Ugh. Things to NEVER say!

[Moxie]

My bff is 10 years older than me which kind of bothers her. We were at DD's school today and a teacher asked my bff if she was my mother. The look of horror on bff's face was not subtle. Then the teacher spent 5 solid minutes explaining that bff doesn't look old enough to be my mother, we just look so much alike (we don't), blah, blah, blah. It ended with everyone in the conversation feeling bad especially bff.

Say it with me. "Are you two sisters?"

[zoobie]

That teacher must have wanted a hole to open up and swallow her. Poor BFF. 

[Laurie4b]

I confess that I did that with someone and her older sister. I assumed it was her mother. I felt awful. You are right. Saying , "Are you two sisters?" has no downside. 

[marbel]

Ugh.  How awful.

 

And I get it.  I am old enough to be my kids' grandma, and many times people would assume that's who I was, so I had to correct them. And they'd be mortified.  Once, at the orthodontist, the receptionist (a young man) asked me "are you grandma?  Or mom?"  I said "I'm mom" and he was horrified.  He said his mother would be so mad at him for that.  I said "just always assume it's mom.  If it is grandma, you've made her day, and if it's mom, you haven't mad her mad."    

 

People just don't think. They don't mean to be rude, but they just don't think. 

 

 

[kroe1]

"How are you two related?" sounds even better.

[thessa516]

Oh yes, I watched some poor nurse really step in it at my Mom's oncology appointment. She asked my Aunt if she was my Mom's mom. Went over like a lead balloon. 

[Tangerine]

This same exact thing happens to me and my BFF and we are the same age.  In fact, she's about 6 months younger.  I do not look young, and she does not look old.  I have no idea WHY this happens, unless it's because I'm always acting the fool.

[SKL]

Goodness, we need to have a sense of humor about our age.

 

My mom was once accused of being younger than my brother (when he was 18) - they had to card "his girlfriend"!

 

Someone thought I was my dad's wife.

 

People have thought my mom was my sister's sister.

 

It's all funny to me.  How can you blame a stranger for trying to make friendly conversation?  I don't agree that every possible comment that could imply age must be off the table.

[SKL]

Saying , "Are you two sisters?" has no downside. 

 

Unless you are the daughter in that scenario.  :p

Edited December 1, 2016 by SKL

[SKL]

"How are you two related?" sounds even better.

 

Or opens a whole other can of worms.  Says the person who is NOT related to the two other adults living in my house.  :P

[MEmama]

Someone was recently surprised to find out I'm DS' mom--she said we look around the same age.

 

I was not amused and it did not feel good. Even though it's obvious I'm not a young teen, it felt terribly disrespectful.

 

Nothing should be said, people, nothing at all.

[SKL]

Someone was recently surprised to find out I'm DS' mom--she said we look around the same age.

 

I was not amused and it did not feel good. Even though it's obvious I'm not a young teen, it felt terribly disrespectful.

 

Nothing should be said, people, nothing at all.

 

My mom was offended too when she was carded because her 18yo son was trying to buy her a beer.  And here I thought people liked being thought younger.  I guess I am just dense.  :)

[AmandaVT]

DH got asked once if I was his daughter! He is 9 years older than me and I looked very young for my age at the time, but I thought he was going to die of embarrassment. :-) 

[J-rap]

People used to ask my older sister if she was my mother all the time.  It was always so embarrassing for everyone.  People don't ask her that anymore though, which means I now look old too!

 

But I agree, please don't ask that question!  Asking if you're sisters is always a good way to start.

 

 

 

 

[HomeAgain]

I have been given the children's menu when dh and I started going out.  It was, um, awkward to say the least.

