Part 2, fighting my son’s battles

[Ginevra]

If you remember my upset story from last week where douchebaggy parents cut my son off from seeing their dd: 

I have contact information for them; side benefit from working in a law firm. I am thinking about sending the parents a letter. In it, I would acknowledge that my son will not pursue the daughter and will, eventually, accept it. But I want them to know how hurtful they were to my son and how un Christlike I ironically find their behavior to be. 
 

It may be that the catharsis of writing the letter will be enough that I don’t send it, but there is a part of me that does want to send the letter. I suppose it’s that part we all have where we don’t want people to just get away with their cruel behavior without anyone calling it out. But I do think there is really no long-term goal beyond just letting them know that they hurt my kid and I’m pissed about it. 
 

So: I’ll post a poll. Send the letter or just write the letter for catharsis and don’t send it? Hive vote will be considered. 

[lmrich]

I frequently find writing everything down is helpful for me. Do you keep a journal?  Do you know if this technique is helpful for you? Or will it reignite hurts? Be careful with yourself to not linger on bitterness it tends to grow.

Sending you loving thoughts that lead to healing.

 

[HomeAgain]

I wouldn't send it.  I have little faith that they would be receptive to your perception and it would just encourage them in their belief that they did the right thing.

They do not sound like people who are considerate of others, and therefore would have no use for the reminder.

[mommyoffive]

I didn't see the first post. 

I would write the letter and keep it for a bit and see how you feel in a week or so.  For me writing a letter doesn't do anything about how I feel.  Does it work for you?  

I am sorry your son is hurting.  

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, lmrich said:

I frequently find writing everything down is helpful for me. Do you keep a journal?  Do you know if this technique is helpful for you? Or will it reignite hurts? Be careful with yourself to not linger on bitterness it tends to grow.

Sending you loving thoughts that lead to healing.

 

I do often journal in order to work through a hurt without damaging people in the process. So it would likely be helpful to write it but not send it. Sometimes I write stuff down in a journal, leave it for a few weeks, then shred those pages when I’m done feeling hurt about the thing. 

[happi duck]

It was just a couple weeks, correct?  If not ignore me!

Imo, your son lucked out.  If he had ended up with this girl he would've ended up with her family too.  So much better he found out what they were like so quickly.

Perhaps your ds might also realize that falling for someone so hard and fast might not be best for him.

I vote no letter.

[Danae]

No, you should not violate professional ethics by using contact information you have by virtue of working in a law office to chastise people who won’t let their daughter date your son.  No.

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, happi duck said:

It was just a couple weeks, correct?  If not ignore me!

Imo, your son lucked out.  If he had ended up with this girl he would've ended up with her family too.  So much better he found out what they were like so quickly.

Perhaps your ds might also realize that falling for someone so hard and fast might not be best for him.

I vote no letter.

Yeah, I feel that way too; that he’s lucky he knows already. 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Danae said:

No, you should not violate professional ethics by using contact information you have by virtue of working in a law office to chastise people who won’t let their daughter date your son.  No.

Well…that is a good point. 

[wintermom]

To what end? You actually can't promise any kind of behaviour on behalf of someone else (neither can the parents of the girl). I believe it was mentioned that both youth are 17, and basically adults. Stay out of it and simply do what is your "job" as a mom - supporting your kid in navigating through relationships when they ask for help. 

Edited April 4, 2022 by wintermom

[kristin0713]

This is one area where I think my mom had a huge parenting win. She did.not.get.involved. with our friend/relationship issues. She gave us advice, but did not intervene with other people. In the long run, we (siblings and I) were better prepared to navigate relationships and deal with people and I think there was less drama overall because she stayed out of it. I have really, really tried to do the same with my kids. There has been a time or two when I called a friend to discuss something that I absolutely *knew* she would want to know so we could address it with the kids together. Other than that, no. I think you should support your son and stay out of it. 

[Catwoman]

21 minutes ago, happi duck said:

It was just a couple weeks, correct?  If not ignore me!

Imo, your son lucked out.  If he had ended up with this girl he would've ended up with her family too.  So much better he found out what they were like so quickly.

Perhaps your ds might also realize that falling for someone so hard and fast might not be best for him.

I vote no letter.

I absolutely agree with this, but I did want to add one thing. If I was the girl’s mom and I got a letter like that from you, it would do nothing more than reinforce my conviction that I was right about having my daughter break up with your son. It definitely wouldn’t have the effect you’re hoping it will.

