Besides your spouse, do you have close friends?

[tntgoodwin]

I mean the type of friend you can count on in thick and thin. The kind you can tell anything. Is this something that disappears as you get older? Those that do have friends, have you met them since you've gotten older?

[swellmomma]

I have zero friends and no spouse. For me it has nothing to do with getting older, I have never really had friends since I was about 9 years old.

[myfunnybunch]

Yes, I do.

 

My sisters.

 

My group of friends from junior high school. We've known each other for 30+ years, and have truly been through thick and thin together.

 

My nearby neighbor and I have become close friends. Our friendship has developed gradually, and I know I can rely on her and talk to her about anything.

 

Cat

[Alenee]

Yep. Two or three in particular that are closer than my sister and I. I didn't have friends much growing up and only met these women through my church/homeschooling connections. My dh however, is my very best friend. I think that as long as he and I are as close as we are and have been from the time we were dating, I'd be fine without any other close connections.

[tntgoodwin]

Swellmomma:

 

Please forgive me in advance, for I am about to be blunt.

 

Is that by choice? Do you not like people for some reason or another? Or are you just very selective and have not found someone who meets your high standards of friendship? Or has it just kind of happened that way? Or is life just too busy? Or something else?

 

You don't have to answer if you don't want.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm 47. I have wonderful friends who would and have been there for me in tough times. I don't know if I would tell them "everything" for no reason, but if there was a good reason then, yes.

[Diana B]

Yes, I have a good friend that I met in college. In fact, she introduced me to my husband and led me to church. We've been very close for a long time.

 

I've recently started getting quite close to another woman at church who's kids are close to my son. We've known each other since our kids were little, but just in the last 6-8 months have gotten very close.

 

Along with that, I have many women (and some men!) at church that I consider good friends who I can rely on to be there for me for most anything (in fact, I have!). But they wouldn't necessarily be my 'go-to' friends, if you know what I mean? I am very blessed to be surrounded with many wonderful people at church that I don't have to be uncomfortable getting to know people, as shy as I can be at times.

[Koerarmoca]

I have one really super close BFF that I met in 10th grade. We see each other about once or twice a year (she lives about 7 hours away)

I have a few local Homeschooling mom friends that I have met since we moved here in April but no one I am super close with at this point. When we moved I left behind my home church and I had a nice circle of friends their (very small church) We are culturally different than our neighbors and don't share similar values so its been hard to click with anyone super close. I am a short walk from what I call "the circle" at the end of the street we have like 8 homeschooling families its a different world on that end of the street.

[YLVD]

I have a few, but not many.

 

The funny thing is, SO was previously that friend. We were best friends for 11 yrs before dating. :)

[PollyOR]

No, not outside of my family. My mom and my sister are the women I rely on (long distance phone calls/e-mail).

 

I don't know how to explain this without sounding rude, but I don't have time for someone else to need me. When I have taken care of the kids, my husband, my grown daughter and her kids, the cat, and the dog, I want to be alone. That is how I recharge.

 

Ya know, that is what I love about groups and message boards on the internet. You can message/talk to people when you feel like it and they can reply when it is convenient for them. It allows me to socialize but it doesn't get in the way of taking care of my family.

 

I get my socialization fix on Facebook, this board, and Runescape :D. I enjoy folks but we aren't tight like best friends.

Edited July 11, 2011 by PollyOR

[Peela]

I have several good friends and many, many "friends" that I call friends, and who may or may not be there for me in a crisis- and I feel lucky because I really haven't spent a lot of time cultivating friendships over the years especially with homeschooling- and I am an introvert who enjoys spending time alone when not with family.

 

My friends are generally connected to my spiritual groups and our connections are maintained because of shared activities, not because we are really good at phoning each other up or visiting regularly, although we do do that at times too (I am not so good at that bit).

 

I spent a long time trying to find people I could relate to deeply and be friends with on a deep level- andt I did find them (or perhaps they found me- not sure). I am happy to be "friends' with most people and especially many people in my social circles- but it does generally take shared interests for me to maintain friendships. But then, if I knew you IRL and we had some good shared interests, and had some shared experiences, and opened up to each other now and then- we wouldn't have to see each other regularly for me to call you my friend.

