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Anxious/Depressed Teen and Tired Parent Rant

NewIma

By NewIma,
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NewIma

NewIma

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I can't remember the acronym for when you post a rant and don't want advice, but this is that. Dd14 has always been extremely intense and difficult. She has been anxious and explosive from the beginning. She was our first so I didn't realize for a long time that our day to day struggles were so different from other people's. She was put on medication 2 1/2 years ago, usually is seeing a therapist, etc. We now think she has anxiety, depression, and PMDD which takes things from difficult to terrible 10 days a month. It is so freaking exhausting. Daily panic attacks, constant meltdowns, and an intense neediness with me. I try so freaking hard all the time and it feels like things will never get better. I am so worn out but I feel like I can't even talk to my friends about it because it is old news, repetitive, and makes me a drag. I avoid talking to friends sometimes because I have nothing good to say but don't want to pretend things are ok. It feels so freaking unfair that things are so hard. I know the world doesn't work that way, but I feel it anyway. I give her all I have all the time and it is never enough. I don't know how she will ever function on her own and that adds heavily to my guilt and grief. The sort of funny thing is that she is incredibly charming, funny, and extroverted so most people have no idea that she struggles at all or what a hell our life is sometimes. I don't know what I want from this post. I think I just needed to tell some other moms how I am struggling. Thank you for listening and please do not quote.

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freesia

freesia

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The acronym you were looking for is JAWM

It does sound very hard and it is terribly unfair. I am sorry you have to deal with this.  Poor mama and dd.

This is a ray of hope I see (ignore if you don't see this as agreeing with you): "she is incredibly charming,...."  That shows me that she can actually function even with her hard struggles.  I also see how caring and supportive you are.

It helps me when my dc are struggling not to project about the future. It sounds like you are doing all you can and thinking about it doesn't help, right? Any way, that's me.

Can you get away for a break?  Another thing that helps me is going away overnight.  Airbnb has a nice RV on a lake near ds's college that I stay in sometimes.  It clears my head.

(((Hug)))

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mommyoffive

mommyoffive

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Sending some hugs your way.  

Is there a support group for family?  Or talking to a therapist?

I hope you can get away for breaks.  Even just another room, a walk, a nap.  Whatever works for you.  I don't know how hard that is if your dd is homeschooling or going away to school. 

I am sorry you are going through this. 

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OH_Homeschooler

OH_Homeschooler

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I'm so sorry. My 15YO DD has similar struggles and it is very hard. 

I'm sorry if you aren't looking for advice but I have to mention this whenever someone mentions PMDD. My daughter has PMDD (unofficially I suppose, but she was hospitalized twice this year for suicidal ideation--her intakes were one month apart--a few days before her period both times). She was already on an antidepressant but then she started on low-dose birth control in March. It helped me out several years ago for my own PMDD, and there was a big difference when my daughter started. I would absolutely recommend it to anyone dealing with this. (Regular BC always made me crazy-I highly recommend low dose if you choose to look into this).

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WildflowerMom

WildflowerMom

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I'm so sorry.   Vent away.   Ds20 was difficult and he was finally dx'd as bipolar this year.    He is very needy, also.   I have to be there for him anytime he needs me and that sucks the life out of me sometimes.    He is now out of the house, living with roommates, but I still need to be a text message away all the time.     It will get better, but it's hard to believe that when you're in the midst of it.   Big hugs, mama.  💛💛💛

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RootAnn

RootAnn

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2 hours ago, Terabith said:

I'm so sorry.  We have lived this, and it's so hard.  

 

2 hours ago, East Coast Sue said:

I’m sorry that you have so much guilt and stress. I can relate to much of what you shared. Hugs.

Yes to both of these and hugs all around! Exhausting!! And you wish you could be a fairy godmother & wave the magic wand & make it all better for them & help you out, too. 

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NewIma

NewIma

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4 hours ago, OH_Homeschooler said:

I'm so sorry. My 15YO DD has similar struggles and it is very hard. 

