S/O: Younger men, older women

[DawnM]

I was shocked when I found out that a local mom had started dating her daughter's prom date.  They actually got married!  I think when they married he was 20 and she was 44 or 45.   

 

I realize they are both consenting adults, so this isn't really about statutory r*pe, but the age gap is large.

 

Who do you know who has married or dated someone with a large age gap?

[regentrude]

A friend of my parents married a man 25 or so years younger. It went well for a time, but ended very badly, with him seeking out younger women.

OTOH, my mom's voice teacher lived with a man 20 years younger for many decades; they never married, but he faithfully cared for her until her death in her 80s.

[AK_Mom4]

My uncle and his first wife had kids - these cousins are all just a little older than me.

My uncle’s second wife is my age. They have three kids that are the same ages as my three older kids.

 

It has worked out fine for my uncle and his wife. They are married still. She works as a teacher and he is retired.

 

ETA sorry just realized you were looking for examples with older women.

Edited February 9, 2018 by AK_Mom4

[G5052]

The age gap doesn't bother me as much as the idea of marrying someone my daughter dated. I'd feel awkward!

[DawnM]

I will probably get some backlash for saying this, but I believe there is something mentally "off" about seeing someone in the age range of your children as sexual objects. I look at young 20-something men and all I can see is my own sons. When I see 50 year old men, I see potential sexual partners. (Well, not really. I am happily married, after all. But you get my point.)

 

I will admit that sometimes I see someone and it takes me back......NOT that I want to date them at all......it just makes me think, "He would have been someone I would have been interested in if I were still that age."  And that is usually followed with a "who do I know who is single and that age?"

 

Is that weird?  I am also happily married and have no plans to leave him or change partners, but sometimes I feel so......OLD....and I miss being young again.  My 20s were some really fun, exciting, ready to take on the world years and I wish I could regain some of that in my 50s.  

 

But some cynicism has crept in and complacency.  

 

There was a guy I worked with last year.  He is in his late 20s.....and I saw so much of my former-self in  him.....he is involved, taking on the challenge of making the world better.....politically, socially, and otherwise.....and I thought, "Man, that used to be me!  Before kids.  Before a lot of things."

Edited February 9, 2018 by DawnM

[gardenmom5]

as long as they're over 18 - though I think it should be over 21.

marrying the guy her daughter was dating?  eww.

 

I do know a woman who was in her late 40's/50? - married a guy in his late?20's.  . . . . .  they got divorced.   tbh - I think she might have been one of the "most surprised" at the outcome.

[Corraleno]

If they'd met at work or in some other context where they were equals, the age gap would be no big deal, but the idea of going after your daughter's prom date seems rather creepy and predatory to me.  :ack2:

[Above The Rowan]

My husband and I are about 7 yrs apart (I'm the older one).

 

A friend of his who is the same age as my husband, has been dating a woman for a LONG time whose son is younger than he is. When I first met them I thought "whoa, now I don't feel so bad about our age gap" and then I thought it was weird. But the more I've gotten to know them, and the longer they just stay together happily I'm like "well, good for her then!" She's a really beautiful, sweet woman who is really kind and easy to get along with. He's a really laid back guy and super friendly. They have a great relationship.

 

We also have an acquaintance with another big age gap, but it's the man who's the older and the girl is quite a lot younger than he. They're great together, and seem very happy and their relationship seems healthy and pretty solid.

 

I cannot imagine when my son is older, dating someone who he went to school with, though. I don't think the age gap in the OP is the issue - I think it's SUPER weird to marry someone who your child dated.

[solascriptura]

It’s pretty weird. I just can’t imagine being the daughter and having an old boyfriend as a step dad. Weird! As the older woman, I’d become very insecure. Aging is hard enough for women with husbands of similar ages. Have a much younger husband? Demi Moore with Ashton Kutcher. Remember them?

[EKS]

I have had relationships with men who were 18 and 16 years older than me (when I was 17 and 21, respectively).  My husband is only 9 years older than me, which seems like nothing by comparison!

