Is homeschooling hard on a marriage?

[RamonaQ]

I was having this conversation with a friend this past week, as there are several homeschooling friends that are contemplating putting kids in school ultimately due to feeling unhappy with the marriage dynamics, and lack of fulfillment/ appreciation for the mother. Another friend at park day a few months ago made the comment that 'it is easy for the homeschooling parent to feel taken advantage of'.

 

I am interested in what you all think. For me, I think that marriage issues may be more apparent when you homeschool, as there is less distraction from issues outside the home, but ultimately unresolved marriage dynamics are present whether you homeschool or not.

[Snickerdoodle]

There are so many variables at play here I can't imagine how a blanket statement could be possible.

 

Could it be stressful on a marriage? Yes.

 

Is it always? No.

[Hockey Mom]

I'd have to say that the opposite has been true for us. It was my Dh's idea to homeschool. I was the one who was hesitant to do it. The thought of being with the kids 24/7 was enough to make me crazy before we even started! However, once I resigned to the fact that they weren't going to be gone all day, it's turned out to be one of the best things we could have ever done for our family. My children are better behaved, my husband is impressed with the direction we're going, and I'm less stressed in worrying about whether they're being indoctrinated by 'strangers'.

 

I have to agree with your last statement.

unresolved marriage dynamics are present whether you homeschool or not

[Pretty in Pink]

This has not been my experience. If anything our relationship has been strengthened through homeschooling. I can't describe how much it builds me up to hear my dh say positive things to his friends, co-workers, and family members about homeschooling. I know that he is very proud of the childen and I and all of the hard work that I have put into their educations.

[Jenny in GA]

I posted a thread about this same thing a few months ago. Years ago I asked a friend what the downside to homeschooling was, and she said, "There is anecdotal evidence that homeschooling makes a marriage suffer because they are more focused on the children than on each other."

 

However, when I asked others about it, few people agreed with that.

 

Jenny

[lllll]

..

[TravelingChris]

Not in our case. I think what would put hardships on our family if our children were in school. As it is, I think that my being with the children so much of the time helps make up for all the time dh isn't able to be with them.

 

Dh is a strong supporter of homeschooling.

[hornblower]

I think kids are hard on marriage, period.

[Starr]

I think kids are hard on marriage, period.

 

:D

[lionfamily1999]

I have to say that I feel like it balanced the scales for us. I'm not just a sahm (is anyone ever "just" a sahm?), I also homeschool. Dh is quick to correct friends that refer to me as "on scholarship," telling them that I've given up most of my life to provide for the lives of my family members :D That makes me proud. Slowly but surely the feeling of being parasitic is fading.

 

I can see where some marraiges might suffer, after all if one parent is responsible for educating the kids then that's a big load to carry. It's also a load that can make socialization for that parent pretty difficult. It means more dependence on the other parent for friendship. I do believe, though, that being willing to change as the need arises can help that.

[WeeBeaks]

I find it hard at times, just because it can lead to a higher stress level for me, which can cause discord with DH. We have always homeschooled though, so I can't say that the stress wouldn't be the same or worse trying to deal with the school system.

 

My oldest has severe ADHD and we struggle with his behavior, even with the intervention of psychiatry and behavioral therapy. This causes me a lot of stress and limits my social interaction (he is of the age where he acts younger and people do not accept that at all). This limited social interaction is hard on me and can spill over onto DH if I'm not careful. Again though, I think we would have behavior issues in school that I would be dealing with the fallout anyway, also stressful.

 

On the whole, I would say for me I guess neither positive nor negative impact compared to a public school experience based on what my friends go through. Kids themselves do sometimes put a strain on a marriage though ... there is just so much time and energy to go around.

[Impish]

I'd like to say 'no' and be confident in that.

 

However, there has been SO much thats changed in our family/marriage that I can't point to or eliminate what did what.

 

My injury at work, stressful.

