Deleted

[Drama Llama]

. . .  

 

 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Spy Car]

Extended family holidays tend to be among the few days a year when I don't cook.

I bring a festive salad.

Bill

 

[YaelAldrich]

Paper goods

Drinks

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Kassia]

I usually bring a fruit salad, fruit tray, or veggie tray.  Sometimes dessert.  

 

 

[catz]

I like to cook but in our families those folks tend to get assigned things like beverages, easy snacks (ie chips to a barbeque, etc).  Something easily picked up in a produce or deli section (fruit or veggie tray, deli salad, etc)

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[prairiewindmomma]

In our extended family, those individuals were assigned things like bringing rolls (the 36 pk from Costco), fruit or veggie trays, or other "just pick up from the store" options like a bottle of wine.  

Not everyone likes to cook, or is even very capable of it.  It's better to let the foodies do their thing, but make contributions in areas where people don't have strong opinions.

ETA: here, I'm talking about holiday meals.  If we're talking about every day stuff, then I would be direct about either a financial or other contribution.

Edited October 11, 2021 by prairiewindmomma

[Spy Car]

2 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Like a store bought salad?  I might be using a broader definition of cook than you are.

ETA: What makes a salad festive?  Seasonal ingredients?  Can I have a recipe?*

*Clearly, I'm not the relative who doesn't like to cook in this scenario.

Thinks like using pomegranate seeds and goat cheese are festive. And/or small slices of Fuyu persimmons. And/or candied walnuts.

Then a variety of greens. Maybe some radicchio for color.

Perhaps some perfectly blanched (then ice chilled) vegetables.

With maybe a sweeter than usual homemade dressing.

If this is for a non-cook, have them bring wine, or dessert, or some packaged food item. Better that way.

Bill

[HomeAgain]

I agonize for days, going back and forth between making something anyway and bringing paper plates, calculate dietary needs and panic all over again, and then I finally give up, picking up a fruit tray on the way there.  To make up for it I do my best to help organize and help the host with the nitty gritty tasks.

[Spy Car]

Just now, BaseballandHockey said:

Do you just tell them what to bring?

I'm annoyed that we have one family who never contributes.  I don't care if they cook something, but I am feeling like they need to carry some of the financial burden, if that makes sense, and thinking that someone needs to just say "Can you bring the ice cream, and the hot dogs."  

Just assign them something they don't need to prepare. That's completely permissible. 

Bill

[Drama Llama]

. . . .

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey
Don't want people to think I'm serving raw hot dogs

[AmandaVT]

2 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So, it sounds like your family's culture is like mine, in that we don't really assign.  Would it be easier if things were assigned? 

I don't want to be like Marni with the "this kind of casserole, with this food that no one likes, and lid not tin foil".  But I am wondering if it would be easier if someone just said "Can you bring the hot dogs for the grill and the potato chips" or whatever.  There are lots of things that don't require culinary skills.

I am definitely not the person in the position to be assigning anything, but I could put a bug in someone's ear. 

I feel like "what can we bring" is what everyone always asks in my family/friend circle. If they don't ask and it's a common theme, I'd feel fine with suggesting - "would you like to bring an appetizer or a side dish?" and then suggest- cheese and crackers, hummus and veggies, salad, etc.

[Katy]

I like to cook, but we sometimes go to parties held by DH’s college friends.  It’s a long drive.  We bring fruit & veggie trays, chips & dip.  Things we can pick up at the store near their house.  Most of thise friends have elementary-middle school aged kids, and all of them like fruit & veggies with dips.

A group of church friends had one parent who was very vocal about not wanting healthy foods at a party. For that one if I didn’t want to cook I’d bring something simple but would work in a travel crockpot. Chili.  Green beans (frozen from Sam’s Club) with real bacon bits (premade at Sam’s Club). Super easy. I’d steam the beans in the microwave less than an hour before leaving, dump them into the crockpot on low, and stir in bacon bits at the end.  In less than an hour they smelled delicious and done of the edges would be crispy, and off we’d go.

