If you don't love or like your spouse, but you stay anyway...

[Audrey]

This is a completely anonymous poll, and you can select more than one.  I am interested in reasons why people stay with spouses they don't love or don't like. I am NOT talking about cases of abuse.  That is an entirely different thing.   What I am interested in knowing about is with people who no longer love or like their spouse, but choose to remain married.  Why do you do it? 

 

If you feel inclined to share further, please do, and know that there will be no judgment coming from me.  I appreciate the insights. 

 

Thank you in advance!

Edited June 4, 2017 by Audrey

[Rosie_0801]

Maybe it would be useful to post this again with *like* instead of *love.*

[Audrey]

Maybe it would be useful to post this again with *like* instead of *love.*

 

 

I will edit that into the post.  Don't like or don't love... why stay?  That's what I'm curious about here.

[Crimson Wife]

Answering based on why I stayed in the past, not why I stay now.

 

-Because love is a verb, not a feeling.

-Because we were not really angry at each other but rather at the external circumstances beyond our control

-Because splitting up would prove all the naysayers about us getting married right and we're stubborn

-Because I could enjoy TeA guilt-free

-Because I read research one of my college psychology classes that a majority of people who were unhappy in their marriages and chose to divorce were unhappy 5 years later but a majority of those who did not divorce said they were happy in their marriages 5 years later

 

Things are fine now and I am so, so, SOOOOO glad that we worked through the rocky patches.

 

[bettyandbob]

I have a friend who has continued to share a house for a decade due to financial reasons. The COL here is high. The home needs repairs they haven't done affecting sale value. Apartment rent are now quite a bit higher​ than the mortgage they share.

[Carol in Cal.]

An option you might consider adding is 'because I think it's wrong to divorce'.  This view is not always externally caused by religion.

[SKL]

No direct personal experience, so I didn't vote.  But ...

 

I've known some people who stayed married mainly to prevent the other person from being able to re-marry.

 

I think a lot of people stay together for their kids.

[Scarlett]

My answers are based on my first marriage which I stayed in for 26 years.

 

I didn't have a child for 16 1/12 years so clearly it wasn't just for the child. Although when he arrived, yes he was a factor.

 

I didn't have a constant dislike of my spouse. We had a lot of good times in between the bad.

 

I had a strong sense of keeping my vow even when it did not align with my personal feelings. That is different than my faith not 'allowing' divorce. Which is different. A lot.

 

I believed strongly in feelings being fluid....what I/he felt today we might not feel tomorrow.

 

I didn't want to fail.

[Anne in CA]

Answering based on why I stayed in the past, not why I stay now.

 

-Because love is a verb, not a feeling.

-Because we were not really angry at each other but rather at the external circumstances beyond our control

-Because splitting up would prove all the naysayers about us getting married right and we're stubborn

-Because I could enjoy TeA guilt-free

-Because I read research one of my college psychology classes that a majority of people who were unhappy in their marriages and chose to divorce were unhappy 5 years later but a majority of those who did not divorce said they were happy in their marriages 5 years later

 

Things are fine now and I am so, so, SOOOOO glad that we worked through the rocky patches.

I am another who is glad we worked through the bad parts. We had a lot of issues coming in and easily could have given up with a lot of people telling us that was the right thing to do. We are the only ones for each other as far as I'm concerned.

[MaeFlowers]

There have been points where I havent liked DH and he hasn't liked me. We have always loved one another.

 

We stick together for the simplest reason...we are married. That was a life long commitment to both of us. There were no out clauses in our vows. So, we fight through it and work towards making it better. We're just determined to be married.

[madteaparty]

No personal experience, but I will say divorce is such a massive value destruction.

In the end, most marriages seem to look about the same. Also, I imagine a man remarrying and having a second set of kids would not be so great for the first set and how they feel about their own mother. Like I said, no personal experience so didn't vote.

Edited June 4, 2017 by madteaparty

[HS Mom in NC]

I agree that waiting and working hard for quite a while to try and find a way to make it peaceable and civil is worth doing.  Not every situation works out that way when things are difficult, but for me it was worth sticking it out and trying really hard.

[LucyStoner]

No first-hand experience here.  My husband and I are still pretty ga-ga for each other 15 years after saying I do.  We did have a rough patch there for years 3 and 4 but we were still in love and trying to work it out if at all possible.  

