Help me work through the pros and cons of this

[HomeAgain]

Whatever we end up doing will be our decision, but my head is spinning right now.

MIL texted dh this morning and wants the youngest (9yo) to come visit for a week or so this summer.  Now for all the background:

-she has not actively sought out a relationship with this child.  The last (only) time she was interested in getting to know him was when he was 4 or 5 and was her sole visit to us.  She chooses not to call, hangs up on the kids, or forgets about them.

-he has some quirks.  He is also pretty energetic for his age and has a tendency to have his mother's mouth. LOL  Neither of us put up with anyone else's BS.

Aside from all that...I really do want him to get to know his extended family (they all live right there).  We are considering a compromise of a single weekend this spring because I will already be in town visiting others. 

Oh, and did I mention MIL hates me?  Because I called her out on making my kids feel like crud.  And since travel falls into my responsibilities for the most part, she'd get to spend time with lovely ol' me.  So there is that.

[MaBelle]

6 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

Aside from all that...I really do want him to get to know his extended family (they all live right there).  We are considering a compromise of a single weekend this spring because I will already be in town visiting others. 

So take him with you and they can see how a visit goes.  Not a spend the night or weekend, just a visit.  

Although I would just say no.   I don't have time for people who hate me.

[mlktwins]

Just now, MaBelle said:

Although I would just say no.   I don't have time for people who hate me.

Word!!!

[HomeAgain]

1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

Are there holiday visits?  Like everyone gathers at Grandmas for Christmas dinner or something?  Does she send birthday cards or gifts?  Has he had ANY contact with her in the last 4 years?

Not really.  I mean, there are because everyone lives in town.  Not us.  Timeline for the past few years
Thanksgiving 2016: said she'd call them back, didn't, because she was spending the day with the extended family.
Christmas 2016: 5 minutes when the boys called her
Birthday: ds called her like usual.  She had established years before that she should not be responsible for remembering his birthday because we lived too far away.
Thanksgiving 2017: told dh really loudly she did NOT want to talk to the kids and they heard her.  I sent her a message that ticked her off after that.
Christmas 2017: ignored (we had invited the entire clan here for Christmas, but none were able to make it)
DS's birthday: she was still mad
Thanksgiving 2018: ignored.
Christmas 2018: ignored.
DS's birthday: texted dh after bedtime and said she'd call ds the next day because she had spent the day with extended family.  Didn't call.

DH calls every holiday, we send gifts each year, and I make sure flowers are sent on mother's day.  But since she seemed disinterested in a relationship, we gave up pushing any sort.  We dropped ds from the obligation of calling, we've been in town yearly, and we've kept him from knowing any of the drama other than what she shows him. 

[mlktwins]

Honestly, I would not do that to my kid and I would be suspicious of her motives.  I'm sorry about your situation though!!!

A short visit with me or DH there, yes.  Leaving them alone, nope!

[mommyoffive]

3 minutes ago, mlktwins said:

Honestly, I would not do that to my kid and I would be suspicious of her motives.  I'm sorry about your situation though!!!

A short visit with me or DH there, yes.  Leaving them alone, nope!

 

I agree with this.

[Storygirl]

I wouldn't leave my kids alone with someone under those circumstances, especially for an entire week. But I do think it's a nice step to take him to see her on that weekend that you will be in town. It's possible that things will go better in person than they do on the phone. If they do, and you want to improve the relationship, it would be a start. And if things don't go better in person, then you will know.

Even if the in-person visit goes well, I would not plan for a week-long visit. Too much too soon.

[Storygirl]

I do think that saying no will be tricky. You could, of course, just say no and let her be angry. But if you don't want her to be angry, you will need to think carefully about how to phrase the refusal. Perhaps your son is not ready for week-long sleep overs in general, for example, so that the refusal is couched as "he is not ready." No one really is ready for what she proposes, so it's not untrue.

[Kidlit]

No way would I send my kid alone—only with my or my dh’s supervision.

[HomeAgain]

2 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

I do think that saying no will be tricky. You could, of course, just say no and let her be angry. But if you don't want her to be angry, you will need to think carefully about how to phrase the refusal. Perhaps your son is not ready for week-long sleep overs in general, for example, so that the refusal is couched as "he is not ready." No one really is ready for what she proposes, so it's not untrue.

