How many high quality “Inner Sanctum” relationships do you have?

[QueenCat]

Building friendships is very important to me. It's why I really put myself out there whenever we move. Within three weeks of moving here, I had already found a book club. Within two months, I'd joined two small organizations, where I am also developing friendships. 

[Farrar]

Just now, QueenCat said:

Interesting... I'm in my mid-50s and absolutely have a good, solid network of friends. Still building a new one, since we moved about 8 months ago, but definitely am progressing with that. My mother always had a group of good friends. Most people I know seem to have that. 

I'm in my mid-40's and I do too... and I know many people who do as well. But also, I know people who don't - and several people in this thread have basically said it's just their dh. And I know many people who have strong networks, but none of them are in that inner sanctum - that a lot of topics are off limits except with their spouse. Which doesn't mean they don't have active, happy social lives, just that their expectations about that doesn't include spilling about private stuff, even after years of friendship. Whereas the younger folks I know - they definitely have fewer boundaries about stuff with close friends.

Like all things generational though, it's a big generalization and obviously won't apply to everyone. If I'm even right in my anecdotal observation.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

3 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I'm in my mid-40's and I do too... and I know many people who do as well. But also, I know people who don't - and several people in this thread have basically said it's just their dh. And I know many people who have strong networks, but none of them are in that inner sanctum - that a lot of topics are off limits except with their spouse. Which doesn't mean they don't have active, happy social lives, just that their expectations about that doesn't include spilling about private stuff, even after years of friendship. Whereas the younger folks I know - they definitely have fewer boundaries about stuff with close friends.

Like all things generational though, it's a big generalization and obviously won't apply to everyone. If I'm even right in my anecdotal observation.

It depends on the age, too. I had a group of 8 really close friends in my 20s. People I trusted and could tell anything too.  After getting married and having a baby fourteen months later friendships fell apart.  I’ve never been able to regain any of that.

If you had told 23 year old me that 40 year old me wouldn’t have any real friends, I’d have laughed at you. 

[Kassia]

23 minutes ago, Farrar said:

 

I worry deeply about dh, who only has me. Anyone else in this state? Like, I love dh so much. He's so excellent. Many people think so. Other than me and the kids, he keeps them all (even his family) at arm's length.

My DH only has me and the kids really.  Other than that just acquaintances but certainly no one he'd talk about feelings or anything of importance.

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

Building friendships is very important to me. It's why I really put myself out there whenever we move. Within three weeks of moving here, I had already found a book club. Within two months, I'd joined two small organizations, where I am also developing friendships. 

This is interesting to me. I have always lived in the same state. It takes me a long time to build a friendship to the level I talk about in the OP. I have wondered before how I would build friendships again if/when we move. Even if it is within the same region, all my current groups would not work any more and I would need new groups. I am not sure how I would go about doing that. 

[WildflowerMom]

Dh has friends, but I don’t, not really anyway.  I talk to my neighbor every now and then, but that’s it.    Dh and I are both introverts, but he works so naturally he has relationships I do not.   He has a close group of friends at work, probably 5-7 guys, that text and Snapchat each other regularly, despite seeing each other at work daily.   They do talk about more private stuff when they’re alone, stuff you wouldn’t necessarily think guys would talk about.   But they are a close group, something he’s lucky to have found, because I think it’s pretty rare for men from what I’ve seen.   

[Arcadia]

I have very close friends from elementary and middle school that I know can keep secrets and would give honest opinions if ask.

I have relatives who I can trust as well as relatives who are mercenaries. The mercenary relatives kind of make it easier to spot the “honor code” relatives  because those would protect.

While I can trust my husband, I won’t confide any making use of people issues with in-laws to him because there is nothing he can do about it (we already moved all the way to another country) and he is already resigned about it. I can talk about any issues I may have with his sister because the issues doesn’t have ill intentions. 
 

I can confide in my late mom but not my dad. The problem is that my dad is the kind that if questioned by no boundaries people would spill the beans. My relatives are protective towards my dad because they are afraid he is easily conned. I did my parents income tax since I was a kid and my mom would send me to the ATM to get cash from my parents account. So it has always been a “reverse” relationship between my dad and me. More like me taking care of my dad. I helped my dad grade the MCQs section on class tests as a kid because he had too many to grade (40 students x 3 classes) in public school. 

[cintinative]

I think there is a difference between having a friend and what the OP question suggested which is having a friend you can basically talk to about anything. I know a lot of people, many that I consider friends, but very, very few that I would feel comfortable calling on the spot in a crisis.  Maybe I am misreading the OP but that is what I was imagining. 

