I'm disappointed and I don't feel right about calling UPDATED #34

[Ginevra]

My mother did not call me on my birthday yesterday. She hasn't yet called today, either. :( I'm bothered about it. She usually does call me on my birthday.

 

For history, we don't have a very warm or communicative relationship. She calls infrequently and I call her infrequently. There are actually a few things I wanted to tell her about, such as my cat being sick and some things with my in-laws. But now I feel weird about calling her. Would I say, "Hey, I had a birthday yesterday, did you know?" ðŸ˜. But it is bugging me...I'm starting to play The Guessing Game, in which I guess whether she in intentionally not calling me because of X, Y or Z.

 

WWYD?

Edited April 10, 2017 by Quill

[Twigs]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

(But also,  :party: Happy Birthday!)

[HomeAgain]

I'd stew, but not call.  I have the MIL that thinks my children should call *her* on their birthdays to get a proper greeting.  I've gotten down to just being cynical about it and thinking that it's her loss.

 

(and Happy Birthday!!  Hopefully you celebrated regardless!)

[gingersmom]

My mother has forgotten my birthday and we have a similar relationship.

 

I was upset but not surprised. Now if anyone forgot her birthday it is the end of the world.

 

Happy Birthday!

[mommyoffive]

Sending a hug.

 

I right there with you.  No call.  For years.  It hurts.  And none for the kids either. 

[unsinkable]

If she usually calls, call her.

 

Stuff happens. My ILs usually called my DH, but sometimes stuff came up, and they lost track of time, especially as they got older.

 

I'm sorry she didn't call but I'd give her a chance to explain.

[caedmyn]

Maybe she actually forgot?  I forgot my dad's birthday this year, and my brother's last year, quite unintentionally.  Now I put all birthdays & anniversaries on my phone calendar with reminders so I don't forget any more!

[Pawz4me]

I'm sorry, Quill. I know that must hurt.

 

I *think* I would call. I think it would make me feel better and I'd probably worry that something was going on (she was ill or hurt, etc.).

Edited April 9, 2017 by Pawz4me

[Laurie4b]

Do you have a way of finding out whether she is okay without calling?  

 

And also, as people age, the probability of a loss of cognitive skills goes up. She may have forgotten, or thought she called. Just because you haven't seen glaring evidence, I wouldn't rule it out. Sometimes the first signs are subtle and people miss them. 

[clementine]

I'm sorry!  I'd probably be salty, but not call.  I think I'd be afraid of the reaction - either one of disinterest or indifference?  That would hurt me more than not knowing, I think.  

 

Happy Birthday!  I hope others made it special for you :)

 

[Guest]

Do you have a way of finding out whether she is okay without calling?

 

And also, as people age, the probability of a loss of cognitive skills goes up. She may have forgotten, or thought she called. Just because you haven't seen glaring evidence, I wouldn't rule it out. Sometimes the first signs are subtle and people miss them.

Yeah...it's a good point. My dad is there so, presumably, nothing is badly amiss. But I also can't guarantee that he would say, "Did you call Danielle for her birthday yet?" He's not the social connector of the pair.

 

It's possible she does not know if she called or not, or she thinks she called.

[Pam in CT]

:grouphug:

 

I'd call.  Things happen.  Also, parents can age very fast all of a sudden.  

[Caroline]

I'm sorry. If my mom didn't call me on my birthday I would be really disappointed. And then I would worry if she was heading towards dimentia. (I am pessimistic.) I would probably call her the next day. (I might even call her the evening of my birthday.) I hope everything is ok with your mom.

[PrincessMommy]

I get it.  Had a similar relationship with my mom.  I'd probably not call because I just learned that was the way it was going to be.  But, that was my experience. YMMV.

 

Sorry your mom didn't call you on your birthday. It sucks.   :grouphug:

[Lanny]

Does she normally remember to call you on your birthdays?   If so, possibly she is sick. If not, then it is normal for her. I hope you enjoyed your special day anyway and that you ate a lot of your birthday cake and ice cream.

[Catwoman]

I would absolutely call. I would have called by last night. I would have wanted to know what was going on.

[Miss Peregrine]

I've forgotten my share of birthdays and I'm only 44 so I would guess it's that. Doesn't make it any less disappointing for you, though. :grouphug:

[Anne in CA]

I'm sorry. That is not pleasant. I still hope you had a happy birthday...

[Selkie]

I'm sorry.  :grouphug:

 

I have (and have always had) a distant relationship with my only surviving parent, and I know how painful it is.

 

 

[Farrar]

I have a similar relationship with my mom. I'd just call. Stop stewing. She probably forgot. Which sucks, but the longer you let it go, the worse it'll be.

[gardenmom5]

my grandmother demanded we call and pay obeisance to her on her birthday.  she always called on  ours so she could pontificate on her holiness and what her chosen minions were doing. 

