I am crushed. I need advice please

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Dh said I need a hobby. He said when the kids are grown and gone he doesn't want us to be dull and boring :001_huh: My youngest is 5, don't I have time to get a hobby when he is older and I have less responsibility??

 

 

Here is my schedule

 

Up at 630am- dd to basketball at 7am M-F, walk from 7-8 for 'me' time. Home at about 8:15am. Get other 3 kids up, fed, mess cleaned up start school HOPEFULLY by 9:30am. Lunch around 11:30- oldest dd to daily outside class from 12:40-1:40pm. Do any errands FAST within that hour. Get home, clean up, finish school (this takes long because ds1st is my SN kiddo and requires ALOT of time. Plus I have a K'er, 4th grader and 8th grader that needs my time as well), attempt to get laundry done at some point. Get dinner started because by time school is either done or close enough its time to start the evening rush. Dinner & clean up (keep in mind we don't have a dishwasher)

 

 

PLUS:

 

Mondays- ds7 SP 2:30-3:30, dd's play practice 7-8:30

Tuesdays- wrestling 5:45-6:30, dd's play practice 7-830

Wednesdays- Awana and Bible study 6:15-8:30-- about 9 before we get home

Thursdays- ds7 Cub scouts 3:30-4:30 weekly (cutting into school time), dd's play practice 7-8:30

Fridays- ds7 OT 2:30-3:30, ds5wrestling 5:45-6:30, Growing Kids Gods Way seminar (this Friday will be week 3 of 18) 6:30-8:30 (fellowship after the seminar)

Saturdays- grocery shopping, errands not done during week, school catch up day and a day to get caught up in laundry

Sundays- Church, youth group and lesson planning for the week.

 

On top of that ds7 will also begin VT this month and its a 3hour drive 1 way

 

Plus trying to fit in showers and all that in a day.

 

Ok, honestly when can I fit in a hobby?? He called me dull :crying: I am seriously sitting here bawling like a 2 year old. He has been gone for work for nearly 8 weeks straight (home for about 36 hours a week from late friday evening til Sunday afternoon) I haven't seen him since Sunday- he got home this evening (RARE) and he will be leaving tomorrow morning until Saturday some time and leaving Sunday again. I am doing this ALONE. And he called me dull?? I am so crushed. I am supposed to be in bed right now because 6:30am comes early but I can't. I am so hurt, I don't want him to see me crying right now.

 

UGH. When can I fit in a hobby?? Seriously???

Edited October 6, 2011 by wy_kid_wrangler04

[kalanamak]

 

Ok, honestly when can I fit in a hobby?? He called me dull :crying:

 

Two thoughts: he might find your hobby expensive, boring, and a space hog; and, clever minds are bored. Maybe he needs to rev up his mental processes a little.

 

:grouphug:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Your kids and homeschooling are your hobbies right now (as well as your full time job). And of course you have time to get a hobby when your kids are older. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[funschooler5]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Ugh, I hate it when my DH says things like that. I don't think they mean it personally, but that's the way I take it!

 

I can barely find the time for the interests I used to have. I used to draw and paint every day...it's been years since I completed at picture. It's not that I can't find the time, I'm just too exhausted to do anything by the time I get around to it!

 

Sorry, no advice...just commiseration.

[happi duck]

:grouphug:

[Rosie_0801]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Let him hear you cry.

 

And offer to spend that 36 hours he has home being elsewhere. He might find he prefers you to be at home being dull. :glare:

 

 

What hobbies did you used to have?

What hobby does he want you to have?

 

I've told my hubby the same thing. He spends a few minutes at the end of his work day reading through the news headlines so he has something to say, and we're working through the old Dr Who episodes. They're only 25 mins long, so we can do that together even if we are tired. When my toddler grows up a little, I'll go back to carrying needlework around in my handbag.

 

I really do think he's being unreasonable, but hey, at least he told you, right? :( You can't create hours per week to devote to whatever it is you want him to do, but there are things you can do in small snatches of time. Of course, if you choose to/ are able to do any of those things, he is under obligation to appreciate it! No "That's nice dear, but I don't really care about your needlework." No "All politicians are useless, I don't want to talk about politics."

 

Have you tried asking him to read whatever it is you guys are reading for school, so he is involved in that? Put your money (or reading time) where you mouth is!

