Share your expertise on having more kids than "normal"

[kubiac]

Hello! I am due with #4 in May. In our area and social milieu, having four or more kids is...not common.

We know one Orthodox Jewish family with 10, a Catholic family with 5 kids, and I have a couple of LDS friends who are from large families. But four or more is generally NOT the done thing around here.

Where I live, I find that one kid is common, two is the "norm," three is "oh how cute they like having kids and they can afford it" or "well you know those immigrants are so family-oriented," but four is "what is wrong with you are you insane?"

Sidebar rant: My parents are somewhere between irked and irate (they only had three, so that's their number). We are 41 and 42, married, happy, financially independent and have a paid-off home. Our kids are well-fed and well-educated. I need to lose weight but other than that none of us have any major health problems. My dad said we were being selfish and expressed a concern that we won't be able to take care of them in 10 years (which is totally unfair since we live two miles away, and are available at their beck and call, and heretofore they have always literally *laughed* at us if we asked if they needed any help with aging) and demanded that we find a birth control method. I was pretty much planning to get my tubes tied after this one, but I told him we do have a lot of ambivalence about birth control versus family building. Heck, just being told I *have* to do something makes me want to not do it and head in the opposite direction and do IVF to get pregnant with #5 & #6 as twins.

ANYWAY, I think we have entered the phase of our family building where we are statistically weird. Only 14 percent of American women have four or more children. I was wondering if any of you larger-family moms have any experiences or wisdom on how you manage responses to "you're nuts" or "you're being selfish" or other responses you get from people. Help?

[fairfarmhand]

“Do you know what causes that?” By gross old men

Respond with a sultry look and raised eyebrows.

”ohhhhh yeahhhh.” 

[fairfarmhand]

Just now, fairfarmhand said:

“Do you know what causes that?” By gross old men

Respond with a sultry look and raised eyebrows.

”ohhhhh yeahhhh.” 

By the way, my kids are glad there’s plenty of them. They watched how elder care played out when my mom and my dh s dad were dying. Having one more couple in there, heck having 2 or 3 would have been marvelous. 

Selfish? Really? Having kids is selfish? Hmmmm. You mean those kids are supposed to be serving me and taking care of me and propping up my ego???

who knew? 

Selfish? 

Ha!

[Guest]

I am not in that situation but I just want to say the comments from your parents are ridiculous and that kind of stuff makes me so mad! It also never made any sense to me how people who were giddy about babies #1 & #2 and maybe happy even for #3 suddenly morph into mean baby-haters when people go beyond that. (At least not when, by all accounts, the family is providing for the kids just fine and in all ways.) 

I wanted a big family but it didn’t pan out that way for me. As an observer, though, I have seen a crazy amount of people who got tons of negative commentary once they went to #4, and sometimes for #3 even. 

I try to be the well-wish fairy when I hear of people having more kids than “normal” and/or kids past 40. I make it a point to tell them how awesome they are! 

[Momto6inIN]

"You know what causes that, right?" is answered by an enthusiastic "Yes and we enjoy it! Why, don't you?"

"I'm glad it's you and not me" is answered with a tilted head and condescending smile and "Me too, ma'am, me too!"

I've never encountered the selfish argument, unless you count an uncle who asked me if I was worried about population growth. With the current US birth rate at less than 2, I feel confident we're helping out the average there, not hurting it.

I don't encounter much else to my face. I'm quite sure people whisper and talk and make snide remarks behind my back, but I don't care about that.

[Meriwether]

I only have five. I would have liked more. Some people think I have a large family, but it doesn't feel that way to me (especially since my sister has eight).  Each child is an individual. I don't have a monolithic *FIVE KIDS*; I have Dd15, Ds14, Ds12, Dd8, and Dd4.

[moonflower]

Congratulations on #4!  I have 4 born in May (3 born other times), great month to have a baby ?

 

[Garga]

Gol-LY, people are jerks! I only have two, but I think it’s awesome no matter how many kids people have, whether they choose to have none or 20.

OP, your parents are being wack.  He’s accusing you of being selfish because he wants you to take care of him?  Um..who’s being the selfish one in that conversation?  Wow.

 

Edited November 3, 2018 by Garga

[Momto6inIN]

I would also be verrrrrry tempted to ask my dad if he was really sure he wanted to be involved to that level of detail in my s%x life ... because I could sure find ways to make those conversations very uncomfortable for a father to listen to ???