 

one year, she didn't.  so, I called her.  I *never* mentioned it was my birthday.  we had a 'normal' conversation.  she never realized it was my birthday - and we eventually hung up.

 

maybe it's petty of me - but she called the next day/few days later after having realized it was my birthday when I called, and she was very embarrassed.

[displace]

(Hugs).

[SKL]

I agree that if she usually calls, I'd call her and make sure everything is all right i.e. she isn't having unusual problems that you should know about.

 

I wouldn't bring up the birthday, I'd just say how ya doing and act normal.  She may well have forgotten, so no point making an issue of it.

[Catwoman]

Soooooo..... did you call her?

 

Not that I'm nosy or anything.

 

If you did call, I hope she had a good explanation.

[Kassia]

:grouphug:

 

I'd call.  Things happen.  Also, parents can age very fast all of a sudden.  

 

Yes, this is what happened with my father.  :(

 

 

I'm sorry your mom didn't call and you're disappointed.   :grouphug:

[Guest]

Soooooo..... did you call her?

 

Not that I'm nosy or anything.

 

If you did call, I hope she had a good explanation.

No, I haven't called her yet. I'm going to call her today, I guess.

 

This will be hard to understand for people who don't have a weird relationship with their moms, but I can easily imagine her well aware that my birthday DID pass, but not calling me in a head game to see if I will call her. I'm supposed to be anxious that she didn't call (which I am - Ha!) and then turn it into being about her. I could just be cynical. But it matches some history.

[Kassia]

No, I haven't called her yet. I'm going to call her today, I guess.

 

This will be hard to understand for people who don't have a weird relationship with their moms, but I can easily imagine her well aware that my birthday DID pass, but not calling me in a head game to see if I will call her. I'm supposed to be anxious that she didn't call (which I am - Ha!) and then turn it into being about her. I could just be cynical. But it matches some history.

 

I totally understand that.  You don't want to be manipulated.  

[Chris in VA]

I'd call. 

What would happen if you said something like, "Hi Mom. Are you ok? I was really disappointed that you didn't call me on my birthday. (say that gently, not pouty) You always used to. Are you ok?"

 

If she's manipulating you, you are talking the first action and calling her out. If she really forgot, you are showing concern. 

 

IDK, maybe that's game-playing. Part of me is just too old and bitter now to take anyone's crap. LOL--but it depends on the day and how I wake up in the morning. 

[SKL]

No, I haven't called her yet. I'm going to call her today, I guess.

 

This will be hard to understand for people who don't have a weird relationship with their moms, but I can easily imagine her well aware that my birthday DID pass, but not calling me in a head game to see if I will call her. I'm supposed to be anxious that she didn't call (which I am - Ha!) and then turn it into being about her. I could just be cynical. But it matches some history.

 

She may be playing a game.  It's OK to play along.  She's your ma.  You can laugh about it (with your dh or us) later.  :)

 

You obviously care about each other.  Otherwise this thread would not have been started.  :)

[fairfarmhand]

My mom is in heaven. If you normally have a good relationship, call her. I'd love to be able to call mine just once more. And yes, I can see her losing track of the days and forgetting to call. And I can see me doing the same, I'm so absentminded in middle age, I dread to imagine what my senior years will be like.

 

 

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[gardenmom5]

No, I haven't called her yet. I'm going to call her today, I guess.

 

This will be hard to understand for people who don't have a weird relationship with their moms, but I can easily imagine her well aware that my birthday DID pass, but not calling me in a head game to see if I will call her. I'm supposed to be anxious that she didn't call (which I am - Ha!) and then turn it into being about her. I could just be cynical. But it matches some history.

 

I'm so sorry.  that's hard.  it becomes a toss-up about what to do.

[zoobie]

No, I haven't called her yet. I'm going to call her today, I guess.

 

This will be hard to understand for people who don't have a weird relationship with their moms, but I can easily imagine her well aware that my birthday DID pass, but not calling me in a head game to see if I will call her. I'm supposed to be anxious that she didn't call (which I am - Ha!) and then turn it into being about her. I could just be cynical. But it matches some history.

 

I'm sorry, Quill. DH's issues with his parents came to a head around his birthday (they didn't call, ha...) which wound up being the last straw for him. (Not the not calling part; that was not even a tiny drop in the bucket of crazy!)

 

I hope you had a nice birthday. :grouphug:

[J-rap]

I'm sorry.   :grouphug:   If you want to talk to her, I'd just call her.  I'm sure it'll feel a little awkward, but maybe if you did it in a casual, light-hearted way, it wouldn't feel as awkward.  "Hey Mom! Just wanted to make sure you're okay since I didn't hear from you yesterday!" and then move on (without waiting for a response) to tell her what you did to celebrate, how the kids are doing, etc.

