The Unequipped Young Adult - Homeschool Version GOOD UPDATE pg. 3

[TravelingChris]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

I promise you it’s not ego. I’ve really wondered that and thought maybe it was but I don’t think so. Because I am not opposed to a blue collar trade. My dad was a welder. And my mama worked in a grocery store. They farmed and they did *very* well. I over think pretty much everything. Why? Because his education was really MY responsibility. I made a sort of a promise when I decided he wouldn’t go to school and I’d take on the responsibility. I promised, in essence, that I’d prepare him at least as well as they system I purposefully kept him out of. Could the school have done better? I don’t know…. But I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt here. When he’d hit a wall, we’d overcome. Worried about vocabulary? Dozens of audiobooks. Not reading? Learn to tutor Barton. Not moving forward in math? New curriculum, additional practice on facts. Improvise. Overcome. The reason we chose homeschooling is so we can provide alternative ways of learning to best equip our kids. So I’m having a hard time saying, “Yes, I think his education is substandard and yes I think more headway could be made, but I’m exhausted, and he’s going to resent it, so no.”

 

It feels like a copout because we don’t have the energy to do more hard. I.  Just. Want. To. Cheerlead. And it feels like a whiny excuse. Insert guilty tears at any point in here.

 

 

 It sounds like you did a fantastic job.  Sometimes there are just things kids (or adults too) cannot get their heads around.  -

 

45 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I’m just thinking that passing a high school geography class doesn’t really matter, because it has absolutely nothing to do with learning how to be a welder. 

Granted, it’s nice to know, but I sure wouldn’t hold a kid back from graduating just because he couldn’t label countries on a map (or whatever.) 

Also, I don’t even think geography is a required course in a lot of high schools.

Oh completely,.  And as it is, if geography is a required class- I would look back and see how much of Planet Earth or Trains of the World or the various and sundry tv shows that  highlight something about geography and count that.  If he knows that you don't go off to hike in a desert without plenty of water and also knowing the upcoming weather, that is geography and one that all too many people neglect to learn-- and you can substitute other weather and geography related practical knowledge.  Lots of ways to handle geography without memorization.

[barnwife]

2 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

 but this is the first time I’ll send a kiddo out into the world feeling he is not ready and wondering if I could have done more…

Gently, not ready for what? He has a plan, a plan that seems like a good fit for him. A plan that leads to future employment that he enjoys is a great plan in my book. I'd sign that diploma with no qualms.

Also, I am terrible at geography and visual-spatial skills. Like, really, really bad. But, I google geography things as needed. And, thankfully, DH and at least one of our kids are amazing at visual-spatial things. So they serve as a resource for me there. I bet your DS will find resources to help with things he needs as he launches!

Signed,
a former public/private teacher

[Farrar]

I've only skimmed through all this, but I'm with the kid. Let it go. You did an amazing job and should be proud. He needs to get out there into the world. This is genuinely what community colleges and trade programs are for. He can meet the standards so he's ready. You're just not.

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

I’m just thinking that passing a high school geography class doesn’t really matter, because it has absolutely nothing to do with learning how to be a welder. 

Granted, it’s nice to know, but I sure wouldn’t hold a kid back from graduating just because he couldn’t label countries on a map (or whatever.) 

Also, I don’t even think geography is a required course in a lot of high schools.

Me, my ds14, and my dd16 just looked up a map to see ok exactly where is Ukraine in relationship to Turkey where my brother lives.

it literally took me 30 seconds to find it out. So…yeah I looked stupid in front of my kids but we all learned some thing and then continued our discussion on current events.

(That area of the world confuses me because I learned the geography when the USSR was a thing.)

Edited February 24, 2022 by fairfarmhand

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, fairfarmhand said:

Me, my ds14, and my dd16 just looked up a map to see ok exactly where is Ukraine in relationship to Turkey where my brother lives.

it literally took me 30 seconds to find it out. So…yeah I looked stupid in front of my kids but we all learned some thing and then continued our discussion on current events.

(That area of the world confuses me because I learned the geography when the USSR was a thing.)

It was so much easier for us — the USSR was huge and was only one thing to have to recognize on the globe!

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, Catwoman said:

It was so much easier for us — the USSR was huge and was only one thing to have to recognize on the globe!

YES!

USSR, China and India took up a huge percentage of Asia 

[Arcadia]

12 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

Me, my ds14, and my dd16 just looked up a map to see ok exactly where is Ukraine in relationship to Turkey where my brother lives.

it literally took me 30 seconds to find it out. So…yeah I looked stupid in front of my kids but we all learned some thing and then continued our discussion on current events.