[busymama7]

We have ten. One died at birth so it looks like we only have 9 and 9 is what we are raising. Weve heard it all. 

I think if anything that dramatic(rude and inappropriate) came from my parents though we would have to have a very firm discussion about what was appropriate to say and that we would reduce contact if that kind of talk continued. 

I love me family and have learned to mostly not care what others say. We are open to more and are philosophically  and religiously opposed to birth control except for very serious reasons, for US not others. We don't question those with smaller families. Can you imagine?!?! But somehow if you have too many people feel they can say whatever they want.  But our youngest is 4 and I'm almost 42 so it seems unlikely. I admit to still worrying about the reactions we would get if we did get pregnant again so I do know how hard it is. 

[Momto6inIN]

8 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

But our youngest is 4 and I'm almost 42 so it seems unlikely.

That's what I thought too, so at 44 I finally got rid of all maternity clothes and baby stuff. And got pregnant with #6 a month later and am due in April right after my 45th birthday LOL

[MeaganS]

I find most comments are positive, but they generally focus on the fact that we have 4 girls. Dh hears the "over protective father with a shotgun" comment every time. Drives him crazy, both because he's not a fan of guns but also because he doesn't take the "macho-man protect weak and naive females" view of raising our girls. I had a creepy guy at church talk to me about when they are teenagers and their periods sync up. Actually, we get that a ton too. Neither are appropriate imo.

Your parents are out of line and I'd be mad too. My parents and in-laws both had 6 so they can't talk. We're a small family compared to them.

Mostly I just smile and nod and say "we have lots of fun!" when they comment on how hard it must be. I've never received the "you know how that happens, right?" comment but that would make me mad. 

[scholastica]

1 hour ago, fairfarmhand said:

“Do you know what causes that?” By gross old men

Respond with a sultry look and raised eyebrows.

”ohhhhh yeahhhh.” 

Or answer them, "Why yes, I do. Would you like me to explain it to you? I'm surprised you don't already know at your age!"

[catz]

Oh heck no, I would not entertain any other comments about that from parents.  And it's not your job to be full time hands on caretakers for aging parents.  If people have the time and desire, I think that's wonderful and admirable.  But not every family can or should.  Heck to the no.  Crossing a major line.

Congratulations!

[LMD]

We have 4, would have loved more but things don't always go to plan.

I find being super positive and owning it helps with strangers. So when they go "? 4!" I reply with "Yes! We're so blessed!" Or they say "wow 4 must be hard" I reply "it's totally worth it! We have lots of fun!"

Family is a whoooooooole 'nuther ball game. Best to ignore, have good boundaries, and hope they are decent people who will love the new baby in the family! 

Congratulations! 

[Selkie]

No advice from me because we only have three, and no one around here blinks an eye at a family with four kids. But you have my sympathies because your parents sound seriously awful.?

Congratulations!

[Heatherwith4]

 I must have a face that says “don’t mess with me,” because I don’t usually get any comments.  I’d love to have more, but we “only” have 4.  

 My SIL has 9, and a while back we met at a restaurant for lunch.  We had either 9 or 10 kids with us that day, and people were openly staring at us, which I thought was hilarious. 

 But I think if family is being ugly about it, I would set a pretty firm boundary to let them know that is not cool at all. 

[happypamama]

I think I am fortunate to live in an area where people genuinely seem to like kids and are supportive of families. We also live near Amish country, and it’s a heavy farming tradition around here in general, so I’ve assumed that maybe that plays a role in what people see as the norm. I do know a lot of families with four, even five children, and six isn’t super common, but I’m not the only one with six either. 

 

If people tell me I have my hands full, I give one of two replies: “Hands and heart” because I never want my children to think that they’re burdens, or “better full than empty” because really, I know I am blessed to have them.  That usually gets the point across that someone was rude and puts the focus back on any number of children being a blessing. I do get more comments about the number of boys I have more than the number of children. I don’t get asked if they’re all mine very often because DD is my mini-me, and the boys are obviously related. 

 

If anyone dared to tell me I should stop other than my doctor (and SHE said, “I might earn a few more grey hairs but go for it”), they’d get an earful because six will never be enough because one will always be missing. (And I am very grateful for friends who are happy for me, even if their choices are different.)