 

It sounds like your relationship is strained.  But it seems like just picking up the phone and calling her will not hurt anything, and could have the potential to move things in the right direction.

 

Good luck!

[Guest]

So, I did call. And I can't really explain anything. The moment she knew it was me, she wished me a Happy Birthday. She said she sent me a card; I don't know why it hasn't turned up yet. She did say she had been sick and then my dad was sick as well, but that isn't necessarily why she neglected to call. She also knew my cat was sick from FB so that was a little bit weird, too, in that she has been following different things but didn't call or even comment on FB about it. Well, whatever. She is invited to come here for Easter Sunday. Now my next awkward ticking bomb is that one of my younger nieces/nephews is transgender and not everyone knows this. So that should be interesting Easter Sunday dinner chat. 🙊 I'm not sure if I ought to mention this to the people who might not know or just wait for the chips to fall where they may.

 

 

Ah, what would I do without holiday dinners to keep life interesting?

[Scarlett]

So, I did call. And I can't really explain anything. The moment she knew it was me, she wished me a Happy Birthday. She said she sent me a card; I don't know why it hasn't turned up yet. She did say she had been sick and then my dad was sick as well, but that isn't necessarily why she neglected to call. She also knew my cat was sick from FB so that was a little bit weird, too, in that she has been following different things but didn't call or even comment on FB about it. Well, whatever. She is invited to come here for Easter Sunday. Now my next awkward ticking bomb is that one of my younger nieces/nephews is transgender and not everyone knows this. So that should be interesting Easter Sunday dinner chat. 🙊 I'm not sure if I ought to mention this to the people who might not know or just wait for the chips to fall where they may.

 

 

Ah, what would I do without holiday dinners to keep life interesting?

 

 

Well, I would want to know. I hate being blindsided by things like that.  And then wonderign who all knew and how foolish do I look that I didn't know. 

[Annie G]

Glad you talked to her but I know how you feel. I spent the past week visiting my dad and it's so clear that mom was the one who kept him civilized. He never once mentioned my birthday though both my sister and niece gave me a gift right in front of him.

Do you have a relationship w your transgender relative to ask if they would like you to pave the way before the family dinner?

Btw happy belated birthday!

[catz]

Ack, the transgender thing is hard.  I would want to know ahead of time.  But if it were my niece or nephew, I wouldn't feel like it's my news to tell unless asked to do so.  I might be asking around "Does X and Y know about N's transition?  It might be good to give them a heads up so they can use proper name and pronouns."  Maybe it will put the bug in someone's ear for a heads up all around.

[Guest]

Ack, the transgender thing is hard. I would want to know ahead of time. But if it were my niece or nephew, I wouldn't feel like it's my news to tell unless asked to do so. I might be asking around "Does X and Y know about N's transition? It might be good to give them a heads up so they can use proper name and pronouns." Maybe it will put the bug in someone's ear for a heads up all around.

I asked the mother of the transgender person if they would prefer everyone knows this in advance or just let the chips fall where they may. The mother is aware of and sensotive to the fact that elderly family members may not even understand this if I explain it. So, for the time being at least, the mother thinks it isn't necessary to inform everyone ahead of time. If someone notices the name change, the mother may sometimes just say it's a nickname the young person prefers. Pronouns are trickier; my kids know about the transition and may use the preferred new pronoun, which could definitely cause a relative to say, "WHO?" So I guess we just see what happens and hope there isn't anything cataclysmic as the ham is served.

 

As it happens, the large majority of extended family is not planning to come/already has plans. My MIL, who is living with us ATM, is the only one who really might be confused if she pays attention to the transgender person carefully enough to notice the name change or my kids using different pronouns.

[chiguirre]

As it happens, the large majority of extended family is not planning to come/already has plans. My MIL, who is living with us ATM, is the only one who really might be confused if she pays attention to the transgender person carefully enough to notice the name change or my kids using different pronouns.

 

Since she's living with you, I would go ahead and tell her. She'll be there the whole time and won't be able to stomp off if she gets upset so it's better for her to get it out of her system if she needs to before the ham is being served.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I always call my mom and dad on my birthday, It's just easier then a week later listening to them apologize for forgetting, because honestly, I could not care less if they remember but don't want them to feel bad for it.

 

 

*I talk to my dad every couple months but we pick up where we left off easily(he's really caring).  I talk to my mom a couple times a week and it's often friendly ....occasionally, not so much.

[JennSnow]

Happy birthday!  I'm sorry your mom forgot.  My mom and I have a pretty easy going relationship so I'd probably call and just say , "Helllooooo...did you forget something?!", lol, but only because I KNOW that if she didn't call it was because she forgot or got distracted and that it was in no way purposeful.