Child Tells Everyone We Don't Do School

[MrsWeasley]

I feel really embarrassed about my kid telling everyone we don't do school. She's nine years old. Whenever anyone asks her what she's learning in school, what her favorite subject is, etc..., she answers, "Oh, we don't do that." It's summer, so our school is lighter, but we are still doing a few hours of school each day, more than half of that looking very schooly (Writing with Ease, All About Spelling, Beast Academy, etc...). She often resists doing her schoolwork, so I don't really want to add more schoolwork, especially during the summer. I've talked to her repeatedly about this, pointing out how the public school kids don't even do school this time a year, all the stuff we are continuing to do during the summer, etc... and she still does this. I worry someone is going to report me for educational neglect. (There is almost no oversight for homeschooling here: I don't even have to register, but in a couple counties over, there have been issues with homeschooled kids being declared truant.) How do I handle this? Or should I just shrug this off?

[mysticmomma]

Shrug it off. To me it's like an 8 year old saying she's in 8th grade. Do you keep a sampling of her work at all? If not, maybe it would make you feel better to do so. You'd have "proof" if anyone ever came knocking.

[OneStepAtATime]

I guess you could respond with a smile to the person she told and say "Actually, we do a lot of academically based learning but my child loves it so much she doesn't see it as school."  :)

 

Have you asked her why she says this?  Not in a defensive, "boy you keep making the same mistake", way, but simply start a conversation.  Ask her what she thinks people mean when they ask about school.  And what she means when she says she doesn't do school.  Don't correct her or try to change her response.  Just let her share her thoughts.  Talk with her.  Maybe the two of you can come to an understanding.

[Tanaqui]

Shrug it off. I assume you have *some* sort of evidence that learning is occurring in your household - if nothing else, she could surely pass a grade-level standardized test if the extremely unlikely happened and you got investigated.

[Arcadia]

If you are worried about someone or even your kids dad giving you grief about educational neglect, maybe pay for your 9 year old to take an online standardized test just to have results on hand.

 

Technically she doesn't "do school" unless you are with a charter, or using a boxed curriculum/school at home style of homeschooling. My kids would have told people they don't do school either. It is just how kids see things.

[EKS]

I would tell her that you as a homeschooling parent are legally required to "do school" and that when she tells people that you don't, it could get you in trouble.  Seriously.

[MrsWeasley]

Thanks everyone! 

 

Edited June 23, 2016 by MrsWeasley

[MerryAtHope]

My oldest used to say things like this (as in, it was a school day, we'd be at a dentist appointment & he'd say we hadn't done any school that day. The dentist would raise eyebrows in alarm and look at me--and I'd say, actually we did math, history, and reading before we came to the appointment, and my son would be like, "oh, yeah...") Sometimes with the way people say things, it really doesn't sound to the child like what they do, so they think they don't do school. Sometimes certain things are not "schoolish" to a child. My oldest also used to say he "hated" school. But when I ran through all of our subjects--"do you hate history?" "NO!" "What about the book we're reading aloud?" "What about your reading book?..." and so on, he really only hated "math." So for him, sometimes "school" equaled "math."

 

My youngest, on the other hand, LOVED to tell people that she didn't go to school, just to get a rise out of them. Adults caught on quickly that she homeschooled, but she'd have kids going for awhile. 

 

Anyway... I wouldn't feel that you must defend yourself to others, but I might find out what she means when she says it, and why she thinks that. Then it would be easier for you to respond if you needed to.

[Tanaqui]

I would tell her that you as a homeschooling parent are legally required to "do school" and that when she tells people that you don't, it could get you in trouble.  Seriously.

 

I've used that line too, though more in reference to the girls walking around in public holding my hand and then suddenly screaming "Help, let go of me, she kidnapped me!" or similar things. That is also a valid approach if you're legitimately concerned about what others think.

[Starr]

"We don't do school"; "What grade are you in?" Answered with a stare and a look at mom for help - well into high school; considering a trip to the library a fun outing even when picking out books for history, science or lit; the list goes on. :D  Find your rebuttal lines and a sense of humor. 

