PrincessMommy Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I don't have any experience with this - and what I've observed hasn't been positive. When my dh and I married he was in a stable and well-paying job. He already owned a TH. We never had to ask our parents for help. In fact, my sister came to us and asked for financial help once or twice (to help pay for school). On the other side, my aunt was extremely wealthy and she threw money at her kids whenver they got in trouble - bailed them out multiple times. Anytine they needed money she gave it to them. Both kids are in their mid-late 50's now and still unable to work- drug addicts, alcohol abuse, divorce etc. etc. Obviously, I don't want THAT for my kids. However... my oldest and her husband are struggling financially. They have asked for help in the past - but always paid back a little at a time. Which was fine. The last time was for a tax mistake and they paid us back. We forgave the debt after about 6months and she said "whew, we were wondering where next month's payment would come from." I liked that they were trying to be responsible. But, I wonder if we shouldn't be doing a bit more. They currently live with his parents in their basement - and apartment, but no kitchen down there. She's pregnant with #1. I just don't know if we should do anything... wait for them to ask again... or what. I'd love to hear about other's stories and experiences, whether you're parents of adult kids or whether you did (or didn't) have help from your family when you were struggling. Help me out in this uncharted territory. Thanks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Without knowing more details about their circumstances and why/how they got themselves into financial difficulty, I don't think any of us can really answer your question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caroline Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 The way my parents handled this type of situation--My mom told us that they had a savings account set aside to help us if we needed it. She told us how much was in the account. If we borrowed the money, we had to pay it back, but when we could. There was not a time limit on it. I have never used the money, but I know it is there. I don't know if either of my sisters has ever used the money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 My dd & her dh are living with us until they can get a place of their own, hopefully next spring/summer. Some of the things my husband and I took into account are: they have a plan, they're working towards long-term goals, they're managing their money reasonably well (we always have quibbles, but that's different...), and they're not looking for handouts. All of these factors made us very willing to help them out. If I thought they were being irresponsible, I would be MUCH less willing to help out, and would probably severely limit my assistance to emergency/health-related issues only. I might be willing to pay for them to take some financial classes if I thought that would be helpful for them. If mine were living under his parents roof rather than mine, I would probably have offered to pay a particular bill or take care of a particular expense. I would never loan my children money I wasn't willing to lose - I would be afraid that their inability or unwillingness to pay it back would harm our relationship. As you noted with your aunt, too much giving in the wrong circumstances can enable immature/irresponsible behavior and not bring the "children" happiness in any case! Congratulations on the coming grandbaby!! Anne Anne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I'd wait for them to ask. I would think that living in his parents basement would be a considerable financial help. And as Cat said, not knowing how the situation came about, does impact how I would advise/react Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ailaena Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I don't think either their circumstance nor how they got there matters to share experiences so... I think there is a difference between helping and enabling. If at least one of them has a job, both of them are trying to better themselves, they are paying back the money, and you are clearly helping, not supporting, then I don't see anything wrong with helping. In general. If they begin expecting it, or assuming that they "deserve"it somehow, that's when the slippery territory begins. In your situation, I would only worry that your other children would get wind of it and one of them would be jealous/angry/whatever about it. I come from a family who helps out family. Always. We don't have any degenerates as of yet ;) As a pp said, any money loaned is never expected to return, but somehow, it always is (even if years later). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 My dh has wealthy parents. Dh was given a rather hefty trust fund at 18. He paid for college and lived an extravagant lifestyle through his early twenties until the money was gone. We were married and had our first child during that time. My dh and I learned how to work hard and what the value of a dollar means. We were able to rent a home from my in-laws and got a good deal on rent but it was expected to be paid every month on time. There were many times when the children were little that we could have used financial help but we didn't ask and they didn't offer. I am so thankful that they helped us in other ways and not financially. Dh works so hard to earn the money and I work equally hard to budget and save. I doubt we could have learned any of that if we were getting handouts. I would be very careful about offering financial help to your dd and her husband while they are learning to be a couple. It will do them good to work hard!!! God Bless, Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 With the new baby coming along, maybe that would make a nice excuse if you would like to help out with some of the upcoming expenses as a gift? I am not a fan of loaning to relatives because of the hard feelings, but gifts are much easier.Pay a few months of their car loan, buy gift cards to grocery stores, that sort of thing... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cjzimmer1 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I have never asked my parents for money and frankly I would have to be pretty desperate before I would. That's just not how I was raised, you lived within your means and you don't ask for handouts when times are tough. That being said we've been through some really tough times. Hubby was unemployed for 8 months. Unemployment per month was less than our mortgage payment (and our mortgage was very conservative based on previous income) forget about all our extra expenses. We lived as frugally as possible, I ended up cleaning out the kids savings accounts (I kept track so I could repay them in the future), our church gave us money, it was pretty ugly. I didn't necessarily say anything to my mom but she knew (I was pregnant at the time and only had 1 outfit that fit because we didn't even have enough money to buy me a change a clothes). They were borrowing money for their seasonal business and offered to borrow extra if we needed something to tide us through. We didn't really want to do it but we couldn't pay the mortgage (and I had hyperemesis with that pregnancy so packing and moving was beyond anything I could do). So we took the loan and a few weeks later my hubby landed a job. We paid it back about 2 months after borrowing it but I suspect that had things continued so badly they would have just given us the money. If it my kid instead of me needing the help, I would definitely look at the circumstances around it. Are the generally careful with their money or do they spend it freely? Will giving them money actually help them improve their situation or are the type to likely spend it on whims? What are they doing to get of their current situation? If they are just in a bad spot in life and extra money will make a difference, than I would offer help. If they are in a bad spot because of poor choices or they aren't really trying to turn things around, then no I wouldn't offer money. There are many lessons to be learned from making bad choices and I wouldn't want to bail someone out from learning from their mistakes until they were ready to start making changes themselves. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Our policy so far has been not to loan money, but to gift it. One daughter is working hard to raise a family and due to things beyond their control, need a little help from time to time. We gladly help. We also have another daughter who has made some bad decisions and we simply cannot help her at this time. We've paid a power bill or sent her some money, but now she has to put forth the effort to dig herself out of the hole she's dug herself into. Until then, we won't help. In both cases, loaning money just doesn't seem like the right option for us. It's hard to get ahead when there's one more bill to pay- a loan payment to your parents. So we help when we can, give support that it's going to get easier one day, and sit back and let them work it out. For the record, only once has a kid asked us for money, and we gave it. The other times we saw a need and provided, or we discussed the situation and gave a heads up that it wasn't a situation we could fix. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 It sounds like your dd and her dh are trying to be responsible. sure, they're living in their in-laws basement. is there a problem? or just your perceived lack of them having independence and privacy since they don't have their own place/kitchen? they can still have a hotplate, microwave and refridgerator. there are even counter top toaster ovens big enough to bake small items. Is he in school? working a job? was working and dealing with the currently all-too-common unemployement? that is a more important question to answer and consider. there is a difference between bailing out and helping, but many well-intentioned parents cross that line without realizing it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sbgrace Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 My parents have helped us in much the way you have helped your children (loaning us money for major unexpected medical expenses particularly which we are paying back; they also purchased the home we are living in and we will pay them for it when our previous home closes). You aren't bailing out kids who are irresponsible so they never learn from their mistakes. It doesn't sound like your oldest is being irresponsible at all. I don't think it's comparable to the aunt. I wouldn't offer to loan money that isn't being asked for. It really sounds like they might have trouble paying back loans and that is a messy situation that damages relationships. It doesn't sound like that's what you're thinking anyway, though? It sounds like you'd like to gift help? If that's the case I'd tie it to grandparent gifts for the grandbaby myself. For example, diapers gifted is different in feel compared to paying a car insurance premium. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 When dh and I were first married my IL's lent us some money to help pay for dh's graduate school. It was probably 2 years after we graduated and were working, but we wrote them a check for the full amount. They were surprised because they had figured on it being a gift. My mom has loaned my brother money off and on for years. I don't know when and if he will be able to pay back the full amount but he does attempt to pay it back. He makes loads of financial mistakes along with lots of other major mistakes that cost him alot. I guess what I am getting at is that it can go either way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I don't have any experience with this - and what I've observed hasn't been positive. When my dh and I married he was in a stable and well-paying job. He already owned a TH. We never had to ask our parents for help. In fact, my sister came to us and asked for financial help once or twice (to help pay for school). On the other side, my aunt was