The Unequipped Young Adult - Homeschool Version GOOD UPDATE pg. 3

[Catwoman]

3 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I could but I’m not sure of the potential benefit. The point of graduating is to let him finish the welding program. Dual enrollment in this particular program requires high school students attend 9-11:30 or 12:30-3:00. If he graduates, he gets to pick his classes, allowing him to work more with contractor friends remodeling. He loves both - remodeling and welding. The guys he works with are a family we respect and like so much. They really teach and he loves the physical exertion. He’s so much happier in the evening when he’s spent the morning with them. His perfect day would be work for them, grab supper, go to welding class, fall asleep exhausted, wake up and repeat. His most awful day?  Barton, English, write a paper…..

 

I despise being the reason for his worst days. I just don’t know how I sign a transcript in good conscience?

I don't know what you mean by "in good conscience." 

Your standards for high school graduation seem ridiculously high, particularly considering that he has already been accepted into the CC program he is interested in, and that will help him pursue the career he wants.

Seriously, I think you need to leave your own ego and standards out of this. Your son is on track for success here. Please don't blow it for him.

[Innisfree]

7 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

I just don’t know how I sign a transcript in good conscience?

If it's any comfort, public high schools do this all.the.time.

Your ds would qualify for an IEP if he were in ps. Accommodations are made.

Edited February 25, 2022 by Innisfree

[Catwoman]

I'm sorry if I am coming across as being very harsh here, but I feel sorry for your son. He sounds so happy with his life right now, and he has a good opportunity to live the life he wants to live.

Your son isn't off to Harvard; he probably doesn't even need to know most of the things you are so concerned about. If you were saying that he wasn't able to function in society because of his educational deficits, I would probably agree with you that he's not ready to graduate. But he's doing so well -- he has friends and co-workers, and he's doing well with the welding program -- so what is your goal here? What benefit would there be to your son if you hold him back? Because that's ultimately what matters here.

Also, if you keep stressing the importance of subjects he's not good at, you may damage his self-confidence and make him be afraid to try to learn new things. And seriously... geography??? Why would you even care about that? 

[kbutton]

There are kids just like him in vocational high schools, and the teachers working there will tell you that they just hope and pray they will put one foot in front of the other, come to class, pass, and have a shot at life. He's really fortunate that he's flown through a bunch of stuff in the recent past. That's way more than many, many students in the same boat who don't have as much going for them.

He will be okay.

38 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Already evaluated - severe to profound dyslexia and extraordinarily low working memory with an IQ within normal range. Took years of work and remediation to get to basic reading. Kiddo now reads very smoothly. Mom ( the, um, “friend,” cough) is utterly satisfied with program and thinks this kid is an extraordinarily hard worker plus people just like the kid because he’d do anything for anybody. 
 

The real problem lies here: In the past 1.5 years, kiddo’s brain seems to have matured? His math has moved 3-4 grade levels. His reading has become smooth and fluent. Mom has viewed homeschooling as her responsibility to equip young adults for the future. Hard worker? ✅ Willing attitude? ✅ Decent human? ✅ Basic knowledge set expected of a graduating high school student? Um no. 
 

On the one hand, graduating him keeps him invested in a program he’s lit up about. He’s done part of the two year program. He could finish next year. He works hard with friends who do remodeling 1-3 morning a week usually then just a normal after school job at the grocery store. Does great at both. 
 

On the other? He has gained so much ground in the past year and a half that another year could be huge for him. On the other hand? It’s very risky for the relationship. He does the work assigned, hates every minute of it, they clash over procrastination. If it wasn’t for the schoolwork, their relationship would be remarkably different. 😞 

 

24 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

So now it’s time to decide to graduate him and I asked our homeschool program to let him walk in May and I’ll issue his transcript. But so much of what I’m signing off on is not high school level. 

Neither is some of what students with IEPs do to graduate. I mean, not all people on IEPs, but some, and he's the kind of kid who would've been supported in normal classes in any way possible to PASS, whether or not it sticks because diplomas open doors. C's get degrees. All that. He can learn things he wants to learn via audio--podcasts, documentaries, etc. if he needs to learn it. 

Consider this: he may be using all the working memory he has on learning useful things right now for his trade. It might be tapped out. 

14 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I just don’t know how I sign a transcript in good conscience?

What if he did all of this only to forget it all within a year or two? Do you take your diploma back?

Do you remember everything you needed to master for your diploma? Did someone come and take it away when you realized you forgot some stuff?

I am not being snarky at all, just trying to show a different side of this.

You'd be shocked at some of the adverse circumstances students are facing. It's not unusual for the most at-risk students to be in a vocational program. Some are living in cars. Some are recovering from their own multiple substance abuse issues in high school. Many have mentally ill parents. **ETA: no shade to mental illness...I am speaking from the knowledge that there are kids parented by people who are not dealing with their mental illness. 

Knowing as staff member at a vocational school is even more eye-opening and heart-breaking.

He'll be okay. Truly. There is no conscience issue. 

Edited February 24, 2022 by kbutton

[bolt.]

15 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I despise being the reason for his worst days. I just don’t know how I sign a transcript in good conscience?

I don't know the local standards and courses that go on a transcript for you -- but here, there are course names and descriptions that actually *mean* things like 'The student spent the semester reviewing middle school math concepts, and was reasonably competent to a low standard' Or, 'Basic literacy skills were presented, tailored for LD students, who participated adequately'. Students can even earn 5 credits per year for a course called 'Learning Strategies' -- in which a teacher does nothing but support the students in the completion of homework for other classes. Many courses are simply impossible to fail (if you attend).

Students who successfully do those courses (attend and participate) get their credits towards graduation.

All of the implications of 'how hard' of courses a student took in order to earn their credits is buried in the course number. For transcript purposes, a credit is a credit. Advanced physics is 5 credits. So is physical education (gym).

