Is this weird, or is it just sweet?

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Ds will be turning 11 next week. All he wants for his birthday, in lieu of the Legos he had previously requested, is a night in a "fancy hotel" with his mom (me). Paying for the hotel is no problem because dh has racked up plenty of "frequent sleeper" points in the Marriott. Ds just wants time away from his sisters (mainly the three year old little darling) to get some uninterrupted Mom-time, and be king for a day. He wants to go to a big, fancy lobby (with someone playing the piano somewhere), ride in the glass elevator, sleep in big cushy bed, eat good food, and just talk to mom about "stuff".

 

The problem is that Dh thinks it's "wrong" somehow. He can't really articulate why, but he's "never heard of anyone doing that", and he doesn't like the idea one little bit. I think he's worried about an Oedipal complex brewing, though he says it's not that.

 

Dh suggested that the whole family go spend the night in the hotel, swim in their pool, and eat their food, watch their movies, etc, but Ds would rather just not go than have everyone come. The thought of the five of us in the hotel room (especially his attention-hogging little sister, and his snoring, beg-hogging big sister) just isn't as appealing. :001_smile:

 

So, it's probably pretty clear that I tend toward granting Ds's wish, but Dh suggested I bring our problem here. "Go ask your Board", he said. :)

 

So, I ask you (and your dh's). Is a mom taking her 11yods to a hotel for his birthday "weird", or just sweet? :bigear:

[Heather in the Kootenays]

I don't think it's weird at all that ds wants special attention on his birthday.

[Amie]

Would it be at all possible to get a sitter for the other children and bring your DH along? Maybe an outing with Mom and Dad would help you DH feel better about it? Just a thought...

 

ETA: I think I can see how your husband would have a (perhaps unidentifiable?) "strange" feeling about it, but I don't think it's "weird". Having come from a very large family, I can certainly relate to wanting to have alone time with the parents--I enjoyed a lot of outings with my Dad growing up. I certainly wouldn't take the whole family--that would totally defeat the purpose you son seems to have in mind.

Edited November 15, 2008 by Amie

[Tabrett]

Iwould give him his wish. I think kids need individual parent time. It is really sweet.

[Nakia]

Definitely sweet! It sounds great!

[abbeyej]

I think it's sweet and not at all abnormal. Ds' two best friends are 11yo only kiddos, and they frequently take trips with just their moms (when dads can't get away from work).

 

On the other hand, would C enjoy the same weekend but with just dad? Or what if he spent the day alone with you doing fun stuff, and then you guys switched and R took him to dinner and they spent the night out? Maybe (if C liked the idea) one of those would be more comfortable to R?

 

But I don't see anything wrong with it at all.

[OnTheBrink]

Individual Mom time is sweet. In a fancy hotel? A bit odd, imo. I think I'm with your dh on this one.

[Tree House Academy]

I think it is awesome and would jump at the chance to do that one on one with my sons. Recently, my mom broke her arm and had to stay over at the hospital for surgery. My oldest ds and I went to the area she lives in to be with her and we got a hotel. He LOVED it. He thought it was the coolest thing EVER to be there with mom. I would do it again in a heartbeat!

[Heather in Neverland]

My ds and I have done this before. But he always wants a hotel with a pool! :D It is a great age and the fact that he wants some time to talk with his mom is great...take it while you can. I frequently take my oldest out to dinner or the movies, just the two of us, and it gives us a chance to talk about things of the "future".

[Amy loves Bud]

First let me say that *I* don't think it's weird at all. But your DH is his dad and knows better than I do what is normal for his own child. We tell eachother all the time to listen to that uncomfortable feeling we all get from time to time. I think dads can get that feeling, too, and it should be honored.

 

I will say that if you don't go with just mom and son, please don't do the whole family thing *for his birthday*. Choose something else for one on one time with mom. I think it would probably be very hurtful to turn his birthday wish into something that really won't be about him at all.

[BabyBre]

Oh, those dhs are always trying to turn our babies into men!

