How much of an age difference is too much?

[DawnM]

Just curious your thoughts on this.

 

Is it really "well, if he/she is over 18, anything goes?" If it is YOUR 18 year old dating a 45 year old or even older, does that change your feelings?

 

Just curious of your thoughts on this.

 

Tony Randall's wife was 50 years his junior. I admit my reaction was "yuck."

 

Dick Van Dyke's wife is over 40 years his junior.

 

I am sure there are older women who have married much younger guys, but I can't think of them right now.

 

Would it bother you if your own parent married someone younger than you are?

 

I have been mulling this over because of a friend of the family who married someone of a great age difference.

[Guest]

20-ish years is my upper limit, because of complete generational differences. That applies more on the higher end of the spectrum (40-60 year olds). When you're talking a very young adult I like 10-15 years better.

 

But if even my own sweet husband was much older we would have had a harder time connecting on a lot of little daily things, because we have a nine year gap and I married him right before I turned 20. We are just on the outer bounds of cultural references and experience with one another and you'd be surprised how often that can impact worldview and even daily conversations.

[The Girls' Mom]

My step-dad dated (after my mother passed away) a girl that I was friends with during our childhood.  I found that icky.  But mostly because we were kids together, and he used to be friends with her dad.  They didn't date long though.  

I guess it just depends on the circumstances.  If everyone is an adult, I don't have the whole pedophile vibe no matter the age difference.  

 

There is a local couple who has a HUGE age difference.  He is 18, she is 71.  I do feel weird about that, but I don't really have a good reason why.  They seem happy enough.  

[JFSinIL]

In grad school there was one library science student who was engaged to a man four decades older than her.  Far as I know it worked out.  I am currently reading Van Dykes book, and just got to the part where he meets his current wife. 

[The Girls' Mom]

 

But if even my own sweet husband was much older we would have had a harder time connecting on a lot of little daily things, because we have a nine year gap and I married him right before I turned 20. We are just on the outer bounds of cultural references and experience with one another and you'd be surprised how often that can impact worldview and even daily conversations.

My dh and I still have that conflict, although he is only 2 years older.  We were raised by parents that were nearly ten years different in age (my parents were young), and just had very different lives growing up.  It makes it seem like he is from an entirely different generation than I am, even though it is really just family culture at play.

[MercyA]

Is it really "well, if he/she is over 18, anything goes?" If it is YOUR 18 year old dating a 45 year old or even older, does that change your feelings?

 

I don't think there's anything morally wrong with large age differences (assuming both parties are adults), but for my own daughter, I'd start feeling uncomfortable if there was more than a 10- or 15- year difference. 

I am sure there are older women who have married much younger guys, but I can't think of them right now.

 

Naveen Andrews (from Lost) dated Barbara Hershey for 12 years; there was a 21-year age difference. That's all I've got.  :)

[Outdoorsy Type]

I know there isn't anything wrong with it, but it feels weird when the older person in the relationship has kids or grandkids the same age as their partner.

[Farrar]

I think it matters less and less as people age. A five year age difference feels like a lot when you're 20. It's nothing at all when you're 40. Presumably by the time you're 80 it matters even less.

 

Given life expectancy, it would sort of make sense for older women to date younger men, but the reverse is obviously more common. My celebrity exception is the obvious one - Demi Moore and Aston Kutcher, though they're no longer together IIRC. 

[gardenmom5]

Old enough to be their parent is too much for me. Old enough to be their grandparent even worse. Feels like they want the delusion they're still young ( nothing to do with activity level.).

[DawnM]

Naveen Andrews (from Lost) dated Barbara Hershey for 12 years; there was a 21-year age difference. That's all I've got.  :)

I have liked him since The English Patient!

 

Oh, and Susan Sarandon and Jonathan Bricklan, he is 31 years younger!