(That area of the world confuses me because I learned the geography when the USSR was a thing.)

I was still in school when the Chernobyl disaster happened. Didn’t realize that that power plant is in Ukraine.

[fairfarmhand]

2 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I was still in school when the Chernobyl disaster happened. Didn’t realize that that power plant is in Ukraine.

Nor did I until today.

[Ivey]

I also have to agree with your friend and the other posters - he's ready. 

What stood out to me most from your first post was what's missing: his disability. A learning disability is a legitimate and permanent disability. He doesn't sound like an unequipped young adult to me, just a young adult with a disability. 

Another year studying geography and spelling doesn't guarantee that he'll learn more and I don't think anything he would learn would be worth the toll a year like that would take on you both. Poor working memory makes it so difficult to commit abstract connections to memory (like state you've never visited to it's location on a map or a word to its spelling) that learning geography and spelling beyond what he needs on a daily basis may not be realistic. He'll learn the geography he really needs to know over time. Technology can take care of the rest. My Ds24 is severely dyslexic and his spelling/texting has improved a lot since he graduated from high school from using voice-to-text and autocorrect. Making sure he knows how to use those tools effectively will likely be more worthwhile than any spelling curriculum.

Edited February 25, 2022 by Ivey

[Clarita]

Going to go back and read the posts. I agree with close friend. My mom thought I didn't amount to much either. A little different because I went to public school, so she wasn't intimately involved in my education. She always just felt I wasn't very studious and she felt I had huge gaps in my education and that public school was too easy on me. All of which was true.

Her first shock was when I was accepted to college for a "difficult" major. Second shock for her came when I graduated and in 4 years. (She said I didn't think you were going to stick with it and graduate. Apparently had a reprimanding speech prepared for when I would ultimately switch majors.)  I learned all of this when I was 30 and my boss at the time was talking to her about how proud he was of me and what an amazing engineer I was. She made a dismissive comment about "Oh well it's really thanks to you for giving her a chance..." She cried when my boss said "They don't give out patents as participation trophies, your daughter is smart and a hard worker. We are the ones grateful to have her." When he left she told me what she had thought this whole time of me.

All this to say I'm glad she kept her all feelings about how inadequate I was mostly to herself. Had she told me I think 1) it may have kept me from accomplishing what I did, and 2) been really hard on our relationship when someone finally told me what I could have been capable of. If the world says he is good enough for it he probably is. Honestly a lot of academic gaps can easily be filled in later. One of my big gaps is grammar, when I needed it for work and college, I got a book of all the rules and just refer to that as needed, or I have to ask for other people's help to edit.  It's not like after 20 suddenly you can't learn anything new. In my experience most things aren't even harder to learn when you get older.

[Clarita]

Maybe the transcript thing can be done differently (or maybe thought about differently) so you don't have to be signing off on "high-school level" English or whatever. In public school they usually will have several levels (3) of work for English or Math. You have your AP/Honors/extra, regular, and remedial, where students can pass any of those levels and graduate high-school. 

I do get the extra guilt because of the homeschooling. Reading the rest of this post you did a great job. He would probably have known less had he been a part of public school instead of educated by you.   

[Lecka]

I have seen in later posts there are concerns he is gullible…. That is hard.  
 

I think another semester or year of education is not going to make him less gullible.
 

The best relationship possible with adults who care for him, can only help him.  
 

I do think that is hard, but I do not believe it is a parenting or homeschool issue.  I hope he does not have to learn too hard of a lesson from the school of hard knocks.  

[katilac]

 

5 hours ago, Lori D. said:

1. Start with an apology

If he knows you've been thinking of not graduating him, I absolutely agree that an apology should be the first step. It is soul-crushing to be happy, excited, and proud about an achievement, only to have someone say something completely different would actually be more of an achievement. 

5 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

 If it wasn’t for the schoolwork, their relationship would be remarkably different. 😞 

There's your answer. 

5 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

 So part of me says, “One more year and you wouldn’t have failed him as a preparer,” the other part says, “You’ll make headway, not as much as you’d like to think you might, and you’ll deeply resent one another for the torture.”

You can't know that one more year would mean he gets to where you think he needs to be, so just let go of that idea. And, if he's 17 now, there's really no way you can force him to complete an extra year of high school. You can't even really force him to stay at home. Please don't underestimate how incredibly stressful all this 'catching up' is for him, or how bad it might make him feel about himself.

