Need opinions - parenting difference

[K&Rs Mom]

OK, here's the scenario:

 

It is past bedtime for a 3yo.  Parent 1 says, "If you come with me before I count to five, I'll give you a surprise."  The surprise is a couple of honey roasted peanuts (not in their shells) that parent has put in pants pocket, intending to give them to child at story time (after toothbrushing).  Parent 2 thinks this is a bad idea, because peanuts is a really lame surprise, food from a pants pocket is gross and fuzzy, and food after toothbrushing is missing the point of bedtime toothbrushing.  

 

So the issues involve bribery, food storage, and toothbrushing.  What do you think?  Is either parent totally right/wrong?  How would this (ideally) play out in your house?

Edited June 28, 2017 by K&Rs Mom

[HomeAgain]

I think it's a bad idea.  If dh said it I'd probably let it go and play out.  If there was a tantrum I'd remind the child that he should be doing bedtime routine, and we don't reward for it.  If he didn't like the peanuts, too bad, so sad.  He's not obligated to eat them.  He would, though, and we'd do toothbrushing again, tuck him in, and call it a night.  An eyebrow raised at dh as we left the room together would be enough to show him my thoughts on the matter.

[Daria]

OK, here's the scenario:

 

It is past bedtime for a 3yo.  Parent 1 says, "If you come with me before I count to five, I'll give you a surprise."  The surprise is a couple of peanuts that parent has put in pants pocket, intending to give them to child at story time (after toothbrushing).  Parent 2 thinks this is a bad idea, because peanuts is a really lame surprise, food from a pants pocket is gross and fuzzy, and food after toothbrushing is missing the point of bedtime toothbrushing.  

 

So the issues involve bribery, food storage, and toothbrushing.  What do you think?  Is either parent totally right/wrong?  How would this (ideally) play out in your house?

 

I wouldn't give peanuts to a 3 year old, due to choking concerns.  They're up there with grapes and popcorn on the list of dangerous foods.

 

But leaving that aside?  

 

Are the peanuts in their shell, in which case the pocket thing doesn't matter?  Also, peanuts in the shell are kind of cool and interesting.  You can open them up, and look for the baby plant, and talk up how they're baseball peanuts.  I think peanuts make a perfectly fine bribe, but ones in the shell are better.  If they aren't in the shell, I'd probably bring a tissue or something to rub off the fuzz.

 

This wouldn't be my favorite way to parent.  I'd probably try something else, but I don't think it's terrible.  I think the downside of parents who question each other's choices, and don't allow each other to follow their own instincts are far greater than the risk (other than choking) of a few peanuts after toothbrushing.

[regentrude]

Bribing? OK, sometimes you gotta do that.

A treat as a bribe? OK, if that's the child's currency and an occasional thing.

Treat stored in pocket Would not faze me at all.

 

But food after tooth brushing? That makes no sense and would not fly in my home.

Edited June 28, 2017 by regentrude

[maize]

Well, according to this post peanuts are one of the least cariogenic foods you can eat, so maybe no biggie on the tooth brushing. http://blogs.webmd.com/food-and-nutrition/2013/05/7-foods-to-fight-cavities.html

 

 

I'm all over using incentives if they get the desired behavioral result from a 3 year old!

 

Pocket lint? Nowhere on my concern radar unless dad carries live mice around in his pockets or something.

 

So altogether a non-issue from my perspective, and I would be delighted that dad was putting the child to bed.

Edited June 28, 2017 by maize

[BarbecueMom]

I know this was probably frustrating living it at the time, but I read this aloud to DH and we both cracked up laughing.

 

I would assume Parent 1 was tired and not thinking clearly and opened their mouth about a treat without thinking. Honestly, I do that. "Yes, you can have a juice box. Wait, I said no more sugary drinks! And it's past bedtime! Come back, come baaaaaack!"

 

If you want to look at the bright side, the Pants Pocket Peanut didn't end up in the laundry.

[Bluegoat]

I'd not be crazy about a bribe for bed-time.  I find, with my kids at least, it creates a precedent.  And for some reason this is more so with food.

 

I don't care about the pocket.  I'm not eating it.

 

I would not be happy about the tooth-brushing.

 

All that being said, there are moments when things have gone so nutty, I'll try anything. 