Most students, no matter how many challenges they face -- if they attend and participate in a nearly full course load (of the easiest or most tailored classes) for their high school years will graduate. The transcript will read differently from a student who had a highly academic run-through, but both students, in the end, graduate. It's basically graduation by completion for some students.

So maybe put some thought into: how can the truth of what we really have been doing be reflected in a factual but full-credit transcript for this student?

Edited February 24, 2022 by bolt.

[BlsdMama]

I am deeply appreciating the insight and working through this with me. I’m having a very hard time with mom guilt and reconciling graduating him. I began the process in September and knew this just needed to happen. But as May looms closer, I feel so weighed down by the finality of this decision I could vomit. We’ve graduated a child early before for academic reasons so it’s not new to me but this is the first time I’ll send a kiddo out into the world feeling he is not ready and wondering if I could have done more…

[Rosie_0801]

2 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I am deeply appreciating the insight and working through this with me. I’m having a very hard time with mom guilt and reconciling graduating him. I began the process in September and knew this just needed to happen. But as May looms closer, I feel so weighed down by the finality of this decision I could vomit. We’ve graduated a child early before for academic reasons so it’s not new to me but this is the first time I’ll send a kiddo out into the world feeling he is not ready and wondering if I could have done more…

You couldn't. LD's can only be negotiated with to a point, and you got to that point. You got him to his personal best.

[Carrie12345]

11 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I despise being the reason for his worst days. I just don’t know how I sign a transcript in good conscience?

Okay, so this part I can also relate to.
Kid #3 was given a choice, based on not doing work, as opposed to not doing “well”.  She could do another year, or get a GED, because I wasn’t going to lie on a transcript.  She started out agreeing to a second year, but then the decision was made to take the GED.
It would never bother me to submit a C-level transcript. Perhaps not even a D-level transcript. (Public school does!!!) But I don’t sign off on Incomplete.  

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I am deeply appreciating the insight and working through this with me. I’m having a very hard time with mom guilt and reconciling graduating him. I began the process in September and knew this just needed to happen. But as May looms closer, I feel so weighed down by the finality of this decision I could vomit. We’ve graduated a child early before for academic reasons so it’s not new to me but this is the first time I’ll send a kiddo out into the world feeling he is not ready and wondering if I could have done more…

But Kelly, you'll still be there for him if he needs more help! You're a great mom, and if he needs to learn something difficult, he will know that he can come to you for help with it. 

I can understand your worry; I really can. But try to be practical about it if you can -- he wants to be a welder. Welders make good money, so he will be just fine. And welders don't need to have gotten an A (or even a B or a C) in geography or spelling. 

And later on, if he decides that welding isn't for him and he wants to do something else, he will probably surprise you and find a way to learn everything he needs to do that. He is so young to have already made such a mature life decision as choosing his career. That's a very big deal!

Edited February 24, 2022 by Catwoman
stupid typo!

[bolt.]

6 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

...this is the first time I’ll send a kiddo out into the world feeling he is not ready and wondering if I could have done more…

I think the confusing part is that you can see that he *is* ready for the things he actually wants to do. You are just uncomfortable because you really thought that people needed more than that. It's hard for you to see him as a competent adult human without some level of basic general knowledge -- which you need to hold in tension with also knowing how much of that 'general knowledge' is barely above the standard of trivia.

He can be a life-long learner. You can be a lifelong resource. He's not done. But he's clearly already ready for the world of welders.

Edited to add: Is it possible that you secretly thought all along that 'homeschooling creates exceptional people' (knowledgeable, articulate, critical thinkers, etc.) -- and that hasn't happened? Maybe instead think of this as an exceptional outcome for an LD student? Do you know how ordinary schools can really chew them up and spit them out? Think about what you have done instead of that!

Edited February 24, 2022 by bolt.

[Arcadia]

5 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I could but I’m not sure of the potential benefit. The point of graduating is to let him finish the welding program. Dual enrollment in this particular program requires high school students attend 9-11:30 or 12:30-3:00. If he graduates, he gets to pick his classes, allowing him to work more with contractor friends remodeling. He loves both - remodeling and welding. The guys he works with are a family we respect and like so much. They really teach and he loves the physical exertion. He’s so much happier in the evening when he’s spent the morning with them. His perfect day would be work for them, grab supper, go to welding class, fall asleep exhausted, wake up and repeat. His most awful day?  Barton, English, write a paper…..

 

I despise being the reason for his worst days. I just don’t know how I sign a transcript in good conscience?

My paternal grandpa was self employed making and remodeling building gates and fencing for people. My uncles were able to have their own manufacturing plant to fabricate high volumes of gates as well as doing custom jobs. I am bad at welding but I could easily do the CNC mechanic job if I wanted to help out. 
 

I would sign the transcript in good faith and let him walk in your homeschool group commencement ceremony. My teens are last priority for class registration for dual enrollment classes. I think being first priority for class registration and also graduating with his cohort would mean a lot to him. 
 

Your son can read and that means he would be able to read tender documents in the future. None of my cousins and their children who are helping in the family businesses have to write a paper. My brother is still weak in writing so I help him proofread his resumes and job application cover letter. 
 

I do not want your child to think his older siblings deserve a transcript but he is lacking. 

[Katy]

The things you're worried about probably won't be taught much in a few generations because of technology.  And WHEN it comes up that he doesn't know something an adult should know, it won't matter because he can say learning disabilities and ask Siri.

He's found something he's good at and he's passionate about AND that pays really well.  Graduate him and celebrate that you raised someone with an exceedingly strong work ethic who found a place he is loved and a field he excels in!  You're a fantastic mom and teacher and SO FEW kids have accomplished any of that at 17!

[Storygirl]

I have a 17 year old who cannot master algebra and whose reading and writing are at a middle school level. But the public high school will grant him a diploma, after he completes the classes there that are required.

