WWYD? 10yo dd and behavior

[frugalmamatx]

EDITED:

 

Thank you all for your advice and replies. 

Edited October 26, 2016 by frugalmamatx

[Reefgazer]

I think what you are doing is a good start, but I would also remove all access to electronic media; she won't be planning much and getting into trouble as easily that way. 

[TXBeth]

I agree you need to amp up the supervision, both physically and in regards to electronics. But that is just a stop-gap while you get to the root of the issue.

Is she feeling unappreciated? unloved? unwanted? Why does she have a problem with the new boyfriend? Maybe there is a real issue there, or maybe she just needs reassurance that she still comes first in your life. Is she having issues with entitlement and not wanting to do her share of chores, or are you actually requiring too much of her?

I think piling on consequences without getting to the underlying reasons for her behavior will just increase her resentment and make the problem worse.

[gardenmom5]

I agree you need to amp up the supervision, both physically and in regards to electronics. But that is just a stop-gap while you get to the root of the issue.

Is she feeling unappreciated? unloved? unwanted? Why does she have a problem with the new boyfriend? Maybe there is a real issue there, or maybe she just needs reassurance that she still comes first in your life. Is she having issues with entitlement and not wanting to do her share of chores, or are you actually requiring too much of her?

I think piling on consequences without getting to the underlying reasons for her behavior will just increase her resentment and make the problem worse.

this.

don't underestimate the potential problem she has with the new boyfriend.   my mother ended up in a relationship when I was a teen that adversely affected our relationship for the rest of her life.  it was the particular boyfriend - as she'd had others. (as an adult with adult chidlren, I can tell you - it *was* the boyfriend was a very very bad influence on her and it did affect me because he was at our house.)

so, find out what it is and that she may have a legitimate concern.

[Plink]

Be careful with consequences right now.  She is feeling as if her life would be better without you and boyfriend.  Anything you do will be added to your list of faults.

 

As Beth said, you really need to get to the root of the problem.  Family counseling would probably be a good idea.  ASD kids don't adjust quickly to change, and it sounds as if the new boyfriend is making her feel displaced.  If you want your relationship with both of them to survive, you will need to move slowly and make sure that she is on board before shifting her routine in any way.

[Plink]

 She said she was sorry and seemed honestly sorry, but she also is an excellent actor. 

Just adding that this sentence is very revealing about your relationship.  

 

She said she was sorry, you think she seemed sorry, yet you still doubt her.  I can't imagine how she is going to feel loved and wanted if she can't even get an apology right.  

 

Please seek professional counseling.

[frugalmamatx]

Updated post with more info

[amy g.]

I have a 10 year old daughter and I would be beside myself if she tried to run away. The first thing I would try to do is to heal the relationship with her.

 

I would spend as much time as I could with her and make sure that if I had to go someplace without her, that she stayed with someone I trusted but that she really enjoyed.

 

My 10 year old has always been very mature for her age , and yet I don't leave her at home alone.

 

Next, I would take away all electronics. She is showing you with her actions that she isn't ready for them.

 

I had to do this with one of my daughters. 2 1/2 years later when she got electronics again she was mature enough to treat them as tools and not spend so much time on them.

 

I think she needed that break from them and from the outside influences the electronics were bringing into her life.

 

Good luck. It is a long, hard process, but I know that building up your relationship with her and letting her know that no one is as important to you as your own child will pay off years down the line.

[Jaybee]

I just finished reading this book: https://www.amazon.com/Hold-Your-Kids-Parents-Matter/dp/0375760288/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1477323293&sr=8-1&keywords=hold+on+to+your+kids+why+parents+need+to+matter+more+than+peers

 

I found it thought-provoking. Peers may not be the issue here, but there are lots of things to think about in regard to pulling her in close to you that may be beneficial to your relationship with her. It sounds a little bit from your ETA like you may be underestimating the importance of your relationship to her and her healthy development.

[FriedClams]

I'd see about counseling.

 

I'd disconnect the internet for her and limit your use to strictly work hours (turning it off at other times).

 

I'd cut out screens you aren't using together at the same time (like sharing a tv show).

 

I'd look for ways for her to be busy - girl scouts, a sport, 4h, volunteering - something to help her get out of herself.

 

And I'd dump the boyfriend. It sounds like your time and energy need to be really focused on her and your relationship.

