Would you be offended?

[RainbowSprinkles]

Someone posted on FB that she was asked if all her children are from the same father ( she has six, and yes they are by the same man). I was asked this question twice by the same midwife during my third pregnancy and I felt a little insulted. That was the only two times that ever happened to me though and I can't imagine being asked that just by some random person.

 

Maybe I'm just extra sensitive on this topic, because my own mother had 5 children by 3 different men. And I'm proud of the fact that all my children are by my one and only DH.

 

I'm curious if anyone else would feel insulted? What would you answer?

 

:bigear:

 

ETA:I know some women have kids from more than one man sometimes for different reasons. I would never judge them by it. But for me, based on family experiences with my mother, it wasn't something I was/am going to let happen as long as I can help it.

Edited August 24, 2011 by RainbowSprinkles
more info

[newlifemom]

I would be offended, but probably rise above it and not say anything to the offender other than, yes. [At least I think that is how I would respond.]

[mo2]

If it's a doctor asking I'm okay with it. Different fathers mean different genetics and different family histories for the kids. If it's someone asking just because they're nosy, then they don't deserve an answer.

[RainbowSprinkles]

If it's a doctor asking I'm okay with it. Different fathers mean different genetics and different family histories for the kids. If it's someone asking just because they're nosy, then they don't deserve an answer.

 

Yes, I know. But it was the same midwife asking me twice at two different meetings. She really had to ask me the same question twice?!

[mo2]

Yes, I know. But it was the same midwife asking me twice at two different meetings. She really had to ask me the same question twice?!

 

 

Well, to give her the benefit of the doubt (which you totally don't have to do), maybe she saw a lot of patients in between the visits and forgot that she had already asked you that. Or she was lazy and didn't feel like looking through your chart. :)

[Annie]

Yes, I would be insulted.

 

My general replies for nosey and rude questions are:

 

"Why do you ask?" It forces them to talk next, and pretty much no matter what they reply with, you can change the subject. Often times it makes them reconsider what they asked, and they realize it's inappropriate.

 

Or, if I'm feeling less gracious...

 

"Wow, that's really inappropriate." Plain and simple.

 

 

 

ETA: It wouldn't have bothered me from my midwife. Even twice. :)

Edited August 24, 2011 by Annie

[PeacefulChaos]

I've been asked, I do find it offensive, and I answered just with a 'yes'. Sometimes I would add in there how long DH and I have been married, if I was feeling a little edgy. :D

It has a lot to do with the current state of things, I think. Where I choose to go to the dr/hospital/etc, our family is a rarity.

[meggie]

If it was a midwife, I wouldn't be offended. Even twice. They forget things. I liken it unto the kids' pediatrician asking some thing over and over. He STILL calls my baby girl a boy, until I remind him.

 

I've never had a stranger ask me that, but I have a feeling they'd get a "none of your business, fathead" look out of me.

[Margo out of lurking]

I wouldn't be offended. I'd be surprised by such a personal question, depending on who was asking.

 

I could see it as another often stupid, routine medical question. In general though, if someone doesn't know me well enough to know the answer, it's none of their business. I'd probably respond with a surprised look, laugh, and say, "Excuse me? I thought you just asked if my children all had the same father! Haha!"

[MeaganS]

I wouldn't be offended. I would think the question was tacky if it was from a stranger and it wouldn't reflect kindly on them, but I wouldn't be offended.

[Carrie12345]

I would not be insulted with it coming from a midwife. Even if it were twice.

 

From anyone else, yes. My eldest DOES have a different biological father. What run of the mill person REALLY needs to know that? What are they trying to get at?

I mean, really, if someone wants to judge me based on my having had sex with someone else nearly 14 years ago, I've got MUCH more interesting stories to share with them!

[Karen in CO]

Someone posted on FB that she was asked if all her children are from the same father ( she has six, and yes they are by the same man). I was asked this question twice by the same midwife during my third pregnancy and I felt a little insulted. That was the only two times that ever happened to me though and I can't imagine being asked that just by some random person.

 

Maybe I'm just extra sensitive on this topic, because my own mother had 5 children by 3 different men. And I'm proud of the fact that all my children are by my one and only DH.