[Sarah CB]

That would probably bother me, too. But, I certainly don't mind being thought of as younger. The most wonderful compliment ever accidentally paid to me was from my youngest son's best friend's dad. I have known this guy for two years - we chat for a few minutes when dropping off a kid or picking up a kid at each other's houses. I hadn't seen him in about 5 months and during that time I dropped a lot of weight. When he picked up his son from my house in October he asked if I was my son's sister. I thought he was kidding - I thought it was a compliment on the weight loss, but then he said something else and it was clear he actually didn't recognize me. At all. And he did know that my son had an older sister in her early twenties - he'd never met dd before so I guess he just assumed that was me. He was embarrassed when we straightened it all out. I was thrilled. Still am.

[nevergiveup]

People have thought I was my kids' grandma.

Got a senior citizen's discount at a store when I was in my early 40s.  On the one hand, I was ticked.  On the other, I saved a couple of bucks, so I was happy overall.

I have also been called "Mr." but to be fair, that was from behind and I look sorta like a dude.

I have been thought to be a lesbian.  My girlfriend, who used to be a bodybuilder, was thought to be my significant other.   Neither one of us are gay. 

 

 

[Greta]

DH got asked once if I was his daughter! He is 9 years older than me and I looked very young for my age at the time, but I thought he was going to die of embarrassment. :-) 

 

 

My dh is 18 years older than me, so I knew those kinds of assumptions would be inevitable.  But since he looks exceptionally young for his age, it actually has only happened once in the almost-25 years that we've been together!  We had to sit separately on a crowded train once, and I was trying to get his attention about something.  The woman sitting across from him told him, "your daughter wants to talk to you".  The funny thing was, our daughter was sitting right next to him.  Maybe she thought we were sisters?  I just hope she didn't think my daughter was my mother because now that would be a little weird!  :lol:

[Wheres Toto]

Dh gets asked if he's the kids grandfather ALL the time.  He is 60 years old with pure white hair but still, people should know better than to assume these days.  Only once did someone ask if I was his daughter and it was before I had the last two kids, when I actually looked younger than I am.  I am 13 years younger than he is.

 

Whenever people find out I have a 22 year old daughter the almost always say "you don't look old enough to have a daughter that old" and a few make comments about having been a teen mom.  I was 24 when I had her so not that young at all.  Granted, I am younger than the majority of her friends parents.  They seem to be mostly around dh's age.

 

I think this is like pregnancy - you don't mention someone's pregnancy unless you are absolutely, 100% sure they are pregnant.  You should never make comments about relationships between people unless you already know the answer.

[billswife]

People are always telling me that I don't look old enough to have an 18 year old. I always wonder what that exactly means. Do you think I was 14 when I had him? I was 22. Is it a compliment? I'm never sure what to say.

[gardenmom5]

Ugh.  How awful.

 

And I get it.  I am old enough to be my kids' grandma, and many times people would assume that's who I was, so I had to correct them. And they'd be mortified.  Once, at the orthodontist, the receptionist (a young man) asked me "are you grandma?  Or mom?"  I said "I'm mom" and he was horrified.  He said his mother would be so mad at him for that.  I said "just always assume it's mom.  If it is grandma, you've made her day, and if it's mom, you haven't mad her mad."    

 

People just don't think. They don't mean to be rude, but they just don't think. 

 

dh thinks it's hilarious. . . . but then he smugly announces he's the dad.

 

dd  doesn't even bat an eye anymore when people think she's dudeling's mom - which is about every time she takes him somewhere, even if I'm there too.  (all of the kids have had that mistake made when he was with them.  even 2ds, who was 6' and 200lbs at the time.)    kinda irritates me, 'cause I'm the mom - not grandma.  (I had multiple kids when I was my girls age.)

and 1ds . . . dudeling is his mini-me they look so much alike. 1ds has a number of friends who thought he was the dad.

dudeling looked like 1dd when he was born, but now like 1ds.  1dd looks like dh's paternal side, and 1ds looks like my paternal grandmother.

 

 

eta: then dh is old enough to be dudeling's grandfather.  and 1dd IS old enough to be his mother.  she was a senior in college when he was born.