Jumping through hoops for WCB that demanded Wolf be off work to be with our children b/c we homeschool, and the financial repercussions to that, mondo stressful.

Finding out that I won't recover, that this is IT, forever, explosion type stressful.

 

I don't doubt that while homeschool has added to stress (comments asking how I could manage hsing with severe chronic pain, and 'won't you be too stoned' from the meds I'm on are particularly blood boiling) it also added to the stability of our family. When my case mgr suggested I put Diva in school for 'just a few months', I don't know who was more incensed, Wolf or I. So, its been a rallying point for us too.

 

Everything, good or bad is stressful. Its a matter of which it is more often I guess.

[Jean in Newcastle]

For me it has strengthened my marriage. For one thing, because I am with my kids all day, I have absolutely no trouble telling them to run ahead on our family walk because I want time alone to talk to Dad. My dh's job does not make taking normal family vacations possible. He's often busiest at holiday times etc. so homeschooling makes it possible for us to have family vacations. That helps my marriage because those vacation times give me time with my dh too.

 

As far as the day-to-day stuff - I'm fairly confident and happy in our training of the children and in our schooling. There are stressful times but that would be true no matter where/how they were receiving an education. Most of those stressful times do not affect my marriage because 1. I come here to vent and get advice and 2. we share the same basic outlook on child training and schooling.

[Rosy]

I'm sure it's a trade-off. Because we homeschool, I have less time for myself and DH, the house isn't as clean, etc. But I can't even imagine life if I was working full-time and trying to have a fulfilling family life in the evenings and on weekends. Even if I was staying home while the kids were in school, there would be all the school issues we'd be dealing with, as well as doing all of the kids homework and activities during our family time.

 

Another friend at park day a few months ago made the comment that 'it is easy for the homeschooling parent to feel taken advantage of'.

 

For Pete's sake! Her husband goes to work every day to provide for her and the DC, and *she* would feel taken advantage of??? That is just sad. I thank God every day for a husband that takes care of us financially so that I can be with the kids. If anything, he's the one being taken advantage of...except that we both do our part willingly and are grateful for each other's contribution.

[bairnmama]

I'm glad to see that most are responding that it didn't put a strain, but in our house it did. Actually, I should say it put an extrememly bright spotlight on the strain already there. I was expected to keep the house and yard in the condition it would have been in if the kids weren't there 24/7 & I used the time they were in school/day care to clean and keep things orderly while still being ready to drop everything at the drop of a hat if he wanted to take off to the beach or woods for the day. I also was not given any help in the day to day teaching. He would do the occaisional 10 minute enrichment on an idea, but would never actually sit down and teach anything new. He liked the flexibility of dd being homeschooled (ds was too young at the time) and was homeschooled himself, but he just had unrealistic expectations of what could be accomplished before he came home from work (I was supposed to accomplish everything before then so I could devote ALL my attention to him when he came home - all laundry, cleaning, schooling, planning, errands, yard work, gardening, bill paying, child training...EVERYTHING!)

[Heather in WI]

As far as the day-to-day stuff - I'm fairly confident and happy in our training of the children and in our schooling. There are stressful times but that would be true no matter where/how they were receiving an education.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't really understand how homeschooling per se could negatively impact my marriage.

 

Dh and I have always had a wonderful relationship. We both try to see each other's point of view and have rarely felt an issue was our hill to die on. Have we gone through hard times? Yes, but those weren't really homeschooling related marriage problems, but life problems (death, sickness, finance, job change, etc.)

 

I could see how certain behaviors I've seen mentioned or applauded here regarding homeschooling could negatively impact a marriage, but I tend to think those personalities would have the same selfish, self-destructive pattern whether they were homeschooling, private-schooling, or public schooling.

 

Homeschooling has made us a much tighter-knit family overall. We have time for each other and we know each other.