4 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I despise being the reason for his worst days. I just don’t know how I sign a transcript in good conscience?

Because he has documented learning disorders and, if he were in school, spelling and other skills would not count against him. They would accommodate. 

Also, he has been accepted to a post high school program. 

4 hours ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Isn't this what GED's are for? (I'm not American so I don't understand this entirely.) Though that shouldn't be necessary if his college doesn't require remedial classes from him? That means he is graduate-able with a clear conscience, doesn't it? 
Or can't you write him a vocational transcript? If my kid stays in school for the duration, it's a vocational school leaving certificate she'll get.

She can just graduate him with no worries. A GED has some drawbacks, particularly that 1) it's a test, and not as easy as many think, he would have to do a lot of study and preparation 2) a GED can actually be a hindrance to some jobs and training programs. 

For instance, some jobs require a high school diploma, and a GED or any such test is not accepted. There's a fair amount of shipyard work in my area, and their jobs and training programs generally have this requirement. 

A GED is also still often regarded as 'less than' compared to a diploma, so her son would probably feel slighted in that regard.

3 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

  and I feel like we’re about to pitch him into the deep, wish him luck on swimming, and hope he can dog paddle. He wants to jump, wants to swim. I’m just worried once he’s in the water…. Ugh. Can’t undo. 

<snip>

He is just not ready for life and I don’t know how to get there. He’s just SO the kid someone would take advantage of….

Are you kicking him out of the house once he has his high school diploma? Refusing to answer his questions? Planning to deny him your wisdom when he requests it? 

Graduating him has nothing to do with giving him ongoing support. 

As far as being naïve and not ready for life, how do you think one more year of homeschooling is going to change that? This sounds like more of a personality trait, as you have plenty of kids and don't think they're all gullible, lol. I get it. My young adults are too trusting, and they sometimes let people take advantage of them. I can't fix that. Experience will fix it, or nothing will. It's hard to watch, but they have to make their own mistakes. 

You get ready for life by living your life, and he's as ready as he's going to get. Quit torturing him and quit torturing yourself. If you're currently in breakneck catch-up mode, dial that back. He's working, he's out in the world, he's learning a lot. 

[TravelingChris]

3 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

Me, my ds14, and my dd16 just looked up a map to see ok exactly where is Ukraine in relationship to Turkey where my brother lives.

it literally took me 30 seconds to find it out. So…yeah I looked stupid in front of my kids but we all learned some thing and then continued our discussion on current events.

(That area of the world confuses me because I learned the geography when the USSR was a thing.)

I am good at geography but look at maps all the time.  I mean just because you know where a country is doesn't mean you know all you want to know. Like I was looking at maps o fUkraine too, even though I did know where it was , just to get  perspective and also because I did not know where the cities that were being mentioned were exactly.

[barnwife]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

It is soul-crushing to be happy, excited, and proud about an achievement, only to have someone say something completely different would actually be more of an achievement. 

 

This. I actually did something at the end of high school that most would consider quite an accomplishment. I was so, so proud of myself and excited. And yet...everyone around me basically downplayed it. 

Soul-crushing describes it well. I resent it to the day. I can still name the one (yes, 1) adult who did not do that. Many continued to do so even after I asked them to stop. 

I resent all of that to this day. 

How do you want him to remember this? 

IOW, relationship, relationship, relationship first, please.

[iamonlyone]

6 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

 

 He’s a good kid, he’s just always needed a lot of extra support… and I feel like we’re about to pitch him into the deep, wish him luck on swimming, and hope he can dog paddle. He wants to jump, wants to swim. I’m just worried once he’s in the water…. Ugh. Can’t undo.

But this kid has faced mountains academically. He’s worked his butt off. And I admit that I’m afraid the world is going to chew him up and spit him out. He’s so naive. He’s gullible.

But this kiddo? He is just not ready for life and I don’t know how to get there. He’s just SO the kid someone would take advantage of….

 

We also have a son (24yo) who deals with dyslexia, dyscalculia, memory and executive processing issues—as well as the sweet and gullible part. Have things been harder for him than for dd27 and dd22? Yes. But he is a successful store manager who takes online company courses and even writes and implements his own training materials for his staff! He is still not a good speller, but I agree with others that people (especially those with LDs, perhaps) learn better (and learn what they need) when they are motivated to learn because of a reason/interest.

His struggles have helped shape him into the person he is today. It is not the road I would have chosen for him (i.e., the struggles, including people taking advantage of him) but he continues to grow and thrive, and gain confidence, and he is loving his life.