 

Did he call you dull? Or was he musing on the future, far into the future? Maybe he doesn't think you are dull so much as intimidating!

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Rosie

[Pippen]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Let him hear you cry.

 

And offer to spend that 36 hours he has home being elsewhere. He might find he prefers you to be at home being dull. :glare:

 

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Rosie

 

I'm with Rosie. This isn't a time to hide your feelings, and a few days away "to develop a hobby" would be really great for you right now. Cheerfully tell him he's right and book a short trip for next time to explore new hobbies and broaden your life so you won't grow dull.

 

I say this gently and by all means ignore completely if it's off base, but perhaps this isn't about a hobby at all. It would be incredibly difficult maintaining a marriage with a schedule like the two of you have right now.

[Tress]

I obviously don't know your husband, so maybe I'm completely off, but if my husband would tell me something like that, it would be because he heard some story about/from someone who found his/her life dull after the children had grown up. In other words, it would be a worry about something that might happen in the future and not be a reflection on your situation today. But, yeah, *not* helpfull when you are so incredibly busy and, yeah, I would be emotional too. :grouphug:

 

However, if you *want* a hobby, this would be the perfect time to ask him to take over some of your duties so that you can do something not related to kids or homeschool. Not sure if that would work...with my husband it wouldn't :glare:, but its is worth a try!:D

 

HTH,

[WishboneDawn]

What your husband really meant, "Honey, I see you working hard and being really committed to the kids but I'm a little worried you're not taking any time for yourself or your interests. When the kids are gone I want us to be able to enjoy ourselves and each other so why not get a start on that and find something you enjoy doing besides the homeschooling?"

 

And you know what? I think he's right. Of course now that he's said that he now has an obligation to help you find something you enjoy on your own so your response might be, "I've been thinking about what you said. You're right. I need something of my own. But I need some time so can you look after the kids at this time on this day?"

[jennsmile]

My mom has taken up line dancing and square dancing since becoming an empty nester. Her and my dad attend they local theaters and go to plays. She stays busier than me. I would ask for a night off so you can work on your hobby if he thinks it is that important.

 

:grouphug:

[Rebecca VA]

I think it's sweet that he said he doesn't want *both of you, collectively* to get dull and boring. Why don't you ask him if he can suggest a hobby for you? Maybe you could pursue a hobby together?

[keptwoman]

What your husband really meant, "Honey, I see you working hard and being really committed to the kids but I'm a little worried you're not taking any time for yourself or your interests. When the kids are gone I want us to be able to enjoy ourselves and each other so why not get a start on that and find something you enjoy doing besides the homeschooling?"

 

And you know what? I think he's right. Of course now that he's said that he now has an obligation to help you find something you enjoy on your own so your response might be, "I've been thinking about what you said. You're right. I need something of my own. But I need some time so can you look after the kids at this time on this day?"

 

:iagree: I'm just following Dawn about and agreeing with her.

[WishboneDawn]

:iagree: I'm just following Dawn about and agreeing with her.

 

That's an excellent plan! :D

[nono]

With your schedule I think I'd be a bit miffed, too, if my dh said something like that.

 

With me being me, though, I'd approach my dh happily this morning and tell him that I figured out what my hobby was going to be: smoking pot while doing the laundry. And I'd ask him if he has any to share. Because clearly, he'd already been smoking some when he thought about my schedule and thought a hobby (A HOBBY???) would be the solution.

 

DUDE, get me a helper. Not a hobby. Oh, and one doobie wouldn't be a terrible thing to throw in while you are getting me a helper. :glare:

 

 

:grouphug: to you.

[Margo out of lurking]

...

[LaxMom]

With your schedule I think I'd be a bit miffed, too, if my dh said something like that.

 

With me being me, though, I'd approach my dh happily this morning and tell him that I figured out what my hobby was going to be: smoking pot while doing the laundry. And I'd ask him if he has any to share. Because clearly, he'd already been smoking some when he thought about my schedule and thought a hobby (A HOBBY???) would be the solution.

 

DUDE, get me a helper. Not a hobby. Oh, and one doobie wouldn't be a terrible thing to throw in while you are getting me a helper. :glare:

 

 

:grouphug: to you.

 

I was thinking largely the same.

 

Honestly, I doubt he has any concept of what you do all day. I mean minute to minute, to-do list, keeping the household running sort of stuff. I really don't know the moment to moment details of my husband's work life, though I did the same thing way back in the day (but not as an officer) and we chat frequently while he's there.

