Help me figure out why this bothers me...

[TexasProud]

Don't quote as I will delete
 

Thank you everyone.  I appreciate it. 

Edited November 27, 2023 by TexasProud

[Rosie_0801]

Sounds like she thinks you're better friends than you do. Or she hasn't quite got that son's girlfriend's mum isn't someone she needs to be co-parenting with.

Feel however you feel. This isn't a situation where you need to control or erase your feelings. My personal feelings would be "What are you telling me this for? She's a big girl now and is allowed to get her nails done without her mum knowing and surely the nail tech wasn't yelling because that'd be bad for business. You are exaggerating about a thing that doesn't even matter. Damn, now I have to think of a polite response when I really want to say I don't care and don't text me nonsense."

[Alice]

I can see why it would annoy you. 

My guess is she feels a bit threatened by her son growing older and now having a serious girlfriend. I may be wrong, but just based on what you said that's my guess. It sounds like she is trying to have a relationship with your daughter, maybe consciously or sub-consciously with the idea that it will help keep her son close. To me, she sound like someone kind of insecure who is trying to find ways to secure her relationship with her son and also trying to figure out how to have relationships with your daughter and you. 

I think if that's all she has done, I'd find someone to vent to (like here) and just be friendly to her. 

[Elizabeth86]

Forget it. I’m just like you. Not into nails and such. It doesn’t make you anything less!! I often feel bad when I’m around the other type of women, but I get over it quick. I don’t want to be like them. I like being me. 

[Garga]

Being a mother-in-law to a daughter-in-law is HARD. Really, really hard. A MIL can’t do anything right, even if she does everything right. 

I think she’s being as sweet as she can with your daughter, just in case that’s her future DIL. 

And she also has different values from you and that’s ok. You can still be a good, upright, moral person and value superficial things like pretty nails and such. If you’re 15 years older, you are practically old enough to be her mother, so you may simply be more mature than she is and value different things from her. That’s ok. I’m a very different person from who I was 15 years ago, and you probably are, too. 

Be your warm self (as I know you are) when you’re with her and see her as someone who can’t stop herself from blurting out everything she’s thinking. Since she’s trying to be sweet, do your best to let it go, even though her immaturity is grating.

(There’s also a chance she is intimidated by you, being so much older than her, and she ends up being goofier than she means to be out of nerves.)

Edited November 26, 2023 by Garga

[Faith-manor]

I think Rosie nailed it. I would be annoyed too. My daughter is a grown woman. A running commentary on trivial things like this from her mother in law would make me snarky. However, I would simply not respond. If you don't engage with things like this and only occasionally say something like, "That's nice" when what she is texting isn't particularly annoying, she may take the hint that you are not her personal buddy.

[TexasProud]

2 minutes ago, Garga said:

Being a mother-in-law to a daughter-in-law is HARD. Really, really hard. A MIL can’t do anything right, even if she does everything right. 

I think she’s being as sweet as she can with your daughter, just in case that’s her future DIL. 

And she also has different values from you and that’s ok. You can still be a good, upright, moral person and value superficial things like pretty nails and such. If you’re 15 years older, you are practically old enough to be her mother, so you may simply be more mature than she is and value different things from her. That’s ok. I’m a very different person from who I was 15 years ago, and you probably are, too. 

Be your warm self (as I know you are) when you’re with her and see her as someone who can’t stop herself from blurting out everything she’s thinking. Since she’s trying to be sweet, do your best to let it go, even though her immaturity is grating.

 

15 minutes ago, Alice said:

I can see why it would annoy you. 

My guess is she feels a bit threatened by her son growing older and now having a serious girlfriend. I may be wrong, but just based on what you said that's my guess. It sounds like she is trying to have a relationship with your daughter, maybe consciously or sub-consciously with the idea that it will help keep her son close. To me, she sound like someone kind of insecure who is trying to find ways to secure her relationship with her son and also trying to figure out how to have relationships with your daughter and you. 

