So my MIL announced that she’s flying in for a two week week visit- need advice

[East Coast Sue]

My MIL lives across the country from us and usually tries to visit every year or two. Well, she emailed thats she’s flying in for a visit the last two weeks of December.  My youngest two will be excited she’s coming but the older two kids don’t enjoy her visits. She tends to assume a parenting role and tells the kids what to do. My kids just want to relax and sleep over the holiday break from school. They only get a week off so she’ll be here even during the week of school before break begins. I need your wisdom and encouragement so I can improve my very negative attitude.  I feel like this birthday/Christmas will be awful and I just want to cry. 

 

ETA- it’s a two week visit

Edited December 10, 2018 by East Coast Sue

[school17777]

Can you or your Dh tell her that the kids are allowed to sleep in and do/eat whatever you say?  

What does she enjoy doing while visiting?  (That doesn’t involve work on your part)

[Selkie]

Just now, kand said:

I totally understand this dynamic. It’s so hard to figure out how to balance everyone’s feelings in this circumstance. Has she already bought the tickets? (Do people buy plane tickets without checking with the people they intend to visit?)

I'm wondering about this, too. She just announced she was coming without checking with you first??

[East Coast Sue]

Yep, bought the ticket and sent an email with her itinerary. My dh is an only child- maybe that’s why? 

[PrincessMommy]

2 minutes ago, kand said:

I totally understand this dynamic. It’s so hard to figure out how to balance everyone’s feelings in this circumstance. Has she already bought the tickets? (Do people buy plane tickets without checking with the people they intend to visit?)

I agree.  2 weeks is quite a long visit.  If it's via Southwest she could change her ticket dates for a minimal fee.  I would have your husband tell her that 2 weeks is too much (gently).    

[PrincessMommy]

Just now, East Coast Sue said:

Yep, bought the ticket and sent an email with her itinerary. My dh is an only child- maybe that’s why? 

I can sympathize with this dynamic.  Definitely have your dh tell her... he needs to be on YOUR side.  hugs.  

[Faith-manor]

Sorry. Boundaries. This is unacceptable and you should not allow it. So you call her up and say, "I am sorry you purchased the ticket, But you didn't ask us about this and we already have plans, will be visiting others, etc. You can either get a hotel, and we will see you when we can, or hopefully you bought travel insurance that allows you to get a refund."

Don't budge. This is bizarrely unacceptable, and if you accommodate this, what's next? Your husband needs to tell her she cannot come and stay with you, and give her the names of area hotels, and some dates here or there in which you'll be home and she can have dinner with the family or something. Her poor manners, and narcissistic behavior need to be checked.

[shawthorne44]

Arrive ON Christmas Day?    To visit a family?

[J-rap]

I can't imagine a parent just announcing that they're coming for two weeks without a prior discussion to make sure it's okay, and get a feel for things.  Clearly, this is someone who doesn't really understand the nuances of things like this, or boundaries in general.

Because she doesn't understand, you'll need to stand firm and set some boundaries at home.  You and your dh will need to stand up for your kids.  So if MIL is telling them what to do, you might need to jump in and firmly say, "No, Susie is doing something else right now.  Perhaps later when dh is home, you can ask dh to help you with that."  etc.  And if she expects the kids to get up early over break and do certain things, you and dh will have to tell her, "They're on break now.  That includes sleeping in and enjoying their vacation."  etc.   This should mostly be on your dh to do, but I'm assuming that he'll be working and a lot of it will be on you.  So dh needs to set her straight when she first arrives and go over things.  Then you can just "fill in" boundaries when needed.

An even better plan would be to respond to her email with "Sorry, those dates won't work for us."  And then offer up a new set of dates.  Maybe even keep the same end date, but have her arrive after Christmas, not before.  That ought to shorten her visit quite a bit!   

This really should be on your dh to sort things out.  

[PrincessMommy]

13 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Sorry. Boundaries. This is unacceptable and you should not allow it. So you call her up and say, "I am sorry you purchased the ticket, But you didn't ask us about this and we already have plans, will be visiting others, etc. You can either get a hotel, and we will see you when we can, or hopefully you bought travel insurance that allows you to get a refund."