What I find anymore is a lot of people who say they want to get together  lack any margin to do it.  Even some people who I would otherwise like to know better just are otherwise spread too thin.  They may be really empathetic and truly could be a good friend but they lack availability. That's a whole other thread I think.  

I don't mean this to be offensive, but some people just go deeper than others too.  I am a very intense person and I feel deeply.  I don't mean other people don't feel. I just mean--I can be "a  lot" for some people. So the population I can pull from of people who will get me and not be overwhelmed is small in my experience.  

 

[Chelli]

None. 

Once dh went into ministry that was the end of having any kind of friendship like that. 

[skimomma]

I have five.  Dh and four friends.  The four friends are the female sides of four families that are our "chosen family" so dh has the male sides of that as well.  We do just about everything together and some of these friendships go back 25 years....basically picking up spouses as people got married.  I could almost include the male sides in my number but there are a very few topics that I would not share with any of them.  We have been through affairs, deaths, major illnesses, etc.....  We have basically moved into each others' houses during bad times.  We also celebrate almost everything together as well as vacation together.  There is pretty much nothing that is off limits.  We talk almost daily and see each other in person multiple times a week.  We all live within walking distance.  Our kids think this is "normal" until they learn that it is not.  

I have no one in my family like this.  My sibling and in-laws are just too distant, physically and philosophically.  My mom has dementia, but even before that we were never close.  

[QueenCat]

34 minutes ago, Quill said:

This is interesting to me. I have always lived in the same state. It takes me a long time to build a friendship to the level I talk about in the OP. I have wondered before how I would build friendships again if/when we move. Even if it is within the same region, all my current groups would not work any more and I would need new groups. I am not sure how I would go about doing that. 

Oh, I'm not at that point with the friendships I'm building here. But I still have good friends, that I've met in other places, that I do talk to on an intimate basis. It takes a while to get to that point.

As to how? Join things where you'll meet people. You won't make a bff everywhere, but if you don't put yourself out there, you won't meet one anywhere.

[TheReader]

45 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

It depends on the age, too. I had a group of 8 really close friends in my 20s. People I trusted and could tell anything too.  After getting married and having a baby fourteen months later friendships fell apart.  I’ve never been able to regain any of that.

If you had told 23 year old me that 40 year old me wouldn’t have any real friends, I’d have laughed at you. 

Springboarding off of this, but not really directed at you, just continuing the "it comes in phases" part of the conversation.....I wonder how much is influenced by the particular things our growing-up kids face?  And/or if that's part of why younger women still have that, with so many?  Talking about the "anything" that your 5 yr old gets up to is a lot different than the "anything" of your 15 or 25 yr old, especially as those paths diverge from your/their friend's paths.....

Until we went through what we did with oldest, which I did pretty publicly spill here but was very guarded with IRL, I'd have said that I had more friends I could talk to "about anything."  Until the "anything" was 1 -- not wholly mine, and 2 -- so outside the realm of what I ever imagined my "anything" would ever include, and 3 -- so utterly painful and raw to deal with, talk about, etc.  (For anyone who wasn't here then/doesn't remember, he had a hospitalization, he's better now, but we left our church over it/the pastor's response to it, and it really revealed who really was an "anything" friend and who wasn't...)

Although this does remind me, I do have another 2 or so friends I *could* talk to even about that stuff, but time/space has distanced us to where it wasn't practical, and the local, close friend made it not necessary to expand that particular circle at that particular time. Had I called either of them up, though, they'd have listened judgement free, 1000%. 

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, cintinative said:

I think there is a difference between having a friend and what the OP question suggested which is having a friend you can basically talk to about anything. I know a lot of people, many that I consider friends, but very, very few that I would feel comfortable calling on the spot in a crisis.  Maybe I am misreading the OP but that is what I was imagining. 

What I find anymore is a lot of people who say they want to get together  lack any margin to do it.  Even some people who I would otherwise like to know better just are otherwise spread too thin.  They may be really empathetic and truly could be a good friend but they lack availability. That's a whole other thread I think.  

I don't mean this to be offensive, but some people just go deeper than others too.  I am a very intense person and I feel deeply.  I don't mean other people don't feel. I just mean--I can be "a  lot" for some people. So the population I can pull from of people who will get me and not be overwhelmed is small in my experience.  

 

My meaning in the OP is that “Inner Sanctum” friends are both friends you trust with pretty much any information *and* people you would call in a crisis. To me, those things are the same because if I have a friend whom I could call at 2 am and could tell, “Hey, I just got a call from my kid from jail…”, that is also the same person I trust completely not to turn it back on me, not to abandon me because we’re imperfect, not to be so horrified they can’t be any help at all and not to gossip about it to other people. In reality, though, I’m not a 2am-caller kind of friend on the whole; in fact, I have literally never called a friend at 2am so far in my life. (So far, anything that has been a crisis at 2am is still going to be a crisis five hours later, so I haven’t felt the need to phone a friend at that time just to have more people fretting about it.) 