 

For Pete's sake! Her husband goes to work every day to provide for her and the DC, and *she* would feel taken advantage of??? That is just sad. I thank God every day for a husband that takes care of us financially so that I can be with the kids. If anything, he's the one being taken advantage of...except that we both do our part willingly and are grateful for each other's contribution.

 

:iagree:

 

I worked full-time for a year and a half before our second son was born. That was the most stressful time in my life! I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. :-)

Edited May 12, 2010 by Heather in WI

[Greta]

In my case I would have to say no. I think it has strengthened the whole family dynamic, and in that sense has been good for our marriage.

 

It's also made me more conscientious of the sacrifices that my wonderful husband makes so that I am *able* (financially) to stay home with my daughter. We married with the expectation that I would be a career mom, so he's been incredibly understanding and supportive considering how drastically he has had to change his expectations. We own a smaller and more modest home than we would have otherwise, we are both driving 10+ year old cars that are held together with duct tape and prayers, and we have done about a quarter the travel that we both would have loved to have done. He was willing to give all of that up because of the way *I* wanted to raise our daughter. How can I not love him for that???

 

Now if he would just realize how much of our day goes to schooling and that I really do have a legitimate need for a housekeeper, I'd consider him an absolute prince among men! :lol:

Edited May 12, 2010 by GretaLynne

[angela in ohio]

I think it depends on the couple (isn't that always the answer?)

 

I know moms who put so much into homeschooling/kids that I can't imagine that their dh feels loved or special. Of course, they would probably do that even if they weren't homeschooling. I don't know if hyper-focusing on the children would be more common in homeschooling parents than in non? Maybe...

[Mrs Mungo]

I think it's easy to blame anything that's out of the norm for the state of your relationship. There are people in all sorts of situations who have great relationships.

[AuntPol]

I think each family has a different dynamic.

 

Having kids almost destroyed us in general. My husband has no respect for me as a SAHM mom. He wanted me to work, even if meant we paid more in child care than I brought in because he felt embarassed that I did not work. He felt he didn't have to lift a finger around the house because he brought home the paycheck. When I went back to work, he didn't regain the respect nor did he start helping out. Kids were in school and I had all the responsibilities of homework, etc. We basically hated each other and we had not started homeschooling yet.

 

Eventually, it all game to a head. We almost divorced but went to counseling. While doing this, the school decided they didn't want to deal with me and started calling him. He saw that I had been right about the school all these years and wanted me to homeschool our son while our dd stayed in school. Then 9 months later, we brought her home.

 

Homeschooling did bring us closer together as a couple and a family. However, we still had issues over housework. He continued to maintain that all I did from time I got up to time I went to bed was sit on computer. I think magic fairies came in to do homeschool the kids, do the housework, the laundry, the grocery shopping, etc. Our counselor had me write out all the things that I have to do in a week and asked my husband to write out how much time each should take me to do in his opinion. That shut him up real quick. The counselor told him that he had to view our household as one with two working parents (he with his job, and me as a fulltime yet unpaid instructer who also works part time for DH at his company). He even suggested that DH write the check for what it would cost us to put kids in private school and consider that my income LOL. I can't say we are completely even in chores again but he's making progress (now we're dealing more with his natural procrastination and general afterwork need of downtime). I mentioned last week that I was feeling burnt out and couldn't wait for school to be over. He said I was lucky, I got a break because he didn't. I reminded him that I never got a break. I was always either with the house or with the kids. Even when my full time teaching job is over for day/school year, I am still mom to same kids that I teach. It would be like he having to come home to his employees everyday (which he does right now because one is living with us temporarily and that is driving him crazy but at least that guy leaves on occasional weekends and will be out of house w/in the year and doesn't go with us on vacations).

