Our youngest

[SHP]

Kids are welcome anytime. 

Friends of kids, same.

Kids of friends, same.

No need to announce, if you know how to get in then you are welcome. 

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, SHP said:

Kids are welcome anytime. 

Friends of kids, same.

Kids of friends, same.

No need to announce, if you know how to get in then you are welcome. 

Not judging but they just blows my mind. How often does this happen? Are you ever startled? Or naked?

[City Mouse]

Both my kids come over once a week to do laundry. I do ask that they let me know when they want to do laundry so I can coordinate laundry schedules. They will sometimes stop by on other days. I encourage them to let me know in advance, and it hasn’t been a problem. 
I don’t expect them to knock when entering, but we all tend to holler “hello” when coming in. 

[Lecka]

Hmmm…. I grew up with a lot of “make yourself at home” stuff.  Seeing someone naked just wasn’t a concern, if it happened it would not be expected to be a big deal.  “What are you, a prude?”  That type of thing.  I’m not saying that literally happened, but I think if someone didn’t like it, that person would be blamed for being a spoil sport.  Or “not cool.”  Or “it’s your fault, you should have just gotten dressed.”  
 

Or maybe someone would make a joke about a nudist colony.  
 

It would just not be treated seriously if you wanted to be able to do that in your own house.  
 

I don’t think that’s everybody’s vibe, but it was the vibe we had.  Kind-of a “wannabe hippie” kind of vibe. 

 

It was not exactly a warm, welcoming vibe, and I think that’s how it would be for a lot of people.  Edit — hard to explain, but it was a period of my childhood, around the time that my parents got divorced, and it ended when my step-dad moved in, and I liked it better after that.  So it wasn’t a very warm, happy vibe.  Edit — to be fair I think my Mom lost control of the household and my Dad thought it was funny…. But I don’t think that automatically goes with “make yourself at home.”  
 

And realistically, if you do know there are going to be people in and out, you can just take clothes in the bathroom and lock the door.  It’s not a big deal if that is the routine.  

Edited June 21 by Lecka

[KidsHappen]

All of my dc are free to come and go as they please whether we are home or not. All of the SOs (except one who is kind of new) and grandchildren are as well. They all know to knock before coming in my room though as I might not be dressed. I am free to come and go at my older two's houses as well. The other one that has her own place doesn't have any dc but has a SO and a small zoo so I wouldn't go in there unannounced. The sisters go into each other's houses as well. We would all text the homeowner and say hey we are at your house and we are going to go on in. If my hubby and I ever downsize to a small cottage that is just us then things might change.

[KidsHappen]

37 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Not judging but they just blows my mind. How often does this happen? Are you ever startled? Or naked?

When my kids were teens our house was the place to go when a kid didn't have some place else to go.. We sometimes came home to kids that were not ours there when my own kids were not. Many a teen couch surfed at my house or shared various empty rooms. The public areas of the home were communal and we never had any problems. During that time period it wasn't a problem because I was dressed and downstairs and if we showed up to someone there they were usually waiting for one of mine to arrive, That would be a bigger problem now because I am frequently in a robe or pjs in the master suite.

[SHP]

44 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Not judging but they just blows my mind. How often does this happen? Are you ever startled? Or naked?

How often? Not too often since most of the over 18's have moved or are away at college.

Startled? Never. The door opens and I hear "Hello!" I think that if one of the kids I haven't seen in many years walked in I might pause but nothing major. I have the same cell phone number but even then I don't expect the 22 year old to find the obscure entry their parents put in their phone a decade ago and I don't want that to stop them. 

Am I ever naked? Nope. My house is designed with the kitchen, dinning, and living on a seperate floor as the bedrooms, master suite, and laundry. I typically wake up and get fully dressed before going down to breakfast and I stay dressed until bedtime.

My house is a safe space and always has been and always will be.

I am sad to say that since switching to an egg free cookie dough, I no longer can have hot cookies 15 minutes after they arrive because the husband cannot stop eating the cookie dough. 