 

I think the request itself may be a bit unusual, but I would think it's just your sweet ds's way of letting you know he wants more of you for himself. He may have chosen an activity he thinks you'd enjoy, hoping you'll be more likely to make it happen. (Have you read "The Five Love Languages of Children"? It sounds like he's a Quality Timer.)

 

If dh is absolutely opposed, skip the overnight and just stay out late for the fancy dinner and piano player or whatever you decide (what sophisticated taste!), maybe a show or something he would truely love, and enjoy each other's undivided attention.

 

I'm sure many moms would give anything for a request like this from their sweet ds!

 

Have fun!

[eaglei]

I don't think this is weird. I think it's very nice. Here are some thoughts just off the top of my head, but ultimately you know your son best! Sometimes children need time with one parent. Even boys - and sometimes especially boys. Maybe your son needs/wants to talk over something and feels you would be more interested or more understanding. Maybe you're more relaxing to go out with - more amenable to a good, non-rushed, non-scheduled, fun time, even spur-of-the-moment activities. At eleven, it won't be long till he doesn't want so much mom-time, and before long, you Mom - as you watch father and son going off someplace deep in conversation and/or activity - will be wishing you and son talked like you "used" to - all part of the growing up process! As for the high class hotel - maybe your son just has very good taste! Nothing wrong with that.:)

[chaik76]

I think it's sweet!

I know my own ds would love a day like this! (He would love for Dad to do one too...but on a separate day).

[Mom0012]

It seems like your son really just wants a full day to be the center of attention. I can totally understand why a child would want that. In fact, I just turned 40 and my own mother took me out for a full day of shopping, lunch and then for ice cream. She also paid for a jacket for my son which I had wanted. She went out of her way to make it a nice day just for me and I haven't felt that special in a long time, even though I am surrounded by a family that loves me.

 

Lisa

[yvonne]

My mother used to have to attend professional meetings out of town. She would alternate taking one of the four children (2 girls, 2 boys). Each of us _loved_ and have our own, personal, wonderful memories from those weekends away! It was the only time we had our mom's complete attention. It was definitely a bonding time for us.

 

My kids would totally relate to your son's desire to go to a hotel. We've only stayed in one a handful of times, but they think a hotel with a pool is on a par with Disneyland. :)

 

I love the previous poster's idea of you and your husband taking your son someplace special for a night, maybe a weekend/Sat night, without all the sisters, if you can find a sitter for the girls. Swim, read, play games, eat out, really be able to listen to him without the distraction of the sisters, ... What a birthday gift that would be!

 

yvonne

[Laurel]

I think it's an unusual request, but I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Hotels are fun - just like your ds said, the fancy elevator, the big cushy bed, almost an opportunity to pretend to be somebody else for a day (in a good way). Swimming at the pool, ordering room service or going to a fancy dinner, and then maybe even a movie that night? Sounds like a blast, and totally something I would have loved as a kid, especially to have that time one on one with my mom. (And I still love to stay at hotels now.)

[Guest janainaz]

I don't think it's weird. Mothers and sons do have special relationships. I have two boys, almost 9 and almost 4. My older ds sees my little one on my lap and all the hugs and kisses and I think he still wants that nurturing. I still hug him and am very close and affectionate, but as he gets older I expect more of him, expect him to do more things for himself and don't "baby" him as much. Sometimes I expect too much of him and this morning when I brought him a pillow and blanket for the couch and was kind of tucking him in and babying him a little, I saw a cute look on his face.

 

I really don't see anything wrong with a mother/son ordeal. I know mothers and sons stay close and it's a special relationship, but it won't be long before he starts to break away and be more interested in girls. I would cherish that time. If my dh really felt strongly about not liking the idea, I would probably comply, but I would need to understand from father/man point of view what he's so concerned about. It's actually more about how you dh feels about you as a mother rather than your ds. As much as I love and adore my sons, I know that me being the "woman" in their life is only for a season. Someday they will become men and I will freely cut he aprons strings so that they can cleave to their wives in a healthy way. I want that for them. But, my time with them, right now, and the quality of relationship will hopefully pave the way and lay the groundwork for them finding good wives.