I know your heart is in the right place and you just want to defend your son, but I just don’t see any way that this could turn out making things anything but worse than they already are.

Was your son able to find out if the girl quit her job?

[Junie]

I think you should journal about it if you want to, and then let it go.

[Kassia]

1 minute ago, Junie said:

I think you should journal about it if you want to, and then let it go.

That's how I feel too.  I would do it for yourself if it will help your feelings but I wouldn't send it.  I don't think any good would come of that.  I am sorry this is causing you so much distress.  

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I absolutely agree with this, but I did want to add one thing. If I was the girl’s mom and I got a letter like that from you, it would do nothing more than reinforce my conviction that I was right about having my daughter break up with your son. It definitely wouldn’t have the effect you’re hoping it will.

I know your heart is in the right place and you just want to defend your son, but I just don’t see any way that this could turn out making things anything but worse than they already are.

Was your son able to find out if the girl quit her job?

He wasn’t able to find out definitively, but I don’t think she has any shifts on this week, so it seems likely. 

[Catwoman]

Just now, Quill said:

He wasn’t able to find out definitively, but I don’t think she has any shifts on this week, so it seems likely. 

I’m sorry her parents made her quit her job, but in the long run, this may be the best thing for your son, because if he’s not going to be allowed to date her, maybe it’s best that she’s not around so he gets her off of his mind more quickly.

[Indigo Blue]

We once had dinner with a deeply religious/academically competitive family when I first began homeschooling.  I was so nervous then about it. I was so glad to have found a homeschooling family to connect with, and I was SO naive then. We had a nice time (she was also an ex-coworker from way back). I helped clean up the dishes. Our boys got along great. They were the extremely academically competitive types but seemed nice. 
 

I wanted to reciprocate and have them over two weeks later. She completely ghosted me. Would not talk on the phone…nothing. Her Dh knew my dh and they were on friendly terms. It didn’t matter. For some unknown reason, she completely ghosted us. 
 

Questions began going through my head. What did she think was wrong with us? Did my sons say something “wrong” that their sons later told their parents? Did Dh or I? Was it because my older son was not homeschooled? Was it because my sons were also very academic and she felt threatened? (One of her sons was in the national spelling bee and did VERY well). Did we do something? I racked my brain. We were polite the entire time. My boys were well behaved. They had fun. 
 

My confusion later turned to a bit of anger. Who was she to treat us like that? Well, if she doesn’t want our friendship, that’s ok. I’m glad to know how this now,  so I didn’t  make the mistake of further interactions with her. And….there was some strange things. One son’s bedroom was literally a shrine to himself, with every newspaper article, award, and achievement covering every square inch of his bedroom walls. The parents were very eager to show off their son’s talents. We listened to talented piano and other instruments for a very long time. One son beat my ds in chess. I could feel the competiveness thick in the air during the game. 
 

I began to see all this and thought, I’ll overlook it. Everyone has their hang ups. They are still perfectly nice people. 
 

But she refused to even communicate with me after that night. I will never know if it was something we did (although I genuinely can’t imagine what) or just their own eccentricities. 
 

The point is you will never understand this. You’re better off not trying, cut your losses, and realize now, in hindsight, it’s better for you and your family. I know your ds was hurt. I would be angry for mine, too. But some (not all) religious people let religion or whatever else it could be get in the way of having a…how should I say this….healthy? normal? life. 
 

I was really hesitant to post this as it sounds gossipy and unkind. But, I tell you, I’ve been exposed to many people who let religion cause extreme judgmentalism. And religion (or competiveness) may possibly have nothing to do with your situation or mine. But I bet you it does. It’s my gut feeling. 
 

Your son can learn from this and maybe it will help him be more discerning when he dates another person, whether they come from a religious family or not. 
 

Eat chocolate and move on. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

Absolutely not.

These girl’s parents believe they are protecting her.  It’s so hard to comprehend unless you’ve spent some time in this world, but they will not see your letter as anything but confirmation that they did the right thing. They don’t want their daughter involved with someone who isn’t of their religion and lifestyle, and if she’s under 18, that’s their legal right.  I guarantee that they aren’t doing this to be cruel to your son, but that they absolutely believe it is in the best interests of their daughter to not date or be around him.

