Downgraded Role as Mom? VENT & JAWM, please

[StephanieZ]

Sometime between ages 11 and 14, it seems that my role in my kids' lives (in their perspective) is downgraded from heroine to villain.

 

It seems to get upgraded again by late teens, that's true, but that expectation/understanding doesn't relieve the pain of being seen as the opposition when, as I'm sure you all know and also experience, I am my kids *biggest* fan and supporter in the universe. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them . . .

 

I pretty much accept this as reality, and yes, I went through that, too, as a teen, but it still really annoys me and discourages me. 

 

I experienced it much less with my oldest, to the nines with my middle, and with my youngest, it's just hitting it's peak today. A couple weeks ago, I was her hero . . . today, her nemesis. 

 

My eldest is/was just a really easy going and appreciative kid. My middle was much tougher but is slowly coming around after a rough several years and much effort and growth on all our parts . . . My youngest is now experimenting with the parents-are-the-enemy perspective that her older brother just in recent months began to let go of . . . 

 

Honestly, she's not too deep into it, and I think it's retrievable, and I have more skills and experience parenting teens than I did the first two go-rounds, but, maybe because she's my baby and the last one whose "mom is hero" perspective I could once rely on . . . It just stings and hurts.

 

I also feel like the teens lose out on so much not having the comfort and faith that their parents are their allies. So, it worries me not only from my selfish perspective of losing that warm-fuzzy-loving relationship but also from the perspective or worrying about their own happiness, mental health, etc. 

 

Some days, some months, some years, it seems my role is to just drive and financially support the good things (activities, friends, travel, etc.) in my kids' lives. Of course, I found and arranged said good things; but, that doesn't count. I'm still just wheels and a checkbook.

 

Parenting teens bites. Just needed to share that. 

 

Gentle advice and/or commiseration is welcome. Criticism is not. Thanks much. 

 

 

Edited July 15, 2017 by StephanieZ

[Matryoshka]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:   And right there with you.  The key is not to take it personally, but it is soooooo hard not to.  So much easier said than done!

 

I have to say those early high school years when it seemed like my only role was taxi service and food provider (I'd say cook, but they often didn't want what I cooked, so no appreciation there either) ... those were the worst as far as feeling fulfillment in my parenting role...

[NorthwestMom]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Don't take it personally. I think a LOT of them do that at this age. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

Yeah, we've gone through it and are coming out the other side too for my youngest.  What really helped (and I'm sure you do similar)  is I told her regularly that "I am not your enemy, everything I do I do for you (and it's 100% true) I would never purposefully try to hurt you or keep you from doing what you want out of spite or meanness." I always let her see my face and eyes (usually tearing up) so she knew I was serious and honest.... that I truly believed that making her, or not letting her, do something was what I believed to be best.  I also made sure that when I was wrong or reversed a decision she knew why (not because of a fit she threw).  She is fast becoming a friend and I expect one day we'll be best friends.  

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

1.  I had to find a way deep inside myself to accept that this is developmentally normal and our relationship would need to shift.  I had to accept that they didn't need me or even want me around the way they had when they were younger but that they weren't actually rejecting me as Mom, they were trying to grow up and gain some space from our previous roles.

2.  I had to find things that mattered to me that were not tied to my kids and focus on those things to fulfill me.

3.  I worked hard to still be around and listening if the kids were open to it but to let it be more on their timetable, not mine.  For instance, sometimes in those days with DD, she might be sitting nearby listening to music and sketching.  She was in her own zone and had no desire for Mom to butt in.  I did my own thing and worked hard not to indicate even with body language that I was sad or hurt that we weren't hanging out doing something together.  If she paused her music to share something with me, I listened attentively, maybe asked a question or two if she seemed amenable, but I did immediately listen and for those few minutes we would be sharing a special moment that mattered to her.  Over time those little moments eventually built up into longer moments and we are now really close again.  From birth she was not an easy child to raise but I did love so much about those early years.  Pre-teen, early teen years were tough but when I stopped working so hard to impose my own views and desires on our relationship our relationship improved.