 

I wouldn’t tolerate rude comments from relatives. My parents had four and were just as thrilled about the seventh as they were about the first. My ILs might think we are crazy, but that might be true, albeit for other reasons (DH and I are each other’s brand of crazy, for sure), and they’re polite and congratulatory anyway.  (Besides, I think they’re just relieved that their son found someone and that obviously we’re still pretty happy after this long, and I think they probably don’t want to think about it too much more than that.) I would absolutely shut down negative talk about my family size, especially in front of my children. 

 

I will say that I try not to make the number of kids an excuse. It’s hard to explain what that actually looks like in reality because sometimes it’s the truth; there are sometimes things my bigs can’t do because the littles make it too hard or things my littles miss because of the bigs’ schooling/activity needs, or things we don’t do because they’re cost prohibitive or because I only have so much time. I do make compromises to my ideals sometimes, but regardless of family size, I think most parents do that at some points along the way. Maybe it’s more that I generally don’t expect special treatment for having more kiddos than the usual.  If we can’t afford to do something because of time or money, it’s really rare that I ask for accommodations because this is my choice.

 

It isn’t always easy, but I love having a large family.  We have different advantages and different disadvantages, same as any family, but I have genuinely enjoyed getting to know each of my own little people (and having lots and lots of baby time).

 

And congratulations!!!

Edited November 3, 2018 by happypamama

[Bluegoat]

I have usually had friendly comments, though a lot of the "you must have your hands full" kind.  I don't take that too seriously, I do at times after all and people don't realize I've already heard it a million times.

Once someone said to me "you know how that happens" but I think it was meant to be a joke.  In any case, that is how I treated it.  I find it's usually workable to take that approach and just choose to assume people are not being nosy/offensive/inappropriate.

With your parents - they probably do really worry.  Even worrying about themselves, I can see that could be very genuine.  Maybe they really just need some reassurance that you are thinking things through.  I have the same issue with comments like that making me want to do the opposite - I'd tell your dad he can be involved with your sex life when you can start giving him advice on his.

[gardenmom5]

this is the feature of the "tell your most intimate doings on social media for the entire world to read about, with pictures"  that is really  . . .  it's gone too far.  people have become clueless that there are such a thing as boundaries.

 

this is a skill which is very handy when dealing with teens.  

the frozen stare. . . .

when people make a rude comment (e.g. your father's comment)  say "I knew you'd be so thrilled for us" . . . .just continue the frozen stare, don't say anything.  if they are so bold as to continue with/add-on-to their rude remarks,  "really?  did you really just say that to a pregnant woman?"   frozen stare.  change subject, be willing to leave until they can be polite.

for strangers who inquire if this was planned ..(yes, perfect strangers while standing in line.   even casual acquaintances)  frozen stare: - 'that's a personal question".

 

 

my (only child) mother was rather dependent upon me, so she did regard my continuing to have children as "what about me?"  for most parents - what do your retirement plans have to do with me?

[Junie]

My former neighbor (mother of 7 at last count) had the best comeback ever:

She was with all of her children in line at the grocery store.   The man behind her in line made a comment about "all those college educations".

She just smiled at him and asked "Are you offering to help?"

 

OP, Congratulations to you.

I haven't had a lot of comments.  I had a few when I was expecting Baby #5, but that was mostly because I had recently been diagnosed with RA and people were (overly) concerned about my health.

I do hear a lot of comments about 5 girls. 

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Momto5inIN said:

That's what I thought too, so at 44 I finally got rid of all maternity clothes and baby stuff. And got pregnant with #6 a month later and am due in April right after my 45th birthday LOL

DON"T DO IT!!!!.. . . too late. .  . .

I held onto my nice cloth diapers and other baby stuff for years . . . . . I was in my 40's, having peri symptoms, trying to dejunk - and got rid of them. . . . six WEEKS later . . . . . God was being nice to me.  If I'd still had the cloth, I'd have done cloth diapers.  my sanity needed the convenience of paper.

59 minutes ago, MeaganS said:

I find most comments are positive, but they generally focus on the fact that we have 4 girls. Dh hears the "over protective father with a shotgun" comment every time. Drives him crazy, both because he's not a fan of guns but also because he doesn't take the "macho-man protect weak and naive females" view of raising our girls. I had a creepy guy at church talk to me about when they are teenagers and their periods sync up. Actually, we get that a ton too. Neither are appropriate imo.

Your parents are out of line and I'd be mad too. My parents and in-laws both had 6 so they can't talk. We're a small family compared to them.