 

And he's probably bored and looking for things to do while he's away for extended periods. I don't see where he called you dull. Perhaps he has seen retired empty nesters who do nothing but watch game shows and converse at length about the temperature of their food and it threw him into a "oh no, that could be us in x years, if we don't develop some interests in something outside work and the kids" panic.

 

I would be inclined to give my husband my daily schedule and ask him where he thought a hobby might fit in a " I think you might be delusional or high" way, but I don't think I'd be too hurt over it.

[Karenciavo]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

In what context did he say dull? That he finds you dull?

 

Gently, and take this from someone who does not know either of you at all. If my dh had been gone for weeks, left me alone to do everything, returned home and called me dull, I would have to wonder if this is a serious threat to my marriage. I would expect sympathy and understanding, not to mention appreciation. And I would expect the short amount of time we had together to be spent enjoying each other's company. Separations can be incredibly stressful; reunions can too. But I would be concerned exactly what he might be finding interesting.

 

:iagree: :grouphug: I think another conversation is needed.

[mom2scouts]

Your new hobby could be training your husband to understand that he will seriously regret every saying anything like that again. :lol:

[WishboneDawn]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

In what context did he say dull? That he finds you dull?

 

I'm wondering if what was said was what the OP first related, that he didn't want them to be dull and boring when the kids were gone and the OP has translated that into meaning he thinks she's dull NOW.

 

If he didn't say that specifically, chance are with him being a man and all, that's NOT what he meant. He likely meant exactly what he said.

[*Lulu*]

:grouphug:

 

I am so sorry. From what you posted it is hard to know if your DH's comments were part of a pattern of foot-in-mouth disease, a reaction to something ongoing in your relationship, or a sign that stress has disabled his ability to appropriately react to his wife's needs. :grouphug:

 

I generally try to give my DH the benefit of the doubt whenever he says something that has a possible kind explanation. Then again, my DH, a sweet, smart man who deals all day with all sorts of people diplomatically enough to have kept his position for 10 years, has the the social IQ of a freaking eggplant when it comes to sharing his opinions with me.

 

I hope you find a way to express how you feel to your DH, and that the two of you can figure out what he actually meant and the best way for him to make it up to you. You could tell him your new hobby will be watching "Snapped" and taking notes on how it should be done. (This revelation best delivered with a scary sweet smile and a plate of something no one else is eating. :D )

[Ewe Mama]

:grouphug:

[laundrycrisis]

You don't need a hobby - your DH needs an attitude adjustment. Tell him exactly WHAT he is behaving like, and that raising his kids with next to no help or moral support from their other parent is draining, so SORRY you don't have time to be INTERESTING for him as well.

 

Dh said I need a hobby. He said when the kids are grown and gone he doesn't want us to be dull and boring :001_huh: My youngest is 5, don't I have time to get a hobby when he is older and I have less responsibility??

 

 

.....

 

UGH. When can I fit in a hobby?? Seriously???

[Rivka]

With me being me, though, I'd approach my dh happily this morning and tell him that I figured out what my hobby was going to be: smoking pot while doing the laundry. And I'd ask him if he has any to share. Because clearly, he'd already been smoking some when he thought about my schedule and thought a hobby (A HOBBY???) would be the solution.

 

DUDE, get me a helper. Not a hobby. Oh, and one doobie wouldn't be a terrible thing to throw in while you are getting me a helper. :glare:.

:lol: I like the way you think!

[2squared]

Dh said I need a hobby. He said when the kids are grown and gone he doesn't want us to be dull and boring :001_huh: My youngest is 5, don't I have time to get a hobby when he is older and I have less responsibility??

 

This is completely my perspective coming from my own life.....

 

My life is full of very similar things to yours, just with younger kids. I am dull and boring. I don't really have much outside the walls of this house or beyond my children to talk about. I consider my dull and boring status to be a problem, and I hope to move in another direction in the next year. I need something beyond what I have now. I know my dh sees it, and he is trying to help me. Our life was much easier for the few moments we had everyone over 2yo, so I am crossing my fingers that we can get to that point again.

 

I would worry about my marriage except my dh knows how much work five young dc are. He also sees broken family situations at work everyday, so he comes home with an appreciation for what he does have here with me. At the same time, I know I need to evolve beyond my mom-of-many-small-children role.