[Melissa in Australia]

If you chose to walk around with nothing on then I guess it is your problem if you are caught that way 

😂😂🤣🤣

[wintermom]

11 hours ago, Scarlett said:

No. Just making conversation.  He has been moved out a year and never showed up without warning so it did not occur to me he would do otherwise to do his laundry.  

Well now you know. Isn't there a phrase about when we assume we make an ass out of you (u) and me? 

Edited June 21 by wintermom

[Corraleno]

My adult kids have keys and can come and go whenever they want, including when I'm not home. DD sometimes texts when she is on her way over, but other times she just appears in the house like an apparition, lol. I have never known anyone who moves as quietly as she does, and if the dog is asleep when she comes in, I generally don't even know she's in the house until I bump into her — like tonight when I was washing dishes and turned around to find her standing behind me in the kitchen, lol.

The main advantage of giving me a heads-up that they'll be here is that I can include them in any meal plans, whereas if they just drop by unannounced they may have to rummage around for something to eat if they're hungry. But as far as I'm concerned this is still their home and they're welcome here any time they want, they don't need my permission or to give advance notice.

[Katy]

I understand this completely. When DH and I hadn’t been married long and before we had kids, we moved to a city about 45 minutes away from DH’s hometown. DH worked very early hours because part of the engineers he worked with were in India. So he’d frequently leave between 2-3 AM and not get back until 4 pm. Part of that was a long commute. Anyway, DH would come home, we’d start to brew tea, and in comes FIL. He didn’t even knock. 
 

DH never said anything, but I was angry. Anyway, BIL (who also lived nearby and had recently moved from an apartment complex with security to a house) came over and was complaining about FIL showing up unannounced. I blurted out, “Tell me about it, he just about walked in on us having sex 5 times!” 🤣

Anyway, after that family gossip helped reign FIL in a little and he started calling first. 
 

I wonder if you could make a similar robe confession to the girlfriend and she could warn him first. Or ask DH to tell him to stop showing up unnanounced because hetgoing to get an eyeful. 

[2squared]

9 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

It’s still their house and always will be. They can come and go as they please. It’s nice to know when oldest is coming (youngest still lives here) but it’s not necessary. 

Same for us. We have kids at home, but the adult kids are welcome to come and go as they wish. I wish they would come a lot more and go a lot less. 🙂

it is easier to incorporate them in our plans if we know they are coming/going, but if they don’t care about that, we don’t either. 

[pinball]

6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Not judging but they just blows my mind. How often does this happen? Are you ever startled? Or naked?

What does your husband say about all this?

It’s his house, too, right?

Or does your opinion trump his? Because naked startled?

[Clemsondana]

My parents and I have keys to each other's houses and are always welcome but we usually text first.  If they know we are coming then we walk in without knocking, and if we stop by unexpectedly without texting we knock, although we'll let ourselves in if we figure out that nobody is home.  We would also walk in if it was clear that they were up and about - if my parents saw the kids outside, or if I was going over to pick up a kid from their house or knew that they had a visiting relative staying with them.  The knocking and texting are just about privacy - I can't imagine either of us ever saying 'don't come' - and I imagine it will be the same for my kids (oldest is headed off to college in a month or 2).  In our house, the bedrooms are on one end and the laundry room is on the other, with the public areas between them.  If I need something from the laundry room I throw on a robe to go get it, but if I know that nobody is home besides spouse I wouldn't think twice about going to get clothing without a robe.  It's similar to my bedroom now - the kids come in to talk all the time, but knock if the door is closed because we might be changing.  

[pinball]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

I understand this completely. When DH and I hadn’t been married long and before we had kids, we moved to a city about 45 minutes away from DH’s hometown. DH worked very early hours because part of the engineers he worked with were in India. So he’d frequently leave between 2-3 AM and not get back until 4 pm. Part of that was a long commute. Anyway, DH would come home, we’d start to brew tea, and in comes FIL. He didn’t even knock. 
 

DH never said anything, but I was angry. Anyway, BIL (who also lived nearby and had recently moved from an apartment complex with security to a house) came over and was complaining about FIL showing up unannounced. I blurted out, “Tell me about it, he just about walked in on us having sex 5 times!” 🤣

Anyway, after that family gossip helped reign FIL in a little and he started calling first. 
 

