If you don't love or like your spouse, but you stay anyway...

[EMS83]

This is theoretical because I do like and love my spouse (and no it's not all rainbows and lollipops), but I find it worth pointing out:

 

No my faith doesn't approve divorce, but neither does it think love is unimportant.  If marriage is done right, "I don't love my spouse" should never apply.  This is because (at least in my understanding) love is seen as an intentional, sacrificial, and unmerited decision one makes toward the other person, day in and day out.  I had to choose "other" because this concept doesn't fall into any of the other categories.  That's not to say there shouldn't be genuine connections on all the various levels of the relationship, though.  It's both/and.  Just how I've understood my faith; I'm still learning and growing.  :)

[Guest]

One of my SILs had an aunt and uncle who lived in neighboring apartments. They remained married, but thought it best not to live under the same roof, they bugged each other when they lived together. So, they lived separately and spent some time together daily. But not living in the same house.

 

Sometimes, this sounds like a perfectly logical arrangement to me. I have even thought many times that I would be perfectly content to have my own bedroom all to myself. I don't get any particular joy out of sleeping in the same bed as DH and besides that, he snores. He usually comes up to bed after I am asleep and that suits me fine.

[Scarlett]

Sleeping with my husband is one of the best parts of my day. First marriage ended up with that being the worst part.....so I know of what I speak.

 

My Dh had knee surgery Friday. Friday night, during the night, he snuggled up to me and said, 'I love my wife so much'.

 

That is the good stuff.

 

First husband.....if he had just refrained from having sex with other women I would have stayed married to him. But like Quill I would have been happy to sleep apart and maybe live apart. He was not easy toward the end.

[Seeking Squirrels]

One of my SILs had an aunt and uncle who lived in neighboring apartments. They remained married, but thought it best not to live under the same roof, they bugged each other when they lived together. So, they lived separately and spent some time together daily. But not living in the same house.

 

Sometimes, this sounds like a perfectly logical arrangement to me. I have even thought many times that I would be perfectly content to have my own bedroom all to myself. I don't get any particular joy out of sleeping in the same bed as DH and besides that, he snores. He usually comes up to bed after I am asleep and that suits me fine.

I've often daydreamed of a similar situation for DH and myself. I've thought for a while that a duplex would be perfect for us. I don't know if those are common everywhere as they are here, it's like a townhouse but only two. Or two small houses sharing a wall.  One shared yard for the kids, and I'd even be game to install an inner door connecting the two. Then he would have his home and I'd have mine. Kids could go back and forth and so could we when we wanted. Sometimes eat together, play games together, watch tv together, whatever. Then retreat to our own space. Maybe even having one day a week that is his day and one mine that the kids go there and the other has the evening alone. Or the opposite and just have a day or two we're together, the rest split up. I would prefer this accompanying divorce so that we would also be free to pursue other partners. I know nothing is there for us now and while I'm okay with that, I don't know how long he will be.  

 

Sorry to ramble on! This just sounds perfect to me. 

[RosieGamgee]

This is really interesting, too complicated even for eleven choices though. What about love and ADORE spouse, like and get along great with spouse, intimate lovers and best friends, yet at the same time having a deep-crevasse divide between the two, such as two different faiths, or opposite sides of highly volatile issues? Or if it's external issues, like in laws or finances? I just wouldn't call that kind of difference not liking or loving one's spouse, one might adore them and yet have an intense struggle.

[marbel]

One of my SILs had an aunt and uncle who lived in neighboring apartments. They remained married, but thought it best not to live under the same roof, they bugged each other when they lived together. So, they lived separately and spent some time together daily. But not living in the same house.

 

Sometimes, this sounds like a perfectly logical arrangement to me. I have even thought many times that I would be perfectly content to have my own bedroom all to myself. I don't get any particular joy out of sleeping in the same bed as DH and besides that, he snores. He usually comes up to bed after I am asleep and that suits me fine.

 

I have often thought this way, how nice a separate space would be.  But when I really think it through, what I really want is just a living room with something like a mini-kitchen of my own.  A place I can have people over without having to nag my husband and kids to clean up and also without disrupting everyone.  Our house is small and a poor design so to get anywhere in the house one must pass through the living room, which is the only room suitable for guests.   Oh it would  need a powder room too.  (We don't have a separate guest bath.)  It could also be my retreat.  

 

I think the name is dumb, but recently I've seen "she sheds" (link is to Country Living magazine) which are the answer to the man cave.  One of these would do nicely!   Though I would want plumbing and electricity.  

 

I'm happy to sleep with my husband, though there have been times I've had to escape to the couch due to one or the other of us snoring, or my frequent leg/foot cramps. 