Mostly I just smile and nod and say "we have lots of fun!" when they comment on how hard it must be. I've never received the "you know how that happens, right?" comment but that would make me mad. 

definitely sexist comments.

sil has three girls (one boy).. . . their girls all learned to shoot, and they have their own guns. (and use power tools, etc.).   one is starting with the state patrol as a trooper in her state.

 

48 minutes ago, scholastica said:

Or answer them, "Why yes, I do. Would you like me to explain it to you? I'm surprised you don't already know at your age!"

not to creepy guys, they might enjoy it.

but for most, I've also seen the "play stupid" card.  making them explain it to where most people will become extremely embarassed.

thought I tried that once with a nurse who was giving me instructions on how to wean my fourth . . . . I finally had to say "I know what I'm doing, this is my fourth child".  . . ."   they're all yours?" . . . she thought my kids were "his and hers", or babysitting other people's kids.  

[gardenmom5]

11 minutes ago, Junie said:

My former neighbor (mother of 7 at last count) had the best comeback ever:

She was with all of her children in line at the grocery store.   The man behind her in line made a comment about "all those college educations".

She just smiled at him and asked "Are you offering to help?"

 

OP, Congratulations to you.

I haven't had a lot of comments.  I had a few when I was expecting Baby #5, but that was mostly because I had recently been diagnosed with RA and people were (overly) concerned about my health.

I do hear a lot of comments about 5 girls. 

your neighbor wins the comeback award.  that's great.

 

my grandmother was one of ten girls. . . .  that rippled down through the generations.  my friend with five dd's . . got tired of hearing about "they need a boy to round it out", or her dh being told he must want a son. (he got tired of it too.)

 

about big spaces . . . people almost always assume it's a second marriage.    dudeling was born the same year 1dd graduated from college . . . . if the three of us are together, the assumption is she's the mom and I'm grandma.   all of my kids have been mistaken as one of his parents before.   none of them bat an eye anymore.

that is one thing about doing school/kid activities as an older mom . . . most of the mom's there, the age difference is such I could have babysat them myself.  (or even old enough to be their own mother.)

 

I'm on the larger side for my area at five, but I know larger.  the family of 12 I know.  . . mom has a degree in chemical engineering  (sahm - and supports my argument on why I think a real college degree is an advantage for a sahm . . . her kids are amazing.) , dad's a corporate attorney.  the  youngest is coming up on two?  the oldest is working on her doc in math.

[kubiac]

45 minutes ago, happypamama said:

If people tell me I have my hands full, I give one of two replies: “Hands and heart” because I never want my children to think that they’re burdens, or “better full than empty” because really, I know I am blessed to have them.

 

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL AND IMMA USE IT. Thank you. ?

[kubiac]

42 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

I'd tell your dad he can be involved with your sex life when you can start giving him advice on his.

 

Ha yes! 

[Murphy101]

Someone at Sprouts today asked me if they were all mine. I only had 4 with me.  I said yes and they looked at my kids astonished and asked my kids, “Oh my god, so which of you have the same daddy?”

I get various forms of this question all the time. I get that they are very incompetent at asking if we are a blended family but geez way to make me sound like a total ho. LOL

My smart mouthed 21 year old son whispered to her, “Shhhh! Dad doesn’t know!”

I took that as my cue to rush the others away and leave the poor woman shocked and confused. 

I sure do love that boy of mine. 

Now waaaay back when I was prego with baby 3, my in laws gave us the Xmas gift of a card with a note saying they would pay for dh to have a vasectomy for our present. I rather angrily informed my mil that if she’d pay more concern to her own husband’s penis than her son’s, everyone in the family would be a lot happier for the holidays. ?

[happypamama]

7 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Someone at Sprouts today asked me if they were all mine. I only had 4 with me.  I said yes and they looked at my kids astonished and asked my kids, “Oh my god, so which of you have the same daddy?”

I get various forms of this question all the time. I get that they are very incompetent at asking if we are a blended family but geez way to make me sound like a total ho. LOL

My smart mouthed 21 year old son whispered to her, “Shhhh! Dad doesn’t know!”

I took that as my cue to rush the others away and leave the poor woman shocked and confused. 

I sure do love that boy of mine. 

Now waaaay back when I was prego with baby 3, my in laws gave us the Xmas gift of a card with a note saying they would pay for dh to have a vasectomy for our present. I rather angrily informed my mil that if she’d pay more concern to her own husband’s penis than her son’s, everyone in the family would be a lot happier for the holidays. ?