For a pasta bar once I made an “alfredo” sauce with a couple containers of fage nonfat Greek yogurt and a lot of Parmesan Romano cheese and a bit of salt, pepper, and garlic.  It’s better than real alfredo, all the flavor, none of that gross coat your mouth saturated fat feel. One of my skinniest friends joked she was going to have to murder me because she’d gone back for more three times- until I told her the base was nonfat yogurt instead of cream.  I combined ingredients in a pot at home, then poured it into a travel crockpot with some sort of precooked gluten free penne I think. When I make it at home I add shrimp or cubed chicken. 

[Drama Llama]

. . . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[SeaConquest]

33 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

What do you bring to family gatherings?

 

 

Wine. Always wine.

[teachermom2834]

I tried to ask for drinks from my non-contributing family (of five big eaters) guests. I had tried various things over the years with varying degrees of pushback/success. One year I thought it was brilliant to ask for them to bring drinks. A few assorted 12 packs of drinks. That way I wouldn’t overbuy for his family trying to make sure everyone had their favorites and it was less to purchase and even load/unload when doing the grocery shopping.

This infuriated guest who said “I’m not going to drive with a 12 pack in my lap. We come. If that’s not good enough we’ll just watch you eat so we are not a burden.” So yeah. I gave up. 

But this was only a 1-2x a year thing. For regular gatherings I would decide on bread or condiments or drinks or dessert or a veggie tray or meat/cheese tray and either let them choose from a list of these simple but useful purchases or I would assign. And then I would decide to accept whatever form the contribution took even if it was a sad veggie tray or low quality bread or whatever. And then I would put the relationship above the food issue and just accept whatever it was or reduce the gatherings. And make darn sure my own kids understand the issue so they can be better adults when it is there turn. 
 

ETA— sorry I didn’t answer the question and took it from the point of view of the host doing all the work. I might be gearing up for Thanksgiving…

If I attended somewhere that I wasn’t comfortable cooking or didnt know what would be well received I would bring wine/drinks, a dessert, nice bread or rolls, an appetizer or a charcuterie type tray and then tell the host to either put it out or put it away for another time when they didn’t want to cook. 
 

 

Edited October 11, 2021 by teachermom2834

[fairfarmhand]

I send out a text that says, If you don't want to cook, we need someone to bring drinks, paper products, etc. 

I'll also have an option for things that could be picked up "We need someone to bring a tray of veggies and fruit along with a dessert of any kind. (I don't care if it's a couple of boxes of oatmeal cream pies or a deli cake)" 

When I'm organizing, This is how I send out an email

Looking forward to our dinner next month. Just trying to get things organized. REmember that we all need to pitch in to make this a fun day for everyone. We will be having _____ people at the dinner, so keep that in mind as you prepare.  Aunt Sue is hosting and will be providing the burgers and hot dogs. 

We all have busy times and some of us have more time to spend in the kitchen some years than others. Don't feel pressured to cook if you don't feel up to it, but please choose an option below so that everyone will contribute to this years dinner. No judgement if you end up grabbing stuff from the store!" 

Then I divvy up the food so they are somewhat equal. I number things so people can claim the number. And if the only thing left is for the non participating family, I'll send a text "Hey, Joe and Susan, since we didn't hear from you, the only thing left to bring is cups, plates, and forks. See you soon!" 

It's also a good idea to reply to all with these emails so everyone has an idea of what everyone else is bringing. Subtle peer pressure isn't a bad thing.

. 

[Katy]

Just now, BaseballandHockey said:

Now I need that recipe too.

The Alfredo one?  Sure.  Purists will hate this because it’s too processed and too easy, but it tastes good. 

Fage nonfat Greek yogurt is the important part. That’s usually the only brand of Greek yogurt that is real in stores near me.  The other brands are regular yogurt thickened with starch & gelatin, and those will fall apart with heat. The large container. Two containers and two pounds of cooked pasta if it’s for a party. 