 

Your situation may not be the same, but I thought I would bare my inner thoughts for a moment.

[CalicoKat]

keeping up with all that happens on the forums could be considered a hobby. :D Otherwise you might miss the troll hunts, conversations about brazilians & wearing shoes in the house. And all those polls lately!

 

You HAVE a hobby!

[FO4UR]

Does he want something (hobby) that he can join you in? I mean, he probably feels like a fish out of water discussing math/writing with a TWTM mom. Bowling or jogging or _______ ...he could look like your stud when he can join you. If he wants a hobby WITH you...I'd be finding one...one that can be dropped/picked up as you have time together.

 

Does he have a hobby? Can you join him on his instead, even for a few hours a week?

 

 

Maybe this was his *ignorant* way of asking to spend more time with you outside of Family Stuff.

[love2read]

I'm in my 50s, didn't develop a hobby/skill when my children were younger and now regret it. I still find it hard to make time for a hobby, but can see it brings great pleasure to my friends who create beautiful things. My knitting is just so-so and not appealing, I can't paint, draw, sew very well, etc. I want to be at a place where I can do those things beautifully, but it will take time and I do wish I had started at least in my early 40s.

 

What about telling your dh that your hobby now is scripture study (it looks like it is) and in the meanwhile look around for a hobby. Have your kids take over the chores (really) and start thinking about a hobby then see if he'll buy you supplies for Christmas or your birthday. Best wishes!

[twoforjoy]

I'm going to give your DH the benefit of the doubt here. If he'd said, "You need a hobby because you're boring," I wouldn't. But, I'd assume that, for some reason, he was thinking about what life will be like for you guys after the kids are grown, and just offhandedly thought that you guys will need hobbies.

 

Do you have hobbies that are on hold right now because of your other responsibilities? Or is your DH concerned because he's not aware of any hobbies you would like to be doing?

 

I don't know, if you really aren't interested in developing or restarting any hobbies, I'd tell him that, and let him know that you'll have time when the kids are older. (I have a number of hobbies, but with two under two, they're going to be mostly on hold for a bit.)

 

But, I think you could also see this as an opportunity. If your DH is encouraging you to (re)start a hobby, then I'd say he's got some responsibility for providing the time for you to do so. You have a really packed schedule, and maybe you could use this as a way to figure out, with your DH, how you could get some downtime to yourself.

 

I just think sometimes husbands can say something very well-intentioned and sometimes even right in the worst possible way. My husband said something to me at one point about how he thought I should spend more time working on some writing projects I'd talked about working on. Now, I'd talked about them a while before that, and there were two babies who came after, and I just didn't have the time or mental energy to do it. I was really hurt, and felt like what he was saying was that how I was spending my time was worthless. But, when I told him that, and we talked about it, that really wasn't it, at all. His "you should be writing more" was, in his mind, an invitation to help me out so that I could write more. It was his very clumsy way, he thought, of telling me that he was willing to take on more childcare/household duties, so I could pursue things I was interested in, rather than how I took it, which was as "Hey, you need to figure out how to do everything you're already doing AND write a novel while you're at it."

 

So I'd probably try to interpret this in the best possible way, and maybe see it as an opportunity to figure out places where maybe your DH can help you out and give you more time for you.

[kwickimom]

:grouphug: I am dull and boring too.

 

Tell him you will go get a hobby, and the write up a list of things he will need to attend to at the house and how much time you will need on your own to get said hobby :)

 

Some men just don't get it. I had to give up my hobbies when I decided to homeschool. I don't have time for them, I don't have room in my brain for one and we don't have the money now. My DH wants me to get one, but for positive reasons, and I just can't right now. If I have one more thing I have to do I will scream. Homeschooling is my hobby. Well, I do go shotgun hunting with him and that is a great stress reliever let me tell ya ;)

 

Maybe he just means something for you guys to do together??? Because what if you pick knitting as your hobby? Will that make you WAY more exciting? :001_smile:

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Thank your for all the ideas and understanding.