 

I will say that while I apparently have a tolerance for extreme differences in age when the man is older, the reverse isn't true at all, and that even small differences the other way seem weird to me.

Edited February 10, 2018 by EKS

[MotherGoose]

I will probably get some backlash for saying this, but I believe there is something mentally "off" about seeing someone in the age range of your children as sexual objects. I look at young 20-something men and all I can see is my own sons. When I see 50 year old men, I see potential sexual partners. (Well, not really. I am happily married, after all. But you get my point.)

I get what you are saying. There are some young men who are nice eye candy in ways a 50ish man isn't though. But actually following through and having a relationship? No. I'm also happily married.

[Laura Corin]

My stepmother is only six years older than my eldest brother. When she and my father met, she was about twenty-three and my father forty-three. They were happily together for 33 years until my father's death.

[MedicMom]

My stepmother is only six years older than my eldest brother. When she and my father met, she was about twenty-three and my father forty-three. They were happily together for 33 years until my father's death.

My grandfather and step grandmother were a similar gap. 20 years, I think. She was only a year older than my mom. They were very happy until her premature death. I miss her a lot.

[Donna]

There is a couple we see at area festivals and the man is 20+ years younger than the woman. She must be in her late 60's-early 70's and he is in his 40's. They are very active, travel often together, and are always dancing together at the festivals. They are obviously very much in love and very sweet. 

[gardenmom5]

I will probably get some backlash for saying this, but I believe there is something mentally "off" about seeing someone in the age range of your children as sexual objects. I look at young 20-something men and all I can see is my own sons. When I see 50 year old men, I see potential sexual partners. (Well, not really. I am happily married, after all. But you get my point.)

 

same with the other way - much older man being involved with a woman the same age as their own daughters.

 

My niece had enough male/father interpersonal issues before my brother married his third/current wife, who is plenty young enough to be his own daughter.  (and I do think he likes her language barrier so she hasn't realized what a jerk he can be.). his oldest daughter is having a really really hard time with it.

 

but yeah- I see men this age, and I can find them great guys, etc.  but some of them, not only do I think of them as being like my  sons - I think they're too young for *my, single, dd.*

[Heatherwith4]

The age gap does not bother me at all. Dating someone your child has dated is weird. As in, I don’t have words weird.

[Selkie]

Back in high school, my brother was dating a girl he was crazy about. After they'd been together for a few months, she became distant and started making excuses to avoid spending time with him. Then one day, she just up and disappeared. It turned out that she and her male neighbor had fallen in love and run away together. She was 17 and the guy was in his 50's, and he and his wife were best friends with her parents. It was quite the shocking scandal in our small town! I think their relationship only lasted a few years.  

[sassenach]

DH and I have the largest age gap we know....7.5.

 

An age gap like that, as long everyone is an adult, is unusual but not strange to me, if that makes sense.

 

But dating someone your kid dated? No. Just no.

 

ETA: The age gap between that couple is greater than the age gap between myself and my own daughter.

It’s greater than the gap between myself and all 4 of my kids!

 

I just don’t see it as healthy. Yes they’re adults but it’s still weird.

[wonderchica]

I know a couple mothers of my old high school classmates who ended up dated some of our male classmates when we were in our 20s. It was very weird. They were younger mothers to start with, though.

[Scarlett]

I was shocked when I found out that a local mom had started dating her daughter's prom date.  They actually got married!  I think when they married he was 20 and she was 44 or 45.   

 

I realize they are both consenting adults, so this isn't really about statutory r*pe, but the age gap is large.

 

Who do you know who has married or dated someone with a large age gap?

 

 

I know a couple.  He was 23 and she was about 45.  They are going on 3 years....they seem happy.  She has grown kids....her adult son was friends with her son.....that is how they met.  Kinda of weirds me out, but meh, whatever I guess.

[Crimson Wife]

49 and 25 doesn’t bother me as much as 44 and 20 does. There is a lot of maturity that comes in those 5 years

 

 

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[SparklyUnicorn]

Meh...to each their own.  I'm happily married, but I don't mind looking at younger guys. 