 

I wouldn't interfere with my spouse on this, though.  I would mention the tooth-brushing aspect.

[Janeway]

I think first parent is wrong. If this is your spouse doing this with your own children, I would take issue with it. If this is someone else, a different family, I would stay out of it. lol..I am guessing your husband does this?

 

My husband wanted to give the kids soda before bed because he figured they would crash and fall asleep once the sugar and caffiene wore off. Nope. Did not work that way.

[SKL]

None of that would faze me.

 

If you'd asked me 10 years ago, my answer would be different.  :P

 

Well, just yesterday I bribed my 10yos with Dunkin Donuts rather than chase them to get ready for camp.  :P  And I stopped being militant about teeth some time ago.  Guess I should turn in my parent card!

[TravelingChris]

It wouldn't have bothered me. While I think eating after tooth brushing is kind of pointless, maybe a quick rinse of the mouth???? Not a big deal, I think. Peanuts aren't sweet.

[klmama]

When my dc were 3, I was the toothbrushing police and wouldn't have allowed further food at that point, even if it meant getting into an argument with my dh.  Thankfully, I've relaxed a lot with age.  Now, I'd let it go and would just discuss with dh after the dc were in bed.  

[Scarlett]

Meh.  I don't generally bribe, but I am not totally against it for some situations.

 

The only part that freaks me out is food out of a pocket.  Unless they were in the shell. 

[K&Rs Mom]

Thanks for all the opinions.   :)

 

I think it's funny that there were a lot of assumptions that I am parent 2 and dh is parent 1, because I tried to word it as neutrally as I could, to not cause bias.  It does sound like something many dads would tend to do, though.

 

Overall I'm getting the impression that most people don't jump to, "parent 1 is clearly lacking in judgment and should not be trusted alone with children," which was the bigger (unspoken) question when this was discussed at my house.  

 

I did update the OP to clarify more about the peanuts in question, because it does make a difference in some replies. 

 

 

Edited June 28, 2017 by K&Rs Mom

[Scarlett]

Thanks for all the opinions.   :)

 

I think it's funny that there were a lot of assumptions that I am parent 2 and dh is parent 1, because I tried to word it as neutrally as I could, to not cause bias.  It does sound like something many dads would tend to do, though.

 

Overall I'm getting the impression that most people don't jump to, "parent 1 is clearly lacking in judgment and should not be trusted alone with children," which was the bigger (unspoken) question when this was discussed at my house.

 

 

 

:lol:  

 

Not even close. 

[QueenCat]

As long as it wasn't an every day thing, I'd have no problem with it.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

I'm currently eating honey roasted nuts and they're covered in sugar, so that part would irritate me. My bigger concern, though, would be the setting of the precedent, because that would have caused problems here at that age. I would have said that the Parent 1 will be the one to deal with any fallout on that point going forward. The pocket would not have bothered me. Pocket lint never killed anyone. 

 

Even given my annoyance at the situation, it would never cause me to leap to the idea that Parent 1 lacks judgment and can't be left alone with children. 

 

I'm dying to know which was which though :lol: 

[Spryte]

None of that would faze me.

 

If you'd asked me 10 years ago, my answer would be different. :P

 

Well, just yesterday I bribed my 10yos with Dunkin Donuts rather than chase them to get ready for camp. :P And I stopped being militant about teeth some time ago. Guess I should turn in my parent card!

Oh, oh! I'll get ready for camp for Dunkin Donuts! I'll even be on time! :D

 

Yeh, I'm not terribly phased by the above either. Sometimes people make mistakes. Bribing a three year old - not a big deal. A peanut in the pocket? Pants are clean, right? I mean, I wouldn't want it, but I don't think it's horrible. The worst part is the food after tooth brushing and honestly - that's not the end of the world, one night. Here the treat would be an extra book after lights out time, but eh, whatever.

 

I think, for me, I am just happy when someone else takes over bedtime duties, and I have to just let go and let them do it their way. We don't do things the same way, but that's part of the charm of having two parents. If it really bothers me, I try not to watch or listen. :)

[goldberry]

I would not be in favor of it but wouldn't think it was a big deal. Not bad parenting, just different technique.

[Rachel]

Eh. It wouldn't be my favorite idea but sometimes you do what you got to do. The teeth could be brushed again. I'm guessing the three year old typically struggles with going to bed or there would not be a desire to bribe him.