Don't budge. This is bizarrely unacceptable, and if you accommodate this, what's next? Your husband needs to tell her she cannot come and stay with you, and give her the names of area hotels, and some dates here or there in which you'll be home and she can have dinner with the family or something. Her poor manners, and narcissistic behavior need to be checked.

I agree except she shouldn't have to do this..  Her husband (mother-in-law's son) should call his mom and set boundaries. 

[gardenmom5]

tbh: I'd be inclined to ask her which hotel she was staying at . . ,

I would never presume to TELL my own daughter I'm coming ___, and will be staying for ____.

even when she explicitly asked me to come after the baby was born, I asked her how long she wanted me to stay.

[teachermom2834]

17 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Sorry. Boundaries. This is unacceptable and you should not allow it. So you call her up and say, "I am sorry you purchased the ticket, But you didn't ask us about this and we already have plans, will be visiting others, etc. You can either get a hotel, and we will see you when we can, or hopefully you bought travel insurance that allows you to get a refund."

Don't budge. This is bizarrely unacceptable, and if you accommodate this, what's next? Your husband needs to tell her she cannot come and stay with you, and give her the names of area hotels, and some dates here or there in which you'll be home and she can have dinner with the family or something. Her poor manners, and narcissistic behavior need to be checked.

Exactly this. We had to put a four night limit on my MIL. She would continue to call and say she’d made plans for five or six nights. And dh would reiterate four nights (and five whole days) and the back and forth would go on every yearly visit for about ten years until she stuck to it without argument. If we bend once we’ll be right back at it. Mine is also the type that would make the plan and inform us rather than ask. 

I’m telling you, if one of my ds ever tells me he and his wife can only have me stay for four nights you better believe they won’t have to tell me twice. I don’t get that mentality at all. I’m sure if my ds had to say that to me it would be hard on everyone and we would happily stay at a hotel or visit one night at a time or anything to make things smoother. And I can’t imagine inviting myself for four nights ever to anyone’s house. That is a long time unless you are very close and even then it can be too much depending on personalities.

 

Edited December 10, 2018 by teachermom2834

[SKL]

Tell her your kids are studying for a big test / working on an important project and need to sleep a lot and study in their rooms a lot while she is visiting.  Also they have study groups with their friends away from home.

Also, tell your kids (in advance) that if Granny says "Junior, do xyz / don't do xyz," and they don't want to obey her, they can turn around and ask you, "Mom can I do xyz / abc?"  Then you make the decision and Granny has no business arguing about it.  If Granny does argue about it, it's between you and her, and the kids are off the hook.

[PrincessMommy]

Just now, J-rap said:

I can't imagine a parent just announcing that they're coming for two weeks without a prior discussion to make sure it's okay, and get a feel for things.  Clearly, this is someone who doesn't really understand the nuances of things like this, or boundaries in general.

Because she doesn't understand, you'll need to stand firm and set some boundaries at home.  You and your dh will need to stand up for your kids.  So if MIL is telling them what to do, you might need to jump in and firmly say, "No, Susie is doing something else right now.  Perhaps later when dh is home, you can ask dh to help you with that."  etc.  And if she expects the kids to get up early over break and do certain things, you and dh will have to tell her, "They're on break now.  That includes sleeping in and enjoying their vacation."  etc.   This should mostly be on your dh to do, but I'm assuming that he'll be working and a lot of it will be on you.  So dh needs to set her straight when she first arrives and go over things.  Then you can just "fill in" boundaries when needed.

An even better plan would be to respond to her email with "Sorry, those dates won't work for us."  And then offer up a new set of dates.  Maybe even keep the same end date, but have her arrive after Christmas, not before.  That ought to shorten her visit quite a bit!   

This really should be on your dh to sort things out.  

My dad has been known to do this - but for a week.  I think I posted here the last time he texted me to say "Left around 6am, making good time..."  Wait, What??!!  My parents have serious boundary issues.  But, my dad is a pretty laid back and easy guest... I just don't appreciate the assumption that he's staying at my home without double checking with the hostess.  Sigh.

My son-in-law is an only.  His mom is very much a busy-body with her grands.  Even trying to dictate what I do with the grands.  Right now I'm refusing all contact with her (she's local to me).   I don't need her crazy in my house.  