Edited September 1, 2016 by DawnM

[LucyStoner]

The "rule" my friend Shannon likes to reference is half one's age plus seven as being the youngest person one can date.  So 50 and 32, 80 and 47, 22 and 18, 62 and 38, 16 and 15 are all "fine" by her metric but 40 and 18 or 75 and 25 or 18 and 14 squiks her out.  That says, she freely admits that as long as everyone is legal, she doesn't have any special right to demand other people's relationships not squick her out.  

Edited September 1, 2016 by LucyStoner

[bettyandbob]

Initially it might feel icky, but it only stays icky in my mind if there appears a power imbalance in the couple. But a power imbalance can be present with not age gap.

 

For example, I know a couple which had a very inauspicious start for reasons other than age gap, but they do have a large age gap with the woman being younger. Because the woman was very young and had mental health issues and some other problems that made her very vulnerable.

[SparklyUnicorn]

To each their own.  I personally would not want to date someone that much older or younger, but what other people do that's their business.

 

 

[AimeeM]

My husband is 15 years my senior. More than any real age-related differences, there are cultural and other differences regarding how and where we were raised and I would say that those differences come into play much more than do any differences related to age. 

[ktgrok]

And age starts to matter again when you hit the senior years. A 50 year old woman may have a very different activity level and lifestyle than a 70 year old man. So yeah, I think it still matters. I've known of younger women who did end up resenting the slow down of their husbands, who started thinking retirement, slow down, etc at a time the wife still wanted more children or whatever. 

 

 

[lmrich]

My college roommate dated a guy 20 years older. He was so immature! It was strange. 

 

That being said...being compatible is important and, in some relationships, age will be a factor. Of course, so does upbringing, religion, and education, etc...

[EmilyGF]

I always hear people talk about double-your-age-minus-seven.

 

So, for an 18-year-old: 18*2 - 7 = 29. For a 35-year-old: 35*2 - 7 = 63. 

 

Seems on the reasonable end to me. 

 

At 27, my friend married a man 20 years older than her (the edge of the acceptable range). They've been married 12 years or so now. You can see their age difference more, though both are very healthy. He'll be retirement age in a few years, though, and their youngest is 4. 

Emily

[bettyandbob]

I always hear people talk about double-your-age-minus-seven.

 

So, for an 18-year-old: 18*2 - 7 = 29. For a 35-year-old: 35*2 - 7 = 63.

 

Seems on the reasonable end to me.

 

At 27, my friend married a man 20 years older than her (the edge of the acceptable range). They've been married 12 years or so now. You can see their age difference more, though both are very healthy. He'll be retirement age in a few years, though, and their youngest is 4.

Emily

Your formula gives a much bigger age gap than I've heard. The one I've heard has the same nimbers but it's all in order of operations.

 

(X/2) + 7 = age of younger person

X being the age of older person

 

Or

(Y - 7)*2 = age of older person

Y being the age of the younger person

 

So ages that work include

40, 27

50, 32

30, 22

35, 24

 

Whatever formula, I still think the big issue is power. With a big gap there can be a power/control issue.

[Scarlett]

I know a young man age 23 who married a woman age 45.  I don't think it is 'wrong'....just very odd and screams mommy issues.  And in fact, he has a terrible mother....she is a drug addict and has neglected her children horribly.  But this couple seems very happy and so whatever floats their boat.

 

Generally I think 15 years is the max for me.   As my friend has always said.....more than 15 years and you can't even enjoy the same music.

[meena]

I think it matters less and less as people age. A five year age difference feels like a lot when you're 20. It's nothing at all when you're 40. Presumably by the time you're 80 it matters even less.

 

Given life expectancy, it would sort of make sense for older women to date younger men, but the reverse is obviously more common. My celebrity exception is the obvious one - Demi Moore and Aston Kutcher, though they're no longer together IIRC.