 

It's really difficult but when my husband does things I think are silly, I try to remember that we are equally our children's parents and he doesn't give me grief about every silly thing I do. Thank goodness because I've messed up a lot over the years.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

If this happens once in a blue moon, I would not die on that hill.  

 

If it becomes the only way Parent A can get the kid to go to bed... then I'd probably talk about why it's a bad idea (I do agree it's a bad idea).  

[vonbon]

I guess we're still in the way-too-controlling phase of parenting.  Or maybe it's just us and we always will be.  I don't think any of this would fly with DH; it wouldn't fly with me...b/c:

 

#1 When Mom or Dad say it's time to brush teeth and get ready for bed (peacefully, cheerfully), you do it--no matter your age.  

 

We all have limits.  I still hate going to bed after almost 4 decades of it!  But I try not to roll around on the floor and kick and scream every night about it.  It wouldn't set a good example for the children.  Maybe I should start demanding peanuts for getting into bed on time.   :laugh:

 

#2 No eating after brushing teeth.  If it happens for some odd reason, you brush again.  (We've had cavities even after being super-on-top of teeth brushing/flossing, so ??? we stay pretty militant about it.)

 

#3 We don't count.  (Like "By the time I count to three...")

 

#4 I think Bribery is a good tool to have in the toolbox to use sparingly, but for getting into bed?  Maybe for a 3yo who's in a phase of defiance...I tried to bribe/reward with more bedtime stories at that age.

 

Gosh I feel like an ogre after typing this out.  

 

BTW, I don't think any of the scenario indicates someone's necessarily practicing bad parenting...just way too loosey-goosey for me.  Maybe in time I'll ease up and  :chillpill: !

Edited June 28, 2017 by vonbon

[lavender's green]

I wouldn't be fazed except for the possibility of setting up a precedent. Even then...meh.

 

I try to be hands-off and respectful about DH's parenting choices, especially when he's doing something solo. Once in a while we'll discuss our parenting choices in general terms, like: "You know, I think 3yo is expecting way too many rewards for normal good behavior. I'd like to wean him away from that mindset."  It would only be about a parenting trend, which I've probably been participating in too, not a single incident.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited July 11, 2017 by tentwelve

[zoobie]

I would suggest switching to a bribe that made sense, such as picking the bedtime story or getting an extra story. Fuzzy pocket peanut parent gets to re-brush the kid's teeth and deal with the child melting down about crappy surprises. Natural consequences! ;-)

[Paige]

I wouldn't do it myself but if DH were doing it I'd keep my mouth shut. It's not worth interfering, IMO. 

[QueenCat]

 

I try to be hands-off and respectful about DH's parenting choices, especially when he's doing something solo. Once in a while we'll discuss our parenting choices in general terms, like: "You know, I think 3yo is expecting way too many rewards for normal good behavior. I'd like to wean him away from that mindset."  It would only be about a parenting trend, which I've probably been participating in too, not a single incident.

 

I think this is very important. We have always worked hard at not telling the other to do things differently with the kids in front of the kids if at all possible. If something really bugs one of us, we'll talk about it privately later. And we have to accept that we won't always do things exactly the same way. We have similar philosophies but not exactly the same. But we are both parents & one of us doesn't have more rights than the other to dictate how things will be.

[SKL]

I didn't assume the bribe was to prevent a tantrum.  I assumed it was to ensure promptness.  :P  Maybe it's just my house, but a lot of time can pass between the "bedtime" announcement and the actual final tucking in.  Not because anyone is misbehaving.  Sometimes that's just the time they choose to tell me "important things," set something up for tomorrow, etc.  If I need to shorten that time, I would rather do it with a pleasant incentive than ... whatever else makes young kids hurry up.

 

If there is a behavior issue and bribery is the general approach to it, then that's a whole other issue.  That said, tired time isn't necessarily the best time to address discipline issues - for the parents or the kids.

[vonbon]

= the black hole of bedtime.   :leaving:   lol

 

Wow!  You just labeled something I have feared, avoided, suffered guilt over, and experienced for years!  I now have a name for it!  