Well, I was going to say, “What a great reply your son gave!” but I see that he got his quick wit from you — that was such a perfect answer to your MIL!

[Murphy101]

13 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

Gosh, what a terrible possition to put a kid in

My oldest doesn't share genetics with DH.  However, legally, he is her DAD.  The adoption was finalized years ago.  I can't imagine her dealing with that sort of question....."well, um, Dad is my dad, but, um,....

 

And my younger kids.  They wouldn't even understand the question

 

My younger kids don’t get it either. I feel really bad for the young man living with us.   He is adopted and has a step sister. He also has 6 biological siblings, either whole or half that he has stayed in touch with thanks to the help of his mom.   People ask him all the time, “how many siblings? ... I mean REAL siblings... from your REAL mom.” 

The bleep.  Who says that?  Apparently a lot of people. ?

[gardenmom5]

48 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

Someone at Sprouts today asked me if they were all mine. I only had 4 with me.  I said yes and they looked at my kids astonished and asked my kids, “Oh my god, so which of you have the same daddy?”

I get various forms of this question all the time. I get that they are very incompetent at asking if we are a blended family but geez way to make me sound like a total ho. LOL

My smart mouthed 21 year old son whispered to her, “Shhhh! Dad doesn’t know!”

I took that as my cue to rush the others away and leave the poor woman shocked and confused. 

I sure do love that boy of mine. 

Now waaaay back when I was prego with baby 3, my in laws gave us the Xmas gift of a card with a note saying they would pay for dh to have a vasectomy for our present. I rather angrily informed my mil that if she’d pay more concern to her own husband’s penis than her son’s, everyone in the family would be a lot happier for the holidays. ?

 

Believe it or not - Miss Manners would approve.

she gave a very similar suggestion to a mom who was expecting her second child. Her dh is asain, so her dd looks asian.  she would be asked if she adopted and was now able to get pregnant?     (granted this was the 70s, and interracial marriages were much less common than today.)

gentle reader: Miss Manners wouldn't blame you if you covered your dd's ears and said: "shh, my husband thinks our daughter looks just like him".

 

It's really quite shocking the things that come out of people's mouths . . . I have more patience with people who are just unbelievably clueless . . .

[Paige]

I have 5. It's more than most around here but doesn't feel crazy to me. I haven't really encountered much rudeness. Maybe I'm oblivious. Our families are supportive. I think I had far more rude comments when I only had 3. 

[DesertBlossom]

I've only ever had one person get angry at me-- she asked if it was my first, and I said it was my 5th. Instantly her demeanor changed and she got angry and she started asking how I was going to pay for college for them all. I was so stunned I just walked away. 

At a doctor's appt for DD (with a doctor we love) the doctor started talking about how hard that many kids would be and how he and his wife *only* had 3 and he didn't think they could handle more.... and on and on and on. I said something about loving a big family, but I wished I'd had the nerve to point out how his words might be affecting my DD who was very much old enough to understand that he thought that many kids were a PITB. I like him enough in general to give him a pass, but it was bothersome and he obviously had no clue how he sounded.

We sometimes get questions like if we know what causes it, but it's usually said as a good-natured jab (though still annoying). Someone once remarked that we ought to get a TV and DH responded that we'd never found anything on TV that was more entertaining. :)

I'm LDS and while lots of LDS families stop at 2 or 3, I know lots and lots of couples our age or just a bit older who had 6, 7, 8 or 13. So I don't really feel all that out of place around here with our 6. But what I've learned is that people like to make stupid comments no matter what stage of life you're in. If you're single, they only ask questions about who you're dating. If you're childless, they want to know if you're trying. If you have 1, they want to know when you're having more. And eventually they start asking if you know how to stop.  I learned long ago that it's better to pay them no mind and to own my own decisions. 

[kubiac]

18 minutes ago, DesertBlossom said:

But what I've learned is that people like to make stupid comments no matter what stage of life you're in. If you're single, they only ask questions about who you're dating. If you're childless, they want to know if you're trying. If you have 1, they want to know when you're having more. And eventually they start asking if you know how to stop.  I learned long ago that it's better to pay them no mind and to own my own decisions. 

 

This is absolute wisdom.

[busymama7]

8 hours ago, Momto5inIN said:

That's what I thought too, so at 44 I finally got rid of all maternity clothes and baby stuff. And got pregnant with #6 a month later and am due in April right after my 45th birthday LOL

We gave away everything except some clothes I haven't gone through yet. I was pretty hopeful that trick would work ?  hasnt yet though. 