I'm sorry if you aren't looking for advice but I have to mention this whenever someone mentions PMDD. My daughter has PMDD (unofficially I suppose, but she was hospitalized twice this year for suicidal ideation--her intakes were one month apart--a few days before her period both times). She was already on an antidepressant but then she started on low-dose birth control in March. It helped me out several years ago for my own PMDD, and there was a big difference when my daughter started. I would absolutely recommend it to anyone dealing with this. (Regular BC always made me crazy-I highly recommend low dose if you choose to look into this).

I am so sorry that your daughter and you are dealing with this too. The dark thoughts and self loathing that come with PMDD are absolutely terrifying. DD's  doctor increased her ssri 6 weeks ago and there has been no improvement. I'm hoping to get her back in next week to discuss birth control. Has the improvement for you dd with the bc lasted? Thank you for sharing. It means a lot.

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NewIma

NewIma

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4 hours ago, WildflowerMom said:

I'm so sorry.   Vent away.   Ds20 was difficult and he was finally dx'd as bipolar this year.    He is very needy, also.   I have to be there for him anytime he needs me and that sucks the life out of me sometimes.    He is now out of the house, living with roommates, but I still need to be a text message away all the time.     It will get better, but it's hard to believe that when you're in the midst of it.   Big hugs, mama.  💛💛💛

Thank you for this encouragement. I really appreciate it hearing stories where it has gotten better, even if there will always be some challenges. Congratulations on all the progress your son has made!

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NewIma

NewIma

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2 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I could’ve written this post 5 yes ago about my dd.

 

I get it.

it’s so hard and I’m sorry. Do you have a therapist?

Is your dd doing better now? I am starting to think a therapist for me would be a good idea. Maybe even necessary at this point...

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fairfarmhand

fairfarmhand

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3 hours ago, NewIma said:

Is your dd doing better now? I am starting to think a therapist for me would be a good idea. Maybe even necessary at this point...

Yes. She’s 23 and married to a really good guy. Her coming of age was dreadful. Ages from 18-21 we’re the pits. But we got through it. 
 

the therapist for me was a lot of sorting through what was my responsibility what was my dds responsibility and what was reasonable boundaries for my own health. It was hugely helpful for me.

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SKL

SKL

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I can relate somewhat.  Including the way much of it is invisible to outsiders, and how it makes us more alone.

The other day I was talking to a friend I haven't seen since pre-Covid.  I was saying how hard it is to know the right thing to do, how it's all the time.  She has other issues but can also relate.  It was helpful even though we didn't get into specifics.

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Soror

Soror

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(hugs)

Hormones have been a HUGE issue here. BC has been more helpful than anything else but they didn't want to stay on it at first and we didn't initially try it for the mood issues but period issues. 

I'm not a fan of bc and don't take it myself. But if subsequent kiddos have the same issue I will be looking into it much sooner and pressing it more. Whatever the side effects are WAY more preferable than without.

I really get being tired of sharing. I've reached that point. Tired of just bad news and drama. 

It seems we've finally turned a corner with kid back on bc again. I think. I hope. It isn't all smooth and perfect. But it is not catastrophe zone every minute and seems to be on the upward trend. 

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OH_Homeschooler

OH_Homeschooler

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17 hours ago, NewIma said:

Oops, probably didn't want me to quote this either.

The self-loathing is awful. She would just come out of nowhere and say "You're ashamed of me." Not as a question, or like she was looking for reassurance. It was this cold, hard statement of fact. Of course I tried to reassure her anyway but it never did any good and often resulted in a fight. 

So far the improvement from BC has lasted. This past week was the first time in 6 months where I was like whoa, not liking this. I am hoping it was a temporary thing due to the stress of starting school again and she will adjust by next month. Her BC is not the same as mine, and she still has a week of placebos each month. My BC only has 2 days of placebos, so if next month is bad for her again I will ask if she can switch to the one I take. I know that taking BC continuously and skipping the placebos is an option as well. 