[Guest]

I have often thought this way, how nice a separate space would be. But when I really think it through, what I really want is just a living room with something like a mini-kitchen of my own. A place I can have people over without having to nag my husband and kids to clean up and also without disrupting everyone. Our house is small and a poor design so to get anywhere in the house one must pass through the living room, which is the only room suitable for guests. Oh it would need a powder room too. (We don't have a separate guest bath.) It could also be my retreat.

 

I think the name is dumb, but recently I've seen "she sheds" (link is to Country Living magazine) which are the answer to the man cave. One of these would do nicely! Though I would want plumbing and electricity.

 

I'm happy to sleep with my husband, though there have been times I've had to escape to the couch due to one or the other of us snoring, or my frequent leg/foot cramps.

Yes. When the Tiny House thing first caught on, I often thought I want one, just to be my separate space with bookshelves, a writing desk, internet, and cats. DH has a big garage that is his "chill space"; I want my own chill space.

[Guest]

My husband is amazing 95% of the time and an asshole about 5%, and I'm sure I'm more like 80/20 :lol: So I don't have personal experience with this in my marriage. I have, however, seen it from the outside.

 

The wife travels a lot and has her own life and is faithful to her (difficult) husband. They have little to nothing in common but their kids and grandkids, but live together and remain civil and friendly as much as they can. For her it's a lifelong commitment, and I don't think he sees a reason to move on even if things arent great and haven't been since she became a Christian.

 

They each have their own reasons for staying, but I never got the impression they were contentious most of the time. Just dissimilar in values and choices compared to when they married.

[FaithManor]

My husband is amazing 95% of the time and an asshole about 5%, and I'm sure I'm more like 80/20 :lol: So I don't have personal experience with this in my marriage. I have, however, seen it from the outside.

 

The wife travels a lot and has her own life and is faithful to her (difficult) husband. They have little to nothing in common but their kids and grandkids, but live together and remain civil and friendly as much as they can. For her it's a lifelong commitment, and I don't think he sees a reason to move on even if things arent great and haven't been since she became a Christian.

 

They each have their own reasons for staying, but I never got the impression they were contentious most of the time. Just dissimilar in values and choices compared to when they married.

LOL, Arctic! I think that your husband and my husband must be twins separated at birth! :D

 

And by the way, have you been to Dayton yet? Pins and needles here lady!

[StaceyinLA]

Ok, I'll just ask. Does he go to Disney with you?

Nope. He may one day, but as of now he hasn't. The only place we go together, or with the entire family, is the beach. He does love the beach.

[Guest]

Re: the space of one's own issue...  

 

Doris Day said the secret to a happy marriage is separate bathrooms.  :0)

 

I asked the mother of a friend  (who had 5 siblings, one with Down syndrome) what was the secret to a long and happy marriage:  "A BIG HOUSE."  

 

LOL. 

 

I have to agree with the "space of my own" premise.  It has been one of the biggest challenges in our downsizing.  I can't stand the clutter my dh and ds live in, and have to be able to get away from it.  

 

 

[Crimson Wife]

I just saw a headline that made me think of this thread.

 

"Anna Duggar hailed as 'strong woman' for forgiving Josh as couple reappears on social media"

I don't think she's being "strong" for staying with Josh and I seriously doubt she actually still loves him or has forgiven him. I think she feels trapped, especially now that she's pregnant again. :(

 

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 11, 2017 by tentwelve

[Seasider]

One of my SILs had an aunt and uncle who lived in neighboring apartments. They remained married, but thought it best not to live under the same roof, they bugged each other when they lived together. So, they lived separately and spent some time together daily. But not living in the same house.

 

Sometimes, this sounds like a perfectly logical arrangement to me. I have even thought many times that I would be perfectly content to have my own bedroom all to myself. I don't get any particular joy out of sleeping in the same bed as DH and besides that, he snores. He usually comes up to bed after I am asleep and that suits me fine.

It reminds me of the era (esp in novels) in which each spouse has a separate suite of rooms. I could get used to that! In no way does it mean I don't live my spouse, it just means I like my personal space.

 

OP, I also love my spouse but if I "fell" out of love, I would likely stay based on the commitment I made, my faith and my children anchoring me. In the case of abuse, I would not feel compelled to stay, as I would interpret the abuse as my spouse breaking the commitment.

[KungFuPanda]

If I woke up tomorrow not liking my Dh, I'd stay because we'd have to clean the basement to sell the house and nobody wants to clean the basement.  We're never divorcing, never selling, and never moving because we're both too lazy to clean the basement.

[Guest]

LOL, Arctic! I think that your husband and my husband must be twins separated at birth! :D

 

And by the way, have you been to Dayton yet? Pins and needles here lady!

We are here and heading home in a few hours :D

 

I don't love the downtown or over by the base, necessarily, but the area we would live is fantastic and pretty, just right! And the company loves my husband (and he is excited to work there) so the boss and HR are drafting up his offer at the present moment.

 

If it isn't stupidly low (unlikely) we will be moving inside of six weeks.