Also, like you, we worked really hard on academics throughout his homeschool years. (I remember working on the memory word "the" when he was about 6 or 7 for at least a month. He would get it, but always forget by the next day.) He wanted to go to public high school and, although he liked the social aspect, I can tell you that our experience was that he learned more at home. They just couldn't tailor to his needs like I could, and the sheer amount of work was too much for a student with a slow processing speed. So, don't beat yourself up with wondering if pubic school would have helped him along further. It sounds like you have done an amazing job!

Edited February 25, 2022 by iamonlyone

[KeriJ]

For what it's worth,  no matter how much geography I learned in school, it did. not. stick. It always concerned my mother greatly.  I still struggle with it. What little I truly know has been from homeschooling my children.  

But I have a Master's degree in Piano Performance and taught college for 5 years. Never needed it once. 

 

Edited February 25, 2022 by KeriJ

[Emba]

My DD has no learning disabilities. We’ve had her tested. she is on the lower end of the normal range of IQ and has low working memory and some odd gaps in spatial thinking. She has some difficulties with remembering the right word for things that drive me, a writer who believes in finding the best word for each sentence, nuts. I put her in public school for high school because homeschool was damaging our relationship. I thought she might need to redo 8th grade since what what I’d been teaching her was below what I felt was appropriate for her grade level.

 They tested her and put her in 9th grade. I won’t lie, 9th grade was rough, as she adjusted to public school. And sometimes she made the excuse, to herself and teachers, that it was because “she hadn’t had this stuff in homeschool”. But it wasn’t that. She had some of it, but hadn’t retained  it, or it was under the name of “life science” instead of “biology”. But it’s hard to do well at any class when you don’t turn the work in and get zeros.

 This year she’s finally got it through her head that turning the work in matters, and she is getting grades that reflect that. And here’s the thing: in a few years after she graduates, there is all the possibility in the world that she’ll end up on a quiz show saying Africa is a country, but it won’t be my fault or the fault of the public school. It won’t be her fault, either. No one Can retain everything they’re taught, and some people are just going to have more trouble retaining information that is non-essential to their everyday life. She’s one of those. It’s not a reflection on me.

Sometimes I really have opinions on the things the public school focuses on or doesn’t focus on, what they consider “good enough”. But I let it go, for the most part, because it i don’t, if I keep insisting she learn all these things that I feel should ideally be part of the mental equipment of a well-rounded adult, I’m going to drive her away.  And I know I did not graduate with all of the geographical knowledge I have now. Some of it was acquired gradually over years of exposure to the news and the world, and some of it was acquired deliberately through picking something in wanted to know more about. 

For our relationship, and to achieve her own goals, DD needed to go to public school. I handed over the responsibility for deciding what is “enough” in that regard to the school, and I have very deliberately not picked it up again, even when it is hard.  I feel like maybe that’s where you are. The CC says he’s got what he needs. Trust that. Trust that your DS has what it takes. It may take a little adjustment, but if he wants it, he’ll make it happen. Gaps happen, but as one long time homeschooler told me, she aimed for an education that would be like a hammock, able to support her kids despite the inevitable holes, because the vital parts were solid. It sounds like the vital parts of your DS’s education are solid.

Edited February 25, 2022 by Emba

[sassenach]

23 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

On the one hand, graduating him keeps him invested in a program he’s lit up about. He’s done part of the two year program. He could finish next year. He works hard with friends who do remodeling 1-3 morning a week usually then just a normal after school job at the grocery store. Does great at both. 
 

On the other? He has gained so much ground in the past year and a half that another year could be huge for him. On the other hand? It’s very risky for the relationship. He does the work assigned, hates every minute of it, they clash over procrastination. If it wasn’t for the schoolwork, their relationship would be remarkably different. 😞 

GRADUATE HIM! Do not hold him back over this. He's not done growing- just let him grow out from under your wing.

[KungFuPanda]

On 2/24/2022 at 2:53 PM, BlsdMama said:

Already evaluated - severe to profound dyslexia and extraordinarily low working memory with an IQ within normal range. Took years of work and remediation to get to basic reading. Kiddo now reads very smoothly. Mom ( the, um, “friend,” cough) is utterly satisfied with program and thinks this kid is an extraordinarily hard worker plus people just like the kid because he’d do anything for anybody. 
 