 

I'd make sure you're bonding - cooking together, go for an after dinner walk, go get an ice cream. Nothing fancy or expensive but time together to listen and connect.

[alisoncooks]

Just about the not-pulling-away thing....

 

At 10, *I* was very much my own person, very independent and reserved.  My current 10 year old, however, needs me more than ever.  She very much wants to be around me and talk to me and show me things.  Sometimes overwhelmingly so.  (I try to count my blessings because it is a blessing that she craves my company.)  So perhaps your daughter has a personality like this?

[SKL]

Does she have a serious hobby / passion, a sport, charity, or other activity that she commits to and works at?  I would encourage her to get involved in something, set goals, and work toward them on an ongoing basis.  It can give her more of a feeling of being in control of something and a reason to keep on keeping on.

 

I agree with strictly limiting and supervising internet access for a while.

 

It's pretty normal for girls that age to feel like life is unfair.  I might have tried to run away at that age too - but my mom never found out because I changed my mind and came home.  :P  Thing was, I had no idea where I would go anyway.  Figured I'd live under a bridge until I found a job or something.  Nowadays, girls can find online information about people who will "help them find a new life."  Unfortunately these are human traffickers, so we have to be careful in a way our parents didn't.

[ktgrok]

Can you explain how she was using the electronics to plan running away? Was she running too someone? Has she been talking to people online that maybe encouraging this?

[SKL]

I agree that the boyfriend could be a significant factor.  I'm a single mom, and I won't even consider seeking male companionship while I have young daughters to raise.  They and my job take all I have to give.  I only have 8 more years of legal rights to my kids; I can seek other goals after that.

[happi duck]

I don't know if this could factor into your daughter's feelings but wanted to share just in case...

 

My dh works from home and the "he's here but he's not *here*" aspect of it is hard.

 

Ime, it takes conscious effort to make sure working from home doesn't make others feel ignored.

 

Also, with computer work it looks the same as other computer time.

 

There were times I gave up on waiting to talk to dh because I thought he was working and he wasn't.

 

(Hugs)

 

 

.

Edited October 24, 2016 by happi duck

[Pen]

I agree that you need family counseling so that someone who is right there can help you both.

 

And you need to supervise and build your relationship.

 

Was she running away to try to get stopped in order for you to see how unhappy she is, or was she actually wanting to be away and gone?

[wendy not in HI]

My husband and I have been volunteering at a shelter for older youth and teens.  It's a group home for kids who are not able to be placed in foster care for a number of reasons.  It has been eye opening to see these kids and hear about what trouble they have been able to get into in their young lives.  Kids who run away are in serious danger of being abused and getting involved in serious drug troubles.  I'm not saying that your daughter is ready for a life of crime, but 10 years old is just a few years away from 14.  You want to protect her and teach her to want to be home, while you still have a huge influence in her life.

 

It has also been interesting to see the rules that the center has.  Things are really strict for the kids who have just arrived - no electronics (I'm pretty sure none of them are allowed personal electronics, but they are able to earn computer time), and no leaving the center.  They earn privileges - even being trusted to go to school is a privilege they have to earn.  Being allowed to play basketball outside is a privilege they have to earn.  

 

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here.  Maybe I just want to say - be so careful!  Try to get some help now - seek out counseling and help if you are able to. I know that this group home offers counseling to families not involved in the care center - you may be able to find the same kind of help in your area.  Do it now while she is still young, before running away becomes the habit and preferred lifestyle for her.  And don't be afraid to be strict - she needs to earn your trust before she is able to use the computer or play outside alone.  I would completely cut off internet access and only allow her to earn electronic time.  I would not leave her home alone. If she is able to come with you, even if you are at a boring meeting, she needs to be there.  If she really can't come, you need to find safe child care for her.

 

Parenting is hard!  Hugs to you.  I hope today is a better day for both of you!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Is dd homeschooled?

 

For many hs'ed children, Mom is their whole world. Even if they are in lots of activities and doing well with their studies, they are very connected to us...it's not at all like when we were public schooled, peer dependent tweens and teens whose parents could be relegated to the periphery if we wanted. Homeschooled kids' lives are quite different in that way, especially preteens.

 

There are some detaching elements to your life now -- the boyfriend, the working from home with less attention for your child, the times you need to leave her to go somewhere without her. It would be more convenient and seem "normal" to you if she could handle all of that, especially if she would PREFER that you lived your life and she lived hers, but if it's not true, it's not true!