 

To the second part of your post: It is true one cannot always deepen friendships just by picking someone out and trying to go deep. A lot of people either don’t have the bandwidth for it, aren’t looking for another/a new close friend or just do not have the time. When my kids were little, all my relationship-building bandwidth was expended on my kids or on their behalf. 

[MEmama]

It’s only been in the last couple of years that I’ve realized how guarded I am; it’s a defense mechanism from growing up in an emotionally unsafe home and having been bullied constantly as a child. I’ve never been a joiner, almost always preferring one good friend to a group of people I just know. It’s rare that I can be completely open.

Currently I have a very good friend here whom I can tell anything, though I choose to keep some topics to myself. We have both been slowly opening up and letting each other in more throughout the years; she is definitely a safe person. We see each other nearly every week. My bff from high school lives on the opposite coast; we “reunited” a couple years ago after 25 years or so of going separate ways, but it’s as though no time has passed at all. He gets me on a different level, knows my vulnerabilities and my deepest secrets/truths. I talk with him about topics I don’t discuss with anyone else. We chat on the phone every week or two. I can talk about most things with DH but there are topics that I don’t want to delve into with him that I haven’t completely sorted through, that he can’t be expected to fully understand.

[Pam in CT]

I answered 1-3 because the question was framed as EVERYTHING, and so, my therapist and one particular friend.  But there are 3+ more that fall into everything but x/y/z... most notably my husband, whom I love dearly but isn't by disposition much for deeply intimate conversations and also, I have a different/independent relationship with our now-grown kids than he does, which sometimes entails my keeping their confidences that are no longer mine to tell.... and my SIL, whom I adore to the ends of the earth and feel free to talk about anything but I do hold back on kvetching about my husband/her brother because that would put her in an awkward place... and my now-grown kids, from whom I hold back on confidences from their siblings if the siblings have asked me to keep the confidence, KWIM?

I guess I mean... if someone has explicitly asked me to keep a confidence, I really am not going to spill that to anyone no matter how close I am to a particular confidant.

[YaelAldrich]

I have (had) one which in reality is more zero. He was that person I could (and did) call in a real crisis. And he was a rock after my sister died. But my DH discouraged that relationship and then forbade it. After a year of marital therapy to bring back our marriage, he acquiesced to restarting the relationship but it never recovered. He ghosted me. I get it. 

My DH has finally learned that an emotional connection is imperative to a good marriage and that's great! But I won't ever tell DH that he broke my heart by taking away that friendship from me.

[Clarita]

My husband absolutely everything. I had to learn how to do this in our marriage and it was a bit of trial by fire our first year. As I've gradually share with him absolutely everything or at least be open to it (there are some body concerns that you know he doesn't really want to listen to me talk on end about).

Then I have 2 friends that I talk to who don't need to fix my problems or are as invested in what's going on as my husband. I am a little more aware when discussing politics and money stuff with them. I have other people in my life to discuss those specific topics with but with them I don't share my more intimate feelings and insecurities with. 

[Murphy101]

I wasn’t sure how to answer the second question of how often do I confide in them. 

These are people I love so we rarely go more than a day without talking to each other. If one of us is having some kind of crisis, we practically spend every day together during those times.

[Sneezyone]

People I speak to everyday or at least every month or two? five. Bestie, former roomie, cousin, hubster, sis. People I could call up for any reason and know all my business anyway, 10. Dad, stepmom,  college roomies/friends.

Edited June 15, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

My meaning in the OP is that “Inner Sanctum” friends are both friends you trust with pretty much any information *and* people you would call in a crisis. To me, those things are the same because if I have a friend whom I could call at 2 am and could tell, “Hey, I just got a call from my kid from jail…”, that is also the same person I trust completely not to turn it back on me, not to abandon me because we’re imperfect, not to be so horrified they can’t be any help at all and not to gossip about it to other people. In reality, though, I’m not a 2am-caller kind of friend on the whole; in fact, I have literally never called a friend at 2am so far in my life. (So far, anything that has been a crisis at 2am is still going to be a crisis five hours later, so I haven’t felt the need to phone a friend at that time just to have more people fretting about it.) 

 

To the second part of your post: It is true one cannot always deepen friendships just by picking someone out and trying to go deep. A lot of people either don’t have the bandwidth for it, aren’t looking for another/a new close friend or just do not have the time. When my kids were little, all my relationship-building bandwidth was expended on my kids or on their behalf. 