 

Love it--"the black hole of bedtime"...Only I really feel guilty that I'm not cherishing every moment...truly--  It's my children's transition from wake to sleep...They're growing up so fast.  It's a time of day I should be present for, but I'm always trying to escape it for my own sanity!   :laugh:

[Daria]

One more question, to me, would by why it was "past bedtime".

 

I was reading it as, this is a kid who usually goes to bed fine with a leisurely bedtime routine, but tonight you've been out at a family thing, or there's been a minor emergency and now it's late and you're reinforcing the kid for hurrying up.  I think that bribes when you're out of routine are a totally different thing than bribes for following what should be routine.

 

If it's past bedtime, because the kid was fighting you since it was bedtime?  Then I'd think twice about a bribe, unless it was the beginning of a structured bedtime.

 

I am still surprised that I apparently am the only one here who follows the AAP guidelines of no nuts under 4 due to choking concerns.  Do you also give your kid uncut hot dogs and grapes?  We've had a couple of deaths in our area where toddlers choked and the CPS trained adult who was right there was unable to save them, so I'm pretty paranoid about choking.

[HS Mom in NC]

No to all 3.  It's bedtime. We didn't bribe our kids at bedtime.  If they scream and cry, oh well, it's still bedtime-cry if you want, kid. On a side note we didn't have kids screaming about bedtime very often. No way in h3ll would I establish the precedent of getting a treat to go to bed. But then we co-slept until the kids were about 4 and then they happily went to their own beds. No bribing them to go to bed then either. Co-sleeping with a 3 year old means mom lies down next to 3 year old for a few minutes to fall asleep then mom gets up and does her own thing for a few hours.

[Ellie]

No to all 3.  It's bedtime. We didn't bribe our kids at bedtime.  If they scream and cry, oh well, it's still bedtime-cry if you want, kid. On a side note we didn't have kids screaming about bedtime very often. No way in h3ll would I establish the precedent of getting a treat to go to bed. But then we co-slept until the kids were about 4 and then they happily went to their own beds. No bribing them to go to bed then either. Co-sleeping with a 3 year old means mom lies down next to 3 year old for a few minutes to fall asleep then mom gets up and does her own thing for a few hours.

 

:iagree:

[SparklyUnicorn]

The reward part is not the bad part in my mind.  The fact it's sugary food after teeth brushing is.  My 3 year olds could be bribed with stickers at that age so I'd choose something like that instead.

 

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

I'm more bothered by a reward for complying to a simple request than the pant pocket thing. My kids ate stuff off the ground at that age. Super hygiene is not a thing for me.The teeth..meh. if this is a one off i'd let it go. A pattern is different. Eventually it's a reward for doing school work or coming home by curfew. I've seen both.

 

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G900A using Tapatalk

Edited June 30, 2017 by joyofsix

[nixpix5]

I guess we're still in the way-too-controlling phase of parenting. Or maybe it's just us and we always will be. I don't think any of this would fly with DH; it wouldn't fly with me...b/c:

 

#1 When Mom or Dad say it's time to brush teeth and get ready for bed (peacefully, cheerfully), you do it--no matter your age.

 

We all have limits. I still hate going to bed after almost 4 decades of it! But I try not to roll around on the floor and kick and scream every night about it. It wouldn't set a good example for the children. Maybe I should start demanding peanuts for getting into bed on time. :laugh:

 

#2 No eating after brushing teeth. If it happens for some odd reason, you brush again. (We've had cavities even after being super-on-top of teeth brushing/flossing, so ??? we stay pretty militant about it.)

 

#3 We don't count. (Like "By the time I count to three...")

 

#4 I think Bribery is a good tool to have in the toolbox to use sparingly, but for getting into bed? Maybe for a 3yo who's in a phase of defiance...I tried to bribe/reward with more bedtime stories at that age.

 

Gosh I feel like an ogre after typing this out.

 

BTW, I don't think any of the scenario indicates someone's necessarily practicing bad parenting...just way too loosey-goosey for me. Maybe in time I'll ease up and :chillpill: !

We are parenting soulmates ;)

 

I think this question is hard to answer because everyone parents differently and are coming from a different philosophy. The only issue I see is that parents MUST be on the same page. Even if you disagree, never do it in front of the child. United front is always best policy and discussion later. In the teen years this becomes critical. Other then that, a little bribery for a short period to get past a phase isn't going to make or break a child. With that said, I don't use it. It reminds me of this great little story...

