Am I over-reacting?

[DawnM]

Ok, so.....today is my little man's birthday.   He is 5.   His paternal bio grandmother sent him a few things.   Just a little box but there was a shirt in it and I thought it would be a nice gesture to send her a picture of him in the shirt.   So I texted her a pic.

She responded with, "Can I get a video of him thanking me?"

Um.....no.   You don't get to demand a video, and def. not a forced thank you, AND you are lucky I even talk to you, I don't have to and there is some history that makes me willing to cut things off at any moment.

I have no intention of sending the video.   

Maybe I am too emotional over this?

Edited November 27, 2022 by DawnM

[fraidycat]

No, I don't think you are overreacting.

You are not *too* emotional. You are appropriately emotional. There is history there that informs your decision-making. When your Mama Gut says no, the answer is no.

[Katy]

Absolutely not. 

[Carol in Cal.]

That is an extremely weird request, and I would ignore it completely.  If I felt snarky I might answer You’re welcome, but probably not.

I don’t blame you for being upset.

[Elizabeth86]

You are not overreacting IMO.

[teachermom2834]

That’s super weird. Even without a bunch of baggage I would be like nope that’s weird and I’m not doing it.

[Katy]

The only reason for a request like that is for her to show off & pretend they have a sort of relationship they don’t have. My kids don’t exist to boost someone’s ego or lord a false idea over anyone else. Didn’t you have another thread about over-reacting to the same person in the last year?  She’s so creepy I think I’d ignore the request too. 

[catz]

I assume there is some history there that makes that fraught which makes it entirely your call whether it's reasonable. 

I think this would be not a big deal in a lot of healthy grandparent relationships and asking a child to thank someone for a gift is teaching manners, not like giving up autonomy.  But it's also completely understandable why this would be crossing a line in some other situations given your little one's history.

I would just ignore the request.

[Pam in CT]

I... wouldn't consider even trying to get a kid to produce a compelled thank you video if my own mother demanded it.

 

I mean: she wouldn't. And my none of my kids would do it if she tried, or I tried.

But that is way over the line even without the history here.

No "emotion" called for, or response. But no.

 

[DawnM]

25 minutes ago, Katy said:

The only reason for a request like that is for her to show off & pretend they have a sort of relationship they don’t have. My kids don’t exist to boost someone’s ego or lord a false idea over anyone else. Didn’t you have another thread about over-reacting to the same person in the last year?  She’s so creepy I think I’d ignore the request too. 

That is kind of where my mind was going too.

And maybe I did!   HAHA!   I will have to see if I can find it.   I don't remember, but there was so much going on that I may have blocked it.

Edited November 27, 2022 by DawnM

[pinball]

43 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Ok, so.....today is my little man's birthday.   He is 5.   His paternal bio grandmother sent him a few things.   Just a little box but there was a shirt in it and I thought it would be a nice gesture to send her a picture of him in the shirt.   So I texted her a pic.

She responded with, "Can I get a video of him thanking me?"

Um.....no.   You don't get to demand a video, and def. not a forced thank you, AND you are lucky I even talk to you, I don't have to and there is some history that makes me willing to cut things off at any moment.

I have no intention of sending the video.   

Maybe I am too emotional over this?

If this is a grandma that lost her in-person relationship with your son, then I can understand her desire to hear his voice and see him in more than just a still photo.

You can tell her you will be limiting to photos only but for your own peace of mind, don’t dwell on the appropriateness of her request.

happy Birthday to your littlest guy!

[Garga]

I remember the stories with this grandma! Absolutely no video. You give an inch and she wants a mile—the gall.

You are correct in your actions and you are not being overly emotional. Your response is a normal response. You don’t need to doubt yourself.

 

[Kassia]

Definitely not overreacting.  

[ScoutTN]

You are not overreacting. No video, no how. Protect your little guy.

[Faith-manor]

I remember the grandma stories. She is quite the piece of work. You were more than nice enough just sending her a pic, and then bam, she had to come back demanding something inappropriate. You are not over-reacting, I would consider the possibility of going no contact for a year so she doesn't start badgering you with more inappropriate demands. She is just 😱.

[Harriet Vane]

You’re not overreacting.

Just ignore. She doesn’t have boundaries and never will. Roll your eyes and move on. 

[maize]

That is a super weird and completely inappropriate response on her part.

[Grace Hopper]

6 hours ago, fraidycat said:

No, I don't think you are overreacting.

You are not *too* emotional. You are appropriately emotional. There is history there that informs your decision-making. When your Mama Gut says no, the answer is no.

Agree! Your alert level is appropriately raised, for rational reasons. Agreeing with @Gargawrt to the inch/mile request. I’d not even respond, you do not owe her an explanation about why you don’t want to send a video. No telling where she may flash or post it. 

6 hours ago, Katy said:

The only reason for a request like that is for her to show off & pretend they have a sort of relationship they don’t have. My kids don’t exist to boost someone’s ego or lord a false idea over anyone else. Didn’t you have another thread about over-reacting to the same person in the last year?  She’s so creepy I think I’d ignore the request too. 