See, I lean toward that, but he will be going to a week long sleepover summer camp.  The difference being that it's camp, and organized, and very close to home, and well, I don't have lesser opinions of those in charge.  I don't think that she's a bad person.  My oldest has lovely memories of her due to us putting in a lot of effort on that relationship.  She is decent with kids when she wants to be.  But she did some things that I found to be relationship killing and hurt my husband, which started all the deterioration.  And I don't think a jump off a cliff is an appropriate baby step to make in repairing the relationships.

My stomach is very tight right now but I'm trying to be objective about this all.

[gardenmom5]

I wouldn't send a nine year old by himself under these circumstances.  either you all go, or she comes to you.

 

[gardenmom5]

2 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

See, I lean toward that, but he will be going to a week long sleepover summer camp.  The difference being that it's camp, and organized, and very close to home, and well, I don't have lesser opinions of those in charge.  I don't think that she's a bad person.  My oldest has lovely memories of her due to us putting in a lot of effort on that relationship.  She is decent with kids when she wants to be.  But she did some things that I found to be relationship killing and hurt my husband, which started all the deterioration.  And I don't think a jump off a cliff is an appropriate baby step to make in repairing the relationships.

My stomach is very tight right now but I'm trying to be objective about this all.

she doesn't have to be a bad person to have inappropriate interactions with him, especially if he has quirks.  at camp there are multiple adults, but she's family.  tough time with family can have a bigger impact.

if you do end up sending him, make sure he is able to call you when HE wants - and without her ability to prevent him calling.

[SKL]

I would want to start with a nice long daytime visit.  If that goes well, maybe one overnight.  Start working on diplomatic ways to explain why he can't stay longer under the current circumstances.  Maybe someday when he is a little older.

[SKL]

9 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

See, I lean toward that, but he will be going to a week long sleepover summer camp.  The difference being that it's camp, and organized, and very close to home, and well, I don't have lesser opinions of those in charge.  I don't think that she's a bad person.  My oldest has lovely memories of her due to us putting in a lot of effort on that relationship.  She is decent with kids when she wants to be.  But she did some things that I found to be relationship killing and hurt my husband, which started all the deterioration.  And I don't think a jump off a cliff is an appropriate baby step to make in repairing the relationships.

My stomach is very tight right now but I'm trying to be objective about this all.

Stress the close to home part as to why the week-long summer camp is OK.  Believe me, there are times when you have to go pick up a 9yo and bring him/her home in the middle of the week.  I have a 12yo whom I still won't send far away for more than a couple nights, because she is not ready.

[NorthwestMom]

Too many red flags. I agree that there should be a short visit with a parent first. A challenging grandparent and a kid with quirks does not predict a healthy interaction. 

[Tanaqui]

I don't see very many pros at all.

[Bootsie]

Is there anyway you can hold off on making a decision about the summer, take him with you for the weekend this spring, and then evaluate how the summer might go?

Would there be any extended family in the area that you would be comfortable with him staying with who might be willing to host him this summer so he could spend time with his grandmother?

I understand your hesitance; my children had grandparent who was not very responsive.  Now, the kids are young adults and they do not have a close relationship with the grandparent.  The grandparent doesn't seem to understand why they don't feel a close bond now that she is ready for a relationship.  While I can see that it is her fault for not showing interest when they were younger, I do wish, for my kids' sake, that they had a closer relationship with a grandparent.  

[Jaz]

Nope!

[Storygirl]

My in-laws are lovely people and are very sweet and caring toward my children when they see them. When my children were little, they would invite them over to spend time with them. It was never as much as I would have liked (I spent a lot of time with my own grandparents when I was growing up), but they made some effort in person. They have never made an effort to connect with the kids on the phone, which has created more distance in their relationship as my children have gotten older.

Now, part of this is my responsibility and my DH's. I personally have phone phobia and avoid calling anyone, including the in-laws. Could we reach out more to connect them with the kids? Yes, sure!

But my real point is that I don't think you can judge how much someone cares by whether they call or not. Some people are just terrible with the phone and longer distances, but they still care. It doesn't excuse that she dropped the ball in the past so many times, of course.