 

I seem to be becoming more of a networker as I get older, and especially as I am no longer homeschooling. I love moving in different circles of people and then connecting people up- talking to one circle about what is going on in another. Strange, because i am not really social in one sense. But I could not live in a country town with no like minded people in the spiritual sense - I would feel isolated even though surrounded by good people.

 

I have never relied on my dh as my sole friend because we are very different, not "two peas in a pod" or anything like that. I need other people to talk to.

 

I think I am really learning to value healthy community more as I get older.

[Dandelion]

I mean the type of friend you can count on in thick and thin. The kind you can tell anything. Is this something that disappears as you get older? Those that do have friends, have you met them since you've gotten older?

 

Yes, I have 3 very close girlfriends that I would put in the "thick and thin" category - plus several other friends that are not as close but that I keep in regular contact with.

 

I'm also very close with my mom - talk to her daily, see her 4-5 times a week and really enjoy that relationship.

 

To answer the question "is this something that disappears as you get older", I think it takes effort. You get out what you put in. About 6 years ago, I made a conscious decision to prioritize friendships in my life. For many years, I had spent most of my time (outside of family time) focusing on my career - and found myself with a lot of acquaintances but no close friends. I approached making and investing in friendships like I would any other goal (I'm a very goal-oriented person, so it worked for me :tongue_smilie:). It didn't happen overnight, but with a much greater investment of time and effort on my part, I've made some wonderful friends. I love my DH, but he does not meet my "friendship needs" in the same way that my girlfriends do (nor would I expect him to).

[Cassy]

I have a number of good long-term friends and a smaller number of more recent acquaintances who could be that very close, special kind of friendship if I invested more time and energy into my relationships. I choose not to at this point in my life, partly from necessity. DH is the best friend I could ever imagine and we support each other beautifully. We both have very busy, tiring lives and also love to spend time enjoying our children. Just now we don't need nor do we have time for deep and meaningful friendships with others, although I believe those friendships will be there for us in a later season of our lives.

 

Cassy

[BetterthanIdeserve]

I'm not sure how old you meant by older :tongue_smilie:, but at age 27 I met a neighbor while walking one day and she has become one of my dearest friends. She was there for me when my baby died and my other loved ones (except my hubby) couldn't deal with my grief and just let me grieve. I've been there for her in the middle of the night during an emergency. She's not afraid to gently (or bluntly) show me the error of my ways. While I would say my DH is my best friend, he and I both know that I need to talk a lot more than what he really listens to, so he makes sure I get "Mandie Time." I'm also very close to my twin sister and mother, but this friend is the first non-family member that I have had a close relationship (didn't really look for it before because I had my twin and later my DH).

 

Funny story: I mentioned that we met walking. I always wore a hat or bandanna on our morning walks. When my friend invited me to her house for a home jewelry party a few months after we met, she didn't recognize me without a hat and with make-up!

[keptwoman]

Yep, I've a couple of thick and thin friends, and they are relatively recent friends as we moved country 5 years ago.

[amydavis]

Yes, I do have several girlfriends. Each seems to fill a certain role in my life. I have a need for female support/bonding, etc.

 

I met one of my friends while living out of state. We were in similar stages of life, both military wives at the time. Until that time I had mainly kept the friends I had grown up with, so investing in that relationship was a bit out of the box for me at the time, but it certainly was worth it. That was 18 years ago, and I can tell her most anything. Unfortunately we haven't lived in the same state since then, but have been in the same geographic area, so visiting has been possible...and we certainly utilize the phones! She is my friend that can hear the good, the bad, and the ugly about me - and love me just the same.

 

I also have a very good girlfriend that I met in 9th grade. We have stayed in some kind of contact ever since school, but when she married and had children, we became much closer, due to being in similar stages in life, and the fact that we were both stay-at-home moms. When she decided to homeschool, that gave us even more in common. We do lots of activities together. She's my frequent lunch buddy, meet-at-the-park with the kids buddy, etc. We talk on the phone typically once a day, and get together at least once a week, but more often at times. Basically depends on where we are in our schooling, etc.

 

I also still get together with a friend that I've had since 1st grade. Our amount of contact changes over the years, and since she married and had a child, we are in more constant contact. She works outside of the home, so I don't get together with her as often as the other local friend I mentioned, but we keep an internet contact through the week. We do lunch every so often, get out shopping maybe once or twice per year, and we attend each others kids' parties, holiday parties, etc. all through the year. We were best friends all through childhood, so she is a constant in my life. She knows my family from the growing up years, all the history and drama through the years, and I know hers. It's hard to describe, but she is so much like family. We have a lot of love for one another, despite not seeing or hanging out as much as we'd like.