The real problem lies here: In the past 1.5 years, kiddo’s brain seems to have matured? His math has moved 3-4 grade levels. His reading has become smooth and fluent. Mom has viewed homeschooling as her responsibility to equip young adults for the future. Hard worker? ✅ Willing attitude? ✅ Decent human? ✅ Basic knowledge set expected of a graduating high school student? Um no. 
 

I think you need to put your pencil down. Your test is done. Your son AND the cc agree that he IS ready for this next phase of life. This means high school WAS a success and I’m willing to bet there are tons of high schools that would have graduated him.  He has realistic goals and a real plan to follow through. Why would you interfere with that? Your prep-school-at-home plan will only frustrate you both AND slow him down. Kids are allowed to progress in life, and even graduate high school, with a couple of weak school subjects. You’ve got to look at the big picture and blocking him with paperwork is not something he’ll forgive. It’s not even The Right Thing To Do. The luxury of homeschooling is not having to have cookie cutter standards for all of your kids.  It doesn’t make sense to torpedo his momentum so you can put the finishing touches on your project. 

[klmama]

Congrats on raising a fine son who has reasonable goals and a path to achieve them!  That's a huge accomplishment right there!  I'd graduate him and be done with it.  Everyone has gaps in their education, either from lack of exposure or difficulty absorbing the material.  Both of you have done the best you could; help him get going on the next thing.

[BlsdMama]

 

I apologize because I had to drop off the board for a bit and I left to visit DH in the hospital (major back surgery last Tuesday) then between the visit, errands, and finally getting him home this weekend- I was wiped out!  I need to clarify a few things though so that it's super clear and then maybe my quandary will be better understood and I can clarify why I'm SO exceedingly concerned.

He is not a senior.  He's a junior with almost sufficient credits if measured by hours per subject rather than completion of high school level material.

He doesn't have "gaps."  He has gaping holes that I'm uncertain will ever be filled - hence my deep, deep concern.

I'm not kidding when I say his abilities have jumped 2-3 levels in the past year.  Whether it is brain maturity, increased working memory, techniques we've been using, or mental growth, for whatever reason, I am seeing an **increased capacity to learn** that I have not witnessed in past years.  It's like the ground is thawing and we're ready to plant!!!  *Just exactly at the same time when I'm cutting him loose to do welding a year early.  So it's NOT a question of holding him back, but of keeping him for this final senior year.

However, his ability to do the work isn't matching his willingness to work.  He's the type of kid who learns to do one weld and is now a welder.  Or learns to change spark plugs and is sure he can do an engine overhaul - and does everything as fast as possible which results in carelessness.  He is doing well on the physical aspect of these welding classes but failing at the knowledge.  He just bombed the final overall test of blueprint reading.  He let that settle in for a day or two and said he's just not taking any more classes.  He's just going to go get a job as a welder.  SMH.  Because it's that easy.  

Each of us drew a line in the sand this week.  He told me he will NOT be enrolling in the program.  I told him I will NOT provide him with a transcript if he doesn't continue *some* sort of schooling until he's 18.  The kid is me at 17.  Remind me to call my mom again and thank her for not burying me in the back 40.

After much research AND providing him with current job openings AND showing him the annual salary at $13/hour and $22/hour, I think I have his buy-in into a plan.  The college has a fast track program.  He can work full time (which he wants because he wants to buy a truck) and do these classes.  They will finish in November - right before his 18th birthday.

So... quickly it turned from what should I do as his mother/teacher to equip him for life to - I no longer have his buy in so what's the bare minimum to give him a decent skill? And you know what the two markers are that changed? Attending classes with peers and a girl.  All of a sudden he wants to be grown up and have things and his family is holding him back.  SMH.  Yes, your poor siblings are so held back....  Your sister moved on campus at 17.  We definitely have trust & control issues.  SMH.  Where does he get this stuff?

 

 

 

 

On 2/24/2022 at 2:39 PM, Storygirl said:

I have a 17 year old who cannot master algebra and whose reading and writing are at a middle school level. But the public high school will grant him a diploma, after he completes the classes there that are required.

Do not feel guilty about issuing the diploma.

I homeschooled my kids but eventually enrolled them in school. Why? Homeschooling was damaging our relationships, and I needed a team of people to help me address the learning disabilities. It seems like the CC program will meet this same need for you and your son, and it sounds like an excellent solution. God has provided a path for this young man that is not the path that you would have preferred to devise for him, but isn't that so often the way? Consider it a blessing that your son has a passion and interest that will lead to good employment in a career that will support him well. That is not the case for many and is something that we struggle with when we think of our son's future. I would be thrilled if my son were a hard worker with a clear career path. I am thrilled that your son has this going for him.