extremely wealthy and she threw money at her kids whenver they got in trouble - bailed them out multiple times. Anytine they needed money she gave it to them. Both kids are in their mid-late 50's now and still unable to work- drug addicts, alcohol abuse, divorce etc. etc. Obviously, I don't want THAT for my kids. However... my oldest and her husband are struggling financially. They have asked for help in the past - but always paid back a little at a time. Which was fine. The last time was for a tax mistake and they paid us back. We forgave the debt after about 6months and she said "whew, we were wondering where next month's payment would come from." I liked that they were trying to be responsible. But, I wonder if we shouldn't be doing a bit more. They currently live with his parents in their basement - and apartment, but no kitchen down there. She's pregnant with #1. I just don't know if we should do anything... wait for them to ask again... or what. I'd love to hear about other's stories and experiences, whether you're parents of adult kids or whether you did (or didn't) have help from your family when you were struggling. Help me out in this uncharted territory. Thanks. Not a parent of adult kids yet, but I've been the adult kid who lived alone many years before I met my husband. A time or two, I asked for help for a major issue, like an expensive car repair. I repaid diligently. My Mom said, "The X (our last name) bank is open if you pay it back in full and as quickly as possible". I did. That's the way the world works. There wasn't any extra to help me out just because she wanted to. If they regularly need help (and there isn't something major like chronic health problems and expensive medication involved), I would let them work it out. They need to make some changes if they are living with his parents, and I think they will need to figure this out. If you help out without being asked, that would be enabling them to avoid working out their lives to become independent. (I'm assuming they are not living with his parents for the parent's benefit here). Just my opinion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 'cjzimmer1' :I have never asked my parents for money and frankly I would have to be pretty desperate before I would. That's just not how I was raised, you lived within your means and you don't ask for handouts when times are tough. This is how I was raised as well. Depression-era parents simply lived this way, and expected their kids to absorb it. That being said we've been through some really tough times. Hubby was unemployed for 8 months. Unemployment per month was less than our mortgage payment (and our mortgage was very conservative based on previous income) forget about all our extra expenses. We lived as frugally as possible, I ended up cleaning out the kids savings accounts (I kept track so I could repay them in the future), our church gave us money, it was pretty ugly. I didn't necessarily say anything to my mom but she knew (I was pregnant at the time and only had 1 outfit that fit because we didn't even have enough money to buy me a change a clothes). They were borrowing money for their seasonal business and offered to borrow extra if we needed something to tide us through. We didn't really want to do it but we couldn't pay the mortgage (and I had hyperemesis with that pregnancy so packing and moving was beyond anything I could do). So we took the loan and a few weeks later my hubby landed a job. We paid it back about 2 months after borrowing it but I suspect that had things continued so badly they would have just given us the money. That's the important thing right there (bolded). You had tough times, but you took your obligation seriously, and didn't expect your parent to just cover the difference, when you could do so. If it my kid instead of me needing the help, I would definitely look at the circumstances around it. Are the generally careful with their money or do they spend it freely? Will giving them money actually help them improve their situation or are the type to likely spend it on whims? What are they doing to get of their current situation? This is critical. Why do they need help? If they are just in a bad spot in life and extra money will make a difference, than I would offer help. If they are in a bad spot because of poor choices or they aren't really trying to turn things around, then no I wouldn't offer money. There are many lessons to be learned from making bad choices and I wouldn't want to bail someone out from learning from their mistakes until they were ready to start making changes themselves. Absolutely. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 My dc aren't on their own yet. Your dd and her dh are getting a lot of help in the way of housing. Are they in school? I would offer significant help if it were to put them in a position to better their financial future. If I had the means I might pay tuition for grad school or vocational training. As baby's arrival comes closer I might offer significant baby presents. Equipment, diapers, etc. After baby arrives I might buy regular presents for baby (baby food, diapers, clothing, more equipment). I also might help significantly with babysitting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 (edited) thanks everyone for you imput. As to Cat's (and other's question). He has 2 jobs. Neither pays well. She is a PhD candidate working in the lab. It doesn't pay well... it's okay, but not well - and certainly not enough when baby comes. I think overall she may make more than he does... but it's an expensive area. Moving to a cheaper part of the country isn't an option. They live with his parents partly to help his parents out as they've gotten into some financial scraps with health and refinancing when the housing prices were high (I don't ask too many questions). Anyway, I'm pretty sure they're paying rent to his parents. Before that they lived in an effiency in a not so great part of town. DD has told me that her mil has stated she would be unable to physically babysit once the baby comes. I'm sad for both of them for