Hold hands and pray for the person next to you....

[Garga]

My church has over 1000 members. Sunday morning is split into two services, so somewhere between 400-500 attend each service. This means that many of the people at church are strangers to me.

 

The pastor will OFTEN tell us to "Hold hands with the person next to you while we pray." And a little less often will say, "Now pray for the person next to you."

 

I hate this. Passionately. I am NOT a touchy person. I do NOT like holding hands with strangers. I do NOT like holding hands with people that I know!

 

I feel very uncomfortable having to turn to a stranger, hold their hand, and start praying with them. The other week, I was sitting by my husband's boss, who had come to visit. Dh wasn't there (he helps count the offering during the service), so when the pastor said, "Take the hand of the person next to you and pray for them," I had to take my dh's boss's hand and pray for her. I can't even begin to tell you how awkward that was.

 

I have an opportunity to bring this up to the pastoral staff this weekend (board meeting), but I don't want to come across as the weird girl (like the Ally Sheedy character in Breakfast club.)

 

Sooo....am I being ridiculous and unChristian about holding people's hands and praying for them? Or are there probably a lot of other parishoners like me sitting there cringing? How would you feel about it?

Edited October 19, 2010 by Garga_

[KarenNC]

I would imagine that, especially with cold and flu season starting up, that you are not alone.

[TechWife]

You're not alone. I imagine this would be awkward for any visitors not familiar with this tradition as well.

[K&Rs Mom]

I would hate that too. Could you phrase it as, "some people might be uncomfortable to..." instead of a personal complaint?

[Aggie]

You're not alone. I imagine this would be awkward for any visitors not familiar with this tradition as well.

 

This would make me visibly cringe.

 

As a visitor, I would NOT go back to this church no matter how good the teaching was.

 

blech

[1bassoon]

Ew. Ick.

 

Bleh.

[QueenCat]

At the end of every service at our church, we hold hands and sing the benediction. It was what "sold" me on the church the first time we visited. Same thing at our church in our previous home. Brings me to tears every week.

[Kirch]

It wouldn't bother me, but I think if I had a chance to discuss it with the church leadership, I'd advise against it since I'm sure there are many, many people who would be uncomfortable. He can certainly encourage people to pray for those next to them without asking them to hold hands.

[ChristusG]

Our previous church did this. I didn't like it. I just don't like touching people I don't know.

[Tree House Academy]

We "get up, get out, and greet one another" and we hold hands and see the closing song...so really, what is one more hand holding thing? LOL Besides, usually I sit beside friends or family in church, so I am absolutely fine holding hands and praying for those folks. :)

[OrganicAnn]

This is not exactly the same - we are Catholic and we hold hands when saying the Our Father.

[elegantlion]

I would feign coughing and decline. I'm a pretty touchy feely person, but I don't want to hold hands with people. I also have a suppressed immune system and catch everything. Hugs are one thing, but hands depend on an increased level of personal hygiene and I don't want to go there. :001_huh:

 

I would bring it up in the light of not passing along illness.

[Caraway]

I really, seriously, deeply hate the "greet your neighbor" part of church. *shudder* It is just so.... fake, and space invading.

[KuniMom]

I would bring it up. The Pastor might just be a touchy kind of guy, and never realize that other people are uncomfortable holding hands.

[Hen]

I choose other, I'd probably do it, but I wouldn't get over it quickly.

 

reminds me of something that happened to dh and I - we used to go to a big, cool-ish church and they would do things like this. Well, one day, the pastor says to stand up, greet the person behind you and hug them. Well, dh turns around and there is this young, under-dressed thing with a very short, sleeveless dress and cleavage unlimited...he froze. I had pity for him for a tiny second as I saw the abject look of fear on his face. Just for a moment..and then I thought, "do the wrong thing here, buster and you are so dead meat"

..he paused, then smiled real big and offered her a hand shake.

 

he dodged a big bullet there. I knew logically it wasn't his fault, but I still felt my hackles rise there!

:tongue_smilie:

[kokotg]

The church we've been going to is more touchy than I'm comfortable with...they really get into shaking hands and greeting each other; it lasts FOREVER. No one wants to be the first to sit down! It's so much fun to talk to everyone! And then they station the pastor at one door and then someone else who participated in the service at the other door, so there's no way to bypass the line. And then, instead of shaking hands, most of these people want to HUG me! Sigh. I am trying to get used to it, because it does all seem genuine and not fake friendly (and, being Southern, I feel I can recognize fake friendly pretty easily). My 9 year old hates touching strangers way more than I do, and he's gotten very skilled at ducking out unnoticed at the end (he will shake hands, but he draws the line at hugs). Anyway, I hate holding hands. But I guess I would do it, because I hate drawing attention to myself in such situations even more. Maybe I'd secretly pray for someone halfway across the room instead just to be contrary, though.