[Peri]

I think it highly depends on if your spouse doesn't support you wanting to homeschool. But for me it goes even further. Its more being concerned about the kids and both spouses not being on the same page about what to do about it. Me and my husband both want our kids to keep our religious values. DH thinks the kids just need to toughen up and stand up against peer pressure and not worry about fitting in and all the other stuff kids have to deal with in PS. I think we should just HS and avoid all that unneeded stress to our kids so that they can really focus on education. I just don't know how to get through to him. They are kids not soldiers. Plus I just know that all it takes is one little mistake and he will point all ten of his fingers, and probably all ten of his toes as well, at me and blame me. This has put a huge amount of stress on our relationship. It is really hard for me to love him given his rationality.

 

Sorry for venting.

[Garga]

I think kids are hard on marriage, period.

 

I have a book called "After the baby" that has data showing that most people divorce after having kids. Adding children to a marriage can totally change the marriage. It can be hard to stabilize the marriage after kids are added to the mix. I would think that if you haven't stabilized the marriage after the kids are born, then homeschooling could just add to your marital problems.

 

But if you've resolved your "kid" issues in marriage before homeschooling, I don't think hs-ing messes things up necessarily. There'll always be families out there where hsing does cause problems, but I don't think it's the norm.

[May]

I knew how unhappy my dd was when she attended school. I'm sure the stress I felt over the situation impacted our marriage. Once the decision to homeschool was made, my husband and I both were relieved. He also gave me permission not to think I had to be supermom. So for our family, having dd in school was definitely more stressful in our relationship.

[Tree House Academy]

Homeschooling has been wonderful for our marriage...I am sure that has to do with the fact that both my husband and I feel very strongly about the importance of what we are doing. It often brings us closer as we talk about the progress our kids are making each year. :)

[abbeyej]

No, I would say the opposite. But... You know... Marriage is hard. And I think I have a pretty darn good one. :) Perhaps there are circumstances where home schooling could exacerbate some problems that are already there?

 

In our case, I think we'd have more and different stressors if we weren't home schooling. And we love having the extra family time and the flexibility that home schooling affords us.

 

But sure, any time spouses aren't on the same page (for instance, with the importance or even acceptability of home schooling), or when one feels under-appreciated (which can happen in any circumstance, but could certainly happen with home schooling), or when financial strains are overwhelming (and one parent is sacrificing potential income to be at home).... Well, those things make marriage much harder.

 

But I don't think that "home schooling" strains marriages any more than "big houses" (with big mortgages, large spaces to clean, potential to be isolated) or "small houses" (cramped quarters, storage difficulties, no privacy) do. It's just a thing. But it could, in some cases, exacerbate issues that are already there...

[Momma2Many66]

Not in our case.

 

Homeschooling has actually really strenghtened our marraige.

 

I feel really appreciated, my husband is my biggest supporter and cheerleader and is constantly bragging about all I do to homeschool our children each day to all his family, friends and co-workers.

 

His daily encouragment really strenghtens a bond between us, I know what I do is really important to him and my children.

 

Not to mention, my husband loves to come home and find out all the new things our children have learned that day and he gets all excited when they show him everything we do. These special times result in some really interesting night-time talks between us as we share about great ideas we both have on what we want the children to learn and work on next.

 

Oh and we also share those secret looks and smiles between us when we run into family, friends or aquaintences that are "homeschooling critics". Those secret looks that we share between us is a signal and reminder to both of us that we have somebody else on our side, somebody else who understands and that we swim against that tide together as a team.

 

No, homeschooling has been a HUGE blessing to our marraige and family !

Edited May 12, 2010 by Momma2Many66
forgot something and run on sentence

[justamouse]

Personally, my relationship with my dh has been strengthened by homeschooling.

[Sahamamama]

Some of the positive effects of homeschooling on our marriage:

 

 

• My husband and I probably talk more about our DREAMS and GOALS than we would if we were not homeschooling. I think that because homeschooling is a bit non-mainstream, deciding to do it, to pursue it, might mean that we think more deeply about our life choices. My husband and I find ourselves discussing ALL aspects of our goals quite often, but sometimes an issue related to home educating our girls is what starts the conversation.
  