I understand that it feels like a judgement on your well behaved, well brought up son, but I think if you can view this as a cultural difference, maybe that will help. If she was from a culture/country that used a matchmaker or arranged marriages, and the parents of an underage girl didn’t want her around someone from a different culture that uses casual dating to find a marriage partner, we might feel that this is less cruel.  I don’t think it’s truly a judgement on your son or your parenting as much as these people are from a different religion and culture than you are. There are definitely people for whom even minor cuss words are a deal breaker(it would have been for my parents when I was a teenager), and maybe they are to this girl and her family.

This was just a very short few week relationship.  There is nothing beneficial about you getting involved, and anything you do will just further convince the parents that they made the right decision.

Edited April 4, 2022 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[Goldcrest]

You are coming across as a bully in this situation. You feel you are owed something from them. You aren't. You trash them all over a public forum, abuse your professional privileges to stalk them, and you think you are in the right? If there is a douchebag in this situation, I don't think it's the girl's parents. 

The only right you have in this is to feel bad for your son and comfort him. You aren't a Christian as you have said before. You don't belong to their church or social group.  It isn't your role to correct or chastise them in any fashion for a parenting decision. They are adults. So are you. Act like one. 

"Water your own grass" and quit interfering and trying to control other people. It's a horrendous look. 

[mom2samlibby]

You had deleted the other post before I got to read it, but this seems like bordering on crazy town obsession. Let this go. 

Break ups and rejection happens. Teach your son how to deal with it and process is feeling and move on. He will find his person eventually. This girl is not it. 

Edited April 4, 2022 by mom2samlibby

[thewellerman]

Why did this hurt you so much?  It seems there was something about this that really hit a trigger?  I don't think that a letter is going to fix that, or even help you feel better.  This seems like an unusually strong reaction and it would be more helpful to try to explore why you find this so upsetting.  

As for the girl, or her parents? The letter will fall on deaf ears and maybe even make the situation worse.  

[prairiewindmomma]

I’ve been wondering about religious trauma in this situation for you—if the controlling narrowmindedness of the parents hit a wound within you. 
 

I do agree with the others that this seems like a disproportionate emotional response.

 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I’ve been wondering about religious trauma in this situation for you—if the controlling narrowmindedness of the parents hit a wound within you. 
 

I do agree with the others that this seems like a disproportionate emotional response.

 

For sure. I grew up with it. 
 

Ok. Point taken. I guess I’ll stop now. 

[Guest]

Ok, @Holmesschooler. Don’t soften your response on my account. 
 

I hate abusive “Christians”. That’s why this torqued me so much. 

I won’t be responding to you any further. 

[prairiewindmomma]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

For sure. I grew up with it. 
 

Sending all of the love, Quill… ❤️❤️❤️

[Indigo Blue]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

For sure. I grew up with it. 

Yes. So many experiences. Not from childhood, as we didn’t attend church, but from since I met Dh going forward. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

5 minutes ago, Quill said:

For sure. I grew up with it. 
 

Ok. Point taken. I guess I’ll stop now. 

I grew up with it too and have been hurt by it.  I honestly think I’d be reacting the same way.  But I still think you’re better off letting go and moving on. All the love, @Quill. 

[mmasc]

Don’t send it. Write it in a journal if it’ll make you feel better. My ds would absolutely, positively be horrified if I sent a letter like that, and I’m assuming yours would be too. (((Hugs))). This sucks. But I’d do my best to move on so that their crappy behavior doesn’t keep affecting *you*. 

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, mmasc said:

But I’d do my best to move on so that their crappy behavior doesn’t keep affecting *you*. 

Yes. See what it’s doing to you? Don’t let it. (Boy, if I could only take my own advice. I almost feel hypocritical telling you this 🙄).

[catz]

I was wondering why this hit a nerve too?  This is so normal in this age range.  As someone who dated plenty and married later than most here, I actually appreciate those early relationships for teaching me what to avoid and what I didn't want.  It was only a few weeks, he seriously hit the jackpot by getting the true colors so fast.

Honestly, I'd assume this girl was doing stuff far beyond what you know about. Especially since they made her resign her job.  Imagine her climbing out her bedroom window in a bikini at midnight with a bottle of whiskey and forget about it.

In @Indigo Blue situation, that is 100% on her.  I do think some highly competitive people can have other anxieties at play.  I am quite sure you did nothing other than trigger some jealousy, anxiety, competitive nature that the mom couldn't deal with.  I had this kid reading harry potter at 6 and who could have passed for a 4 year old.  He also started piano at 5 and teachers adored him and threw the P word around (prodigy - I hate that word personally).  Part of the reason we started homeschooling is I'm NOT competitive.  My kids are not competitive.  I can't deal with that vibe all the time.  I saw so much crazy with other parents in relation to my first born before he hit the tween years.  And I used to joke, sure he can play sonatas but can he tie his shoes?  He was such an asynchornous kid.  

