mooooom Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I know this is going to get long and complicated, but here goes. My family's big holiday is Thanksgiving. It is always at my parents hours (3hrs away) and always with the same people (close friends - college friends of my parents and their (now grown) children). One of these grown children was recently diagnosed with a form of cancer that has a high percentage of survival rate but intensive chemo treatment that sounds pretty awful. He will be in the hospital on T day but his wife and small child will still be coming - at his request. There are other extenuating circumstances as well, involving the hurricane (other members of this family injured and w/o power for extended periods, house damage, etc) My 3 kids are all college freshmen (which has been somewhat traumatic). My first son came home this weekend and, of course, immediately got sick. I would not be a bit surprised if this happens to the other two as well. I was told, over the phone by my parents this evening, that anyone sick would have to stay upstairs during T so that the wife of the chemo patient would not get sick. Normally I would probably consider just staying home, but my dd is in school 3.5 hours further away and was getting a ride to my parents house, and has no way of getting the rest of the way and she has been very homesick and REALLY NEEDS to see us. So the logical part of me is trying to deal with this but the mommy part of me is thinking that she doesn't want her child/children locked away during the big family holiday because someone else who isn't even related can't get sick, and that my parents have chosen "strangers" over their own grandchildren, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amy g. Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't see it as your parents choosing friends over family. They are just doing their best to fulfill the wishes of a sick friend. Leave anyone who is sick at home, and anyone who is well can go to your parents Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 She's not choosing strangers over their own grandchildren. They are showing grace and mercy to some very long time friends of the family who has grown up sharing this holiday with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annandatje Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't see it as your parents choosing friends over family. They are just doing their best to fulfill the wishes of a sick friend. Leave anyone who is sick at home, and anyone who is well can go to your parents How fortunate you are to have such thoughtful parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 She's not choosing strangers over their own grandchildren. They are showing grace and mercy to some very long time friends of the family who has grown up sharing this holiday with you. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 How would you like your parents to handle this? Should they explain to the wife of the cancer patient that she is no longer welcome? I am really puzzled by your reaction. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 She's not choosing strangers over their own grandchildren. They are showing grace and mercy to some very long time friends of the family who has grown up sharing this holiday with you. :iagree: In a life and death struggle, these are the gifts we give. Go pick up your dd and be gracious about it. Make a different memory with your family this time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 It's not friends over family. It's danger over comfort. I think that it was nice of her to explain this in advance, and that even bringing someone who is ill into the home of elderly parents is a bit of a compromise. It's really tough, I know. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mooooom Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 logistically, we just can't drive 6-7 hours to pick up dd, bring her home and then do it again 2 days later so that she can go back (and the other two need rides to get back to school). And I keep wondering how this woman is going to feel if she finds out people were sent upstairs so that she could come for T. I wish I could think of something we could just do as a family while they were over to get out of the house and let them enjoy their meal, but where can you go on T to hang out for 4-5 hours? We are supposed to be spending several days visiting. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Could you take the sick ones and head to the movies? A couple of movies and you've passed your time and can come back and enjoy your visit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StartingOver Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 My mother passed in 2007 from cancer, I made the last two holiday dinners for her, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I cooked at her house the day of for just her husband, and the one child living at home. I had Thanksgiving the next day at my house for all the other family members including my own children and grand children. I know it isn't the same, but I would do it again in a moment for only a friend and not only for my mother. Sometimes it is more important to be there for a friend who is going through so much. This whole post just makes me want to cry. I applaud your mother. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKidAcademy Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 The movie theater will probably be open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ghee Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 The movie theaters are usually open, you could also do a meal at a restaurant (many serve holiday meals.) My concern is this: You say you will be there for several days. Will you be staying there BEFORE the meal? If so, you will have presumably been all over the main part of the house (unless your parents want him to come in and go straight to the bedroom?) spreading germs. Unless your parents are going to go over everything with a disinfectant, I can't see that she won't come into contact with your germs. Granted, with the amount of people it sounds like they have...she is going to come into contact with germs. Anyway, *I* (were I them) would go the route of telling her that she is welcome and wanted BUT you guys are coming to stay and someone sick will have been in the house. Let her and her family make the decision on what to do. Or, could you just go up after the meal and stay a day or two? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMA Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't understand why you would even bring your dd to your mother's house if she is sick. It doesn't matter if there is a cancer patient there or not. You would make everyone else sick anyway. Is your dd getting a ride on Thanksgiving Day? If she is not, I would just go later in the weekend for the day she gets her ride. I would give dd time to recover. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I think I would try to remember that this could be the last Thanksgiving this woman and her child have with her husband, and I would want her to have good memories. If it meant me staying home and my homesick college student spending Thanksgiving at her grandparent's house without me, then so be it. If it meant me going for the visit and finding something to occupy me for a few hours on Thanksgiving while the lady and her kid have a nice holiday dinner, then I'd put on a happy face and do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 First of all, I can't imagine having 3 kids go off to college the same year. Golly, you have my sympathy and hugs! I went through chemo years ago, and I also had to be very careful with whom I came in contact, particularly during cold and flu season. There were many playdates and get togethers that my whole family had to miss because other people were sick. It's not easy on anyone, that's for sure. I think it's sweet that your parents are opening their home to this family, and at the same time I understand your feelings of being (possibly) excluded from your parent's get together. I think it's unrealistic to expect anyone to remain upstairs for the duration of the meal, and quite honestly, if I were the visiting wife I would feel mortified that my presence had resulted in such an exclusion. So, my first thought would be to go get DD, and have a lovely time at home together. If this is really not a possibility, then I think you go to your parent's house, get DD, and find a movie to watch together, and a bite to eat. There are plenty of restaurants that serve T-giving meals. Then, when the guests have left you can return to your parents. I wouldn't get hurt feelings from the situation. Just try your best to accomodate the reasonable need to not contaminate people, while not hiding away upstairs, which to me is unreasonable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I would not travel to any function with other people with somebody who is sick. If your son is sick, but not severely, so that he can stay home alone, he should. If he is too ill, a parent should stay as well - the rest of the family can travel to your parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 How fortunate you are to have such thoughtful parents. And people that sick shouldn't come visit family to infect them, either. College freshmen can stay home being reasonably sick all by themselves (i.e. if they are well enough to travel and eat turkey, they can be at home resting, too.) I hope you find a way to have a happy Tgiving, and go with a warm heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I want to get the facts straight. Your ds is sick. He is home with you now. Your dd is getting a ride to grandma's. Grandma's is a 3 hour drive. Family friends who cannot be around germs will be there on TG. Let the woman have TG at grandma's. Order a TG dinner for just your family from neighborhood grocery ( prepared turkey and sides). Drive to grandma's, pick up dd and bring her home for Thursday and friday. Eat the dinner you purchased with your immediate family. Play some board games and enjoy each other again. Take dd back Saturday so she can catch her ride back to school Sunday. Then you have Sunday to drive your other two dc bck to their schools. No it won't be the same. The food won't be as special. BUT you get more time with just your dc whom ou haven't seen in a while. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chepyl Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 We had someone at a sleep over who had very sick siblings, mom came to pick up kid with a feverish child, stayed for an hour to chat....all attendes and families ended up VERY sick. My kids were down for 10 days! Don't take a sick kid to a family event. Be thoughtful of other people. Maybe he will be better to travel in a couple days and you can have your visit a little late. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 :iagree: In a life and death struggle, these are the gifts we give. Go pick up your dd and be gracious about it. Make a different memory with your family this time. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Eh, so the sick Son-of-a-Friend can't make Thanksgiving due to treatment, so your temporarily sick kids are being asked to skip (sort of skip? take their meal on a tray upstairs?) so that the Wife and Child of Son-of-a-Friend can have a "normal" Thanksgiving. Hmm. Well as a parent I'd be wanting to make Thanksgiving as nice as possible for my kids -- they have their needs too, and that might be no trip to your parents, other than to pick up your daughter. Not sure why they think putting a sick person upstairs is a sufficient quarrantine? Any of the people in your household could be carrying germs (how old is the little one? toddlers are particularly not hygiene conscious) So if they imagine she's safe from illness just because the people currently passing the potatoes are not sick, I think that's unrealistic. Why isn't she spending a makeshift Thanksgiving with her sick husband? Yeah, not traditional, but if it were me I'd rather have that company than send my spouse and child off to my parents' friends to attempt a "normal" Thanksgiving. It's already not normal, why pretend that it is? Anyway, OP, I feel your discomfort, not sure why everyone else thinks your parents quarantine-thing is a great plan, but I don't see the wisdom in imagining you can banish germs to an upstairs room while leaving the poor sick relative in the hospital. If I were that guy's PARENT I'd be wanting to have some sort of celebration with him, not with YOUR parents. I'm not really getting it, but I think you should do what you need to do for your own kids. Yeah it's a break from tradition, but that's going to happen anyway. Good luck, and Happy Thanksgiving! (I used to drive 7 hours home from college for Thanksgiving and that sort of stunk, but I was glad I was able to do it!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I understand that holiday is important to you, but I'm with the crowd of not taking a sick person to a holiday gathering. Cancer bites, I've had it. Trying to avoid people during treatment and afterward bites. I only had radiation and my spleen removed and my doctor told me I'd have basically zero immune system for two years. Even years later I will catch everything when confined with a group and someone is ill. I would turn this into a holiday for your immediate family, at least this year. Go pick up dd at your parents, kiss your mother, and go home and celebrate. Kind of bites, but I wouldn't ruin the holiday for your family by making them feel like they were slighted by their grandparents. People get sick, it sucks. I've spent many of the last major holidays sick because of my lousy immune system. My 20th anniversary was nibbling on a taco after I pried myself from bed. It's not fun that I missed a nice dinner date with dh, we haven't had the chance to go out since then. But in the end, it's just a day. Thanksgiving is about being thankful for what you have, sounds like you have a close and caring family. Celebrating that in a different place doesn't negate how wonderful they are. I don't mean this to sound like a lecture, really. Kind of working out my thoughts too on illness and holidays and families. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Honestly, if the kids were sick, I wouldn't bring them anyway. It would be miserable for them to travel, and there is the risk of getting anyone there sick as well. :iagree: Believe me, if any of your kids are sick, NO ONE wants them at Thanksgiving dinner, not just the wife of the cancer patient. Go pick up your dd and deal with the inconvenience of the long drives. Sorry to sound so heartless, but it irritates me to no end when people bring sick family members to family holidays. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Perhaps your Dad could drive your daughter half way and meet you. I don't think you should take your sick son to your parents house, chemo patient or not. No one wants to get sick. I know they are your parents, but it doesn't seem right to go there with a sick college kid, though I understand that the transportation thing for your daughter is an issue. I would talk to them about possible transportation issues and ask for their help with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChristineW Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Sick family members should stay home. SIL brought her sick son to TG last year (norovirus) and we all got terribly sick. In our case, it wasn't life threatening. Here it could be. Your DD could catch a ride and stay with the grandparents to avoid getting sick or you could pick her up from the grandparents and bring her home. Christine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
somo_chickenlady Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Eh, so the sick Son-of-a-Friend can't make Thanksgiving due to treatment, so your temporarily sick kids are being asked to skip (sort of skip? take their meal on a tray upstairs?) so that the Wife and Child of Son-of-a-Friend can have a "normal" Thanksgiving. Hmm. Well as a parent I'd be wanting to make Thanksgiving as nice as possible for my kids -- they have their needs too, and that might be no trip to your parents, other than to pick up your daughter. Not sure why they think putting a sick person upstairs is a sufficient quarrantine? Any of the people in your household could be carrying germs (how old is the little one? toddlers are particularly not hygiene conscious) So if they imagine she's safe from illness just because the people currently passing the potatoes are not sick, I think that's unrealistic. Why isn't she spending a makeshift Thanksgiving with her sick husband? Yeah, not traditional, but if it were me I'd rather have that company than send my spouse and child off to my parents' friends to attempt a "normal" Thanksgiving. It's already not normal, why pretend that it is? Anyway, OP, I feel your discomfort, not sure why everyone else thinks your parents quarantine-thing is a great plan, but I don't see the wisdom in imagining you can banish germs to an upstairs room while leaving the poor sick relative in the hospital. If I were that guy's PARENT