Those things are definitely not the same to me.
I have a large network of people who would jump up and help my family around the clock.  Some of them are not people I talk to about much at all, let alone deeply personal or intimate topics. And I’d do the same for them, even though I don’t particularly like some of them!
We have someone helping to move appliances in a few days, and we generally don’t like him. But he’s a good person… just not one we enjoy all the time or agree with on much.  He’s community-minded though, and so are we.  I would definitely help him or his family in return. But no double date nights.
My friend’s husband has “saved” my kid from a bad situation when she called.  He’s a real difficult person to get along with, but I trust him with my literal life.  Not my emotions or my musings about what I should do with my life, but I know he’d physically protect every one of my loved ones. And I’ll always do whatever I can for his family.
My sister, I can’t necessarily trust her not to hint at things I’ve said about my other sister (not that it matters to me,) but I know I can loan her any amount of money and have zero concerns about getting it back exactly when promised because that’s even more important to her than it is to me. So different types of trust.

I see most humans, including myself, as very complicated. I don’t believe any 1 person can fulfill all of any other person’s needs.  So variety is good! 🙂 

[Pam in CT]

re distinction between "folks you call for urgent help" vs "folks you confide in":

Yeah, we have an extended network in cities across America of folks we'd call in a crisis, but a whole branch of the family is chock-full of they-can't-even-help-themselves hopeless gossips.  Rock solid in a crisis, but gossip *is their fuel,* bless their hearts, I know FOR A FACT they would not keep a confidence.

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Those things are definitely not the same to me.
I have a large network of people who would jump up and help my family around the clock.

I find that so interesting. I think it’s very ingrained in my head that you don’t bother other people off hours (so to speak) unless they are your closest people (or your OBGYN, lol). 

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Pam in CT said:

re distinction between "folks you call for urgent help" vs "folks you confide in":

Yeah, we have an extended network in cities across America of folks we'd call in a crisis, but a whole branch of the family is chock-full of they-can't-even-help-themselves hopeless gossips.  Rock solid in a crisis, but gossip *is their fuel,* bless their hearts, I know FOR A FACT they would not keep a confidence.

That’s a deal-breaker for me. I have ditched a “friend” before because she could not keep her lips shut about anything. What’s that thing about “the grey rock”?  There are certain people who are never going to know a thing about my family beyond what we had on our pizza Friday night and how rainy it’s been lately. 

[Carrie12345]

27 minutes ago, Quill said:

I find that so interesting. I think it’s very ingrained in my head that you don’t bother other people off hours (so to speak) unless they are your closest people (or your OBGYN, lol). 

Do you REALLY think that though?
If your neighbor’s house were on fire at 2am, wouldn’t you let them in?
If your neighbor got hurt at midnight and no other adult was home to care for their kids, wouldn’t you? 
If a neighbor’s car wouldn’t start at 6am, would you give their kid a lift to the bus stop? (Or school, for people who don’t live 2 miles from bus stops, lol.)
And even more hypotheticals for people you deeply care about? 

If you would do that for others, isn’t okay for you to do it, too?

Now, calling people at ridiculous hours just to vent or whatever is an entirely different thing.  I don’t even call my closest people during regular hours for that, lol. 

[Lecka]

Edit:  I think I took this question in a weird way.

I will change my answer to say — only my husband knows my entire life history.  Only my husband is someone I can discuss some private family matters with, that would violate expectations of privacy to talk about more widely.

I think I can talk about things I want to talk about with more people, in a good way.

There are things here and there where it’s not my business to talk about things that are private to a family member.

There was something with my volunteering recently that I only shared with my husband, that I consider private to another person, and not appropriate for me to share more.

But I do tell my husband stuff like that.  
 

I think that’s a pretty high bar, and that I can talk about all kinds of things that matter to me with other people, without telling them about things in my earlier life I am not proud of, or getting into things that for example — my oldest son had something once and asked me not to tell my mom or my sister, and since then I have cut down since clearly there was a feeling there that was I oversharing. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Lecka

[Harriet Vane]

There's really two answers to this question for me.

I have a solid several dear friends in whom I can totally confide anything, and do regularly connect with them for great sharing. I have known each of them 25-30 years.

I do not have any such friends where I currently live, though. After being here nearly a decade, I thought I would have more, closer friendships. There are a couple people who I consider real friends, but those friendships haven't gone that deep yet. Having come from a context in which we were bathed in friendship, it has felt dry here, socially speaking.