If there are issues between you and your husband and your MIL that are just between the three of you, I think you can find ways to encourage the relationship with your son to be closer, even if you do not want a closer relationship with her. If you think she is toxic, of course, this is a bad idea. But it doesn't sound like you think that.

I think if you can find a way around the stumbling blocks and help DS and his grandmother have a closer relationship, that would be lovely and a life-long gift for both of them. There may be reasons that you don't want to do that, but since she had a good relationship with your older child, it seems it may be possible for the younger one, as well.

I'm just throwing thoughts out there. Only you know the dynamic and whether it might be safe or unsafe. It sounds like you are unsure about that.

Regardless, I'll repeat that I don't think a week-long stay is the way to start, if you do want to try to build the relationship.

[kbutton]

I have a weird MIL that I don't have a good relationship with and quirky kids. They are not sheltered from the weirdness of the situation. They do love her and enjoy spending time with her. But they don't do it alone. Ever.

She is toxic to some extent. She's definitely a bit dangerous--making impulsive decisions that can have immediate negative consequences due to an over-sized fear of something both unlikely and very distant into the future. I can honestly say she put my kids in life-threatening situations when they were toddlers--one time she did so while I was in the shower. 15 minutes! It was insane.

My kids have even suggested ways to deal with the weird, lol! They have good ideas.

It's not impossible for the kids to have a relationship with her even if things are weird. You don't have to let her have your kid for a week to foster that relationship.

I had mostly local grandparents, so I had more frequent small exposures, but I was privy to much of the drama and crap that went on (even some of the historic drama and yuck), and I still loved my grandparents and had a pretty close relationship with them. 

[mlktwins]

1 hour ago, HomeAgain said:

Because I called her out on making my kids feel like crud.  

You did this for a reason!!!  I would not do it.  I would also not coddle her and tiptoe around her with other excuses.  I would just say that doesn't work for you and move on.  Sorry...but like a PP said, I don't have time or energy in my life for stuff like this or people that hate me.  She has created the situation, she can deal with it.  

 

[Bambam]

Questions:

Does MIL live alone or is there a FIL?  If there is a decent and helpful FIL, I'd be more inclined to let him spend a night (maybe). 

What other relatives are in town? Are they all older adults or are there cousins as well? Could he stay with one of them vs. MIL? Could he spend one night with MIL and the rest of the time with other relatives?

So you've been in the same town as MIL while visiting other relatives, and MIL makes NO effort to try to see you, talk with ds, etc? 

What are your husband's thoughts? 

Your son is 9, correct? Does he have any opinion or thoughts? 

How far away does MIL live?

She has said she will do things before and then not followed through. Does she apologize for these forgetful episodes or does she ignore them and go on as normal? Does she have any memory issues? And ... if you agree to any plan where he spends *any* time there, is she likely to back out/forget/get to busy spending time with "extended family" to actually fulfill that commitment? 

Personally, I'd be hesitant. I'd be wondering why all of sudden does she want to get to know this child. Has she recently received bad news health-wise? Has she had friends/relatives roughly the same age recently die and so she is feeling her mortality and she wants to get to know her grandson? Personally, I don't think spending time for just one week in 10 years is going to establish much of a relationship between ds and his relatives in MIL's town. You need more continued contact that with. Plus soon he will be a teen, and he will be busy and not have time (and possibly interest) to work on those relationships. 

And given her past behavior, I'd have trouble allowing my innocent and powerless 9 year old to stay with her. If I stayed there too, maybe fine. If not, probably not. But I'm not that big on thinking my kids need to have relationships with relatives who have shown zero interest in getting to know them. It isn't HER responsibility to remember his birthday? Huh. Exactly how many grandchildren does she have? Is it her responsibility to call you to remind you of her birthday and Mother's day? (okay, I'll stop being snarky now, but she doesn't sound like a lady I'd like to spend time with)

Edited March 1, 2019 by Bambam

[marbel]

If this were me, I would have my husband call his mother to discuss her reasons for suddenly wanting a week-long visit with a kid she doesn't even want to talk to on the phone.  

No matter what the answer, though, I would be disinclined to agree to such a visit.  Maybe Dad could take him for a visit sometime (since you've said she hates you). I understand what you said about travel being your responsibility, but it is your husband's family.  How does he feel your son getting to know his side of the family?  I'm guessing it's just his side that lives there, but maybe your side too?