I'd be wanting to have some sort of celebration with him, not with YOUR parents. I'm not really getting it, but I think you should do what you need to do for your own kids. Yeah it's a break from tradition, but that's going to happen anyway. Good luck, and Happy Thanksgiving! (I used to drive 7 hours home from college for Thanksgiving and that sort of stunk, but I was glad I was able to do it!) I'm sorry, but I totally agree with this. Why on earth do they think that just b/c the sick person is in an upstairs bedroom that the lower floor will be safe from germs?? It won't be, the germs will still be there, and they could still get sick from them, regardless if the child is upstairs or not. I understand that this person's spouse has cancer. It sucks, I get that, but simply asking a sick person to go to an upper floor while the cancer affilicted person's family is there, in order to prevent the spread of disease, is ridiculous. Just by the sick person stepping foot onto the property could spread the illness. Why do you think that in hospitals, they put on gowns, and foot coverings, and masks, and all that? Because you need all that to prevent the spread of illness, even in an otherwise healthy person. There are a TON of diseases that spread even before a person shows symptoms, so even if they had the grandchild sit upstairs, the other people in the room could possibly be sick but not showing symptoms at that very second, so the cancer patients family could STILL be spreading illness. I know that the cancer patient requested that the family go to these peoples' house, but why on earth would they even do that? If it were me, I would want to spend it with my family member that may not be there for the same holiday the next year...and yes, I do see it as the grandparents picking friends over family. I may be a little sensitive to this, b/c I am a CNA (so I know about spread of disease), and my parents have spent my whole life picking their friends over their family, and playing second fiddle to my parents' friends and even my sister's friends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mooooom Posted November 21, 2012 Author Share Posted November 21, 2012 Thanks everyone, The thing is that sick adults seem to show up everywhere, and they just don't get to close to people (I had an an interview last week where the woman refused to shake my hand because she was sick, but the interview went on - half the people in my office have a nasty cold and they still come in to work - I think maybe when you stay home with your kids you forget about things like that) so I wasn't thinking that bringing him there would be an issue as he is old enough to know not to get close to people. And he is not sneezing or vomiting or doing anything to spew germs through the air at top speed. In fact he went on antibiotics yesterday because of a low white count so there is a chance he would wake up feeling a lot better. And this woman works, and her son goes to daycare, so its not like they are spending most of their time locked up in a clean bubble. And there is no way that I would leave my 18yr old son, who goes to school 7 hours away and whom we have not seen since Aug, home, or upstairs. As well, my mother is doing the "White Christmas" thing and I fear will be very upset if we don't show (and upset could be a 6 months affair). Movie theatres are definitely a good option, thank you - I hadn't even thought of that. It just makes me wonder about my childhood, and whether my parents would have left me upstairs when I was a kid at a major family event (as opposed to staying home with me in solidarity) and that messes with my head, to think that maybe things weren't as I remembered them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 :grouphug: I understand how you feel, and I can imagine feeling the same in a similar situation. I don't like feeling resentful or hurt though, so I'd probably reason that my parents weren't intending to cause problems or hurt me, and would work on feeling magnanimous. I would have to work on it though :tongue_smilie: . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Another Lynn Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Maybe I'm missing something.... if she's around "casual germs" (i.e. daycare) all the time, if your son will have been on anti-biotics for 24 hours (and sounds like he will), if he's not vomiting, has no fever, and is even feeling better.... seems to me like he should go and be part of the meal and everything else..... no need to quarantine? Hope this turns out to be the case and the day goes well for you :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Maybe I'm missing something.... if she's around "casual germs" (i.e. daycare) all the time, if your son will have been on anti-biotics for 24 hours (and sounds like he will), if he's not vomiting, has no fever, and is even feeling better.... seems to me like he should go and be part of the meal and everything else..... no need to quarantine? Hope this turns out to be the case and the day goes well for you :) :iagree: Your ds shouldn't be contagious by tomorrow morning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I'm afraid cancer trumps homesickness, and playing the they're-not-family card seems mean especially when you're talking about people who have always shared this holiday. All that aside, you shouldn't need a compelling medical reason to keep your sick kids at home. It makes no sense to intentionally infect everyone else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nakia Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Thanks everyone, The thing is that sick adults seem to show up everywhere, and they just don't get to close to people (I had an an interview last week where the woman