4.  My own emotional issues should not be on her shoulders since she was going through a normal phase and a necessary one.  I had to make sure that she understood rules were there for the good of everyone and I was not the enemy but I had to work hard not to take it personally if she pushed back.  Again, developmentally normal.  

5.  I had to work hard to focus on the people they are growing into and to embrace that, support that, and give them that room to grow.  Although I mourn the loss of the early years and it is sometimes hard to accept that those years are forever gone, I try every day to embrace some positive about their future (immediate and long term).  Other wise I dwell in the past and it is unhealthy.  

 

Hugs

 

[MEmama]

:grouphug:

[Valley Girl]

No criticism. Just lots of sympathy. You know you're a good mom. One day their hormone-battered little brains will wake up and realize it again.

[goldberry]

Yeah, we've gone through it and are coming out the other side too for my youngest.  What really helped (and I'm sure you do similar)  is I told her regularly that "I am not your enemy, everything I do I do for you (and it's 100% true) I would never purposefully try to hurt you or keep you from doing what you want out of spite or meanness." I always let her see my face and eyes (usually tearing up) so she knew I was serious and honest.... that I truly believed that making her, or not letting her, do something was what I believed to be best.  I also made sure that when I was wrong or reversed a decision she knew why (not because of a fit she threw).  She is fast becoming a friend and I expect one day we'll be best friends.  

 

This is a good approach and worked well with DD when she would get over the top.  She needed to be reminded that I am a human and that yes, she can hurt me.

 

I try to remind myself that this is developmentally all about biology.  They are getting ready to separate from the nest.  It hurts (yes, sometimes so bad!) but it is NOT ABOUT ME.   Just keep repeating that, IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU.

 

:grouphug:

Edited July 15, 2017 by goldberry

[goldberry]

 

4.  My own emotional issues should not be on her shoulders since she was going through a normal phase and a necessary one.

 

This is so true.  Once last year I had somewhat of a crying bit because I was so sad just "missing" her.  She tried to comfort me.  But I pulled myself together to let her know, this was normal.  This was my thing and I was sad, but it was normal and she needed to keep right on growing etc.  But could you sort of at least remember this the next time you feel like biting my head off?   :lol:

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[freesia]

Aww, me, too.

 

I use the "I am not the enemy phrase" a lot.  I agree that things would go so much better if they didn't do this, but they do,so it must be a somewhat necessary part of growing up and becoming independent.  And it helps to recognize (in my head) where they do listen to me.

 

And there was the point last year that when I realized that I was playing the part of the "ignorant" parent in a sitcom (or drama or romantic comedy).   I was the "non-understanding, stubborn, stick-in the mud"getting in the way of "true love" and if I only understood and wasn't so old and overprotective. . . .   Only I wasn't.  I was right and the boundaries I (we) set were right. But, I was the "bad guy" NOT the true "bad guy" who, in the story, was the hero (and ever wrote poems about being the hero).  OH.MY.GOODNESS.

 

But everyone upthread (OP included) is right.  It's just way harder to live this stage than I thought!ACK!

[freesia]

dp

Edited July 15, 2017 by freesia

[gardenmom5]

developmental stage.  it sucks.  I don't want to do it again.  1ds thinks its hilarious . . . :glare:

yesterday - dudeling was griping to 1ds's gf about how he hates me.  she had no idea why (he certainly wasn't going to tell her anything incriminating to his position)  . . I told 1ds what happened - and he thought it was hilarious . . . :glare:

at least 1ds almost always backs me. (if he doesn't, he will give his reasons why.  but he still respects I'm mom by not undermining me.) this matters as dudeling adores 1ds.

 

but dudeling can both hate me and desperately need me in the same day . .  :glare:

 

I'm not excited about parenting my fifth teen . . . . :glare:

[gardenmom5]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

1.  I had to find a way deep inside myself to accept that this is developmentally normal and our relationship would need to shift.  I had to accept that they didn't need me or even want me around the way they had when they were younger but that they weren't actually rejecting me as Mom, they were trying to grow up and gain some space from our previous roles.