You've done a good job with him. Really, you have. Now you can hand off some responsibility to the CC and make sure that they have his LD documentation and give him the support that he requires, and be his cheerleader. And you can still help him grow in maturity in other areas of life.

Thanks for this - this is a solid comparison - 

Edited and deleted quotes because I had multiquoted so many that I wanted to respond to directly.  I thank everyone for sharing thoughts and considerations.  I am just exhausted.  Truly.  I'm a little heartsick at the relationship dynamic and how he's viewing life right now and frustrated with my ability to help widen his perspective or help him see beyond his limited experience.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 2, 2022 by BlsdMama

[Catwoman]

I'm not sure what to suggest, Kelly, but I'm sending you lots of hugs!

[ktgrok]

On 2/24/2022 at 1:42 PM, BlsdMama said:

Because very basic things are not met - shockingly basic, like a basic understanding of geography, minimal spelling strong enough for autocorrect to hope to recognize the word...  These things have been taught, btw, just never retained.  

But, he knows a bunch of stuff you don't know, I bet, right? The stuff he knows isn't less important than what you know. 

On 2/24/2022 at 2:56 PM, BlsdMama said:

Do you think Canada is a continent? Do you know, generally speaking what area in the country states are? Could you generally say X Country is in X continent? Just very very basic things. All has been covered. None has soaked in … none. 

Meh, I'm bad at geography too...so far haven't accidentally fallen off the planet or anything. IT took me MANY years of adulthood to gradually learn geography...mostly as something came up in reading, or on the news, whatever. 

I seriously and literally grouped the states mostly alphabetically in my head until I was probably 30 years old. Like, Montana and Misourri went together, cause they start with M. (Maine I knew was upper right, but I still thought New York was the "top" state on the right until probably late 20s). 

He'll be okay. 

He will know all sorts of cool things in his trade field that others don't know, and they will know where Rhode Island is (best I could tell you is, again, "upper right"). If he needs to travel he'll look it up. We all have different gifts and strengths - that's why God put us into communities. WE can't all know where Rhode Island is, and no one know how to rewire a truck, you know? But TOGETHER we can know all the stuff we need. We just have to rely on each other (and Google...God bless Google!)

On 2/24/2022 at 3:08 PM, BlsdMama said:

Part of me feels relief over this, part of me wants to explain. 
 

At no time, ever, were the expectations the same for older kids or were there comparative expectations. Let’s drop the friends thing, lol, *I* knew early on what we were working against and we constantly tailored everything  to ability…. 

So much so, that if I’m transparent,  my fear has now become - what if I failed him because I did not expect enough of him? I’ll give you a for instance. For instance, I didn’t have him do a grammar program forever because Barton says to take it easy until Level 4 and we reported Level 3 and Level 4. This year I folded him into Fix It with the girls (who he gets along well with and they don’t view it as competitive.) He can label parts of speech, openers, punctuation, etc. It finally all clicked and while I C was happily surprised, it left me bewildered. Has I hindered him by lowering expectations?  Last year he told me, “I don’t want you to teach me math.” Enter Nicole the Math Lady and TT to teach concepts. He moved through two Saxon math books last year.

So now it’s time to decide to graduate him and I asked our homeschool program to let him walk in May and I’ll issue his transcript. But so much of what I’m signing off on is not high school level. So part of me says, “One more year and you wouldn’t have failed him as a preparer,” the other part says, “You’ll make headway, not as much as you’d like to think you might, and you’ll deeply resent one another for the torture.”

Man, I feel you. 

But remember, learning doesn't stop when they graduate! He will learn his whole life, in school or out. Like I said above, I learned WAY more geography as an adult than in school where I memorized it and forgot it. A lot of it I learn now from reading suspense and romance novels! I read on my phone, and when a place is mentioned I tap over to google and look it up quickly so I can see where that place is on a map, and look at the scenery and get a feel for it, then tap back into the book. Had you tried to force me to do that stuff? Never would happen. 

Your goal is not to produce the best mathemetician, or speller, or geography whiz. It is to produce a happy, responsible, GOOD person. You did that, it sounds like. Now CELEBRATE that!

Or mom, you risk losing him. Men that age are DONE with school at that age. DONE. You know this. Any good in another year of school will be offset by WAY more damage to his confidence and your relationship. He'll learn what he needs, when he needs it, and not before. Or he'll find people (and apps) that will fill in the gaps. And he will will those people's gaps as well. As God intended. 