Do not feel guilty about issuing the diploma.

I homeschooled my kids but eventually enrolled them in school. Why? Homeschooling was damaging our relationships, and I needed a team of people to help me address the learning disabilities. It seems like the CC program will meet this same need for you and your son, and it sounds like an excellent solution. God has provided a path for this young man that is not the path that you would have preferred to devise for him, but isn't that so often the way? Consider it a blessing that your son has a passion and interest that will lead to good employment in a career that will support him well. That is not the case for many and is something that we struggle with when we think of our son's future. I would be thrilled if my son were a hard worker with a clear career path. I am thrilled that your son has this going for him.

You've done a good job with him. Really, you have. Now you can hand off some responsibility to the CC and make sure that they have his LD documentation and give him the support that he requires, and be his cheerleader. And you can still help him grow in maturity in other areas of life.

Edited February 24, 2022 by Storygirl

[kbutton]

5 minutes ago, bolt. said:

So maybe put some thought into: how can the truth of what we really have been doing be reflected in a factual but full-credit transcript for this student?

This.

There is no body of homeschool information that is to be mastered. We tailor the education to the child, often while balancing how many life paths to cut off. Every life decision, even extraordinarily ideal ones, cut off some life paths and decisions. 

[kbutton]

I know college graduates that needed extensive help writing papers all the way through college. I don't mean running spell check or grammar check or help with their citations. 

We sometimes elevate well-roundedness over appropriateness or excellence in other areas. 

9 minutes ago, bolt. said:

Maybe instead think of this as an exceptional outcome for an LD student? Do you know how ordinary schools can really chew them up and spit them out? Think about what you have done instead of that!

Yes.

Both of my kids have LDs and/or actual global disabilities. There will always be people who see the disabilities and people who see the strengths.

See the strengths. 

See his character and hard work--lots of good spellers have neither. Lots of people who know their continents have neither. 

[Katy]

I also want to chime in on a totally personal level... I went to a program for teens to go to college early.  Somehow I was put into a writing class filled with engineering majors. All of them were brilliant, but almost all of them struggled enormously with written expression, whether they had an LD or not. 

I forgot about my first assignment and whipped it out in an hour before class. It might not have earned a C in my high school.  I got a 98, the highest grade in the class. The guy who sat next to me confessed he was dyslexic, he worked on that paper for two weeks and went to the writing center for help.  He's now making about $200k as a chemical engineer for a pharmaceutical company. No one cares that he uses speech to text or that he can't keep the names of common vegetables straight. No one cares that he nearly failed high school biology because he couldn't memorize cell structures.  They wrote an IEP that said he could graduate without that. They care that he's a great guy and a hard worker and has a rare skill set.

[BlsdMama]

12 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

I don't know what you mean by "in good conscience." 

Your standards for high school graduation seem ridiculously high, particularly considering that he has already been accepted into the CC program he is interested in, and that will help him pursue the career he wants.

Seriously, I think you need to leave your own ego and standards out of this. Your son is on track for success here. Please don't blow it for him.

I promise you it’s not ego. I’ve really wondered that and thought maybe it was but I don’t think so. Because I am not opposed to a blue collar trade. My dad was a welder. And my mama worked in a grocery store. They farmed and they did *very* well. I over think pretty much everything. Why? Because his education was really MY responsibility. I made a sort of a promise when I decided he wouldn’t go to school and I’d take on the responsibility. I promised, in essence, that I’d prepare him at least as well as they system I purposefully kept him out of. Could the school have done better? I don’t know…. But I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt here. When he’d hit a wall, we’d overcome. Worried about vocabulary? Dozens of audiobooks. Not reading? Learn to tutor Barton. Not moving forward in math? New curriculum, additional practice on facts. Improvise. Overcome. The reason we chose homeschooling is so we can provide alternative ways of learning to best equip our kids. So I’m having a hard time saying, “Yes, I think his education is substandard and yes I think more headway could be made, but I’m exhausted, and he’s going to resent it, so no.”

 

It feels like a copout because we don’t have the energy to do more hard. I.  Just. Want. To. Cheerlead. And it feels like a whiny excuse. Insert guilty tears at any point in here.

 

 

[BlsdMama]

17 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

But Kelly, you'll still be there for him if he needs more help! You're a great mom, and if he needs to learn something difficult, he will know that he can come to you for help with it. 

 

But, Cat, I won’t. ALS is a b*tch, huh? And maybe that’s what this really is about. One shot. 

[catz]

23 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

I am deeply appreciating the insight and working through this with me. I’m having a very hard time with mom guilt and reconciling graduating him. I began the process in September and knew this just needed to happen. But as May looms closer, I feel so weighed down by the finality of this decision I could vomit. We’ve graduated a child early before for academic reasons so it’s not new to me but this is the first time I’ll send a kiddo out into the world feeling he is not ready and wondering if I could have done more…

You're not sending him to the moon.  At this point make the priority the relationship so if he does need guidance or help down the line he knows his family has his back.  I only have one college kid but I definitely don't feel done parenting him.  What I tell him now is more about waiting for him to ask, I don't give unsolicited criticims.  Sometimes I might ask guiding questions "Oh, do you want me to proof your letter before you send it?"  

[Annie G]

I think you can sign his diploma with pride. You did your best, he did his best.  He’s able to pursue his chosen trade without needing remedial classes.  that’s what homeschooling is about- tailoring an education to meet the student’s needs.   I think he’s successful- he has a goal, he’s a hard worker, he’s found a trade he wants to pursue and people who enjoy being around him and who will teach him.  That’s pretty cool!

[Innisfree]

8 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

But, Cat, I won’t. ALS is a b*tch, huh? And maybe that’s what this really is about. One shot. 

Relationship really is everything here, right?