Dump the yogurt into a saucepan on medium low. Mix in half the amount of Parmesan-Romano mix as you did yogurt. It’s easier to melt in if it’s the powdered kind rather than shredded. If you can only find Romano just use that. I usually buy the large bag of mixed cheeses at Sam’s or Costco, but I’ve used the kraft kind with the black lid before and that was fine too, if a but salty. Maybe 1/4-1/3 c dried parsley.  Salt. Pepper. Powdered chicken bouillon mix.  All to taste because different cheeses have different amounts of salt. A tablespoon diced garlic. Stir. You want it warm enough to really melt the cheese in, but not so hot it’s scorching. If you’re serving only adults a little dry white wine would smell divine too. 

Serve over pasta (I like penne) with chicken or shrimp. Works well in a slow cooker on warm for a party. 

[Pam in CT]

I don't particularly *like* to cook -- I can, but it's not an outlet for my creativity or source of joy as it is for some.  I typically ask what I should bring, and within my family culture and among my closer friends I am usually told specifically "a vegetable" or "a dessert" or whatever.  If not, I typically bring either wine, or (if going to a household that doesn't drink alcohol) a dessert that can, but does not have to, be eaten on the spot, usually nice chocolate.

But

38 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

...I'm annoyed that we have one family who never contributes.  I don't care if they cook something, but I am feeling like they need to carry some of the financial burden, if that makes sense, and thinking that someone needs to just say "Can you bring the ice cream, and the hot dogs."  

It sounds like this is the real issue.

Yes, you absolutely can just tell them.  If they don't cook, ask them to bring wine (if y'all do wine) or to pick up a bakery dessert.

 

[catz]

54 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Do you just tell them what to bring?

I'm annoyed that we have one family who never contributes.  I don't care if they cook something, but I am feeling like they need to carry some of the financial burden, if that makes sense, and thinking that someone needs to just say "Can you bring the ice cream, and the hot dogs."  

Yes!  We definitely do, especially in my husband's family where there are clear givers and takers.  And the takers we've found out are not malicious takers, just clueless.  They will bring stuff without a peep when asked to do so!  ❤️  

[MercyA]

For those who, like me, don't enjoy cooking, I *highly* recommend Marie Callender frozen pies. They always get raves. The fruit ones (except pumpkin) are even vegan! The cream and meringue ones are just thaw and serve and the other ones require baking. 

My husband's family always tells everyone what to bring and it makes things so easy! Usually it's just a category: bring a green salad, a fruit salad, a hot vegetable side, a pie, some cookies, some rolls, etc. The person doing the assigning takes into account who is coming from a distance, who doesn't like to cook, etc. It's not a big deal. 

My saintly mother never wants anyone to bring anything. ❤️ We have to offer and even then we get pushback.

Often at church events we will say "Everyone with last names starting with A-L bring a side; everyone with last names M-Z bring a dessert." And then the church provides the main dish and drinks.

[GracieJane]

28 minutes ago, teachermom2834 said:

I tried to ask for drinks from my non-contributing family (of five big eaters) guests. I had tried various things over the years with varying degrees of pushback/success. One year I thought it was brilliant to ask for them to bring drinks. A few assorted 12 packs of drinks. That way I wouldn’t overbuy for his family trying to make sure everyone had their favorites and it was less to purchase and even load/unload when doing the grocery shopping.

This infuriated guest who said “I’m not going to drive with a 12 pack in my lap. We come. If that’s not good enough we’ll just watch you eat so we are not a burden.” So yeah. I gave up. 

But this was only a 1-2x a year thing. For regular gatherings I would decide on bread or condiments or drinks or dessert or a veggie tray or meat/cheese tray and either let them choose from a list of these simple but useful purchases or I would assign. And then I would decide to accept whatever form the contribution took even if it was a sad veggie tray or low quality bread or whatever. And then I would put the relationship above the food issue and just accept whatever it was or reduce the gatherings. And make darn sure my own kids understand the issue so they can be better adults when it is there turn. 
 

ETA— sorry I didn’t answer the question and took it from the point of view of the host doing all the work. I might be gearing up for Thanksgiving…

If I attended somewhere that I wasn’t comfortable cooking or didnt know what would be well received I would bring wine/drinks, a dessert, nice bread or rolls, an appetizer or a charcuterie type tray and then tell the host to either put it out or put it away for another time when they didn’t want to cook. 
 