 

But sometimes I have seen people rationalize why they stay but seem to have other motivations.  Case in point.  My MIL stayed despite being able to leave.  She always said it was "for the kids" even though the kids' lives were markedly more miserable due to their parents' toxic marriage.  In the end, she did leave but not after the kids grew up.  She left when she found someone else.  I don't hold that against her- loneliness is a real thing.  But I think she had been severely kidding herself about staying for the kids.  The kids would have been throwing a party if their mom had left a decade sooner.  And sometimes I must admit that I have a hard time accepting what she let the kids, one of whom I am now married to and see the physical and emotional scars on, endure all while she did have the family support system, financial independence and it being safe to leave.  

Edited June 4, 2017 by LucyStoner

[HS Mom in NC]

Some religious views do allow for divorce, but only in certain circumstances, which is different than saying "because my culture/faith doesn't allow divorce."

[Crimson Wife]

I am another who is glad we worked through the bad parts. We had a lot of issues coming in and easily could have given up with a lot of people telling us that was the right thing to do. We are the only ones for each other as far as I'm concerned.

 

DH and I didn't have relationship issues at the time we married. The objections to our marriage were purely based on age (I was a month shy of 22 and he had just turned 23) and the fact that neither of us had had any previous serious relationships (though we both had chastely dated others in high school). Those objecting kept saying, "He's a great guy BUT you're too young and you need to date other people before you settle down". Which I still think is a completely stupid argument. None of the rough patches we've experienced would've been any easier had we been a decade older and/or if we'd had more past s*xual partners. 

[myfunnybunch]

I voted. Some of these reasons are mine and some are reasons I've heard from others in similar situations:

 

Minimal disruption to the kids' lives. Especially in families for whom homeschooling has been the kids' only educational experience, or families with children close to graduating high school.

 

Health insurance coverage

 

Extended time out of the workplace has limited a stay-at-home spouse's education and/or career building to the point that they cannot afford to leave (and do not trust the spouse and/or legal process enough to expect a fair award of spousal support).

 

Combined finances allow financial resources to go into college funds instead of toward doubled living expenses.

 

Combined resources also allows a stay-at-home/homeschooling spouse time to figure out how to get in a position to support him- or herself.

 

Don't feel right about abandoning a spouse with mental health issues even though those issues have effectively ended the marriage except on paper.

 

A general sense of obligation to their marriage vows and spouse, even though the intimate relationship no longer exists

 

It's a decent parenting partnership and roommate situation. Shared parenting and household responsibilities help everyone's lives stay stable, if it can be done peacefully.

 

FWIW, I have found as I've shared just a bit with my close friends and hear their stories or stories about their friends/parents/neighbors that there are more couples out there living essentially separate lives while remaining legally married than you'd expect. (Couples counselor also said this.)

Edited June 4, 2017 by myfunnybunch

[Mama Geek]

I came from a divorced home and knew how awful it was.  We both were stubborn when we got close to calling it quits a couple of times and did not do so.  Our faith allows for divorce in certain circumstances but we didn't have those circumstances.  We didn't have kids until after we had worked through the major problems in our marriage.  We are thankful for a pastor who really helped us out at our worst time.  He helped change our lives for the better.  We have been married 22 years now and are very happy together.

[DawnM]

Your last two points are interesting to me.  I WANT to be independent.  I do much better being able to do what I want when i want.  I am pretty selfish that way.  That was the hardest part of getting married.  Really.  For me.  I felt trapped almost immediately, not able to just go and travel and do and be whenever. 

 

We are very different in many ways.

 

But I am not looking at divorce or leaving, I just thought those two points were interesting as I am so opposite.

[FaithManor]

I did not vote because dh and I have not gone through that. But MIL stayed with FIL because she thought it was the right thing to do for the kids, and then after they were grown, because it was convenient, easier than splitting and dividing.

 

Unfortunately, the situation was toxic, and FIL was a bad, bad parent...one that if she had divorced would have left and made no effort to be around. The kids were terribly scarred from their dysfunctional parent's marriage , and would have thrown a parade in her honor if she would have left.

 

He died in 2002, and she has been a happy widow since. I am glad that my kids exposure was limited and they have no significant memories of him.