I wonder if you could make a similar robe confession to the girlfriend and she could warn him first. Or ask DH to tell him to stop showing up unnanounced because hetgoing to get an eyeful. 

So your father-in-law walked in on you 5 times having sex and neither you nor your husband said anything?

Not even in the moment? Not even an excited utterance? “Hey! Get out of here! Don’t just walk in!” 

Nothing?

Sure, Jan…

 

[Carrie12345]

It’s kind of an interesting question to me, because I can’t relate to it at all, lol. It’s making me wonder how I would handle it, and I have no idea.

When I was the adult child, at least one sibling was almost always home. There was no garage, so I would immediately know who was or wasn’t there.

Here, my adult child checks our phones to see who’s home. Someone almost always is. And while we don’t use our garage, the dogs ALWAYS let us know when a car is approaching, and definitely when someone comes through the door.   
But even my at-home young adult tells me her comings and goings and when she wants to use the laundry room. (When she’s on her A game, she times it to throw in with the rest of the family’s!)

Admittedly, I’m not a fan of other people just dropping by unannounced. I’m not prone to nakedness, but I am often braless, messy, or lazily lounging. But that’s not an unusual sight for my kids, so I’m fine with that. If they’re bringing someone with them, I’d better have a heads up!

[marbel]

My daughter lives 15 minutes away and she always texts to tell me she's coming over. We didn't discuss this when she moved out; it just seemed to occur naturally. She knows I don't like to be surprised. I'm like you, Scarlett, I don't want someone just coming in the door unexpectedly. I never just walked into my parents' house once I moved out - same thing, there was no discussion. I guess it was like - I don't live here anymore, I don't have the right to just walk in.

I don't think this makes any difference in feeling like our house is still home, at least for my kid. It's very obvious she still feels perfectly at home when she's here. But she has her own home now. I wouldn't dream of just walking into her place, even if she didn't have housemates. 

Either way is fine, I don't think there is a right or wrong here. 

Edited June 21 by marbel

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, marbel said:

My daughter lives 15 minutes away and she always texts to tell me she's coming over. We didn't discuss this when she moved out; it just seemed to occur naturally. She knows I don't like to be surprised. I'm like you, Scarlett, I don't want someone just coming in the door unexpectedly. I never just walked into my parents' house once I moved out - same thing, there was no discussion. I guess it was like - I don't live here anymore, I don't have the right to just walk in.

I don't think this makes any difference in feeling like our house is still home, at least for my kid. It's very obvious she still feels perfectly at home when she's here. But she has her own home now. I wouldn't dream of just walking into her place, even if she didn't have housemates. 

Either way is fine, I don't think there is a right or wrong here. 

Thanks, it is interesting the different ways people live.  

[Indigo Blue]

I don’t think there is a wrong answer here, Scarlett. If you are the type of person who doesn’t like the startle factor, I think that’s fine. 
 

I would not mind my son’s coming when they want. Sometimes I just like to know when they are arriving only because I want to have everything done so I can just sit and be with them. 
 

With my mom, it’s odd. If I arrive 15 minutes early, she seems mildly annoyed, and she will comment, “You said you’d be here at 1:00.” Or she’s calling me to see where I am because I’m ten minutes late. I always give her a 30 minute window, but she still makes me feel as I’ve done something wrong by not arriving at the exact time she expects. Ever since I have shortened the time and frequency of visiting, it has evolved into this, although she has always been somewhat finicky about this.

 

And…sigh….I am sometimes arriving at “the expected time”, but I have to walk from front door to back door because she won’t come to the door to unlock it.  Then I have to stand outside and call her. 

[Scarlett]

4 hours ago, Corraleno said:

My adult kids have keys and can come and go whenever they want, including when I'm not home. DD sometimes texts when she is on her way over, but other times she just appears in the house like an apparition, lol. I have never known anyone who moves as quietly as she does, and if the dog is asleep when she comes in, I generally don't even know she's in the house until I bump into her — like tonight when I was washing dishes and turned around to find her standing behind me in the kitchen, lol.