 

Consider whether your actions and decisions are detaching or attaching, if you can. I am sure you have a lot of challenges toward this, I'm not saying I have the first clue how you'll do it, but try to attach more than you detach. Instead of looking to punish her and require more independence from her, do the opposite and pull her closer.

 

If you need help doing that, seek counseling! She is not the first 10yo to get worried about home life and think she might want to run away. You are not the first mother to need help navigating a child's needs. But you need help right away, because the part about being online and planning her moves is very, very dangerous. It's a great big red flag, with no more time to wait and see if she does it again; you have to learn how to keep it from happening again if possible.

 

Hugs to you. I would have been so scared. You are probably exhausted. :grouphug:

[kroe1]

Let me preface by saying my household is much stricter than most on this board. I do not believe I am ever to be friends with my children. I believe my job is to keep them safe and to teach them how to jump out of my wallet. I also would not want to be a kid in my house. It is tough with extremely high expectations.

 

If I had a kiddo run away at such a young age, I would probably handcuff her to my body. She would go to work with me, bathe with me, eat with me, and even sleep with me. This would keep her safe. Over time, she would slowly earn little privileges back. But, I doubt she would get internet accessible electronics back for years and years.

 

You mentioned she is an actress. It is great you have figured that out. You do not trust her and for good reason. Her behavior demonstrates she should not have your trust at this time. You must keep her safe above all else.

 

Second, you have to eventually get her out of your wallet. Keep her mind and body challenged, whatever that may mean for her level. A busy kiddo has limited time to plan trouble. Make sure her curriculum is tailored to maximize her strengths and challenge her weaknesses. Make sure she learns to play an instrument, act or sing in front of audiences, and play a sport or two. You may be already doing these things. Structured activities every day of the week until 9 or 10 at night is not necessarily a bad thing for a child who is obviously smart enough to preplan a getaway.

 

I pray the best for you and your daughter. Keep us posted.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Kids with ASD tend to have very black and white, all or nothing thinking.  So when she got upset, she goes all out because of that.  You need to be able to give her the reassurance she needs while helping her to express her emotions in a more appropriate way.

 

The fact that she apologized is great.  I would be very very surprised if a child with ASD is a good actor.  I would tend to think that what you think of as acting is actually her inability to totally see things from your perspective because of the ASD.  So she apologizes because she knows that it is necessary but might not understand all that goes with it. 

 

I think that you need help from a professional who really understands ASD. 

[MomatHWTK]

...

 

I think that you need help from a professional who really understands ASD. 

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:

 

Focus on your child and get help that addresses her specific needs. 

[PeterPan]

Yeah, first thing that came to my mind when I read your saga was there was ASD going on, and then you mentioned it.  I think you have to get ASD-specific help, preferably from a behaviorist (BCBA).  They can talk with her, do some work on social thinking, help her learn some strategies from problem solving.  Right now the only strategy she has is to run away, which is very scary and dangerous!  My ds is on the spectrum and has these kinds of extremes, so it's something we're always concerned about.  I would definitely bring in autism-specific help.

[6packofun]

I agree that the boyfriend could be a significant factor.  I'm a single mom, and I won't even consider seeking male companionship while I have young daughters to raise.  They and my job take all I have to give.  I only have 8 more years of legal rights to my kids; I can seek other goals after that.

 

I know that adults can make different choices, but I wanted to pop on here and say that I REALLY applaud this one!  I know at times it may not be easy, but that is amazing parenting right there.   :hurray:

[MomatHWTK]

Now that I have a little more time... If ASD has not manifested with problematic behavior, it can be very easy to ignore it as a root cause of issues as they come up. But what I have learned is that the ASD is always there. The difference thinking patterns are always going to have an influence on the child. Also, all three of my children who have passed the age 10 milestone, NT or not, have had major personality adjustments at that time. Understanding where your child is coming from rather than just reacting to the external manifestations of whatever he or she is feeling is essential. You can't punish a child out of feelings and thoughts. 

 

From reading your post, it seems like you are willing to trust a stranger online but believe your own child is capable of deceit. To me, this says you are more invested in one of those people than the other. If my relationship had broken with my child to the point where she left me, I'd drop everything else to work on fixing it. That is a reflection of my personal value system and deeply held beliefs- which I am painfully aware that others don't share. It will be up to you to decide what your own priorities are and focus on those. 