I think if that's all she has done, I'd find someone to vent to (like here) and just be friendly to her. 

Ok, I don't think she finds my daughter threatening at all.  She only has sons, so I am getting more of the "you are the daughter I always wanted and now I get to do girl things I never get to do" kind of vibe.  She adores my daughter (or seems to). 

But yes, I feel kind of guilty but I don't necessarily want to be buddy buddy with her. There is NOTHING wrong with her. She is sweet. They are a strong Christian family. Son is a wonderful musician.  

I just don't like feeling the way her text made me feel.  I am just trying to figure out why so I can fix MYSELF. Not her.  

[Frances]

Maybe you are feeling judged by her? For letting your daughter drive herself to college? For not breaking her of her nail biting habit?

I think your response was great. Just short and sweet.

[Rosie_0801]

7 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I am just trying to figure out why so I can fix MYSELF. Not her.  

There's nothing to fix.

You had an emotion. They happen. On you go with life.

[Indigo Blue]

I can’t see anything to be critical of. I don’t know how you can “fix” yourself. Be grateful that your daughter has sweet people in her life? It could be soooooo much worse. Life is too short. Enjoy these people. There is no reason not to. 
 

I’ve only had my nails done once in my entire life. I am not a part of “nail culture”. But people like different things. That’s ok. They want to include you by texting the nail photos. 
 

I agree with Garga.

Edited November 26, 2023 by Indigo Blue
Oops. I meant your daughter…not son

[TexasProud]

7 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

There's nothing to fix.

You had an emotion. They happen. On you go with life.

Yeah, but I shouldn't dislike her. I need to fix that. I think maybe I will list 10 things I like about her every day and repeat it a lot. 

[Heartstrings]

You mentioned that her son is her oldest and I’m thinking that your daughter is not your oldest?   I think a lot of your annoyance could be coming from that.  People act differently with their oldest, almost like they’re still in the “my child would NEVER” stage while you know better having gone through it. It can be a bit annoying. 
 

She also sounds a bit like a helicopter parent, which always feels very judgmental to me.   Like the driving 14 hours comment, when she said she would never allow that, there is a bit of judgement in that.  She is implying that you haven’t met her standard by allowing it.  The nail comment feels like an implied judgment as well.   You’re probably feeling that judgement from her and bristling at it.  
 

It’s like when the kids are toddlers and someone is bragging about how their precious potty trained at 16 months, loves organic, local broccoli and would never be allowed to eat something like, gasp!, goldfish crackers.  
 

It’s ok to be annoyed because her behavior is annoying.   There’s nothing wrong with you for being annoyed at annoying behavior.  It makes you human and normal.  
 

Not everyone is everyone else’s cup of tea and that’s ok. 

Edited November 26, 2023 by Heartstrings

[fairfarmhand]

4 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but I shouldn't dislike her. I need to fix that. I think maybe I will list 10 things I like about her every day and repeat it a lot. 

Who says? You don't have to like everyone. Some people just get on our nerves and that's ok. It's not a moral failing to thing "Dang this woman is grating."

Just now, Heartstrings said:

You mentioned that her son is her oldest and I’m thinking that your daughter is not your oldest?   I think a lot of your annoyance could be coming from that.  People act differently with their oldest, almost like their still in the “my child would NEVER” stage while you know better having gone through it. It can be a bit annoying. 
 

She also sounds a bit like a helicopter parent, which always feels very judgmental to me.   Like the driving 14 hours comment, when she said she would never allow that, there is a bit of judgement in that.  She is implying that you haven’t met her standard by allowing it.  The nail comment feels like an implied judgment as well.   You’re probably feeling that judgement from her and bristling at it.  
 

It’s like when the kids are toddlers and someone is bragging about how their precious potty trained at 16 months, loves organic, local broccoli and would never be allowed to eat something like, gasp!, goldfish crackers.  
 