2.  I had to find things that mattered to me that were not tied to my kids and focus on those things to fulfill me.

3.  I worked hard to still be around and listening if the kids were open to it but to let it be more on their timetable, not mine.  For instance, sometimes in those days with DD, she might be sitting nearby listening to music and sketching.  She was in her own zone and had no desire for Mom to butt in.  I did my own thing and worked hard not to indicate even with body language that I was sad or hurt that we weren't hanging out doing something together.  If she paused her music to share something with me, I listened attentively, maybe asked a question or two if she seemed amenable, but I did immediately listen and for those few minutes we would be sharing a special moment that mattered to her.  Over time those little moments eventually built up into longer moments and we are now really close again.  From birth she was not an easy child to raise but I did love so much about those early years.  Pre-teen, early teen years were tough but when I stopped working so hard to impose my own views and desires on our relationship our relationship improved.

4.  My own emotional issues should not be on her shoulders since she was going through a normal phase and a necessary one.  I had to make sure that she understood rules were there for the good of everyone and I was not the enemy but I had to work hard not to take it personally if she pushed back.  Again, developmentally normal.  

5.  I had to work hard to focus on the people they are growing into and to embrace that, support that, and give them that room to grow.  Although I mourn the loss of the early years and it is sometimes hard to accept that those years are forever gone, I try every day to embrace some positive about their future (immediate and long term).  Other wise I dwell in the past and it is unhealthy.  

 

Hugs

 

all of this.

 

and especially being available to listen whey *they* wanted to talk . . .I had one who only ever wanted to talk at night.  so, I stayed up late (I used to chase them to bed so I could go to bed, that actually didn't work so much for the one.)

but he'd come up and share what he was doing, what he was excited about etc.

he thought I was up - to be up. . . . nope.  it was waiting for him becasue that was when he'd talk, and he was a hard one to reach.  he recently brought it up to me - and I pointed out to him it was about me waiting for him becasue that was when he talked - not because I was "just up".  at 1am . . .it also got the message through to him - I was up for him. he was important to me, for me to be available when he was in the mood to talk.

 

I do regret not trying harder to be available with 2dd.  she wanted to my time too, "to talk". . . and when I'd go to talk with her.  she didn't have anything to say.  she just isn't a talker.  she also very much had her head on right even as a child/teen.  but she wanted some of that attention too, and she deserved it too.

but we met up at yosemite - and it was fun.

[Tanaqui]

Sometime between ages 11 and 14, it seems that my role in my kids' lives (in their perspective) is downgraded from heroine to villain.

 

The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. I mean to say, you haven't been downgraded at all. You've almost been upgraded!

 

Look at it this way. Darth Vader is just as important to the story as Obi - Wan. Without Voldemort, Dumbledore is just a old fart. And certainly nobody gives a darn about Gandalf unless Sauron is there as well, right?

 

Without a villain, you don't have a hero. Your kid is, and has always been, the hero. You've just temporarily switched places from "mentor" to "villain", but honestly, mentors are boring. This is what the Tough Guide to Fantasyland says about them:

 

Mentor: A Tour official who will be at your service until halfway through the Tour, when you will unaccountably lose him. Before that he will guide you, tell you what to do in the face of strange customs, and even sometimes instruct you in how to perform minor magics. He will be several hundred years old and will probably have a long white beard' this will give him the right to be bossy, smug, tiresomely philosophical, and infuriatingly secretive about all-important facts. You will be glad to see the back of the old idiot. Unfortunately, you won't have. He will reappear, smugger and bossier than ever, near the end of the Tour, just when you thought you were doing rather well on your own.

 

Definitely better to be the villain. The villain gets all the best music, and all the best clothes, and all the best lines - plus, you get to rub your hands together and cackle. Live it up!