I partially disagree with your first statement, mostly based on experiences within my family. I have three close relatives who married someone with 10-13 years age difference. The younger spouses were all raised by older parents or grandparents, and were fairly mature in personality. The older spouses were looking to start/re-start a family so had compatible life expectations with the younger spouses at the time of marriage. The marriages started off well, with children being born into each family after a few years. As each of these marriages went on, though, the age differences put them at odds in their stages of life. The older ones were dealing with midlife crises, health concerns, and dying parents all while juggling working and younger children, while the younger spouses were in their prime. As the children grew up, all three couples had a hard time maintaining a connection and were eventually divorced.

 

All that to say, I think there are age differences and times of life that, combined, can keep a couple out of sync enough to wreck their relationship.

[Junie]

I think if one person is old enough to be the other's parent is too much of an age difference.

 

Sometimes even less can make for some interesting dynamics.  My father was 13 years older than my mother.  They divorced.  Years later he married a woman a year older than himself.  So, my stepmother and my mother were 14 years apart.  Stepmother had had her first baby when she was only 15.  So, my step-brother and my mother are only one year apart.  My step-brother has kids my age.  Ick.

[gardenmom5]

 

Generally I think 15 years is the max for me.   As my friend has always said.....more than 15 years and you can't even enjoy the same music.

 

yeah.  dh loves 60's classic rock . . . me, give me baroque. . . . .

[Excelsior! Academy]

My step-dad dated (after my mother passed away) a girl that I was friends with during our childhood.  I found that icky.  But mostly because we were kids together, and he used to be friends with her dad.  They didn't date long though.  

 

I guess it just depends on the circumstances.  If everyone is an adult, I don't have the whole pedophile vibe no matter the age difference.  

 

There is a local couple who has a HUGE age difference.  He is 18, she is 71.  I do feel weird about that, but I don't really have a good reason why.  They seem happy enough.  

 

I agree with the adult sentiment.  Although 18 is legally an adult, it is such an arbitrary age.  I know 18 year olds that are mentally and physically not fully developed.  So, 18, can still have a pedophile-ish vibe, imo.

 

 

The "rule" my friend Shannon likes to reference is half one's age plus seven as being the youngest person one can date.  So 50 and 32, 80 and 47, 22 and 18, 62 and 38, 16 and 15 are all "fine" by her metric but 40 and 18 or 75 and 25 or 18 and 14 squiks her out.  That says, she freely admits that as long as everyone is legal, she doesn't have any special right to demand other people's relationships not squick her out.  

 

 

*I* like this much better!!

[MotherGoose]

People need to think about what their life will be. If you marry a 50 year old when you are 20, that might be fine. But how are you going to feel about being married to a 70 year old when you are 40? You'd like to go hike mountains, but his knees won't cooperate. You'd like to engage in TeA but he has issues. Just putting the reality out there. I know love conquers all etc.

[Bluegoat]

I don't think I really have a rule.  It doesn't bother me, I think there are things that can make a difference that can be more significant, but also it's best to realize there will be age related questions.

 

I dated a man who was 46 when I was 23, so I guess the aesthetics of it don't really factor in for me.

 

But I know of a few instances where it seemed to work well.  My great-grandparents had a 30+ year age difference, and I had a pair of married profs at university with a 20+ difference, she was his student. 

Edited September 2, 2016 by Bluegoat

[8circles]

My MIL married a man not old enough to be DH's father.  In theory, it squicks me out.  Knowing them, not squicky.

[Guest]

I think it depends a little bit, at least, and maybe a lot bit, on what the two people want out of the relationship.  My dh is 4 years older than I, and even with this relatively minor age spread, I notice differences in our reflections on what was going on in our childhood and how the current events of that time affected us and how we responded to them (which made us the people we are).

 

A family member of ours married a woman 15 years older than he, and she did him a world of good...and he did, her, too...but it was much more on the lines of a parent/child relationship than an equal-equal relationship.  Even his own mother said that she knew right off that the wife would be a mother figure...and that this particular son always DID take a lot of mothering.  She was OK with it.  The thing is, however, over time that relationship wore a bit thin, and the family member wanted more of an equal-equal relationship, but that was very hard to express, let alone accomplish.  The wife died in her sleep (unanticipated) and this family member has never married again.  