• We support each other's contribution to the total family goal. What I mean is that, when I'm tempted to grumble about hubby having another late work night, I think, "Well, we agreed that this is what we need to do this year [fellowship year] for him to get his foot in this door." So, when he calls and says, "Sorry, Honey, it looks like I'll be late tonight," I try to encourage him to do his best, tell him we'll be praying for his case (OR), and so on. He has told me that this support really helps him to focus on his work and his training, and he does the similar type of encouragement for me. The choice to home educate has made us more aware, IMO, of how each of us contributes to the ability to DO this, to make it WORK. So we support each other's efforts, study time, work, and rest.
  
• We are able to share more time together. Some days, my husband does come home early, instead of late. He might even get a surprise day off, and that really throws a wrench into my neatly laid plans, LOL! But then we include him in our "school time." He might play Bug Bingo with the three year old twins, get out his djembe and give the girls some Drum & Dance with Daddy time, or practice math facts with the eldest. Most of the time, it's wonderful to have an extra day with him, to fold him into our routine, or to simply put it all on hold for a day and GET OUTSIDE to a park!
  
• Because the girls are home with me, even if hubby works late, I can tell him all about our day when he does come home. He loves to hear about what the girls have done. OTOH, there are times when I need to vent and tell him just how AWFUL they've all been! :lol: And he will find the time to talk to them about how to respect and cooperate with Mommy.... I feel blessed and honored to truly have his support.
  
• The decision to home educate our children takes the pressure off us to spend a ton of money on preschool and/or private school. We have friends whose children are in the local preschools and private schools; we just don't know how they afford it. Several hundred dollars a month is more than we have right now. I couldn't justify it (in my own mind), at least not for Kindergarten! :001_huh: Sheesh. She's five years old! I keep thinking about what I could DO if I actually HAD $500 a month. ;)
  
• One other thing that I hope I can express clearly. For us, the decision to educate our children at home makes us feel more aware of ourselves as a family, makes us feel more.... self-sufficient? My husband and I talk about how we don't want to isolate our children (and we don't), but at the same time, we like the idea of their early years being simpler -- just less running all over the place. For years now, I've watched my sister deal with teachers, principals, bus drivers, other parents, school kids, child study teams, school social workers, school nurses, coaches, police officers (yup), judges (yup), school psychologists.... the whole gang, folks! It looks and feels and sounds EXHAUSTING to me. My sister always has that Seriously Frazzled Mother look, KWIM? Maybe when my kids are older, I will too, LOL, but even she has told me, "Sis, home school your kids. They're too sweet to put in public school." And that surprised me, coming from her! So, it feels as if we can keep our family unit closer (not closed), and make the girls' early years a simple, wholesome time of life.
  

 

HTH. If I can think of any negatives, I'll let you know! ;)

[Dawn in OH]

Like anything, I think it depends on the people involved.

 

Homeschooling was initially my husband's idea, back when our youngest was first born. At the time I knew nearly nothing about it. I began doing some research and decided that his reasons for us to homeschool our children.

 

My husband has been very supportive throughout the years we have been doing this. He often praises me for all the effort and energy I put into the children's education. He never denies any of my requests for funds for school supplies. He never complains about household tasks that may not have been accomplished because I was busy with school.

 

Sure, we've had a few disagreements about what the kids should be learning, or how I lay out the day. But that's a minor thing.

 

If he didn't support the homeschooling, denied me funds that I need to do the educating or was angered by the clutter, forgotten load of laundry, etc. we could easily have problems in our marriage that would be related to homeschooling. Luckily, my husband and I are on the same page about the children's education (most of the time) and he understands that sometimes the house might get messy or tasks might be neglected for a day or two.

 

I can see how homeschooling might cause stress on a marriage, but in our house it does not.

[RamonaQ]

 

For Pete's sake! Her husband goes to work every day to provide for her and the DC, and *she* would feel taken advantage of??? That is just sad. I thank God every day for a husband that takes care of us financially so that I can be with the kids. If anything, he's the one being taken advantage of...except that we both do our part willingly and are grateful for each other's contribution.