The main advantage of giving me a heads-up that they'll be here is that I can include them in any meal plans, whereas if they just drop by unannounced they may have to rummage around for something to eat if they're hungry. But as far as I'm concerned this is still their home and they're welcome here any time they want, they don't need my permission or to give advance notice.

Dh startles me a lot and he always laughs and says, ‘I live here, remember?’ He and youngest ds both walk around so silently it is unnerving.  Especially ds.  And especially because he is 6’3 and 260 pounds.

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, pinball said:

What does your husband say about all this?

It’s his house, too, right?

Or does your opinion trump his? Because naked startled?

All of this?  It was a 3 sentence texting conversation with ds and the situation is fine. No one is upset.  
 

But do you really think Dh would say, ‘Scarlett too bad you don’t like being startled in your own home but this is my house too and I want our son to come in our home without any notice.’  
 

[Faith-manor]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Not judging but they just blows my mind. How often does this happen? Are you ever startled? Or naked?

I was just going to say that when I am at the piano doing a long, intensive practice, if someone just walks in unannounced, I jump out of my skin. I concentrate that hard.  Mark has done it to me before. I mean I am not mad at him or anything. I jut about fly off the piano bench though.

It is also interesting that you and I might be the only people here who don't confine amorous activity in an otherwise empty house to just the bedroom with the door locked. 😁

At the moment I am sucking down coffee wearing nothing but a half camisole thingy and underwear. The humidity is getting to me again, badly. I may have to turn the a/c on which is sad for so early in the morning. If ds and dil just walk in without a text first, they are getting a surprise though knowing them, it wouldn't bother them in the least. I just prefer it NOT happen.

Our bachelors gave us a key to their apartment and the code to the front door of the building so if we are coming for a visit but they are late getting home from work, we can walk right in. Still, we make plans ahead, and then unless I do not see their car in the parking lot, we still knock and wait for them to open the door.

[Bambam]

Today, when everyone has a cell phone, I think it is very considerate to text or call, and ask if now is a good time to come over to do whatever (laundry, hang out, bake a cake, watch a movie, etc) - right now or to schedule it in the future. If if you are just texting from the stop sign a block from  your home, the heads up is considerate IMHO. 

One of my kids lives an hour away and sometimes brings her laundry home to do if she is visiting. She always asked if she can bring her laundry home (once I had to say no because washer was broken!). 

But my family culture growing up was don't drop in unannounced unless there was no way to avoid it. Mom always called relatives before we headed that way - either during the week, or the day of the upcoming visit. My kids know this, and so they probably accord me the same respect because it is what I grew up with. 

And what is the issue with calling or texting to let someone know you are headed their direction? It takes less than a minute and is extremely easy.  They could be sick, they could be on their way to the hospital to visit a sick/dying friend/relative, they could be on the way to the store to get immodium for other stricken family member, they could just be having a bad day, whatever. And IMHO, it's fine to tell someone who doesn't actively live there, it really isn't a good time. I'd love to see you another time though. 

So, Scarlett, my house/my rules. If I wanted a heads-up he was coming - even if I was on vacation for 2 weeks and he wouldn't interrupt anything, I'd let him know. You are welcome any time, BUT you need to text me day/rough time estimate. It makes me more comfortable, so I need this for me. Thank you for your consideration.   
 

[Kassia]

14 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

 

I would not mind my son’s coming when they want. Sometimes I just like to know when they are arriving only because I want to have everything done so I can just sit and be with them. 
 

This is exactly how I feel.  None of my kids are local, but I have a daily routine and would prefer to move things around so I'd be 100% free to focus on my kids when they stopped by.  I get stressed pretty easily and it would just be easier on me mentally knowing when they were coming so I could adjust my schedule.  I understand @Scarlett's feelings because I think it would feel weird to me to never know if someone was just coming by even if it were my kids, but maybe not since I didn't feel that way when they did live at home and they'd come and go.  We even had a girlfriend who would stop by unannounced.  I also have a strong startle reflex.  

Edited June 21 by Kassia

[pinball]

8 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

All of this?  It was a 3 sentence texting conversation with ds and the situation is fine. No one is upset.  
 