 

That's my up-close example of a pretty big age difference, and what I saw from it.  Overall, they were both pretty happy, at least for the first 20 years...because they knew that it was a unique arrangement that they both wanted.  

[Guest]

Initially it might feel icky, but it only stays icky in my mind if there appears a power imbalance in the couple. But a power imbalance can be present with not age gap.

 

For example, I know a couple which had a very inauspicious start for reasons other than age gap, but they do have a large age gap with the woman being younger. Because the woman was very young and had mental health issues and some other problems that made her very vulnerable.

You made a great point - when it feels predatory or highly imbalanced it bothers me much, much more (like slightly demented elderly individual wedding a healthy, driven, social climbing 20-something or a middle aged individual marrying a much younger, emotionally vulnerable or unstable individual).

[Tap]

There was 17 years age difference between my parents.

 

My parents were 30yo and 47 when I was born. My dad had 3 kids prior to me. 1 was a daughter from his 1st marriage, who was a few years younger than my mom..  He was also a grandfather before I was born.  My dad wasn't a father in the typical sense, he was a grandfather to me.  

 

In the middle years, it wasn't too big of a deal.  As they got older, my dads age really started to show and it caused major issues in their marriage.  

 

My dad was retired and my mom still had almost 20 years of work left.  He was bored and she was tired.  It made for a bad combination. He took a part time job, but even then, it wasn't the same. He was wanting to do some traveling like his peers and mom still needed to pay the bills. 

 

When I see relationships that span generations, it makes me sad to think that they may end up like my parents. I do think that wealth alleviates part of this stress, especially the retired vs working part, but I am sure that it also brings on its own. 

 

Edited September 2, 2016 by Tap

[J-rap]

My first thought is that it feels weird, but really, it all depends on the couple.  I have a cousin about my age who married a man about my father's age.  They are very, very happy together, and have been married for many years now.  They seem like a perfect couple to me.  They are reaching the stage though now where he is an elderly man and she is just middle age.  He is really slowing down, a lot, and she hasn't even retired yet.  But I think they have prepared themselves for this all along and it doesn't feel so strange for them.

 

Does anyone remember the Northern Exposure TV series with the elderly man and his young wife who was supposedly 40 years younger than him?  They were pretty funny!

[1GirlTwinBoys]

An 18 year old with a 40 something year old is icky.  To me that's just wrong and the older person is being ridiculous.  I don't care if that offends anyone either because it's my opinion.  My DD will be 18 in five years and a 40 something year old man better not even think about trying to pull something like that. :glare:   

[bolt.]

The "half your age, plus seven" formula seems to yeild an non-icky age gap that accounts for the way a wider gap seems more ok if both people are not so young.

 

It also seems to be a good guideline for young adults and slightly older young adults to find good boundaries.

 

(It works for 47 and 30! Neat.)

Edited September 2, 2016 by bolt.

[mamiof5]

Don't know. 10-15 yrs maybe? De pending on each person, but also what stage in life they are in. Our 20yr old dating a 30-35 yr old? No way. But, if she's 30 and happens to find the love of her life who's 40...maybe? It just depends.

[Guest]

My aunt married a man about the same age as her parents. She had a heck of a time when all three needed elder-care at the same time.

[Epicurean]

Mr. Knightly was 17 years older than Emma. If loving Mr. Knightly is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Epicurean

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

There was 17 years age difference between my parents.

 

My parents were 30yo and 47 when I was born. My dad had 3 kids prior to me. 1 was a daughter from his 1st marriage, who was a few years younger than my mom..  He was also a grandfather before I was born.  My dad wasn't a father in the typical sense, he was a grandfather to me.  

 

In the middle years, it wasn't too big of a deal.  As they got older, my dads age really started to show and it caused major issues in their marriage.  