One of our grands was not involved much but went through a phase of making odd weekly phone calls asking for detailed updates on the kids. We finally figured out they had joined a grandparents group and we were getting a call in the afternoon before the evening’s meeting to harvest some talking points. We started “missing”those calls, letting them go to voice mail. (This was not a villainous person, just someone looking for not-quite-earned bragging rights, so we stayed in contact but were careful with info supply til they lost interest in that group). 

Edited November 28, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Melissa in Australia]

Not overreacting at all. Not in the slightest. 

[Acadie]

No, you're not overreacting and you don't need to answer the request for performative gratitude. 

An appropriate grandparent response to the photo you thoughtfully sent would be, "Oh my gosh, he looks so cute! Our darling boy--thanks for sending!"

 

[SKL]

I don't think the request was horrible, but you don't have to honor it.

I don't think it's unusual for people to require kids to say thanks for gifts.  I do think in this situation I wouldn't do it.  But I don't think it's an extreme or bad-faith request from the birth mom's perspective.

I think it would be fine to just ignore the request and move on.

[Scarlett]

6 hours ago, SKL said:

I don't think the request was horrible, but you don't have to honor it.

I don't think it's unusual for people to require kids to say thanks for gifts.  I do think in this situation I wouldn't do it.  But I don't think it's an extreme or bad-faith request from the birth mom's perspective.

I think it would be fine to just ignore the request and move on.

It would be the parent if the child who received the gift requiring a thank you.  Not the gift giver.  
 

[Scarlett]

Not over reacting at all @DawnM

[maize]

6 hours ago, SKL said:

I don't think the request was horrible, but you don't have to honor it.

I don't think it's unusual for people to require kids to say thanks for gifts.  I do think in this situation I wouldn't do it.  But I don't think it's an extreme or bad-faith request from the birth mom's perspective.

I think it would be fine to just ignore the request and move on.

It is entirely  inappropriate for a third party gift giver to demand that a parent force a child to record a thank-you video.

Appropriate responses to the photo OP sent would have been along the lines of:

"Thank you so much for the photo! Please tell (child) happy birthday from me!"

 

[SKL]

I guess it read to me like a mild request, not a demand.

I realize the granny is not legally granny any more.  But she may not really get that in the way OP does.

I think ignoring the request would be the kindest reaction for all involved.

[Farrar]

I don't actually feel like it's as horrible a request as everyone else. I mean, it's common in a lot of families to open gifts on a video call now or send a little video of the kid with the gift or saying thanks. So a little odd that she wanted one that was specifically a thank you, but I don't think it's odd at all to ask for a video of the kid in a general sense. In a normal grandma relationship, I'd chalk that up to awkward wording - as in, just wanting a little video with the gift more than anything.

That said, there's obviously a ton of history that skews the whole thing. So, definitely feel okay about your boundaries.

[TravelingChris]

Agreed w/ the Hive yesterday but tech issues got response deleted.  No, demanding thank you's is not appropriate. 

I did ask my new dgd1 about if she had read any of the books I had given her- most were on her wish list, plus I added one or two similar mystery writers from the same era she wanted.  This was at a breakfast at Panera Bread more than 7 months later.  She admitted she hadn't read any so I just went on and talked with her about her drawings and she showed me some of her drawings on the phone. No demands on either her or her sister to thank me.

And especially with the issues that have occurred, you are completely in the right.  I just gave the three adult woman in my life the book "The Gift of Fear" which came out originally about 25 years ago.  The main point of the book is there is usually a very good reason your mind is making you cautious.

[zimom]

I saw a video recently of a girl that was doing a breakdown of a photo her dad posted on social media.  Her dad captioned it:  Happy 16th birthday (Susie).  Tell Jarred (her boyfriend) hello.   

Her dad was a deadbeat dad that wanted to sound like he was involved her in life.

She was actually 23.  Her boyfriend's name was Jerry.   The photo was of her SISTER, Rebecca!!!   

[LucyStoner]

10 hours ago, Farrar said:

I don't actually feel like it's as horrible a request as everyone else. I mean, it's common in a lot of families to open gifts on a video call now or send a little video of the kid with the gift or saying thanks. So a little odd that she wanted one that was specifically a thank you, but I don't think it's odd at all to ask for a video of the kid in a general sense. In a normal grandma relationship, I'd chalk that up to awkward wording - as in, just wanting a little video with the gift more than anything.

That said, there's obviously a ton of history that skews the whole thing. So, definitely feel okay about your boundaries.

The scripted thank you comes across to me as clueless and a bit selfish.  Asking for a video or a FaceTime call in general though doesn’t seem especially invasive in this day and age.  That said, if the history with this person gives Dawn any pause, it’s A-OK to ignore or say “No.”