But do you really think Dh would say, ‘Scarlett too bad you don’t like being startled in your own home but this is my house too and I want our son to come in our home without any notice.’  
 

So he hasn’t chimed in?

[marbel]

10 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

It is also interesting that you and I might be the only people here who don't confine amorous activity in an otherwise empty house to just the bedroom with the door locked. 😁

Mmm.... not necessarily. 😎 I mean that's one of the advantages of the empty nest, is it not? We had a taste of it when kids were away at college. (We have one at home again.) 

Edited June 21 by marbel

[pinball]

15 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Dh startles me a lot and he always laughs and says, ‘I live here, remember?’ He and youngest ds both walk around so silently it is unnerving.  Especially ds.  And especially because he is 6’3 and 260 pounds.

Why would you give his height and weight? It’s so intrusive and unnecessary? 

And I’m sure I’m not the only one who remembers all your threads about how he needs to lose weight…

[Scarlett]

14 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

I was just going to say that when I am at the piano doing a long, intensive practice, if someone just walks in unannounced, I jump out of my skin. I concentrate that hard.  Mark has done it to me before. I mean I am not mad at him or anything. I jut about fly off the piano bench though.

It is also interesting that you and I might be the only people here who don't confine amorous activity in an otherwise empty house to just the bedroom with the door locked. 😁

At the moment I am sucking down coffee wearing nothing but a half camisole thingy and underwear. The humidity is getting to me again, badly. I may have to turn the a/c on which is sad for so early in the morning. If ds and dil just walk in without a text first, they are getting a surprise though knowing them, it wouldn't bother them in the least. I just prefer it NOT happen.

 

I know right? Lol

[Scarlett]

12 minutes ago, pinball said:

So he hasn’t chimed in?

He wasn’t in the text conversation. There was nothing for him to chime in about.  I did tell him about it because I tell him everything.  And yes he agrees my request is reasonable.  Why are you always so abrasive and argumentative? Please stop.

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, marbel said:

Mmm.... not necessarily. 😎 I mean that's one of the advantages of the empty nest, is it not? We had a taste of it when kids were away at college. (We still have one at home again.) 

Yes,  we do love our empty nest.  🙂

[alisoncooks]

I feel like my launched kids would be welcome whenever…but I’d like a text when they’re on their way over. Nothing formal or scheduled necessarily but definitely a “hey ma, I’m headed your way.”

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, pinball said:

Why would you give his height and weight? It’s so intrusive and unnecessary? 

And I’m sure I’m not the only one who remembers all your threads about how he needs to lose weight…

The point was he is a big man and moves like a cat. Why are YOU bringing up that he needed to lose weight.  Please stop.  

[Scarlett]

Just now, alisoncooks said:

I feel like my launched kids would be welcome whenever…but I’d like a text when they’re on their way over. Nothing formal or scheduled necessarily but definitely a “hey ma, I’m headed your way.”

Yes, this is all I asked for.  And he is cool with it.  

[Clemsondana]

10 minutes ago, pinball said:

Why would you give his height and weight? It’s so intrusive and unnecessary? 

And I’m sure I’m not the only one who remembers all your threads about how he needs to lose weight…

Because it makes a difference in how you perceive it.  I've been awakened by kids many times and after a brief startle it's no big deal.  One night spouse woke me up as he came to bed late and I was up the rest of the night because the sight a backlit large man completely filling the doorway to your bedroom is perceived as a threat in a way that a small child or even a small adult is not.  

[pinball]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

He wasn’t in the text conversation. There was nothing for him to chime in about.  I did tell him about it because I tell him everything.  And yes he agrees my request is reasonable.  Why are you always so abrasive and argumentative? Please stop.

 

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

The point was he is a big man and moves like a cat. Why are YOU bringing up that he needed to lose weight.  Please stop.  

You posted his weight!

you stop! Have some respect for YOUR SON

[teachermom2834]

While I don’t know that I would require a text or make it an issue, I also think it is a perfectly reasonable request now that everyone has cell phones. When we were young adults launching and wanted to stop by our parents’ house on a whim and it required finding a pay phone and calling to give them a heads up I can see myself eye rolling and thinking “yeah I can’t even stop by my mom’s house without calling first”.