 

 

[Misha]

I'm a mom to 10 and 11 year old DD's and I can't imagine the pain you must both be in right now. Hugs. 

 

Counseling - above everything else. Spending more time with her, heavy supervision with electronics, but really I would find the best therapist that I could and start going and opening up. Family counseling as well as counseling for each of you on your own. 

[mamiof5]

Let me preface by saying my household is much stricter than most on this board. I do not believe I am ever to be friends with my children. I believe my job is to keep them safe and to teach them how to jump out of my wallet. I also would not want to be a kid in my house. It is tough with extremely high expectations.

 

If I had a kiddo run away at such a young age, I would probably handcuff her to my body. She would go to work with me, bathe with me, eat with me, and even sleep with me. This would keep her safe. Over time, she would slowly earn little privileges back. But, I doubt she would get internet accessible electronics back for years and years.

 

You mentioned she is an actress. It is great you have figured that out. You do not trust her and for good reason. Her behavior demonstrates she should not have your trust at this time. You must keep her safe above all else.

 

Second, you have to eventually get her out of your wallet. Keep her mind and body challenged, whatever that may mean for her level. A busy kiddo has limited time to plan trouble. Make sure her curriculum is tailored to maximize her strengths and challenge her weaknesses. Make sure she learns to play an instrument, act or sing in front of audiences, and play a sport or two. You may be already doing these things. Structured activities every day of the week until 9 or 10 at night is not necessarily a bad thing for a child who is obviously smart enough to preplan a getaway.

 

I pray the best for you and your daughter. Keep us posted.

I feel for your kids :( I hope never ever anyone thought of me as something they have to get out of their wallet.

 

Not sure if I'm reading much into your response, but it really came across (for me) a little too harsh. I hope I'm wrong.

[mamiof5]

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I would make a priority to work on the relationship with my daughter. As much as I could I'd try to get to the root of this. What was her plan? Is there someone encouraging her to run away? What was she going to do? I mean, she's only 10...what was her plan for food, shelter, transportation etc?

 

Just a couple comments on your op are red flags for us. Her own computer at 10? Paying for a broken cellphone...her cellphone?? We have 10 and 12 yr old daughters, also have a young adult. Our oldest didn't get her own laptop til she graduated from highschool. There's just TOO MUCH out there for us to be comfortable with our girls having their own computer.

 

A couple years ago a police officer came to our church, gave us parents a wonderful talk about online safety. Part of it was making the right decision as of when a child has access to electronic devices. I really encourage you to try to ask the police station if they have someone who could talk to you and her about online safety, electronics usage etc.

 

And your expectation for her to pull away?? She's only 10. Maybe you felt better left alone, but maybe your dd is very lonely.

 

I really wish you the best!! I'd definitely make her my number one priority. Children need to feel loved, and I can't tell if she feels loved or wanted right now.

[Artichoke]

Let me preface by saying my household is much stricter than most on this board. I do not believe I am ever to be friends with my children. I believe my job is to keep them safe and to teach them how to jump out of my wallet. I also would not want to be a kid in my house. It is tough with extremely high expectations.

 

If I had a kiddo run away at such a young age, I would probably handcuff her to my body. She would go to work with me, bathe with me, eat with me, and even sleep with me. This would keep her safe. Over time, she would slowly earn little privileges back. But, I doubt she would get internet accessible electronics back for years and years.

 

You mentioned she is an actress. It is great you have figured that out. You do not trust her and for good reason. Her behavior demonstrates she should not have your trust at this time. You must keep her safe above all else.

 

Second, you have to eventually get her out of your wallet. Keep her mind and body challenged, whatever that may mean for her level. A busy kiddo has limited time to plan trouble. Make sure her curriculum is tailored to maximize her strengths and challenge her weaknesses. Make sure she learns to play an instrument, act or sing in front of audiences, and play a sport or two. You may be already doing these things. Structured activities every day of the week until 9 or 10 at night is not necessarily a bad thing for a child who is obviously smart enough to preplan a getaway.

 

I pray the best for you and your daughter. Keep us posted.

 

I find the bolded to be so sad.   One of the things I am the most thankful for as my children grow older is that we can relate as adults.  These are relationships  that I truly enjoy and relish.   The time we get to spend together as adults and not as mother to child are to me times of true friendship and fellowship.  It's not always sunshine and roses, but it's a deeper and in some ways more personal relationship than we had when they were children.  