 

I don't have alot of time at the moment, this is my walking time but its raining outside. I used to be big into photography- and other things that I DON'T want to get back into :001_huh: He knows that when my youngest is older then I would LOVE to get back into it! Right now we don't even have a good camera (ahem, dd now 4th thought it was waterproof when she was about 2 and took a bath with it :eek:) Anyways-- Right now we don't have the money to get back into that even if I wanted right now. Between everything else I do I am also re-educating myself. He does not consider that a hobby :confused: Beyond that I simply don't have the energy. I am exhausted getting between 5-6 hours of sleep every night. 6 hours is rare, 5 is more the norm there are times where its less than 4 (like last night)

 

 

I was very tired and emotional last night. He did not call me dull presently, he said he does not want me to get dull (us)

 

I have read all the posts-- and thought about everything everybody has said. I am going to get him off to work this morning. There is a slight possibility he will be home late tomorrow night but more than likely it will be Saturday. Anyways- I am going to see if we can go out sometime and just talk. Hopefully I will not be so emotional then. It hurt, bad, when he said that. I am sure this was not what he meant but it felt like he was saying "Your not good enough, you need to do more or else I will be unhappy"

 

 

Wishbone Dawn, thank you for your translation- I REALLY hope that is the case!!

[DawnM]

My husband has said that before, but usually after I complain about being bored or staying at home.

 

He doesn't get it. If I really wanted a "hobby" I would go back to work. I can still work and have my credentials all in tact and ready to go.

 

I do sew but it isn't my favorite thing to do.

I do cook but it isn't my favorite thing to do.

 

Dawn

[Ottakee]

I do agree with Dawn and others that most likely dh did NOT mean you were boring, etc. but rather that he doesn't want to see that in the future--maybe as he is seeing in other people.

 

I do see GREAT value in spending time alone with your spouse--even little bits of time, when you have small kids and esp. when you have one with special needs.

 

DH and I had a good marriage--no fights, no disagreements, etc. but I was honestly so busy with the kids at points that we really didnt' do much together outside of kid stuff. My best friend took it upon herself to watch the kids every week or so for a few hours so dh and I could get some time.

 

Could your dh feel like you are drifting apart and when the kids are gone you guys won't have anything in common, etc.?

[texasmama]

You walk for exercise an hour a day. I'd call that a hobby. Might not be the one he would choose, but it is a hobby in my book.

 

I'm not sure that scrapbooking or singing in a choir would make you a more interesting person or prepare you terribly for when your kids are grown and out of the house.

 

My husband recently decided that I needed to take up his particular exercise program with him because I needed some stress relief. I thought that was wonderful that he recognized I might need some stress relief, but I told him that his plan for me wasn't MY plan for me...and asked him how he would like it if I planned for him to take up scrapbooking for stress relief. He didn't mention it again.:D

 

Husbands can be very odd creatures.

[Melinda in VT]

It sounds like you are a wonderfully dedicated mom who is spending all of your time and energy focused on their needs.

 

But.

 

Your kids aren't little anymore. It's not a bad thing for them to clean up the kitchen after dinner and do the laundry so Mom can have some time to pursue her own interests. It's also not a bad thing for them to be unable to participate in a sport or activity for a season so Mom can be the stage manager for the local community theater production this month or take a Zumba class on Friday nights or join a monthly book club.

 

Just because an activity is offered at church doesn't mean God wants your family to participate. You need space in the schedule to just *be* and I'm not seeing it.

 

I get stressed just looking at your schedule. It could be that your DH is seeing that you need some time to fill up your own cup a bit. Don't be afraid to shake the schedule up to make room for that time. :grouphug:

[Nakia]

If my husband said that, I would have a very hard time showing as much grace as many here have shown to your husband. I would be very hurt and very offended.

 

I'm sorry. I have no advice. :grouphug:

[Starr]

Tell him when the kids are gone he'll be your hobby. ;)

[Impish]

What your husband really meant, "Honey, I see you working hard and being really committed to the kids but I'm a little worried you're not taking any time for yourself or your interests. When the kids are gone I want us to be able to enjoy ourselves and each other so why not get a start on that and find something you enjoy doing besides the homeschooling?"

 

And you know what? I think he's right. Of course now that he's said that he now has an obligation to help you find something you enjoy on your own so your response might be, "I've been thinking about what you said. You're right. I need something of my own. But I need some time so can you look after the kids at this time on this day?"

 

I'm wondering if what was said was what the OP first related, that he didn't want them to be dull and boring when the kids were gone and the OP has translated that into meaning he thinks she's dull NOW.