It’s ok to be annoyed because her behavior is annoying.   There’s nothing wrong with you for being annoyed at annoying behavior.  It makes you human and normal.  

THIS! 

Certain of her comments do come off as critical or negative. 

I would bristle if someone commented about my kids' bad habit, even if I knew it was a bad habit, especially if it was from an in-law. It would feel critical.

[Rosie_0801]

8 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but I shouldn't dislike her. I need to fix that. I think maybe I will list 10 things I like about her every day and repeat it a lot. 

Why shouldn't you dislike people who give you reason to dislike them? 

You're allowed to have personal feelings. You're not abusing her or destroying her property. Don't treat an emotion as though it is a crime or a sin. It's too much work and it's not healthy. All you have to do is nod, smile and send briefly pleasant text responses, like you did. Your duty is done.
 

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, Heartstrings said:

You mentioned that her son is her oldest and I’m thinking that your daughter is not your oldest?   I think a lot of your annoyance could be coming from that.  People act differently with their oldest, almost like they’re still in the “my child would NEVER” stage while you know better having gone through it. It can be a bit annoying. 

Yes, I think I might have been her age now when I had my daughter. LOL.  So yeah, I have told my SIL's that she is the typical mom of a first born (which he is) and nervous.  Her son is a few years younger than my daughter as well.  She is getting ready to graduate and he still has 3 years. This may not last. Who knows.  

But thank you.  Being annoyed feels sinful to me. 

[fairfarmhand]

BTW, just from reading the texts, I don't like this lady.

I don't feel bad about it either.

I mean if we replace this with other life choices her comments are not nice.

"OMG, I canNOT believe you send your kids to public school. I mean, I would be a nervous wreck. Like, you must have so much greater trust in humanity than I do." 

"Your kid still wets the bed? Tsk tsk. Gonna have to work on that or everyone in preschool is gonna make fun!"

It's the same kind of attitude. 

[regentrude]

36 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Yeah, but I shouldn't dislike her. I need to fix that. I think maybe I will list 10 things I like about her every day and repeat it a lot. 

Why? It is natural to dislike some people. As long as you behave in a kind and polite manner towards them, there is nothing to fix.

[regentrude]

22 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

Being annoyed feels sinful to me. 

Being human is not a sin.
Having feelings is not a sin.

[marbel]

It's fine to dislike her. You don't even need a reason and you don't need to recite affirmations about her as some sort of penance.

Still, I'm not reading the judgment that others are seeing in her texts. Maybe she's being friendly in her own way, or she's intimidated by you, or she is being judgemental after all. Who knows? Just be polite when communicating with her. 

[catz]

Oh this would bother me too.  Trying to concern herself and possibly micromanage something as inconsequential as biting nails in an adult is overstepping.  Heck, it would be overstepping if it were her own adult kid IMO.  That whole exchange stands out to me.  

I'd start practicing boundaries with her.  Keep communications brief and light.  If my daughter brought up something like the nail biting thing, I'd encourage her to establish her own boundaries.  Especially if you think this relationship is going anywhere.  Sounds like an overbearing MIl in the making.

There is nothing wrong with having preferences and boundaries and not being BFFs with everyone.

Edited November 26, 2023 by catz

[heartlikealion]

That would bother me, too lol 

I would sorta take the nailing biting habit as unnecessary to point out but I’d also think I was probably overreacting. 

I’ve never had my nails done professionally. The thought of them shoving my cuticles back sorta deters me 

[Dianthus]

Maybe her son is going to propose so she had her nails done so she would be able to show off the ring? Just a possibility.

[ScoutTN]

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

There's nothing to fix.

You had an emotion. They happen. On you go with life.

This.

[WildflowerMom]

She sounds like she’s excited to finally have a girl in the mix, tbh.  I think she’s just overly excited.  What you’ve said, like ‘pretty’ is good and keeps it simple, but kind.   Not liking her isn’t sinful, being mean would be.   You’re doing great handling it, imo.  
 