Tell him that you know he's a fantastic person, and that he's competent to find help if he needs it in the future. Show him you believe that. Love him and respect him.

You're a great mom. You can do this.

[Lori D.]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

... For instance I didn’t have him do a grammar program forever because Barton says to take it easy until Level 4. This year I folded him into Fix It with the girls (who he gets along well with and they don’t view it as competitive.) He can label parts of speech, openers, punctuation, etc. It finally all clicked. Last year he told me, “I don’t want you to teach me math.” Enter Nicole the Math Lady and TT to teach concepts. He moved through two Saxon math books. ..

[Note: from your original post, I really thought you were talking about someone else who was being a very set-in-their-ways about homeschooling and in denial about their son's LDs -- and that YOU were the close friend, LOL! Thanks for this clarification, because you were NOT set in your ways or in denial! Good for you! Awesome way to persevere with this child with LDs.]

Awesome! You DID make adjustments as needed, so there isn't the need for apologies -- either to DS OR to yourself. Please, be kind to yourself. All any of us can do is make the best decisions we can at the time. It sounds like you have done that. It is good.

Just like by listening to him about the Math, he was able to move through 2 levels of Math... Similarly, by listening to him now and graduating him into his vo-tech program, he will likely advance farther and faster because he's wise enough to know what he needs. Isn't that what we ultimately want for our students -- their ability to recognize what they need to self-educate or to find the program that gives them the education and training they need? 😉

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

...But so much of what I’m signing off on is not high school level. So part of me says, “One more year and you wouldn’t have failed him as a preparer,”...

"High school level" -- that is so subjective... gently, you need to let that go. Not appropriate to beat your self up with something so subjective. 😉 

"Failed him as a preparer" -- No. Not at all. Your job as a parent in preparing your child to be an adult and to take on adult responsibilities trumps everything. And you have SUCCEEDED -- your son has initiated and found what will take him on from here into the next stage of life and in being an adult.
 

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

...So now it’s time to decide to graduate him and I asked our homeschool program to let him walk in May and I’ll issue his transcript...  part of me says, “One more year and you wouldn’t have failed him as a preparer,” the other part says, “You’ll make headway, not as much as you’d like to think you might, and you’ll deeply resent one another for the torture.”

SOOOO many kids have senior-its and are just "done" even if it is not the end of the spring semester of 12th grade. I have TWO seniors in my homeschool high school Lit. & Comp. (English credit) co-op class who are barely going to make it to May because they are so very, very DONE. One student -- his mom and I had to drop him from doing any writing assignments and come up with past things he's done to count as finishing of that last 1/4 credit of English that was going to come from the writing assignments.

Seriously... at a certain point, it's like drying to draw water from a dry well. There just is nothing left, and it IS torture to dry and FORCE non-existent water out of that well.

 

The most successful homeschoolers and educators recognize when a student is done and stop there so they don't turn "doneness" into "hatred of learning."

That describes YOU -- wise homeschooler who recognizes when this student is done, and let him move on to the next thing.

Hugs. It is hard when it comes sooner or in a way that is different than what we expected or planned on. But that also pretty much sums up kids turning into adults. 😉 Wishing you and DS all the very BEST as he graduates and moves into his next stage of learning and life! Warmest regards, Lori D.

 

Edited February 24, 2022 by Lori D.

[Rosie_0801]

6 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

 I promised, in essence, that I’d prepare him at least as well as they system I purposefully kept him out of. Could the school have done better? I don’t know…. 

 

It feels like a copout because we don’t have the energy to do more hard. I.  Just. Want. To. Cheerlead. And it feels like a whiny excuse. Insert guilty tears at any point in here.

 

 

From experience, no, the school wouldn't have done better. After 5 years in schools in a posh part of the state capital, mine is further behind in writing and no better at maths than she was when she left me at the end of grade 3. 

It's not a whiny excuse. It's the right thing to do. Reality is stopping you from doing a thing you should stop doing. Smile at Reality and say "Righto, thanks for the tip." You got your boy to his personal best. That is the best anyone can do and schools pretty much never do that. You have done better than the system you kept him out of.

If you are grieving a kid that turned out to be someone different to what you were hoping for, well, weird stuff like that happens in life. We're allowed to feel stuff that isn't helpful to act on. The Human Condition is (not)fun like that. By all means grieve if you need to, but don't believe that your feelings mean you screwed up, coz you didn't.

[marbel]

56 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

but this is the first time I’ll send a kiddo out into the world feeling he is not ready and wondering if I could have done more…

But you have outside validation that he is ready. And he is telling you he's ready. He has been accepted into a course of study that he enjoys and sounds like it will lead him to a career.

I get you on the transcript. It took some mental gymnastics for me to come up with science credits for my art kid. The math was taken care of by a developmental course at the local CC via dual enrollment. But ya know what? That kid got into CC just fine, and thrived, graduated with a 4.0 and was readily accepted into a program at a good LAC. No one actually has ever requested or looked at that high school transcript.  

And honestly? Your kid in the trades program is on a better career track than my LAC graduate. 

And mine could probably not tell you if Canada is a continent or not either. And don't ask where any states are. 

Edited February 24, 2022 by marbel

[Lori D.]

12 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

But, Cat, I won’t. ALS is a b*tch, huh? And maybe that’s what this really is about. One shot. 

Gently -- that just makes it all the more clear that it's so important make the most of the RELATIONSHIP with DS now in the time you have, since you know your time is limited. Give him the love, support, and encouragement now that will fill him up for his life.

((((((BlsdMama)))))) I am so sorry about the ALS.

[Lori D.]

3 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

From experience, no, the school wouldn't have done better. After 5 years in schools in a posh part of the state capital, mine is further behind in writing and no better at maths than she was when she left me at the end of grade 3. 