[ktgrok]

Ok, just saw the bit about him not wanting to do the program either - that's a hard no. I'm with you. SOME sort of something is required. 

Hugs mama. I get it. Including blessing my parents for not burying me in the back yard. ( I managed to fail aerobic dance as a PE class in college cause I didn't bother to go to class - how did they not kill me???)

[Clarita]

Thanks for the update, no more advice. Just I'm so sorry he's so thick-headed about it.

[Lori D.]

@BlsdMama Thanks for the update, and so sorry it's gotten crazier.

You've done a wonderful job of discussing options and trying to help him envision the future. That college fast track option sounds great, and I hope he will see how that gets him many benefits and go for it.

Hugs, Lori D.

[easypeasy]

n/a

Edited March 3, 2022 by easypeasy

[Laura Corin]

21 hours ago, ktgrok said:

But, he knows a bunch of stuff you don't know, I bet, right? The stuff he knows isn't less important than what you know. 

Meh, I'm bad at geography too...so far haven't accidentally fallen off the planet or anything. IT took me MANY years of adulthood to gradually learn geography...mostly as something came up in reading, or on the news, whatever. 

I seriously and literally grouped the states mostly alphabetically in my head until I was probably 30 years old. Like, Montana and Misourri went together, cause they start with M. (Maine I knew was upper right, but I still thought New York was the "top" state on the right until probably late 20s). 

He'll be okay. 

He will know all sorts of cool things in his trade field that others don't know, and they will know where Rhode Island is (best I could tell you is, again, "upper right"). If he needs to travel he'll look it up. We all have different gifts and strengths - that's why God put us into communities. WE can't all know where Rhode Island is, and no one know how to rewire a truck, you know? But TOGETHER we can know all the stuff we need. We just have to rely on each other (and Google...God bless Google!)

Man, I feel you. 

But remember, learning doesn't stop when they graduate! He will learn his whole life, in school or out. Like I said above, I learned WAY more geography as an adult than in school where I memorized it and forgot it. 

Fwiw not every country does the list-style geography that I hear about in the US. My high school geography was human geography- an in-depth study of land reclamation in the Netherlands, and also agriculture and industry of the Rhine-Rhone basin. In addition we had physical geography which left me able to 'read' a landscape for the geology that created it.

Very little about naming continents, countries, oceans and capitals.

Edited March 3, 2022 by Laura Corin

[ktgrok]

5 hours ago, Laura Corin said:

Fwiw not every country does the list-style geography that I hear about in the US. My high school geography was human geography- an in-depth study of land reclamation in the Netherlands, and also agriculture and industry of the Rhine-Rhone basin. In addition we had physical geography which left me able to 'read' a landscape for the geology that created it.

Very little about naming continents, countries, oceans and capitals.

That stuff I'd have done much better with!

[Arcadia]

Hugs. 17 is a tough age where they are almost a legal adult but usually lack the maturity and hindsight. My DS17 can be really hard to deal with at times as well.

[Ellie]

On 2/24/2022 at 12:18 PM, BlsdMama said:

Kiddo IS making forward progress.  Close friend weighed in and said, "Let go & let the CC handle the rest.  Tests show education has been adequate.  Mom needs to let go of personal standard and expectation."  Kiddo is 17. 

Sounds good to me.

[BlsdMama]

On 3/2/2022 at 12:56 PM, BlsdMama said:

So... quickly it turned from what should I do as his mother/teacher to equip him for life to - I no longer have his buy in so what's the bare minimum to give him a decent skill? And you know what the two markers are that changed? Attending classes with peers and a girl.  

 

GOOD UPDATE!


So kiddo told us the end of last week and insisted through Tuesday he was D-O-N-E.  No more school, he just wanted to work.  And I was utterly at the end of me.  I have NO issues with blue collar jobs- my entire family (both sides)  - grandparents, 20 aunts and 20 uncles, both my parents didn't attend college with the exception of my paternal grandmother and one aunt.  That said, skilled trades aren't learned on the fly these days so we were insisting he learn a trade.  The caveat to the agreement of graduating early was that he would finish the 2 year welding program he is currently working on as a dual enrolled student.  