[SKL]

I was going to say - it is possible she bought her tickets based on prior discussions with her son.  What did he tell her about availability and about how eager they were to see her?

[HomeAgain]

Make up a poster.  Sit down with the kids and write down everything that is okay during break and everything that isn't, and post that prominently.  When MIL oversteps, sweetly refer her to the very visual, highly colored, giant posterboard that spells it out for her.

[May]

One thing that I insisted upon when my MIL visited was that DH took all that time off. Fortunately, he was a parish pastor and had a flexible schedule. If this doesn’t work for your schedule, your husband should be the one to tell her. One thing I learned early in my marriage was to let hubby deal with his family. Blessings and hope it can be resolved without drama🎄

[gardenmom5]

14 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

Arrive ON Christmas Day?    To visit a family?

we did that with the boys last christmas  they went and visited 2dd and dsil.  it was super cheap to fly out christmas noonish - after we had presents here.  so it worked out great.  they arrived around dinner their time.

but that was all pre-planned with both ends agreeing this is what would work.

[shawthorne44]

It seems that this MIL will ruin the holiday for the older kids even with the parents stepping in and telling her to back-down.  
Ruining Christmas is not-an-option.  

[Carol in Cal.]

I would absolutely run interference on your kids’ behalfs, and I would expect my husband to back me up on that as well as to help with it.  Regarding the ‘human alarm clock’ issue, I’d tell MIL before she arrived that part of your special vacation rules is to let everyone sleep in late, and to be quiet until everyone is up, as a luxury.  

[Lanny]

You could send an email back to her, with the name of your Timeshare on Aruba?  

Actually, there are VERY VERY FEW people we can enjoy having in our house, or visiting, for more than 3 nights.  A late friend was an exception to that.  A childhood friend told me, years ago, 3 nights was about all he could take when travelling.  Even when he went to visit his Mother, he liked to stay in a hotel...

Edited December 10, 2018 by Lanny
change hotel to Timeshare

[Carol in Cal.]

1 minute ago, gardenmom5 said:

we did that with the boys last christmas  they went and visited 2dd and dsil.  it was super cheap to fly out christmas noonish - after we had presents here.  so it worked out great.  they arrived around dinner their time.

but that was all pre-planned with both ends agreeing this is what would work.

We did this once, too.  ILs live a long way away, and I don’t want to be there on Christmas Eve because I love our traditions and church services so much, and we wouldn’t even be able to go to church on the Eve and the Day from their house without causing a Big Fat Issue and being seen as anti-family and show off-ish.  But when DD went to school and only had 2 weeks off for her break, she and DH flew to their house on Christmas Day.  The airports were just about empty, the tickets were much more reasonably priced because they travelled that day, and we still had our great Christmas Eve together.  Then on Christmas Day I went to my church and then headed to a big extended family party.  

Another year we all went out two days after Christmas and stayed for 10 days.  Those tickets were more conventionally priced.

[PeachyDoodle]

I'll be the dissenting voice and say that if she only visits every couple of years, I'd be inclined to let it slide. I'd run interference with my kids if she's giving orders, and I'd not go out of my way to change our routine or plans, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. 

After the visit, or at the end, I might have dh remind her that, while we love her and want her to visit, we would appreciate it in the future if she checks with us before booking her flight. During the visit I would expect him to step in if she is causing problems, but otherwise I'd just try to get along.

[prairiewindmomma]

50 minutes ago, East Coast Sue said:

Yep, bought the ticket and sent an email with her itinerary. My dh is an only child- maybe that’s why? 

Or she's overstepping boundaries and has a habit of doing so.

I don't buy the only child excuse.  

[73349]

Wow.

Two weeks is a long time. Even one-week visits with any of our family or friends have me ready to scream by the end--our house, their house, vacation elsewhere, doesn't matter. Ben Franklin wasn't kidding: Fish and guests stink in about three days.

And without checking first? What would she have done if it turned out that in fact you were going to be out of town?

I have no advice for you, just best wishes for working things out.