 

I've also added on two other good friends in the just the last few years. I don't speak to them as often, but enjoy hanging out with them. One enjoys thrifting/hitting yard sales as much as I do. So, we sometimes get together for that. We don't talk often, but when we do, it is deep and meaningful conversation. We seem to provide each other some kind of emotional support, although not frequent, if that makes sense. We do get together with kids, have had sporadic game nights with our spouses and kids, and speak probably once a week, with FB messages also.

 

The other newer friend is my opposite in many ways (politically, especially), but we enjoy hanging out and having lively conversation. She is such a vibrant personality, I get to enjoy so much of what she plans and does. She organizes fantastic block parties, etc. and has added a lot of interesting culture to our lives. Although she's moving, I'll keep contact with her, and will end up traveling to Maine in order for us to visit, and for our boys to hang out, since they had become really close. My kids regularly spent the night at her house, and hanging out and chatting was easy...I'll miss that when she's gone! I've also met a new acquaintance/friend through her, and I hope to maintain that relationship even once the other friend has moved.

 

Oh, and for even more fun, we often hang out in groups of some combination. For example, the two childhood friends know each other, and we will get together as a threesome from time to time. The two newer friends, the homeschool friend, and I enjoy a monthly moms' night out together (along with the acquaintance I mentioned). In fact, all of our kids just spent the night on Saturday with the friend that is moving, and we enjoyed a great cookout the day after when we picked them up.

The two childhood friends have each met my friend from out of state, and the homeschool friend has traveled with me to see her.

 

Another bonus is that our hubbies play well together, LOL. So, we end up doing a lot of couples activities. Interestingly, my dh doesn't really make any friends, other than the ones I've brought to him through my friendships. But he does enjoy each of my friends' husbands (some more than others, and in different ways). However, none of the guys seem to ever get together without us wives. There was talk of having a mens' poker night, but they never followed through. Maybe the guys don't crave male bonding as much as the females?

[Heather in Neverland]

Yes I do and I feel very fortunate.

[WishboneDawn]

Nope. I have friends and a few good friends but none are really close. My husband is it and it's pretty much the same for him. We're content introverts. :)

 

That said I do tend to be the friend who's there when other friends are in crisis or need to talk about something intimate. It's just that I don't give them a chance to do the same for me. I think I'm starting to change a bit as I get older but I'm also learning that that's just the way I operate. No big deal and nothing to worry about.

[littlebug42]

Yes, I do and from more than one phase of my life. I have a wonderful network of friends from college. They are spread out over the far corners of the country but I know without a doubt that they would be here in an instant if I needed them. We have been friends for over 20 years.

 

I also have good friends here now that I am fortunate to have and that have been my rock on many occasions. I am also extremely close to my family. I have been very blessed with a large, strong support network.

[Carrie12345]

I haven't had a truly close IRL friend (other than dh) since becoming a parent. 99.9% of the time, I'm good with that.

 

I'm an introvert.

I'm also prone to being a snob AND a reverse-snob.

And I am very much and "acquired taste", lol.

 

I do have a special group of internet friends that I've associated with for about 8 years. It is the type of group that displays enormous support when called for, a strong kick in the rear when called for, an extremely smart sounding board, true mutual respect, and a great deal of humor. All at our individual convenience. I love those ladies like sisters.

[whitestavern]

I have had those kind of friendships through the years, but none that have lasted til now. My dearest friend, whom I've had since college, has changed dramatically, and we just have so little in common at this point that I find myself communicating less and less with her. DH is my bf and most of the time that's enough for me (it is enough for him) but sometimes I do long for a very close friend who I could just be 100% myself with. I do have a group of good friends I see regularly, but they're not quite in that category.

[SailorMom]

Yes- three or four, plus a very good relationship with a SiL and my MiL.

 

Dh and I are best friends, but I still think it is healthy for us to have other friends as well. Also - he is deployed about 6 months out of the year - I can't call him - can only email. It's nice to know I have others I can call (and they me).

[radiobrain]

Yes.

