miscarriage related- can I have some advice?

[NanceXToo]

My kids did not know we were trying to have another baby. They never knew about the ectopic I had last summer. I did not plan to tell them I was pregnant either time until I was out of the first trimester just so I didn't have to risk getting their hopes up and giving them bad news.

 

I think my 11 1/2 y/o daughter knows something is up. In early pregnancy I've been tired and dozing off most afternoons. She knows I lie down a lot. I coincidentally got sick and just got over a double ear infection and really bad sore throat so she was just kind of told I didn't feel well.

 

But she also saw me going to a lot of "appointments" that I don't usually do- all the HCG blood tests where I'd come back with a bandaid, the doctor's appointment, running to the hospital to get results, and so on.

 

Yesterday she asked why my husband was going with me to the doctor.

 

Later she said, "I want to know why you went to the doctor this morning." I said "For a checkup." She said, "I don't believe you."

 

Now I expect to be kind of emotional and off for a while due to currently miscarrying. We had also planned to go to the lake Monday but not sure I'll feel up to it, and even if I do go I can't swim as dr suggested not using tampax, and she'll be disappointed if we don't go.

 

I'm kind of torn. Part of me thinks just keep coasting along, that she doesn't need to know this sad news (nor do I want a million "are you pregnant again yet?" questions in the future) and that it'll all blow over. But part of me thinks that it might be better to just have a talk with her and tell her the truth, because even though it will be sad for her, at least she won't be worrying that something bad is going on that I'm keeping from her. Who knows what is going through her head already.

 

So I could use some advice. What would you do?

Edited May 26, 2012 by NanceXToo

[The Girls' Mom]

:grouphug: First, I'm sorry about the miscarriage.

 

I would tell her. She would be needlessly worring about something even worse going on. If she's old enough to figure out something is wrong...

[freeindeed]

I have a daughter that same age, and I would tell her. I have been through two miscarriages (between the births of my oldest and said daughter). My oldest knew about both of them and was actually very supportive and helpful to me as I dealt with the pain and sadness. I am so sorry you are going through this. I will continue to pray for you and your family.:grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

For me it would depend on how mature and able to handle this type of news your daughter is.

 

I have some kids who would be okay with it, and it would make them relieved to know that nothing "serious" was going on. (I mean that in a life-threatening type of way, not that your emotions are not very tender right now)

 

Other kids would really be upset.

 

Have you though about just giving her a general "Yes, I am having some medical issues right now. The doctor says I'll be fine, but I just need a few weeks to heal. Everything is just fine."???

[momto2Cs]

:grouphug: First, I'm sorry about the miscarriage.

 

I would tell her. She would be needlessly worring about something even worse going on. If she's old enough to figure out something is wrong...

 

:iagree:

[FairyMom]

:grouphug: I'm so sorry, Nance.

 

As far as your daughter, only you know her ability to handle things. If she doesn't know you are officially trying, you could just tell her you had a miscarriage and asks if she has any questions. At that age, she will let you know how far to go with explanations.

 

Again, so sorry. :grouphug:

[snickelfritz]

:grouphug: First, I'm sorry about the miscarriage.

 

I would tell her. She would be needlessly worring about something even worse going on. If she's old enough to figure out something is wrong...

 

:iagree:

Her imagination could have her worrying about something even more horrible.

 

:grouphug: I'm very sorry.

[chepyl]

I am so sorry! I would tell her. If she is like some 11 year old girls I know, she may build up a worse scenario in her head and it will cause her a lot of stress and worry. She will be sad, but I am sure she will be a big help too.

[catz]

:grouphug: First, I'm sorry about the miscarriage.

 

I would tell her. She would be needlessly worring about something even worse going on. If she's old enough to figure out something is wrong...

 

:iagree: Since she's sensing something is off, I would clear it up for her for sure.

[NanceXToo]

Thank you. You all are right, I think I need to just tell her. It's better than her potentially worrying I'm hiding some life threatening illness from her or something. I just wanted to make sure some unbiased people felt the same way, because I'm already going to feel a little guilty for having to put sad news like that on her shoulders, even though she's not what you'd think of as overly sensitive in general.

 

I just texted my husband to explain this to him and will wait for his thoughts before I talk to her, but I do think I need to.

[goldberry]

So sorry to hear about what happened...I hadn't kept up with the other thread.:grouphug:

 

I agree with telling your DD.