 

Well, I think maybe the words "taken advantage of" are perhaps not the best choice, but the sentiment I tend to agree with. The sentiment being what I heard a lot when I was in the software industry-- "scope creep". This is when the software is originally supposed to do a limited number of things, but over the course of development new features and functions get added into the software-- not because people have necessarily agreed, it just "kind of happens". I have noticed much "scope creep" in my years of being home.

 

Initially, all the housework was somewhat equally divided, but as the years go on, there has been much "Since you are home...." type of reasoning. Soon I have found myself running errands for dh during the day, managing phone calls about stuff I don't have a clue about, etc...

[tricia]

For us it hasn't been. But then I don't know the difference since I've never had children in school. Well, for any length of time anyway. 5 weeks once for a K that didn't work out. That was hard on our marriage. Putting him in school in the first place!:) DH and I have always enjoyed having all of our children around us all the time. It's been a huge blessing.

[lionfamily1999]

Well, I think maybe the words "taken advantage of" are perhaps not the best choice, but the sentiment I tend to agree with. The sentiment being what I heard a lot when I was in the software industry-- "scope creep". This is when the software is originally supposed to do a limited number of things, but over the course of development new features and functions get added into the software-- not because people have necessarily agreed, it just "kind of happens". I have noticed much "scope creep" in my years of being home.

 

Initially, all the housework was somewhat equally divided, but as the years go on, there has been much "Since you are home...." type of reasoning. Soon I have found myself running errands for dh during the day, managing phone calls about stuff I don't have a clue about, etc...

taken for granted

[vettechmomof2]

not in my household

[elegantlion]

Homeschooling has been great for us. My dh never forgets to compliment the work I do. I worked full time before ds was born and he understands that I still work full time, I just don't leave the house.

 

He gets to spend more time with his son, which makes him happy. We are closer as a family, which makes us all happy. Dh pitches in with housework, laundry, cleaning, everything but the catbox.

 

We do focus a lot on ds, but it's not kid-centric, it's family centric.

[Rhonda in TX]

We have many stresses in our marriage, but homeschooling is not one of them. I can see how it could be, though.

[Guest]

This has really made me think. My initial response is that homeschooling has made my marriage infinitely more difficult: I've given up my work, colleagues, an income, etc., and my husband does far, far less than he ever has around the house or with our daughter.

 

But as I think about it, I am realizing that things probably would be just as unequal if I had continued work. I would still be the one dealing with all things having to do with our Aspie child: the appointments, the therapies, the school hassles (if she were in school), homework supervision, cooking, shopping, cleaning. My dh is an Aspie too, and has not been able to understand or participate in the idea of having home also be a place of learning. He was sent away across half the globe to boarding school in England at age eight, so he has no model of family life, no model of anything other than the most rigidly traditional of British schools. When our daughter briefly attended private school last fall, it was almost sad the way he finally found something he could understand and do: half the dropping off or picking up. That was it; nothing more. Nor has he been able to form a relationship with our child the way a neurotypical parent would do.

 

So I thank this thread and the contributors for making me realize it's not the fact of homeschooling that is the source of my frustrations and isolation. (And I also thank everybody on the boards for helping to lessen that isolation.)

[Laura Corin]

I'm sure it can be. Home education has brought our family together and sustained it through difficult times.

 

Laura

[LibraryLover]

For dh and me, no.

 

I can see the down sides, however, especially if parents do not agree on methodology or philosophy.

[Rosie_0801]

I think the hard thing about marriage is there is two people in it. We can't fix that though, because that's also the good thing about it!

 

I don't think homeschooling could be anywhere near as hard on a marriage as having both people working outside the house all day, every day. When we did that, we were too exhausted to have a relationship when we were actually in the same place.