Edited November 29, 2022 by LucyStoner

[stephanier.1765]

My grand daughter's b-day was just a few days ago. Her parents made a special time where they Facetimed us while she opened her gifts from her Florida relatives (grandparents and great grandparents). It was awesome and very special. They do this for every birthday and Christmas.

I do realized the situation and grandparent are very different from our situation but Facetiming or sharing a video of a child with their birthday gift isn't that unusual. I never ask them, though. The parents come up with the idea and ask me for a good time. 

[teachermom2834]

There is nothing weird about a parent sending a video of a grandchild thanking a grandparent for a gift. It does seem super pushy for even a normal relationships to say “ could you please send a video of Johnny thanking me”.

I want my kids to say their thank yous. I remind them and I prod to write notes when that is necessary. But I would always bristle at someone giving my kid a gift and then saying “now say thank you.” That’s as rude as a kid not saying thank you, IMO. 
 

Of course this isn’t a regular relationship but I think it isn’t appropriate to solicit thank yous in general. “I’d love a video if you have one.” Sure. “Can you send me a video of him telling me thank you?” That would send me up a wall. I’d say not to bother with a gift next time. But obviously we are all different and things that make some of us batty are no biggie to someone else who has some other issue.

Regardless, Dawn you are doing just fine.
 

 

[Danae]

I think you're fine ignoring the request.  If you're having big emotions about it you probably are "over-reacting" in the sense that it's not a surprise that this person makes requests that you won't be fulfilling and you should try to develop an iron hide toward them.  

[Spryte]

I remember (some of) the history here. I don’t think you are over-reacting, given the history and context. My guess is you are reacting to that, as much as anything else.

She reminds me of someone in one of my kids’ (birth)life. It wouldn’t matter *what* nice thing I did for her with pics, videos, crafts, visits — whatever nice thing was met with a request for more and different. Give an inch, take a mile. And since most people would never have given that person an inch, ever, it rankled not to get at least a “Thanks!” It was always, “More!” with a healthy dose of expectations and entitlement. 

 

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, Spryte said:

I remember (some of) the history here. I don’t think you are over-reacting, given the history and context. My guess is you are reacting to that, as much as anything else.

She reminds me of someone in one of my kids’ (birth)life. It wouldn’t matter *what* nice thing I did for her with pics, videos, crafts, visits — whatever nice thing was met with a request for more and different. Give an inch, take a mile. And since most people would never have given that person an inch, ever, it rankled not to get at least a “Thanks!” It was always, “More!” with a healthy dose of expectations and entitlement. 

 

Exactly. Well said. 

I have a person like this in my life. Thankfully I have a lot less contact now, but in the days that I helped with this person's kids years ago, it was always like this. No matter what I offered or no matter how much I helped, there was always a negotiation for more or for different. Always. It's exhausting and infuriating.

[DawnM]

She texted last night and asked if he had liked the candy.   I didn't respond.   Um, it is a small bag of skittles, not like hand made candies.....sugar....yes he liked it.

I didn't respond.

Today she texts and says, "You haven't responded yet.   Has A (bio mom) been contacting you?   Is that what the problem is that makes it so you can't respond?"

HUH?   No, you are just annoying as heck and I am exhausted.   Back off a bit please.

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

She texted last night and asked if he had liked the candy.   I didn't respond.   Um, it is a small bag of skittles, not like hand made candies.....sugar....yes he liked it.

I didn't respond.

Today she texts and says, "You haven't responded yet.   Has A (bio mom) been contacting you?   Is that what the problem is that makes it so you can't respond?"

HUH?   No, you are just annoying as heck and I am exhausted.   Back off a bit please.

Ugh. She thinks you guys are friends. She thinks she's part of the family. She doesn't recognize that any pictures or contact you offer her is a kindness on your part. I'm sorry. 

Perhaps just give a quick answer re the candy but don't address the drama: "He likes the Skittles." Then don't answer any more?

Or simply never answer again, which will bring more drama in the short term but at some point that will shift to silence. Not sure what you feel is best here as I know there are complicated family connections. Whatever you decide, we're on your side. 

[Melissa in Australia]

Can you block her? I don't know how blocking works but have heard that some people on this forum do

So glad certain people in my boys past don't know my phone number. 

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Can you block her? I don't know how blocking works but have heard that some people on this forum do

So glad certain people in my boys past don't know my phone number. 

What do you mean?   Anyone can block anyone.   Or do you mean am I allowed?   I don't have to have any contact with her at all.  I was trying to be nice.   But she is way overstepping.  

[Melissa in Australia]

24 minutes ago, DawnM said:

What do you mean?   Anyone can block anyone.   Or do you mean am I allowed?   I don't have to have any contact with her at all.  I was trying to be nice.   But she is way overstepping.  

I mean I  personally don't know how to block. I have only heard about blocking on this forum. 

[DawnM]

8 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

I mean I  personally don't know how to block. I have only heard about blocking on this forum. 

Be thankful you haven't needed it.