 

A friend gave me some good advice last year when my DD was 12. My brother passed away, and I was really trying to "shield" DD from my emotions and sadness. My friend said that DD was old enough to learn how to be a support to someone, and that by letting her do that for me (in a limited way, not overwhelming to her), I would be honoring her. She also said it would build up my DDs own self esteem and sense of who she was and the role she had in the family. Her advice was 100% correct. The experience really deepened my and DDs relationship and I saw some remarkable maturity and wonderful qualities grow in her.

 

Just a thought!

 

:grouphug:

[Rebecca]

:grouphug:

 

I just went through this. :(

 

My son had just turned twelve.

 

He was so aware of everything and asking so many questions. Exactly the same,- questions about doctor appointments- even notes I had laying on our counter...

 

I shared a lot with him and sought to answers all his questions as best I could.

 

I ended up needing a D and C and so my family had to come in to our town earlier than planned.

 

He needed to know.

 

It was hard. But it also helped. We shared the sorrow together.

 

I am so sorry. I hope miscarriage is not your path.

 

Rebecca

[NanceXToo]

So sorry to hear about what happened...I hadn't kept up with the other thread.:grouphug:

 

I agree with telling your DD.

 

A friend gave me some good advice last year when my DD was 12. My brother passed away, and I was really trying to "shield" DD from my emotions and sadness. My friend said that DD was old enough to learn how to be a support to someone, and that by letting her do that for me (in a limited way, not overwhelming to her), I would be honoring her. She also said it would build up my DDs own self esteem and sense of who she was and the role she had in the family. Her advice was 100% correct. The experience really deepened my and DDs relationship and I saw some remarkable maturity and wonderful qualities grow in her.

 

Just a thought!

 

:grouphug:

 

This is a really good point. My 6 y/o is young enough to "shield" but my 11 1/2 year old, not so much. She's more aware in general. She will probably be a help to me but like you said this may also help her in a way, to know she can be important in that way, and to know that I am honest with her, and also probably by not fully shielding her from every bad thing in her pre-teens and teens, she may learn better to cope and handle things as she gets older. I don't know. Just waiting to hear back from hubby who may be in the middle of an appointment, I don't want to do it without his approval, but hopefully he will see my point and agree to it.

[PentecostalMom]

:grouphug: First, I'm sorry about the miscarriage.

 

I would tell her. She would be needlessly worring about something even worse going on. If she's old enough to figure out something is wrong...

 

 

 

:iagree:

[hsmamainva]

I think she's old enough to know.

 

And then she can do things like bring you a magazine or a glass of iced tea, etc. and feel helpful at a time when her help is needed.

[Halftime Hope]

I was almost exactly that same age when my mom had a miscarriage. I remember being sad with her and I'm glad now that I was able to share that with her and love her. I vividly remember reading a lot with her on her bed, her to me and me to her.

 

She was on bed rest for a couple of days before the event, so it would have been pretty difficult to keep it from me.

 

If your daughter is reasonably mature, I'd let her know. what about the younger dd? Would it be awkward if one knows but the other doesn't?

 

ETA: I'm so, so sorry!

[NanceXToo]

Ok, heard back from my husband. He said that she is still relatively young and he had hoped not to make her have to deal with stuff like this, and he feels when he was young he had too much adult emotional stuff to deal with and wished he hadn't had to. But he understands that she already knows something is up and that it may be better to just tell her, so he's leaving it up to me. But he said if I want to tell her, he would like us to tell her together, so going to wait until later when he comes home. Or the morning if she ends up sleeping at her friend's house tonight, which she might. But we will tell her soon. Thanks for the advice!

[SKL]

First, I'm sorry for what you are going through. :grouphug: I wish you as much comfort as is possible.

 

I would tell your daughter, especially since she is asking. But, I would probably not get too into the fact that you were "trying" and may try again soon.

 

When I was about 12/13, my mom had something similar happen, but without pee sticks and ultrasounds (this was a long time ago). She told me in a matter-of-fact way and I didn't get upset, just kind of processed it and moved on.

[NanceXToo]

I was almost exactly that same age when my mom had a miscarriage. I remember being sad with her and I'm glad now that I was able to share that with her and love her. I vividly remember reading a lot with her on her bed, her to me and me to her.

 

She was on bed rest for a couple of days before the event, so it would have been pretty difficult to keep it from me.

 

If your daughter is reasonably mature, I'd let her know. what about the younger dd? Would it be awkward if one knows but the other doesn't?