[SKL]

Not sure if this is relevant here or not, but I just want to throw it in.  I really try to end every day on a loving note.  Even those days when one or both of my kids is being a complete jerk at bedtime.  A few days ago I went back several times until my daughter was ready to accept the sentiment that she was still loved.  I think this is especially important as they get to this hormonal, emotional age, when every small correction can be heard as "I hate you."  (I remember those completely irrational feelings from my own childhood.)

 

FTR both of my kids have "run away," as in walked partway down the street with a bag and eventually came back, at age 9.  I am not sure whether it was just drama or something more.  I just keep working on the relationship and trying to remember how much angst [however irrational] a child this age can have.

[SKL]

To the "I'm not my kids' friend" sentiment:  when I talk about "building the relationship," my point is to make sure they know "I love you no matter what."  If they don't get that from me, they will look for it somewhere else.  And, as we all know, it's not an easy message to get across at this age, nor will it be for some years to come.

 

Regarding technology, my kids have their own laptops with internet access.  I know there are risks, but part of the message my kids need to hear is "you're learning to take good care of yourself."  That includes respecting and protecting the self, making safe and healthy decisions, etc.  I closely guide, but they do need opportunities to make mistakes and learn from them, within appropriate limits.  Better now than after I can no longer legally check them.

Edited October 24, 2016 by SKL

[hornblower]

I'd be seeing a counsellor who specializes in attachment and ASD this week. 

I'd consider it's up to me to fix whatever is wrong. I wouldn't be thinking about punishment. I'd be thinking about strategies to improve the relationship and change MY behavior to keep communication open. 


 

[frugalmamatx]

update in OP

[TammyS]

 

 

From reading your post, it seems like you are willing to trust a stranger online but believe your own child is capable of deceit. To me, this says you are more invested in one of those people than the other.

 

Believing her child to be capable of deceit (you say that as if it were some amazing thing) does not say anything about their relationship at all.  ALL children are capable of deceit.  Doesn't mean they are bad kids or have bad parents.  It means they are human beings, who will lie, for all of the usual reasons that humans do: they want something they shouldn't have, or they already have had something they shouldn't, etc.

[sarasue7272]

I don't have daughters, but I am one! So here's what came to mind.

10 year olds have no idea what "work" looks like. When I was that age and went to work with my dad on Take Your Daughter to Work Day, I came away saying he talked on the phone all day. My dad is an engineer. Your daughter may not truly understand that you are not playing on your computer instead of being present with her. Then she learns there is a man you are talking to online! So maybe you are are talking to him all the time, not working! I think I would be very open with my computer screen, and have hard limits on my work time.

I wouldn't be surprised if she had thought about running away for a while, but the boyfriend pushed it into a real possibility.

If she is using her computer as a journal, I would not take it away, since it has no internet access.

Sometimes I feel like my kids are so stinkin needy! Like why can't they just eat a meal without my input!

BUT.

They are who they are. They really need me right now. 10 is young, especially if it's just the two of you, which is how it sounds.

[Wheres Toto]

 

I'm kind of confused.  How was she planning this on her computer if she doesn't have internet access?   What was she using to look at prohibited things online?

 

At 10 years old, she might not be ready to be left home alone.   If you've been leaving her home alone more often, and working more when you are home, she's probably feeling a little abandoned (in the over-blown feelings of a 10 year old).   If you are on your computer a lot, even if you're working, she probably thinks you're talking with your boyfriend and is feeling ignored. 

 

Is there a free or low cost clinic that might offer some family counseling?  It definitely sounds like more help may be needed.

 

ETA: Crap, sorry I just saw the please don't quote.

Edited October 25, 2016 by Where's Toto?

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

This is such a tough position to be in, OP.  I send you sympathy and support.  I agree with others that you and your daughter need counseling, and with someone who has a lot of experience with ASD.  Since you feel that is not an option right now you are going to have to find a free way to get counseling or do a lot of research on your own regarding how to help the two of you through this.

 

Bottom line, your 10 year old ran away because she needs help coping with her life.  Punishment does not address the underlying issues that caused her to feel this was a necessary course of action.  It sounds like she is hurting and feeling like she has no control of her life and is not a priority in yours (regardless of what the reality is, she does not seem to think she is a priority and punishing her won't help the underlying hurt).  I would dig deep into your interactions, time together, etc.  Try to find a healthier way for both of you to function.  I would also look at what she has for outside interests and friends.  Does she have any outside interests?  Any friends?  Any skills she could be honing?

