When should kids use a public restroom alone?

[pinkmint]

What do you say? Do you have a policy on when/ where/ what age/ circumstances under which a child can use a public restroom alone?

 

My 7 year old son in particular is starting to look like a big kid. We started co-op and he had to go number 2 and it's really hard for me to stand in the women's restroom with 2 small children waiting for the 3rd to have a BM.

 

Homeschool co-op is definitely not the same as say a mall, but I just don't know sometimes.

[Guest]

I let my kids use the bathroom by about five, but I try to send them in groups so I don't have to hang so close. With my son I will wait outside the door or keep an ear out because there is nobody else to go in with him but I don't stress too much, especially in a setting that is full of other children. If it is some place like a restaurant or shopping mall I hang a lot closer and do a lot more yelling in the door than if it is a co op or the little boys restroom at church.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Arctic Mama

[OneStepAtATime]

This entirely depends on the child, the location and the specific circumstances.  With a 7 year old in a co-op setting I don't see any reason he couldn't go to the restroom on his own (unless there were some sort of medical or mental health or neurological issue or you knew of some sort of bullying situation).

 

I have had a few bad experiences with the kids having to go to a restroom on their own between the ages of 5 and 9 but those were public places with lots of people.  In your situation I would let him try going in on his own.

[Ravin]

Part of it is location/context. Currently, I let DS go in a single-person restroom by himself, but if it's a large multi-stall restroom, I'll go in with him. I'll send his sister to take him to the restroom and she still takes him into the ladies, but I expect by the time he's your DS's age, I will send him in on his own. DD consistently went into restrooms by herself by the time she was 9 (right around the time I stopped using ladies' restrooms).

 

A big part of it is, when does the child want to do it on their own? If your DS would rather go by himself into the men's, I would let him, particularly at relatively controlled environments like co-op.

[Bluegoat]

I'd say it depends as well, but my ds6 started last year insisting that he could not go into the women's.  So, if I can, I let him use the mens.  It's really about whether I think he will have troubles that is the likely issue, since I can't go in to help him. as I think safety is actually more about my perception than reality.

[AMJ]

That's a hard question to answer.  It really depends upon the child, the restroom, and the situation.  I'm leery enough of certain public restrooms that I like to keep a close eye on my kids.  I have just two girls, but I have had nieces and nephews along with me at times.  I tend to not only bring all of the young kids in with me to the restroom, I will wait (unless a child is absolutely desperate) for a large, mobility-impaired stall and make them all go in there with me and take turns.  

 

Of course, my kids are old enough now I not only let them use a separate stall I even let them go to the restroom without me tagging along.  But I really don't recall when I switched strategies....

[Ravin]

The other reality is, if your 6 or 7 year old goes into the restroom and is in some sort of distress and needs your help, it's highly unlikely anyone is going to arrest you for going to their aid. It's far more likely any male in there or passing by will check to see if anyone is at the urinals for you if that concerns you. Most restrooms, you can yell from the door to check on them if they're taking a long time.

 

Although, I have yet to actually see any private parts in a men's restroom, other than my own kid's, and not even that after he got the hang of using the urinal and I can just stand back by the sinks and wait for him or do my own business.

[Farrar]

IIRC, I started encouraging my average, NT boys to go in alone in safe, well-known places around age 4. By age 6, unless there was an illness or some extenuating circumstance, I expected them to go in alone nearly everywhere. I tend to think unless there's some issue, that NT able-bodied kids should be able to go in alone at age 8 except in pretty dire situations - and I mean that apart from any gender concerns - just as a point of independence, I don't see any reason that kids can bathroom alone by that age (again, assuming they are neuro-typical and able-bodied).

[AK_Mom4]

With the exception of creepy rest area and mall bathrooms (where none of us go alone) both my boys went in alone starting around age 6. Oldest DD was the same or a little earlier, younger DD had some medical stuff that required help from someone until she was about 8.

[Arcadia]

The YMCA we used to go for swimming has a rule of 8 and under for boys to be in the ladies. However the same YMCA has a few family rooms so parents and kids could use those.

 

I don't have a policy but my boys tend to use the single family room at Target because it is usually cleaner than the guys restroom there.

My big size oldest went alone at 6, my small size youngest went alone at 8.

[lailasmum]

Totally depends. We've not really got any creepy public toilets but a lot have heavy fire door type double door at the entrance that my youngest (8) still struggles with due to being short and slight. If he can cope with that he goes on his own else he comes in the ladies with me.

[SKL]

Depends on the place and on the child.