[Soror]

We've had a couple of rough periods. The first was just a matter of us growing and maturing together and all that goes with that. I don't even remember the details really, nothing major I guess. The second time was due to physical problems of dh's, which changed who he was as a person. It took awhile to figure out what was going on. Like a typical man, he didn't want to admit that there was something wrong. I guess he felt like he had it all together and if he admitted that there was anything wrong it would all fall apart. I set up boundaries and was clear as to how we were to be treated and he respected those. He was and always has been an awesome father.  

 

It took 3 doctors to figure out what exactly was wrong and treat it. I have my husband back and our marriage is stronger than before. I didn't leave I guess for the kids and because I'm an optimist. There were also long periods in there when things were mostly normal and good. I never stopped loving him, not even a bit. There were just periods that I didn't like him and I resolved we would just live together as roommates if need be. I knew the man I married was a wonderful man, kind, compassionate, selfless, and loving. I knew that things would eventually work out. I'm also persistent as hell. I knew we would figure it out. There was always hope. I knew that he had not fundamentally changed, even if things appeared that way at times. Call it intuition or whatever but I just knew. 

 

 

[Guest]

DH and I didn't have relationship issues at the time we married. The objections to our marriage were purely based on age (I was a month shy of 22 and he had just turned 23) and the fact that neither of us had had any previous serious relationships (though we both had chastely dated others in high school). Those objecting kept saying, "He's a great guy BUT you're too young and you need to date other people before you settle down". Which I still think is a completely stupid argument. None of the rough patches we've experienced would've been any easier had we been a decade older and/or if we'd had more past s*xual partners.

Yeah, this is what people tell my DD (only one bf her whole life). Although I do agree with the "too young" part. But I have never seen the need to trawl the whole buffet just so you can be certain what you wanted was the teriyaki chicken.

[Guest]

Sometimes I don't like my spouse. Especially last year with being on opposite sides of that whole Trump thing. But those rocky points have never been so bad that turning my life, and the kids' lives, upside-down, would be better. Also, at 46yo, I don't really have a need to feel like WOW! all the time. So, we disagree. Oh well. It would be more pleasant if we agreed, but it's not worth fighting over division of assets and who gets the kids for Christmas.

[lmrich]

My good friend is now to the point that she can hardly stand her husband. She has said that she does not have time for  a divorce.  She runs three businesses and homeschools. 

Edited June 4, 2017 by lmrich

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Agreeing with a PP that "undying optimism" might be a good one to add!  :-D  

[kroe1]

I think all couples have some sort of cycling adoration if they stay together long enough. Most couples admit to years when their loved waited. Nonetheless, it is the buildup of shared memories, the history, if you will, that keep DH and I together during the occasional rough spot.

[Mom-ninja.]

My friend told me she stays in her marriage because of the children, and that it's just too much hassle/work to divorce. 

 

If I didn't love/like my spouse I would probably stay due to financial reasons. 

[Guest]

My sil stayed in a terrible marriage because she thought she could fix him. When she realized she couldn't and didn't really care to, she wanted to have kids and didn't think she had time to divorce, date, remarry, have kids. She should have divorced and gone with a sperm donor because now she shares custody of two kids with a vile, disturbed man.

[Ravin]

I would say that "love" and "in love with" also aren't the same.

[lynn]

I have a friend who stays married because shes likes being married more than being alone. She complains always of the life she wants and can't have unless she makes changes. I found this sad and wonder how often it happens.

[Davysmom]

Answering based on why I stayed in the past, not why I stay now.

 

-Because love is a verb, not a feeling.

-Because we were not really angry at each other but rather at the external circumstances beyond our control

-Because splitting up would prove all the naysayers about us getting married right and we're stubborn

-Because I could enjoy TeA guilt-free

-Because I read research one of my college psychology classes that a majority of people who were unhappy in their marriages and chose to divorce were unhappy 5 years later but a majority of those who did not divorce said they were happy in their marriages 5 years later

 

Things are fine now and I am so, so, SOOOOO glad that we worked through the rocky patches.

Pretty much exactly this!

[Danestress]

It's amazing to me how people do it. DH is family law attorney and I have worked in his firm too. There are people who come in who have been in sexless marriage where they hardly talk for YEARS. I guess there is a difference between not being 'in love' and actively disliking a spouse. I don't think I could live in a home for years with someone who didn't like or respect me and for whom I also had no affection.

 

I think some people are scared. They are afraid of the financial impact and afraid of how it will impact their families. They lack the energy, courage, confidence or imagination to build a new life.