 

I have heard of fathers that take their teen daughters on special trips. A friend of ours took his daughter to Paris - just him and his daughter. I think that bond is of utmost importance.

 

Just my two cents. I hope you get to go have a wonderful day with your son. I'm sure it would be a day that would be in his memory forever - in a healthy, positive way.

[Erica in PA]

How about making it into a little trip? Sight seeing in an nearby city, or visiting a museum or other attraction he would enjoy? You could still stay in a hotel as part of your trip, but it wouldn't have to be *the* focus. I would probably like to take the emphasis off of the hotel in that situation, and put it on spending time together and taking a trip somewhere that ds will enjoy.

[Tracey in TX]

Having alone time with each child is priceless. DS' desire is very sweet. I kept the kids in a hotel two nights due to house remodeling. DS asked if he could stay home from school to spend some quality time with me. It was invaluable to our relationship. Having several siblings makes it very hard to get one on one time with DCs. Sometimes each child needs some doting that don't involve the sibs.

I wouldn't think of this as an Oedipus complex. Now if he requests this at 19y/o then maybe...!;) Sounds like a really sweet boy.

[5knights3maidens]

I think this is a wonderful idea. My 11 year would love that. He's always being bothered by his younger sisters.

[C_l_e_0..Q_c]

I've done similar with my 11yo son. He was 10 at the time, though, and just couldn't take it any longer with his sister. But since we were on a budget, I took him camping. No big hotel for us that time. But what a treat it was. And it would have been different with dad around.

 

It made me realize that DS wanted to *practise* being a man. Dad being around would have killed that feeling. He took good care of me when camping. With no one he knew around, he tried out a few "romantic" things. Not really romantic as in Oedipus complex, but he's testing out how to do things. Mom, in this case, is just a safe practise board! LOL. He brought me flowers, tried to prepare some of the food. I imagine in a hotel setting he would have pulled a chair for me, held my cloak, or whatever it is that future men see in movies! LOL.

 

It was very sweet, never made me uncomfortable at all. And back at home, everything went back to what's normal for us! An Oedipeus complex would not have disappeared.

 

Little men do need to get comfortable in their upcoming role. Mom is just good practise.

[kewb]

I think it is sweet and something my 10 year old ds would request. I could see my dh being uncomfortable with it. Ds talks to me more than to dh because I am more accessible. This upsets dh greatly. Ds wanting a night alone with mom would make dh feel left out and upset. No amount of my saying this is about ds not you would really make him feel better about it.

 

I can see why your dh may be uncomfortable with it. Especially if it is not something he would have considered doing as a child. Dh and I have very different comfort levels about a variety of things: nudity, siblings showering together, children seeing parents nude, etc.

 

I think the best option would be to find a way to meet your ds' need to be alone with mom that your dh is also comfortable with.

 

For my birthday tonight the whole family will be staying overnight at a local hotel with a pool. The kids think it is the greatest thing since sliced bread.

[Remudamom]

I think it's kind of..........odd. Sorry.

[Kathy in MD]

It's a great idea! Each parent brings a different skill into the parenting mix, and it sounds as if your ds is currently wanting/needing your skill. And with it being one-on-one as opposed to bringing both parents, the attention will stay focused more on him.

 

You might talk to your ds about asking his dad soon for a special trip or activity for just the two of them. It might help with any bruised feelings. I can see where your dh might be looking forward to doing a lot of special father-son stuff as your ds gets older, and your dh's now feeling "shut out".

[RoughCollie]

I think it is sweet, not weird at all, and I'd do it in a heartbeat.

 

Having the entire family along would not sit well with any of my kids if they wanted time to be alone with me.

 

A couple of them would wish their father could come, too, but would definitely not want their siblings along. A couple would prefer just me because we would have more fun.