 

...

 

I may have lost the plot here. But you know what I mean.

 

[meena]

In the thick of it here, with 2 teens and one not too far away from being one. :grouphug:

 

I think part of this downgrade is how they become independent. If we were always the hero, they'd only want to be like us forever, instead of coming to terms with having to form their own separate identity, with their own vision, thoughts, opinions, and so on. Seeing a good reason for this shift in status doesn't make it hurt any less, though.

[Dmmetler]

Yep, I'm right there with you. I told my husband that I was tired of feeling needed, but not wanted or appreciated, just a credit card and a driver's license. It's especially elevated right now because we're on Day 4 of a 6 day trip for a Herpetology conference and I actually did something for ME today.

[LMD]

You guys help make me a somewhat emotionally competent parent. Thanks to everyone for posting.

 

Signed, mother of a 12 year old daughter...

[KungFuPanda]

Awww, I know. My baby is 17. Even with Really Good kids you get those moments of nostalgia for the days when they'd get excited to see you come home from the grocery store. I wouldn't waste energy trying to trick your youngest into going through that phase. It's normal and no more a reflection on your awesome mothering skills than a toddler's tantrum. In fact, it helps to think of the whole thing as a second toddlerhood where they are asserting newfound independence and trying out their wings. If they sat around all day gazing appreciatively at the wonder that is their amazing mother, they would NEVER feel motivated to imagine a life beyond your walls or take steps to strike out on their own.

[Scarlett]

Sometime between ages 11 and 14, it seems that my role in my kids' lives (in their perspective) is downgraded from heroine to villain.

 

It seems to get upgraded again by late teens, that's true, but that expectation/understanding doesn't relieve the pain of being seen as the opposition when, as I'm sure you all know and also experience, I am my kids *biggest* fan and supporter in the universe. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them . . .

 

I pretty much accept this as reality, and yes, I went through that, too, as a teen, but it still really annoys me and discourages me.

 

I experienced it much less with my oldest, to the nines with my middle, and with my youngest, it's just hitting it's peak today. A couple weeks ago, I was her hero . . . today, her nemesis.

 

My eldest is/was just a really easy going and appreciative kid. My middle was much tougher but is slowly coming around after a rough several years and much effort and growth on all our parts . . . My youngest is now experimenting with the parents-are-the-enemy perspective that her older brother just in recent months began to let go of . . .

 

Honestly, she's not too deep into it, and I think it's retrievable, and I have more skills and experience parenting teens than I did the first two go-rounds, but, maybe because she's my baby and the last one whose "mom is hero" perspective I could once rely on . . . It just stings and hurts.

 

I also feel like the teens lose out on so much not having the comfort and faith that their parents are their allies. So, it worries me not only from my selfish perspective of losing that warm-fuzzy-loving relationship but also from the perspective or worrying about their own happiness, mental health, etc.

 

Some days, some months, some years, it seems my role is to just drive and financially support the good things (activities, friends, travel, etc.) in my kids' lives. Of course, I found and arranged said good things; but, that doesn't count. I'm still just wheels and a checkbook.

 

Parenting teens bites. Just needed to share that.

 

Gentle advice and/or commiseration is welcome. Criticism is not. Thanks much.

I feel your pain.

 

I miss the toddler stage.

[Guest]

I am totally agreeing with you.  The thing that really bugs me is that my son still doesn't remember all the things we did together that we loved.  He is STARTING to do so, but HONESTLY.  Seriously?  It makes me wonder what I was thinking about so much sacrifice.  And I also know I blew it ... a lot.

 

I'll tell you one thing my perceptive son said to me.  Maybe you will do better than I did at understanding what he meant.

 

"Mom, I want to stand near you and walk with you.  I want to stand (picture a half-arm's length away) here.  But you, you want to stand HERE (picture a bear hug).  So to get away, I have to struggle and I end up over here (picture a football field distance).  

 

Hold them close.  But with a long rubber band, not a clamp.  