It's not a whiny excuse. It's the right thing to do. Reality is stopping you from doing a thing you should stop doing. Smile at Reality and say "Righto, thanks for the tip." You got your boy to his personal best. That is the best anyone can do and schools pretty much never do that. You have done better than the system you kept him out of.

If you are grieving a kid that turned out to be someone different to what you were hoping for, well, weird stuff like that happens in life. We're allowed to feel stuff that isn't helpful to act on. The Human Condition is (not)fun like that. By all means grieve if you need to, but don't believe that your feelings mean you screwed up, coz you didn't.

👍 "liking", since you have no like button. 😄 

[Tanaqui]

I forgot about your illness.

Stress - and this is definitely two stressors on top of each other - can make us fixate on the wrong things.

The absolute most important thing right now, for you and your family, is to focus on being there for each other emotionally. Literally nothing else is as important. Your son has done pretty well academically given his learning disabilities, he is equipped to get more help if he decides to revisit spelling or geography later in life, he's in a training program that will further equip him to support himself.

There's probably some psychology here, like it's easier to focus on the schoolwork than the other stuff. But you'll regret it, and so will he. You don't have the luxury of a lifetime to regret things. Focus on your relationship.

[BlsdMama]

37 minutes ago, Terabith said:

Okay, this is blunt, and I don't want to hurt you.  I totally understand being uncomfortable signing off as graduated when you don't feel like he's completed high school level work.  

But.  

How many years do you have left together?  How do you want him to remember you?  

As the person who held him back from a program he was passionate about and kept him from pursuing his dreams, because of spelling and geography, or as the person who loved him and let him go?  

 

Yeah, mama, you’re not wrong. I’m most worried about him thinking, “Wow. You really failed me.”

 He’s a good kid, he’s just always needed a lot of extra support… and I feel like we’re about to pitch him into the deep, wish him luck on swimming, and hope he can dog paddle. He wants to jump, wants to swim. I’m just worried once he’s in the water…. Ugh. Can’t undo. 
 

It’s so weird. I can’t even figure out what happened that I changed. Our oldest? We had commute an hour each way, work, do school. we had super human expectations. Never even occurred to us she might not be ready. DS? I only regretted not graduating him early. DD#2? Started CC her junior year, was a CNA her senior year, ran her life from 16. DD#3 - CC sophomore year, graduated early, off to college. No worries. DD #4? College classes at 14… I’m nota hold them back, fear of failure person. 
 

But this kid has faced mountains academically. He’s worked his butt off. And I admit that I’m afraid the world is going to chew him up and spit him out. He’s so naive. He’s gullible. He currently has a very nice girl friend (as opposed to girlfriend) who constantly corrects his texts and spelling. She said something to me the other night at AHG and some truly unkind things came to mind. She has no idea how hard he’s worked to get here. And he laughs it off and is okay with it…. But I’m really not. I used to be such a grammar nazi and I think, “wow. You were a class A jerk.” But I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And I just want to equip him so that all his work isn’t… minimized? Mocked? How can I let a 14 year old take classes at the CC, know this is her permanent GPA and not be scared but the idea of graduating him and if he falls on his face I will never forgive myself? Because I have confidence in her ability in the classes we chose carefully. But this kiddo? He is just not ready for life and I don’t know how to get there. He’s just SO the kid someone would take advantage of….

 

And that, I think, is the real crux of it. 
 

Snap. Should have just named this thread Be Kelly’s Therapist. SMH. 

[mum]

I'd say let him fly. He will learn what he needs to as he goes along. In my experience it has been best to not stand in the way when there's intrinsic motivation for a young adult to move forward. Good enough education is good enough. Launching is so important. 

[Tanaqui]

Quote

Yeah, mama, you’re not wrong. I’m most worried about him thinking, “Wow. You really failed me.”

It's very unlikely that he'll think that.

But let's say he does, and not just as a momentary blip, but really deep down. Would you rather he thinks you failed him by not hammering the states into his head better, or that he thinks you failed him by continuing to push remediation long past the frustration point?

I don't know how to say these things non-bluntly, but that's what it boils down to.

[Lori D.]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

I could but I’m not sure of the potential benefit. The point of graduating is to let him finish the welding program. Dual enrollment in this particular program requires high school students attend 9-11:30 or 12:30-3:00. If he graduates, he gets to pick his classes, allowing him to work more with contractor friends remodeling. He loves both - remodeling and welding. The guys he works with are a family we respect and like so much. They really teach and he loves the physical exertion. He’s so much happier in the evening when he’s spent the morning with them. His perfect day would be work for them, grab supper, go to welding class, fall asleep exhausted, wake up and repeat. His most awful day?  Barton, English, write a paper…..

 

I despise being the reason for his worst days. I just don’t know how I sign a transcript in good conscience?

Re-read your first paragraph here. THAT's how you sign it in good conscience -- because high school has been a complete success! You are helping him launch into what he's PREPARED to be able to DO, what brings him JOY, and what he's GOOD at, and what he can make a good LIVING at.

Please don't get so hung up on bureaucratic paperwork and meaningless technicalities that you miss this moment!

(Not to mention -- a POST high school educational institution passed him on their tests as NOT needing remediation -- i.e., NO need to go back to high school level. So, clearly he has learned high school level material to legitimately earn his high school diploma.)

Edited February 24, 2022 by Lori D.

[Terabith]

3 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Yeah, mama, you’re not wrong. I’m most worried about him thinking, “Wow. You really failed me.”

 He’s a good kid, he’s just always needed a lot of extra support… and I feel like we’re about to pitch him into the deep, wish him luck on swimming, and hope he can dog paddle. He wants to jump, wants to swim. I’m just worried once he’s in the water…. Ugh. Can’t undo. 
 