 

RC

[newbie]

I dont think its weird, we have had hotel parties. Cleanup is a breeze. The kids always love it and room service is their favorite.

 

Now that they are older, we are going to have to see how good they are by themselves in connecting room.

[JumpedIntoTheDeepEndFirst]

I think it is sweet.

 

Kids sometimes get a huge kick out of hotels. TV seems better, swimming pools, room services. It's just like Eloise or doesn't one of the channels have a show about kids who live in a hotel suite?

 

I think it is asking for quality time on a more adult level than chucky cheese or the zoo. A focus on what this child wants without compromises for other kids.

 

Have you asked how your ds came up with this idea and what he expects from the outing?

 

But-in the end only you will be able to judge if it is sweet or odd.

[PrairieAir]

I can understand why your dh would feel weird about it, though I really doubt there's any cause for him to be concerned. He wouldn't think it was strange if one of your daughters asked for this, would he? Does he feel it isn't a "manly" wish or something along those lines? I was going to suggest you get a sitter and both you and dh take ds for a night with all of the attention from *both* parents. I see someone else has suggested it already, so I'll second it:D It could be a really special memory for your ds.

[Jami]

I'll go with sweet.

 

It sounds like just the sort of thing my brother would have wanted to do on a birthday or for fun. (minus the piano player probably) He and my mom have a very close relationship. He is younger than I am by 6 years, so when he was in jr. high and high school it was just him at home. So he and my mom often traveled together to visit my sister and I or just to take fun trips. He's now married and the father of a son of his own, seems to be normal enough. He just really loves his mama. He and my dad are close too, but it's different with a mom I think.

[Julie in CA]

I plan a "treasure trip" as we call it, for each of my kids, once every year or two. I pretty much always pick nice hotels, so that we can indulge in the feeling of being "served" and not on the daily routine of "serving others" just for one day. I do it because:

1. We have fun and experience new places that our rural farm lifestyle wouldn't otherwise put us in contact with.

2. We have a large-ish family size, with *tons* of togetherness, including kids sharing bedrooms and pretty much being together a lot of the time, and so a break from the rest of the family seems like an extraordinarily healthy thing to do.

3. I want each kid to have their own identity that differs from the other kids, rather than a "flock" mentality where they are only valuable within the context of the larger group.

4. Fluffy pillows, room service, and t.v. watching are fun, especially when there are no cows to milk, calves to feed, farm machinery to maintain, business phone calls, algebra, basketball practice, laundry, meals, and dishes to wash! Even my kids sometimes need a break from their work, and I think in their eyes, getting along within a larger family is sometimes *work*.

 

Perhaps the reason he wanted it to be a nice hotel is simply because it's different than what he's experienced in his day-to-day life, and he wanted it to be with mom alone because it would mean a shift in mom's job for just one or two days (from teacher/parent to just enjoying each other's company and personality). Pretty perceptive on the kid's part, I think. ;)

 

I don't really see what harm could come from indulging the request, whereas I can see some really sad potential results from denying his request for more of him mom's time & attention. All he wants is a great time to connect with his mom for a few days without the encumberances of work & siblings? What a great kid! :thumbup:

[Starr]

Go and have fun! My ds would love this idea.

[Bess]

I vote for hubby and you both going with him. Leave the other kids at home. Now if he doesn't want daddy with him, then I think that's a little unhealthy. Especially at his age, I would think he should be drawing closer to daddy.

[Word Nerd]

I don't think it's weird. I can see why your DH might be uncomfortable with it because he wouldn't be included. Maybe you could suggest bringing him along or planning a different outing with just him and his dad.

[Remudamom]

Yep. In my opinion it's odd. Boys that age need to start identifying with their dad, especially if they are homeschooling with mom and sisters all day.

[Julie in CA]

Now if he doesn't want daddy with him, then I think that's a little unhealthy.

My kids love their dad. Really. (but...)

My dh is a wonderful man, but very "driven".