 

I wish I had listened better and talked less.  

 

But...hindsight is so much clearer...and there is mercy.

 

[StephanieZ]

Thanks, all, for the commiseration and encouragement. It does help to know I'm not alone. 

 

 

(((hugs))) right back at all of y'all. 

 

[AMJ]

Sometime between ages 11 and 14, it seems that my role in my kids' lives (in their perspective) is downgraded from heroine to villain.

 

It seems to get upgraded again by late teens, that's true, but that expectation/understanding doesn't relieve the pain of being seen as the opposition when, as I'm sure you all know and also experience, I am my kids *biggest* fan and supporter in the universe. There's nothing I wouldn't do for them . . .

 

I pretty much accept this as reality, and yes, I went through that, too, as a teen, but it still really annoys me and discourages me. 

 

I experienced it much less with my oldest, to the nines with my middle, and with my youngest, it's just hitting it's peak today. A couple weeks ago, I was her hero . . . today, her nemesis. 

 

My eldest is/was just a really easy going and appreciative kid. My middle was much tougher but is slowly coming around after a rough several years and much effort and growth on all our parts . . . My youngest is now experimenting with the parents-are-the-enemy perspective that her older brother just in recent months began to let go of . . . 

 

Honestly, she's not too deep into it, and I think it's retrievable, and I have more skills and experience parenting teens than I did the first two go-rounds, but, maybe because she's my baby and the last one whose "mom is hero" perspective I could once rely on . . . It just stings and hurts.

 

I also feel like the teens lose out on so much not having the comfort and faith that their parents are their allies. So, it worries me not only from my selfish perspective of losing that warm-fuzzy-loving relationship but also from the perspective or worrying about their own happiness, mental health, etc. 

 

Some days, some months, some years, it seems my role is to just drive and financially support the good things (activities, friends, travel, etc.) in my kids' lives. Of course, I found and arranged said good things; but, that doesn't count. I'm still just wheels and a checkbook.

 

Parenting teens bites. Just needed to share that. 

 

Gentle advice and/or commiseration is welcome. Criticism is not. Thanks much. 

 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Janie Grace]

I'm sorry. I'm there with my oldest. Thankfully my other teens (14 and 16) aren't there yet but I know it's coming. I think we have late bloomers. 

 

It hurts so much but I'm crossing my fingers with you that it's temporary.

[SquirrellyMama]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: And right there with you. The key is not to take it personally, but it is soooooo hard not to. So much easier said than done!

 

I have to say those early high school years when it seemed like my only role was taxi service and food provider (I'd say cook, but they often didn't want what I cooked, so no appreciation there either) ... those were the worst as far as feeling fulfillment in my parenting role...

Oh my, yes. I'm feeling this so much with my 16 yr old dd right now.

 

Kelly

[Kalypso]

I'm right in the middle of this with ds18. It is so hard. I have the feeling that we're not going to be through it anytime soon. 

 

 

[Reefgazer]

They're growing up and pulling away - it's completely normal.  Sometimes they step out too far and need to pull back in.  But it seems like you have normal children.  I mean, it's a parent's job to work themselves into unemployment, right?  :)

 

Edited July 16, 2017 by reefgazer

[MegP]

I have one who will not talk to me. Says he/she does not want a relationship with me at all. It really sucks. He/she is also depressed and has no drive or goals.

 

 

 

(I am not revealing the gender for privacy reasons, not because the gender is fluid)

[Audrey]

I hear you.  I was lucky enough not to experience too much of it, but he sure had his moments!  Looking back on it now, I can see how it was mostly spurred by stress, both mental and emotional.  It's tough growing up and trying to find your independence, but still needing  (and wanting!) that soft place to fall (your parents).  It definitely helped me understand my own parents' frustrations with me when I was a teen.  If they were still around, I think I'd owe them some apologies. 

[RootAnn]

Note to my offspring who reads this chat board more than I do: I want what is best for you especially when you think I am being the meanest. I am thinking of the future, your future, and trying to help you to make good decisions now.