Edited April 4, 2022 by catz

[MercyA]

Quill, I would be just as upset as you. But definitely don't send the letter. Write it only if you think it will help you. 

I'm sympathetic for your son, too. The fact that he's young and that it was a short relationship doesn't change how it feels.

Always yes to chocolate.

Huge hugs to you.

[SKL]

So I'm not clear on what exactly they did that was cruel and abusive.  I may have missed something.

What I recall is that the parents texted son saying something like "this isn't working out and it needs to end."  Then the parents blocked your son from texting them or their daughter back.

For many people, "least said soonest mended" applies, especially when there's nothing that could be said to make anyone feel better.

From what I recall reading, the folks did not specifically accuse your son of anything, call him names, lie about him, spread evil rumors to make others dislike him, or really say anything objectively cruel or rude.  Please correct me if I'm wrong.

Someday, it is likely someone is going to do something even worse to your son.  You can't send a letter to everyone whose words you don't like.

Also, I am not sure what you mean when you say your having their address is a perk of your job in a law office.  If you have access to information only through your job - especially a job that involves confidentiality - I strongly recommend that you do not use it for personal reasons.

Besides that, a letter is something people can show to others, while adding their own spin.  Honestly it is likely to be used to ridicule you to others.  I wouldn't do it, no way no how.

[wintermom]

13 minutes ago, SKL said:

Also, I am not sure what you mean when you say your having their address is a perk of your job in a law office.  If you have access to information only through your job - especially a job that involves confidentiality - I strongly recommend that you do not use it for personal reasons.

Definitely! If I had access to people's confidential health information, and used this outside of my specific work tasks, I could be fired and possibly worse. You need to maintain your professional code of conduct. This will be a good way to role-model behaviour for your ds, by the way. What you are doing is not great behaviour to role-model to anyone. 

Edited April 4, 2022 by wintermom

[Guest]

SKL, I think it is cruel to reject a person without giving them any information or route to understanding what the issue is. Like Indigo said upthread about the strange family who ghosted her. It causes the person - unless they are just brimming with confidence - to question their worth. Why am I not good enough? Am I so terrible I should never be around their daughter? That’s what I find cruel. It is worse, IMO, from just hearing, a gf say, “Oh, I like someone else now. Sorry, bye.” The parents coming down like a hammer really does bother me. But whatever. Clearly not everyone gets it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[wintermom]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

SKL, I think it is cruel to reject a person without giving them any information or route to understanding what the issue is. Like Indigo said upthread about the strange family who ghosted her. It causes the person - unless they are just brimming with confidence - to question their worth. Why am I not good enough? Am I so terrible I should never be around their daughter? That’s what I find cruel. It is worse, IMO, from just hearing, a gf say, “Oh, I like someone else now. Sorry, bye.” The parents coming down like a hammer really does bother me. But whatever. Clearly not everyone gets it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, we all 'get it,' and think your behaviour needs to fit the 'crime' (if there is one). 

[Lecka]

I think it could backfire on their daughter.

Controlling people don’t like to be called out and they could blame the daughter for it in all kinds of ways.

I think if there were not a daughter involved I would say it’s a free country and you are allowed to mail a letter.

But then I would also say — they are people who might react in some crazy way to escalate back with you, and I would say it’s not worth that risk.  But if it’s okay with your husband and your son I think it’s okay.  If these people decided to go after you that could involve going after your other family members, which could involve spreading gossip or whatever.  Which might or might not be something that would effect them.  
 

 

Edited April 4, 2022 by Lecka

[SKL]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

SKL, I think it is cruel to reject a person without giving them any information or route to understanding what the issue is. Like Indigo said upthread about the strange family who ghosted her. It causes the person - unless they are just brimming with confidence - to question their worth. Why am I not good enough? Am I so terrible I should never be around their daughter? That’s what I find cruel. It is worse, IMO, from just hearing, a gf say, “Oh, I like someone else now. Sorry, bye.” The parents coming down like a hammer really does bother me. But whatever. Clearly not everyone gets it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Why does anyone need to give a reason to not want to continue communicating with another person?