 

My dad was retired and my mom still had almost 20 years of work left.  He was bored and she was tired.  It made for a bad combination. He took a part time job, but even then, it wasn't the same. He was wanting to do some traveling like his peers and mom still needed to pay the bills. 

 

When I see relationships that span generations, it makes me sad to think that they may end up like my parents. I do think that wealth alleviates part of this stress, especially the retired vs working part, but I am sure that it also brings on its own. 

 

 

My DH and I are 17 years apart, and I can see this being an issue in the future.  Luckily, I probably will never "need" to work, even once DH retires, but I do *hope* to go on to something once the kids are all done with homeschooling.  So right about when I hope to actively embrace going back to school myself and start something new, DH will be in retirement mode.  It will be interesting, that's for sure!  

 

The differences seemed minimal at first, I was beginning the "prime of my life" and he was solidly in his prime, but as his energy level slows a bit and the weight of years and decades of work start to show, while I'm still in my prime and we've got a bunch of little kids... yeah, it's harder than I anticipated.  I wouldn't change anything now obviously, I love my life, but I might consider counseling other young women to seriously consider the long-term.  

[kiwik]

My father's current partner (of nearly 10 years) is considerably younger than me (about 35 years younger than him). Problem is now she wants children. He is 68 and has too many children already.

[DawnM]

One reason I am asking is because a friend just married someone 27 years younger.  She is 50.  He is 23.  Her own son is 22.  

[bettyandbob]

One reason I am asking is because a friend just married someone 27 years younger. She is 50. He is 23. Her own son is 22.

I presume you are not actually saying anything.

 

This is something I'd have trouble understanding, but not say anything. I am 50. A lot of my co-workers are early-mid 20s. I am in a completely different stage of my life. When there is an official work social gathering I participate and have fun, but I don't try to join anyone from work outside of that. We are friendly and have good informal social interaction about all kinds of things while at work. If I were 20 years younger I would get invited to do X or I might invite myself to tag along to do X. But since I am in a completely different stage of life and in a different generation such effort at the next step in relationships would feel awkward and forced.

 

With my own personal experience I would feel strange if my friend had a SO who was so much younger. But I'd still want to be friends unless I noted something else in the relationship. So I wouldn't so anything and be happy she was happy.

[MotherGoose]

One reason I am asking is because a friend just married someone 27 years younger. She is 50. He is 23. Her own son is 22.

I'm 41, and I cannot fathom marrying a 23 year old man. Maybe having a good time with one for a bit, but not marriage. I could barely tolerate them when I was 23! I think of the crazy things DH did when he was 23 and I was 21 (and lots of it was fun to me then) but no way I could deal with that now. To each his own, of course. I wouldn't say anything to your friend, especially now that she's married. But it doesn't seem like a recipe for happiness to me. Hope I'm wrong.

[DawnM]

I presume you are not actually saying anything.

 

This is something I'd have trouble understanding, but not say anything. I am 50. A lot of my co-workers are early-mid 20s. I am in a completely different stage of my life. When there is an official work social gathering I participate and have fun, but I don't try to join anyone from work outside of that. We are friendly and have good informal social interaction about all kinds of things while at work. If I were 20 years younger I would get invited to do X or I might invite myself to tag along to do X. But since I am in a completely different stage of life and in a different generation such effort at the next step in relationships would feel awkward and forced.

 

With my own personal experience I would feel strange if my friend had a SO who was so much younger. But I'd still want to be friends unless I noted something else in the relationship. So I wouldn't so anything and be happy she was happy.

 

Oh good lord, no, I am not saying a word to them.  I was just taken aback when I found out.

 

My 20 something coworkers are also at a completely different stage in life. 

 

I have wondered if it will bother this guy later that he didn't get the chance to have his own children and raise them. 

 

I believe there may be some other issues going on, but it is pure speculation at this point based on some info I gathered online.  It is too specific to put on the message board but I in vague terms, I believe he may have had a difficult upbringing and she was counseling him, not as a licensed official counselor, but as an adult in a helping role.