Edited December 10, 2018 by whitehawk

[shawthorne44]

15 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

We did this once, too.  ILs live a long way away, and I don’t want to be there on Christmas Eve because I love our traditions and church services so much, and we wouldn’t even be able to go to church on the Eve and the Day from their house without causing a Big Fat Issue and being seen as anti-family and show off-ish.  But when DD went to school and only had 2 weeks off for her break, she and DH flew to their house on Christmas Day.  The airports were just about empty, the tickets were much more reasonably priced because they travelled that day, and we still had our great Christmas Eve together.  Then on Christmas Day I went to my church and then headed to a big extended family party.  

Another year we all went out two days after Christmas and stayed for 10 days.  Those tickets were more conventionally priced.

I can see people travelling on Christmas.   My MIL is flying to New Zealand on Christmas Eve this year because the ticket prices are within reason.   
I think it was the part about declaring to people with kids in house that you are going to arrive on Christmas Day.   Visitors arriving are disruptive.   For adults that is OK.   Of course, part of my reaction was that we live far enough away from the airport that we literally can't hire a taxi/shuttle/sedan to do airport transfer.    So, someone visiting on Christmas Day would mean one of us driving for an hour each way on Christmas Day.  

 

[SKL]

17 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I'll be the dissenting voice and say that if she only visits every couple of years, I'd be inclined to let it slide. I'd run interference with my kids if she's giving orders, and I'd not go out of my way to change our routine or plans, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. 

After the visit, or at the end, I might have dh remind her that, while we love her and want her to visit, we would appreciate it in the future if she checks with us before booking her flight. During the visit I would expect him to step in if she is causing problems, but otherwise I'd just try to get along.

I'm with you.

[JustEm]

20 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I'll be the dissenting voice and say that if she only visits every couple of years, I'd be inclined to let it slide. I'd run interference with my kids if she's giving orders, and I'd not go out of my way to change our routine or plans, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. 

After the visit, or at the end, I might have dh remind her that, while we love her and want her to visit, we would appreciate it in the future if she checks with us before booking her flight. During the visit I would expect him to step in if she is causing problems, but otherwise I'd just try to get along.

 

Yeah, I'd likely let it slide but after the trip have someone remind her that next time you need to coordinate better with the family before booking a flight.  I'd also make it clear to my kids that they are able to enjoy their break however they want and I'd help them do that if mil got in the way of that.

But I don't visit my own sister anymore because of her husband's inability to cope with visitors, we don't even stay in their house when we visit.  But they live 15 hours away in a place that has nothing of interest but them. So since he can't handle it for more than a few days I don't even bother visiting anymore.  It makes me sad because I miss her and her kids but it just isn't worth it to drive 15 hours each way for a few days of a visit.

[I talk to the trees]

I'm so sorry that she has steamrollered your relaxing holiday!  I do like HomeAgain's idea. Make the sign fun, maybe with a north pole kind of theme. Make sure it says something like: Rule no.5: Rest, relax, and enjoy your Christmas break! It only comes once a year!

[Junie]

1 hour ago, East Coast Sue said:

My MIL lives across the country from us and usually tries to visit every year or two. Well, she emailed thats she’s flying in for a visit the last two weeks of December.  My youngest two will be excited she’s coming but the older two kids don’t enjoy her visits. She tends to assume a parenting role and tells the kids what to do. My kids just want to relax and sleep over the holiday break from school. They only get a week off so she’ll be here even during the week of school before break begins. I need your wisdom and encouragement so I can improve my very negative attitude.  I feel like this birthday/Christmas will be awful and I just want to cry. 

 

ETA- it’s a two week visit

 

38 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I'll be the dissenting voice and say that if she only visits every couple of years, I'd be inclined to let it slide. I'd run interference with my kids if she's giving orders, and I'd not go out of my way to change our routine or plans, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. 

After the visit, or at the end, I might have dh remind her that, while we love her and want her to visit, we would appreciate it in the future if she checks with us before booking her flight. During the visit I would expect him to step in if she is causing problems, but otherwise I'd just try to get along.

I'll dissent with you.

The OP asked for encouragement in having a positive attitude.

(((East Coast Sue)))

Yes, to all of PeachyDoodle's advice.

My MIL and I didn't see eye-to-eye on some things and dh is an only child.  MIL passed away some years ago.  I wish I had the opportunity to have a better relationship with her.