 

He works on our farm from 5:30 a.m. every day. Once in a while he's able to go out and have fun with us, but in general he's still unable to just sit, relax, and talk. It's not fun for him, and it's not fun for us when we try and go against his personality that way.

 

When my kids want to "relate" to dad, they go out and work in the yard with him, work on the car with him, go to town and run errands with him, and talk about everything under the sun, but when they want to relax, it's a different thing altogether. My kids enjoy both the active time with dad, and the occasional relaxing time away with mom.

 

Still not thinkin' it's weird. If you met my boys (even my big boys) they're very healthy and secure in their masculinity, have a great relationship with their dad, and still enjoy the occasional relaxing vacation with their mom. After all, relaxing is one of my special talents! ;)

[Scarlett]

Still not thinkin' it's weird. If you met my boys (even my big boys) they're very healthy and secure in their masculinity, have a great relationship with their dad, and still enjoy the occasional relaxing vacation with their mom. After all, relaxing is one of my special talents! ;)

 

I'm with you. I don't think a night at a hotel with mom will make or break the relationship with dad.

 

I think the kid wants a day without his siblings. I think he chose the hotel because he thinks it is something his mom will like too.

Edited November 15, 2008 by Scarlett

[Parrothead]

When I read the first part of the OP, I though it was a bit weird. Then I read your ds's reasoning behind the proposed trip, now it is perfectly understandable.

 

I'd make it a right-of-passage thing. When each child hits this birthday age they each get a night in a fancy hotel with mom.

[Kathy in MD]

Yep. In my opinion it's odd. Boys that age need to start identifying with their dad, especially if they are homeschooling with mom and sisters all day.

 

But they don't need to move their relationship with their mother to 2nd place to do that. Another poster spelled out that her ds's liked to do DIFFERENT things with each of their parents because she and her dh had very different personalities. This is very likely why her ds asked for his mom for this trip.

 

I'd like to add yet another perspective to looking at this. When my ds was in a private school, the principal would talk about the withdrawl we should expect as our dc hit puberty. And it seemed to me that the school, in supporting this natural withdrawl, seemed to be over-encouraging it, actually forcably separating parent and child. Now many on the board will be jumping up and down, yelling about how the schools are trying to reduce family influence and even weaken the family.

 

But are we, the parents, not doing the same thing when we insist that "You're now 11. You shouldn't want to spend much time alone with your mom outside of school". I repeat, each parent brings different skills and personalities to the parenting table. To start labeling as odd a desire to spend time with another parent and trying to **force** same sex pairing between child and parent can cause just as much damage as the schools' efforts to encourage teen separation.

 

My father was very much a man and in his 30's when he was married. When things were rough at work he would go and spend time with his MOTHER-in-LAW. Why? Because she was restful, he could talk and she would listen, and he could relax. So why should we say it's odd for an 11 yo to want to spend alone time with his mother?

(BTW, my mother told me this many, many times. She loved this calm characteristic of her mother and she was happy that my father could relax with her mother)

[Peela]

I vote just sweet, but as a compomise- because dh's feelings are his feelings, nothing wrong with them- a babysitter sounds good, and dh comes along.

But maybe ds especially wants time with just mum. I think its sweet.

[JWSJ]

My wife and son would love doing something like that.

 

Our daughter is a major Mommy time grabber.

[Garga]

Sounds great to me! I would have LOVED something like that as a kid. Nothing weird about it at all.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Wow! Thank you all for your thoughtful responses. Dh is feeling better about it now. I think his feeling left out was the major factor. He's always sad when the kids aren't excited about the things that excite him (flying and stargazing, esp.) And, he didn't want to miss ds's birthday. So, it's decided that I will take ds for his special (away from his sisters) mom-time. We'll go the evening before his birthday, and come back after lunch on his birthday. Then, we'll spend the afternoon as a family, doing fun stuff, and invite the extended family over for cake in the evening.