[Soror]

We are Catholic and DONT hold hands for the Our Father here. We are not touchy feely type. Dh and I had started a bible study group and one of the reasons we couldn't continue(besides the scheduling conflict) was the "let's all hold hands" business, totally not us.

[Jean in Newcastle]

The touching wouldn't bother me. The praying for someone I don't know would because it would feel fake to me. Which sounds weird because I do pray for many people I don't know - even groups of people. But I dislike having to pray for people on demand.

[specialmama]

You are not the weird girl... in this situation anyhow. :tongue_smilie::lol: j/k

Seriously, that is just weird. I mean, there's a whole bunch of things that go wrong with things like that: what about the odd people left out at the end of the pew or even in the middle because everyone just paired off and left them out? What about the lady being called out of the service because her baby is crying? What about halitosis? I'd go ahead and mention it to him.

[Unicorn.]

Ew. Ick.

 

Bleh.

 

:iagree: Ick! I don't like it at all. Even when we have holidays at my sister's house, and she likes to hold hands while the blessing is said, it makes me cringe! And these are relatives! I just washed my hands dang-it. I don't know where Yours have been! Maybe you could bring up spreading of diseases, like flu or something. Yuck, Yuck ,Yuck!

[Guest Katia]

I would leave and go to the bathroom....fix my hair, put on lip gloss and adjust my clothing. Maybe wash my hands. Well.

 

Then I'd go back in and hope it was all over.

 

I would (and have) prayed for the person next to me (without holding their hand, thank you every much), but I've prayed silently for them. An out-loud prayer for them, to them? No way. I just can't pray-on-demand like some people do. Not aloud. And not touching. Ick.

 

If this were a continual thing, I'd leave the church.

 

Our church used to do the meet-and-greet "fellow-shipping" thing at the beginning of each service. Ick. I started coming in really, really late so that I'd miss it. In my case, dh is the pastor and noticed.......he asked about it and I told him.....so he dropped it :tongue_smilie: Unfortunately, not everyone has the pastor as their husband.

[Liz CA]

The touching wouldn't bother me. The praying for someone I don't know would because it would feel fake to me. Which sounds weird because I do pray for many people I don't know - even groups of people. But I dislike having to pray for people on demand.

 

:)

I am just the opposite. I'd rather pray for someone I don't know than hold their hand. It's just because...one never knows how often they wash their hands...

 

[texasmama]

I have always hated holding hands with the person next to you in church. It seems germy...and I am not particularly germiphobic. I don't mind praying for people but would rather do without being instructed to pray for the person next to me. If I don't know their needs, the best I can do is a generic "God bless this person" prayer. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Mrs Mungo]

It doesn't bother me. We shake hands at my church and sometimes hold hands during prayer. I don't really care either way, but I'm pretty touchy. I also carry hand sanitizer.

[m0mmaBuck]

We shake hands during Mass and even as a kid I hated doing it during cold and flu season. Sitting in Mass in front of the guy hacking up his lungs.... and then being expected to shake his hand full well knowing he was carrying typhoid fever.... Nope, I just can't do it.

[Peela]

It would really depend, for me, how it was done. Going from cold...I would feel uncomfortable but I would sincerely do it anyway and no big deal. However, if the place had just been enlivened and heart opened with a rousing sermon that inspired me to love my neighbour and really LIVE that teaching,....well, I think it could be wonderful.

 

I have only ever experienced church as a not very heart warming place, though, but I have heard it can be much warmer and more loving than in my own experience.

 

I think doing it just because, could easily be a bit forced and fake and therefore not of much benefit- particularly if half the people are resentful and inhibited by it. But the right pastor, I reckon, could have everyone hugging and touching no worries. Depends on how it is done.

 

In my own spiritual circles that sort of behaviour is absolutely normal, but there is a context to it that brings us to the point of enjoying it. I am not a touchy feely person, myself, but I dont mind being pushed past my comfort zone and usually enjoy it.

[LaissezFaire]

You are not alone. This might give you a chuckle.

 

 

[Mom2J112903]

This is not exactly the same - we are Catholic and we hold hands when saying the Our Father.