Edited December 1, 2016 by gardenmom5

[SKL]

People are always telling me that I don't look old enough to have an 18 year old. I always wonder what that exactly means. Do you think I was 14 when I had him? I was 22. Is it a compliment? I'm never sure what to say.

 

The time I said it to someone, it was meant as a compliment, but I quickly realized that not everyone would see it that way!

[Ravin]

Or opens a whole other can of worms.  Says the person who is NOT related to the two other adults living in my house.  :p

 

"This is my friend." or "This is my housemate." You are not strangers.

[theelfqueen]

I get the "you can't be his mother/you can't be old enough to be his mother" when out with my 21 year old and always have... it annoys me constantly.

 

Worst one was on my first day of teaching, I was in my 20s. I thought I was dressed professionally. I got asked by another teacher (who i had mwt and seen at planning meetings and such) if I had a hall pass when I was heading somewhere during my planning period. I did make jokes with that teacher for a long time afterward "I would have made those department copies but no one would give me a pass to the office. / I would have brought you coffee but I'm not allowed in the teacher's lounge."

 

Sent from my SM-G930V using Tapatalk

[Sarah CB]

People are always telling me that I don't look old enough to have an 18 year old. I always wonder what that exactly means. Do you think I was 14 when I had him? I was 22. Is it a compliment? I'm never sure what to say.

 

I was only 18 when I had dd so I've always had comments about not looking old enough to have her. 

 

I used to be quite self-conscious about it, but now I just give whoever it is a huge smile and say, "Thank you!" 

[Reefgazer]

Yeah, I agree with this. And it time to stop thinking that older people are unattractive o that it's insulting to be older.

 

Goodness, we need to have a sense of humor about our age.

 

My mom was once accused of being younger than my brother (when he was 18) - they had to card "his girlfriend"!

 

Someone thought I was my dad's wife.

 

People have thought my mom was my sister's sister.

 

It's all funny to me. How can you blame a stranger for trying to make friendly conversation? I don't agree that every possible comment that could imply age must be off the table.

[SKL]

I did feel a little weird when I was 19 and my kid sister was 6.  Someone asked if I was her mom, and I played along with what I thought was a joke.  Then I realized I'd just told my college prof that I had a kid when I was a young teen.  :p  I even looked young for my age.

Edited December 1, 2016 by SKL

[gardenmom5]

People are always telling me that I don't look old enough to have an 18 year old. I always wonder what that exactly means. Do you think I was 14 when I had him? I was 22. Is it a compliment? I'm never sure what to say.

 

it's supposed to be a complement that you look younger than you are.

just give a perfunctory smile.  and change the subject.   I've heard that so many times . . . . honestly - it's tiresome.  and clerks in stores ignore you because they think you're too young to be a serious shopper.  (I complained to the manager about one.)

[Sarah CB]

Ok - here's one that does annoy me. I have brown hair, dh has dark brown hair, and our two middle boys both have brown hair. Littlest ds is blonde and oldest dd is blonde. I can't count how many times I've been asked, in relation to either littlest ds or dd, "Where did that blonde hair come from?" Depending on who is asking, I've actually said, "From the mail man!" Dh has made funny jokes about how often he works out of town. 

 

But, seriously, I always wonder what prompts people to ask? Do they want a long diatribe about how I was blonde when I was a little kid and my sister was actually blonde until she hit her twenties so there must be blonde genes somewhere? 

[cave canem]

I know a married couple born with a few months of one another.  When they were about 70, the husband was consulting a doctor.  When they went to the waiting room and saw the wife there, the doc said, "Oh, is this your mother?"

[Spryte]

I'm short. And I seem to have a lot of tall friends. When this happens to us, I always blame it on the height difference. It's always mortifying for all. Ugh.

 

"Are you sisters?" Or "how are you related?" really are nicer.

[Carrie12345]

If you are going to card a man at the bar, please be sure to card the woman with him, tyvm!!!

 

15 years later, someone thought my son was my husband, which might have soothed the earlier memory, but it just grossed me out instead!