It’s so weird. I can’t even figure out what happened that I changed. Our oldest? We had commute an hour each way, work, do school. we had super human expectations. Never even occurred to us she might not be ready. DS? I only regretted not graduating him early. DD#2? Started CC her junior year, was a CNA her senior year, ran her life from 16. DD#3 - CC sophomore year, graduated early, off to college. No worries. DD #4? College classes at 14… I’m nota hold them back, fear of failure person. 
 

But this kid has faced mountains academically. He’s worked his butt off. And I admit that I’m afraid the world is going to chew him up and spit him out. He’s so naive. He’s gullible. He currently has a very nice girl friend (as opposed to girlfriend) who constantly corrects his texts and spelling. She said something to me the other night at AHG and some truly unkind things came to mind. She has no idea how hard he’s worked to get here. And he laughs it off and is okay with it…. But I’m really not. I used to be such a grammar nazi and I think, “wow. You were a class A jerk.” But I didn’t know what I didn’t know. And I just want to equip him so that all his work isn’t… minimized? Mocked? How can I let a 14 year old take classes at the CC, know this is her permanent GPA and not be scared but the idea of graduating him and if he falls on his face I will never forgive myself? Because I have confidence in her ability in the classes we chose carefully. But this kiddo? He is just not ready for life and I don’t know how to get there. He’s just SO the kid someone would take advantage of….

 

And that, I think, is the real crux of it. 
 

Snap. Should have just named this thread Be Kelly’s Therapist. SMH. 

Yeah, I'm the English major, former grammar Nazi who had a child with learning disabilities and incredibly low working memory.  It's hard.  She will always require an editor.  

But honestly, I think she's more prepared for life than my 18 year old who had a major mental health crisis at 15.  I would have felt like Lyr at 13 was equipped to live independently in an apartment and go to a liberal arts college.  18 year old Lyr?  I have serious doubts about their success.  

It's hard.  It sucks.  But which choice is going to be life giving for your son?  When he looks back ten years from now, which scenario do you think is more likely to resent?  

Relationship is everything.  You want to give him good memories.  Everyone has gaps, and kids with challenges have more gaps than others.  And it feels so much more fraught, because with homeschooling the responsibility is entirely on you.  But another year isn't going to fix his issues.  And it might sap his enthusiasm for his welding program, and it is not likely to give him happy memories.  

Be the cheerleader.  

[Danae]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

 

On the other? He has gained so much ground in the past year and a half that another year could be huge for him.

So because he’s doing well you want to hold him back.  That’s about the biggest de-motivator I can think of. 
 

(I get it . . . you now think he could do more than you had thought and it hurts not to get him there.  But you really can’t punish him for improving by delaying his graduation a year.)
 

 

[Rosie_0801]

18 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

Yeah, mama, you’re not wrong. I’m most worried about him thinking, “Wow. You really failed me.”

The worst he's entitled to think is "Eh, we all knew she meant well."

 

Failure is when you actively sabotage your kid. If you want to know how I know that, I can put you in touch with my kid. She has Opinions and Experience.

[Catwoman]

31 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

But, Cat, I won’t. ALS is a b*tch, huh? And maybe that’s what this really is about. One shot. 

OK, how about thinking of it in a different way? Maybe you won’t always be there to help him when he needs it, but your other kids will be, and if you have been as diligent with their educations as you are with this son’s, they are more than prepared to be able to help him if he needs it.

None of us can prepare for everything, and I really do understand why you are worried and second-guessing yourself, but the one thing that all of us seem to agree on is that the relationship should take priority over the schooling. Your son will be far better off remembering his mom as his champion and as someone who always loved him and supported him, no matter what. He is not going to remember you negatively because you didn’t make him study more spelling or geography or any other subject. 

One other important consideration here is that he has already decided on a career at a very early age, and you will get to see him accomplish that goal — and I’ll bet you will realize at that time, that he will be fine and that you don’t need to worry about him floundering and not knowing what he wants to do with his life, because he will have already achieved that goal. And realistically, if he can be this mature at his age, I think he will be absolutely fine whether or not he ends up spending his life as a welder. He’s already making great, sensible choices! 

You have obviously done a really great job with him, and in the end, the geography and the spelling have nothing to do with that.

[Catwoman]

5 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

The worst he's entitled to think is "Eh, we all knew she meant well."

 

Failure is when you actively sabotage your kid. If you want to know how I know that, I can put you in touch with my kid. She has Opinions and Experience.

This is so true!!!

[TravelingChris]

2 hours ago, marbel said:

But I mean, is that what the OP is talking about? I just don't think of that as geography as it is studied in school.  

I don't know. We did geography here in a few different ways-none traditional.  We played geography games.  We traveled.  And the younger two also watched the Teaching Company course  on physical geography. The dyslexic did great with traditional geography.  It was just with actual use of geography that she had an issue. But as I said, just not good as the rest of us with it.  Her husband has to be tied with the worse person I ever met on practical geography and neither of them are dyslexics.

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, TravelingChris said:

I don't know. We did geography here in a few different ways-none traditional.  We played geography games.  We traveled.  And the younger two also watched the Teaching Company course  on physical geography. The dyslexic did great with traditional geography.  It was just with actual use of geography that she had an issue. But as I said, just not good as the rest of us with it.  Her husband has to be tied with the worse person I ever met on practical geography and neither of them are dyslexics.

I’m just thinking that passing a high school geography class doesn’t really matter, because it has absolutely nothing to do with learning how to be a welder. 

Granted, it’s nice to know, but I sure wouldn’t hold a kid back from graduating just because he couldn’t label countries on a map (or whatever.) 

Also, I don’t even think geography is a required course in a lot of high schools.

[VickiMNE]

37 minutes ago, BlsdMama said:

But this kiddo? He is just not ready for life and I don’t know how to get there. He’s just SO the kid someone would take advantage of….