 

I'm curious if anyone else would feel insulted? What would you answer?

 

:bigear:

I would not answer. Not that it is insulting, it just falls into outside the boundaries of polite conversation. The only times I could think that this would be okay to ask is if you're having a consultation with some medical professional about a genetic health issue or someone is helping you do family history or geneology research.

 

I think it is terribly rude.

[Tarreymere]

Yes, I know. But it was the same midwife asking me twice at two different meetings. She really had to ask me the same question twice?!

 

She probably just forgot to make a note of it. I imagine she was thinking about the genetics and health histories when she asked. I was widowed after my first two children, remarried ten years later and had two more children and then eight years after that divorced my second husband. I am currently married (for the last eight years) to my third husband and have two children with him. From each father my pregnancies and the baby's birth weights were similar, but compared to their siblings with a different father there were bigger differences. Each dad also brought a different health history and family health history into the picture also.

[Impish]

Medical professional, fine.

 

Anyone else can get stuffed.

[rieshy]

My husband got tired of being asked if all the kids are his- which he found intrusive. Now he answers, "Yes, but I don't know who the mothers are."

[Jen in PA]

I have been asked more than once if my dc are both mine since ds looks nothing at all like me, while dd does to some extent. Although they are full siblings, ds looks just like dh's Filipino family members, while dd got red hair and freckles from my side. :D It used to bother me, but now I see it as part of a greater societal shift. There is less of a stigma attached to a lot of things now that would have raised eyebrows in the past.

[Scarlett]

My husband got tired of being asked if all the kids are his- which he found intrusive. Now he answers, "Yes, but I don't know who the mothers are."

 

:lol: That's funny.

 

I think it is a rude question. I hope I would be able to think fast enough to say, 'why do you ask?' A person asking that question has no filterr.....Just because a thought crosses your mind doesn't mean you have to voice it!

[mazakaal]

I would be offended unless it was a medical professional. I wouldn't be surprised by the midwife asking twice. I'd assume that she had forgotten to record it in her notes the previous visit. But I would find the question wildly inappropriate from anyone else. I would probably be so shocked by the question that I would just answer, "yes." I would absolutely affect my opinion of the questioner, though. I like the, "Why do you ask?" response of a previous poster, but wouldn't have thought to say it.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I agree with Impish.

 

This is something I've worried about a bit as it seems to come up as if it is anyone's business why my toddler is hispanic or my 5yr old is black (examples). Really, it is none of anyone's business what the make up of our family is.

 

Unless it's a medical professional. Obviously, then things might matter.

[SonshineLearner]

Well, my midwife asked me if I was being physically abused... at least 2x and possibly 3x. (after I had explained that I had no male partner in the pic... he was a few states away...) The genetics are an issue for different reasons.... and so I'm pretty sure she had a reason to ask... (negative blood type... etc..)

[Scarlett]

I agree with Impish.

 

This is something I've worried about a bit as it seems to come up as if it is anyone's business why my toddler is hispanic or my 5yr old is black (examples). Really, it is none of anyone's business what the make up of our family is.

 

:iagree: People need to THINK about the fact that the child that looks different might be from a different father through all. kinds. of circumstances. What if it is a situation that the family doesn't want to discuss? What if the mom had an affair or was raped? I that some random stranger's (or anyone for that matter!) business?

[stripe]

I don't think there's anything inherently immoral about having children by different fathers, but I also am not sure the question is particularly relevant. I was asked more than 5 times in the first two appointments at a midwife in my last pregnancy (by two different people) if the pregnancy was planned. I honestly couldn't understand why it was worth asking that many times, since I did not express unhappiness about the pregnancy, a desire to harm myself or the fetus, or a desire to consider alternatives to keeping the baby (abortion, adoption). It started to seem judgmental to me and got on my nerves.

 

I was also asked more than 10 times if I was being abused. I am all for domestic violence intervention, but this was out of control. ETA; especially because the question was actually have you ever been abused or raped. I don't think every nurse or doctor is entitled to force a woman to make a confession if she has this in her past, and if she once was abused and is no longer, and suffers no ill after effects, does it really matter?