[JustEm]

56 minutes ago, Quill said:

I find that so interesting. I think it’s very ingrained in my head that you don’t bother other people off hours (so to speak) unless they are your closest people (or your OBGYN, lol). 

And I find this so interesting.  If we're talking about people we'd reach out to in an emergency or that would reach out to me, my number is probably in the double digits.  But people I'd share my most personal side of myself is the 4 or 5 I mentioned

[Clarita]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

That’s a deal-breaker for me. I have ditched a “friend” before because she could not keep her lips shut about anything. What’s that thing about “the grey rock”?  There are certain people who are never going to know a thing about my family beyond what we had on our pizza Friday night and how rainy it’s been lately. 

Actually though sometimes those friends aren't that bad. They are also the people who (because they "know" all the business) pulls together the meal train and the fund raisers for the friend in need. My noisy neighbor is the glue of our neighborhood. She let's the neighborhood know when someone is on vacation so we can all be a little more vigilant for suspicious activity at their house, informs the elderly lady's kids that her current nurse is a bit scuzzy, let's you know that Bob down the street has a power washer that maybe you can use, etc. I mean yes you need to know what you tell this person will be all over the city before night fall, but I have to be honest a few of them are my emergency all hours contacts, because they know where to get the help I need now. 

[KungFuPanda]

6 hours ago, Scarlett said:

What kind of things can you not discuss with your husbands?

Mainly topics that disinterest him. I give him the highlights, but it feels rude to drag someone through the minutia of a topic that disinterests them. I care about my audience, and I have other friends, so I will let people specialize in some topics. 
 

I feel very privileged to have such a variety and number of trusted friends. I make a point of putting in the emotional work it takes to keep friendships from stagnating. I have, on occasion, been someone’s only confidant and that’s a great deal of pressure. It’s a lot of responsibility and I do wish those people had a deeper bench. 

[Lecka]

I used to feel that way (Edit — that I didn’t need to worry about what I said), but I think my life has gotten a little more complicated and my kids have gotten older, and now there are more things where — I can’t say what’s going on with my kids like I could when they were younger.  
 

For me there are some more complicated things I am privy to where it would be easy to share inappropriately.  
 

 So I have gotten more constrained.

 

But at the same time — I am also better about saying something very general and then saying how I feel.  But even with doing that, there are things where it would just be violating another person’s privacy.

 

It is a major change for me. 
 

I don’t know if I really overshared when I was younger, or if I just didn’t have anything to overshare.

 

My oldest son didn’t care when he was younger about things he cares about now, and I have to watch it.  It’s at a point where he is not going to tell me things if he doesn’t trust me.  So I err on the side of caution!!!!!!!

 

Anyway — I do think I am taking it in a weird way.

 

I would call someone in an emergency because sometimes I have not had a choice.  With my husband being in the military — sometimes I have moved and barely known anyone, and just had to reach out anyways.  But it’s also known that sometimes people are in that situation.  

Edited June 15, 2022 by Lecka

[LucyStoner]

My husband.

One of my siblings.

A friend from childhood I am in regular contact with- we joke that we’d bury a body for the other, no questions asked.  Also that friend’s wife.  

A close female friend from college.

A couple my husband and I are close to that we met when our oldest kids were babies.

So that adds up to seven.  More than I guessed before I listed it out.  Those are people who I can discuss anything personal with and vice versa.  Those are the first people I text or call when something major happens and who I’ll tell more than the surface level information to.  They are also the people with keys to our place and stuff like that.  
 

 

 

Edited June 15, 2022 by LucyStoner

[Garga]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

What kind of things can you not discuss with your husbands?

My dh has something that was just posted in another thread today: Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/adhd/are-your-anxiety-and-depression-caused-by-rejection-sensitive-dysphoria/

This means he is prone to interpreting benign comments as rejection or criticism, even if they’re not directed at him. So, it makes conversations about my real, raw, messy, human emotions difficult. He tends to misinterpret my emotions as somehow him being at fault or…something. I don’t know what exactly, but he cannot handle me when I’m being my most real. So, I can’t really vent to him about my most vulnerable feelings or it just gets weird and we end up feeling estranged for no good reason.

I have cultivated a few women friendships that I can be my most raw in front of. Maybe 3 or 4 of them.

5 hours ago, Farrar said:

I'm reading the responses to this and I think there's a bit of a generation gap in expectations around some of this. I was talking to my good friend who's a bit younger and her bff and they were saying how utterly foreign it is to them that their mothers don't have a wider circle of people to lean on than just their husbands and how limiting they would find that. They both have really wide networks of friendships that I see echoed among other millennials in my life, like my step-sister. 