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Frankly, I don't even understand why there is any hesitation at all in saying no.  I would propose an alternative, perhaps, she could come to you for a 3 day weekend instead.  She will almost certainly say no, and then you can wash your hands of the whole affair.  

[PeterPan]

2 hours ago, HomeAgain said:

wants the youngest (9yo) to come visit for a week or so this summer.

Has your ds done this with anyone else? What kind of supports does he need to feel comfortable? 

Like Monica in Switzerland I don't know why this is even on the table. He has his own needs and his needs need to be met. She has no clue what they are because she has no relationship with him. Therefore he would not be safe, therefore he cannot go. She can come and visit.

[alisoncooks]

Not a chance. With that family history, we'd have to build up to it. (day visit with parent, then day visit without parent, etc). A week!? Nope. 

[gardenmom5]

you don't need to overthink saying no.

 

I'm so sorry, that won't work.  "why"?  because it won't work.  rinse, repeat.

if you want, you can add "that's nice of you to invite him, but it won't work this year."

do not give an excuse.   I know many people feel they need to give one - but it is seen as a wedge in the door for them to beat you down.  so, don't give an excuse.

if she's going to be offended, she'll likely take offense at anything you say.  she's an adult and should be capable of handling herself, your child is nine - and *he* is *your* responsibility.  your child's needs need to come first.

[bolt.]

It sounds like he doesn't know her well enough to spend a week alone with her this summer. After all, they barely even talk.

Would she, maybe, like to spend some time with him in the meantime -- and then you and DH could consider some form of staying over for next summer?

[Garga]

2 hours ago, Monica_in_Switzerland said:

Frankly, I don't even understand why there is any hesitation at all in saying no.  I would propose an alternative, perhaps, she could come to you for a 3 day weekend instead.  She will almost certainly say no, and then you can wash your hands of the whole affair.  

 

Exactly this.  Exactly.

When I was 9 years old, my parents sent me to visit my grandparents.  I have no idea why.  My grandparents were abusive to my dad when he was growing up and had been mean to my mother for their entire relationship and they had displayed no interest in me. 

I stayed about a week.  On the ride from the airport through the Colorado mountains, I got carsick and puked and my grandmother yelled at me for it.  (They'd fed me a giant bowl of cream of mushroom soup at a restaurant as soon as the plane landed.)  The only thing they gave me to do was to play on their exercise bike and pet their old dog.  When I visited their real estate business, they let me type on the typewriter.  I asked my grandfather to take me fishing and he said he would.  The last day I was there, we got in the truck and drove around and then he said, "Whoops.  Looks like I forgot the fishing poles."  He bought me ice cream and we went back home.  

Otherwise, I just sat in their house drawing pictures on the paper I'd brought for the plane ride.  One night there was a movie on tv and I got excited to finally have something to watch and said, "Oh, I've seen that!" and they turned it off saying, "Well, you've already seen it."

And just for fun: my father had been married to someone else  before my mother.  His wife cheated on him and had a baby while he was deployed while in the navy.  They invited her to the house when I was visiting there and introduced the little girl to me as my sister.  

So.....all of that might color my opinion. (!)  I've certainly never forgotten that visit!!!  it's stamped in my memory for all time.  🙂  I wasn't hurt by it because I was a pragmatic kid, but I wasn't happy about it.  I knew my grandparents sucked and just figured, "Wow.  They suck worse than I'd even realized!"  Overall, I do not think it's a good idea to send a 9 yo child to a hostile grandparent.  Invite grandma to your house instead.  Don't give reasons.  "Oh, what a lovely invitation, but the kids don't go on vacations without us.  You are welcome to come here for a long weekend so you can see Junior, though!"

Edited March 1, 2019 by Garga

[Farrar]

I'm confused about why she's even asking for this considering the previous contact and lack of interest.

If you want to leave room for the relationship to grow, I agree about visiting with him later in the spring when you're going anyway. And I'd tell her that you'd love for her to get to know him over the course of the next year by being in closer contact and that you'd be open to  re-evaluating then. But I'd feel completely comfortable saying that I didn't feel good about sending a kid who didn't even know her at all to stay with her. If she actually acts like a grandma for the next year and shows she wants him there, I think I actually would be willing to send him for a long weekend if he wanted to go. I have a hunch she won't, of course.