[PeterPan]

Did someone already mention to tell her to get a HOTEL?  I have a big house with plenty of room (like for real plenty of room), and I've started turning away guests. It's disruptive to my ds' behavior with his autism, and frankly an extended vision is disruptive to ME. So given that she has made waves, tell her she needs to get a hotel. Make up a legit, reasonable excuse and make the excuse happen. (your dh is replacing the such and such in the kitchen) Find a way. Find her a deal on priceline. She can afford it.

[Valley Girl]

1 hour ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I'll be the dissenting voice and say that if she only visits every couple of years, I'd be inclined to let it slide. I'd run interference with my kids if she's giving orders, and I'd not go out of my way to change our routine or plans, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. 

After the visit, or at the end, I might have dh remind her that, while we love her and want her to visit, we would appreciate it in the future if she checks with us before booking her flight. During the visit I would expect him to step in if she is causing problems, but otherwise I'd just try to get along.

 

Not knowing the dynamics, I'm assuming a basically decent relationship here.

So as far as her booking the trip without telling you, I'd approach it the same as PeachyDoodle.

Assuming someone's not genuinely toxic, I can't imagine telling a grandparent the family only sees every year or two that they're only welcome for a handful of days--especially when they've gone to the expense of buying plane tickets. (It can take elderly people a few days just to recover from a day of travel.) Nor would I ask them to assume the additional (and costly) expense of a hotel on top of that. Might as well tell them not to bother even coming at all. Obviously I don't deal with the tough challenges many others have.

If she tries to assume a parental role, is it possible she thinks she's helping? I'd explain upfront that the kids are allowed to do such-and-such. If you see her trying to do your job, just step in as PeachyDoodle says and maybe redirect her to some other task. "Don't worry, MIL, I've got it. Would you mind setting the table?"

Of course, if she's toxic and unreasonable, that's a whole different ball of wax.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

I have found it helpful to announce that you and the children will be sleeping in to catch up on much needed sleep, but that breakfast will be laid out and that they are welcome to help themselves if they wake before you. (Relative was waking at 6am and wanting to early morning chat.)

If I slept in until 8, had a lazy breakfast and a quick chat and hit the shower at 9am, I could give myself some time to group myself before having to socialize at 10am.

Seriously plan a way to make this workable for yourself. I also planned in afternoons at the park and some grocery runs.

Early in our marriage I would spend a week meal planning, cleaning, and prepping food and would make all of the meals from scratch. Nothing ever pleases them so I am now focusing on delighting my children and on staying sane. 🙂

[gardenmom5]

this isn't becasue your dh is an only - it just means she can't spread the behavior around.

i can sympathize.  "no" is not in my mil's vocabulary.  if we tell her "no", it has to be repeated a number of times and made very very clear we are serious we really mean "no", for it to remotely register that maybe she should believe we mean what we are saying . . . .

her motto has always been "it's easier to ask forgiveness than permission".   and she'd try to "guilt" you into forgiving her . . . . locked doors wouldn't stop her from getting in if she wanted.

if we give mil an inch, she'll take a mile.   boundaries are essential.   my concern is if you bend over this time, she'll just do it again.

[J-rap]

1 hour ago, PrincessMommy said:

My dad has been known to do this - but for a week.  I think I posted here the last time he texted me to say "Left around 6am, making good time..."  Wait, What??!!  My parents have serious boundary issues.  But, my dad is a pretty laid back and easy guest... I just don't appreciate the assumption that he's staying at my home without double checking with the hostess.  Sigh.

My son-in-law is an only.  His mom is very much a busy-body with her grands.  Even trying to dictate what I do with the grands.  Right now I'm refusing all contact with her (she's local to me).   I don't need her crazy in my house.  

That's right, I actually remember the thread about your dad visiting!  That's too bad about your MIL and that she's even in the same town... It sounds like you know just how to handle it though.

[J-rap]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

we did that with the boys last christmas  they went and visited 2dd and dsil.  it was super cheap to fly out christmas noonish - after we had presents here.  so it worked out great.  they arrived around dinner their time.

but that was all pre-planned with both ends agreeing this is what would work.