 

ETA: I'm so, so sorry!

 

Thanks for sharing your experience! My younger son is only 6 and takes it at face value if I just say I'm tired or not feeling well, he's kind of oblivious, so I wouldn't tell him, and I don't think that will be awkward.

[OhioMom66]

This is a really good point. My 6 y/o is young enough to "shield" but my 11 1/2 year old, not so much. She's more aware in general. She will probably be a help to me but like you said this may also help her in a way, to know she can be important in that way, and to know that I am honest with her, and also probably by not fully shielding her from every bad thing in her pre-teens and teens, she may learn better to cope and handle things as she gets older. I don't know. Just waiting to hear back from hubby who may be in the middle of an appointment, I don't want to do it without his approval, but hopefully he will see my point and agree to it.

 

I would tell her. I look at it this way, that I assume you want to have a close relationship with your daughter and teach her that she can always come to you about anything and that you will be there for her. You want a relationship built on trust. Right now she already knows something is going on and that you are not telling her the truth. I think not telling her could send her the wrong signal...I expect you to be honest and feel comfortable coming to me, but I don't feel the same about you. Now I certainly understand there can be "adult" issues that are not appropriate for children, but I think this is a situation that I think you can share with her. This is just my opinion.

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby.

[Word Nerd]

:grouphug: I'm sorry. I missed that update in the other thread. :(

 

I think since your DD is asking you should tell her, though you wouldn't need to go into much detail.

[momtoamiracle]

I'm so sorry, I've had four, I know it's rough.

[newlifemom]

Nance,

 

:grouphug: I am so sorry. I am still praying that it isn't, but I know too well those signs. A few thoughts that you may take or leave as you wish.

 

1. I have had several friends bleed heavily with massive clots go on to deliver perfectly healthy [albeit sometimes bratty] children. :D It is not outside the realm of possibility.

 

That said:

 

2. It has never happened to me. Once heavy bleeding started, that was the beginning of the end.

 

3. I have had 9 misses. All of my children [except my youngest who was 2 at the time] know about one of them b/c it occurred at 22 weeks. They handled that loss about as well as a 4, 5, and 9 yr old could. There was no shielding them.

 

4. Perhaps due to the multiple pregnancies and subsequent losses, my oldest started figuring out when I was pregnant. As a result, she knew about my last two losses, which actually turned out to be a blessing in disguise b/c both were pretty brutal. I hemorrhaged with one and couldn't even go upstairs for a week. And the other took so long to happen with rough medicine to bring it on and then a trip to the hospital for a D&C. She was very sad, but also a wonderful help. She kept the littles occupied and let me be alone to grieve. Occasionally she would grieve with me. She helped me to remember that I have 4 living children who loved and needed me.

 

The decision is yours and your husband, but don't underestimate the strength of your dd.

 

One last thing, just b/c my daughter knew, I was careful to not be such an emotional mess that she had to take care of me. Does that make any sense. To be sure a loss is devastating to anyone, but I made sure that while she felt the weight of it a bit, she wasn't overwhelmed with a mom who wasn't functioning to the point she felt she had to carrry the ball of taking care of the family. KWIM?

 

I am praying for you, the baby, her, and your dh. :grouphug: again. If you need to talk, feel free to pm me. One more :grouphug:

[Crimson Wife]

At that age, she's probably worried about you having cancer or something else serious. I think you need to reassure her that you are okay. If you do not feel comfortable sharing about the miscarriage, I would tell her that you have been seeing the gynecologist for a personal issue (which is true) but you are going to be fine.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[mamajag]

I would tell her. She is already suspicious and knows something is wrong. I think sometimes we don't do our daughters a favor hiding things like miscarriages from them. I remember after I had my first miscarriage, people in my family came to me in private and told me they too had miscarriages. None of them knew the others had miscarriages. I told my OB there was no history of pregnancy problems in my family, even.

 

:grouphug: Be gentle with yourself and take the time you need.

[mumto2]

Just wanted to say that I am sorry.:grouphug:

 

Definately tell her something. She is probably very worried. I can argue the need to tell her exactly what is wrong both ways. My children know that pregnancy for me was not easy but they don't know about the miscarriages. Honestly I am not sure I want them to any time soon. I am sorry. :grouphug:

[jg_puppy]

:grouphug: I would tell her. If she is anything like my daughter she already knows. I got pregnant when my oldest was about the same age as your daughter. We were not planning on telling her. She never said anything so we had no idea she knew anything. I went to a doctor appointment and came back to my mom's and my mom told me that my daughter knew. My mom didn't tell her. She had just figured it out on her own. It was much better once I knew that she knew. She was relieved to be able to talk about it. It was hard for her to keep that bottled inside and not be able to ask questions. It was still hard on everyone, but much easier than keeping it private and letting her deal with it on her own.