Hugs, @BlsdMama.  I hear your heart, your love, your worry for this beloved child.  This is where we trust our kids to God.  When our 3rd child (ASD) went off to university, I would not have been surprised for him to be back home, chewed up and spit out by harsh peers and an uncaring system by October.  I had the same thought:  he'll be raked over, ridiculed, taken advantage of.  I prayed for him daily.  I'm not saying he never had any curveballs, but he managed to thrive *and mature* and graduate--albeit later than his younger siblings since he went at his own pace.  

He's really a wonderful young adult *very* successfully employed by a small company that *values* his gifts and talents (even as he is still a "man of few words"--I can't imagine what his interviews were like).  I'm still amazed and thrilled at how far he's come and the ways he's matured and stretched in ways I never would have dreamed possible in a million years.  He has a good life!

It sounds to me that you've done a fantastic job in raising and teaching your young man.  He is going to soar--you gave him the grounding he needed to launch.  Trust God will continue to guide him.

[EKS]

Jumping in late here and I haven't read all the replies.

I agree with the friend.  Nothing academic is ever worth damaging your relationship with your child over.

I'd graduate him and let him do the program.

[TravelingChris]

2 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Already evaluated - severe to profound dyslexia and extraordinarily low working memory with an IQ within normal range. Took years of work and remediation to get to basic reading. Kiddo now reads very smoothly. Mom ( the, um, “friend,” cough) is utterly satisfied with program and thinks this kid is an extraordinarily hard worker plus people just like the kid because he’d do anything for anybody. 
 

The real problem lies here: In the past 1.5 years, kiddo’s brain seems to have matured? His math has moved 3-4 grade levels. His reading has become smooth and fluent. Mom has viewed homeschooling as her responsibility to equip young adults for the future. Hard worker? ✅ Willing attitude? ✅ Decent human? ✅ Basic knowledge set expected of a graduating high school student? Um no. 
 

 

Let me tell you two stories.  My one dd has a degree in criminal justice but works as a text editor plus now also writing proposals, recruiting, and is moving into  tech. Anyway, when she was only doing the text editing, she had a co-worker who was a college graduate with an English degree.  That woman was arguing with my dd and another co-worker how the plural of mouse is mouses.

Then I don't know that the Sprint Customer Service worker had a college degree (probably not) but most likely did have a high school diploma.  The one who was arguing with me  while I was on my celll phone talking to her how my phone wouldn't work because I was  in a foreign country.  I was in Albuquerque, NM.  

And if you want, I can start recounting stories of people with even higher degrees that no nothing.

The check marked qualities are so much more important. You have done well raising him.

[elegantlion]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

Part of me feels relief over this, part of me wants to explain. 
 

At no time, ever, were the expectations the same for older kids or were there comparative expectations. Let’s drop the friends thing, lol, *I* knew early on what we were working against and we constantly tailored everything  to ability…. 

So much so, that if I’m transparent,  my fear has now become - what if I failed him because I did not expect enough of him? I’ll give you a for instance. For instance, I didn’t have him do a grammar program forever because Barton says to take it easy until Level 4 and we reported Level 3 and Level 4. This year I folded him into Fix It with the girls (who he gets along well with and they don’t view it as competitive.) He can label parts of speech, openers, punctuation, etc. It finally all clicked and while I C was happily surprised, it left me bewildered. Has I hindered him by lowering expectations?  Last year he told me, “I don’t want you to teach me math.” Enter Nicole the Math Lady and TT to teach concepts. He moved through two Saxon math books last year.

So now it’s time to decide to graduate him and I asked our homeschool program to let him walk in May and I’ll issue his transcript. But so much of what I’m signing off on is not high school level. So part of me says, “One more year and you wouldn’t have failed him as a preparer,” the other part says, “You’ll make headway, not as much as you’d like to think you might, and you’ll deeply resent one another for the torture.”

I told my ds, who was an atrocious writer despite my best attempts, to NOT tell his freshman comp professor that he was homeschooled. He managed a B in the class. 
 

You have not failed, he has something he is excited about doing that can turn into a lucrative career. You have not failed, you are not comparing him to his older siblings. I would graduate him, let him be excited about the work, and remind him that you're there to support his choices and only want the best for him. 

I want to share two experiences, maybe they're be helpful. My late ex-dh was not an book smart person. He didn't care about the liberal arts - he probably couldn't even define the word. His other challenges aside, he was a brilliant carpenter. He could see in 3D, design extensive remodels w/out blueprints and his skill kept him employed from references for years. He thrived in a physical working environment. He took great pride in his work. 

Another friend is a work with your mind type of person. He's also dyslexic. Because he had a strong desire to do so, he's learned several languages, but even today he makes spelling errors and misuses simple words. He reads a lot but find it exhausting, he has a hard time finding what he needs on websites because some are so cluttered. What I can find in a 5 second scan requires a full minute or more for him to locate. The extra effort and fatigue is worth it to him because that is what he's always wanted to do. He is not, however, a handy man. 

Both men knew who they were and loved their career choices. 

I've watched my own ds balk at doing anything that he doesn't have 100% buy in about. He had a few get-r-done credits on his transcripts because he needed to move on. 

You're not failing if you let him graduate. Maybe set some goals that you can both agree need to be done by May. Keep the relationship, and as noted above, the learning doesn't stop when he graduates.

 

[kbutton]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

And I admit that I’m afraid the world is going to chew him up and spit him out. He’s so naive. He’s gullible. 

And I just want to equip him so that all his work isn’t… minimized? Mocked? 

He is just not ready for life and I don’t know how to get there. He’s just SO the kid someone would take advantage of…

And that, I think, is the real crux of it. 

This is not a diploma issue. Hugs. My worries are less broad than yours, but I worry about most of this with my younger kiddo.