 

If he didn't say that specifically, chance are with him being a man and all, that's NOT what he meant. He likely meant exactly what he said.

:iagree:

Here's the thing...

 

So many times Moms esp dedicate themselves and sacrifice themselves to their family, esp kids. Then when the kids are grown and gone, they're lost.

 

I can totally see being concerned about what happens next, how will you connect, what will you do when the kids no longer need you as they do now? His choice of wording might not have been the most wonderful, but it sounds like he doesn't want to end up with the two of you with nothing to talk about, nothing in common, etc. He's probably even thinking about you having an identity seperate from Mom, so that you're not devestated when the children DO grow up.

[fairfarmhand]

What your husband really meant, "Honey, I see you working hard and being really committed to the kids but I'm a little worried you're not taking any time for yourself or your interests. When the kids are gone I want us to be able to enjoy ourselves and each other so why not get a start on that and find something you enjoy doing besides the homeschooling?"

 

And you know what? I think he's right. Of course now that he's said that he now has an obligation to help you find something you enjoy on your own so your response might be, "I've been thinking about what you said. You're right. I need something of my own. But I need some time so can you look after the kids at this time on this day?"

 

:iagree: I doubt he meant it the way it sounded. I could see my dh saying something similar, especially a few years ago when I was more in the habit of hiding my hurts from him.

[fairfarmhand]

It sounds like you are a wonderfully dedicated mom who is spending all of your time and energy focused on their needs.

 

But.

 

Your kids aren't little anymore. It's not a bad thing for them to clean up the kitchen after dinner and do the laundry so Mom can have some time to pursue her own interests. It's also not a bad thing for them to be unable to participate in a sport or activity for a season so Mom can be the stage manager for the local community theater production this month or take a Zumba class on Friday nights or join a monthly book club.

 

Just because an activity is offered at church doesn't mean God wants your family to participate. You need space in the schedule to just *be* and I'm not seeing it.

 

I get stressed just looking at your schedule. It could be that your DH is seeing that you need some time to fill up your own cup a bit. Don't be afraid to shake the schedule up to make room for that time. :grouphug:

 

and this too.

 

5 yrs old is not THAT little. And teach you family the value of downtime, and this it is equally important for mom to have fun stuff too.

 

 

Now if you keep this schedule because YOU love, it that is fine, but if you are doing it because you want to make your children happy or whatever...you may want to reevaluate.

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

In what context did he say dull? That he finds you dull?

 

Gently, and take this from someone who does not know either of you at all. If my dh had been gone for weeks, left me alone to do everything, returned home and called me dull, I would have to wonder if this is a serious threat to my marriage. I would expect sympathy and understanding, not to mention appreciation. And I would expect the short amount of time we had together to be spent enjoying each other's company. Separations can be incredibly stressful; reunions can too. But I would be concerned exactly what he might be finding interesting.

 

Unfortunately, I agree. At the very least, he does not appreciate the hard work you are doing every day. Gosh, isn't being responsible and reliable boring? This attitude heralded my DH's midlife crisis, from which our marriage is just barely surviving. I would take this as something is not right.... with him.

[Julie in CA]

I would like to give my dh the benefit of the doubt if he said that to me. I'd try desperately to believe that he meant it for my good. Honestly though, if my dh were traveling a lot for work, came home and saw my crazy-full but rather mundane life, and the word that came to his mind about me was "dull", I'd be seriously worried for my marriage and wondering what he was finding so exciting when he was out.

 

:grouphug::grouphug: I hope that's not the case, but I'd try to carve out a little bit of private time to broach the subject and find out what he really *meant* to say.

[Mimm]

I've always wondered about women whose entire lives revolve around their kids with no free time to pursue interests of their own. I think it's unhealthy. I wouldn't say dull. There's nothing dull about all the running around you do. But I think our husbands want to see us as separate people from all the mothering we do, knowing that at some point, it's going to come to an end and the two of you will be left together to enjoy each other's company. Kids can take over your life to such a point where you kind of lose yourself in the chaos. He might be thinking "Well, who are you without all that?" I think it's important that couples talk about things other than the kids, do things without the kids, and have interests that don't involve the kids. Not frequently, not the majority of the time (that can be unhealthy in another direction).