[Carrie12345]

I honestly don't know what I would have done if my parents had been so awful. I'm sure they do think I'm nuts, but they're not vocal about it.  Then again, they get annoyed when I try to check in on their health and needs from 800 miles away (where *they moved,) instead of expecting me to do for them. 

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

11 hours ago, LMD said:

We have 4, would have loved more but things don't always go to plan.

I find being super positive and owning it helps with strangers. So when they go "? 4!" I reply with "Yes! We're so blessed!" Or they say "wow 4 must be hard" I reply "it's totally worth it! We have lots of fun!"

Family is a whoooooooole 'nuther ball game. Best to ignore, have good boundaries, and hope they are decent people who will love the new baby in the family! 

Congratulations! 

 

This is also my method.  I think of myself as an ambassador, both for "large" families (where I live, 4 is HUGE) and for homeschooling.  If I want to whine and complain about either of those two topics, I save it for friends who I know understand.

I also answer all shocked exclamations with only positive things, "Oh you know, four is really MUCH easier than two!  They keep each other busy!" blah blah blah.  

My kids LOVE each other and are close in a way that makes my heart burst with happiness.  I am SO GLAD that in an uncertain world, we have given them multiple points of stability and support that will outlive DH and me.  Somehow, it is easier to live a simpler life with more kids- you MUST simplify, or you'll be overrun!  

Try to let strangers' comments roll off your back, or respond with a "you're the crazy one here!" look and patronizing head shake.  People don't understand large families.  They just can't seem to wrap their brains around it.  There's no talking them into it, so just be a quiet ambassador and take pleasure in your family's interactions with each other.  There will be so much life and action that opinions of the outside just won't matter much anymore.  

Comments from your parents:  this is harder.  I'd give the news a bit of time to sink in.  If the comments keep coming, ask them which of their precious grandchildren they would like you to give up for not deserving a place in the family.  Ok, that's passive-aggressive.  Just tell them that if they don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all.  Maybe you can shame them into better behavior.  My MIL was clearly very unhappy with the news of our fourth.  This only lasted the length of time that it was a "shock".  She got used to it and of course, loves our littlest just like the others.  She has occasionally made comments about "Really hope that's the last one!!!" which I choose to graciously ignore because she's a crazy old lady.  ?

 

Congratulations!!!  Four is even more fun than three!!!  Seek support from those in the big family "club".  We are there for each other!  

 

 

 

[umsami]

We have four....and it is unusual in my parent's social circle.  Growing up, I only knew one family with four--and they were LDS.  Most people had two.  If you had three, you had a really big family.  Haha.  All of my cousins have either zero kids, one kid, or two kids.  Nobody has more than that.  They were OK with #3, because she was the first girl grandchild/cousin.... but when I got pregnant with #4, I got some pretty insensitive comments.  The exception was my Dad (who was the youngest of four).  He had an amazing gift of always showing unconditional love and all of my kids knew that no matter what, Grandpa thought they were tops.  That helped immensely.

With strangers, I'd make jokes...."we're working on our own football team", etc.

[lavender's green]

We have 3 and get comments all the time. In our secular circles people act like we're crazy, then they start to gently probe to see how religious and/or whackadoodle we are. In our religious circles, our family is considered small, and they start to gently probe to see if we're infertile, sinning, masters of NFP, or whatever.

And you know what? Before we had kids we also got comments all the time! Those were the most painful because we'd been trying to conceive for some time and *this close* to being labeled infertile. 

My takeaway is that people are going to comment no matter what (though I've heard moms of 5+ say the comments start to go away...ymmv). I've chosen to be amused by it. I brush it off in various ways, but always with an air of amusement. I certainly never tell a stranger, or most family and friends, what our plans really are.

[Murphy101]

My advice? Accept that other people, even family or especially family, aren't going to be happy about it.  And let it go.  You aren't doing it to make them happy and it's not your job to sacrifice your marriage or your motherhood to serve them.

Find good friends.  Spend time with your husband.  Go on coffee dates or play dates with friends you can be completely honest with about the realities of our lives. Over time, these will be the people who raise you up, sometimes literally.  And having people who can circle wagons around you or your kids when necessary will be a genuine balm to the soul in the future. So invest today.

Boundaries are important.  Especially if you live so close.  Don't let them think that proximity of houses gives them a say in what goes on in your household, much less your bedroom.  And you are an adult, it's acceptable to lay it out in just such terms for them to understand.  There comes a point when respecting our parents includes speaking to them as the adults we all are.