 

Oh, and Benny did horribly on the plane. Prayers that he wouldn't scream his head off on the return flight in a few hours would be much appreciated.

 

 

TA DAAAAAA! :rofl:

[Guest]

*ahem* Carry on with the marriage thread, sorry for the off topic.

[FaithManor]

Prayers for Benny, and his parents. Babies and planes do not always mix, sigh....

 

As for the thread, I think one reason my mom stayed was low self esteem. She did not have much before she married him, and after the wedding he did a good job of systematically dismantling what she did have. Sometimes I think she honestly thought she deserved his crap. Now that the jerk is dead, it is amazing to see her blossom! Tragic that she is 73 and will not have many years to enjoy life.

[Pam in CT]

If I woke up tomorrow not liking my Dh, I'd stay because we'd have to clean the basement to sell the house and nobody wants to clean the basement.  We're never divorcing, never selling, and never moving because we're both too lazy to clean the basement.

 

 

Excellent point, lol.

 

 

(Our basement.... shudder.  Oooooh boy.)

[marbel]

If I woke up tomorrow not liking my Dh, I'd stay because we'd have to clean the basement to sell the house and nobody wants to clean the basement.  We're never divorcing, never selling, and never moving because we're both too lazy to clean the basement.

 

Yeah.  Well, for us it's the garage... which does not contain a car.

[FaithManor]

If I woke up tomorrow not liking my Dh, I'd stay because we'd have to clean the basement to sell the house and nobody wants to clean the basement.  We're never divorcing, never selling, and never moving because we're both too lazy to clean the basement.

There is tremendous truth in this! Seriously, the thought of having to make this place sparkle and get it ready to show, always being ready to vacate at a moment's notice because some potential buyer wants to see it????? :tongue_smilie:  :tongue_smilie:  :tongue_smilie:  Nah easier to just live with the dude.

 

So I thought I was in this marriage because we genuinely love each other, like each other, and are best friends. But you have me re-thinking this!  :D  :D  :D

[Audrey]

I just saw a headline that made me think of this thread.

 

I don't think she's being "strong" for staying with Josh and I seriously doubt she actually still loves him or has forgiven him. I think she feels trapped, especially now that she's pregnant again. :(

 

That's a good point. 

[FaithManor]

I just saw a headline that made me think of this thread.

 

I don't think she's being "strong" for staying with Josh and I seriously doubt she actually still loves him or has forgiven him. I think she feels trapped, especially now that she's pregnant again. :(

I agree completely, Crimson. She is pretty well trapped. When her brother wanted to get her away from the Duggars, and was vocal to news agencies about this as well as to her on social media, and through letters he sent to her, the Duggars up and took her and the kids to some remote mountain place with no internet access and kept her there for weeks. There was a LOT of upset in their community because they felt like she was being sequestered by them. In a paradigm in which she becomes the "property" of her father in law when the husband is away, something she has been taught from birth in a Gothard/IBLP home, she would not likely be inclined to resist, and remember Papa Duggar holds the financial keys. Women in Gothard world are not allowed to have money of their own, names on the accounts, deeds, etc. she would have no resources for leaving with four young children in two except her brother. Her parents made public statements of supporting reconciliation between the two...standing by her man was the way it was put. So no help there.

 

Very much trapped.

 

That is NOT a healthy. It's abusive. That isn't marital healing, just lack of choice. The lack of choice part is scary.

 

In my mom's case, she really did have choices. I think that she didn't see them as particularly viable due to low self esteem, but she was nowhere near trapped as I suspect Anna Duggar is.

[heartlikealion]

I'm not gonna lie, I have googled what grounds an annulment is approved. Things aren't all peachy right now. But I think counseling needs to happen before I determine anything about our future. More than one of those reasons apply.

[ktgrok]

Having observed less than stellar outcomes for children in friends and acquaintances being dragged through Family Court, I think avoiding it wherever possible is a sane position. (It's not always possible.) I long ago decided I would not put myself or the kids in the path of Family Court, and have been lucky enough to avoid it. Everything I have ever seen since only confirms me in that position.

 

Good point. My ex was not in a position to fight me on anything in court, and we actually wrote up our own agreement easily. Had that not been the case my cost/benefit analysis for leaving would have been different. 

[Carrie12345]

There are plenty of days when I don't like dh.  It's the kind of don't like that I can live with.

There was a period in which we actively DISliked each other.  It wasn't a healthy time for anyone, including the kids.  We went to counseling because we somehow still *loved* each other.  And we made each other promise that it wasn't for kids or money.

 

So, yeah, those are 3 very different things to me. The time of active dislike was miserable.  Based on that, I don't believe I could survive a loveless marriage.  A single, loveless life, sure.  But not a loveless partnership. It would probably make a big part of me shrivel up and die inside. And that certainly wouldn't be good for the kids!

[Guest]

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