this. I'm sure her MIL would love the chance, but I guess it isn't possible - at least once the baby starts getting mobile. I didn't mind that dd offered to pay us back for the loan on the taxes. I wanted to see how responsible they'd be. We usually emotionally give the money to people never expecting it back. That's another reason why we were fine with releasing them from the loan after several months. I really like the attitude that family helps family, but know that having boundaries would be important. And, yes, I do have the younger kids to consider. Not so much that they would be jealous - but that they may have certain expectations and therefore perhaps not work as hard as they should to be independant. KWIM? Edited December 10, 2012 by PrincessMommy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Given the situation you have described, I would put money aside and be prepared to help when they came with a need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joker Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 After seeing your update, I would gift them the money if I had it. It wouldn't be a loan and I wouldn't expect it back. My in-laws gifted us a decent amount when we got in a bind. They never expected it back and it didn't cause us to ask for more help or to become irresponsible with money. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I have no advice. My children are mostly still at home and haven't run into any financial difficulties,. I also live in a country that has great social services so hardly anyone would end up destitute. However, my DH 's sister constantly gets handouts form her parents. It is always poor ##### is really struggling. here is $$$ for this and $$$ for that. It has not helped her at all. In fact I think one of the reasons her live is such a huge mess is because she really has never had to be completely responsible. She knows that her father would bale her out if she can't pay a bill. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Is there anything you can do to help them move forward and get out of their current financial situation in general? Because, I'd look more toward helping in that way, if possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Samiam Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I don't think either their circumstance nor how they got there matters to share experiences so... I think there is a difference between helping and enabling. If at least one of them has a job, both of them are trying to better themselves, they are paying back the money, and you are clearly helping, not supporting, then I don't see anything wrong with helping. In general. If they begin expecting it, or assuming that they "deserve"it somehow, that's when the slippery territory begins. I come from a family who helps out family. Always. We don't have any degenerates as of yet ;) As a pp said, any money loaned is never expected to return, but somehow, it always is (even if years later). :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 FYI - I may delete post #17 or parts of it...since there's some personal info in there and some people here have had problems with stalkers. Just feeling a bit paranoid. Thanks again for helping me to think outloud on this. Really, it's very helpful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MooCow Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 My dad and stepmom were well off. They helped me and my sibiling out many times. We sibilings NEVER knew how much, or often. It was kept private for the most part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 My parents are awesome. They knew we were trying to buy a house with cash which can be tricky when you have to close on one to have the cash for the next one. They loaned us a large amount of money so we could manage it all. I think we had their money about a month and I was soo nervous! I transferred their portion the INSTANT I closed. But that loan helped us hugely. They offered though. Honestly I didn't even know they had that kind of cash!, Now they also financed a home for a grandchild...the loan has two years left and it has been brutal for them....he is always late, lets the insurance almost be cancelled every 3 months and generally shows a very ungrateful attitude. So you never know. I would help some if I was able depending on their plan and their situation. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 As they have proven themselves to be responsible I'd help them in a heartbeat. God gives us the gift of grace, and it is a blessing to be able to pass on some of that to others. My family gives. My parents have told me, now that I'm an adult, that many times Grandma paid for dance classes, helped with a mortgage payment, gifted them a downpayment so they could move to a better situation, etc. My parents were hard workers but needed some help. When I was older my parents helped me a few times. (mainly by letting me live with them rent free for a while, paying for a camp for my son, etc). My husband inherited some money that allowed us to buy the house we live in, and another inheritance allowed us to fund a small collge savings account for our kids.The biggest thing was twice in my life I've been gifted large sums of money. Once, when my husband was on disability for a heart problem and the house was in foreclosure. We were given 10,000 dollars by the parents of an old college roomate, in a christmas card. Totally unexpected, but it paid the medical bills. Then this past year my Aunt, again unexpectedly, gave us 12,000 dollars. She has millions and said "when you have butter, spread it around". We used that to make needed improvements on the house and to pay for my homebirth. None of us turned out lazy or unable to do for ourselves. I think Warren Buffett says his goal is to leave his children enough money to do whatever they want, but not enough to nothing. Go to her, with an amount you have in mind, and ask if you can gift it to them for christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