[TravelingChris]

People don't think.  That is why with one couple with a elementary school daughter I never asked what the relationship was. I saw them in church.  As we have become better friends I now know that she is the grandaughter and she lives with them.  I don't know the back story of why.  I don't ask either. 

 

An example of people don't think or say stuff when they shouldn't.  A long time ago, dh and I were traveling back to college.  We stopped at a highway rest stop/restaurant/gas station type of thing.  THe clerk decided to call us brother and sister.  I am not sure why but I guess she really couldn't understand that just because we both had reddish type of hair- his was strawberry blond and mine was reddish brown- we weren't related. I can't even remember whether we corrected her or just let it slide.  I do remember thinking she was strange because I believe we were holding hands as we were waiting in line to be served.

[Outdoorsy Type]

I had my children in my early twenties, and my oldest is tall. I am told all the time "you don't look old enough to be a mom". It feels like a judgement and I don't consider that a compliment.

[Liz CA]

Oh boy... and riding around on it likely made it worse.

[Janie Grace]

I had my children in my early twenties, and my oldest is tall. I am told all the time "you don't look old enough to be a mom". It feels like a judgement and I don't consider that a compliment.

 

I get this a lot too (married at 22, had kids starting a year later). I feel like I need to explain that I wasn't a teen mom (though I don't say this). And even if I was, who cares? The "you're too young to have a high school senior!" just feels like an awkward thing to respond to.

 

People also comment that they can't believe I've had 5 kids (because I'm not fat). That irritates me too, even though they are just being nice. I want to say that 1. Having babies (even, gasp, more than 2) does not consign women to a life of obesity and 2. I did not "earn" my slimness through the discipline they might assume. I have slim-person genes. So it just feels like they are complimenting something that really has no relation to my personhood or achievements. 

[Laurie4b]

Unless you are the daughter in that scenario.  :p

 

Not necessarily because you could have a much older sister in many families. I am the oldest by almost 11 years in my family. A couple more and I could conceivably be little sis's mom. 

[gardenmom5]

Not necessarily because you could have a much older sister in many families. I am the oldest by almost 11 years in my family. A couple more and I could conceivably be little sis's mom. 

 

my oldest was 22 when dudeling was born.  yes - she's his sister, but could have been his mother and not been a teen mom.

 

though one of the ped's nurses.  smh.  in with #4 for 12 months check.  still nursing.   she starts giving me detailed instructions on how to wean.  I admit having played dumb - but realized it was only making it worse. so, I spoke up and told her he was my fourth child and I knew perfectly well how to wean an infant.  "they're all yours?  I thought they were step-children"  :svengo:  

[SparklyUnicorn]

yikes

 

 

[MEmama]

People are always telling me that I don't look old enough to have an 18 year old. I always wonder what that exactly means. Do you think I was 14 when I had him? I was 22. Is it a compliment? I'm never sure what to say.

I get that too, except I was 30 when I had DS. We'd already been married for 8 years--how long were we supposed to wait?! Sheesh.

 

I really wonder what some people are thinking.

[ErinE]

Ugh.  How awful.

 

And I get it.  I am old enough to be my kids' grandma, and many times people would assume that's who I was, so I had to correct them. And they'd be mortified.  Once, at the orthodontist, the receptionist (a young man) asked me "are you grandma?  Or mom?"  I said "I'm mom" and he was horrified.  He said his mother would be so mad at him for that.  I said "just always assume it's mom.  If it is grandma, you've made her day, and if it's mom, you haven't mad her mad."    

 

People just don't think. They don't mean to be rude, but they just don't think. 

 

At their first meeting, DH was adored by my grandmother when he assumed she was my mother. I was actually pulled aside one year and told by my grandmother I would be disowned if I ever let DH go. Err on the younger side!

[kewb]

I was having a procedure done a few years ago. My friend brought me to outpatient facility. I am 4 years older. The nurse came in and said how nice it was that my daughter was there with me.

 

Sometimes people really don't think before they speak.