[ScoutTN]

4 hours ago, mlktwins said:

Honestly, I would not do that to my kid and I would be suspicious of her motives.  I'm sorry about your situation though!!!

A short visit with me or DH there, yes.  Leaving them alone, nope!

This! 

[Pen]

42 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I'm confused about why she's even asking for this considering the previous contact and lack of interest.

If you want to leave room for the relationship to grow, I agree about visiting with him later in the spring when you're going anyway. And I'd tell her that you'd love for her to get to know him over the course of the next year by being in closer contact and that you'd be open to  re-evaluating then. But I'd feel completely comfortable saying that I didn't feel good about sending a kid who didn't even know her at all to stay with her. If she actually acts like a grandma for the next year and shows she wants him there, I think I actually would be willing to send him for a long weekend if he wanted to go. I have a hunch she won't, of course.

 

I agree with this.

 I see no pros to having a 9yo spend a week with a  person who is basically a stranger (even if a relative) in these circumstances.  

 

The only other option I can think of is if an older child who already has a good relationship with her and the 9yo were to visit her together perhaps for shorter duration visit — if the older child could be in charge of the 9 yo ‘s well being, and if an escape hatch home were available. 

[Acadie]

Here's one possible motivation, though of course I don't know your MIL, so I'm just throwing this out FWIW.

Sometimes uninvolved grandparents see friends who have warm, close relationships with their grandchildren, and wonder why they're not having sleepovers and games and trips with their own, even if they've never had either the desire or emotional skills to develop a relationship. But it looks good to be that warm, fun kind of grandparent, and of course they're a great person, so why isn't it happening? So they try, in a superficial way, to decrease the cognitive dissonance between an inflated self image and the reality of distant or nonexistent relationships--just scheduling a sleepover or trip, for example, without actually knowing or caring about the child or their needs.

In other words, an invitation like this can be a way for grandparents to serve their own egos. Which, of course, makes it a bad idea for the child, if the grandparent doesn't have their best interests, and a genuine desire to know them, at heart. 

I definitely wouldn't send a child for a week in this situation, and I wouldn't suggest it might happen in the future, either. I would probably make an effort to see these grandparents when you're in town anyway, just in case this is coming from a warmer and more genuine interest in developing a relationship with the child. But their treatment of you makes me skeptical that the primary motivation is to nurture supportive and healthy family relationships. 

Amy

[HomeAgain]

3 hours ago, Bambam said:

Questions:

Does MIL live alone or is there a FIL?  If there is a decent and helpful FIL, I'd be more inclined to let him spend a night (maybe). 

What other relatives are in town? Are they all older adults or are there cousins as well? Could he stay with one of them vs. MIL? Could he spend one night with MIL and the rest of the time with other relatives?

So you've been in the same town as MIL while visiting other relatives, and MIL makes NO effort to try to see you, talk with ds, etc? 

What are your husband's thoughts? 

Your son is 9, correct? Does he have any opinion or thoughts? 

How far away does MIL live?

She has said she will do things before and then not followed through. Does she apologize for these forgetful episodes or does she ignore them and go on as normal? Does she have any memory issues? And ... if you agree to any plan where he spends *any* time there, is she likely to back out/forget/get to busy spending time with "extended family" to actually fulfill that commitment? 

Personally, I'd be hesitant. I'd be wondering why all of sudden does she want to get to know this child. Has she recently received bad news health-wise? Has she had friends/relatives roughly the same age recently die and so she is feeling her mortality and she wants to get to know her grandson? Personally, I don't think spending time for just one week in 10 years is going to establish much of a relationship between ds and his relatives in MIL's town. You need more continued contact that with. Plus soon he will be a teen, and he will be busy and not have time (and possibly interest) to work on those relationships. 

And given her past behavior, I'd have trouble allowing my innocent and powerless 9 year old to stay with her. If I stayed there too, maybe fine. If not, probably not. But I'm not that big on thinking my kids need to have relationships with relatives who have shown zero interest in getting to know them. It isn't HER responsibility to remember his birthday? Huh. Exactly how many grandchildren does she have? Is it her responsibility to call you to remind you of her birthday and Mother's day? (okay, I'll stop being snarky now, but she doesn't sound like a lady I'd like to spend time with)

I'm going to try to answer all this:
There is a FIL.  He had medical issues this winter but is currently stable and getting back to normal.  MIL wouldn't call dh so his sister played intermediary.