Turns out - he BOMBED a written test last week, thus cementing his definition of himself that he isn't good at schoolwork and can't do it.  Our daughter gets his grades texted because she has his old phone. Luckily, she said something.  We had a talk/argument and we let it be known earlier in the week: 1. I wouldn't consider him graduated unless he was in some program of his choice until 18 and 2. We doubted he could be hired to weld/cut/grind because of under 18 labor laws.  We discussed that he hadn't read the material and can't blame/expect the teacher to tell them everything.  He needed to be self responsible and apply that amazing work ethic to studying because HE was the ONLY person in this family who believed that he couldn't succeed at this.
Something must have clicked because he studied  - read the chapter took FOUR pages of notes (and he writes small!) He walked into class and took the test.  9 of 11 failed it.  HE got a B+!  This was HUGE!  He then studied hard Thursday night/Friday morning and got an A- on Friday's quiz. 


SO - there was more going on than we thought.  And, thank God, he saw the results of his efforts.  I cannot imagine how he would have felt if either of those had gone poorly.  He needed this - the very real fruit of his effort, to see ACADEMIC success was SO encouraging for him.

I still don't think I'll win him over to the longer program but this was a life win - so big for him personally to realize that he CAN do academic things and his efforts will pay off in this area of his life too.

Thanks all for the support and encouragement.  This kiddo and I have struggled for years simply because I have to coach him in all of his hardest areas and had to be the one to hold him accountable in those same things and no matter how positive and proactive a mama tries to be - you're still the Barton tutor and math teacher every single morning. 😕 I think it was worth persevering but knowing when to say when is hard.  I'm basking in his win and encouraging him to do the same!

Edited March 5, 2022 by BlsdMama

[NorthernBeth]

As someone with a teenage boy of mine who is struggling mightily,   that is SUCH a huge win!!!!  i am so glad for you.  There is nothing more motivating that success!

[bolt.]

You deserve that win! (Who taught him to read for information? Who taught him writing and note taking? When he needed to reach for academic skills, they were right there waiting for him!) Good for you!

Good for him too, of course! He did the work.

[elegantlion]

That is awesome! Congrats on the breakthrough for both of you. 

[Tanaqui]

That's such a great update!

[Catwoman]

I’m so happy for him — and for you, too!!!!

[Scarlett]

8 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

GOOD UPDATE!


So kiddo told us the end of last week and insisted through Tuesday he was D-O-N-E.  No more school, he just wanted to work.  And I was utterly at the end of me.  I have NO issues with blue collar jobs- my entire family (both sides)  - grandparents, 20 aunts and 20 uncles, both my parents didn't attend college with the exception of my paternal grandmother and one aunt.  That said, skilled trades aren't learned on the fly these days so we were insisting he learn a trade.  The caveat to the agreement of graduating early was that he would finish the 2 year welding program he is currently working on as a dual enrolled student.  

Turns out - he BOMBED a written test last week, thus cementing his definition of himself that he isn't good at schoolwork and can't do it.  Our daughter gets his grades texted because she has his old phone. Luckily, she said something.  We had a talk/argument and we let it be known earlier in the week: 1. I wouldn't consider him graduated unless he was in some program of his choice until 18 and 2. We doubted he could be hired to weld/cut/grind because of under 18 labor laws.  We discussed that he hadn't read the material and can't blame/expect the teacher to tell them everything.  He needed to be self responsible and apply that amazing work ethic to studying because HE was the ONLY person in this family who believed that he couldn't succeed at this.
Something must have clicked because he studied  - read the chapter took FOUR pages of notes (and he writes small!) He walked into class and took the test.  9 of 11 failed it.  HE got a B+!  This was HUGE!  He then studied hard Thursday night/Friday morning and got an A- on Friday's quiz. 


SO - there was more going on than we thought.  And, thank God, he saw the results of his efforts.  I cannot imagine how he would have felt if either of those had gone poorly.  He needed this - the very real fruit of his effort, to see ACADEMIC success was SO encouraging for him.

I still don't think I'll win him over to the longer program but this was a life win - so big for him personally to realize that he CAN do academic things and his efforts will pay off in this area of his life too.

Thanks all for the support and encouragement.  This kiddo and I have struggled for years simply because I have to coach him in all of his hardest areas and had to be the one to hold him accountable in those same things and no matter how positive and proactive a mama tries to be - you're still the Barton tutor and math teacher every single morning. 😕 I think it was worth persevering but knowing when to say when is hard.  I'm basking in his win and encouraging him to do the same!

That is an amazing update! Brought tears to my eyes.   Good for both of you. 

[TravelingChris]

15 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

 

What a wonderful update!

[Zinnia2]

Such a good update, Kelly!  Gives me hope.  🙂