 

So even though your feelings are hurt (rightfully), I would take this as a nudge to look at what you like to do and carve out some time for it. Even if it's something you've never done before but always thought might be fun. A hobby doesn't have to take over your life and you don't have to devote huge amounts of time to it. But you could really come to appreciate the little bits of time you do get to do something fun and not-kid-related. :)

 

:grouphug: Sorry he wasn't very diplomatic about it. Men are so clueless sometimes. :)

[MelanieM]

I would try not to read more into this than what was actually said. He didn't call you dull. He said he wants you to have hobbies so that *neither of you* ends up dull when the kids have left the nest. I've had those same conversations with my husband, where *I* was suggesting that we better not find ourselves like those older retired couples that don't have anything to talk about and barely know each other -- or don't want to know each other.

 

Talking about how to ensure one doesn't become dull 20 years from now isn't the same as suggesting one *is* dull today. Engage your husband in a conversation about this. You might find it far more interesting and helpful than you'd imagine. :grouphug:

[Happy]

A counselor speaking to a friend of mine going through marriage counseling said, 'children can destroy a great marriage.' As in the parents get so focused on the kiddoes, they forget to connect with each other in a meaningful way.

 

If my husband said what your did, I'd be crushed, too. Then I'd be FURIOUS. A little hurricane action does clear the air sometimes... :D Dh travels in his work, so I've been the single mom for a week at a time. It's hard having a guy coming in and out of your life. But when all is said and done, my husband would have meant it as a plea for more time with him AND a desire to make room in my life for things that give me joy.

 

I've always had a business or a few serious hobbies to give me a break from reality. Photography was a business for me that he could also participate in. Gardening is one we do together. We also walk/hike together whenever possible. When our children were mostly grown we took up stained glass. Although this year the changes in our jobs have meant we have hardly had time for any of them. That's the season you guys are in now, I think.

 

On the other hand, my friend said her husband started saying things similar to what your husband is saying. We've just discovered her husband was already having an affair with a much younger woman. :confused:

 

He was an idiot, but it points to a problem both of them had...a geniuine love for their children. They sort of grew apart, became mommy and daddy, and forgot how much they loved each other. Their marriage will survive and be strong again, but what a horrible dent he made in it. All for nothing really.

 

It's time for a serious talk with your husband. He hurt you and you need to understand what's behind that. :grouphug:

[Mimm]

I will say that I'm reading the most boring economics book in existence because my husband commented that he wished I would read certain books so he could talk to me about them. I asked for a recommendation and he told me to get this one... :glare: Thanks honey. ;) Maybe he can turn around and read an Austen book so we can talk about that one next.

[Mrs Mungo]

In what context was this said? Maybe what he really wants is for the two of you to spend some time together in the little time you have together. I would make time for some couple time in the schedule.

[Scarlett]

Dh said I need a hobby. He said when the kids are grown and gone he doesn't want us to be dull and boring :001_huh: My youngest is 5, don't I have time to get a hobby when he is older and I have less responsibility??

 

 

Here is my schedule

 

Up at 630am- dd to basketball at 7am M-F, walk from 7-8 for 'me' time. Home at about 8:15am. Get other 3 kids up, fed, mess cleaned up start school HOPEFULLY by 9:30am. Lunch around 11:30- oldest dd to daily outside class from 12:40-1:40pm. Do any errands FAST within that hour. Get home, clean up, finish school (this takes long because ds1st is my SN kiddo and requires ALOT of time. Plus I have a K'er, 4th grader and 8th grader that needs my time as well), attempt to get laundry done at some point. Get dinner started because by time school is either done or close enough its time to start the evening rush. Dinner & clean up (keep in mind we don't have a dishwasher)

 

 

PLUS:

 

Mondays- ds7 SP 2:30-3:30, dd's play practice 7-8:30

Tuesdays- wrestling 5:45-6:30, dd's play practice 7-830

Wednesdays- Awana and Bible study 6:15-8:30-- about 9 before we get home

Thursdays- ds7 Cub scouts 3:30-4:30 weekly (cutting into school time), dd's play practice 7-8:30

Fridays- ds7 OT 2:30-3:30, ds5wrestling 5:45-6:30, Growing Kids Gods Way seminar (this Friday will be week 3 of 18) 6:30-8:30 (fellowship after the seminar)

Saturdays- grocery shopping, errands not done during week, school catch up day and a day to get caught up in laundry

Sundays- Church, youth group and lesson planning for the week.