That's true.  We've flown on Christmas day before because it was so cheap!  Maybe that's actually not a bad time for her to arrive...  You will have maybe opened presents that morning and had a nice family Christmas brunch together before she arrives??

[J-rap]

1 hour ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I'll be the dissenting voice and say that if she only visits every couple of years, I'd be inclined to let it slide. I'd run interference with my kids if she's giving orders, and I'd not go out of my way to change our routine or plans, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. 

After the visit, or at the end, I might have dh remind her that, while we love her and want her to visit, we would appreciate it in the future if she checks with us before booking her flight. During the visit I would expect him to step in if she is causing problems, but otherwise I'd just try to get along.

You could be right...  We don't know all of the details.  If she's otherwise a nice person but who is lonely and missing her family with no place to go over the holidays, then I'd set rules in place and let it happen, and make clear reminders for the next trip.

[Halftime Hope]

I'm really bothered by a lot of the answers you all have given, but I'm pretty sure the answers are due to the personalities you all are dealing with -- difficult, intractable, and hard to tell if worth making an effort.  I don't have experience with that reality.

That said, I've also noticed a trend toward younger adults having to have things their way, exactly what they want without much flexibility or much grace for parents who may be very loving but not necessarily on exactly the same page as their adult children. 

East Coast Sue, it's hard to tell from your post what kind of a person she is.  If she is reasonably respectful of your wishes and parenting style, I'd cut her some slack and gently steer her in a way that will help her fit in with your family, and that, I hope, will help your children love her back.  Just because you have to remind her (away from the children) of the boundaries a few times, doesn't mean that she won't get it.  If she is loving at heart, it may very well be worth the stretch to learn to work with her, especially in what you are teaching your children about how they will treat you when they have families.  (No, I'm not kidding.)

On the other hand, if she is one of those controlling, manipulative, or NPD people, it would be a whole different set of parameters.  

Just a thought.

 

[shawthorne44]

44 minutes ago, Halftime Hope said:

I'm really bothered by a lot of the answers you all have given, but I'm pretty sure the answers are due to the personalities you all are dealing with -- difficult, intractable, and hard to tell if worth making an effort.  I don't have experience with that reality....

 

Yeah, I do.   I had an evil Grandmother.   I do not use the word evil lightly.   I remember the Easter/9th Birthday of mine that was ruined.  My parents had shielded me from her vileness thinking that it was important to have Grandparent time.  But we had recently moved 1000 miles away and this was their first visit that was a stay-over.   I had a heart-breaking cry, as in probably the third most intense cry of my life.   

Maybe because of that or maybe not, I interpreted 'MIL taking a parental role' as the OP very nicely saying 'MIL is openly and directly critical of the kids."    Nobody has time for that over Christmas.    

[Janeway]

Can you go on a pretend vacation? Last year, I did not want to deal with relatives so I told everyone we were headed out of town on vacation. And to explain why we were here anyway at the last second, I called them the day we were supposed to leave and acted all sad and disappointed we did not get to go, husband got stuck working over our vacation. It was too late for them to reschedule coming. It worked for us!

[73349]

1 hour ago, Valley Girl said:

Assuming someone's not genuinely toxic, I can't imagine telling a grandparent the family only sees every year or two that they're only welcome for a handful of days--especially when they've gone to the expense of buying plane tickets. (It can take elderly people a few days just to recover from a day of travel.) Nor would I ask them to assume the additional (and costly) expense of a hotel on top of that. Might as well tell them not to bother even coming at all. Obviously I don't deal with the tough challenges many others have.

And how about the time it might take others in the family to recover from a visit? This goes two ways! Various family members will have to be able to continue with their routine while she's there and/or to jump right back into it with no down time once she leaves.

The problem is that she didn't even consult them about when or how long, just announced that's she's dropping in for two weeks... starting in just two weeks... over the holidays... presumably staying in their house. Even if the relationship is positive, that's presumptuous and potentially really disruptive. So if they can and want to roll with it, perhaps setting some expectations up front, that's great. But they would be within reason to tell her it's not a good time.

Going the other way around, I'm going to have the opportunity to visit an older family member for a few hours in a few weeks--but you can bet I called to make sure it was convenient before I made my plans.