k2bdeutmeyer Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 So true. Sometimes people just need a break to get on track. Sometimes stuff just piles on and a small break can go a long way. This is SO, SO true. This is us. Once you get behind.....it becomes almost impossible to catch up, let alone get ahead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 They sound like very responsible people who are just starting out in life. I think it is lovely that you are wanting to help but not enable. I received help from family which was not enabling in my earlier years and it was graciously given and thankfully received. In your shoes, I might wait and see and then offer help if you feel it is needed. They are fortunate to have you. So many people don't have family to help them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bluemongoose Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 if you can give money, no strings attached to responsible people who wont make you feel used down the road AND you can provide for any you have at home and your own future...go for it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susann Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 I'd wait for them to ask. I would think that living in his parents basement would be a considerable financial help. And as Cat said, not knowing how the situation came about, does impact how I would advise/react :iagree: On a personal note, this is the situation my stepmom's oldest dd was in 28 years ago. Dad & s'mom bailed them out. 28 years later they are still bailing them out, bil recently finished serving 6 yrs in prison for embezzlement, forgery, my parents retirement has been wiped out and our family has been totally destroyed. I (and several of my siblings) no longer have a father and my dds have grown up w/out grandparents on my side of the family. It did start out innocently enough. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 My parents give each of us adult kids some money at Christmas time. It is very much appreciated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susann Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 As they have proven themselves to be responsible I'd help them in a heartbeat. Maybe I missed something, but choosing to have a baby when you are not financially ready is not, in my opinion, being responsible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 It really depends on the circumstances. If they have been working hard, living frugally, using wisdom and somehow hit a rough spot beyond their control then yes, we would. But if they are spending beyond their means and finally ran out of money, then I'd let them learn the lesson they are supposed to learn. (Especially if they'd been rejecting our advice all along when we could see where they were heading, as I imagine we'd be doling out advice freely ;) ) That said, we'd never let them completely fail to the point of losing their home or go hungry if it was within our means to help in some way, if not with cash. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Georgiana Daniels Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Maybe I missed something, but choosing to have a baby when you are not financially ready is not, in my opinion, being responsible. In general I wholeheartedly agree with this. But I do realize there are times when pregnancy happens regardless of precautions taken. If their regular pattern of behavior is one of acting responsibly, then I would chalk it up to "babies happen." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 My parents give each of us adult kids some money at Christmas time. It is very much appreciated. This. I would absolutely help. If she is finishing up a PhD, I would think that shows considerable maturity and dedication. I would buy for the new baby what I could comfortably afford. I also like the idea about CGs for food. I would do what I could without taking a great deal from the others. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 Since they are really trying hard, I would be quite inclined to help them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 10, 2012 Author Share Posted December 10, 2012 It really depends on the circumstances. If they have been working hard, living frugally, using wisdom and somehow hit a rough spot beyond their control then yes, we would. But if they are spending beyond their means and finally ran out of money, then I'd let them learn the lesson they are supposed to learn. (Especially if they'd been rejecting our advice all along when we could see where they were heading, as I imagine we'd be doling out advice freely ;) ) That said, we'd never let them completely fail to the point of losing their home or go hungry if it was within our means to help in some way, if not with cash. Really? How do you like it when your parents or inlaw's "dole out advice freely"? I'm assuming that also means unasked for. I'm just curious. This is not something I'm comfortable with. Perhaps it's a family culture thing... but most of our extended family does not go around telling other members how to live (except one or two and it's not appreciated by the other members). Maybe your family dynamics work differently though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted December 10, 2012 Share Posted December 10, 2012 When I became pregnant with dd my husband and I were in shock. I had been told that due to a medical condition I would not be able to have children. During my pregnancy I developed pre eclampsia and was not able to work. This was a big hardship for us. We did not ask either set of parents for money but they knew we struggled. We were able to pay our bills however, there wasn't a lot left over. i shopped in thrift stores for all of dd newborn clothes and used coupons and sales to pay for diapers. Our parents started giving us gifts. They were simple gifts that came when we needed them the most, such as an extra pack of diapers or a new outfit for the baby. Our christmas gift from dh parents was a crib. My parents one time gave us movie tickets and watched dd. For Christmas my grandma would send us a gift card to Target that we used to buy laundry soap, shampoo and dishsoap. Today dh and I are doing much better financially and the gifts we receive are different. We had Christmas with the inlaws this past weekend and my mil gave me Fiestaware serving dishes, and while I would never give them up, they just don't have the same special meaning that the box of disposible diapers or shoes for the baby did. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 My mom and dad lent my husband money to finish his education when we were first married. We were going to take out student loans, but they knew we were already paying for the first two years and told us they'd lend it to us interest free instead. After he finished up with a high GPA and got a good job, they forgave the loan after a year. He cried when they told him. His family is stingy with money and refused to contribute money for pizza for our very modest rehearsal dinner. No one had ever done anything like that for him before. My grandparents lent us $3000 toward the down payment on our first house. We paid it all back with interest, and we had written terms. I'm eternally grateful for those boosts. I think the best type of help is the kind that adds scaffolding to a thin spot. Help with the baby would be just the thing. Maybe you could pay for the childcare until your daughter is done with her PHD? Is your SIL going to be an at-home dad? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jar7709 Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 My kids are nowhere near that stage yet, so this is just from my perspective. DH and I have not been given or loaned money directly from our parents, but they have helped us in other ways, like a standing once-a-week daytime babysitting session, and letting us live rent-free at their house while our house was being built and I was pg with DD. The house was finished only two weeks before DD was born and it was a very stressful time...last summer my dad told me that he and mom had considered giving/loaning us some money for the house during that period, but then decided against it when we didn't ask and we appeared to have it otherwise under control. I had not known that before, and I'm glad it has turned out the way it did. Our lives are so entwined with theirs anyway--DH is my Dad's top employee and my mom is the company accountant so they know exactly how much he makes--that keeping at least some small financial distance is a good thing for family harmony. My parents have become entwined with my grandmother's estate financially, and it has been nothing but headaches. That said, they have said many times that if something really sudden comes up, not to hesitate if we need help in that manner. I think it is because we are otherwise so obviously responsible and have been thankful for the other types of assistance that they make that offer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted December 11, 2012 Author Share Posted December 11, 2012 My mom and dad lent my husband money to finish his education when we were first married. We were going to take out student loans, but they knew we were already paying for the first two years and told us they'd lend it to us interest free instead. After he finished up with a high GPA and got a good job, they forgave the loan after a year. He cried when they told him. His family is stingy with money and refused to contribute money for pizza for our very modest rehearsal dinner. No one had ever done anything like that for him before. My grandparents lent us $3000 toward the down payment on our first house. We paid it all back with interest, and we had written terms. I'm eternally grateful for those boosts. I think the best type of help is the kind that adds scaffolding to a thin spot. Help with the baby would be just the thing. Maybe you could pay for the childcare until your daughter is done with her PHD? Is your SIL going to be an at-home dad? I had thought that might be possible but when I asked they said no. They need the money. And, he can't work from home on his one job (I asked about that too) because they just had a round of lay-offs last spring and he just squeaked through. It's not really the type of job that lends itself to working at home anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 This came at a great time for me, thank you! My daughter is 20 and living at home going to college ... she has created a crisis for herself .. .really, all her own doing . . .and is dropping out of college and job hunting, saying she wont stay in college unless I take money out of my savings to pay for her to live on campus instead of in our house (about a half hour drive, but she swears its an hour). My husband is livid - he made it clear when we got together that he would not be supporting my kids, so I would work - which was fine by me. But things happen, and he finally ok'd me staying home for a year, and then another, and then Ok'd the homeschooling for 5 years . . . we've been spending everything he makes, just on bills and homeschooling and tuition for dd's college . . . I was wondering if maybe I SHOULD give her some money and he's LIVID . . . but really, she has been making bad decision after bad decision, being rude to us, refusing to talk to us about anything . . . Its so hard being a mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 Maybe I missed something, but choosing to have a baby when you are not financially ready is not, in my opinion, being responsible. From my experience Babies sometimes arrive without being chosen. and sometimes it is when you are in the most stress that they make their unexpected appearance Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 This came at a great time for me, thank you! My daughter is 20 and living at home going to college ... she has created a crisis for herself .. .really, all her own doing . . .and is dropping out of college and job hunting, saying she wont stay in college unless I take money out of my savings to pay for her to live on campus instead of in our house (about a half hour drive, but she swears its