 

We too are Catholic and hold hands with my son *only* as we sit in the very back row because I need a "quick escape" sometimes.

 

I despise the "Peace be with you" part of Mass, I always have to find something or use the restroom during this part. ;)

 

I would much rather someone just give a friendly nod than to touch me and I do everything I can not to touch someone else as well.

[nono]

The touching wouldn't bother me. The praying for someone I don't know would because it would feel fake to me. Which sounds weird because I do pray for many people I don't know - even groups of people. But I dislike having to pray for people on demand.

 

 

:iagree: Exactly!

[mytwomonkeys]

i seriously get anxiety just during the meet & greet.... let alone if i had to hold hands and pray for everyone, lol.

[chiguirre]

I don't like holding hands with strangers, but it's part of the Mass and there's really no way out of it. I paste on a friendly smile and shake everyone's hand and make sure my kids do to. It would be very rude to refuse to offer peace to someone. Ditto on the hand-holding Our Father. I wish that hadn't been instituted, but it has and it would be very rude to not offer your hand. Knowing that these things are expected and when they're coming does make it easier to get through. I would really hate it if I wasn't expecting it.

 

OTOH, I do tell my ds not to take the wine at communion because it's a shared chalice. That's just too many germs for me. Since it's not required and lots of people skip it, I prefer my kids not do it. Now that my kids are in the children's choir, it's easier because they don't take a cup to that communion line since it's all kids, so it's not even an option.

[The Girls' Mom]

The hand holding wouldn't bother me...but is he asking you to pray OUT LOUD for the person next to you? That would freak me out. I just don't pray aloud in public!!

 

(and since I am running headlong into being a pastor's wife someday this really worries me!!!) :tongue_smilie:

[lionfamily1999]

We had a visiting pastor that was worried about people feeling that way. Instead of telling us to shake hands and great each other he told us to wink ;), because no one ever caught something from a wink. The congregation thought it was hilarious and winked (or squinted) away, but followed it all up with hand wringing and hugs.

 

If you aren't comfortable, tell the board. Just know, the congregation could choose to do what they are used to doing regardless of it not being a command from on high, iykwIm.

[kamom]

Why hold hands? I would love to be prayed for and wouldn't mind praying for others, but holding their hands:tongue_smilie: What if it was a man?

 

I would love having dh, or other family members hold my hands and pray for me during a service.

[Paige]

I really, seriously, deeply hate the "greet your neighbor" part of church. *shudder* It is just so.... fake, and space invading.

 

Me too! I purposely arrive late to avoid it. I don't mind the hand holding and praying thing so much and I am not a touchy person at all. It seems less forced than the greet your neighbors thing. I would be uncomfortable if it involved praying out loud for someone I didn't know but I can always offer a genuine silent prayer for someone's general health, well being, etc. I do understand how it may make others feel weird. I had to leave another church because I couldn't get past the communion practice of having the minister pull apart a piece of bread and put it in my mouth. Especially after he just mentioned he had been feeling sick all week. Blech!!! I refused communion.

[Garga]

I would bring it up. The Pastor might just be a touchy kind of guy, and never realize that other people are uncomfortable holding hands.

 

Yes! The pastor is such a people person. He will lean in real close to hear people talk, and fling an arm around their shoulder. He does it in a very sweet and un-calculated way. He just loooves to be around people and with them and listen to them. When we have people from other countries come to visit, they just LOVE it. Finally! An American who will give them a big Russian bear hug! If the pastor could get away with kissing people on both cheeks, I know he'd do it! He just loves all that.

 

It would really depend, for me, how it was done. Going from cold...I would feel uncomfortable but I would sincerely do it anyway and no big deal. However, if the place had just been enlivened and heart opened with a rousing sermon that inspired me to love my neighbour and really LIVE that teaching,....well, I think it could be wonderful.

 

I have only ever experienced church as a not very heart warming place, though, but I have heard it can be much warmer and more loving than in my own experience.

 

I think doing it just because, could easily be a bit forced and fake and therefore not of much benefit- particularly if half the people are resentful and inhibited by it. But the right pastor, I reckon, could have everyone hugging and touching no worries. Depends on how it is done.

 

In my own spiritual circles that sort of behaviour is absolutely normal, but there is a context to it that brings us to the point of enjoying it. I am not a touchy feely person, myself, but I dont mind being pushed past my comfort zone and usually enjoy it.