[DawnM]

I'm 41, and I cannot fathom marrying a 23 year old man. Maybe having a good time with one for a bit, but not marriage. I could barely tolerate them when I was 23! I think of the crazy things DH did when he was 23 and I was 21 (and lots of it was fun to me then) but no way I could deal with that now. To each his own, of course. I wouldn't say anything to your friend, especially now that she's married. But it doesn't seem like a recipe for happiness to me. Hope I'm wrong.

 

I know.  I feel the same way.  I am actually worried that it will not last at some point when it isn't

"fun" anymore.

[almondbutterandjelly]

Well, I was 25 when I married my husband who was 40 at the time.  We've been married 18 years and have a daughter, who my husband is currently teaching to drive.  I think these age things really are so dependent on the personality and compatibility of the people involved.  We're going strong, and although he is now almost 58 and I am 43, it's not a problem.  He's the energizer bunny and I'm the one that sits on the recliner and watches TV.  He does talk about retirement, but he knows he can't do that until our daughter is through college.  Then perhaps we'll travel or something.  Maybe enjoy some grandchildren :)  

 

I do have to say, from a maturity standpoint, that I believe it is much easier for a 25 year old woman to be with a 40 year old man, than vice versa.  I mean, when I was 25, it was hard to find guys my age that had full time jobs and life goals.  Seriously.  I am totally glad I married someone mature. :) And he's still the finest person I've ever met in my whole life.

 

 

[lynn]

it depends on the personality.  My friends dh is 11 years older and does not want to do anything anymore.  My sister is full of life and adventurous so there is some conflict.

[Seasider]

So many variables. Generally speaking, my opinion is that the younger the couple is, the smaller the gap should be. An eighteen year old may be pushing it to go 10 years out. But mature adults over age 40 have more similar life experiences (previous marriage, children, high power career, have been homeowners, that sort of thing), even if the previous experiences weren't shared. I think that personally my icky sensors trip when I see a couple that has an age gap that not only means one could have been a biological parent to another, but when the older person of the couple actually serves in the capacity of parent to the younger one, by allowing the younger one to enjoy all the benefits of the partnership while taking no responsibilities. Am I making sense? Of course each person brings different strengths and contributions to a relationship, but too big a difference and it's not a healthy partnership.

 

But that's just my point of view. As a parent of young adults, I would be concerned at large age gaps.

[Seasider]

yeah. dh loves 60's classic rock . . . me, give me baroque. . . . .

lol that's one heck of an "age" difference!

[Seasider]

Mr. Knightly was 17 years older than Emma. If loving Mr. Knightly is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Patty Joanna brings up a good point with eldercare issues. Emma and Knightly had an entire household staff to help with that.

Edited September 2, 2016 by Seasider

[Scarlett]

One reason I am asking is because a friend just married someone 27 years younger.  She is 50.  He is 23.  Her own son is 22.  

 

 

I think I know that couple.  Seriously.  That is the same set up as the couple I know.  

[KrissiK]

As was mentioned previously, I think it would be more problematic as a couple ages. A younger woman in good health may be very unhappy with an older man whose health is declining. Although that doesn't always have to do with age difference. My own parents are only 2 years apart in age and my mother is in very good health, but my dad isn't and it has really put a damper on their ability to enjoy life, travel, etc. I think that would be more the case, too, if you had a 65-70 year old woman married to an 80 year old man.

Edited September 2, 2016 by KrissiK

[Scarlett]

Oh good lord, no, I am not saying a word to them.  I was just taken aback when I found out.

 

My 20 something coworkers are also at a completely different stage in life. 

 

I have wondered if it will bother this guy later that he didn't get the chance to have his own children and raise them. 

 

I believe there may be some other issues going on, but it is pure speculation at this point based on some info I gathered online.  It is too specific to put on the message board but I in vague terms, I believe he may have had a difficult upbringing and she was counseling him, not as a licensed official counselor, but as an adult in a helping role.

 

 

Same with the couple I know.