 

4 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

It depends on the age, too. I had a group of 8 really close friends in my 20s. People I trusted and could tell anything too.  After getting married and having a baby fourteen months later friendships fell apart.  I’ve never been able to regain any of that.

If you had told 23 year old me that 40 year old me wouldn’t have any real friends, I’d have laughed at you. 

I agree with Mrs. Tiggywinkle. I used to think I could tell my friends anything, but as life progressed, I realized that there are only a few that I can *really* tell anything.  I wonder if those millennials will also have that revelation later in life.  I also thought I was being real with my friends when I was younger, but when I look back, I can see that the friendships were still a bit shallow, though I thought they were deeper. Of course, maybe that’s just me and I took longer to mature or something.

@Quill Years ago you floated the idea of offering a service where a person could just talk to you about anything they want to talk about and you’d just listen. You wouldn’t be a counselor or give advice, but you’d be a person that someone could talk at and feel heard and vent and get things off their chests. (Sort of like we all do when we come on here and vent.) I’ve sometimes thought of contacting you and see if you’d really offer that service for in-person talking/venting.

[Farrar]

2 minutes ago, Garga said:

I agree with Mrs. Tiggywinkle. I used to think I could tell my friends anything, but as life progressed, I realized that there are only a few that I can *really* tell anything.  I wonder if those millennials will also have that revelation later in life.  I also thought I was being real with my friends when I was younger, but when I look back, I can see that the friendships were still a bit shallow, though I thought they were deeper. Of course, maybe that’s just me and I took longer to mature or something.

Maybe? But keep in mind that millennials are starting to turn 40. They're younger than me, but not by a ton. Many of them have kids, are married, etc. My friends are in their 30's, so they're younger, but not "young." I'm not talking about Gen Z kids here. 

I actually struggled with friendships post-college. My 20's were a bit of a friendship dead time for me until I had kids. I mean, I had friends - work friends, some other friends, but I don't have a single friendship from that era that's in my "inner sanctum" now. It's just a couple of my old high school friends and my newer (though towards two decades at this point, so "newer" is relative) mom friends who I consider most trusted.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Carrie12345 said:

Do you REALLY think that though?
If your neighbor’s house were on fire at 2am, wouldn’t you let them in?
If your neighbor got hurt at midnight and no other adult was home to care for their kids, wouldn’t you? 
If a neighbor’s car wouldn’t start at 6am, would you give their kid a lift to the bus stop? (Or school, for people who don’t live 2 miles from bus stops, lol.)
And even more hypotheticals for people you deeply care about? 

If you would do that for others, isn’t okay for you to do it, too?

Now, calling people at ridiculous hours just to vent or whatever is an entirely different thing.  I don’t even call my closest people during regular hours for that, lol. 

Of course I would do any of those things to lend a hand but living where I do, I wouldn’t be the first person someone could reach most likely. Now - I did pick up our “neighbor’s” kids once on the way to school because the bus no-showed, the kids were waiting at the end of the driveway and I know both parents are gone. I was already driving my son, saw them standing there, and gave them a lift. So - sure. But that’s not the kind of scenario I had in mind in my original post. I was thinking something like, “My husband is having a heart attack” or “My kid got arrested.” Like that. A crisis that needs to be handled immediately. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

This is tricky because I don’t feel that I confide in any one person about everything? 
DH I can confide in about most things but some things are a trigger for him or I know he won’t respond to well so no. 

Oldest DD almost anything 

Younger dd only certain things

I have 2 friends that I’d confide in about almost anything and another most things. 

years ago my mom but not anymore, she’s become pretty self centered and competitive with age

[Guest]

15 minutes ago, Garga said:

Years ago you floated the idea of offering a service where a person could just talk to you about anything they want to talk about and you’d just listen.

I still think that is an idea with a market. I think a lot of people are profoundly lonely. I think it is worse for people in community positions like Pastors, Doctor, Lawyers…everyone knows who they are and it would be very risky to admit to certain struggles or uncharitable thoughts or whatever. However, I also think there could be liabilities there that are frightening if you don’t have a counseling or medical license. I couldn’t ever figure out how a Listener handles it if the local police chief confessed he sometimes thinks he might just shoot his entire staff one day. Or whatever. 

[Grace Hopper]

I think I am gun shy from having learned the hard way that not everyone is able to maintain the type of trustworthiness that an inner sanctum level friendship requires. I’ve shared a few things that I later learned were then shared with a third party. Also, I’ve shared deep personal things with a person who I came to realize was not really able to maintain that level of relationship due to other issues of family/friend circle dynamics (ie, my expectations of privacy were too high - hard to explain this but it was not something I felt betrayed by, but rather a person that I knew was not capable of holding trust - no “blame” anywhere - mostly bad judgment on my part). 
 