[Jenny in Florida]

My youngest brother-in-law married a woman who is about 17 years younger than he is. She had been married before and had several children, the oldest of who is only a couple of years younger than my brother-in-law.

 

At the time, my in-laws were not supportive. 

 

They have been married for over 20 years now, however, and their marriage seems very solid. They have one child together, who is 20-ish. They were in town recently doing the WDW thing, along with most of the other kids, some of their significant others and children, and a few friends of the family. It was a big, chaotic group, but everyone seems reasonably happy and comfortable.

[Bluegoat]

Hmm, for older women and younger men, I don't know many.  My mom is about 7 years older than my step-dad, but that's not quite in the range of a big difference.

 

I do know one women who is dating a man a good bit younger, I guess she is about 35 and he is 25 - so only 10 years but kind of a significant 10, especially since she is divorced and has a child.  I think he's using her, he seems to have a pattern of dating older women who can take care of him while he loafs around.  I think she is having a kind of an ego boost after the divorce.

 

I suppose it's a stereotype, but I think women are much less likely to be interested in men who read as "young" to them than men to be interested in younger women.  I don't think that's a cultural thing particularly.  

 

Anyway, I'm not particularly against an age gap, even a good sized one.  I dated a guy for a while who was 23 years older than me.  

 

ETA: But I really cannot see dating someone my child had dated.  I'm pretty sure there is some etiquette against that.

Edited February 10, 2018 by Bluegoat

[Bluegoat]

Oh, I just thought of another couple.  It was a woman who was an Anglican priest, she married a male Anglican priest who was about 15 years younger than her.  

 

They made an odd couple, it was his first marriage but she was divorced and had four kids.  He was pretty young looking even then, she was great haired and shaped like a ball.  But they were very dedicated to each other.

[nixpix5]

My mom married my stepdad about 20 years ago. He is 11 years younger than her. She looks and acts younger than her age so it works for them.

[Bluegoat]

My stepmother is only six years older than my eldest brother. When she and my father met, she was about twenty-three and my father forty-three. They were happily together for 33 years until my father's death.

 

My grandmother's parents were a bit like that.  When they married, she was 26 and he was about 63.  He had two grown daughters  though and they were so scandalized they left England and went to the Canadian prairies.  

[8circles]

My MIL married a man 27 years her junior. He is not old enough to be DH's father and went to the same high school as DH did. Surprisingly, it isn't weird. He clearly needed a motherly figure and for her part, choosing someone like that made it feel less like she replaced DH's father who died very young. They've been together for longer than DH & I although they didn't marry until the year after we did - so 20 years married, together longer.

 

ETA: clarify

Edited February 10, 2018 by 8circles

[wintermom]

Not every marriage is about two people coming together as equals with similar life-experiences. Some are more about escape, convenience, and security. Larger age differences would be more common, then. I'm not trying to judge, just pointing out the reality for many situations. Whether the two individuals love each other before or into the marriage, and whether the marriage lasts decades is in a different category. Romantic love before marriage isn't always a thing in many cultures and situations, just as romantic love can sometimes be present in people of very different ages and life experiences. 

 

 

Edited February 10, 2018 by wintermom

[DawnM]

My MIL married a man 27 years her junior. He is not old enough to be DH's father and went to the same high school as DH did. Surprisingly, it isn't weird. He clearly needed a motherly figure and choosing someone like that made it feel less like she replaced DH's father who died very young. They've been together for longer than DH & I although they didn't marry until the year after we did - so 20 years married, together longer.

 

Oh, you reminded me of another one.

 

My friend in California went to a Christian high school.  She dated the principal's son.  That kid had an affair with her mother while they were dating!  And she left her husband for him.  He was 18 and she was in her early 40s or so.  

 

That was 20 years ago.  They are still married.  

 

It is just weird.

[Bluegoat]

Not every marriage is about two people coming together as equals with similar life-experiences. Some are more about escape, convenience, and security. Larger age differences would be more common, then. I'm not trying to judge, just pointing out the reality for many situations. Whether the two individuals love each other before or into the marriage, and whether the marriage lasts decades is in a different category. Romantic love before marriage isn't always a thing in many cultures and situations, just as romantic love can sometimes be present in people of very different ages and life experiences. 