 

In some places I sent my girls in as young as 2 or 3.

 

Are there some places where I'd hesitate to send a 7yo boy alone?  Sure.  A mall in a rough location.  An airport where English isn't the most common language.  But in a co-op bathroom?  Unless it is a very unusual co-op, a neurotypical child should be able to manage that alone.

 

In b&m school, they go alone as young as 4yo.  In preschool, even younger.  Rarely do I hear of serious incidents beyond playing too much with the water etc.

[Sherry in OH]

I started sending my older son into public restrooms on his own at about age 6.  My younger son was 5 when he started going to the men’s room with his older brother.    

[HomeAgain]

I started sending my older son into public restrooms on his own at about age 6.  My younger son was 5 when he started going to the men’s room with his older brother.    

 

This.  Depends on the place, but most we go to are well known to us and I don't follow him in/make him go with me.

[MEmama]

Agree it depends on the kid and location to some extent, but I'd think generally by around 5.

 

When DS first started going in alone, I told him if he had any issues to ask a dad for help (that is, a guy with kids with him). Of course he knew he could yell for me too. Mostly it was heavy doors that I was concerned about. I do recall asking other um...patrons?...if he was ok a couple of times when he seemed to take awhile. They always checked and assured me he was fine. I had several compliments on his hand washing skills. :)

[Rachel]

My 8 year old asked to stop going in the women's restroom around age 6. It depends on the situation as to whether or not I wait right outside the door for him (at a busy truck stop, yes; tiny mom & pop diner no). I have hollered into a men's restroom or two when I thought he was taking too long.

 

He once took his then 3 year old brother with him into a McDonalds bathroom and they had difficulty with the automatic sinks and hand washing, some random guy helped them out like it was no big deal.

 

My husband is uncomfortable taking our daughter into the men's room, so he has been sending her into the women's room for awhile. She's 6. When I'm with her there is rarely a reason for her to go by herself but I'm fine with it.

 

I think it really depends on the individual child and the location.

[Spryte]

For me, depends on where we are. We only have one boy to go in, so he's going alone. By 8, I'd stand outside the door. He'd usually check and let me know if someone else was in there.

 

We regularly go to large cities, amusement parks and other crowded places - for the most part I'm ok with hanging outside. He knows to use his street smarts and yell or get out if something is weird. We did once have an experience in a very busy train station... I was standing outside while he and a friend went in. Just before they came out, a man walked out with his pants down and all his parts hanging out. That stopped my heart, but DS and his friend were completely oblivious and never noticed a thing.

[slackermom]

Dd used the restroom stall at school basically on her own starting at age 3 (she started ps 6 weeks after turning 3), but a teacher stood at the main door to oversee all the kids during designated bathroom times. 

 

At our YMCA, there are separate locker rooms for kids , where kids up to age 6 are supervised by staff (if the kids are at the Y without their parents). Kids older than that are considered old enough to handle things on their own. That Y has 2 family changing rooms, plus 2 single room bathrooms, in addition to the 4 main locker rooms (girls/boys/women/men).

 

Out in public, say at Target, dd preferred to share a large stall until about age 9 or 10. At age 12, she usually feels fine on her own, but I will keep an eye on the bathroom if we are at a big mall food court or such. 

[teachermom2834]

I don't remember the age my boys started going alone but I would have them count loudly enough for me to hear them from outside. Any interruption in the counting and I would yell in to check on them.

 

Once at the zoo a man came out of the restroom while my boys were in there and said " that was a good idea. I knew there was a mama out here monitoring."

 

It is always a judgement call but that was a trick we used so that I could hear they were okay and any creep in there would hopefully not mess with them because mama was obviously right outside and ready to act 🙂

[AmandaVT]

I have an anxious kiddo, so he was close to 6 when he felt ready to go in to any public restroom  without me. At this point, he is fine going into most by himself. Single rooms are always fine. Certain stores with stalls are ok. DH is a lot more cautious than me due to his work experiences so there are still certain places we don't let him go in alone. The gym locker rooms, mall bathrooms, etc.

[SebastianCat]

My DS was around 6 when he started using the men's room on his own.  DH coached him to use a bathroom stall with a door rather than using a urinal.   Obviously in public places we tried to find a single restroom when possible, but sometimes it just wasn't possible.