But really with all the technology it is not anything to ask for a text and continuing to neglect that would be annoying. 
 

Not a hill I think I’d die on but I can see be annoyed even if I was pulling out of the driveway to run an errand that could totally wait and up rolls kid I’d like to see. I would have hated to have missed him and if he had just let me know I would have been there etc. 

So even if reason isn’t naked there are plenty of reasons a text is a good idea and appropriate expectation and I think it is different than before everyone had phones. 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, teachermom2834 said:

While I don’t know that I would require a text or make it an issue, I also think it is a perfectly reasonable request now that everyone has cell phones. When we were young adults launching and wanted to stop by our parents’ house on a whim and it required finding a pay phone and calling to give them a heads up I can see myself eye rolling and thinking “yeah I can’t even stop by my mom’s house without calling first”.

But really with all the technology it is not anything to ask for a text and continuing to neglect that would be annoying. 
 

Not a hill I think I’d die on but I can see be annoyed even if I was pulling out of the driveway to run an errand that could totally wait and up rolls kid I’d like to see. I would have hated to have missed him and if he had just let me know I would have been there etc. 

So even if reason isn’t naked there are plenty of reasons a text is a good idea and appropriate expectation and I think it is different than before everyone had phones. 

Yes, texting makes it so easy. My mom is one of those people who want to be able to drop by without notice or invite to any of her kids or grandkids.  I think we have finally gotten it through to her it is MUCH preferred to give notice.  

[pinball]

5 minutes ago, Clemsondana said:

Because it makes a difference in how you perceive it.  I've been awakened by kids many times and after a brief startle it's no big deal.  One night spouse woke me up as he came to bed late and I was up the rest of the night because the sight a backlit large man completely filling the doorway to your bedroom is perceived as a threat in a way that a small child or even a small adult is not.  

It absolutely does not In this situation.

Her son is not entering a house AT NIGHT and lurking in the bedroom door.

”large man” SMH

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

My out of the house kids call or text as a courtesy but also so they don’t get roped into whatever miserable farm chore we’re doing on that day. lol. Also, I still have 2 at home so naked is not happening. And for laundry, nobody would ever assume that they’d have access to the machines without calling because there’s still 4 people here and that’s still a lot of laundry.

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

Yes, texting makes it so easy. My mom is one of those people who want to be able to drop by without notice or invite to any of her kids or grandkids.  I think we have finally gotten it through to her it is MUCH preferred to give notice.  

If I had normal parents, and they visited, I might want more of a heads up than I would from my children. That’s funny. Why is that? I can’t see myself popping in on my sons. I’m sure they’d want notice. I wouldn’t feel comfortable popping in, either. Something about our kids place of growing up always being “home”, I guess?

[TexasProud]

40 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

 

It is also interesting that you and I might be the only people here who don't confine amorous activity in an otherwise empty house to just the bedroom with the door locked. 😁

 

Yeah, we do it on the couch a lot and might be naked/half dressed watching something on tv.  And that is right there people come in from the garage.  So yeah, entering without knowing they were there....wouldn't be cool. They would see stuff they might not want to. 

To me that was one of the best things about empty nest...being able to do it whenever and wherever we wanted to.  10am noon 2pm whenever.  

Edited June 21 by TexasProud

[pinball]

This thread is a riot.

All the most uptight posters trying to convince the board they just hooking up anywhere, anytime…

It’s like Woodstock, but with old suburban white women.

[Kassia]

26 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

 

Not a hill I think I’d die on but I can see be annoyed even if I was pulling out of the driveway to run an errand that could totally wait and up rolls kid I’d like to see. I would have hated to have missed him and if he had just let me know I would have been there etc. 

 

I hadn't thought of that.  Good point! 

[Rosie_0801]

@pinball, no one hired you as the forum fact checker, so dial it down to socially acceptable please.

[AmandaVT]

DS is still at home, but I would imagine we'll have an open door policy when he moves out. That said, we all text when we're on our way home now, so I'm imagining that will continue. My family is the same way, but my dad and aunt live almost 5 hrs away, so I don't drop in - the startle factor would be big if I suddenly appeared from Vermont. Mom is local and we text each other before coming over - we have keys to each other's homes though. So, I guess - open door policy but our family culture is giving each other a heads up before coming over?