[Dustybug]

I have 2-3 friends that I meet up with occasionally, but I haven't had a friend that was the "thick and thin" type since high school besides my husband.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Yes. I have a best girl friend and a best guy friend who have both been my friends since Freshman year of college 24 years ago. They are thick and thin friends. I also have two other friends from college who'd I'd consider more like family at this point. I have a good friend from high school who would do anything for me and I for her, but she now lives 13 hours away.

 

I have a slew of awesome mom friends whom I met from my kids' preschool. They have in the past and continue to be people I can depend on in an emergency. These are the kind of people who will organize food delivery schedules for mothers who've just given birth, or for funerals, or for surgeries. They are also available to help out in babysitting binds, or other general help. They make sure special occasions do not go unnoticed, and we still all get together for girls' night out.

 

I feel very blessed and fortunate to have all of these people in my life, as well as my sisters, who are also awesome friends.

[amo_mea_filiis.]

I have zero friends and no spouse. For me it has nothing to do with getting older, I have never really had friends since I was about 9 years old.

 

:iagree:

 

Swellmomma:

 

Please forgive me in advance, for I am about to be blunt.

 

Is that by choice? Do you not like people for some reason or another? Or are you just very selective and have not found someone who meets your high standards of friendship? Or has it just kind of happened that way? Or is life just too busy? Or something else?

 

You don't have to answer if you don't want.

 

Since I'm the same, I'll answer for myself.

 

I always thought my standards were normal, but being friendless I guess they're high.

 

I don't like people much, and it seems I'm not very liked. For example, there's a woman who works at a local gas station. I always get the cold shoulder from her. I don't get it. I've always been friendly, and said please and thank you. She does not make eye contact with me, doesn't say have a nice day, etc. It's not just the way she is because I've seen her friendly with other customers. I do not understand what I've ever done! It's this way with a lot of people.

 

Of course the kids play a part, too. I'm busy with them. I hate playdates because I can never become friendly with the mom. It's always a drop and run thing. I don't want to drop and run!

 

I think it's my aspie-ness. I misread people, and have been accused (by family) since I was very young of making faces but I was never aware of it.

[Serenade]

 

I don't know how to explain this without sounding rude, but I don't have time for someone else to need me. When I have taken care of the kids, my husband, my grown daughter and her kids, the cat, and the dog, I want to be alone. That is how I recharge.

 

 

I get this. I am very similar. I am sometimes hesitant to contact some friends, even people who I go way back with, because I don't feel that I have time to get together. I have lost friends as a result. I guess it is what it is, and I know my limits and have chosen to give my attention to my immediate family.

 

I need alone time, too. If I don't get any alone time on a regular basis, I can feel myself getting cranky and unpleasant.

[amyable]

I have had those kind of friendships through the years, but none that have lasted til now. My dearest friend, whom I've had since college, has changed dramatically, and we just have so little in common at this point that I find myself communicating less and less with her. DH is my bf and most of the time that's enough for me (it is enough for him) but sometimes I do long for a very close friend who I could just be 100% myself with. I do have a group of good friends I see regularly, but they're not quite in that category.

 

This, except for the last sentence - I have a small group of friends but we can never seem to get together due to busy schedules (theirs, not so much mine ;) )

 

I was always the type of person to pick a "best friend" or two vs. a ton of acquaintances ... but that kind of backfires when those "friends" either turn out to be unstable, habitual liars, move away, or decide they are "done with me" for whatever reason (like my dear friend that I've known since birth who can't stay friends with me because I have 5 kids and it hurts too much as she struggles with infertility:( )

 

I'd love someone I could just be myself with. Honestly, I don't think that's ever going to happen. My issues, not theirs.

[Ottakee]

I have a few close friends. My best friend though just recently moved to Alaska for 5 years so that will be tough. Very thankful for texting, email and free phone calls though.

[Sasharowan]

I have one friend from high school that I don't see very often, but when we do, it's like we saw each other yesterday. I have 2 friends here that I see more often and can count on for whatever. And I have my mom. We talk daily and see each other quite often. In addition to dh, this is probably the most friend I've had at one time in my life.

[Josie]

I have some of the absolute *best-est, best-est, best-est* friends EVER! I love my friends. We have all helped each other. My friends are an absolute blessing from God!

