with lots of kids is that the bride and groom hire a sitter for the kids. They normally bring in pizza for the kids. It works out great for the families. Now some bride and grooms say babysitting for 10 dollars for the night. Most people tip the sitter a few bucks too. I haven't seen it done for just one kid though.

 

I will say that we once had the bride and groom help us find a local babysitter for a wedding we traveled for (dh was a groomsman). But, the babysitter came to our hotel room and we paid her. I've honestly never been to a wedding with a sitter on site.

[ocelotmom]

I think there are situations where not providing childcare is at least borderline impolite - for example, a no-kids wedding where close family members have kids and have to travel to get to the wedding (ie. can't readily find their own childcare). Or where the people getting married want children in the ceremony (flower girl, ring bearer), but an adult-only reception.

 

But there's no obligation to provide childcare simply so people don't have to watch their kids.

[Word Nerd]

I've been to a lot of weddings but have never seen on-site childcare provided. I think your SIL is the one who's clueless about etiquette.

[vonfirmath]

I have to sign off in about 30 min. and don't know when I'll be back, so I hope some of you will have time to answer quickly.

 

I'm receiving flack for not staffing a church nursery or providing at my expense, a babysitter for my niece so she can bring her two year old to dd's wedding, but not have to take care of her.

 

My sister in law thinks I'm a real chump for not doing it. To the point that she's called my mother and my mother in law to complain that I'm clueless on etiquette.

 

Seriously, is there an etiquette rule out there that says we are supposed to provide childcare? In my day, such a thing was not done. Either kids were invited or they weren't and it was up to the parents to choose how to deal with it. (We didn't actually invite said two year old great niece, her mother just announced she wanted her daughter to attend and expected us to provide on-site childcare in case she gets noisy or needs a nap.)

 

Faith

 

I provided childcare at my wedding for my sister (my matron of honor) and the son of the bridesmaid who died before the wedding but her husband was coming anyway.

 

I didn't do it for etiquette reason or anything else but to help them out because I knew otherwise the wedding was going to be difficult. The nursery was RIGHT there between the auditorium and the reception so it was on site and they could drop off/pick up as they wished/needed.

[mom2scouts]

Yes, we did pay to have nursery care provided at our wedding. We did it because my SIL, who was coming from another state, was a newly single parent with 3 very small children including a newborn. My sister had a 2 month old baby and other friends and relatives also had babies and toddlers. We wanted them to be able to enjoy the ceremony without having to worry about their babies and we had access to the church nursery. A woman from the church who had know dh's family for years provided the care and it wasn't very expensive.

[freesia]

We didn't and won't when our children marry. However, my cousins who have married in Chicago both have provided childcare for out of town family who bring little ones. Your family is being rude to expect it.

[Impish]

I think the thing of it is, if someone WANTS to offer a nursery, then yay them. But to have someone DEMAND it is absolutely ridiculous! I mean, what next? Since you're providing food, etc, should you pay for their outfits too?

 

I'm expecting #6, and would NEVER, EVER expect someone to organize and pay for daycare so that I could attend a wedding. I could see if we were coming from out of town, *asking* them if they knew of a babysitter in the area, but no way would it be a demand for them to provide a sitter for my benefit, free of charge!

[Jayne J]

The only time I ever attended a wedding with a nursery was an out of state (for just about everyone, family included) no-children-allowed affair. We were told no children at the reception, and that a nursery would be provided. Otherwise most of the family would have been unable to attend. But I absolutely did not expect them to provide it--I had the choice to go or not. (Ok, I'll be honest. It kind of steamed me to be invited to an out of state wedding but told my kids could not attend. It felt rather like, "We don't want to pay for your plates of food, just send a check." But I said absolutely nothing to anyone. Apparently other folks did though, since the offer of a nursery came later. If it had not been no kids allowed, no problem.)

[magnificent_baby]

The only time I ever attended a wedding with a nursery was an out of state (for just about everyone, family included) no-children-allowed affair. We were told no children at the reception, and that a nursery would be provided. Otherwise most of the family would have been unable to attend. But I absolutely did not expect them to provide it--I had the choice to go or not. (Ok, I'll be honest. It kind of steamed me to be invited to an out of state wedding but told my kids could not attend. It felt rather like, "We don't want to pay for your plates of food, just send a check." But I said absolutely nothing to anyone. Apparently other folks did though, since the offer of a nursery came later. If it had not been no kids allowed, no problem.)

 

 

I've been thinking this, but didn't want to say it.

 

The only time we have ever been invited to a wedding where children were not allowed, we didn't attend specifically because they were not welcome.

[mytwomonkeys]

no. not necessary. i would never expect it. my mom is pretty aware (and strict) about etiquette & my folks paid for my wedding. we did not offer it & it did not come up in discussion. having said that though, children were allowed at our wedding. i'd say your extended family is expecting too much.

[PachiSusan]

I have never heard of that. It is not etiquette. If children are invited to a wedding, it's the parents responsibility to find child care and not bring them, or take care of their own children at the wedding and reception.

[Halftime Hope]

I will say that we once had the bride and groom help us find a local babysitter for a wedding we traveled for (dh was a groomsman). But, the babysitter came to our hotel room and we paid her. I've honestly never been to a wedding with a sitter on site.

 

 

I had a situation exactly like this, except I was a bridesmaid with a one year-old in tow. After the wedding, the bride made an allowance for me to bring the baby to the reception, very, very gracious of her, but then, it was a big Greek wedding, and there were a fair number of kids. (Fortunately, he was a charming, chubby baby who kept all the Greek grandmamas happy.)

 

ETA: In a large family that was traveling to a wedding, if there were many children amongst the guests, I wouldn't have any problem asking a bride I knew well if she could check into the possibility of a staffing a nursery that we guests paid for. If I didn't know anyone else, I'd rather have the sitter at the hotel.

[Dmmetler]

For a really formal wedding, especially one at night, I could understand it. Mine wasn't nearly that formal (Of course, the "Catering" for mine was mostly done by a Cadette girl scout troop, which included several girls I'd regularly babysat when they were younger-so obviously, we weren't all that formal. I will say the Thin Mints were appreciated ;) ).

 

And I have to say, while there were a lot of comments about how "just darling" DD was as a flower girl at my brother's wedding when she was 2, I kind of wish there had been a nice motherly woman in the church nursery who could have taken her out once she'd walked down the aisle. It's nervewracking to be there at the altar with the other bridesmaids, trying to keep a 2 yr old flower girl from wandering off without frustrating her so much that she starts crying and wrecks the whole thing. The reception was less of a big deal, because it was in the church hall and most of the time, DH or I could trade off taking DD to a classroom to play or out to the playground.

[Julie in CA]

I was married in 1989 and we provided nursery for the ceremony only. We offered (not required) it to families with children 5 and under.

 

I knew of a number of weddings that did the same thing aroudn that time so maybe it's a regional thing.

 

Married in 1988 in California, and did the same. Offered, but not required. We wanted children to be a part of the wedding celebration, but didn't want loved ones to miss the fun if their little ones had just had enough and needed a place to unwind. I didn't in any way have the impression that it was a matter of etiquette, I just wanted to provide it as a kindness to the parents of young children.

[UrbanSue]

Yikes, no.

 

One time we were invited to a wedding out of town and the bride offered to find us a babysitter since the kids weren't invited and she knew we wouldn't travel without them. We worked it out. We thought it was a thoughtful gesture but by no means do we expect that anywhere.