There are lots of cousins and relatives in town.  The MIL has a good relationship with all ds's cousins from that side. I think there are..11 total, apart from mine. No, I wouldn't feel comfortable with ds going to any of their houses either.  He doesn't know them.  We are in town in the spring to visit his other cousins (my sister's family).  My sister is the only person who has even kept this child for an overnight and that's because she's like his other mother.  MIL has made no effort before this.  I have invited dh's siblings/kids with us on outings when we're in town only to have the invitations declined.
 
DH and I had a nasty fight over it.  I am emotionally drained right now.  We never fight.  At first he was as stunned as I was, but when I expressed my concerns later he took that as an attack on the character of his mother and equating her with the trustworthiness of a drug dealer, which meant our argument ended with me saying "you've stated why it's a good idea and you've belittled my concerns.  I'm not interested in a discussion until you can either help me work through them or come up with a better idea that acknowledges them."  So, uh, we're not really discussing this right now.  My sister was horrified at the idea when I called her and suggested the compromise of letting MIL have him over/out for a meal.  Given that's one of his quirks, it may just be the last time she asks. LOL

We have not told ds.  We do not intend to until we have hashed out details and firmness, and then let him make the final decision based on options we are comfortable with.

I'll be making a 13 hour drive each way.  It's probably less without traffic, but we go through 3 major cities to get there.

But it's nice to know I'm not the only one who thinks it's crazy that they have to call her.  DH says I'm projecting my own warped family-ness on their relationship.  I'm like, nah...my family is all warped in their own way.  I'm looking specifically at the lack of relationship and actively pushing away ds that your mother does and my stomach is going in knots.

[HomeAgain]

3 hours ago, PeterPan said:

Has your ds done this with anyone else? What kind of supports does he need to feel comfortable? 

Like Monica in Switzerland I don't know why this is even on the table. He has his own needs and his needs need to be met. She has no clue what they are because she has no relationship with him. Therefore he would not be safe, therefore he cannot go. She can come and visit.

Only with my sister.  They lived next door to us at one point so the kids were always back and forth between houses.  Ds is very into routine.  He is not a hugely emotionally invested kid, but he likes certain things certain ways.  Food is a big issue.  He ate a sandwich for the first time last year, so yay.  We're still working on other foods that are common.  He's also at that lovely 9yo stage of being right about everything.   There are some days he's like a young Sheldon on sugar.  For him to be comfortable, he'd need:
-a top sheet on the bed
-plain whole milk greek yogurt, honey, and a banana
-a schedule of events
-facetime
-his notebook, water cup, and his nightlight

Which sounds trivial, doesn't it?  But that's assuming that he would accept going over there in the first place.

For me to be comfortable, I would need:
-more (any) phone calls/facetime to him or about him between now and then.
-her to unblock me on facebook (she *really* did not like that message I sent her!) AND call me/text me to set up details.  DH will be in a whole other state soon and I'm not playing phone tag.
-a serious effort to get to know him or be nice to him.
-oldest ds going with him, but he has his own life (he's 20)
-no pushing for more than 1.5 days/1 night at most.  I'd like to start with an outing or something small.  I'm willing to compromise to an overnight if concerns are negated.
-for dh to understand that this is a hard decision and it has nothing to do with his mother's character, but the fact that this child does not know her. 

[PeterPan]

4 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

For him to be comfortable, he'd need:
-a top sheet on the bed
-plain whole milk greek yogurt, honey, and a banana
-a schedule of events
-facetime
-his notebook, water cup, and his nightlight

Which sounds trivial, doesn't it? 

Not to quibble, but those are only the PHYSICAL things he'd need. He also needs someone who respects his need for routine, who isn't going to be a lot of change from what he's used to, who makes foods the way he's used to and can eat, and who can handle his rigidity and whatever behaviors he has when things AREN'T routine. 

I don't put my ds with someone who cannot handle the behaviors he has when he has problems. So your ds is pretty straightforward in his routine, with food he can tolerate, with people he's used to. But what happens if you plunk him in a different place WITHOUT ALL THE SUPPORTS you've been giving him? With those gone, it sounds like he's going to be extremely stressed and possibly have behaviors.