 

I think this is a big part of it.  Though I think that escape and convenience in particular seem negative.  What about creation of a family unit as a goal?  Desire for a similar lifestyle?

 

We tend to see marriage in some ways as a variation on friendship.  That's not the only way to think about it or the most common way in terms of the bigger picture.  I'm not sure we could even say it's clearly the most successful way.

[Bluegoat]

Oh, you reminded me of another one.

 

My friend in California went to a Christian high school.  She dated the principal's son.  That kid had an affair with her mother while they were dating!  And she left her husband for him.  He was 18 and she was in her early 40s or so.  

 

That was 20 years ago.  They are still married.  

 

It is just weird.

 

OK, that reminds me of two others, but both very negative.

 

In one case the mom was sleeping with her teen daughters boyfriend.  Everyone including the daughter knew.  Mom was very promiscuous and I think likely mentally ill or maybe an addict.  

 

In another case, I was about 12 and was shocked to find out that a 14 year old in my dad's rural community had left home and was living with a man who was 30.  For whatever reason though everyone disapproved no one seemed to involve authorities - I don't know if anything else was done.

 

Anyway, just a few years ago my dad moved back to that area and remarried.  I came to find out that my step-mom worked with this woman who had been the 13 year old.  She'd stayed with him about 15 years, they married eventually and had two kids, then she left him.  She was kind of an odd personality, very hard working and independent, and actually pretty successful in her own way.  I don't know what became of him, other than everyone thought he was a loser.

[gstharr]

Not every marriage is about two people coming together as equals with similar life-experiences. Some are more about escape, convenience, and security. Larger age differences would be more common, then. I'm not trying to judge, just pointing out the reality for many situations. Whether the two individuals love each other before or into the marriage, and whether the marriage lasts decades is in a different category. Romantic love before marriage isn't always a thing in many cultures and situations, just as romantic love can sometimes be present in people of very different ages and life experiences. 

 

If mail order brides count in this discussion, then I know at least 25 couples where the age difference is at least 20 years.  The brides I know come from one country in particular.  The marriages last about 7 years--long enough to learn English, obtain citizenship, and bring mom and dad over.  But one couple, the husband was 72, and bride 20.  I thought money grubber all the way, but until he passed 15 years later, she always showed affection and respect. She did end up, at the age of 35,  with a large fully paid home, life insurance, several  pensions of nearly $4k per month for life ( I believe she cannot  technically remarry to keep benefits)

[DawnM]

If mail order brides count in this discussion, then I know at least 25 couples where the age difference is at least 20 years.  The brides I know come from one country in particular.  The marriages last about 7 years--long enough to learn English, obtain citizenship, and bring mom and dad over.  But one couple, the husband was 72, and bride 20.  I thought money grubber all the way, but until he passed 15 years later, she always showed affection and respect. She did end up, at the age of 35,  with a large fully paid home, life insurance, several  pensions of nearly $4k per month for life ( I believe she cannot  technically remarry to keep benefits)

 

How do you know these people?

I only have ever known of one, and it was a school nurse (male) who was in his 40s and got a bride from the Philippines.  It was all so weird.  No idea if they are still together and I am not sure how old she was.

[Catwoman]

How do you know these people?

I only have ever known of one, and it was a school nurse (male) who was in his 40s and got a bride from the Philippines. It was all so weird. No idea if they are still together and I am not sure how old she was.

I have to admit that I was wondering how she knew that many mail order brides, as well!

[gstharr]

My work brings me into contact.

[Mommyof1]

I'm 12 years older then my husband. He was in his 30s and I in my 40s when we married and had a daughter.

 

He for most of his life dated older women. He said they were more stable and there was a lot less drama.

 

I dated guys around my age.

 

He is an old soul and we just fit.

 

He works very hard to make sure I can stay home with our daughter and homeschool her. Which he also helps with.

 

For both of us, our priorities are God and family.