I also find it difficult to have that level of relationship with a person who is otherwise involved with my family life. Does that make sense? Because if I need to talk through something I’m experiencing with my dh or dc, I don’t want to say anything that would cause that person to look at my dh or dc in a biased way, kwim? Or to require that person to “take a side” (which they would maybe do mentally, not because I would ask it of them). I suppose that means what I actually need is a therapist. 😆

I think these types of relationship are forged in proximity, so also difficult to maintain if one moves about frequently (by geography or change of school or church or job).

[YaelAldrich]

5 minutes ago, Quill said:

I still think that is an idea with a market. I think a lot of people are profoundly lonely. I think it is worse for people in community positions like Pastors, Doctor, Lawyers…everyone knows who they are and it would be very risky to admit to certain struggles or uncharitable thoughts or whatever. However, I also think there could be liabilities there that are frightening if you don’t have a counseling or medical license. I couldn’t ever figure out how a Listener handles it if the local police chief confessed he sometimes thinks he might just shoot his entire staff one day. Or whatever. 

Isn't that just a therapist minus the helpful stuff?  I feel like I'm that person for a lot of people in my social circles. I don't mind. But I don't how much "stuff" I would want to take in before the emotional energy wore on me negatively. 

[Garga]

53 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Maybe? But keep in mind that millennials are starting to turn 40. They're younger than me, but not by a ton. Many of them have kids, are married, etc. My friends are in their 30's, so they're younger, but not "young." I'm not talking about Gen Z kids here. 

I actually struggled with friendships post-college. My 20's were a bit of a friendship dead time for me until I had kids. I mean, I had friends - work friends, some other friends, but I don't have a single friendship from that era that's in my "inner sanctum" now. It's just a couple of my old high school friends and my newer (though towards two decades at this point, so "newer" is relative) mom friends who I consider most trusted.

Right—that’s why I wondered if it was my own personal slowness to mature or if it was more universal and had to do with aging, because it wasn’t until I was in my 40s that I realized all of what I wrote (I’m 49 now). It was after 40 that I purposely pursued 2 women’s friendships because they were able to handle my most raw and real thoughts/feelings. The other friends would have sort of handled it on the surface, but deep down they wouldn’t be able to handle the real me and I think they would have felt out of their depth talking about it too much.  

My mom-friends are the ones that I thought I had the deep friendships with, but now realize aren’t as deep as I thought, though they’re still awesome women and I enjoy my time with them. There’s just that last step to the inner sanctum that I can’t quite take with them. They’re still sanctum, but are outer sanctum.

So, I wonder if a lot of people feel that way once they’re in their 40s? Or maybe I was just slow to mature, and everyone else sorts this out much earlier than I did. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Garga

[Arcadia]

43 minutes ago, Garga said:

 

So, I wonder if a lot of people feel that way once they’re in their 40s? Or maybe I was just slow to mature, and everyone else sorts this out much earlier than I did. 

I think it is also what life throws at you. My kids have a much more sheltered childhood than my husband who is more sheltered than me. So our level of “street smart” as teens are all different. For example, in 2nd grade, a jealous classmate took my stuff (water bottle, nice stationary) because her mom won’t buy them for her. We had a fight during recess. In that same year, a classmate died of a medical condition that made her look extremely malnourished. My elementary school was Catholic and we gave food and money donations to her family and saw her becoming skin and bones through the months until she couldn’t come to school anymore. Another elementary school classmate has leukemia so we learned to watch out for her. Yet another  classmate (preK to 6th) has a dad who is a DV abuser and her mom was hospitalized a few times but refused to press charges. Her dad was jailed for fraud when we were in elementary school. I also lived in a drug gangs area so used to seeing the SWAT team. My husband started experiencing not so great stuff in middle school from classmates but he didn’t experience the gang fights stuff. 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Arcadia
Typo

[Teaching3bears]

10 hours ago, Melissa in Australia said:

DH

I don't really do friends at all really 

Melissa,

Just wanted to let you know that you put out a really positive energy online and you have seemed like someone I would feel very comfortable to have as a friend IRL (if I ever had the opportunity to travel all the way to the beautiful land of Australia)

[Guest]

55 minutes ago, YaelAldrich said:

Isn't that just a therapist minus the helpful stuff?  I feel like I'm that person for a lot of people in my social circles. I don't mind. But I don't how much "stuff" I would want to take in before the emotional energy wore on me negatively. 

That’s the idea. I maintain there are lots of people who just need someone to listen to them non-judg mentally. You wouldn’t sign up for perpetual sessions; you would just hire the Listener like you do a hair stylist. 
 