 

That is such an odd thing to say. Was there no place in the car to store the drinks but their lap?

[fraidycat]

I don't particularly like to cook. I CAN cook, and am quite decent at it, so I just ask the host what they'd like me to bring.

Often, I'm asked to bring drinks, ice, paper goods, but occasionally I'll be asked to provide a dish. 
 

When I'm hosting** and it's a case where they don't offer, I'd have no problem assigning. "We've got xyz covered, but you can bring the rolls and a gallon of iced tea or lemonade. We'll see you Saturday!"

** I'd rather cook for a crowd because I can serve more options buffet-style with less waste and more people to use up the leftovers.

 

 

[teachermom2834]

2 minutes ago, GracieJane said:

That is such an odd thing to say. Was there no place in the car to store the drinks but their lap?

Well he drives an SUV so I had envisioned he could bring them. Yes, an odd thing to say. From a golden child who just was so offended to be asked to contribute that he tried to turn it around to make me the idiot for making such a ridiculous demand. Then he called my sister with two kids under three yo and asked her to bring the drinks for him.

Sometimes it just is not worth it. 

[HomeAgain]

56 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So, it sounds like your family's culture is like mine, in that we don't really assign.  Would it be easier if things were assigned? 

I don't want to be like Marni with the "this kind of casserole, with this food that no one likes, and lid not tin foil".  But I am wondering if it would be easier if someone just said "Can you bring the hot dogs for the grill and the potato chips" or whatever.  There are lots of things that don't require culinary skills.

I am definitely not the person in the position to be assigning anything, but I could put a bug in someone's ear. 

Yes.  It would be much easier for someone like me.  Even if it was something like Sign Up Genius, where there are some definite needs (12 pack of soda, 3 bags of chips..) and some that have more leeway (side dish, salad - pasta, green, or potato, etc.).  I do so much better when there are definite things and dh does better when he has choice.  In our family we have vegetarian, dairy free, dye free, diabetes, and gall bladder issues.  Finding something that welcomes everyone to eat is a HUGE pressure for me, even if it's not meant to be.  Dh is more the mind of "okay, I'm cooking this and if they like it, great. If not, they miss out."

It's a complicated way of telling everyone I care about them by seeming like I spaced and bringing something they won't eat anyway. 🤣

[Terabith]

I greatly appreciate being assigned things.  I know contributing is expected, and I want to contribute, but I don’t always know what everyone else is bringing.  It’s a HUGE stress relief to be told:  bring the ice and some drinks, or a fruit salad, or rolls, or a bagged salad.  

[regentrude]

I am the one who likes to cook. 
In our extended family, whoever hosts is cooking the entire meal. There is no expected food contribution - guests are invited unconditionally. When I host large gatherings for friends, I do not plan on folks bringing contributions; if they do, it's bonus. 
If I had to tell a non-cook to bring a thing, I would be specific and ask for a pie from the store, or ice cream, or some wine. Everyone is able to buy those. Or fruit. 

Edited October 11, 2021 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, GracieJane said:

That is such an odd thing to say. Was there no place in the car to store the drinks but their lap?

LOL....I was thinking the same thing.  Very strange.  

[Arcadia]

The cooks on my side of the family are all coffee addicts so I just need to make sure coffee doesn’t run out.  For my husband’s side, we (my generation) just bring drinks because my in-laws generation won’t allow us to cook anyway. 
We would always bring some junk snacks and maybe cake for the kids. 

[lauraw4321]

I bring booze, tea, soft drinks, paper goods if appropriate, and rolls (nobody in my family makes homemade rolls anymore, so I’m fine with freezer). 

[J-rap]

My dh and I are from VERY different families.  My family will plan an event, and it just happens.  Someone will say, "I'll bring this," and someone else will say, "I'll bring that."  Then someone will realize something is missing and offer to chip in, and someone else might bring beverages and someone else will offer to pick up a bucket of potato salad at a deli.  It's all thrown together pretty last minute and not everyone brings something to every gathering, and it always seems to work.   There is one family that consistently never brings anything, but they also have a lot of little struggles, so we're just glad they come and let it go.  Maybe we're just lucky that this never seems to be a problem.  We do plan it out more thoroughly for a major holiday.