 

Do you have set hours that you work at home?  Do you have a set schedule of things you do with her?  Things she can count on to happen about the same time every day?  How much structure do you have in your day?  A lot of ASD kids need consistency and a lot of structure and do not adapt well to change.  Does she know when you are working?  What does she do while you work?  And how much one on one time does your daughter have with you when you are not on a computer or a phone or anything else where you are not focused directly on her?  

 

FWIW, every child is different.  There are a lot of 10 years that really need Mom still.  That doesn't mean it is an unhealthy need or odd, it just means that is what that particular child needs at that time.  DD definitely needed me quite a bit at the age of 10.

 

Your child is on the cusp of the hormonal pre-teen years.  You have a very limited window of opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your daughter.  Please make this a priority before she pulls away completely and something far more serious happens.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[poppy]

My 8 year old did this once. Packed bags , left, didn't go far but just enough to scare me half to death. And later told me she'd been planning it a long time. Because chores and I am not nice . Similar special needs.

 

You have my profound sympathy - it is a kick in the gut. Truly terrifying .

 

I made some changes after that. Didn't decrease chores - but - i realized I have a tween who could put herself at great risk . And really will never have common sense to avoid those problems in the foreseeable future. Changed my priorities and understanding of who she is -and how much I need to offer her medically - and how I needed to adjust my expectations .

 

Again -- hugs -- Been there and I know it is awful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Misha]

If your insurance won't cover therapy, I would call them and ask what it does cover. I would look into low cost clinics, as another poster suggested. I would also, perhaps, go to your place of worship and ask about their counseling services (a lot offer them). Look into state medicaid insurance and sign up for it, if you're eligible. Ask your pediatrician for recommendations. 

It sounds like therapy would greatly benefit your family, and help repair and forge a stronger bond between you and your daughter. 

[MomatHWTK]

Believing her child to be capable of deceit (you say that as if it were some amazing thing) does not say anything about their relationship at all.  ALL children are capable of deceit.  Doesn't mean they are bad kids or have bad parents.  It means they are human beings, who will lie, for all of the usual reasons that humans do: they want something they shouldn't have, or they already have had something they shouldn't, etc.

Because if I think my kid is willfully deceiving me and I don't do something to repair the situation, then I'm not parenting. I used the phrase "capable of deceit" to be polite. The OP, stated that she thought her ASD kid was acting (i.e. fooling her) frequently. She doesn't trust her own child, but this guy she's never actually met is a "boyfriend." 

 

I think I must be pretty far outside the norm. My kids may lie to me, but if I know that they are doing so, I'm going to pay attention and try to help them. 

Are you telling me that most parents whose kids consistently act or fool the parent are looking to address that issue in a positive way? Do they just label the child deceitful and go on with their lives? 

[zoobie]

If you're in a state that requires insurance cover autism-related issues, look into therapy from that angle. There was another thread recently with lists of ideas for getting autism services. That wasn't the original point of the thread, but people added really helpful info. Let me try to find it.

 

ETA: http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/626930-i-dont-like-my-kids/

Edited October 25, 2016 by zoobie

[kiwik]

I think 10 is way to young to be left home alone for more than about 10 minutes (here the legal age to be left alone is 14). I would be really freaked out if my 10 year old ran away during the night and I understand wanting to punish and scream but it may be more beneficial to think of it as a communication from your daughter.

[Melissa in Australia]

I work as a teacher in public schools (CRT)

 

It is incredible how disturbed and upset children become when their parent picks up a boyfriend .......

 

 

Here he legal age to leave a child unattended at home is 13

 

 

Quite frankly I think your daughter's behaviour is a call out for help - but instead of help she is getting punished

[Aura]

(Disclaimer: I haven't read all the replies.)

 

Don't discount therapy because you can't afford. Call around, explain the situation and ASK if they do any pro bono or have any severely reduced rates. If there is anything you can offer besides money, do that.

I've had to look around recently and found that many places listed slide fee scales and individual biographies listed pro bono work as part, so it's out there. Several places said not to dismiss them if you think you can't afford it--that they would be willing to work with you.

 

There is no harm in asking, and it really sounds like your dd needs it.