 

There once was a man who had a problem with neighborhood kids playing in his yard. Every day he would come out to find them enjoying his yard and he wasn't sure how to make it stop and then he had an idea. The next day he told all of the kids he would pay them 2 dollars each to play in his yard. The kids thought this was amazing! For the next two weeks, everyday, he paid them to play. On the third week he told them he would no longer pay them. They never came back.

 

This tends to be what long term bribery does. It moves a behavior from being internally motivated to externally motivated and once you set this stage it is hard to ween back. Some things are not pleasant but we do them anyway. A little crying and tantrums never bothered me. They were so much shorter lived when the child realized it was futile.

 

That is just me though. I may just be a big meanie ;)

[maize]

The only issue I see is that parents MUST be on the same page. Even if you disagree, never do it in front of the child. United front is always best policy and discussion later. In the teen years this becomes critical.

I'm going to challenge this because you said MUST, never, and always.

 

There are always exceptions.

 

In particular, sometimes one parent--maybe because of lack of emotional control--is over the top and even abusive in responding to a child.

 

I absolutely do not believe that under such circumstances the other parent needs to remain silent in front of the child in the interest of parental solidarity. No, nope, and never. There are times when standing up for the physical and *emotional* security of the child trumps all else.

[Pam in CT]

Meh, if this episode counts as a WTM-board-soliciting episode y'all are very, very blessed!   :lol:

 

 

 

A marital divergence of views of this nature MIGHT elicit a raised eyebrow one way or another in this household, wrt either to the use of bribes for something as mundane and frequent as bedtime and/or the post-brush food intake.  Or not.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

I'm going to challenge this because you said MUST, never, and always.

 

There are always exceptions.

 

In particular, sometimes one parent--maybe because of lack of emotional control--is over the top and even abusive in responding to a child.

 

I absolutely do not believe that under such circumstances the other parent needs to remain silent in front of the child in the interest of parental solidarity. No, nope, and never. There are times when standing up for the physical and *emotional* security of the child trumps all else.

 

I agree.  I try to avoid making my kids feel insecure, but I'm human, my husband is human.  We aren't always on the same page.  It's not even realistic to pretend that in my mind.  My kids won't understand our POV until they are parents.  It is what it is.

[Katy]

I don't think it's brilliant parenting, but also not a big deal.  It takes 24 hours for germs to turn into plaque, so as long as you brush twice a day it doesn't matter if you snack right afterwards, especially if it's not sugar or acidic like fruit juice.

 

A child thinking that a few tantrums will manipulate the parent into bribing them, though, is not good long term.

 

We give our 3 year old a choice - she can walk to bed or we can carry her.  If she gets out of bed, she gets a time out with a gruff voice. She seems to think time out with a soft voice is better than bed.  She's usually sobbing before she finally goes to bed - at night or before her afternoon nap.  Learning to self soothe isn't a bad thing, and when she's being that cranky the ONLY thing that will soothe her is sleep.  She's beyond reason at that point.  YMMV.

 

 

[Alice]

I know this was probably frustrating living it at the time, but I read this aloud to DH and we both cracked up laughing.

 

I would assume Parent 1 was tired and not thinking clearly and opened their mouth about a treat without thinking. Honestly, I do that. "Yes, you can have a juice box. Wait, I said no more sugary drinks! And it's past bedtime! Come back, come baaaaaack!"

 

If you want to look at the bright side, the Pants Pocket Peanut didn't end up in the laundry.

 

 

This is kind of what I thought. 

 

In our house, dh tends to be more pragmatic. I could see him offering the peanuts or other treat and thinking it was brilliant because he got the three year old to bed and avoided a tantrum if one was brewing. I tend to be the one who thinks more about the long-term. So I would be thinking "Now they think they will always get a treat. They need to learn to just do it because we asked them to. What about inner motivation...blah, blah, blah". Dh used to always use distraction when we had a kid who was really upset about something. It often worked but I would feel like we needed to address the bigger issue rather than just distract. 

 

What I've learned is that a balance of the two isn't always bad. An occasional bribe or distraction from Dad hasn't meant that we have kids who are incapable of doing what's asked or of doing things without a bribe.