 

On top of that ds7 will also begin VT this month and its a 3hour drive 1 way

 

Plus trying to fit in showers and all that in a day.

 

Ok, honestly when can I fit in a hobby?? He called me dull :crying: I am seriously sitting here bawling like a 2 year old. He has been gone for work for nearly 8 weeks straight (home for about 36 hours a week from late friday evening til Sunday afternoon) I haven't seen him since Sunday- he got home this evening (RARE) and he will be leaving tomorrow morning until Saturday some time and leaving Sunday again. I am doing this ALONE. And he called me dull?? I am so crushed. I am supposed to be in bed right now because 6:30am comes early but I can't. I am so hurt, I don't want him to see me crying right now.

 

UGH. When can I fit in a hobby?? Seriously???

 

I haven't read the entire thread, but the big red flag for me is that your marriage if very likely to suffer if he keeps up the schedule he is working.

[kitten18]

In what context was this said? Maybe what he really wants is for the two of you to spend some time together in the little time you have together. I would make time for some couple time in the schedule.

:iagree: It sounds like maybe he wants a hobby for you two to do together.

[laundrycrisis]

I've always wondered about women whose entire lives revolve around their kids with no free time to pursue interests of their own. I think it's unhealthy.

 

This is not directed at you personally, but it is a grain of sand in my pantyhose.

 

This is me. I agree it's unhealthy. But when there is truly NOBODY available to get me out from under the care of our kids for a little while, it is not helpful for me to ponder how unhealthy (or unfair) it seems.

 

If it is a friend telling me this, or a well meaning relative (and they are all out of state), I basically say that unless they are offering a child care solution, I have no way to take their advice.

 

If it was my DH telling me I am boring or will end up boring, I would be asking him what his proposed solution is.

Edited October 6, 2011 by laundrycrisis

[Tammyla]

:grouphug:Sweetie, he needs to know how deeply this hurt you.:grouphug:

 

Dh said I need a hobby. He said when the kids are grown and gone he doesn't want us to be dull and boring :001_huh: My youngest is 5, don't I have time to get a hobby when he is older and I have less responsibility??

 

 

Here is my schedule

 

Up at 630am- dd to basketball at 7am M-F, walk from 7-8 for 'me' time. Home at about 8:15am. Get other 3 kids up, fed, mess cleaned up start school HOPEFULLY by 9:30am. Lunch around 11:30- oldest dd to daily outside class from 12:40-1:40pm. Do any errands FAST within that hour. Get home, clean up, finish school (this takes long because ds1st is my SN kiddo and requires ALOT of time. Plus I have a K'er, 4th grader and 8th grader that needs my time as well), attempt to get laundry done at some point. Get dinner started because by time school is either done or close enough its time to start the evening rush. Dinner & clean up (keep in mind we don't have a dishwasher)

 

 

PLUS:

 

Mondays- ds7 SP 2:30-3:30, dd's play practice 7-8:30

Tuesdays- wrestling 5:45-6:30, dd's play practice 7-830

Wednesdays- Awana and Bible study 6:15-8:30-- about 9 before we get home

Thursdays- ds7 Cub scouts 3:30-4:30 weekly (cutting into school time), dd's play practice 7-8:30

Fridays- ds7 OT 2:30-3:30, ds5wrestling 5:45-6:30, Growing Kids Gods Way seminar (this Friday will be week 3 of 18) 6:30-8:30 (fellowship after the seminar)

Saturdays- grocery shopping, errands not done during week, school catch up day and a day to get caught up in laundry

Sundays- Church, youth group and lesson planning for the week.

 

On top of that ds7 will also begin VT this month and its a 3hour drive 1 way

 

Plus trying to fit in showers and all that in a day.

 

Ok, honestly when can I fit in a hobby?? He called me dull :crying: I am seriously sitting here bawling like a 2 year old. He has been gone for work for nearly 8 weeks straight (home for about 36 hours a week from late friday evening til Sunday afternoon) I haven't seen him since Sunday- he got home this evening (RARE) and he will be leaving tomorrow morning until Saturday some time and leaving Sunday again. I am doing this ALONE. And he called me dull?? I am so crushed. I am supposed to be in bed right now because 6:30am comes early but I can't. I am so hurt, I don't want him to see me crying right now.

UGH. When can I fit in a hobby?? Seriously???