So, even though I am a horrible person now in your eyes, I love you and am very proud of you.

Definitely better to be the villain. The villain gets all the best music, and all the best clothes, and all the best lines - plus, you get to rub your hands together and cackle. Live it up!

And I will make sure to cackle and rub my hands together gleefully the next time I have to be that mean person that reinforces the expectations of the house. Because you'll have read this thread and will recognize that I'm embracing my wicked witch role instead of crying at your misunderstanding of the love I am showing by making you follow through on your responsibilities first.

Edited July 16, 2017 by RootAnn

[gardenmom5]

I hear you.  I was lucky enough not to experience too much of it, but he sure had his moments!  Looking back on it now, I can see how it was mostly spurred by stress, both mental and emotional.  It's tough growing up and trying to find your independence, but still needing  (and wanting!) that soft place to fall (your parents).  It definitely helped me understand my own parents' frustrations with me when I was a teen.  If they were still around, I think I'd owe them some apologies. 

 

this.  with dudeling's issues as an aspie.  I recognized so much of myself in him.  and was able to understand my mom's frustration a bit better.   if she'd been alive, I would have apologized.

[J-rap]

Aw, I'm sorry you're going through that now... I know it can be very tough!  Mine are now in their 20's.  Try not to take it personally.  Really!  They WILL get beyond it, and will probably even be embarrassed about it.  (I was much worse as a teen than my own children were, and I sure am embarrassed about it now, and I also appreciate so much how gracefully my mother handled me!!)

 

I will say that the one thing that probably helped was that my parents worked hard on teaching manners, so at least we treated each other civilly even if we (mostly me) were not feeling very mannerly underneath.  It helped keep things together until we were at a better place.  

[Mimm]

Parenting teens is absolutely harrowing. :)

 

Yesterday, my three year old was having a meltdown because Netflix wasn't working and my 14 year old was having a meltdown because my 16 year old spoke to her in the wrong tone of voice. At the same moment. I was standing between rooms with crying children, Oldest looking baffled and amused, husband looking irritated. I went to deal with Youngest. Her problems are easy to solve.

 

 

[Seasider]

I just caught the beginning of Modern Family and Claire had this to say - made me think of this thread!

 

"Raising a kid is like sending a rocket ship to the moon. You spend the early years in constant contact and then one day, around the teenage years, they go around the dark side and they're gone. All you can do is wait for that faint signal that says they're coming back."

[MBM]

Teens are working to become independent. It's hard when they pull away and even harder when they make bad/scary decisions or just aren't doing well emotionally. I feel bad for parents who are struggling mightily with the very difficult situations that their kids are experiencing. BTDT. What you hoped for or expected doesn't always materialize. I like to tell myself the roughest of walks can sometimes bring out the best insight. Or it just tuckers you out and leaves you frustrated even more.

 

I also think that in the US we are culturally like this and don't have the same expectations that other countries do. I'm thinking of Italy because my husband went back recently to visit his relatives. They are very close, even teens and adults. My husband's cousin is in his early 50s and lives less than a mile away from his father who recently passed away. He visited him every day often eating lunch or dinner together. (His mother died when he was young.) He also visits an aunt on a daily basis as well. IIRC, some 70% of Italian men live a mile or so from their immediate family. That's not the norm for most people here in the US. We're just so much bigger and jobs can separate families.

 

 

Edited July 18, 2017 by MBM

[Carrie12345]

Two of my teens (the girls) are obviously trying hard to fight their natural inclinations to fight me.  I know they started to put in a little more effort when Mama went a little bat---- crazy and (loudly) threatened to go on strike. But I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that they're now spending a lot of time with other adults, who they love and respect, and who also promote all of the things I'm trying to instill.  (Plus some teens who are jealous of their insane amount of flexibility and freedoms.)

 

So, they know what's what. But they're still teens no matter how much they know. And it definitely seeps out!  My current project is working on learning to ignore the muttering.