 

When DS was 10 or 11, on a day that we had used the public restrooms at our zoo, a guy was arrested for attempting to molest a boy the same age as DS in the SAME bathroom we had used earlier that day.   The boy who was targeted yelled, ran out, told his mom right away, and some nearby patrons held the attempted molester until security arrived.   That incident hit very close to home, and although we had already had some conversations about what to do if the same thing ever happened to DS, it really cemented "what to do if this ever happens to you" in his mind.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

When they are comfortable with doing so.

 

 

[Tanaqui]

I would say that most - if not all - typically developing seven year olds are able to use the restroom by themselves in most situations. I reserve the right to say "Okay, that situation is unusual" as needed.

 

At any rate, unless your child is amazingly ill-behaved - peeking under doors and all - I wouldn't much *care* that they're in the ladies' room. At most I'll check to make sure I didn't go in the wrong room!

[poppy]

I let my six year old go to  the men's room alone in closed situations (like, say, a co-op, or  a kiddie play  space).  Mall, airport, amusement park, heck no.   Kid worried if he can't see me and I'm fine with "allowing" that at six.

I'd  let my eight year old go alone just about anywhere and that's how she wants it.

[Btervet]

At around 6 I started sending DS alone into the men's room. Though if there is a family restroom available we still use that. Some places that I just don't feel good about he still comes with me into the women's.

 

I'm much more nervous about him waiting for me outside the women's restroom. I have to take my 2yo into the women's, and my 6yo will wait outside - that makes me most nervous but we haven't had any problems yet.

[Janeway]

At a church coop, he should go by himself.

[Tess in the Burbs]

My son asked about age 7-8.  I let him go into the one at Target while I stood at the door.  Men didn't appreciate me standing there LOL.  But it was taking forever.  I finally called into the bathroom b/c people were coming and going and my kid was still in there!!!  I was a mess.  Come to find out there was a short line.  And he was letting the adults go ahead of him.  ugh.   However, I just went camping where two moms were bringing several boys into the restroom...I'm guessing ages 8-10.  They peed all over the walls and floor every time they were in there.  I didn't know what to say to encourage them to just block the men's room door while they sent their boys in there.   But these kids were too old to be in the women's bathroom, they didn't need mom's help.  

[Ravin]

 However, I just went camping where two moms were bringing several boys into the restroom...I'm guessing ages 8-10.  They peed all over the walls and floor every time they were in there.  I didn't know what to say to encourage them to just block the men's room door while they sent their boys in there.   But these kids were too old to be in the women's bathroom, they didn't need mom's help.  

 

It sounds like they need help learning how to pee in the actual toilet. There is no good reason for a healthy, neurotypical kid tall enough to reach the bowl to miss. If they can't manage it, they should be peeing sitting down. Their mother needs to teach them manners.

[mamaraby]

Around 5? I really can't remember exactly when we let ds go on his own, but I'd say 5 is probably the case since I let my youngest go on her own. When I'm grocery shopping (or at Target or whatever), I usually send all three together. Ds waits outside the door for the girls if he gets done first. The girls are in there together (obvs). We have more toubles with "please don't race through the grocery store to get back to me" than bathroom specific issues and I shop at a crazy busy grocery store.

[73349]

When I was sure he could open the door (WHY are public restroom doors so heavy??), refrain from crying and running away from self-flushing toilets and hand dryers, reach the soap, etc.

 

So it varied a lot by location. Most places he could do by around 6, IIRC. Swimming pools were still an issue because he couldn't get out of a wet swimsuit.

[Farrar]

The other thing is that I feel like kids (again, NT, able-bodied kids) by age 8 (and usually sooner) should also be able to wait alone outside - by the door, in the park, next to the car, at the restaurant, etc. - for a parent to use the bathroom and come back a minute later. I think that's the behavior that makes me more uncomfortable. Older, opposite gender kids, who clearly don't need to pee, have no discernible issues (and, yes, issues can be totally invisible, but still), hanging out in the "wrong" bathroom with nothing to do while the parent uses the facilities. I find that much more inappropriate and odd than a kid going in and using the bathroom for its intended purpose.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

My son asked about age 7-8. I let him go into the one at Target while I stood at the door. Men didn't appreciate me standing there LOL. But it was taking forever. I finally called into the bathroom b/c people were coming and going and my kid was still in there!!! I was a mess. Come to find out there was a short line. And he was letting the adults go ahead of him. ugh. However, I just went camping where two moms were bringing several boys into the restroom...I'm guessing ages 8-10. They peed all over the walls and floor every time they were in there. I didn't know what to say to encourage them to just block the men's room door while they sent their boys in there. But these kids were too old to be in the women's bathroom, they didn't need mom's help.

Why would she, or anyone, need to block the door to the men 's room?