[marbel]

We have had some rough spots when I guess you could say we don't like each other very much.  When life seems overwhelmingly busy or full of stressors and we have to focus on unpleasant things, it's hard to think about being loving to the other person, and feeling loved by them.  I'm like Quill; it's not worth turning everyone's life upside down.  Anyone remember that advice columnist, Ann Landers? She would say, when asked about divorce, something like "would you be better of with him or without him?"  I can always answer "with him" because overall, it's true.   It might not be true for my happiness and contentment right now, but overall, yeah.   

 

And it's not like it's so bad that the kids would be better off if we split.  It's more like "meh" sometimes.  

[Guest]

I know several people who have stayed married-wisely imo- to avoid family court.

[emmaluv+2more]

Well, I'm divorced, but I voted anyway because I stayed for a long while.  I voted for all EXCEPT physical health of myself/spouse, culture/religion not allowing divorce, not basing marriage on love.

 

Interestingly enough, I can say that all of the reasons I stayed for so long are also the exact same reasons why I finally left.  Sometimes staying is not the best choice.

 

And in regards to the love being a verb comment: I still very much love my ex and always will, even though I will never again actively love him as a verb.  Sometimes love is indeed a feeling, a history, a memory.  These things are never as black and white as many try to make them out to be.

Edited June 4, 2017 by emmaluv+2more

[HS Mom in NC]

It's amazing to me how people do it. DH is family law attorney and I have worked in his firm too. There are people who come in who have been in sexless marriage where they hardly talk for YEARS. I guess there is a difference between not being 'in love' and actively disliking a spouse. I don't think I could live in a home for years with someone who didn't like or respect me and for whom I also had no affection.

 

 

 

You're describing something different than what's being discussed here.

[Danestress]

You're describing something different than what's being discussed here.

Am I? When I think of not liking a spouse, I would think that not having things like physical affection, respect, or conversation could be part of that. Sorry if I was out of line.

[myfunnybunch]

You're describing something different than what's being discussed here.

Is she?

 

The question is who do people stay married to someone they do not love, or do not like.

 

A sexless or conversationless marriage that lasts for years certainly speaks to people who've continued to be married even though they do not love or even like one another.

[Guest]

Is she?

 

The question is who do people stay married to someone they do not love, or do not like.

 

A sexless or conversationless marriage that lasts for years certainly speaks to people who've continued to be married even though they do not love or even like one another.

Yeah, I don't know; I wasn't thinking of a scenario as severe as that. But maybe Audrey (the OP) does mean/include that.

[HS Mom in NC]

Am I? When I think of not liking a spouse, I would think that not having things like physical affection, respect, or conversation could be part of that. Sorry if I was out of line.

 

 

Is she?

 

The question is who do people stay married to someone they do not love, or do not like.

 

A sexless or conversationless marriage that lasts for years certainly speaks to people who've continued to be married even though they do not love or even like one another.

 

Well she lumped quite a few things in with don't like or love.  She was painting with a very broad brush. Yes, there really are marriages where people who don't especially like each other anymore can still be respectful, civil, have sex, and have conversations with each other. 

 

I think it's weird that people who aren't in that kind of situation and who can't Imagine how other people who are in that situation deal with it are so bold as characterize all their situations based on the anecdotes they're personally heard about.Not in it?  Don't get it?  OK.  But please stop telling people who live the reality what their reality must be like.  The possibilities for everyone else are not limited to your imagination or how you would personally respond to that situation.

[J-rap]

Not myself...  my dh and I are still very madly in love with each other after 30+ years.   :wub:

 

But from a couple close friends in that situation, they are still together because  1) Marriage to them is a sacred commitment.  2)  They have hope that over time it will become beautiful again. 

[myfunnybunch]

Whoa. Wow. My apologies. It was very much not my intention to tell anyone how they must live, or limit anyone's possibilities. I'm confused about how you got there from what I wrote--perhaps I misunderstood something, because it seems to me that a particular kind of staying married (in a sexless conversationless marriage) was being EXcluded from the idea of staying married even though the parties don't love or like one another.

 

I simply meant that, if we're considering people staying married to someone they do not like or love, excluding marriages that continue in which the spouses do not talk or have sex doesn't quite make sense.

 

Heavens, I am actually living this, so I AM in this situation. and managing to be kind and respectful and have conversations, even though the marriage part is legal only. Being accused of telling someone what their marriage reality must be seems unjust. I am the last person who would judge another's choices in this area, partly because I am so grateful for the people who have not judged mine.