My dh's family is extremely organized and they'll always have an event "committee chairperson" who will decide what everyone should bring, even for minor gatherings, and they'll email everyone with assignments -- making sure that no one gets away with not bringing anything!  Now and then it feels a little too much 🙂, but it's well-intentioned and it always goes smoothly.

In our family, both ways seem to work!

 

[Pam in CT]

re perspective of those who DO love to cook

10 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I am the one who likes to cook. 
In our extended family, whoever hosts is cooking the entire meal. There is no expected food contribution - guests are invited unconditionally. When I host large gatherings for friends, I do not plan on folks bringing contributions; if they do, it's bonus. 
If I had to tell a non-cook to bring a thing, I would be specific and ask for a pie from the store, or ice cream, or some wine. Everyone is able to buy those. Or fruit. 

Surely some guests ask "what shall I bring?" though?  How do you respond?

 

(I have a couple of friends who LOOOOVE to cook and do it so admirably that TBH I'd be a bit embarrassed to offer up my brownies or hacked pesto-pasta-chicken-salad or whatever.  They inevitably answer "just bring yourselves!" and I heave a great sigh of relief... then bring wine, or chocolate.  Because that is why God created wine, and chocolate.)

[catz]

I do have one SIL who can be a Marni.  She has literally e-mailed recipes and assigned very exact items.  Like she sent my DH a specific bean recipe to eat that literally no one in my family would probably eat normally.  Luckily I wasn't attending that event (one kid had a non movable conflict) and DH just jumped through the hoop. 

She wanted me to make jello for Christmas.  I do not like jello, it is not something I ever make or eat, and it is not a festive holiday thing to me.  It's a church potluck, maybe a kid friendly thing at a summer picnic.  Plus I was entertaining at home on the 24th, so no sorry.  I'll pick up jello cups if you want but I am not making jello.  Anyway, oddly specific!  I'm sure that SIL thinks I am a PITA.  I was willing to double anything I was making on the 24th or at least bring something my family would enjoy.  I would expect to be assigned a side and/or a dessert, cook's choice or something open ended to pick up (like a mix of soda vs. I want a case of diet doctor pepper). Their holiday meals tend to be very basic and highly processed.  None of them actually like to cook.  

I assume you are talking about your IL's?  Would one of the SIL's be willing to be the gentle task master?  It is harder to be that person as an in law,.  I actually don't offer to host our ILs anymore because Marni is a little too much of a control freak and I find it irritating to host 10 adults who complain things like homemade rolls vs. the Pillsbury tube things.  I literally got fired from breadmaking (I used to bring from scratch challah and honey butter) for holidays because that SIL's adult kids prefer Pillsbury crescents.  LOL.  

Edited October 11, 2021 by FuzzyCatz

[regentrude]

11 minutes ago, Pam in CT said:

Surely some guests ask "what shall I bring?" though?  How do you respond?

"You don't have to bring anything, just come. But if you really want to, this is what I'll be preparing (insert short description of theme of meal). Bring whatever you like"

[Pam in CT]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

"You don't have to bring anything, just come. But if you really want to, this is what I'll be preparing (insert short description of theme of meal). Bring whatever you like"

Ah yes.  Thus the divine creation of wine and chocolate.

[marbel]

If I was part of a family group that got together for meals, and everyone contributed except one person/unit, and it bothered the other family members, I would ask another person to nudge them. If no one else was fussed, I would ask other people to bring the things that the non-contributing unit should bring - I would not take it all upon myself. If I was an in-law in this group, I would have my spouse lean on their sibling, or ask a sympathetic in-law to do it. 

It does get old when one unit does not contribute or reciprocate, ever. Of course there can be issues that excuse the person, but almost everyone can bring something.

[rebcoola]

1 hour ago, SeaConquest said:

Wine. Always wine.