My ex / stalker was like that.  "Don't be a stranger."  It is extremely controlling and disrespectful IMO.  [Even scary in some situations.]

Interestingly, I seem to remember you posting some months ago about ghosting an old flame or old friend who had a crush on you.  I don't think anyone advised that it was cruel or you were "douchebaggy" for thinking that way.  How did you end up resolving that?  Would a letter about your being unchristian have helped in any way?

[Lecka]

I think I find the parents’ behavior as *potentially* way more concerning than other people.  I’m not saying it’s definitely concerning, but it definitely could be, and I think it’s worth considering negative consequences for other people, versus the chance that it would be taken in in any kind of meaningful way.  

[teachermom2834]

Quill- I get where you are coming from. I get the hurt and I get that you are stewing and these people are jerks and you would like to let them have it.

But if you write that letter they will think you are NUTS.  If they share that letter with anyone else that person will think you are nuts. 
 

I do not think you are nuts. I don’t think writing the letter makes you nuts. But I do think it makes you look nuts.

(And I realize that is derogatory language towards people with mental illness, isn’t it? I don’t want to derail Quill’s thread so please don’t do that to her. I’m just trying to make a point about what the parents will think when they open that letter and it is that Quill is way off her rocker). 
 

I’m sorry Quill. I think you should do whatever it is that will speed up your processing moving past this (chocolate, wine, writing and shredding) that doesn’t not involve your ds or this other family. It doesn’t help your ds to see you so upset other than just to console him. 
 

I get it. I’m sorry. 

[Guest]

Interestingly, I seem to remember you posting some months ago about ghosting an old flame or old friend who had a crush on you.  I don't think anyone advised that it was cruel or you were "douchebaggy" for thinking that way.  How did you end up resolving that?  Would a letter about your being unchristian have helped in any way?

 

Idid not ghost him; though several members here did think I *could* do that. I explained to him that, while it was initially fun to catch up, I was not going to continue chatting with him and that I have found it doesn’t lead anywhere good for my marriage. He said, with a touch of bitterness, “Ok. Have a nice life and a happy marriage.” And that was that. 
 

Still different; it’s not like DH saw the messages, said, “Don’t ever contact my wife again!” And blocked his contact. He wasn’t even a current friend; he was my boyfriend when I was very young. I have not seen him in thirty + years. 

[Storygirl]

I agree with writing the letter for yourself but not sending it.

DS17 had a relationship last fall that was unhealthy and ended for reasons that I won't detail. We had contact with the girl's parents, both in person (they live in our neighborhood) and via text. In this case, the parents were all on the same page, and the interactions were friendly.

What I want to say is that the interactions with the parents were helpful as we each helped our teen through something that was messier than what you have described. I think it helped me to be able to touch base with them a few times about what was happening. But the only way that it helped my son was that I could reinforce with him the decisions that had been made. No, the relationship would not continue, and yes, it was extremely painful. We are, in fact, still dealing with the pain six months later.

But the fact that parents were involved did not make things less painful for my son. He has to go through it, because it's his experience, as much as I want to relieve him of the emotional burden (which is horribly high, in his case).

You writing the letter will not help your son at all. It may make you feel better, but it won't change anything if you send it. So write it and don't send it.

I really do understand how a mother can hurt in situations like this. I get it.

[gardenmom5]

My mom and brother were in the position you are in.  His high school girlfriend's custodian forbade her from having any contact with him. I was dragged into it by our mother in an attempt to bypass the ban.  (I don't recommend that at all.)

I'm sorry you're hurt. Write it in a journal, write a letter - and burn it, but do not send it to them.   

To them - they are protecting their daughter. (I don't know what happened) Sending them a letter telling them how unchristian and hurtful they are, is only going to convince them they made the right call to keep their daughter away your family.

[Bootsie]

If writing helps you process things, I would write the letter but not send it.  I many not think the other parents made a wise parenting decision.  But, it is their decision to parent the way they choose.  They will not change that because of a letter you send.  If they are over-controlling and over-involved in who their daughter sees, then it is probably best that it is a relationship your son avoids; it is better to know that dynamic now than later.  This is really about their parenting and relationship with their daughter and her future and not about rejection or mistreatment of your son.  

[barnwife]

I can not fathom what positive outcome from a letter you hope to gain. Add in using info. from your job in an unethical way, and this really isn't a good look for you.