 

Janet

[Jennifer L]

:grouphug: First, I'm sorry about the miscarriage.

 

I would tell her. She would be needlessly worring about something even worse going on. If she's old enough to figure out something is wrong...

:iagree: I'm so sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

Thanks again, all. We are definitely going to tell her, but not until tomorrow, because she's leaving in a few minutes to sleep at a friend's house and dh wants us to tell her together. I will try to be matter-of-fact about it and encourage her to talk and ask questions if she wants to, and let her be helpful without putting too much burden on her etc. I think she will be okay about it.

[Barb_]

I find that if you don't tell children they truth, they fill in the blanks themselves. What they imagine is invariably worse than the truth.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: So sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

[Mama Geek]

:grouphug:

 

I agree that telling her is the right thing.

[Kathryn]

:grouphug: First, I'm sorry about the miscarriage.

 

I would tell her. She would be needlessly worring about something even worse going on. If she's old enough to figure out something is wrong...

 

This is a really good point. My 6 y/o is young enough to "shield" but my 11 1/2 year old, not so much. She's more aware in general. She will probably be a help to me but like you said this may also help her in a way, to know she can be important in that way, and to know that I am honest with her, and also probably by not fully shielding her from every bad thing in her pre-teens and teens, she may learn better to cope and handle things as she gets older. I don't know. Just waiting to hear back from hubby who may be in the middle of an appointment, I don't want to do it without his approval, but hopefully he will see my point and agree to it.

 

I agree that telling her is the right thing to do. :grouphug:

[Slartibartfast]

I am very sorry for your loss.

 

I would tell her. I wouldn't want tp put her through needless worry. :grouphug:

[gardenmom5]

But part of me thinks that it might be better to just have a talk with her and tell her the truth, because even though it will be sad for her, at least she won't be worrying that something bad is going on that I'm keeping from her. Who knows what is going through her head already.

?

this. she's worried and is probably imagining things far worse than what is the reality. (i.e. cancer) you don't need to tell her anything more than you are pregnant, and heading for a miscarriage. :grouphug: yes you are sad. yes she will be sad. you are a family and love each other and will hug each other through this.

[Catwoman]

I find that if you don't tell children they truth, they fill in the blanks themselves. What they imagine is invariably worse than the truth.

 

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

And I am so very sorry about the miscarriage. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mommy22alyns]

I'm sorry, Nance. I'd level with her. :grouphug:

[madlibs]

I'm so sorry for your loss. If it was me, I would tell the 11 year old. You don't want her to imagine that you are going through something even worse. A couple of years ago when I was sick and didn't tell my dd I found out that she was secretly worried I was going to die, and was too afraid to ask me about it.

 

Robin

[NorCalMom]

First of all... :grouphug: and more :grouphug:.

 

Our dd's are the same age, and I know that I would share it with my dd. She would know something was up and would have more anxiety over not knowing the truth. HTH

[intp4yhwh]

I would tell her. I look at it this way, that I assume you want to have a close relationship with your daughter and teach her that she can always come to you about anything and that you will be there for her. You want a relationship built on trust. Right now she already knows something is going on and that you are not telling her the truth. I think not telling her could send her the wrong signal...I expect you to be honest and feel comfortable coming to me, but I don't feel the same about you. Now I certainly understand there can be "adult" issues that are not appropriate for children, but I think this is a situation that I think you can share with her. This is just my opinion.

 

I am so very sorry for the loss of your baby.

 

:iagree: Yes, the trust part is extremely important. As for her handling it well, she's the oldest, and oldest ones are usually more mature anyway. My mom miscarried when I was 11, and my parents told me - I'd tell her for sure.

[DawnM]

So sorry. :grouphug::grouphug:

[Starr]

I think she'll be relieved that you are not sick. You can share your sadness. I'm so sorry. :grouphug:

[Teachin'Mine]

Thanks again, all. We are definitely going to tell her, but not until tomorrow, because she's leaving in a few minutes to sleep at a friend's house and dh wants us to tell her together. I will try to be matter-of-fact about it and encourage her to talk and ask questions if she wants to, and let her be helpful without putting too much burden on her etc. I think she will be okay about it.