[Tenaj]

When I called my mom to tell her about #4 being on the way she said "oh, no".  After that I always emailed the news to the family.  That way they could get all the negative response of their initial reaction out of the way privately.  By the time they responded they were able to be at least polite.  That worked much better than me hearing raw emotions and unthoughtful responses.

 

 

[HS Mom in NC]

If my parent said that I would ask the logical follow up questions with concern in my voice, "Are you having money problems? Do we all need to sit down with a financial counselor to get you back on track?If not, I think we need to take you to a neurologist because only someone with a cognitive problem would say such a thing about a new grandbaby. It's just so far out of the norm, I think you might losing your filter which can be a sign of Alzheimer's." There, you're taking care of him.

[sassenach]

13 hours ago, scholastica said:

Or answer them, "Why yes, I do. Would you like me to explain it to you? I'm surprised you don't already know at your age!"

My most shut down answer was, “Oh yeah, I really love sex. It’s my favorite.” 

Conversation stopper. 

[katilac]

I keep reading the thread title as 'having kids that are more than normal' and thinking that I have plenty to contribute, but alas, I only have two kids who are more than normal. 

[KungFuPanda]

Four isn’t really a number that’s so high. I don’t get this at all and wonder if you just live in a weird little pocket. It’s above average, but average wouldn’t BE average if there weren’t a LOT of people above it. 

I live in a HCOL suburb and I know plenty of people with 4 or more. I grew up rurally in a family of 4 and it wasn’t unusual. My 3 siblings ALL have 4 or more kids and I’m the freak with two. 

I can never relate to these posts where the OP thinks 3-4 kids is a giant stare-worthy family.

[MrsMommy]

Usually when people say stupid stuff about my five, I just ignore them, and keep going with the conversation, pretending they didn't say anything at all. But this one time, when youngest was a baby, this old man said "Don't you know what causes that?" in a really nasty way, and I was in a A Mood, so I said, "Yes, and I stopped washing our underwear together, but it didn't make a difference" and he was so confused he just kind of slunk away...

[Selkie]

34 minutes ago, KungFuPanda said:

Four isn’t really a number that’s so high. I don’t get this at all and wonder if you just live in a weird little pocket. It’s above average, but average wouldn’t BE average if there weren’t a LOT of people above it. 

I live in a HCOL suburb and I know plenty of people with 4 or more. I grew up rurally in a family of 4 and it wasn’t unusual. My 3 siblings ALL have 4 or more kids and I’m the freak with two. 

I can never relate to these posts where the OP thinks 3-4 kids is a giant stare-worthy family.

I wonder about this, too. It's interesting how this varies in different parts of the country. I've never lived anywhere where three, four, or even five kids would be considered unusual. Where we live now (midwest), I think six kids would be the tipping point where eyebrows would raise. 

[Moonhawk]

{{{}}} Op sorry about the flak you're starting to get. Been there done that. My parents were not very supportive of 3 & 4 (pre-birth, now you'd think it was their idea, lol). My sister told me in her "congrats on birth of #3" phone call that I couldn't have any more kids because "you can't love more than 3 kids and you'll just neglect them". She hung up on me when I called her to tell her I was expecting #4, lol. 

Re comments from strangers:

The "Hands full" is what I get the most. Almost a weekly basis. Usually goodnatured though and they are just trying to make conversation, so I'm friendly about it and say "it got easier once I learned to juggle", but I think I'm stealing a few lines I've seen here. For non-nice tones on this one I usually reply "Not full enough" which usually confuses them long enough to get away.

I have gotten the "how those are made" lines; mostly while pregnant. I usually respond with a "Yes, do you need some tips?" Never gotten it from a creepy man, though, usually older women. 

One thing I notice is I get more positive comments if I am super-interactive with the kids. For example; grocery shopping fast and putting stuff in the cart, moving quickly, "come on guys, move over to the side T, M don't touch that" gets more [ambivalent/negative] comments than having one kid hold the list, asking them what we're getting, have another kid weigh the produce, asking them for their opinions on what type of apples, etc. 

[SereneHome]

17 hours ago, kubiac said:

Hello! I am due with #4 in May. In our area and social milieu, having four or more kids is...not common.

We know one Orthodox Jewish family with 10, a Catholic family with 5 kids, and I have a couple of LDS friends who are from large families. But four or more is generally NOT the done thing around here.