The reality is that your son was dumped. Now the GF might have been forced to do that, but the result is he was dumped. That's it. That happens to many, many people. Yes, it's hard to watch it happen to your kid. But your job is to support your kid, not interfere. You/your son aren't actually owed an explanation. "No" can be a complete sentence. "No, I don't want to see you anymore." Communicating that, and then choosing to avoid any further communication is acceptable. You don't have to like it, but you do need to find a way to positively deal with it. 

A letter is not that.

[catz]

I totally get it.  I both remember the sting of these kinds of situations acutely and my teen/young adult have both had situations where they were ghosted or people acted in unexpected ways.  It does lead to sadness and a grieving period for sure.  I have to say, my own 17 year old would not want me touching any situation like this involving her with a 10 food pole.   But I don't think there is a way to avoid people acting badly sometimes.  It happens.  Especially in teens and young adults where emotions can be high, maturity and self awareness may be low.  Add in a possibly unhealthy family situation, that is another dynamic.  

It is much more powerful to spend the time working on reframing this as a learning experience and that other people's dysfunction is not really about you.   It shouldn't be a surprise when dogmatic and controlling people act dogmatic and controlling.   I don't think that requires you to be brimming with confidence to be able to recognize that not everything is about you, if people are functioning generally in emotionally healthy ways.   When you get better at recognizing emotionally unhealthy behavoir it becomes easier to avoid as well.  

[gardenmom5]

40 minutes ago, Quill said:

SKL, I think it is cruel to reject a person without giving them any information or route to understanding what the issue is. Like Indigo said upthread about the strange family who ghosted her. It causes the person - unless they are just brimming with confidence - to question their worth. Why am I not good enough? Am I so terrible I should never be around their daughter? That’s what I find cruel. It is worse, IMO, from just hearing, a gf say, “Oh, I like someone else now. Sorry, bye.” The parents coming down like a hammer really does bother me. But whatever. Clearly not everyone gets it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

we "get it" more than you realize.

Demanding a reason why, isn't helping anyone.  They said it wasn't working.*  That's all they need to say.  Any more is just a wedge to begin an argument about different priorities and perceptions.  They are just as entitled to their priorities for their family as are you for your family.

Stewing about it just makes the hurt deeper, and doesn't help anyone, least of all your son.

I think you are taking this much too personally.  This isn't about you.

 

Just a reminder "that doesn't work for me" has been a frequent recommendation on this forum of what to say to someone so they don't have to come up with "an excuse" and another and another until the other person either wears them down or finally gives up and drops it.

[KeriJ]

I might be the odd man out. Other than the ethics of using their contact information,  I am all about clearing the air. I personally would wait until I was able to be calm. Then I would draft a letter and say everything I would like to say as kindly and graciously as possible.  Then I would set it aside for a while.  Come back later and trim it way down to just the points that are asking for some clarification, making sure to keep a gracious tone.

I may have had some negative results when trying to clear the air, but usually it ends up clearing up misunderstanding. I had a similar conversation recently and was thanked. I'm debating another one right now. But dh is with those of you who advises against these conversations. 

The key is gentleness and graciousness.  Anything else will shut down the conversation. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

There is no reason to clear the air with someone that she doesn't even have a friendship with.  These were people that she doesn't know - the parents of a girl that her son only dated for a SHORT time.  Let it go. 

[Indigo Blue]

If they really are as legalistic as Quill says, this would be MY reason to let it go. There is a certain demographic of people who will tentatively let you in their life, and slam the religious hammer down as soon as they see one little thing you have done that doesn’t measure up. Live and learn. This is toxicity IMO. 

I no longer have patience for this. I’m a fifty something who knows better than to think I’m worshipping Buddha just because I’m doing yoga poses, who is devil worshipping just because I decorate with plastic pumpkins, or who is going to hell just because I say crap or d@mn.

It’s silly to bend to this. I once did when I was much younger, because I wanted someone I really liked to like me. No. Many red flags later, I backed off slowly. 

I have harmless plastic pumpkins. If you want to be my friend, you will have to accept that, or at least have an open conversation so you can see that I have a good heart and would be that one person who had your back. You don’t learn anything about a person if you can’t look any further than the plastic pumpkins on their step. If that’s as far as you’re willing to go, then we don’t have what it takes to build a good friendship. 

[Spryte]

I would not send a letter, either, but the whole situation would leave me rankled and frustrated and probably hurt. If writing about it helps you process it all — grab your journal and go for it. 

I’m so sorry, Quill, that your son is experiencing this hurt. It stinks.