 

I am so, so sorry Nance. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think it's great that you and your husband will tell her together. As sad as the news will be, she's probably been imagining even worse. :grouphug:

[Hilltop]

I am so sorry. :grouphug: I think it is good that you decided to tell her.

[LillyMama]

I had four second-trimester miscarriages in four years. With each pregnancy, I had the sickness and sleepiness and appointments and my young son noticed. The last one looked like we were in the clear, so at 22 weeks we told my then-4 year old son. Then we lost the baby at about 30 weeks. I regretted telling him, he grieved right along with us and still talks about the little sister he has in Heaven.

 

BUT- now I'm glad I told him. I became quite chemically depressed and struggled with disconnecting from my kids. Now that I'm coming out of it, I can have honest talks with him about why I was so sad, how sometimes feelings make us hurt physically, how it was never about him. And then, under the advice of our marriage counselor, we had a little memorial service for this lost baby. It was very cathartic for us all. And I'm hoping that I can teach my son healthier ways to grieve and deal with his feelings than my family taught me. He's only six, but this experience has not made him sad or morose or melancholy. If anything, he feels safer with me because he sees how I'm trying to take care of myself and my feelings in a healthy way.

 

My personal feeling is that kids feel your pain and struggles, no matter how hard we try to mask them. The more open we are with them, the less chance there can be of them internalizing them or even thinking your sadness is somehow their fault. And it allows them to see that you're all one family, and they get to mourn a lost baby, too.

[Random]

:grouphug:

[Mommyfaithe]

:iagree: Since she's sensing something is off, I would clear it up for her for sure.

 

:grouphug: I am sorry. I would definitely, gently tell her. :grouphug:

[amy g.]

When my oldest was 3 years old, my friend was having a miscarriage, and I was bringing her a meal. Dd had been around us enough to pick up on the tension. When I was driving, she exclaimed,"I have to know what kind of sick Miss Mary is!"

 

I told her because I did not want her to imagine something worse, but also that my friend DID NOT want her own 5 year old to find out. She understood, and never told, but she was just born hyper mature.

 

When I had my first miscarriage, I was homeschooling my neighbor's son as well as my own children. I got out the giant anatomy book, and showed them where the egg and sperm meet. I explained that a person could miscarry if there was a defect with either one, or if there was a problem with the process of joining, or in the mother's hormone level after the baby implanted. It was not a fun conversation, but it helped them to see it objectively.

 

The bad part was that my 6 year old would not shut up about it. She told everyone, including the mailman, "we are all very sad today because Mom just had another miscarriage."

 

Now that she is older I can see that is how she processes emotions.

 

Looking back, I'm glad I told them, because they will be more prepared if something similar ever happens to them, and with 4 daughters, the chances are that it will.

 

I'm just so sorry that you lost the baby, and are even in a situation where you have to think about these things.

[JenC3]

Nance last summer I miscarried right before you. I was 9 weeks when I started spotting, but it took a full 2 days days to actually begin bleeding and cramping. Then it took 3 days to fully miscarry. My kids knew I was pg. We told them at 7 weeks b/c I had never miscarried later. They were disappointed, still ask for another baby. My dd cried when I first told her and they want to know where we buried the baby. We did. It was hard, but I think knowledge of this is important. We're Christian. They know our baby just went straight to heaven and we have a beautiful icon a friend painted in remembrance. They don't seem scarred. I did have to go to the hospital for fear of hemmorrage and my MIL stayed with us for a day so I could rest.

 

I would tell her, but it's really such a personal thing you have to decide.

 

:grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

We told her. She handled it fine. We told her I was pregnant but that it didn't work out this time, that in the early weeks of a pregnancy a lot of things can go wrong for various reasons with the development and that there is nothing we or the doctor or anyone could do about it, that it is sad and we are sad about it, but sometimes it just happens, and that was why I had a bunch of dr appointments lately and haven't been feeling that well etc, that I was sad but okay and that hopefully some day there will be a baby but it could take months and no guarantee it would happen etc.

 

She handled it really well- I tried to be pretty matter of fact. She said it was sad but seemed kind of excited about the prospect of a baby down the road. She gave me a hug, agreed to help out as needed and agreed to keep it to herself, though we told her if she wanted to talk about it more, she could always talk to me or her dad, and that was that. She's reading now, she seems fine.