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, Halftime Hope said:

I'm really bothered by a lot of the answers you all have given, but I'm pretty sure the answers are due to the personalities you all are dealing with -- difficult, intractable, and hard to tell if worth making an effort.  I don't have experience with that reality.

Actually it's that the last time my mother came someone got a concussion. 

I figure if someone is challenging enough to deal with that the person posts on the board about them, probably the average measures aren't what is needed. Sometimes in-laws are dealing with dementia and acting strangely well before the age we expect. It's unexpected and inappropriate to show up for two weeks without asking, which to me that means that person has some issues the op is going to have to wrangle. It's ok to choose safety and peace and steer a person, who clearly isn't thinking in a socially typical way, into a solution that works better for everyone. My mother is staying at a hotel this time, and everyone is staying safe. I'm outsourcing some other guests to nearby relatives as well. Sometimes we have to find ways that make it work that still make everyone feel loved.

[PeterPan]

36 minutes ago, shawthorne44 said:

I interpreted 'MIL taking a parental role' as the OP very nicely saying 'MIL is openly and directly critical of the kids."    Nobody has time for that over Christmas.    

Yup, that was my take, that it was going to turn the holidays into constant conflict. And if that's the case, draw some boundaries. Tell her the kids would love to swim at whatever hotel she's staying at.

[katilac]

Your kids are probably stressed by her bc they're trying to accommodate her and be polite, but they also know they're allowed to do X, Y, and Z. It will help to come up with some stock phrases for them to use and actions to take if she persists. 

"It's ten o'clock, stop watching tv and go get dressed." 

"Mom said it was okay to stay in pajamas." 

"You need to clean up this mess." 

"Mom said we can leave the Legos out all afternoon." 

"That doesn't make sense, go ahead and clean them up." 

"Let me check with mom." 

And so on, and so on. All they have to do is remain polite and call for you if she persists. I find it helps to say, "That's just the way Grandma is. She thinks you should get dressed right away and it's hard for her to remember that we don't have that rule. Just remind her politely that you have permission." 

I do like HomeAgain's idea of the poster. "Oh, yeah, the rules are different for break, so that's just a reminder of what's allowed." For the sake of diplomacy, you can add one or two things that are not allowed 😋

[Janeway]

Yeah, I took the "takes a parental role" to mean she does not act like a grandparent but rather wants to be a disciplinarian. Not okay. 

[LarlaB]

5 hours ago, kand said:

I totally understand this dynamic. It’s so hard to figure out how to balance everyone’s feelings in this circumstance. Has she already bought the tickets? (Do people buy plane tickets without checking with the people they intend to visit?)

 

Yes, yes they do. And then they get angry if your schedule isn’t clear and you aren’t available for them for the random dates they plucked out of mid air. BTDT and even being polite and kind isn’t going to work for someone who acts that way. Sigh.

OP pace yourself.  One day, one activity and one interaction at a time.  Try as hard as you can to do YOU and honor and respect your kiddos and your wishes, traditions and such. You can’t just find and keep a good head space all at once...it will be a struggle but won’t last forever.

If your kids want to just to sleep in and watch movies, let them.  Don’t apologize for your choices wishes and preferences. You don’t have to be rude or turn everything into a confrontation, but if MIL won’t naturally respect that it isn’t her household, you need to be kind but firm.

Find ways to cope- go grocery shopping on your own or schedule coffee with a friend.  It sounds selfish in one regard, but I’ve found that room to breathe away from difficult family member really helps me refresh and regroup.  And I make sure to exercise a lot too. Kills time but helps release stress. 

I sympathize with you.  It’s tough.  But this is DHs mom. He needs to try and shoulder a large chunk of this or address it with her so this sitstuiom doesn’t happen again.

Edited December 10, 2018 by LarlaB

[Halftime Hope]

You know, my ILs weren't perfect.  Neither were my parents.  There were times with both that we had to step in and help guide the interactions.  We had to help grandparents learn to enter the children's world rather than always expecting the children to join them in their hobbies or interests.  We had to draw boundaries on the kind of humor allowed, and on the ways the grandparents were to instruct/discipline my children.  I get that.  I get that having a relative over is difficult, that sometimes you'd rather be at home alone.  