 

 

It's usually at the end of a service, and yes, we have been brought to that place where we should be living out the message--showing love and tender care for one another. My pastor does love people and he's just trying to give us the opportunity to love each other. He talks about people who are lonely and need (really need) someone to notice them. When we have the meet and greet time, he tells us, "Find someone you don't know...let them know they're welcome," and he means it. So, I think his heart's desire is that those people that feel unloved in a church (like the post a couple of weeks ago about the young man with the earrings, etc, who was being left out), get a chance to be touched and prayed for.

 

 

This is why it's hard for me to bring up. It's all done in the spirit of loving each other the way Jesus loves people. If Jesus was in this church, (I mean, as a parishioner) he'd be ALL OVER holding people's hands and praying for them.

 

That's why I'm hesistant to say anything. The pastor loves people. This church is all about making people feel welcome and loved, even if they look different. But I really hate holding hands and freeze up when asked to pray for someone....and I have a feeling that people might leave because of it. They've been doing this (hand holding) more and more for the past year.

 

 

Oh--and if there are odd people left out for the hand holding, I've seen people bending in funny shapes to grab the hand of someone in the next pew up or back. THOSE people probably love the hand holding. I think it's silly to do all those contortions....so that's why I'm asking the hive if I'm the only one feeling this way. Obviously there are people at my church who like holding hands enough to streeeetch out across the pews.

Edited October 19, 2010 by Garga

[Twigs]

This type of "affection" is why I don't attend church, even though I should - has the pastor even thought that part of the service might be keeping people away?

[lionfamily1999]

It's usually at the end of a service, and yes, we have been brought to that place where we should be living out the message--showing love and tender care for one another. My pastor does love people and he's just trying to give us the opportunity to love each other. He talks about people who are lonely and need (really need) someone to notice them. When we have the meet and greet time, he tells us, "Find someone you don't know...let them know they're welcome," and he means it. So, I think his heart's desire is that those people that feel unloved in a church (like the post a couple of weeks ago about the young man with the earrings, etc, who was being left out), get a chance to be touched and prayed for.

 

 

This is why it's hard for me to bring up. It's all done in the spirit of loving each other the way Jesus loves people. If Jesus was in this church, he'd be ALL OVER holding people's hands and praying for them.

 

That's why I'm hesistant to say anything. The pastor loves people. This church is all about making people feel welcome and loved, even if they look different. But I really hate holding hands and freeze up when asked to pray for someone....and I have a feeling that people might leave because of it. They've been doing this (hand holding) more and more for the past year.

 

 

Oh--and if there are odd people left out, I've seen people bending in funny shapes to grab the hand of someone in the next pew up or back. THOSE people probably love the hand holding. I think it's silly to do all those contortions....so that's why I'm asking the hive if I'm the only one feeling this way. Obviously there are people at my church who like holding hands enough to streeeetch out across the pews.

But Garga, those people that don't want to be touched need to feel loved too :D And the best way to show THEM love is honor their personal space ;)

 

From that angle, I am POSITIVE your pastor would understand. Of course, unless you have "untouchable radar" you wouldn't know who those people are, but that's something worth thinking about. How can you make people like you comfortable?

[lionfamily1999]

I really, seriously, deeply hate the "greet your neighbor" part of church. *shudder* It is just so.... fake, and space invading.

Why fake?

[Parrothead]

I don't like holding hands with strangers, but it's part of the Mass and there's really no way out of it. I paste on a friendly smile and shake everyone's hand and make sure my kids do to. It would be very rude to refuse to offer peace to someone. Ditto on the hand-holding Our Father. I wish that hadn't been instituted, but it has and it would be very rude to not offer your hand. Knowing that these things are expected and when they're coming does make it easier to get through. I would really hate it if I wasn't expecting it.

 

OTOH, I do tell my ds not to take the wine at communion because it's a shared chalice. That's just too many germs for me. Since it's not required and lots of people skip it, I prefer my kids not do it. Now that my kids are in the children's choir, it's easier because they don't take a cup to that communion line since it's all kids, so it's not even an option.

Holding hands during the Our Father is not required. There is no reason you and your family can not clasp your hands in front of you and bow your head(s).

The hand holding wouldn't bother me...but is he asking you to pray OUT LOUD for the person next to you? That would freak me out. I just don't pray aloud in public!!

 

(and since I am running headlong into being a pastor's wife someday this really worries me!!!) :tongue_smilie:

:iagree:This is what would bother me.