Edited August 24, 2011 by stripe

[cindergretta]

After our 4th was born, a random nurse came into our room and asked dh if he was our first. Dh laughed and said, "No! Our fourth!" She looked stunned and gasped, "Are they all yours??" I have never (before or since) seen dh get so cold so fast. His expression turned to ice. He glared right through her and said, "Yes."

[Lady Florida.]

I wouldn't be offended, but I can't imagine why anyone would randomly ask that question. So I think it's kind of rude even though it wouldn't offend me, if that makes sense. I can understand a medical professional asking it, only in a professional setting.

 

We have 2 sons (one adult and married), but I'm the biological mom of only one. I've never been asked if they're both mine. Funny, people don't ask that question when you just have 2 kids, even though in our case the answer would be, no they don't have the same mother.

[Lady Florida.]

My husband got tired of being asked if all the kids are his- which he found intrusive. Now he answers, "Yes, but I don't know who the mothers are."

 

:lol::lol:

[SquirrellyMama]

Hmmm, I'm not sure I would be offended. I try and find the humor in these things. I say stupid things so I'm more likely to just assume their filter is turned off that day.

 

Kelly

[SKL]

That is nobody's business outside of your immediate family. I agree with saying "why do you ask?" or, if I was feeling cranky, "are yours?" or "were your parents married when you were born?"

[Scarlett]

Hmmm, I'm not sure I would be offended. I try and find the humor in these things. I say stupid things so I'm more likely to just assume their filter is turned off that day.

 

Kelly

 

Yeah, I also say stupid things....so I might be gracious about it....

[chepyl]

I would be offended by the question. It implies that they think you/the person have cheated on a spouse (if you are married) or that you have multiple partners otherwise. I am proud of the fact that my DH is my one and only. I know a lot of people who can't say that. I have a blonde haired, blue eyed boy and a brown haired, brown eyed girl. People wonder. I set them straight - DD looks like me, DS looks like daddy but got both of our maternal grandmother's eyes. The hair....manhy family members started blonde and darkened as they got older.

 

You never know what you will end up with, you can predict that two brown eyed people will most likely have brown eyed children; but those recessive genes do come out :)

 

My SIL and BIL adopted a baby from Africa. Families don't always look alike. I would definitely be offended.

[SKL]

I am often asked whether my daughters are sisters - in their direct hearing. What the questioners mean is, do they have the same birth parents? The answer to that would be no - if it were any of their business. But what bugs me about the question is that it implies that my kids' relationship as sisters depends on a biological connection. People don't mean any harm, but I wish it were more in fashion to think before speaking about family make-up.

[UnsinkableKristen]

Hmmm, I'm not sure I would be offended. I try and find the humor in these things. I say stupid things so I'm more likely to just assume their filter is turned off that day.

 

Kelly

 

:iagree: and I would take into consideration that the asker may come from a background where multiple fathers are common. I mean, they asked the question instead of assuming an answer. That's a least a step forward :D.

[TravelingChris]

No one has ever asked me that. If people see us all together, no one would question us. I also think it is a lot less likely that they would ask since we are in our late 40's.

[WishboneDawn]

I was asked this at my first appointment with my OB last week. Not offended at all.

 

My general rule is that if I'm not sure I should be offended, it's not worth the effort of being offended anyway. :)

[NanceXToo]

I might think it was a bit of a weird question, but, no, I would not be "offended" or "insulted" if somebody asked it.

[wendybird]

I think it is an offensive question, but I would choose not to be offended. My 3rd child is our only redhead to date. With all my children standing at my side I get asked rather frequently ,"Do they all have the same dad?" My less than desirable response is that I took a break between two and four. I only say it on the inside lol! I usually raise an eyebrow to let them know it is a rude question and make a remark about how interesting genetics can be to give us such an array from the same two parents.(I really do find it fascinating!)

I am sorry you have to deal with that, it really is rude.

[delaney]

I might be offended but since my kids look like little clones I never get that question!:)

[Paintedlady]

I get asked this all the time b/c my kids were adopted. I like to freak them out and tell them that they also have different mothers. :lol: I figure that'll teach them to ask rude questions. :tongue_smilie:

[stripe]

I would be offended by the question. It implies that they think you/the person have cheated on a spouse (if you are married) or that you have multiple partners otherwise.