 

she reminds me of the meme that says something like:  

me:  my kid will NEVER …..

my kid:  nevering like they never nevered before.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

Jesus didn’t ask us to like everyone. Or be bestest friends with everyone. From the Gospels, it appears that Jesus himself was not besties and didn’t particularly like everyone He met, and He was sinless.

So I feel like I have it on good authority that it’s not a sin to be annoyed by someone.

Her texts would greatly annoy me too. I dated someone(an oldest child with no sisters) who’s Mom was similar. Once she discovered that I wasn’t going to give up my life and plans to meld my life with her son’s life before we were married(she thought I should drop out of dual enrollment college and go on the mission field with them as a 16 year old) she stopped being nice to me.

No great loss. I honestly think your gut instinct is tossing up some red flags and you’re just unsure what to do with that because, as you said, they seem like a great family.

[Katy]

She insulted you in multiple ways. If she’s from the South I’d guess she really dislikes you. If she’s not, I’d guess she’s socially clueless and a helicopter parent. I can’t imagine micromanaging an adult. The whole thing is weird. I’d be polite but distant. 

[Indigo Blue]

Texas, I don’t think being annoyed is a sin. God gave us the ability to feel all sorts of emotions, and they have a purpose. They have a purpose or else they would not be a part of who we are. Being angry isn’t a sin. 
 

I don’t think you need fixing, per se. I just feel personally that it’s really hard from just these texts alone to discern whether she is being passive-aggressively judgmental. I think in time you will have a better idea. Then you can say your gut was right or maybe you will say you got annoyed a bit without there being any basis. Either way, it’s ok. 
 

Maybe it helped that you vented about it, and you will have better clarity on it soon. Right now, I say give benefit of the doubt. Personally, I would try to be friendly. That’s usually the best thing to do, until there is a real reason not to, IMO. 

[katilac]

44 minutes ago, Katy said:

 If she’s from the South I’d guess she really dislikes you. 

If the world could stop assuming that passive-aggressive insults are some kind of default Southern setting, that would be great. 

[alisoncooks]

The nail comment was weird. But, to me, it sounds like she is trying to establish a relationship or connection with you. Perhaps she’s anticipating a future where you might be in-laws and she’s trying to get ahead of the game and communicate with you. 

Idk. I can see myself being anxious to be liked and maybe over-sharing.

Or she could just be petty and annoying. *shrug*

[KungFuPanda]

If a stranger not only judged my daughter’s actions, but was dumb enough to put said judgement in writing and send it to me, I would struggle to like her. I would probably be a little concerned about my daughter ending up with someone whose mother is stressed at the idea of her son engaging in independent  adult behaviors to the point where she would disallow them. I’d also keep my distance because the odds of them ending up together when she’s about to graduate and he’s in college three more years aren’t great. So, I would be kind but I would be secretly a bit annoyed and kind of hope I don’t have to deal with this person forever. I wouldn’t put any real work into a relationship unless the kids actually got married. 

[teachermom2834]

I think the lady is probably harmless but I admit it would drive me nuts. First of all, I’m on kid #4 starting to date and I’ve had enough friendships with moms of partners get awkward after breakups to just prefer to keep a distance. But I find the moms are more eager for this interaction on their oldest children. So just wanting to be buddies would bug me because I’ve BTDT and try to avoid it. Then the comment about the nail biting would grate. But she probably just assumes your dd LOVED having her nails done. A lot of people who are into that cannot believe that anyone doesn’t like it. So she probably loved having a girl to do it with and she probably felt she was opening up the world of manicures to this girl who would love it and now she would want to keep her nails nice. 

I’m willing to say this lady is just awkward but I can also admit it would get all over me. I’d try to be nice because that is my way but I wouldn’t go out of my way to encourage her commentary or invite more texts. 