 

 

The Sign of Peace does not bother me in the slightest. But I've not gotten 100% behind the hand holding during the Lord's Prayer. Dd likes to hold hands so if she is with us in the pew we will hold hands. If she is alter serving or if either dh or I go alone we do not hold hands. There is generally no one close enough on our right to hold hands with so if we do hold hands as a family there are no strangers involved.

[Ellie]

It's artificial. It has no scriptural or traditional basis. It doesn't make your prayers more efficacious. No one should be forced to hold hands with anyone. And I am *sure* you are not the only one who is unhappy.

 

So yes, you should bring it up. Gently, you know. And if no one else 'fesses up, then I think you should gently refuse to hold hands anyway.

[Georgiana Daniels]

I LOATHE this part of the service. LOATHE may not even be a strong enough word. Plus I'm not crazy about the 10 minutes of greeting/fellowship in the middle of the service. You'll find me in the bathroom.

[FaithManor]

It's flu season so this is doubly not SMART! It's a nice gesture but you can pray for the person on your right or left without having to touch them. I think that hand holding thing needs to be reserved for family prayer time or with your own, close personal friends that are comfortable with it. If I were a visitor, I would run screaming from the midst.....good night! Can we think of anything else to make visitors feel even more awkward????

 

Plus, having to take your dh's bosses hand is pretty inappropriate. If she was a regular attender and used to this kind of thing, then it might be okay. But, if dh's boss were visiting our church, this were announced, and he happened to be on our pew and dh or I had to "take him by the hand", I'm pretty sure that dh would be out of a job come Monday morning. Seriously, there are stringent policies about this!

 

Faith

[fairfarmhand]

I joke that I have a 6 foot personal space bubble around me. I don't like to be touched.

[Violet Crown]

This is the sort of thing (among others) that drove me to the Latin Mass.

 

Dh has had his hand seized and lifted high during the Our Father when he's attended Mass with me. He's not Christian, and is effectively being forced into a Christian prayer. I've several times had my hand forcibly held aloft at the doxology ("For the kingdom...") by tall pewmates (I'm 5'2"), which is surprisingly painful.

 

At one Mass at which I was visiting, the priest refused to continue until *everybody* was holding hands for the Our Father. Much shuffling and rearranging ensued. I would have been okay with it, but at that point I got my back up (a priest *cannot* hold the Mass hostage to a gesture that isn't even part of Mass) and kept my hands folded in front of me. At the sign of peace, the gentleman next to me refused to shake my hand.

 

I know this comes off as unutterably grumpy. But I love social time with my fellow parishioners, including handshaking and hugs and baby admiration, after Mass over coffee and doughnuts. At Mass, now that I'm old and cantankerous, I just want father to walk into the sanctuary, turn to the east, and start addressing God, without micromanaging my prayers. After decades of priests and their Personalities, it's an infinite relief to have the priest turn his back to me and just do his job.

Edited October 19, 2010 by Sharon in Austin

[mcconnellboys]

Well, with cold and flu season coming on I think you can certainly make the argument that such a thing might do more to spread contagion than anything else....

[Nakia]

We don't hold hands to pray or sing in our congregation, but my pastor does encourage us to "turn to some people and tell them you are glad they are here" or different versions of that. I am very touchy, so if I know many of the people around me, I will hug them or shake hands. On some days, though, when my anxiety is high, I just can't, so I sit down and start rummaging through my purse to go ahead and get my tithe out.

 

When we pray in small groups, we do hold hands, and I don't have a problem with it. I know someone asked, "What if it was a man?" That doesn't bother me a bit. There are usually men and women, and if I happen to be standing beside a man, I hold his hand. No big deal to me. My husband doesn't have a problem holding a woman's hand to pray either.

[edithcrawley]

I'd have issues with it. I'm fine with greeting the fellow choir members (either hugging or handshakes depending on the person), but I have issues doing that with strangers or mere acquaintances in the church (I recognize almost everybody, but I don't remember their names).

[lionfamily1999]

I really don't understand people calling hand holding "artificial" or "fake." What is "artificial" about it?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I really don't understand people calling hand holding "artificial" or "fake." What is "artificial" about it?

 

Don't worry it is real hand holding.;) It is the idea that it shows love and Christian community that is fake. The thing is, as you learn about how God really sees us and start to learn how to see other people, you are going to naturally start to have fruits of those attitudes in your life. And they won't be seen primarily in holding hands with others. And it is going to be a natural progression from those close to us to those we don't know as well. At least that is my experience.