 

And on the no nuts thing...years ago my sister-in-law was babysitting. When we came home she said "Hey, know what H. really loves?" We asked what. The answer "Peanuts!" He was 9 months old. I just looked at her and said "Well, that's probably he's not supposed to have them!" SIL is an ER doctor but has no kids of her own and doesn't usually do pediatric medicine. I laughed and said "Well, at least if he'd choked or had anaphylaxis, you could have taken care of it." I certainly didn't think she wasn't capable of caring for kids again...in fact the same kid just returned from a 10 day vacation to Alaska with her. She did get a lot of grief though for a long time from the ER nurses when she told them the story. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I totally get bribing for bedtime as a person who HIGHLY values getting plenty of sleep.  Believe me, you want this over me not getting enough sleep.  LOL

 

Some stuff just feels difficult for some parents and they don't like having to turn it into a production.  And this really depends on how you spin it.  If the kid doesn't do what is asked and you tell him he has to go to bed earlier (or some other punishment) people think that's ok.  But if you offer a reward for good behavior or you offer a reward as encouragement, suddenly that's a problem.  Now I get the whole, kid should just do what I say thing, but dang my kids never did that.  Not that they never listen and most of the time they are pretty cooperative, but sometimes no.  And sometimes I JUST wanted to get through the moment/day.  Different people handle these things differently. 

[creekland]

This would certainly fall under "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" for me - at least at this age.  I'm not sure what I would have thought when my own kids were three.

 

I will say:

 

1)  I'm glad we never had set bedtimes for our kids.  It worked out great.  When we/they were done for the day, they were done.  We never needed a schedule and they seem to have made it to adulthood just fine.  Bedtime came when they were tired.

 

2)  Incentives are better for the mind than punishment.  One can't use them all the time, of course, or they lose their power, but the absolute best way to encourage someone to do their best is to give incentives for good behavior every now and then.  OTOH punishment leads to rebellion in the mind.  Get in a bad mood and the youngster now knows how to push buttons... just because.  Sometimes punishment is needed, but not nearly as often as most parents think - usually just with danger involved.  When it's done rarely, it means a LOT more to a person, they tend not to like it, and adjust accordingly.

 

ps  I wish I had known more about #2 when my kids were young.  As we learned more, we adjusted accordingly and it worked out super well, esp for my younger two who missed the worst of that stage.  I still regret being such a jerk of a parent in my early parenting days though.  There was no need at all.  It's the same with adults.  Do we want a boss who is always criticizing and/or punishing us and saying nothing when we do a job well?  Or would we rather have a nice bonus now and then for a job well done with some of our faults ignored unless they become a pattern?

[SparklyUnicorn]

This would certainly fall under "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff" for me - at least at this age.  I'm not sure what I would have thought when my own kids were three.

 

I will say:

 

1)  I'm glad we never had set bedtimes for our kids.  It worked out great.  When we/they were done for the day, they were done.  We never needed a schedule and they seem to have made it to adulthood just fine.  Bedtime came when they were tired.

 

2)  Incentives are better for the mind than punishment.  One can't use them all the time, of course, or they lose their power, but the absolute best way to encourage someone to do their best is to give incentives for good behavior every now and then.  OTOH punishment leads to rebellion in the mind.  Get in a bad mood and the youngster now knows how to push buttons... just because.  Sometimes punishment is needed, but not nearly as often as most parents think - usually just with danger involved.  When it's done rarely, it means a LOT more to a person, they tend not to like it, and adjust accordingly.

 

ps  I wish I had known more about #2 when my kids were young.  As we learned more, we adjusted accordingly and it worked out super well, esp for my younger two who missed the worst of that stage.  I still regret being such a jerk of a parent in my early parenting days though.  There was no need at all.  It's the same with adults.  Do we want a boss who is always criticizing and/or punishing us and saying nothing when we do a job well?  Or would we rather have a nice bonus now and then for a job well done with some of our faults ignored unless they become a pattern?

 

I never had set bedtimes either really.  As soon as it was possible, there was no such thing as bedtime.  The only rule was don't bother mom while she is in bed unless you are dying.  So go to bed when you are ready, but don't be obnoxious and make tons of noise late at night. 

 

My kids never had to get up early though so that was part of it.  If I had them in bed early they'd get up at 4 am or something ridiculous like that.