[Jaybee]

I have skimmed but not read carefully. I have a similar situation, except that we put him in public school in middle school because he was no longer responsive to me. Senior this year. I sometimes feel guilty that I didn't push for a neuropsych evaluation, because he passed the placement exams at our local school with flying colors. I don't know how. (Diagnosed with expressive language disorder/dyslexia after 2nd grade.) The school wouldn't have given him accommodations without further detailed testing. And I didn't push for it. He clearly didn't want them, though they would have benefitted him, and I didn't push because he would have fought it and resented it. But I do feel guilt over it.

He's gone to tech for part of the school day, and plans to go into some area of construction. He is good at it, is an extremely hard worker, and is well-thought of by others. I struggle because I, too, sometimes blame myself for things he didn't/doesn't absorb. I did spend a lot of time and effort in teaching him to read, and he learned the mechanics of it well. However, his comprehension of both spoken and written communication has big gaps. I am hopeful that it does not hinder him overmuch in pursuing a good career. There is both the feeling that I didn't do enough, and the reality that he was not willing to accept the helps I felt he needed. It's hard, and covers much more than just academics. However, I am proud of his work ethic and believe that if he hangs around the right people (those who want good for him rather than buddies who would pull him down), he will do well. He seems to have a good head on his shoulders in that regard.

ETA: I read a little more. I, too, worry about so many many areas in which he will not accept instruction from us. As a Christian, I just have to leave him in God's hands and pray for him. Our trying to make him listen doesn't work. He is not ready either, and I have to pray for his protection.

ETA2: You shouldn't worry about graduating him. Having ours in public school has been an education for me in a way. Things are very different that they were back in the dark ages when I was in school. They bend over backwards to help students make the grades to graduate.

Edited February 24, 2022 by Jaybee

[Lecka]

I would let him graduate and give him approval and validation.  

[Lecka]

My husband is the black sheep and his parents have made it clear he will never be good enough for them.  It is ludicrous however.  
 

That is where I am coming from and just — no.  Nobody is probably judging you and nobody is probably judging him.  
 

My husband is a poor speller and occasionally mispronounces a word.  It is such a nothing to me.  That is not his worth to me.  

[Lecka]

Also it sounds like you have done well with him 🙂

 

Edit:  and honestly the level of self-awareness to question this is beyond my ILs as well, so I think that is something good to, and I recognize it is challenging.  
 

Edit:  I think — picture a grandchild from any of your children.  How would you want a grandchild to be treated?  You are a powerful role model to all of your children in this.  

Edited February 24, 2022 by Lecka

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

I promise you it’s not ego. I’ve really wondered that and thought maybe it was but I don’t think so. Because I am not opposed to a blue collar trade. My dad was a welder. And my mama worked in a grocery store. They farmed and they did *very* well. I over think pretty much everything. Why? Because his education was really MY responsibility. I made a sort of a promise when I decided he wouldn’t go to school and I’d take on the responsibility. I promised, in essence, that I’d prepare him at least as well as they system I purposefully kept him out of. Could the school have done better? I don’t know…. But I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt here. When he’d hit a wall, we’d overcome. Worried about vocabulary? Dozens of audiobooks. Not reading? Learn to tutor Barton. Not moving forward in math? New curriculum, additional practice on facts. Improvise. Overcome. The reason we chose homeschooling is so we can provide alternative ways of learning to best equip our kids. So I’m having a hard time saying, “Yes, I think his education is substandard and yes I think more headway could be made, but I’m exhausted, and he’s going to resent it, so no.”

 

It feels like a copout because we don’t have the energy to do more hard. I.  Just. Want. To. Cheerlead. And it feels like a whiny excuse. Insert guilty tears at any point in here.

 

 

I think that it’s more about him being 17 and needing to take charge of the trajectory of his education now. Yes, he has more to learn and you’ve seen what can happen if you truly have his buy in. If he sees that he needs additional skills he can get it even as he transitions to adulthood. 

[ScoutTN]

@BlsdMama You did great. He’s ready. Let him go. 
 

[Kanin]

1 hour ago, BlsdMama said:

I over think pretty much everything. Why? Because his education was really MY responsibility. I made a sort of a promise when I decided he wouldn’t go to school and I’d take on the responsibility. I promised, in essence, that I’d prepare him at least as well as they system I purposefully kept him out of. Could the school have done better? I don’t know…. But I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt here. When he’d hit a wall, we’d overcome. Worried about vocabulary? Dozens of audiobooks. Not reading? Learn to tutor Barton. Not moving forward in math? New curriculum, additional practice on facts. Improvise. Overcome. The reason we chose homeschooling is so we can provide alternative ways of learning to best equip our kids. So I’m having a hard time saying, “Yes, I think his education is substandard and yes I think more headway could be made, but I’m exhausted, and he’s going to resent it, so no.”

 

I love this. You worked so hard, and thought outside of the box, so much! As a public school special education teacher, this is the kind of thing I desperately WANT to do for all of my students, but I'm constrained by certain unchangeable parts of public school.... schedules... other teachers who don't get it or don't want to think outside the box... curriculums already bought for me... I could go on. I do as much as I can to be as flexible as a homeschool mom, but being in public school has limits. 

I feel sure that your son has watched you be creative and resourceful, and absorbed the fantastic life skill of encountering an obstacle, thinking creatively, and working around it and moving on. That kind of flexible mindset (dare I say the overused phrase, growth mindset) is way more important than most academic skills, unless a person wants to go on to more academic education.

I also feel certain that your son will learn new skills when he needs them. Take grammar, for instance... he's going to be really motivated to write a good email to his boss or a client... and he's going to work hard to make sure it sounds right. Or, say he's going to a job in a new place. He's going to learn all about it, how to get there, etc. He may get more interested in other things, like watching the news, and learn something like geography from that. 

You got a dyslexic kid to read well, do basic math, and also be a hard worker and all-around awesome kid? That is amazing and something to celebrate big time!