Where I live, I find that one kid is common, two is the "norm," three is "oh how cute they like having kids and they can afford it" or "well you know those immigrants are so family-oriented," but four is "what is wrong with you are you insane?"

Sidebar rant: My parents are somewhere between irked and irate (they only had three, so that's their number). We are 41 and 42, married, happy, financially independent and have a paid-off home. Our kids are well-fed and well-educated. I need to lose weight but other than that none of us have any major health problems. My dad said we were being selfish and expressed a concern that we won't be able to take care of them in 10 years (which is totally unfair since we live two miles away, and are available at their beck and call, and heretofore they have always literally *laughed* at us if we asked if they needed any help with aging) and demanded that we find a birth control method. I was pretty much planning to get my tubes tied after this one, but I told him we do have a lot of ambivalence about birth control versus family building. Heck, just being told I *have* to do something makes me want to not do it and head in the opposite direction and do IVF to get pregnant with #5 & #6 as twins.

ANYWAY, I think we have entered the phase of our family building where we are statistically weird. Only 14 percent of American women have four or more children. I was wondering if any of you larger-family moms have any experiences or wisdom on how you manage responses to "you're nuts" or "you're being selfish" or other responses you get from people. Help?

 

At first, I thought he was referring to not being able to take care of the kids since you will be in your 50s but if he is worried about himself??  Well, I was raised to respect my elders and not be rude to them, but that would fly out of the window in NY minute after a comment like that.  I would be VERY blunt and tell him that I suggest he start touring good nursing homes now bc since I am so selfish in his opinion, I won't have the time.

I thought 4 kids would be a perfect number for us, but I was too old and too tired to even think about it, so I am the wrong person to comment on if it's "normal".

May you have the healthiest and easiest of pregnancies and be blessed with a wonderful healthy baby!

 

[Xahm]

I'm currently eight months pregnant with number 4, and my oldest is six. Four kids isn't unheard of here, but our spacing makes people wonder if we are planning on a dozen or so, I think. Actually, we are planning on four being it, but random strangers don't need that info. We get a lot of "do you know what causes that?" said jokingly, and when I respond "I thought so, but if it is what I thought, we'd have several hundred at this point, so..." the comments quickly die. We also get "it must be hard having so many so little" to which my stock response is "I haven't heard that there is any number of kids that makes things easy, but thankfully they are usually good kids." That last bit is often said with a over-the-top grin at whichever kids had been trying to drive me crazy most recently, which makes the kid laugh. Most people seem to like the acknowledgement that all families can be difficult and there is no "right" number. 

Then again, my grandmother's response when I told her we were expecting #1 was "I'm sorry," even though we were healthy, financially stable, and had been married a year. I think it was one of the first signs of cognitive decline for her, so I now try to assume, for the sake of my mental well being, that any out-and-out rude comments are the result of old age, poor health, or the like.

[moonflower]

I've heard the whole range - from "you're ruining the environment" (said by people who eat factory farmed animal products daily!) to "do you know how that happens" to the kinder versions ("you must have your hands full," "is this the last or are you having [gasp] more?!", etc)

My mom actually got me the book The Fifth Child when I was pregnant with our fifth child.  This was after she'd gotten me The Glass House when we had 3 kids and were unemployed (thanks for the vote of confidence, mom).  I had to just realize for myself that her aversion to having lots of kids came from a valid place - her own mother had had my mom at 19 then 4 more, all boys, in fairly quick succession, then freaked out and deserted the three middle boys and her husband (mom's dad) and ran off with a younger guy, taking mom and the youngest boy.  She didn't see the middle boys again, nor did mom, until they were grown.

So for mom, the idea of having lots of kids means Disaster.  Potential Ruin. 

I've taken to not even telling my mom and sister first when I'm pregnant.  Sadly (not sadly?), after DH, I announce it here, and there is always a group of people ready with good wishes.  Then, bolstered by that, I can tell my mom and my sister.

[moonflower]

1 hour ago, Margaret in CO said:

There's always the snarky answer, "SOMEONE has to pay for your Social Security!" I've used it once or twice. 

 

And not only pay social security, but physically do the work of running the country - farming the land, extracting the oil, driving the trucks, nursing the sick, doing elder care for the elderly, all of it.  I know some people have fewer kids and others have more and that is fine - but what is going to happen if everyone has a max of 2 or maybe 3 and some people have 1 or none?  We'll starve, that's what.