refused to shake my hand because she was sick, but the interview went on - half the people in my office have a nasty cold and they still come in to work - I think maybe when you stay home with your kids you forget about things like that) so I wasn't thinking that bringing him there would be an issue as he is old enough to know not to get close to people. And he is not sneezing or vomiting or doing anything to spew germs through the air at top speed. In fact he went on antibiotics yesterday because of a low white count so there is a chance he would wake up feeling a lot better. And this woman works, and her son goes to daycare, so its not like they are spending most of their time locked up in a clean bubble. And there is no way that I would leave my 18yr old son, who goes to school 7 hours away and whom we have not seen since Aug, home, or upstairs. As well, my mother is doing the "White Christmas" thing and I fear will be very upset if we don't show (and upset could be a 6 months affair). Movie theatres are definitely a good option, thank you - I hadn't even thought of that. It just makes me wonder about my childhood, and whether my parents would have left me upstairs when I was a kid at a major family event (as opposed to staying home with me in solidarity) and that messes with my head, to think that maybe things weren't as I remembered them. Well the fact that he's on antibiotics makes a huge difference! Now it seems there's no reason that you all can't join the family and eat dinner with them, as long as your son feels up to it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 The wife of the cancer patient is probably being pretty irresponsible going around large groups of people at this time of year, if her husband is supposed to remain germ free. If I was that wife I would stay home and take my immediate family to see him. I would have TG in my own home and explain to hubby that I didn't want to risk catching something and then getting him sick. Since she is obviously not doing that...I would skip this year and have my own immediate TG with my children only. I wouldn't be huffy but would say to them that since my kids are sick and don't want to travel to sit upstairs, and that it wouldn't be much of a hedge against germs anyway...we would graciously stay home that year. Edited to add: I would def. NOT leave my homesick kids at home without me on TG. That would be big NO for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 I don't see it as your parents choosing friends over family. They are just doing their best to fulfill the wishes of a sick friend. Leave anyone who is sick at home, and anyone who is well can go to your parents Right. This, exactly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 My mother passed in 2007 from cancer, I made the last two holiday dinners for her, Thanksgiving and Christmas. I cooked at her house the day of for just her husband, and the one child living at home. I had Thanksgiving the next day at my house for all the other family members including my own children and grand children. I know it isn't the same, but I would do it again in a moment for only a friend and not only for my mother. Sometimes it is more important to be there for a friend who is going through so much. This whole post just makes me want to cry. I applaud your mother. Totally agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Thanks everyone, The thing is that sick adults seem to show up everywhere, and they just don't get to close to people (I had an an interview last week where the woman refused to shake my hand because she was sick, but the interview went on - half the people in my office have a nasty cold and they still come in to work - I think maybe when you stay home with your kids you forget about things like that) so I wasn't thinking that bringing him there would be an issue as he is old enough to know not to get close to people. And he is not sneezing or vomiting or doing anything to spew germs through the air at top speed. In fact he went on antibiotics yesterday because of a low white count so there is a chance he would wake up feeling a lot better. And this woman works, and her son goes to daycare, so its not like they are spending most of their time locked up in a clean bubble. And there is no way that I would leave my 18yr old son, who goes to school 7 hours away and whom we have not seen since Aug, home, or upstairs. As well, my mother is doing the "White Christmas" thing and I fear will be very upset if we don't show (and upset could be a 6 months affair). Movie theatres are definitely a good option, thank you - I hadn't even thought of that. It just makes me wonder about my childhgruyereood, and whether my parents would have left me upstairs when I was a kid at a major family event (as opposed to staying home with me in solidarity) and that messes with my head, to think that maybe things weren't as I remembered them. I think your mom is a very kind woman, but she is being overly cautious. If the family was being very, very careful about the husband's second or third hand exposure to germs, I could see it. But they are already exposing themselves to sick people if the child is in daycare and she is working. I'd give my mom a gentle reminder of that fact. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted November 21, 2012 Share Posted November 21, 2012 Could you take the sick ones and head to the movies? A couple of movies and you've passed your time and can come back and enjoy your visit. This is what I would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 If it were me, I would have my dd go to Grandma's (she already has a ride, right?) and then I would go up that night or Friday, after the guests had left. Ideally, no, don't take the sick person anywhere, but on the other hand, if Grandma doesn't care and not going would be more of topic of strife, then I'd just go after and then hang out for a few days with Grandma and dd. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 I would add that having kids in college often means a lot of chaotic driving around holiday time, and it does mean that you've often got to re-think the arrangements, even if no one is sick. You often end up having to drive them both to and from school, in the space of a few days. If your kids are at different schools, it's even more complicated. It's a lot of driving, especially if you're not used to it. To begin this stage of life times 3 all at once, is quite a transition to make. Be open with your dc about how this is going to take some adjusting to, and work together with them to create a holiday that works first for your immediate family, then for anyone else you choose to spend it with. Find things to do in the car to make this time valuable to your relationship. Listen to podcasts or an audio book, or sing your way through Sound of Music. Your dc have 4-5 short years of still thinking of your house as "home" - they may very well end up living somewhere else once they graduate. Savor these years and make them work as best you can. You will have more time with them at Christmas. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Being immuniocompromised with a rare liver disease (a simple cold or flu can hospitalize me)... I would feel horrible knowing that all of this craziness is going on behind the scenes. It sounds like the cancer patient is telling the wife and kids to GO celebrate Thanksgiving. She most likely does not want to. And if she is still working daycare or her kids are in school... the hospital protocol asks them if they show any symptoms of a virus, they cannot visit. I'm sure she is taking care during cold/flu season too. If anything, the OP's mom just sounds kind and over-the-top hypervigilant? Yes, the OP's ds should stay home if he is ill (even with antibiotics). My MIL did the same for us when we visited her home. She means well and is worried the friend will ruin her chances of seeing her cancer-struck loved one. OP, just roll with it for this year. Who knows what fate lies for these friends? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizzie in Ma Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 She's not choosing strangers over their own grandchildren. They are showing grace and mercy to some very long time friends of the family who has grown up sharing this holiday with you. We dealt with this a lot over the last three years while my sister in law was battling cancer. It wasn't easy but we never missed an opportunity to see her unless we had to and having some of us there was better than none of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 The general rule is 24 hours of being on an antibiotic or being fever free. I recall being ill on Thanksgiving and staying upstairs. I napped watched tv and my mom came to visit me often. It was boy awful. I felt puny and weak and not up for all the chatter and hubbub of th day anyways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 It just makes me wonder about my childhood, and whether my parents would have left me upstairs when I was a kid at a major family event (as opposed to staying home with me in solidarity) and that messes with my head, to think that maybe things weren't as I remembered them. This is not a particularly helpful (to you) line of thought. It is speculation that you can't get an answer for, and serves to only reinforce your negative perspective. I think, maybe, part of the problem for your reaction is how you frame/orient family and relationships. Clearly this relationship to your mom is equal to family. It seems on your end, it is not. I think your reaction to what Mom should do hints to possibly some competition, or certainly to the expectation that blood family trumps long term friends. The other thing, if you are willing to use thoughts of a different kind on the topic, is that one of your mom's best friends, for her adult life is dying. For a person who values those types of relationships at the same level as family, that is a scary place. Your Mom is also processing this event. Mom is also possibly in a life-space in which processing the sicknesses of her peers can be present. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HSMom2One Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 If it were me, I would have my dd go to Grandma's (she already has a ride, right?) and then I would go up that night or Friday, after the guests had left. Ideally, no, don't take the sick person anywhere, but on the other hand, if Grandma doesn't care and not going would be more of topic of strife, then I'd just go after and then hang out for a few days with Grandma and dd. :iagree: This is exactly what I would do. Wait a day or two, then go be with the family and enjoy the rest of the holiday break. Your mom sounds like a very caring person who really loves her friends and family. What a blessing in your life! I hope you will soon be able to recognize that as an asset rather than a problem. Blessings, Lucinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted November 22, 2012 Share Posted November 22, 2012 Joanne has wise words. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 i came to see what you'd decided to do. i hope it all worked out as well as it could..... giving thanks, ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted November 24, 2012 Share Posted November 24, 2012 I'm wondering, too! Whatever you did, I hope you had a great Thanksgiving! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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