[TechWife]

Yes - I have one best friend whom I've known for 30 years, since our high school freshman homeroom. We chat on the computer regularly (at least once a week) and talk on the phone every couple of months. The number of times we've seen each other varies according to where we've each lived, but having the same home town has helped because we are often home for holidays at the same time.

 

I can tell her anything.

[DawnM]

Yes. I have the most wonderful friends in the world, alas, they don't live close by. They are the "sisters and brothers" I grew up with at boarding school. We have a bond that cannot be broken or shaken. Thank God for unlimited calling and airplanes!

 

Before I married I also made some really good friends that aren't as close as my friends above, but are still good friends.

 

Since marrying and having children I have made friends, but they aren't super close.

 

Dawn

[BlsdMama]

I mean the type of friend you can count on in thick and thin. The kind you can tell anything. Is this something that disappears as you get older? Those that do have friends, have you met them since you've gotten older?

 

Yes and yes.

 

The friends I had when I was younger aren't close any more because I'm not the same person I was then.

 

I'm blessed to have a few very, very close friends and then good friends as well.

 

A funny thing about friends - first you have to be/go somewhere where you might meet people you have things in common with. Then you must be willing to foster those relationships which takes time & energy & willingness. And finally, I've discovered, I can have one of two things - a reputation as SuperMom or a REAL relationship. You can't have both. You can only have people who think you're almost perfect or you can let them in and they'll definitely see you're not. :D

 

You have to have those three things to cultivate close, personal relationships.

[~Amanda~]

We have zero friends. and we like people! lol. we find people we like, we try to hang out with them... and things always happen to prevent the hanging out/bonding, and we've lost our "window". I don't know what is wrong with us, but we can't make friends for anything. :( Its lonely

[Chris in VA]

yes, I have both friends from the past and friends here now.

I've talked before about a special grouping thingy that I've done with some women--it's a way of sharing on a very deep level; I find being vulnerable and accepting others just the way they are to be the key to being and having friends. That said, there are times someone will want to be my friend and I hold them at arm's length for some reason.

[Sophia]

I mean the type of friend you can count on in thick and thin. The kind you can tell anything.

 

One friend from college fits this description.

I do have other friends but would not tell them anything.

 

I do think time plays more of a factor than age in developing those close friendships.

[Nakia]

Yes! I have a best friend of 20 years who is amazing! I also count one of my brothers as one of my best friends. Then I have many other friends who I know I can count on. I am very blessed indeed.

[prairiegirl]

I find that I have had one good friend for every season of life that I have passed through: college, single working life, early marriage, parenting, etc. As I leave that season, though, it seems that I also leave that friend, not intentionally, it just happens that way.

 

I have a very good friend now. We initially met 9 years ago when our children were babies but there wasn't much of a bond. We met up again 3 years ago and discovered that we both homeschool! She is a very close friend who has been with me through a marital separation and cancer. I am blessed with her presence in my life.

[sassenach]

Yes. I have a friend that I have known since we were 6. She is pretty much my sister. I often disagree with her, but I will never stop loving her. She's not a Christian, so there are some areas of my life that I don't go to her about, but we are always 100% truthful with eachother. I have 2 friends from FL (we lived there for 8 years) who I connect with on every level. There is no limit to what we would do for eachother. I miss their daily presence in my life, but we're on the phone all the time. Since moving here 3 years ago, I've met a couple of people who I would call very good friends. They have my back, I can trust them, but I wouldn't call them best friends (yet).

 

Most of my friends I meet through church.

[Mrs Mungo]

I have 3 sisters. I also have close female friends upon whom I rely and/or could tell anything. I have one good friend from college. The rest of my close friends are people I met as an adult.

[BamaTanya]

I have a few casual friends, but in times of crisis (Mom's death, dd's surgery) I was surprised by who WAS there for us and who wasn't. I can't say I've become "tight" with the people who were there for us. I am very appreciate, though.

I've tried to avoid expressing disappointment to the people I wished I could depend on.

I feel blessed that we did have people who showed up when we needed them most.

 

Edit: My best friend was my mom.

[Teresa in MO]

I have one very good friend who has been with me through many trials. I can truly tell her anything. We met 20 years ago when we both started attending a small homeschool support group the same night. We later became co-leaders of the support group. Her two ds have graduated and she is a teacher at a very small Christian school. (She was a special ed teacher before she started homeschooling.) The support group has disbanded. Our names are even the same, except hers in spelled with an h. We joke with people and say we are interchangable. I treasure her friendship greatly.