 

 

[creekland]

I never had set bedtimes either really.  As soon as it was possible, there was no such thing as bedtime.  The only rule was don't bother mom while she is in bed unless you are dying.  So go to bed when you are ready, but don't be obnoxious and make tons of noise late at night. 

 

My kids never had to get up early though so that was part of it.  If I had them in bed early they'd get up at 4 am or something ridiculous like that.

 

Even when mine had to get up early for church or school (they weren't homeschooled until later grades), they just learned pretty quickly that they were less tired if they went to bed earlier.  We modeled it too, so they picked up on it from us I suspect. "Hmm, tomorrow is church and I need to get up early, so I think I need to go to bed now."  

 

Our kids "fit in" naturally to our family from a really young age.

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited July 11, 2017 by tentwelve

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

In my world it means mom lies down next to 3 year old, falls asleep, and startles awake at 2am to stagger groggily to the bathroom to brush her teeth and remove her very gummy contact lenses.

Truth.

[GreenKitty]

Bribery: I don't generally bribe.

Food Storage:  I would not eat peanuts ...from someones pocket...ha! 

Tooth brushing:  I would make them brush their teeth again after Parent 1 gave them the peanuts

 

I wouldn't do it because I wouldn't want bribery to go to bed, to become a nightly occurrence. 

 

I'd them prob bribe hubby not to bribe child  :laugh:

[Farrar]

Not that I don't have opinions and ways that I would personally do this, but none of that is serious enough in any right/wrong parenting direction that I would care. So my number one response is that when parents in a household have these mild differences, they need to learn to get over the judgment of each other and just let it be. I think parent 1 and parent 2 are both doing fine.

[Farrar]

I think this question is hard to answer because everyone parents differently and are coming from a different philosophy. The only issue I see is that parents MUST be on the same page. Even if you disagree, never do it in front of the child. United front is always best policy and discussion later. In the teen years this becomes critical.

 

Meh. I think parents need to be on the same page about big, key issues. I think parents with a child who has particular issues with consistency and behavior issues as a result need to learn to be on the same page as much as possible to provide what a child needs, though I don't think that's the majority of kids.

 

I feel like this is one of the common lines given about "good parents" but I don't actually think it's true. Dh and I disagree in front of the kids sometimes. I promise it hasn't scarred them. They're "good kids" - other people tell me so and they're polite and pitch in mostly despite being grumpy middle schoolers at the moment.

 

Now, if we were doing it constantly about every little thing or were radically on different pages about really basic stuff, like what's okay behavior and what isn't, then that's one thing - like if one kid said nasty things or hit someone and we had really different ideas about how to deal with it, that might be an issue. But little things, like kid asks for a dessert, dh says yes and I say no, because I was there all day and know they already had treats. Or sometimes there are things I let them do that dh doesn't and vice versa - just because we're willing to supervise different things. Or one parent wants something done RIGHT NOW and the other parent doesn't want to enforce it right then - sometimes there's a discussion and someone bends. Honestly, I feel like far from being bad for the kids, letting them see us make decisions together and disagree is good for them. And we're just different people. I think it's okay for, as kids get older, to understand that there are slightly different rules with the parents - nothing dramatic, but mom lets us eat on the sofa, dad doesn't, dad lets us go off on the hiking path alone when we're with him but mom doesn't... that's okay. It's not undermining your parenting authority. And it's stuff parents need to be able to let go of with each other.

[Arcadia]

Whoever offer food or drinks as bribe would be in charge of nagging our kids to brush their teeth again. My youngest would have brushed his teeth again anyway because he is worried over cavities and he is actually better at brushing.

 

Food in pants pocket are so normal in both my husband's and my family culture that we won't be bothered by it. We won't offer non-relatives unshelled peanuts out of our pants pockets though.

 

We bribe sometimes so the bribing part won't be an issue. The bribe would have to be something other than peanuts unless it is M&M peanuts to be able to tempt our kids.

[Mimm]

Having not read any responses...

 

The only part that would bother me is giving food after tooth brushing. I would try to negotiate with the child that they need to come brush teeth and get ready for bed and they'll get the peanuts after getting dressed for bed but before tooth brushing. Or offer another reward. I don't mind bribery and while fuzzy peanuts would not be my snack of choice, that's not the worst thing my kid has had in her mouth. ;)