Ginevra Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Quick backstory: I was once dear friends with "Sue," and good friends with "Janie." Sue was one of my best friends, but she did not like Janie and trashed her with some regularity. Honestly, Sue is not a very nice person, but she was a lot of fun and very extroverted. I had a lot of fun just riding on her extroverted coat-tails. But then, around 2005, things drastically went south. I never really understood this, but the death of Sue's mother and then my own baby's death just changed the dynamic between us in a weird way that was never resolved. More surprisingly, Sue and Janie became new bffs. In actuality, Sue and Janie are a better fit as friends and are much more similar than Sue and I were. I don't dwell on this loss too much and it's been a lot of years and I have other great friends, so usually, this is okay. However, it is a milestone birthday for Sue today, and Janie posted a picture on FB of her and Sue having a ball together, with her heartfelt delight and well-wishes for Sue on her birthday. This still makes me jealous. Even in thinking Sue is really not that nice a person, and my friendship with Janie has gone quite lukewarm, still there's that feeling of, "Well, that sucks, seeing them having a ball and aren't they just such dear buddies now." :( Such moments make me feel like calling Janie and saying, "BTW, do you want a list of all the mean things Sue used to say about you? And, better watch your back because she probably now has a good idea where she can plunge the knife." So - there's me, being 13 again. 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommyoffive Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Ugh. Sorry that this happened to you. Yes you can still be jealous. I would be too. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
umsami Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 :grouphug: I have a similar situation. It's been 10+ years and it can still bug me on birthdays and such. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 :) I've experienced friend jealousy. Didn't matter that I told myself I was being ridiculous and immature. I think jealousy is wired into us. As long as you don't act on those middle school girl urges you've got nothing but sympathy from me. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 It's understandable. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I understand completely. I have my own middle-school-jealousy moments too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I'd probably unfollow them on fb. I know how you feel. I have old friends whose happy moments sometimes require effort to celebrate. :) 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplejackmama Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Blah!!! I get this. I do. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 A normal feeling that social media exacerbates. In the past you would not have seen a picture of them having a grand old time. You might not have even known they got together. Ignorance is truly bliss. Embrace and acknowledge your feelings and then go do something fun with people you actually like. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 BTDT and it still hurts. I am sorry. Can you move near me? We can go have a ball together~ I won't even trash anyone. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mothersweets Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Yeah, I get it. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 It sucks. I'm sorry. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I'd probably unfollow them on fb. I know how you feel. I have old friends whose happy moments sometimes require effort to celebrate. :) I think "Sue" is Hidden (still a friend, but Hidden), but Janie is not Hidden. There could be social fall-out if I unfriended either or both. I don't normally see any posts by Sue, but I saw this one because it was Janie posting it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Had a relationship that went south. It hurt. A lot. Especially as I felt that my motives were misunderstood and it was a time of great stress in my life outside of that friendship. On the other hand, there were some unhealthy dynamics in the relationship, as well as unusual circumstances that I won't get into here, that I needed to be freed from. I shed many tears over it all, but also recognized that some stresses were relieved--though I don't think I would ever have ended the friendship myself. It's been a long time, but now and then I will see something or hear something that makes me feel sad and insecure, and realize that I still have some hurt over it all. Each time, I go through a kind of self-talk on forgiveness, boundaries, and freedom. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I think "Sue" is Hidden (still a friend, but Hidden), but Janie is not Hidden. There could be social fall-out if I unfriended either or both. I don't normally see any posts by Sue, but I saw this one because it was Janie posting it. Maybe you should hide Janie's posts too. Really why rub salt in your wounds by having to see those posts? She won't know you are hiding them. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janeway Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Sorry to say, but it's pretty much certain that now, Sue sits around saying bad things about you. People like that don't change. And don't be surprised if she has gas lighted you too. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I have my own 13 year old moments, so I totally get it. But really, Sue sounds like a nasty piece of work and I think you are much better off without her. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 (edited) I would totally unfollow and possibly unfriend. I think those are normal feelings. But when you can avoid learning about those situations, all the better IMO. A group of my mom friends were at a hotel partying it up all weekend. And a bunch of us were KIND of invited too late as an afterthought, but seeing their escapades did make me a bit bitter. I unfollowed the lot of them for the past week and will probably start refollowing later. If I had no contact with them and really wasn't friends with them, I'd totally unfriend. Edited January 9, 2017 by WoolySocks 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Sorry to say, but it's pretty much certain that now, Sue sits around saying bad things about you. People like that don't change. And don't be surprised if she has gas lighted you too. No doubt in my mind. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peaceful Isle Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Yup, life has a way of changing friendships. :( I just recently went through a friendship trial. It makes you not want to open up to anyone else again. So sorry about your pain. It's real, and not petty. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplejackmama Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Yup, life has a way of changing friendships. :( I just recently went through a friendship trial. It makes you not want to open up to anyone else again. So sorry about your pain. It's real, and not petty. I don't like your trial but I agree with your assessment. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RioSamba Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Ouch! I think part of the sting is that Sue is so mean, and there she is, looking happy as a clam. The unfairness burns, even though we know the world isn't fair. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 (hugs) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 (edited) I think it's normal to miss the fun time you had. If it makes you feel any better, it's probably only a matter of time before Sue and Janie part ways. People don't change too much. You'll be better off without the drama, in the long run, and you'll have more time to cultivate much more healthy and happy relationships. Edited January 9, 2017 by wintermom 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Middle school is the gift that just keeeps on giving. I think it's perfectly normal. When you and Sue hit a hard spot you probably used your pain to become more functional and you mentally didn't connect with Sue anymore. Maybe Sue did too and that's why she gravitated toward Janie who she previously disdained, but now could see she had things in common with. Honestly people changing is part of life, but not wanting to be left out is a large part of life. I NEVER want to make other people feel that way, so I don't put a bunch of stuff on Facebook that I otherwise might. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I am sorry. I recently had some friendship drama. It hurts!! And for me it hurts more because it makes me feel small. I feel like I should be able to see things rationally, let it go, move on, etc. etc. To get hung up on it makes me feel immature and yucky! I can think about it rationally, let it go, etc. but for some reason it still hurts more than it should. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
footballmom Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I'm so sorry and sending you many hugs. I'm going through a similar situation right now and it just really stings. I'm sorry :( 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tess in the Burbs Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 Long ago I became friends with K. I had heard a lot about A and K being friends. A had older kids and was a busy gal. I really enjoyed my time as K's friend. We moved farther away in the same area and found myself dropped. Like told to my face I'm too far to bother with now. K found a new friend... and years later another new friend...etc. I spent time with A after the dumping and discovered she had been best buds with K for years. Until me. And then I was dumped for a string a new ones myself. It hurts. I miss that friendship. But I know I'm better off now. And i don't like near any of them anymore LOL Sorry you still feel jealously about the situation. I agree, if she was nasty about the other lady, she's not to be trusted now. Some people just have to have someone to trash. DH learned the hard way in college that if someone is trash talking you will eventually be trampled on as well. And Dh was. It was awful. And people wonder why adults have such high walls ..... 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 hugs. is it *really* "jealousy"? or frustration that someone who can be mean, can seem to "come out ahead"? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 :grouphug: I am struggling with some friend jealousy myself. There was a friend I was really close with and we have had a cooling of our relationship. She became really good friends with someone else in our circle and I got pushed to the side. She still says she cares about me and is concerned about me, but never once did she stop over in the 3 months of confinement after my surgery (and after begging for help on facebook.) I see her posting pics of her doing all these fun things with other people and I find myself without a social life that does not involve my daughter's activities. Actually, it is not her posting all of these things, but she is tagged in pics that other people are in. That is when I realized that I am not in anyone else's pics at all. I just about lost it when I saw her out walking with a mutual friend who had also cooled toward me. It especially hurt because she was my walking partner for many years. I don't have any great advice because I feel like a perpetual 13 year old these days. Just hugs and prayers. If you lived near me, I'd invite you over for a cuppa. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 hugs. is it *really* "jealousy"? or frustration that someone who can be mean, can seem to "come out ahead"? I'm sure that is a part of it, like she still gets the "payoff" of being honored and admired by Janie, even though she was rotten about Janie for years. But part is truly jealousy, because they are depicted doing something fun in a fun location and that used to be me. It is similar to seeing picture of your ex having fun with his new mate on a cruise or at a restaurant where you used to go and you remember that it used to be *you* enjoying that trip or that great restaurant, but it isn't you anymore. Of course, I can still do fun things with my current friends, so it's not as if I actually don't have it anymore, but it does pretty much take a much more gregarious person sort of dragging me along for the ride, lol. I mean, I'm game for doing things and going fun places, but if it's all up to me to steer, it doesn't happen that much because I worry about the expense, or I have a complex and think surely no one will pay hundreds of dollars to go on a trip with me or it's just easier to say I'll do the thing in the future sometime. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 :grouphug: I am struggling with some friend jealousy myself. There was a friend I was really close with and we have had a cooling of our relationship. She became really good friends with someone else in our circle and I got pushed to the side. She still says she cares about me and is concerned about me, but never once did she stop over in the 3 months of confinement after my surgery (and after begging for help on facebook.) I see her posting pics of her doing all these fun things with other people and I find myself without a social life that does not involve my daughter's activities. Actually, it is not her posting all of these things, but she is tagged in pics that other people are in. That is when I realized that I am not in anyone else's pics at all. I just about lost it when I saw her out walking with a mutual friend who had also cooled toward me. It especially hurt because she was my walking partner for many years. I don't have any great advice because I feel like a perpetual 13 year old these days. Just hugs and prayers. If you lived near me, I'd invite you over for a cuppa. Bingo. Yeah, it's that. It's thinking, "That used to be me, but I'm not in the picture anymore." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wendy not in HI Posted January 9, 2017 Share Posted January 9, 2017 I hate that! There is something about those friendship posts that are almost made to make everyone else feel left out and jealous, just like middle school! A friend of mine posted on Facebook today about how much her friends mean to her, then singled out and linked to two of her good friends. I know she was just sharing her joy, but it was also a little bit of a dig at anyone else who is not quite cool enough... 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 (edited) I've had that sort of thing happen with people I thought were going to be good friends. It turned out to be a matter of unrequited friendship. I thought the three of us would be such great friends (we all met on the same day at a Mom's group), and then I found out that the other two completely bonded and thought of me as the acquaintance and not the real friend. It was jarring and painful to realize I was just the third wheel, when I thought we were all equally invested with each other. I had really, really liked these women. And they were really nice, too. But they clicked with each other in a way that I didn't. It took me a full 3 years to figure out that I was the third wheel! It took a while to be able to be around them without feeling rejected, but I finally got past it. One of them wished the other a heartfelt birthday the other day on FB, too, and even though it's been 10 years and I'm past it, I still felt that funny little tug. I scrolled past the picture really fast. (scroll, scroll, scroll!) Edited January 10, 2017 by Garga 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I feel a twinge of jealously when I see pics of highschool friends hanging out together. Even though we have changd enough over the years that I don't feel like I "fit in" with them all that well anymore. (Which is okay with me) And I am an introvert and hate going out and wouldn't want to go anyway! But the inner 13 year old in us never dies! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I have had a similar thing happen twice. It's... yeah... it's just sucky. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrairieSong Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I get it. I used to be friends, though not best friends, with someone like Sue. She could be sweet, but then she'd talk about other people in a funny, sarcastic, can-you-believe-it kind of way. The nastiness was there but covered by a layer of humor, kwim? I eventually realized that this "Sue" cycled through friends on a regular basis. Do you ever see these two? Would it really matter to you if there was some fallout? I would unfriend and forget them. However, if you have mutual friends or something else that complicates the matter, I might just hide both of them on Facebook. Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alicia64 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 Super very understandable. I have many "13 year old" moments that I'm not thrilled about. Some I've actually acted on and then felt like a complete idiot. Friendships are meaningful, yet tough. Sometimes it seems like a lot of us never really got out of high school (and I include myself in that group!). Alley 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I get it. I used to be friends, though not best friends, with someone like Sue. She could be sweet, but then she'd talk about other people in a funny, sarcastic, can-you-believe-it kind of way. The nastiness was there but covered by a layer of humor, kwim? I eventually realized that this "Sue" cycled through friends on a regular basis. Do you ever see these two? Would it really matter to you if there was some fallout? I would unfriend and forget them. However, if you have mutual friends or something else that complicates the matter, I might just hide both of them on Facebook. Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk Yes, they are highly present in my life and that isn't subject to change anytime soon. But I do think I'm going to hide Janie too. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
38carrots Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 I have hidden people in these situations. For some reason it was difficult. But it gets easier. I also am very hesitant to completely unfriend someone (it feels so aggressive) but I have found that after hiding them for awhile it is easier. It all seems silly but for people still intertwined in your life it can be hard to deal with the social media. I think it gets easier over time especially when they don't keep popping up on your news feed. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted January 10, 2017 Share Posted January 10, 2017 OP you're human. It's OK. It's OK to have an emotional response that you know acting upon would be inappropriate. Changes in friendships is just hard. (((hug))) Hide the parties on FB. Acknowledge your feelings. Move forward. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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