Ugh. Things to NEVER say!

[HS Mom in NC]

Some bio kids (child or adult) have serious, negative emotional issues about their parents because they were abused.  They live their lives trying to be as different as possible and pointing out physical similarities between them and their parents is emotionally grating.  Some people were told negative things about their appearance-commenting on their appearance is irritating. Sometimes dad is a philanderer and dumped mom for a younger woman-assuming dad and daughter are a couple can stir up lingering resentment. It's 2016-families are very complicated and plenty are fractured due to really unpleasant circumstances. If you need to fill silence because you're uncomfortable, I suggest the weather as a topic of conversation.

I know of someone who has one biological child (not her oldest) who is a product of rape. That kid doesn't look at all like the other bio kids fathered by her husband.  Imagine how they feel if someone asks, "Where did that insert color here hair or come from?" Sometimes people are insulated and isolated from the difficult realities other people live with and it shows up in their remarks.

Some adoptees have emotional issues related to being placed for adoption.  They don't want strangers coming up to them asking about adoption in front of them.  That doesn't just apply to adoptees who have negative emotions about it.  Imagine if people came up and said, "Are you a biological child?  You like your mom.  That's just wonderful!"  or "You're genetically related to your parents?  Isn't it just awful how some people have negative attitudes about bio kids these days?  Aren't you lucky your mother went to all the trouble and risk to her girlish figure to carry you for 9 months and then give birth to you.  I hope you appreciate it."  Ugh.  Stuff a sock in it, lady.  I just came her to pick up bread and milk, not to get into societal issues related to family building while I stand here in the check out line.
 

Or introducing the concept of abortion to an adoptee.  "Is she adopted from China? It's just awful how they abort all those baby girls over there!" Then the kid asks, "What's abort?" Well, kid, I was waiting until you were a little older because your bio mom lived in a society (S. Korea, not China) where she was under tremendous pressure to abort because single motherhood is socially devastating you but opted instead to place you for adoption in a different society to spare your life, but since you're 3 this is probably a confusing and scary conversation for you.  This also applies to the annoying, "Why do they place babies for international adoption in S. Korea?  Do they have a 1 child policy like China?" Well, let me fill you in on all that in front of my kid because satisfying your curiosity is clearly the greatest good in this situation, you narcissist. 

It's like my middle daughter's future MIL asking me at Thanksgiving Dinner in front of everyone, "So are you OK with them being engaged?"  Well, if the answer is yes (it is, but the way) we're fine, but if the answer is no then dinner is about to become really awkward and unpleasant for everyone involved, thanks for putting yourself and your curiosity above everyone else-some of us were getting uppity thinking the event and everyone's feelings mattered.