[justamouse]

Yup. I am blessed with a few, and so is Dh. One set was from when I was in HS, the other when I got married. My Dh's best friend's wife became a best friend.

 

Dh's best friend is from grade school. They have been through hell and back together.

[Ksol]

I was surprised by who WAS there for us and who wasn't. I can't say I've become "tight" with the people who were there for us. I am very appreciate, though.

I've tried to avoid expressing disappointment to the people I wished I could depend on.

 

 

 

I have several close friends. But even so, I still have to agree with the above statement.When my father died 7 months ago, it was interesting to see who was there for me and who wasn't. I was a little bitter about the who wasn't. I've come to realize that some people just don't know what to do in those situations. and others are more comfortable.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've been thinking about this thread. If something traumatic happened (like the death of my dh) I could definitely call at least 5 people and at least one could drop everything for me. Not all of them would be able to though, because of the natural demands of sick children, car breakdowns, and just the demands of life. Emotionally and spiritually, though, every single one of them would be there for me.

 

As to age, I've actually found that my friends have more time and ability to be there for me as we've aged. Most of my friends have kids who are leaving or have left the nest. It makes it easier for them to be available on many levels. I got married later and had kids later, so I'm still in a earlier stage of parenthood than they are. Add my health concerns to that, and I'm not able to be there for them to the same degree. But emotionally and spiritually, I'm there for them too and would try really hard to be there for them practically too.

[swellmomma]

Swellmomma:

 

Please forgive me in advance, for I am about to be blunt.

 

Is that by choice? Do you not like people for some reason or another? Or are you just very selective and have not found someone who meets your high standards of friendship? Or has it just kind of happened that way? Or is life just too busy? Or something else?

 

You don't have to answer if you don't want.

 

No it is not by choice. I just have a really really hard time making and maintaining friendships. Back as a kid/teen it was due to bullying etc. As a young adult it was due to being in a different life space than those my age.(already married, 2 kids and then separated before 24 yrs old). Then came the judgements and people stopping contact with us because of my son. I have never been someone liked by others, and because I have trouble with social cues etc I am not good at building up a relationship from being just acquaintences.

 

So it is a combination of things, but none of them are from a desire to have no friends or being too picky.

 

ETA: One thing I do know about myself that hinders building relationships as well is that I do not trust others very much. And I find it really hard to let someone even remotely close again if any trust has been broken. This is particularily a problem if it was more of a perceived breach of trust rather than a blatent one. I am trying to work past that and see most people do mean well even if they mess up. Unfortunately a life time of hurts makes it very difficult to really trust anyone enough to get close.

Edited July 11, 2011 by swellmomma

[WishboneDawn]

:iagree:

 

 

 

Since I'm the same, I'll answer for myself.

 

I always thought my standards were normal, but being friendless I guess they're high.

 

I don't like people much, and it seems I'm not very liked. For example, there's a woman who works at a local gas station. I always get the cold shoulder from her. I don't get it. I've always been friendly, and said please and thank you. She does not make eye contact with me, doesn't say have a nice day, etc. It's not just the way she is because I've seen her friendly with other customers. I do not understand what I've ever done! It's this way with a lot of people.

 

Of course the kids play a part, too. I'm busy with them. I hate playdates because I can never become friendly with the mom. It's always a drop and run thing. I don't want to drop and run!

 

I think it's my aspie-ness. I misread people, and have been accused (by family) since I was very young of making faces but I was never aware of it.

 

I bet you and I would get along fine. :) The people I tend to have trouble with are those that are extremely socially adept. The ones I get along with are generally like me, missing things, misinterpreting stuff, saying things they don't really intend. Makes a relationship much more interesting! :D

[Night Elf]

No. I met my last friend through a homeschool group. We were very close and our sons were best friends (neither had other friends). Our friendship lasted 6 years and then all of a sudden, she was too busy to hang out. My son and I were dumped. Neither of us has had a friend in over 3 years.

[WeeBeaks]

I have a group of friends like that, most of them from my high school years (in other words we have known each other 20+ years) and one I met probably 10 years old, after schooling and the birth of my youngest.