[EMPgirl]

Years ago I took my 17yo son to the ER, turns out he had pneumonia. The nurse referred to me as his girlfriend 😆. Poor kid.

Edited December 1, 2016 by EMPgirl

[Junie]

When I was in high school, it was my responsibility to take my younger brother to the local pool.  (I was about 17, he was 11.)  The pool was at a local hotel, so the people there were usually vacationers that we would only see once or twice.  My brother made friends quickly, so often had a new friend to introduce to me.  In the same week, one kid thought I was db's mom and another thought I was his girlfriend.  I was actually more offended that someone thought I was his girlfriend.   :lol:

 

 

Edited for spelling.

 

Edited December 2, 2016 by Junie

[gardenmom5]

Ok - here's one that does annoy me. I have brown hair, dh has dark brown hair, and our two middle boys both have brown hair. Littlest ds is blonde and oldest dd is blonde. I can't count how many times I've been asked, in relation to either littlest ds or dd, "Where did that blonde hair come from?" Depending on who is asking, I've actually said, "From the mail man!" Dh has made funny jokes about how often he works out of town. 

 

But, seriously, I always wonder what prompts people to ask? Do they want a long diatribe about how I was blonde when I was a little kid and my sister was actually blonde until she hit her twenties so there must be blonde genes somewhere? 

 

I think they're just trying to make conversation, and don't think through what they are actually saying.

 

I'm short. And I seem to have a lot of tall friends. When this happens to us, I always blame it on the height difference. It's always mortifying for all. Ugh.

 

"Are you sisters?" Or "how are you related?" really are nicer.

 

there's roughly three years between 1dd and 2dd.  they attended the same university, with 1dd a sr and 2dd a freshman.  1dd barely qualifies as "average" for height.  2dd is 5'11".  1dd is reserved, 2dd is outgoing. many times - people thought 2dd was older. 1dd was extremely annoyed by those things. 2dd once made 1dd a 'hat' that said "I'm the older sister". she wasn't happy.  

[StephanieZ]

I confess that I did that with someone and her older sister. I assumed it was her mother. I felt awful. You are right. Saying , "Are you two sisters?" has no downside. 

 

Except for if one of the "sisters" thinks the other "sister" is butt ugly. Then it has a down side. 

 

I suggest not doing that, either. LOL

[Stacia]

My sister is almost 5 years younger than me, but has usually been taken as the older one.

 

We had a huge laugh because years ago, we ate at an IHOP. She paid. When we were leaving, she realized that the cashier had given her the 'over 80yo' discount! (She was in her late 30s at the time.) :lol: We still joke about it sometimes.

 

People are just clueless. I don't take offense because most people speak before thinking (or looking). And I say that as someone who has been addressed as 'sir', then corrected to 'ma'am', then back to 'sir' again w/in about a minute by someone who could apparently not decide which I was. Whatever. Life's too short to get uptight about it.

[gardenmom5]

All of these are less cringeworthy than the time my Dad and I took my girls to the park, and a lady asked Dad 'where you and your wife adopted the children from ?' 

 

 

miss manners had a question along those lines.

 

the gentle reader was in the park with her 2yo daughter, and was pregnant.  strangers would come up to her and ask if she adopted her dd and was then able to get pg? . . . . did I mention her dh was asian?  I loved miss manners response.  something perfectly polite that will make the offender feel like an idiot.(they certainly said something totally idiotic)

 

cover the 2yos ears and say  "shhh, my husband things our daughter looks just like him"

[RioSamba]

I've been mistaken for our caboose baby's grandmother one time. I didn't like it, then I felt silly for caring.

[Isabella]

I confess that I did that with someone and her older sister. I assumed it was her mother. I felt awful. You are right. Saying , "Are you two sisters?" has no downside.

It does have a downside when the pair are actually mother and daughter!! One is thrilled and the other miffed. I did this with my dear old 87yo neighbour and her 60 something daughter. Both had white hair and neighbour seriously looks at least ten years younger than she is.