[ktgrok]

If they'd met at work or in some other context where they were equals, the age gap would be no big deal, but the idea of going after your daughter's prom date seems rather creepy and predatory to me.  :ack2:

 

Yeah, that screams dysfunctional relationship to me, in so many many ways. 

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[KungFuPanda]

Not my cup of tea, but to get a chance to NOT outlive your husband by decades . . . My Mamaw is 93. She never remarried after my Papaw died in his 60s. That sucks.

[8circles]

Not my cup of tea, but to get a chance to NOT outlive your husband by decades . . . My Mamaw is 93. She never remarried after my Papaw died in his 60s. That sucks.

 

I have ZERO doubt that this applies to my MIL choosing a young man for husband #2.

[LMD]

Meh...to each their own. I'm happily married, but I don't mind looking at younger guys.

Maybe, but then they open their mouth and it's like 'awww, you're just a baby!'

[SparklyUnicorn]

Maybe, but then they open their mouth and it's like 'awww, you're just a baby!'

 

depends on the person....some people are never babies past being an actual baby

[LMD]

depends on the person....some people are never babies past being an actual baby

Sure. Listening to 20 year olds immediately puts me in mother mode lol.

Edited February 10, 2018 by LMD

[SparklyUnicorn]

Sure. Listening to 20 year olds immediately puts me in mother mode lol.

 

Not me

 

Not saying I'm necessarily attracted to 20 year olds.  Just saying it really is an individual (personality) thing more than the age.

[Sandwalker]

The thing is is that the power in the relationship will likely become more and more uneven as they age. Women have the most power when they are young, fertile, and attractive. We may not like it, but thems the facts.

[kiwik]

We have an ideal marriage in our minds that the scenario doesn't fit. But how many marriages meet that ideal even if the people were born on the same day?

[Wheres Toto]

DH and I have the largest age gap we know....7.5. 

 

An age gap like that, as long everyone is an adult, is unusual but not strange to me, if that makes sense.

 

But dating someone your kid dated?  No.   Just no. 

 

ETA:  The age gap between that couple is greater than the age gap between myself and my own daughter. 

 

Between me and my oldest as well.   

 

The creepiness is definitely in dating someone who used to date your child.  Icky.

 

Dh is 13 years old than me, which is a pretty big gap.  Shortly before I started dating him, I dated a guy who was 10 years younger than me, almost to the day.  I was 33 and he was 23.  I thought he was older and was a little shocked when I found out.  We definitely had issues related to age and the differences in life experience.  Maybe if we were both 10 years older it wouldn't have mattered so much.

[Crimson Wife]

Sure. Listening to 20 year olds immediately puts me in mother mode lol.

 

Somebody who is 20, 21 okay. But some guys in their mid-20's are fully mature and I could theoretically picture myself dating them if I were single (I'm 41).  It would be a bit weird since they'd be similar in age to my youngest brother and DH's brother. But not "robbing the cradle" type icky like somebody college-aged.

[SparklyUnicorn]

The thing is is that the power in the relationship will likely become more and more uneven as they age. Women have the most power when they are young, fertile, and attractive. We may not like it, but thems the facts.

 

Probably.  My "theory" as to why I'm not so much into older guys is my dad had me very young so anything too far off in age to me in that direction starts feeling like daddy territory and that is DEFINITELY not something I'm interested in.  KWIM?

 

But different strokes for different folks.  Some particularly like older.  My younger sister married a significantly older guy.

 

I guess I'd wonder why any 20 something year old guy would be interested in me. I'd have to wonder about him.  LOL  That might be too much for me to overcome mentally.

 

I've always gone out with guys my same age or a tad younger. 

[SeaConquest]

I will probably get some backlash for saying this, but I believe there is something mentally "off" about seeing someone in the age range of your children as sexual objects. I look at young 20-something men and all I can see is my own sons. When I see 50 year old men, I see potential sexual partners. (Well, not really. I am happily married, after all. But you get my point.)

 

Perhaps because my boys are 9 and 4, I still see guys in their 20s as sexual partners (though, again, happily married). Or, perhaps, because I refuse to think of myself as 43! (As an aside, my honeypot of a DH is 6.5 years younger than me.)