 

I want to thank you all again for responding. Ds will be thrilled when we tell him. :D

 

I'm kind of looking forward to it myself. It's so hard to carve out individual attention for one child. And, this child gets more than his share of the negative variety. It will be wonderful to be able to just relax and be waited on, and let him talk to his heart's content.

 

BTW, Dh has no desire to go to a hotel. He spent four nights this week in Boston, and three nights last week in Colorado, and three nights three weeks ago in Pittsburg. He's had way too much hotel time. I'm hoping he'll make a special time of it with the girls.

 

Thanks again,

Suzanne

Edited November 16, 2008 by Suzanne in ABQ

[klmama]

Absolutely sweet! Not weird at all.

[Jean in Newcastle]

It sounds like you and your dh have worked out a wonderful plan. Your ds is a lucky young man!

[orangearrow]

We've recently started a tradition of dh taking one kid at a time on a trip. We're trying to do one to two trips each year (maybe camping over the weekend or going to a new town to visit a museum). He and our 2nd dd are going to fly to FL and stay with his mom for a few days in the spring. He likes to travel - the kids like to travel - but I do not. So, this is a great way for him to get one on one time with each of the kids.

 

One on one time in a family of more than one child is just a rare event! My kids treasure it more than almost anything! They love having memories that only involve them and their mom or dad - their own special stories to share. Sometimes dh will take two of the kids for the weekend to visit family and I'll keep one of them home with me. We play "fun" stuff to do (each kid usually has a pre-made list ready for me! ROFLOL) and we spend the whole weekend just talking (uninterrupted), watching movies, whatever! It's an absolute blast! Getting to talk to them without anyone else around is SO different than our normal daily interactions. :001_smile:

[Cherrie]

dd 12 wanted a sleep over party and we couldn't do it at our house because of major renos. So we went to a nice hotel with a pool and large slide. Everyone had a great time.

 

My I suggest asking ds if he would like a sleep over at a hotel and have your husband attend instead. If he isn't interested than I think you should do it the way he has asked perhaps he needs time away from younger sibling.

 

I would be so happy if my son ever wanted to spend time with me and he is 19. You are doing a good job if he wants to spend his special day with you.

[Colleen]

I wouldn't say your son's wish is "weird" per se, but it's not "sweet" to me, either. I'm more in the minority camp, along with Remudamom, in that I find it a bit odd. I mean, I have a good relationship with all my boys and I do many things with them, without my dh along. But I 'd be surprised if one of my guys expressed a desire to go spend a night away with just me. I'd wonder why he wouldn't want to have his dad on board. To that end, I'd suggest, if I were you, that you and dh both do something special with just your son.

[Cindyg]

I can see why dad thinks it's a little weird; but if ds wanted a night away with Dad, would Dad think it was weird? (I bet not.)

 

I think it's SUPER sweet, and frankly, I'm jealous. I wish my little boy still loved his mommy.

 

(I second the idea of taking dad along, if that wouldn't "ruin" things for your son. I see NOTHING wrong with just the two of you going.)

[Pongo]

I think it's kind of..........odd. Sorry.

 

My first response was ..hum..not so strange. Although my ds would spend any moment of alone time with his dad, by choice. Then I read it to my dh and he agreed with your dh, he felt it was a strange request.

 

I said well so far the majority on the board doesn't find it strange, he said what to you expect, they are all women.:D

[Laura in VA]

Does your husband want you to do it? If he feels it's odd, I would not do it. I would not want to do anything that might make my dh feel alienated from any of our children. Is there a way that your ds and dh could do something during the day together (alone, you know man-stuff), and then you and ds could do something special that evening? I'd really try to bring dh in on the celebration somehow so he does not feel left out and I think it's really important that sons spend bonding time with their dads. And, if you do spend the night in the hotel, remember to book a room with two double beds. :D

Kidding aside, my husband would not spend the night with my daughter in a hotel. It would make him feel uncomfortable. They have lots of what we call "Daddy-daughter" dates where they might run errands together and get ice cream.