[Katy]

50 minutes ago, katilac said:

If the world could stop assuming that passive-aggressive insults are some kind of default Southern setting, that would be great. 

I think you forget that I'm Southern. I don't assume passive-aggressive anything, I assume superior social skills and a sort of expected decorum that make it clear one can have strong boundaries while also not being aggressive-aggressive the way people from other regions of the country are. And I assume this because starting with college I lived all over the country (except the Pacific Northwest, but two members of my FOO lived there so I have spent some time there), and it's what I not only directly observed, it's been the subject of countless conversations when I was confused about someone who was genuinely socially clueless. Also, OP is from Texas.  They've had exponential population growth over the past few decades, so it's difficult to guess what this woman's background is.

[Harriet Vane]

3 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

There's nothing to fix.

You had an emotion. They happen. On you go with life.

Love this, Rosie. 

[katilac]

10 minutes ago, Katy said:

I think you forget that I'm Southern. I don't assume passive-aggressive anything, I assume superior social skills and a sort of expected decorum that make it clear one can have strong boundaries while also not being aggressive-aggressive the way people from other regions of the country are. And I assume this because starting with college I lived all over the country (except the Pacific Northwest, but two members of my FOO lived there so I have spent some time there), and it's what I not only directly observed, it's been the subject of countless conversations when I was confused about someone who was genuinely socially clueless. Also, OP is from Texas.  They've had exponential population growth over the past few decades, so it's difficult to guess what this woman's background is.

I'm not at all understanding your conclusions. You think the other mom has insulted OP in multiple ways. 

If she's from the south, this means she dislikes OP but has superior social skills, which she exhibits by insulting OP in a 'friendly' way when she never had to text her in the first place? But that's not being passive-aggressive? How is the other mom the one that needs to have strong boundaries, wouldn't that be OP? 

But if she's from anywhere else, she's socially clueless? 

OP, it's potentially just the awkwardness of texting combined with differing senses of humor. But she can mean well all day long, and you still don't have to be her texting buddy. It's fine to be really, really slow in responding! 

[SKL]

I was a bit surprised by this thread.  I didn't really think the boyfriend's mom's comments were so awful.

It sounded to me like she was just trying to have a cheerful connection on an area that she thought would be safe / common ground.

There is nothing wrong with liking or not liking manicures / nail polish for oneself.  There's nothing wrong with the fact that her view of her kid's maturity/readiness is different from your view of your kid's.

I think OP is saying she can't place her finger on why the comments rub her the wrong way.  Because rationally, they are fairly neutral comments IMO.

But I also think it is very common for parents to be a bit defensive about comments others make about our kids.  It may be more intense in a potential in-law situation, possibly because we know of so many in-law relationships that are difficult, and these may include our own relationships with in-laws.

I think my kid's boyfriend's mom is more sensitive than I am, so I often worry that I may say or do the wrong thing (or fail to do the right thing).  It adds a whole layer of baggage that I wish didn't exist.  I promise I don't have any ulterior motives.  I don't dislike her or her kid, I don't distrust them, I don't blame them for any of my kid's bonehead choices.  I don't expect anything and I don't wonder why they didn't do xyz.  But I have inlaws who would do all of these things, so I can't help but wonder ... did I hurt her feelings?  Was I supposed to bring a gift?  Is she wondering why I haven't sent her a card?  But if I do send a card, will I annoy her by making her think I want something from her?  ....

Anyhoo ... to the question of how to "fix" it ... I guess I would just try to find a well-intentioned reason why she would have said xyz.  Or just try hard to read only the words written, and don't try to read between the lines at all.

I would have responded to the text by saying "haha!"

[TexasProud]

10 minutes ago, katilac said:

I'm not at all understanding your conclusions. You think the other mom has insulted OP in multiple ways. 

If she's from the south, this means she dislikes OP but has superior social skills, which she exhibits by insulting OP in a 'friendly' way when she never had to text her in the first place? But that's not being passive-aggressive? How is the other mom the one that needs to have strong boundaries, wouldn't that be OP? 