Edited September 6, 2016 by ChocolateReignRemix

[Ravin]

Why would she, or anyone, need to block the door to the men 's room?

 

To humor her paranoia enough to get her to stop taking her boys into the ladies'?

[nd293]

Ds9 uses the men's room now if I am standing outside. But I wouldn't send any kid off to a public toilet unsupervised, girl or boy.

 

That sounds more dramatic than I mean it, perhaps. I'm not standing with my ear to the door, I just like to be in the vicinity.

[StartingOver]

Why would she, or anyone, need to block the door to the men 's room?

I still stand outside if my son is in the bathroom. I am not paranoid. I am a sexual abuse survivor, who wants my son to not be afraid and to learn to do things on his own. But I will be close enough to hurt someone if they try to hurt my boy. Everyone does their best, but we have our own experiences. 

[Guest]

To humor her paranoia enough to get her to stop taking her boys into the ladies'?

Hahaha!

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I still stand outside if my son is in the bathroom. I am not paranoid. I am a sexual abuse survivor, who wants my son to not be afraid and to learn to do things on his own. But I will be close enough to hurt someone if they try to hurt my boy. Everyone does their best, but we have our own experiences. 

 

Standing outside the door is normal behavior.

Not allowing someone else in a public restroom isn't. 

[happypamama]

Totally depends on the situation.  I'd let my 5yo use the bathroom by himself at co-op or other events with our group.  We have a strict policy about bathroom supervision for co-op events.

 

I'd let the 5yo use the bathroom by himself at the library as well, but it's a small place and not terribly crowded.  If it were crowded, I'd probably send one of his older brothers in with him.

 

I won't let the 5yo use the men's bathroom at places like WalMart by himself.  I'd rather not let the 7yo by himself either.  I either insist that they come in with me to the women's bathroom, or I send my 11yo son in with them.  I miiiiiight let the 5yo and 7yo go in together, but it's not my first choice.  I'll let the 11yo go in the men's room anywhere by himself, although often if he needs to go, so does the 7yo or 5yo.  (11yo has a good couple of years of hefty self defense training, so I feel like that gives him a little extra safety if need be.)  One of the best perks of having lots of boys has been that they can accompany each other to public restrooms.

 

DD, 14, of course, has been taking herself to the restroom for years, but I know there were a few years in there when DH would feel a little nervous when he took her places; she was too old to go in the men's room, but he wasn't quite comfortable with her going by herself in the women's room.  (And now, I pity the person who tries to mess with her; she's also well-trained in self defense and is used to disarming men larger than herself, and she's quite tough and strong.  Anyone who wanted to mess with her would really have to be persistent.)

 

I do live in an area with very low violent crime, so I don't know if that's a false sense of security or not.

[KarenNC]

Well, the NC legislature has decided for us that it is no later than their 7th birthday unless the child has a disability.

Edited September 7, 2016 by KarenNC

[nd293]

Well, the NC legislature has decided for us that it is no later than their 7th birthday unless the child has a disability.

Do people comply? Our leisure centre says boys over 5years can't use the ladies' toilets/change rooms. Given that there are only 3 'family room' most people just ignore that... Even parents who are very relaxed about security aren't likely to send a 6 year old to change in the men's change room, I think.

[mommyshanti]

I'm surprised there are so many young kids(4-6) going in alone. I have four myself and they come with me until about 8 in busy public places. Even then I like them to buddy up. I am from a big city and many things happened in restrooms so I def. don't think the paranoia comment is that funny. If it's a changing room situation like the pool we just come dressed and our gym has multiple family rooms. The other day at the pool my husband went in w boys to use br and a man was Shaving butt naked at the middle sink. ok be naked, change, no biggy but shaving? At a pool? And the middle sink? Just didnt sit right w me at all but some of us know all to well the type of people that are in this world and unfortunately it is not just paranoia to us. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

I'm surprised there are so many young kids(4-6) going in alone. I have four myself and they come with me until about 8 in busy public places. Even then I like them to buddy up. I am from a big city and many things happened in restrooms so I def. don't think the paranoia comment is that funny. If it's a changing room situation like the pool we just come dressed and our gym has multiple family rooms. The other day at the pool my husband went in w boys to use br and a man was Shaving butt naked at the middle sink. ok be naked, change, no biggy but shaving? At a pool? And the middle sink? Just didnt sit right w me at all but some of us know all to well the type of people that are in this world and unfortunately it is not just paranoia to us. 