Good luck, I hope you and DD get some relief. 

 

Edited by OH_Homeschooler
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cintinative

cintinative

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I'm so sorry @Newlma.  I have found that medication and regular exercise plus counseling are essential for my PMDD. It was far worse when I was younger though, and I agree, very scary. Prayers for your daughter.  It's awful to feel so out of control like that, and yet so helpless to change it.

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Janeway

Janeway

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We have so much going on here too. And there is no help. Yesterday, we got a call from the police that our son was suicidal and had a plan, he told this to another teen. Ok. Went to his bedroom and he had disappeared. The cops acted angry toward me as if I put them out. My husband does his usual stay away bit so I am on my own. The police search for him and we eventually find him. They give him a talking to and then tell me he is fine and go on their way. He is not fine at all. He got his SAT scores today and they went up 70 points! I tried telling him but he just lies in bed, miserable, unable to function. There is NOTHING I can do. This is it. This is his life. 

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NewIma

NewIma

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9 hours ago, OH_Homeschooler said:

The self-loathing is awful. She would just come out of nowhere and say "You're ashamed of me." Not as a question, or like she was looking for reassurance. It was this cold, hard statement of fact. Of course I tried to reassure her anyway but it never did any good and often resulted in a fight. 

So far the improvement from BC has lasted. This past week was the first time in 6 months where I was like whoa, not liking this. I am hoping it was a temporary thing due to the stress of starting school again and she will adjust by next month. Her BC is not the same as mine, and she still has a week of placebos each month. My BC only has 2 days of placebos, so if next month is bad for her again I will ask if she can switch to the one I take. I know that taking BC continuously and skipping the placebos is an option as well. 

Good luck, I hope you and DD get some relief. 

 

Yes, We've had our dd say very similar things to both of us and defense on our part  quickly escalates the situation. Her whole perspective becomes completely twisted around. I'm so glad to hear about the bc and hope your dd resets as school settles in and this is just a hiccup.

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NewIma

NewIma

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8 hours ago, Janeway said:

We have so much going on here too. And there is no help. Yesterday, we got a call from the police that our son was suicidal and had a plan, he told this to another teen. Ok. Went to his bedroom and he had disappeared. The cops acted angry toward me as if I put them out. My husband does his usual stay away bit so I am on my own. The police search for him and we eventually find him. They give him a talking to and then tell me he is fine and go on their way. He is not fine at all. He got his SAT scores today and they went up 70 points! I tried telling him but he just lies in bed, miserable, unable to function. There is NOTHING I can do. This is it. This is his life. 

I am so sorry Janeway.  It is so terrifying and heartbreaking and we really can't fix it. Holding you all in my thoughts.

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NewIma

NewIma

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Thank you all so much for sharing your struggles. Today was another terrible day with her having an extremely disruptive panic attack during Friday night services and we had to take her out. Everything just feels like s#$@ but I keep rereading your messages and holding on to that. It means so much. Thank you.

 

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PeterPan

PeterPan

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It's very hard to do, but one of the tips for dealing with hard behaviors is not to take it personally (behavior is communication, not just being bad) and to have a plan.

So for what you can't make better soon, you need to have a plan, an escape hatch if you will. If she feels something happening, she can do xyz early, when it's yellow zone, and she doesn't have to sit there struggling till it's all the way to red zone and a huge problem. If she's getting those signals (the interoception=self awareness piece), then she has to be encouraged/allowed to problem solve early.

Once the body is stressed, that adrenalin kicks in (which the norepinephrine, the N of an SNRI, is not there to calm down) and the body goes into fright/flight. At that point problem solving is GONE, which is why it's so huge. We want to catch it *before* it gets there. So if it's you catching her yellow zone or her, that's the goal.

It's very very hard, and it's ok to have a safety plan while you work on the chemistry. You'll get there. 

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