But if she's from anywhere else, she's socially clueless? 

OP, it's potentially just the awkwardness of texting combined with differing senses of humor. But she can mean well all day long, and you still don't have to be her texting buddy. It's fine to be really, really slow in responding! 

Yeah, I didn't understand either.  FYI, remember my daughter is going to school 14 hours north of Texas.  The other mom is from that state, not Texas. 

[prairiewindmomma]

It would bother me because she's criticizing my parenting decisions and my child. 🤷‍♀️

That said, I would eye-roll, comment politely without engaging much as you did, and move on. 

 

 

[SKL]

I guess when I hear "I couldn't do that," I don't usually interpret it as "you shouldn't do that."

[TexasProud]

I guess it wasn't just that. It was the over hour long phone call where I found out SO much more about her than I know about most of my friends.  She just volunteered all sorts of information.  I know that I do that on this board, but I really don't share a lot about stuff with people in real life.... and I didn't really know her. 

[Halftime Hope]

50 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

I guess it wasn't just that. It was the over hour long phone call where I found out SO much more about her than I know about most of my friends.  She just volunteered all sorts of information.  I know that I do that on this board, but I really don't share a lot about stuff with people in real life.... and I didn't really know her. 

I think she must be my neighbor! (Not really, but jeeze. I know enough about my neighbor's kids' business that I won't ever, ever tell her any of ours!)

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, TexasProud said:

I guess it wasn't just that. It was the over hour long phone call where I found out SO much more about her than I know about most of my friends.  She just volunteered all sorts of information.  I know that I do that on this board, but I really don't share a lot about stuff with people in real life.... and I didn't really know her. 

Some people overshare and like to talk. Just don't tell her anything you wouldn't want the whole world to know. 

[TravelingChris]

7 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Texas, I don’t think being annoyed is a sin. God gave us the ability to feel all sorts of emotions, and they have a purpose. They have a purpose or else they would not be a part of who we are. Being angry isn’t a sin. 
 

I don’t think you need fixing, per se. I just feel personally that it’s really hard from just these texts alone to discern whether she is being passive-aggressively judgmental. I think in time you will have a better idea. Then you can say your gut was right or maybe you will say you got annoyed a bit without there being any basis. Either way, it’s ok. 
 

Maybe it helped that you vented about it, and you will have better clarity on it soon. Right now, I say give benefit of the doubt. Personally, I would try to be friendly. That’s usually the best thing to do, until there is a real reason not to, IMO. 

Evern being angry is not a sin.  The emotions are not the problem. What you do with them can be.

[Shoeless]

I read your original post. The words that came to mind about her were: oversharing, overly chatty, overly familiar. She sounds like she's jumping to a high level of friendliness, and you aren't at that same level. 

Maybe she's being territorial and trying to position herself as the "Cool Mom/Cool MIL", (any chance her son is going to pop the question this Christmas?). 

Whatever she is, you don't like it, and that's fine. It doesn't mean you wish her any ill-will. Your baseline duty is to be polite and make small talk when circumstances throw you together. If she calls again, give her 10 minutes of your time and then tell her you have to be going. 

[Indigo Blue]

I just want to come back and add that just because someone overshares with you, it doesn’t mean that they will betray you with trusted information behind your back. 

[regentrude]

20 hours ago, SKL said:

I guess when I hear "I couldn't do that," I don't usually interpret it as "you shouldn't do that."

Me too. Usually they literally mean they couldn't do xyz and mean this as a compliment because they are astonished I can.
So with the driving, I wouldn't take it to mean as a criticism but more along the lines of "wow, I'm not brave enough to let my kid do such a thing, I'm too anxious".

Keep in mind that a lot of context gets lost in texting that we would otherwise be able to infer from body language and tone.