Edited June 4, 2017 by myfunnybunch

[Seeking Squirrels]

For the kids and finances.  We can't financially support two households right now so we'd have to drastically change the work situation, which would have a major affect on the kids. We don't want to uproot them from what they know. Especially with oldest's SN. We currently live as roommates, no intimacy, no affection. I'm actually quite okay with that. We get along much better now that we have eliminated those factors. We were fighting constantly before. Turns out we get along better as friends than as a couple. Sometimes I'd still like to be on my own and not living with him, but right now the pros outweigh the cons for us to stay together.

[ktgrok]

 

In the end, most marriages seem to look about the same.

Having been married twice I can say my marriages are nothing alike. Night and day difference.

[ktgrok]

Agreeing with a PP that "undying optimism" might be a good one to add! :-D

That's A large part of why I stayed with my first husband as long as I did. I kept thinking surely it has to get better. I also stayed because I took my vows very very seriously. However, when I realized that my staying was negatively impacting my son that is when I left. Had I not had a child I would've stayed forever probably.

Edited June 4, 2017 by ktgrok

[Audrey]

Yeah, I don't know; I wasn't thinking of a scenario as severe as that. But maybe Audrey (the OP) does mean/include that.

 

 

I was trying to keep it as open to interpretation as possible.  Everyone's situation is their own.  You get to define what love or like means to you and whether or not that's part of your own marriage.  What I wanted to get at, and what I think has been very honestly displayed here, are the reasons that keep people in a marriage where those things, in their definition, is missing. 

 

I don't pretend to know what love is supposed to look like for anyone else.  Ditto for liking a person. 

Edited June 5, 2017 by Audrey

[marbel]

Having been married twice I can say my marriages are nothing alike. Night and day difference.

 

Yeah, I'm puzzled by that comment too. I've been thinking about it quite a bit today.  Comparing my two marriages, and also some pondering long-term marriages I have seen. My parents, in-laws, other people I know.  They are some big differences, at least to me, an outsider looking in.   I can think of some people who seem so happy and in love after 40, 50 years.  Others who just seem rather tired.  Among other things.  Of course as an outsider I can't know for sure.  But it's hard to imagine the 80-year-old couple holding hands and gazing adoringly at each other are putting up a front all the time I'm around them. 

[Scarlett]

Having been married twice I can say my marriages are nothing alike. Night and day difference.

Amen. Mine too.

[StaceyinLA]

In a word - commitment.

 

I had a failed marriage. My first husband was an adulterer, and left me while I was pregnant with our 4th child (to be fair, I asked him to leave because of his extra curricular activities).

 

I've been married to my second husband for 20 years. He's a great husband and provider, and I love him, but I don't really like him a lot of the time. We have nothing in common. We don't really do anything together. He has some personality and social issues.

 

Honestly though, this works for us because we have the same future goals, each have our own interests (he golfs, I travel, spend time with the kids and grandkids, spend time with my friends, etc.), and he will do absolutely anything for this family.

 

I don't think I could ever be in a marriage where I'd stay head over heels for anyone; living with people just annoys me a little too much for that, and life is just too real for that most of the time.

 

And besides, commitment. I knew it wouldn't be all fun and games forever, but he's 110% committed to me, and I feel I owe him that in return.

[PeterPan]

I've been married to my second husband for 20 years. He's a great husband and provider, and I love him, but I don't really like him a lot of the time. We have nothing in common. We don't really do anything together...Honestly though, this works for us because we have the same future goals, each have our own interests (he golfs, I travel, spend time with the kids and grandkids, spend time with my friends, etc.), and he will do absolutely anything for this family.

 

 

Ok, I'll just ask. Does he go to Disney with you?

[Guest]

Our neighbors across the street were in their 80's, and had been married for over 50-60 years. It was obvious, though, that they lived separate lives and didn't like each other. I was talking to him out front once, and we got on to their unhappy marriage. He said that he realized "how she was" early on, but, he said, "What could I do? I'm Catholic."

 

Then he said the most shocking thing. He said, "That's why I volunteered for three tours of duty in Vietnam; to get away from her."

 

Wow.

 

They ended up in separate nursing homes (the son spit them up) with Alzheimer's. He found love and joy with another Alzheimer's patient. She died and was nasty to the end.

Edited June 5, 2017 by Fifiruth