But truly, had we not been willing to flex and give sometimes more than we thought any person should have to, we would have missed out on the joy of having grandparents who loved my kids well, in in their unique way, which looked very different from what I would have chosen.  My FIL said some particularly stupid things to my sons, but they also have good memories of him, in spite of doing elder care with him that involved a lot of sacrifice.  

Again, if this is not your relative -- if you have one that is particularly toxic or even evil -- I'm not talking to that situation.  I'm talking about loving someone, warts and all, even loving  sacrificially, when it means that we are going to have to give up something significant to love them and include them, because they are doing the best they can, and they love us. 

There is no perfect relative, and I'm wondering if  society is, to some degree, too offended and too easily throws in the towel on relationships.  

Only the OP knows her family's situation, and where this relative falls on a continuum.  I'm throwing a "slow down and consider" flag on the play, when it seems that many here have applied their personal filters with NPD (or similar) relatives. 

[Valley Girl]

1 hour ago, whitehawk said:

And how about the time it might take others in the family to recover from a visit? This goes two ways! Various family members will have to be able to continue with their routine while she's there and/or to jump right back into it with no down time once she leaves.

The problem is that she didn't even consult them about when or how long, just announced that's she's dropping in for two weeks... starting in just two weeks... over the holidays... presumably staying in their house. Even if the relationship is positive, that's presumptuous and potentially really disruptive. So if they can and want to roll with it, perhaps setting some expectations up front, that's great. But they would be within reason to tell her it's not a good time.

Going the other way around, I'm going to have the opportunity to visit an older family member for a few hours in a few weeks--but you can bet I called to make sure it was convenient before I made my plans.

Obviously the issue of making plans without checking with your prospective host first has to be addressed. It's clearly not cool, and I don't think anyone has suggested it is. Depending on how important the relationship is can be a factor in deciding exactly how that conversation gets handled. If it just won't work, then telling Grandma "Sorry, no" may be the only solution. But that doesn't mean "no" or Grandma getting a hotel are automatically the only ones. A lot depends on the people involved and whether or not Grandma can avoid parenting the kids and whether she's high-maintenance or pretty self-sufficient.

Having visitors is stressful and disruptive at any time. I hope things work out well for the OP.

[PeterPan]

1 hour ago, katilac said:

Your kids are probably stressed by her bc they're trying to accommodate her and be polite, but they also know they're allowed to do X, Y, and Z. It will help to come up with some stock phrases for them to use and actions to take if she persists. 

"It's ten o'clock, stop watching tv and go get dressed." 

"Mom said it was okay to stay in pajamas." 

"You need to clean up this mess." 

"Mom said we can leave the Legos out all afternoon." 

"That doesn't make sense, go ahead and clean them up." 

"Let me check with mom." 

See that for me is so foreign. I wouldn't want my kids contradicting their grandparents. If there are known things that bug the grandparent (like a really brief list), then I'd just do the things their way and tell the kids to get over it. And I'd find some way to make it super awesome, like they comply and there are DONUTS in their rooms, lol. 

But I'm the same person who would tell her to get a hotel. I'm just saying if you let her in your home, the kids should be respectful and that that wouldn't quite be there for me. No adult wants to be constantly contradicted.

On the other hand, it's really good self-advocacy. Maybe tell MIL you have a new rule (make up something) that over X age they set their own rules for xyz? Like really blow her mind. That way she knows right off the bat over this age, she can't tell them to do anything. 

Yeah that's awkward. There's self-advocacy and there's rudeness. Self-advocacy is good, and needing to do it too much is awkward.

Edited December 10, 2018 by PeterPan

[Garga]

It’s not an only child thing. I’m an only child and my parents live 2500 miles away and they have never called and told us they were coming to visit us for two weeks without confirming with us ahead of time.

I’d be pretty miffed if it was me.  I could handle my parents visiting that long, but never in-laws.  We visited my parents this summer for 13 days and I was in awe of how my DH was able to handle it.  It’s just hard being around in-laws for that long.  I’ve been married for 26 years and still don’t feel like my in-laws are my family.  We’re just that little bit too different.  

Edited December 10, 2018 by Garga