Or that you were married previously. Or that you were tragically widowed. Or that your husband was married previously.

 

I really don't think it's a chastity test to ask if they have the same father. And there really are plenty of people who are wildly promiscuous but whose children are from the same partner.

 

I, on the other hand, was told by an acquaintance, that my 4 month old son could not possibly be my son's child. Snort.

[jjins]

Your midwife may have been asking for a purely pregnancy related issue. It has been noted that preclamsia can be an issue when the father is a first time father, regardless of rather or not the mother has had children already.

 

Asking twice? Not sure about that.

 

As for someone asking of facebook... RUDE!

[justamouse]

medical? No, I wouldn't be offended, someone off the street? yes.

[Melissa B]

I get asked that. I think it is mainly because my dh is younger than I am and looks much younger than he is. They assume the kids can't all be his. It doesn't offend me.

Edited August 24, 2011 by Melissa B

[Liza Lee]

Medical professional, fine.

 

Anyone else can get stuffed.

 

:iagree:

[twoforjoy]

Nobody's ever asked me, but my kids are all little clones of each other, so it would be very strange if they did. I don't think I'd be offended, but I'd wonder why they were asking.

[JennyD]

I wouldn't be offended, but I would probably start laughing.

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it's really weird that some random people have the nerve to ask that. i remember people asking my mom that. There are 4 of us and we don't all look alike, but that's genetics for you.

 

I don't mind a medical person asking. They ask the same questions over and over, no matter what the question is it seems like. I wouldn't necessarily expect them to remember a specific detail from one appointment to another.

[BakersDozen]

I cannot get offended by this considering that 6 of my dc are clearly related (darker skin, gorgeous Asian eyes/hair) yet then 3 of my dc have light hair and blue/gray eyes. People just assume we adopted the 3 or they had a different father.

 

Now, the "funny" comments about the UPS/mail carrier are offensive and not at all in good taste particularly when said in front of my dc! :glare:

[5knights3maidens]

I have 8 and get this all the time. I think the people are rude and annoying.

I never had a doctor ask me about the father for any of them. And yes, they are all mine, from my body, no twins, or triplets, same husband. :D

[CalicoKat]

No not offended because it's true. Five kids, five different fathers. :D

 

But then we're adopted so it's all good.

[RahRah]

Yes, I know. But it was the same midwife asking me twice at two different meetings. She really had to ask me the same question twice?!

 

Actually she's asking to know if she needs to take care of you after the birth for Rh-factor issues - she can't assume that because you're married that your DH is indeed the father - only you can answer the question when asked. it's not meant to offend, it's meant to make sure if your DH isn't the biological father and you do have an Rh-factor issue, you'll receive the shot and be able to have more children in the future.

[momma aimee]

Someone posted on FB that she was asked if all her children are from the same father ( she has six, and yes they are by the same man). I was asked this question twice by the same midwife during my third pregnancy and I felt a little insulted. That was the only two times that ever happened to me though and I can't imagine being asked that just by some random person.

 

Maybe I'm just extra sensitive on this topic, because my own mother had 5 children by 3 different men. And I'm proud of the fact that all my children are by my one and only DH.

 

I'm curious if anyone else would feel insulted? What would you answer?

 

:bigear:

 

ETA:I know some women have kids from more than one man sometimes for different reasons. I would never judge them by it. But for me, based on family experiences with my mother, it wasn't something I was/am going to let happen as long as I can help it.

 

Yes, but then again I get offended if i am asked if i am married to the father of my children; or if the 'father is in the home' or any other typical standard question .... So I doubt i give a unbiased responce :lol: --

 

I asked a nurse to leave my care after she commented ;'...yes but ve can't be sure both children have the same father." after i made a comment about my 2nd, and blood tests vould be matching my first. I vas :cursing::cursing::cursing: about THAT one -- not a good thing to say to a traditional, conseritive, chiristan, blessed to have a 'tude and a mouth, in labor!!