[SKL]

I generally call my folks at least an hour in advance if I'm coming over.  That way it doesn't mess with their plans and they can tell me if it isn't the best time.  (However, I think it's different for each of their kids ... but each one has some pattern so there aren't surprises.)

Since your son is coming when he believes you aren't home, maybe just ask him to text you in advance just so you know to expect it.

[Brittany1116]

Just tell him you are entering your nudist era so he should call or knock if it matters to him. 😉

[Lecka]

I have said no… one time my son wanted to come with friends to watch a show on streaming, late on a weeknight.  No, it would be disruptive.  We had a talk then… that was our biggest talk.  I have also said no to using the kitchen when I would want to use the kitchen at the same time.  This would be for a big project, not just fixing something to eat for himself.  
 

He does call or text now…. And then walk on in.  Apparently other people do that and it’s just what they do, but I had a conversation 😉

 

He came in once at night together with two friends and I told him I don’t like that, either.  The dogs barked.  I told him they couldn’t hang out in our living room to watch streaming shows.  This was — walking in the house with two friends, unannounced, as if he lived here and everything was cool.  I think what was really going on — all his friends got off work at night and they would hang out after work, and he didn’t think about it being late for us, and he didn’t think about it not being “his” living room to host people anytime he felt like it.  He didn’t know I would mind.  He didn’t think of the time, it was the time he was hanging around with people.  But he could make plans to do the same thing at a time that worked for everyone….  
 

Separately my sister has stayed with me as a house guest and was free to come and go.  But since I’ve moved back to my hometown, one time she was staying with my mom, and she and my mom came over, came in the front door, and were wandering around the house to see if I wanted to go for a walk with them.  I thought it was rude!  My husband said “we’re locking the front door the rest of the visit!”  I agreed.  Maybe my Mom came inside without knocking or calling, when we first moved in, I don’t remember, but normally she does call ahead (and then just come in) or else knock.  But since my Mom normally does that, it was obvious my sister said “we don’t need to do that.”  

So to me that means I don’t have an open door policy, because — my door is not open to these things.  

[pinball]

44 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

@pinball, no one hired you as the forum fact checker, so dial it down to socially acceptable please.

This is shocking to me bc I thought Australia has the worst skin cancer rates in the world and that you’d actually be understanding about my skin cancer concerns.

Guess not.

 

[Clemsondana]

43 minutes ago, pinball said:

It absolutely does not In this situation.

Her son is not entering a house AT NIGHT and lurking in the bedroom door.

”large man” SMH

 

 

Similar things happen during daylight if somebody comes up behind you unexpectedly or if a person appears when you thought you were home alone.  It's not really about there being a 'large man' so much as it is about there being a person much larger than I am.  I've spent much of my married life with an out of town spouse while I'm responsible for kids.  There was a shift when the kids passed me in height - while I'll always be their mom, the likelihood that I could physically protect them better than they could protect themselves is a lot smaller.  It made me aware of how we subconsciously sort out threats, and being much smaller than the other person is part of it, as is context. 

Large spouse, kid, or friend in the house?  Great!  Large strange man on the street?  Great!  Large stranger in my house?  Yikes!  So, if you are the spouse, kid, or friend, it would be great if you alerted me so that I know to put the person that I just saw out of the corner of my eye into the Great! category instead of temporarily having a Yikes! before I figured out who it was.  And, in general, 'Unexpected person when I think I'm home alone' is a Yikes! so if we could easily avoid that with a text it would be awesome.  House location probably matters, too.  We know 2 different extended families that live with several houses close together (like next door in a neighborhood) and are in and out of each other's houses frequently.  That's fantastic!  We live in the middle of a coupe of acres, and people who might let themselves in don't wander up to our house very often.  It's not unusual to have guests - we once had friends in a touring band stay with us for a month.  During that time, I expected to see strange men in public rooms randomly throughout the day so I wasn't ever startled by them.  I also always wore a robe.