My idea for this was before there were apps like Better Help. 

[Grace Hopper]

9 hours ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

Same. Even though I trust DH, there’s so much anymore that we disagree on that it’s not worth discussing.  

 

8 hours ago, Quill said:

I’m not one that said this, but it is true for me. For me, we can’t typically talk about politics and current events at this time because we believe different things and it is not worth the fight. I generally don’t discuss my psychological state with him because he is a “fixer” and it just makes me feel more alone than I did before I told him. 
 

 

I would have said dh up til the last ten years, especially the last 3-4. He is a great husband and father, but we have come to hold different opinions on politics, finances, women's rights, church issues, racial justice, 2A, health care…. and very defensive when I attempt to discuss issues of this nature. He has friends and family that will back him up so that he doesn’t really need to “compromise” his stances because he easily finds support. It’s easier to simply not discuss a lot of the thoughts that occupy my mental space and just keep the fridge stocked. 

3 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

re distinction between "folks you call for urgent help" vs "folks you confide in":

Yeah, we have an extended network in cities across America of folks we'd call in a crisis, but a whole branch of the family is chock-full of they-can't-even-help-themselves hopeless gossips.  Rock solid in a crisis, but gossip *is their fuel,* bless their hearts, I know FOR A FACT they would not keep a confidence.

That’s all my in-laws. I don’t believe there’s malicious intent in sharing info, but not one of them could keep a secret if their life depended on it. 

[Carrie12345]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Of course I would do any of those things to lend a hand but living where I do, I wouldn’t be the first person someone could reach most likely. Now - I did pick up our “neighbor’s” kids once on the way to school because the bus no-showed, the kids were waiting at the end of the driveway and I know both parents are gone. I was already driving my son, saw them standing there, and gave them a lift. So - sure. But that’s not the kind of scenario I had in mind in my original post. I was thinking something like, “My husband is having a heart attack” or “My kid got arrested.” Like that. A crisis that needs to be handled immediately. 

Distance is, of course, a real but different factor. My family is a 12 hour drive away, so that’s out. 
I’d have to call SOMEONE for such an emergency though, and they don’t need to know my inner most thought to fit the bill. It sounded like you thought that was weird. 

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Carrie12345 said:

Distance is, of course, a real but different factor. My family is a 12 hour drive away, so that’s out. 
I’d have to call SOMEONE for such an emergency though, and they don’t need to know my inner most thought to fit the bill. It sounded like you thought that was weird. 

No, not at all. It just didn’t fit with what I was picturing and my reality. Of course, when I had little kids, there was more potential for such issues because I couldn’t leave my littles at home alone. In that case, I would have called the nearest SIL, even if that SIL is a blabbermouth and I don’t even like her. I haven’t had such a situation in a long time though. 

[Ottakee]

I have lots of friends and various types.   I have some close friends that I can discuss most things with.  I have one friend that has a similar background to me so we can discuss things that I can’t with others but she is not a Christian so I can’t talk about deep faith challenges with her.    Then I have other friends that are Christians and we can wrestle with spiritual matters but while they care greatly, they just can’t understand some of my past experiences (esp related to ex husband).

 

then there are friends that showed up when my basement flooded…some close friends, some more casual, some coworkers, and even an entire church group from a church I didn’t attend.   Sometimes my go to people for help are not my go to people for deep discusssions and confidential conversations 

Edited June 15, 2022 by Ottakee

[Melissa in Australia]

1 hour ago, Teaching3bears said:

Melissa,

Just wanted to let you know that you put out a really positive energy online and you have seemed like someone I would feel very comfortable to have as a friend IRL (if I ever had the opportunity to travel all the way to the beautiful land of Australia)

Thank you. That is the nicest thing someone has said to me for a while. 

I cried 

Thank you

[Indigo Blue]

46 minutes ago, Melissa in Australia said:

Thank you. That is the nicest thing someone has said to me for a while. 

I cried 

Thank you

I feel the same about a few here, but I’ve never been brave enough to say it. 🙂

[Kassia]

22 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I feel the same about a few here, but I’ve never been brave enough to say it. 🙂

We have some very special people here in this forum.  I feel so fortunate to be a small part of this community.  ❤️

[HS Mom in NC]

Introvert, Gen X-49 years old, INTJ personality (known for disliking the idea of being known at a very deep level)

1 person-anything, a few times a year
2 people-almost anything, about once a year

My husband left Christianity about 17 years ago, so that's an aspect of my life I don't discuss with him in a deep way, not because he's hostile, but because it's not something that resonates with him.

Edited June 16, 2022 by HS Mom in NC