 

On another note, I have a couple of kids that punishment has always only made things worse. If it was any of the other kids, the punishment would have served to teach a lesson and they'd move on, but these two...nope. I have found over the years, that these two need a gentle discussion that acknowledges their feelings (without telling them those feelings are wrong) and LOTS of reassurance of how much I love them. Punishments only made it worse.

 

FTR, I have two other kids that, while they would love all the attention, that approach would only make them think they could get away with anything. So, it's a balance and an understanding of what each individual child needs. (I have six kids. Oldest is 19.)

[gardenmom5]

I'm kind of confused.  How was she planning this on her computer if she doesn't have internet access?   What was she using to look at prohibited things online?

 

At 10 years old, she might not be ready to be left home alone.   If you've been leaving her home alone more often, and working more when you are home, she's probably feeling a little abandoned (in the over-blown feelings of a 10 year old).   If you are on your computer a lot, even if you're working, she probably thinks you're talking with your boyfriend and is feeling ignored. 

 

Is there a free or low cost clinic that might offer some family counseling?  It definitely sounds like more help may be needed.

 

ETA: Crap, sorry I just saw the please don't quote.

 

I think aspies especially need mom.  they tend to lag emotionally - dudeling is almost 12, and still needs mom (or 1ds) for his sense of safety and love.  my older boys needed mom too.  (especially 1ds.  he's now very independent.)  it's a realty that kids who feel safe and loved are much more likely to successfully fly *when they are developmentally ready*

 

I agree I think punishment over trying to run away is the wrong way to go.  she needs to feel loved and emotionally safe -she obviously isn't, or she wouldn't have been trying to run away. 

she either left to get away from you, or

she left to get your attention.

the relationship needs to be mended.  while it still can.

 

 

eta: about her dislike of men.  all of my babies had a preference.  that's not uncommon.  but they all had regular exposure to both men and women.  has she had *any* relationship with a man that could be trusted?  who loved her?  and just enjoyed having her around? (and would laugh at her jokes. etc.)  girls need those relationships because that affects what kind of men with whom they end up getting involved.  if they grow up with a male figure who cherishes them - they expect to be treated with respect.  if they are afraid of men, that's much harder.

do you have healthy relationships with men?   because you are modeling that for her.

 

Edited October 25, 2016 by gardenmom5

[frugalmamatx]

 

eta: about her dislike of men.  all of my babies had a preference.  that's not uncommon.  but they all had regular exposure to both men and women.  has she had *any* relationship with a man that could be trusted?  who loved her?  and just enjoyed having her around? (and would laugh at her jokes. etc.)  girls need those relationships because that affects what kind of men with whom they end up getting involved.  if they grow up with a male figure who cherishes them - they expect to be treated with respect.  if they are afraid of men, that's much harder.

do you have healthy relationships with men?   because you are modeling that for her.

 

I haven't been quoting to reply, but wanted to answer this one. My dad was around until she was nearly 4, and she was close to him. Only male she ever tolerated to be honest. After that, nothing. I have no nearby male relatives, and didn't date for many many years due to dealing with family issues. I'll admit the few relationships I have had over the years I haven't told her about - they were not the type of relationship that I felt comfortable bringing home to her.  I don't even have any male friends nearby that would be willing to step into the role. Her father is not in the picture and never has been. I am ok with that, and she knows a bit about him but has never shown any interest in him honestly. 

 

I realize she needs to develop male role models in her life. But I haven't got a clue how the heck to do that. 

[mamiof5]

I haven't been quoting to reply, but wanted to answer this one. My dad was around until she was nearly 4, and she was close to him. Only male she ever tolerated to be honest. After that, nothing. I have no nearby male relatives, and didn't date for many many years due to dealing with family issues. I'll admit the few relationships I have had over the years I haven't told her about - they were not the type of relationship that I felt comfortable bringing home to her. I don't even have any male friends nearby that would be willing to step into the role. Her father is not in the picture and never has been. I am ok with that, and she knows a bit about him but has never shown any interest in him honestly.

 

I realize she needs to develop male role models in her life. But I haven't got a clue how the heck to do that.

I feel for her, and for you as well. I didn't grow up with any positive male images (but at least a couple negative ones), and it's something that has dragged through adulthood. In my teen/early adulthood years I ended looking for whatever male attention I could get, which was such an unhealthy path.

 

I hope you can somehow find some counseling services or help somewhere! I am not a professional by any means, but it seems to me that there's quite a few issues that need to be dealt with.

 

The best of luck for both of you! Will pray for you and your dd.