This!! occasionally other libations depending on who will be there.  

[Acadie]

My uncle who doesn't cook always brings wine or grocery store bakery pie, cookies, etc, to gatherings where everyone else loves to cook. It's the sweetest thing. 

[Spy Car]

2 hours ago, BaseballandHockey said:

So, it sounds like your family's culture is like mine, in that we don't really assign.  Would it be easier if things were assigned? 

I don't want to be like Marni with the "this kind of casserole, with this food that no one likes, and lid not tin foil".  But I am wondering if it would be easier if someone just said "Can you bring the hot dogs for the grill and the potato chips" or whatever.  There are lots of things that don't require culinary skills.

I am definitely not the person in the position to be assigning anything, but I could put a bug in someone's ear. 

The people who need assignments the most are typically also the ones who benefit psychologically on their end most from having clear orders. Lifts the burdens of uncertainty, indecision, and guilt.

It's a mitzvah. 

Bill

Edited October 11, 2021 by Spy Car

[MooCow]

I am always expected to bring my brownies 😃

[Drama Llama]

. . . . 
 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, BaseballandHockey said:

We gather in some configuration every week, and because of covid, we always get together at the house with the good backyard, and enough bathrooms that families don't have to share.  

I can't see expecting that one family to pay for and prepare enough food for 13 - 20 people every weekend.  

No, cooking for 20 every week would be a lot; people have jobs and lives. I was envisioning occasional things; weekly family reunions aren't anything I am familiar with.

Edited October 11, 2021 by regentrude

[Drama Llama]

. . . .

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[Carol in Cal.]

1 minute ago, BaseballandHockey said:

Right, so we split it up.  

And like I said, she (well they, I'm not being sexist it's just that she's the actual sibling) doesn't need to cook, just bring something. 

 

So…you also get kind of rude/inappropriate dishes sometimes if you push the issue.

I have a family member who is an entitled flake.  You never know whether he will show up, and if so, whether he will bring up to 4 others along or not.  And then he doesn’t bring presents (at Christmas!?!) and acts like a big fat martyr even though his drive is shorter than most others’.  The coup de grace was the year that he brought 3 other half expected people, no presents, and a small green bean casserole—supposedly ‘the vegetable’ for over 20 people.  When I declined to take any, because I don’t much care for it, another family member said, “Oh good, maybe I will get some after all.”  Which pretty well sums up the eye roll attitude that the EF engenders.

I’m more like Regentrude.  When I host, I just host.  I plan on making and serving the entire meal, and if someone offers to bring something I accept with thanks, but if someone brings something I didn’t know about I might or might not put it out.  I regard those things as hostess gifts and that’s that.

In your situation, I’d first consider whether the moocher has a good reason, like less income or 3 jobs schedule or whatever.  If there was no good reason, and everyone else was potlucking, I’d ask him flat out what he was planning to bring next time.  

[Spryte]

I think this has been covered, but here the people who don’t like to cook bring paper goods, drinks, bakery desserts, chips and dips, brownies or cookies from a mix. Wine. Chocolate. Flowers. Sometimes games, depending on the gathering.

[Drama Llama]

. . . 

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[lmrich]

Just a funny - don't assign appetizers to the person who is always late!

Not with my family, but with friends who are like family...we keep things casual on our weekend trips together, basically two couples plan a big brunch and the other two plan dinner.  On Friday nights when we arrive, we all bring appetizers and yummy stuff to eat - lots of dips, wings, meatballs, tacos, etc... it is a great time to try something new. 

 

[Drama Llama]

. . . .

Edited October 26, 2021 by BaseballandHockey

[regentrude]

5 minutes ago, BaseballandHockey said:

She's a SAHM with 4 kids, one of them a nursling. She does find that stressful, but I've got some stressful stuff going on too, you know?  

I'll be honest, I'm frustrated at her for other reasons, and so it's spilling over into this.  

Maybe it is time to take a break from the frequent gatherings if one large family won't pull their weight?
Also, why should the mother have to be the one in charge of food? Men can, too

Edited October 11, 2021 by regentrude