ETA: Somebody above mentioned the "I couldn't homeschool" comment as an example for passive-aggressive criticism. I got that one a lot, but have never interpreted it as criticism or doubting that my homeschooling would produce a great outcome; it was always clear that the people couldn't imagine how they would be capable of homeschooling, how they could reconcile it with their job situation, etc. It was literally about them, not me. (As are all the comments about my job: "I could never do that!" Yes, you're probably right, lol)

Edited November 27, 2023 by regentrude

[catz]

Meh - "I couldn't do that" doesn't come across that way to me as "admiration".  It can easily make someone feel on the defensive about their choices.  I just sent a kid to college in a very large city and have gotten some of this kind of response lately.  Those words don't actually don't quite express that.  If they completed the thought with their kid/situation maybe - "I don't think John at 18 was ready for that long drive nor were my nerves."  Heck, if you really respect someone's opinion and admire their ability to let their kid be independant, state it that way.  

Saying "oh, wow.  I would be nervous.  Teaching Jr. to drive was a nightmare and he keeps losing his keys.  How is it going?" shares some personal context for your feelings, opens a discussion and expresses sincere curiosity.  And to be honest, I don't remember what was exactly said in the initial post.  I am just hearing a lot of this kind of thing at the moment with a freshman in college.  

Saying "I couldn't do that" while rattling on about anything circling your head just makes the discussion about you and leaves the other person feeling like they need to justify their choices and depending on what it is might leave them second guessing.  That was another thing that struck me in the OP.  It didn't sound like she actually trying to engage OP in a kind friendly acuaintence type of way.  

At this point, with my kid at college I just respond "with this kid, I just need to follow her lead and hold on for the ride".   My husband would LOVE to tell this kid what to do.  Good luck with that lol!  I know OP has a performing arts kid too.  Those choices are often about following opportunity wherever they end up.  You may not really even have the option to make a 3 hour circle around your home base.  

Edited November 27, 2023 by catz

[Clarita]

8 minutes ago, catz said:

"I couldn't do that" doesn't come across that way to me as "admiration". 

I don't see it as admiration but a simple statement of fact that they couldn't do that. I get those same comments when I was working about my job. I've had a handful of people who made that comment about my homeschooling to make me feel defensive. There have been more people who've said that to me as a statement of fact. 

[TravelingChris]

2 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I don't see it as admiration but a simple statement of fact that they couldn't do that. I get those same comments when I was working about my job. I've had a handful of people who made that comment about my homeschooling to make me feel defensive. There have been more people who've said that to me as a statement of fact. 

We have frequently got that we are very smart- because dh is a physicist/systems engineer and Ivhave an economics degree.   

Don't get thst since we live here since this is a very educated area.

[catz]

10 minutes ago, Clarita said:

I don't see it as admiration but a simple statement of fact that they couldn't do that. I get those same comments when I was working about my job. I've had a handful of people who made that comment about my homeschooling to make me feel defensive. There have been more people who've said that to me as a statement of fact. 

Well it doesn't come across to me as a statement of fact either.  We were reluctant homeschoolers after our oldest went to school for 2 years.  Sometimes parenting leads you down roads you don't expect and I find it odd that a parent of an older kid would make a broad statement like that to a near stranger.  I have helped parents who have had to pull their kids out of school in a crises situation due to mental or physical illness, bullying, neurodiversity, etc. It doesn't seem like a huge stretch to understand different kids have different needs and may require different decisions.  I actully think if most engaged parents had a school situation that required changing, they would work to find a solution.   So my instinct when faced with this when my kids were younger was more along the lines of sometimes you do what you have to do.  

It isn't a statement that will naturally lead to open friendly conversation in any case.  

[Clarita]

5 minutes ago, catz said:

It isn't a statement that will naturally lead to open friendly conversation in any case.  

No it really isn't. I've just got that statement for everything from doing math, to speaking to a man, to reading, to not drinking coffee, not just parenting things.