 

"Things" rarely happen in busy, crowded restrooms.  Predators don't like a crowd.

[heartlikealion]

Definitely for me it's later than most people I think. Let's see, a few months back we were meeting up with people at a fast food place. Ds informed me on the way there that he had to use the restroom. He had just turned 8. I told him to go ahead and then after a min. or so of visiting I went to check on him. I normally take him into the women's room with me, but we needed to order food and greet people so I felt kind of torn. So I walk to where the line should be and see a man standing there waiting. I holler asking ds if everything is okay. I notice the door isn't completely closed (like not where you can see in, but not shut properly, either). It was one of those one person bathrooms. I thought oh crap, I leave the kid alone and the door isn't even shut. This man turns to me and informs me that he had walked in on my son. I didn't know what to say. I figured since he was admitting this to me, maybe it was a harmless accident. I later spoke to ds and I don't know if it's because I asked so he exaggerated or because it really happened, but he said that man opened the door on him and stared at him for a few seconds before closing the door. I was so upset at myself for worrying too much about what society thinks about when kids can be left alone and not listening to my gut which is that ds is not mature enough for lots of things. I felt awful. The worst part is the man asked if anyone was in there and ds said, "no" (lol) and then the man opened the door, anyway. So what if ds accidentally answered incorrectly, you don't open the door when someone is in there!!

 

So, just go with your gut. In a co-op situation you might feel more comfortable, depending on the company there. I went to the movies with ds recently and I made him go into the restroom with me because I had to go. It wasn't crowded in the bathroom, but the area has human trafficking issues so I don't care what people think. I'm taking my kid.

Edited September 7, 2016 by heartlikealion

[ChocolateReignRemix]

 

 

So, just go with your gut. In a co-op situation you might feel more comfortable, depending on the company there. I went to the movies with ds recently and I made him go into the restroom with me because I had to go. It wasn't crowded in the bathroom, but the area has human trafficking issues so I don't care what people think. I'm taking my kid.

 

Where do you live that supposedly has issues with human trafficking that would involve children abducted from theaters or restrooms?

[heartlikealion]

Where do you live that supposedly has issues with human trafficking that would involve children abducted from theaters or restrooms?

 

The first place was not the same city as the second. But it's not that the theater itself is necessarily the hot spot. It's just the area in general. Certain places become hubs because of the interstate structure where north/south meets east/west or such. There are articles online stating the problem, there have been notices in my church bulletin... I know there are problems here whether you take it seriously or not.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

The first place was not the same city as the second. But it's not that the theater itself is necessarily the hot spot. It's just the area in general. Certain places become hubs because of the interstate structure where north/south meets east/west or such. There are articles online stating the problem, there have been notices in my church bulletin... I know there are problems here whether you take it seriously or not.

 

If you are in the U.S., I don't.  That isn't how human trafficking works here.

[heartlikealion]

If you are in the U.S., I don't.  That isn't how human trafficking works here.

 

you know how every single child is abducted? Ok. Good to know.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

you know how every single child is abducted? Ok. Good to know.

 

I don't.  The FBI and law enforcement does.  I suggest you look up the statistics on child abductions to help alleviate your fears.

Human trafficking involving U.S. minors is not done via stranger abduction, as the level of law enforcement attention placed on stranger abductions is immense.

[heartlikealion]

I don't.  The FBI and law enforcement does.  I suggest you look up the statistics on child abductions to help alleviate your fears.

Human trafficking involving U.S. minors is not done via stranger abduction, as the level of law enforcement attention placed on stranger abductions is immense.

 

I sent you a PM. I'm not saying I know the stats on the particular circumstances surrounding the average abduction. I'm just saying that I know certain areas we go are not the safest cities and based on my child's recent eval it sounds like he isn't NT.

[LucyStoner]

My guideline was, assuming the child is willing, yes to single occumpancy bathrooms and single point of entry and exit bathrooms in familiar, comfortable, fairly uncrowded places at a fairly young age. 4-7ish depending on the child.

 

We held off on stadium, airport or large restrooms in unfamiliar or crowded places until our older son was a bit older. Like closer to 10. Those sorts of places tend to have a few single locking door options though or are places we are more likely to be with their dad there to go in with them. My hesitation in those situations was not fear of child abduction, but out of consideration for our sons' particular needs. Both had/have the potential to get lost/wander off or become quite scared/overwhelmed. Both of my sons have high functioning ASD. My 7 year old goes WITH his brother more of the time, he's not wild on going in alone unless it's a really familiar place.

Edited September 7, 2016 by LucyStoner