an hour). My husband is livid - he made it clear when we got together that he would not be supporting my kids, so I would work - which was fine by me. But things happen, and he finally ok'd me staying home for a year, and then another, and then Ok'd the homeschooling for 5 years . . . we've been spending everything he makes, just on bills and homeschooling and tuition for dd's college . . . I was wondering if maybe I SHOULD give her some money and he's LIVID . . . but really, she has been making bad decision after bad decision, being rude to us, refusing to talk to us about anything . . . Its so hard being a mom! :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 If you are able to purchase items they will need (like a stroller or carseat), that is a wonderful way to help. I also agree with applethyme that buying a box of diapers here and there, or providing meals when you visit them, are wonderful ways to help them out. Also, going shopping with DD after the baby arrives and offering to pay for what she has chosen after it has been rung up at the register would be a nice way to help. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Luanne Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I don't know if anyone said this yet since I don't have time to read this entire thread. I think something people forget it that things are very different now than they were when we were young and newly married. When I first married, my husband (at that time) was working part-time seasonal work and I had a full-time job that didn't pay exceptionally well and yet we were still able to afford a used car and rent on an apartment. We were just getting by, but even with as little money as we made, were still able to get by. There is no way under those circumstances now we could afford anything. Everything is so much more expensive now than it was then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 This came at a great time for me, thank you! My daughter is 20 and living at home going to college ... she has created a crisis for herself .. .really, all her own doing . . .and is dropping out of college and job hunting, saying she wont stay in college unless I take money out of my savings to pay for her to live on campus instead of in our house (about a half hour drive, but she swears its an hour). My husband is livid - he made it clear when we got together that he would not be supporting my kids, so I would work - which was fine by me. But things happen, and he finally ok'd me staying home for a year, and then another, and then Ok'd the homeschooling for 5 years . . . we've been spending everything he makes, just on bills and homeschooling and tuition for dd's college . . . I was wondering if maybe I SHOULD give her some money and he's LIVID . . . but really, she has been making bad decision after bad decision, being rude to us, refusing to talk to us about anything . . . Its so hard being a mom! I don't think you should give her any money. She is trying to blackmail you by threatening to drop out of college if she doesn't get her way about living on campus. If she wants to live on campus, let her get a job and pay for it. If her circumstances were different, I would have suggested that you help her, but as it is, she's throwing a tantrum and I wouldn't give in to her demands. Honestly, I would counter her demands by informing her that if she drops out of college, she'll have to immediately get a job and pay for her own apartment because she can't live for free at home if she's not in college. (Two can play the blackmail game!!!) I have to side with your dh on this one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I have a brother who has been enabled over and over again and has taken advantage of my parent's generosity. So I'd tread carefully about the occassional help vs. having a child making adult decisions based on the fact that the parent will always be there to bail them out. I think the one off help, like buying baby basics, meals, etc are wonderful and good ways to help. Getting regularly involved in the finances of a married couple doesn't seem like such a great thing. And I've seen it lead to some unusual and unhealthy family dynamics as time goes on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflymommy Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 It really depends on your own financial circumstances. I see nothing wrong with helping them as long as they're making an effort of their own. I wouldn't completely support an adult child but there's nothing wrong with helping. My parents lent us the down payment for our first home we paid them back within a year or two. They gave us a used car of their and when we were first married bought us a very used car. They also paid our first 6 months of rent after marriage. So not an insane amount of money but it was very helpful. We are ok financially now but my sister and her husband struggle. I've often wondered why my parents don't help them out a bit (or his parents who are well off). I hope to be able to help her family myself in the near future but we still have a heavy mortgage and other debt over our heads. HTH. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted December 11, 2012 Share Posted December 11, 2012 I will try very hard to respond to the OP and the issues in the thread without getting (too) political. I firmly, absolutely, wholeheartedly believe that today's world is different; financially and otherwise. To expect a family to "make it" through all challenges and stages without help from the government, churches, friends or family is a cruel twist on "self reliance." I believe in *community*. I'd help my kids if they needed it. HOW I help them would depend on the issues surrounding the need. Some options include; 1. Gift 2. Loan 3. Small payments, offered on an established pattern as long as certain requirements are filled (this I would use if the dilemma was created by them). 4. Help in other ways (give an older vehicle, furniture, etc) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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