6 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

that's assuming that he would accept going over there in the first place.

I have this theory on the personal protectiveness of kids. We spend a lot of time telling them not to listen to their bodies and what they know about themselves, and then we put them in counseling and mindfulness sessions and say listen to yourself and self-advocate. Just the fact that you THINK he'd probably not want to go is pretty telling. It could mean he's perceiving he wouldn't have the supports to feel his best and be his best.

An experience like that, going into a stressful situation without enough supports, can be stressful and have consequences that last for WEEKS or longer. It can result in abuse frankly. What happens if this adult, who has a bad track record of child care and problem solving, is faced with challenging behaviors from a possibly diagnosable child who has been placed under severe (to them) stress and is having meltdowns? That's how abuse happens. It can literally be unsafe. 

I would put my dc in with a TOTAL STRANGER who was trained to meet his needs sooner than I would put him in with an unprepared relative.

[Pen]

29 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

.  MIL wouldn't call dh so his sister played intermediary.

 

? Why not call dh?

[HomeAgain]

Just now, Pen said:

 

? Why not call dh?

She was still mad I called her out on being cruddy to the kids.  So she wouldn't talk to dh, either.

[PeterPan]

31 minutes ago, HomeAgain said:

when I expressed my concerns later he took that as an attack on the character of his mother

Yeah, this is all going downhill. You probably want to just let this drop for a month. Meanwhile has he had evals so that you have a professional to talk with about how to handle it? When both of the parents are onboard with the needs of the dc, this becomes pretty straightforward. In reality, it has less to do with your unstable MIL than it has to do with the needs of your ds. Your ds has unique needs for stability, co-regulation, sensory environment, etc. that must be respected. I wouldn't make it about the MIL at all. He's not ready, thanks, but you're welcome to come over it. Definitely don't lay into the sainted MIL.

[PeterPan]

1 minute ago, HomeAgain said:

She was still mad I called her out on being cruddy to the kids.  So she wouldn't talk to dh, either.

Then she can't possibly think you're actually going to send your dc over to her house. I mean, that's absurd. It's almost like she's trolling you, trying to pick fights or something. You might want to let the whole thing DROP. 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Quote

 

If she can't be trusted to be decent to you or even contact your husband, then 9 is way too little for a solo visit.

Let him go at 18, if he wants to, when he can drive himself the heck out of there if/when it gets weird.

[Shoeless]

I would not send my child.  I have a kid like this, (a young Sheldon, indeed), and he has grandparents that are... lacking, to say the least, (and that includes my own parents). 

I don't think you are mean, unfair, or wrong for objecting to this. She has made a weird request and her motive for it likely has little to do with getting to know your kiddo better.  Maybe her ego needs stroking or maybe she doesn't really want to see him but wants it to look like she is trying to have a relationship, (and then you conveniently become the fall guy when you decline the request).  Who knows?  

What I do know is your kiddo isn't a pizza she can order up because she is feeling a bit peckish.  It really grinds my gears when grandparents treat the kids like commodities that can summoned and dismissed.  That's not how you People!  

I mean seriously, she blocked you on FB, is cruddy to the kid, doesn't talk to her son, is weird about communication but wants your son for a week?! Absolutely not.

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, gardenmom5 said:

you don't need to overthink saying no.

 

I'm so sorry, that won't work.  "why"?  because it won't work.  rinse, repeat.

if you want, you can add "that's nice of you to invite him, but it won't work this year."

do not give an excuse.   I know many people feel they need to give one - but it is seen as a wedge in the door for them to beat you down.  so, don't give an excuse.

if she's going to be offended, she'll likely take offense at anything you say.  she's an adult and should be capable of handling herself, your child is nine - and *he* is *your* responsibility.  your child's needs need to come first.

 

Yes! This is exactly what you should say!!!

And then put it out of your mind and forget about it. Don’t get stressed over this. Your only responsibility is to your child. Your MIL may have the best of intentions, but that doesn’t matter, and you shouldn’t feel guilty about saying no, nor do you owe her a detailed excuse.