 

Rosie

[fairfarmhand]

I think it could be hard on a marriage but it is not for my family. At times I have felt lonely, especially when he is working long hours and all I've had for company are the short people. But I am married to a man who considers that what I do here is work as well. But my kind of work lets me stay up late when he is late coming in, as well as the kids. My kind of work lets me stop by his office for lunch, or go on vacation in September. The longer we've homeschooled the more he has pitched in on the work around here.

 

I guess it boils down to, he respects what I do. I respect what he does.

[kalanamak]

All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.

 

 

--Tolstoy

[Joker]

My marriage is better because we homeschool. I still have days that I'm stressed (about curr. choices, socialization, etc.) but I'm no longer stressed daily because of the poor education they were getting at the school down the street. I'm pretty happy now, and because of that so are dh and the girls. I think every family is different and if a marriage is in trouble it's not all because of homeschooling.

[lionfamily1999]

I think the hard thing about marriage is there is two people in it. We can't fix that though, because that's also the good thing about it!

 

I don't think homeschooling could be anywhere near as hard on a marriage as having both people working outside the house all day, every day. When we did that, we were too exhausted to have a relationship when we were actually in the same place.

 

Rosie

:iagree:

[HRAAB]

I

I don't think homeschooling could be anywhere near as hard on a marriage as having both people working outside the house all day, every day. When we did that, we were too exhausted to have a relationship when we were actually in the same place.

 

Rosie

 

:iagree: The most difficult time in my marriage was when we were both working full time with two young children. Marriage and family life were so much better when I quit; it was worth losing 50% of our income.

[KJsMom]

I might sound wishy washy, but yes and no. There are parts of our marriage that are stronger now and parts that are much more stressful. HSing was my dh's idea to begin with. I never planned to be a sahm, much less HS. Now I wouldn't trade it for anything. The financial aspect is the biggest stressor. When I worked we had extra income. My dh wanted me home taking care of our dd and I don't think that he fully considered the impact having only one income would make. 7 years later he is still trying to come to terms with it.

[Night Elf]

It's not true for us. Our marital stresses would be the same whether or not we homeschool our children. I suppose it's because we're on the same page where homeschooling is concerned. I don't think our marriage is either strengthened or weakened by homeschooling.

[Rosy]

Well, I think maybe the words "taken advantage of" are perhaps not the best choice, but the sentiment I tend to agree with. The sentiment being what I heard a lot when I was in the software industry-- "scope creep". This is when the software is originally supposed to do a limited number of things, but over the course of development new features and functions get added into the software-- not because people have necessarily agreed, it just "kind of happens". I have noticed much "scope creep" in my years of being home.

 

Initially, all the housework was somewhat equally divided, but as the years go on, there has been much "Since you are home...." type of reasoning. Soon I have found myself running errands for dh during the day, managing phone calls about stuff I don't have a clue about, etc...

 

I guess I see a lot of that as my job because I'm home all day...even if I'm busy part of the time with homeschooling, it's not the same as being gone 8-5. There's a lot that can't be done after business hours.

 

If someone truly was being taken advantage of (or thought they were being taken advantage of), I can see how that would be hard on the marriage. But I also can't see being the one at home and insisting on dividing the housework equally...maybe that's not what you're saying, though? When DH is at home, I want him to spend the bulk of his time with the kids and me--which sometimes means cleaning together, but it also means that I do more around here without feeling put upon.

[Rosy]

I think the hard thing about marriage is there is two people in it. We can't fix that though, because that's also the good thing about it!

 

:iagree: Well said! And I think if both people are doing their best for each other and the kids, and convinced of their spouse's good intentions, any scenario will be more or less doable. And if one or both people don't feel loved/respected or are putting their own needs first, nothing will be doable.

[Geo]

I think kids are hard on marriage, period.

 

We're just now experiencing that after almost 30 years of marriage.

 

Geo

[newbie]

It doesnt cause problems, but if he helped out w/subjects , it couldnt hurt.