Grover Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 A while back I did a RAOK for a friend and they attributed it to someone else. I didn't say anything because I wanted to remain anonymous anyway so it suited me if they thought it was someone else. Since that time they've formed a friendship with this person (whom they were only distantly acquainted with beforehand) on the basis of this nice thing she apparently did for them. The friendship is somewhat 'fraught' because they don't have a lot in common aside from this nice thing. The first friend is getting more and more stressed out by this new "friend" but knows she must be nice underneath because she did this nice thing for her. So would you out her? Or leave it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I think I'd have to confess.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Is this other person aware they are getting the credit for it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Eeek, how awkward. I think that if this "friendship" was based solely on the perceived RAOK *and* it (the friendship) was causing stress, I would confess. It's not a true friendship if the origin of it isn't genuine and if there is tension otherwise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 What is an RAOK? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cheryl in NM Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 What is an RAOK? Random Act Of Kindness Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 I'd just let it go. If they aren't suited as friends, the friendship will dissolve on its own. If they can get past it, what a lovely gift you've given, even if you were not intending to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetMissMagnolia Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 :iagree: I would probably say something...... awkward though.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 The person claimed she was responsible for the RAOK at the time - not quite in so many words, but she hinted that she knew all about it when it was received. I wasn't there at the time, or I probably would have blurted it out then, but later on my friend was telling me about it and told me that X was behind it. At the time I just thought, phew, I've got away with it... I probably should have spoken up then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 Is there a way you can let her know her "friend" did not commit a RAOK while still remaining anonymous in your good deed? Something like, "This has been bothering me, but I know XYZ is taking credit for that RAOK when she wasn't the one behind it. I know who was but I am really not at liberty to out them. I am only telling you this as I see this 'friendship' stressing you out." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 27, 2011 Author Share Posted November 27, 2011 I guess I could... but it kind of seems petty. I'm also pretty sure the other person would turn nasty if I did say that, and I'd have to 'fess up to end it - I am pretty sure she'd insist that it was her, or that my friend had misinterpreted, and she meant she knew who it was... which she doesn't. <sigh> no good deed goes unpunished. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 27, 2011 Share Posted November 27, 2011 The person claimed she was responsible for the RAOK at the time - not quite in so many words, but she hinted that she knew all about it when it was received. I wasn't there at the time, or I probably would have blurted it out then, but later on my friend was telling me about it and told me that X was behind it. At the time I just thought, phew, I've got away with it... I probably should have spoken up then. Well that's just icky. I was thinking your friend was just mistaken in crediting this other person. I don't know how you can tell her. It could backfire and look like you are making up lies about the person who took credit. I guess you could try to say she wasn't the person who did it, but you can't tell who did. You might have to let it go. Is the person who took credit now in a position to take advantage of your friend or use the friendship to manipulate something? If she were trying to do something as a result of having the ill-gotten friendship, then I might come forward and have some kind of "proof" why it was you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 28, 2011 Author Share Posted November 28, 2011 Is the person who took credit now in a position to take advantage of your friend or use the friendship to manipulate something? If she were trying to do something as a result of having the ill-gotten friendship, then I might come forward and have some kind of "proof" why it was you. She's using the new friendship to get my friend to do all kinds of 'jobs' and things for her, and help her out with all sorts of things (read - do it for her) but my friend has said that she finds these demands difficult and just wants to say no sometimes, but she feels like she should do it because X was so nice to her. X is what I'd call a "taker" - she expects a lot, which is why I've always maintained a distance... I feel bad that my friend has been sucked into this friendship because of me. I think I need to tell her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 She's using the new friendship to get my friend to do all kinds of 'jobs' and things for her, and help her out with all sorts of things (read - do it for her) but my friend has said that she finds these demands difficult and just wants to say no sometimes, but she feels like she should do it because X was so nice to her. X is what I'd call a "taker" - she expects a lot, which is why I've always maintained a distance... I feel bad that my friend has been sucked into this friendship because of me. I think I need to tell her. Yeah, in this case, I'd tell her. If the friend is taking advantage of that misinformation I would do something to protect my friend. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 The person claimed she was responsible for the RAOK at the time - not quite in so many words, but she hinted that she knew all about it when it was received. I wasn't there at the time, or I probably would have blurted it out then, but later on my friend was telling me about it and told me that X was behind it. At the time I just thought, phew, I've got away with it... I probably should have spoken up then. I have had similar things happen. I don't say anything. I figure I did it anonymously because that was what I wanted. If someone else is sleazy enough to take credit for it that is their problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 Oh, given this info, YES, tell her. If you don't wish to say it was you, don't, but this 3rd person is taking advantage of the situation and that is just WRONG! She's using the new friendship to get my friend to do all kinds of 'jobs' and things for her, and help her out with all sorts of things (read - do it for her) but my friend has said that she finds these demands difficult and just wants to say no sometimes, but she feels like she should do it because X was so nice to her. X is what I'd call a "taker" - she expects a lot, which is why I've always maintained a distance... I feel bad that my friend has been sucked into this friendship because of me. I think I need to tell her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AuntieM Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 She's using the new friendship to get my friend to do all kinds of 'jobs' and things for her, and help her out with all sorts of things (read - do it for her) but my friend has said that she finds these demands difficult and just wants to say no sometimes, but she feels like she should do it because X was so nice to her. X is what I'd call a "taker" - she expects a lot, which is why I've always maintained a distance... I feel bad that my friend has been sucked into this friendship because of me. I think I need to tell her. Oh my, that is NOT nice! RAsOF are not intended to make the blessed on feel indebted! I'm wondering if it' not the false giver who needs to be confronted. Hmmm... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OrganicAnn Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 If you don't tell her, then you are letting this other person take advantage of her which is not a nice thing. If you don't tell her, then it kind of negates your random act of kindness. She might not even be telling you all the other persons demands. I would first try to tell her it was not the other person without admitting it was you. If that doesn't work, then I would just have to suck it up and admit it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 I told her. Now I'll wait for fall out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 :grouphug: How did she take it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 She was surprised, and asked if I was sure. I said I was, and we left it like that. Then last night she rang me and said she'd been talking to X and: She said, you must be confused, she said it was her, why would she lie? I said I'm absolutely certain because I know who it really was. She asked how I know they're telling the truth. I said I trust them implicitly :lol: She said she trusts X too, and asked why I don't like her. I told her I know it was not X because it was me. I did not want you to know because I just wanted you to feel loved, not beholden. A RAOK is meant to be just that, random - no one should feel like they have to do anything for the person in return. She said X says it was her, she has no reason to lie to me, why would you do this? I told her who she could check with to verify the sender (it was a secret gift swap which I participated in but asked for my gift to be sent to my friend instead, so the organiser knows who it was). I said I'd told her because I knew she was feeling stressed by some of the things X was asking her to do and I didn't want her to continue to feel in her debt. She cried and said now she didn't know who to believe. Now I feel like cr*p. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Oh my! That certainly didn't turn out like expected. Wow. I cannot believe that other person really believes they were responsible for the ROAK. I'm sorry :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 I told her I know it was not X because it was me. I did not want you to know because I just wanted you to feel loved, not beholden. A RAOK is meant to be just that, random - no one should feel like they have to do anything for the person in return. She said X says it was her, she has no reason to lie to me, why would you do this? I told her who she could check with to verify the sender (it was a secret gift swap which I participated in but asked for my gift to be sent to my friend instead, so the organiser knows who it was). I said I'd told her because I knew she was feeling stressed by some of the things X was asking her to do and I didn't want her to continue to feel in her debt. She cried and said now she didn't know who to believe. Now I feel like cr*p. I had a feeling this could be the result. Your friend will eventually see this woman's true colors. It might take a while. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I had a feeling this could be the result. Your friend will eventually see this woman's true colors. It might take a while. :grouphug: :iagree: If she takes some time to look at this objectively she'll see you had no ulterior motives to taking credit, this other person does. I would cut off contact with the other person, or I would confront her if it doesn't get resolved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 She's using the new friendship to get my friend to do all kinds of 'jobs' and things for her, and help her out with all sorts of things (read - do it for her) but my friend has said that she finds these demands difficult and just wants to say no sometimes, but she feels like she should do it because X was so nice to her. X is what I'd call a "taker" - she expects a lot, which is why I've always maintained a distance... I feel bad that my friend has been sucked into this friendship because of me. I think I need to tell her. In this case, I would definitely tell. That really really stinks. I can't believe someone would take advantage of the situation like that. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I had a feeling this could be the result. Your friend will eventually see this woman's true colors. It might take a while. :grouphug: Yep. I've learned that eventually people will see a snake, but they have to be bitten themselves to figure it out sometimes. It often does no good to try to tell people for their own good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 She cried and said now she didn't know who to believe. Now I feel like cr*p. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I am so sorry. And my jaw is nearly falling off my face at the sheer audacity of X. Is it possible that X also did an act of kindness for the friend and genuinely believes it was she who did something special for friend? 'Cause the other alternative is not only dishonest, it's kind of creepy. No, not kind of, it just is creepy. Cat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I told her who she could check with to verify the sender (it was a secret gift swap which I participated in but asked for my gift to be sent to my friend instead, so the organiser knows who it was). I said I'd told her because I knew she was feeling stressed by some of the things X was asking her to do and I didn't want her to continue to feel in her debt. She cried and said now she didn't know who to believe. Now I feel like cr*p. Is it possible that the other person also gave the same gift for this gift swap and genuinely thinks it was her gift that your friend got? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mcconnellboys Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Ummm, if this person took credit for something they didn't do, I would definitely tell my friend about it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Now I feel like cr*p. you did the right thing. Hopefully, she'll check with the other person and verify X has been the one lying to -and USING - her. Hopefully she'll be able to think more clearly, and see that you only had her best interests at heart. it really is at X's feet for taking credit where it wasn't due so she could take advantage of someone else. (her very blunt reason to lie about it.) she sounds very scummy. eta: I don't know X, but I know her type. it's nice for people to think she may be genuinely mistaken, as opposed to deliberatly taking credit for something nice that she didn't do. however, had she genuinely given this woman an "anonymous" gift, why would she now be demanding the friend do all sorts of things (that are becoming a burden) for her so she doesn't have to do them herself? Edited November 30, 2011 by gardenmom5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 30, 2011 Author Share Posted November 30, 2011 Is it possible that the other person also gave the same gift for this gift swap and genuinely thinks it was her gift that your friend got? That's what I thought at the time, but the item in question is a handmade one off kind of thing. I checked with the organiser at the time because I thought perhaps a last minute change might have happened and X ended up sending to my friend, but no, she wasn't even involved in the swap, and the organiser herself sent to my friend. I had a text from X today: It's your word against mine, no one will believe you, I'll make sure of it. I'm pretty sure I'm not in high school anymore so I don't feel the need to respond. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 That's what I thought at the time, but the item in question is a handmade one off kind of thing. I checked with the organiser at the time because I thought perhaps a last minute change might have happened and X ended up sending to my friend, but no, she wasn't even involved in the swap, and the organiser herself sent to my friend. I had a text from X today: It's your word against mine, no one will believe you, I'll make sure of it. I'm pretty sure I'm not in high school anymore so I don't feel the need to respond. Jaw dropping... :scared: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 I had a text from X today: It's your word against mine, no one will believe you, I'll make sure of it. I'm pretty sure I'm not in high school anymore so I don't feel the need to respond. Don't respond. Your friend could ask the coordinator if she'd like to. You could show her the text. It not something a lady says or does. If it was homemade, do you have scraps of unusual material? X sounds evil, and I'd tell your friend you did it, the coordinator knows X wasn't in it, and the only reason you are saying so is that you are worried about X being a liar/leech, but only say it once, and then let it go. And yes, X has a reason to lie: to get things. ICK. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Your friend sounds like a people pleaser who will buckle before a stronger personality. You can't cure that for her. :grouphug: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Don't respond. Your friend could ask the coordinator if she'd like to. You could show her the text. It not something a lady says or does. If it was homemade, do you have scraps of unusual material? X sounds evil, and I'd tell your friend you did it, the coordinator knows X wasn't in it, and the only reason you are saying so is that you are worried about X being a liar/leech, but only say it once, and then let it go. And yes, X has a reason to lie: to get things. ICK. :grouphug: :iagree:. You're trying to "save" your friend from the burden of being used by X. X is a snake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grover Posted November 30, 2011 Author Share Posted November 30, 2011 If it was homemade, do you have scraps of unusual material? *I* didn't make the thing - I made something to send to someone else, and someone else sent to my friend instead of to me... does that make sense? So I made a swap gift but didn't get one in return, the one for me went to my friend. Apparently I'm nasty now, and I've been uninvited from a Christmas event. Strange times. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Apparently I'm nasty now, and I've been uninvited from a Christmas event. Strange times. :grouphug: I'm sorry. Whatever group you were in that was having the party, this woman was probably already angeling to take over. The group will probably be a completely different entity in another year. This is painful. I think I know how you feel. I had some friends that reverted to middle school behavior a couple of years ago. It was extremely painful to lose these friends and a volunteer activity I loved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plansrme Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 And my jaw is nearly falling off my face at the sheer audacity of X. :iagree: Except that nothing anyone does any more should surprise any of us. I don't know what gets into people. Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remudamom Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) Just drop it. Things will work out. Skip the drama. eta- Well crap. Just finished reading the thread. Sorry you're in trouble. Edited November 30, 2011 by Remudamom Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QuirkyKapers Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 That's what I thought at the time, but the item in question is a handmade one off kind of thing. I checked with the organiser at the time because I thought perhaps a last minute change might have happened and X ended up sending to my friend, but no, she wasn't even involved in the swap, and the organiser herself sent to my friend. I had a text from X today: It's your word against mine, no one will believe you, I'll make sure of it. I'm pretty sure I'm not in high school anymore so I don't feel the need to respond. What the..... Wow... I'm sorry. This stinks. :grouphug: It also stinks to not be invited. I would save the email. I would think it might come in handy sometime since it seems to indicate she is lying. Why send out an email saying that if you had nothing to worry about? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 :grouphug: I'm sorry to hear about your trouble. You know you're right. Your friend is deeply confused. X is horrible. Of course, knowing you're right doesn't actually make it feel any better. I hope your friend can see things more clearly soon. And that X doesn't go out of her way to make more trouble for you. Sounds like it's not too far-fetched just from what you've told us here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwg Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 (edited) ..... I had a text from X today: It's your word against mine, no one will believe you, I'll make sure of it. ....... wow. :grouphug: I will admit there is the teeny part of me that would want to take a screen shot of it including the number and date and post it to FB with a witty caption but I wouldn't. I would just have fun coming up with the captions :tongue_smilie: What a &*!%....... ETA: I really am just joking. I would never do that- It woudl make everything worse I am sure. I would just cheer myself up thinking about it and hope it all blows over soon. Edited November 30, 2011 by kwg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 X is some piece of work. I would probably let the organizer of the event know about her behavior, just as a warning. ;) Seriously this undermines all the good you were attempting to do. How petty!! I can't remember is this an organization that is governing authority? I might even go up the chain to warn about a B***** in wolves clothing. Seriously, these are why groups break up, why people quit giving, and why people quit interacting with each other. Don't forget you did a good deed. That truth will come out eventually. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 They both sound strange and troubled to me. I'd try and quietly exit the drama now, and just drop it. Don't let other people's weirdness suck YOU into it too. Time to move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iucounu Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 You have to use the text. I'd show it to the friend and the person who uninvited me from the Christmas event. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melissel Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 You have to use the text. I'd show it to the friend and the person who uninvited me from the Christmas event. I agree with this. They both sound strange and troubled to me. I'd try and quietly exit the drama now, and just drop it. Don't let other people's weirdness suck YOU into it too. Time to move on. But then I would do this. I agree that if your friend was truly a friend, she'd be able to sort this out for herself and see who was using her and who was truly being a friend to her. I'm so sorry :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: I feel sickened on your behalf :( What an awful thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trish Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 *I* didn't make the thing - I made something to send to someone else, and someone else sent to my friend instead of to me... does that make sense? So I made a swap gift but didn't get one in return, the one for me went to my friend. Apparently I'm nasty now, and I've been uninvited from a Christmas event. Strange times. Wow what a whole strange story. I see you're getting negative blowback from it, but honestly, this X person seems SO creepy I don't see how you could allow the mistaken assumption to continue. Especially in light of the demands, etc. Whether anyone believes you or not, I think you absolutely did the right thing. (I would certainly want to know if I were in the original friend's shoes, although she seems to not be appreciating that fact right now.) Now if she continues the frienship with X, she has only herself to blame. And X's text to you -- no words! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abbeyej Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 ...I'm pretty sure I'm not in high school anymore so I don't feel the need to respond. I think that's very wise. At this point, just stay out of it. If X is as crazy and scary as she seems, your other friend *will* figure it out. Maybe not immediately, but the truth will come out soon. Engaging with X and arguing your case just sounds like a way to feed her while creating stress for everyone else. You've stated the truth, now walk away and let the chips fall as they may. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iucounu Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 She doesn't have to engage with X, and she can actually prove her case, not just argue it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie Sue Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Wow...I'd have trouble letting that go, but I'd definitely not engage X. How odd and creepy! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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