[Terabith]

Not just a no.  That's a hell no situation.  I don't say that lightly.  But she's actively rebuffed any relationship with him for his entire life (or at least all of his remembered life), she doesn't like you, and now she suddenly wants him to come for a week????  That's insane.  I would NEVER send my kids to stay at the house of someone they don't know, even if I had a great relationship with them.  I'm very suspicious of her motives.  I wouldn't make this tricky.  I would just say no, that isn't possible.  Honestly, if she gets pushy, I would say, "Because you have no relationship with him!"

Edited March 1, 2019 by Terabith

[Katy]

I'd be like, "Absolutely not.  You have had no relationship with this child, and that has been a lack of effort on YOUR part.  Never going to happen."

[katilac]

Absolutely not.  And don't give reasons like he's too young or doesn't have the time this summer; while that may be true, it's also not really why you don't want him to go. Don't kick the can down the road and have this conversation again and again. She's going to sniff your reluctance out like it was blood in the water and ask repeatedly as time goes by (particularly because she will know you don't want to say yes). You don't need that kind of stress and annoyance in your life, give the big no and move on. And I'm saying you rather than your dh because it doesn't sound to me like he would ever actually do the big no. 

Is it all kinds of hard and awkward? Yeah, sure it is, but then it's done. 

I also call shenanigans on the idea of you bringing your ds to visit with her for the weekend or whatever. Um, no, the person she has blocked on Facebook is not the person who gets the privilege of doing that, lol. If your dh thinks it's such a great idea for your son to spend time with her then he can drive him on up there - I mean, it is his mother, he should be visiting her also! 

[maize]

I wouldn't send any nine year old to spend a week with a grandparent who had not only made no effort in the past to develop a meaningful relationship with them but who also seems to have a proclivity towards relationship drama.

If giving him an opportunity to get to know the extended family is a priority find another way to make that happen.

[Peaceseeker]

Here is an easy solution- tell sister in law that if this situation is something your mother in law is interested in pursuing, she can call you about it herself.  She probably won't call so problem solved.  If she does, then you can have a discussion about a lovely day visit when you are in town to try and renew a relationship.

No way my kid is staying with someone neither my husband nor I are on speaking terms with, aside from the fact the person is a complete stranger to my kid.  Nope.  I am very surprised your husband is on board with this when his mother isn't even speaking to him right now.  The whole thing is very unhealthy and a child should not be some kind of pawn in this messed up game.

Edited March 2, 2019 by CaliforniaDreamin

[HomeAgain]

7 hours ago, CaliforniaDreamin said:

Here is an easy solution- tell sister in law that if this situation is something your mother in law is interested in pursuing, she can call you about it herself.  She probably won't call so problem solved.  If she does, then you can have a discussion about a lovely day visit when you are in town to try and renew a relationship.

No way my kid is staying with someone neither my husband nor I are on speaking terms with, aside from the fact the person is a complete stranger to my kid.  Nope.  I am very surprised your husband is on board with this when his mother isn't even speaking to him right now.  The whole thing is very unhealthy and a child should not be some kind of pawn in this messed up game.

Dh has some messed up boundaries when it comes to his parents, because well, they are his parents and he has that sort of relationship, but he doesn't realize it doesn't transfer over to the youngest and that we shouldn't just expect to follow her whims blindly.  Clear as mud?  I need more coffee.

What did happen was a much more productive conversation last night, and when I got rude and said "I'm not driving my happy *** to her house so she can have our kid for even an hour if she refuses to communicate with me at all!" allllllll the lines cleared from his face and he was like, you're right.  That makes total sense.

DS is not going.  We'll still be in town.  She, and the rest of his family is still welcome to arrange plans with us. 

[Acadie]

Totally clear--MIL enlisted SIL in an attempt to triangulate, but you and dh are holding healthy boundaries around direct communication. This sort of behavior has the potential to drive a wedge between the two of you, but not if you're listening to each other and thinking about what kind of family interactions you want for yourselves and to model for your kids.

There are some good resources online about Karpman Drama Triangles that have helped me identify when triangulation is happening and how I can shift the dynamic by not playing the role someone else is trying to assign me. It's often (but not always) possible to be kind and direct while moving the interaction in a healthier direction. Your openness to their reaching out to you and dh to arrange plans is kind, direct and generous of you--and I wouldn't be surprised if these very qualities are some of the reasons your dh wanted to marry you 🙂

Amy