[SilverMoon]

One of mine pulled that one too. My favorite was my teen girl at around 8. We had one of those busybodies who spazzed at the word homeschool and started asking all sorts of random, rather silly questions. "How can you even do science on your own. Do you do science??" DD (who adored nature science and astronomy but didn't have a book that said SCIENCE across the front) shook her head and said she didn't know what science was. Busybody's eyes about popped out of her head.

[OnMyOwn]

Since this is a regular occurrence, I agree with asking her to alter her response.  

 

I remember my son doing that once when he was in first grade.  A cashier asked him why he wasn't in school and he said he didn't go to school.  I said we homeschooled.  Then, she asked him something else and he told her he only did school on Fridays, which is the day we went to coop.  (Believe me, we did school every day.  If anything, I tend to go overboard with it.)  She looked at me in amazement and said she didn't think it would be possible to accomplish everything that should be done in only one day a week.  I explained but it was a little uncomfortable for me.   :001_smile:

 

Oh, and my kids finally know what grades they are in (11th and 9th)!  It took quite a few embarrassing moments for me to clue into the fact that they needed to know their grades.  It's just not something we ever really discussed or that ever came up, except among strangers or doctors.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

My favorite is my son's response to what grade are you in questions:  "For which subject?" since he's all over the academic map, his books all have different grade levels.  LOL.

 

To the OP, yes, she is old enough for you to explain why it's not a great answer to the question.  

[HomeAgain]

Ah, one of my favorite memories is a close family friend (who had seen tons of pics of what we do all year) ask my youngest if he liked doing school at home.  His face was almost horrified.  "I don't do school!"

 

[EKT]

Shrug it off! My sister's kids are in public school and most days when they come home and she asks, "What did you do in school today?!" They respond with, "Nothing!" (But of course, they did stuff all day long.) I think this sort of response is an oblivious kid thing, not a reflection of your homeschooling. :-) 

[lllll]

nm

Edited July 4, 2016 by ~ d9n

[SkateLeft]

Each year, I used to have coach my kids on how to answer a few questions. :D

 

"If someone asks what grade you're in, you're in 6th, you're in 4th, and you're in 1st..."

 

"If someone asks where you go to school, don't tell them you don't go to school! Tell them you do school at home."

 

"If someone asks what you do for school, don't say we don't do school. Say 'lots of things.'"

 

I still have to remind my youngest of this each year. Just last week, he asked me what grade he was in, because someone asked him at VBS and he said, "I don't know." *sigh*

 

[theelfqueen]

One of mine pulled that one too. My favorite was my teen girl at around 8. We had one of those busybodies who spazzed at the word homeschool and started asking all sorts of random, rather silly questions. "How can you even do science on your own. Do you do science??" DD (who adored nature science and astronomy but didn't have a book that said SCIENCE across the front) shook her head and said she didn't know what science was. Busybody's eyes about popped out of her head.

 

I kind of want to teach my kids to respond to something like that with a quotation of the Walrus and Carpenter.

[Bambam]

My oldest used to love to tell people she didn't go to school. She'd wait for the reaction, and then, maybe, she'd tell them she was homeschooled. I think she enjoyed the reaction.

I told her to stop that. She could tell people she didn't go to school but she had to then immediately them she was homeschooled-not wait several minutes watching them figure out how to handle that statement.

 

She seriously upset a few older folks at Walmart, the grocery store, etc. She thought it was amusing. 

 

[...................]

My dd is just sick of being asked....she is like "Oh boy here we go again...." She knows the drill and knows what to say to appease them all.

 

But once in a while her naughty side kicks in and she will just say something completely off the wall 

 

I ignore it unless the person is truly alarmed.  I don't give a hoot what people think anymore and frankly I'm downright sick of the same questions for 9 years....and the sheer illogical nature of them...while my kids are PLAYING with the FRIENDS right there, or on the SAME club or team sport, or group activity and they say, "Don't they miss being with people??"   :rolleyes:

 

Honestly maybe your dd is already sick of answering people and explaining herself ...I would just ignore it- trust me, if the person really is concerned they will ask you before calling CPS. But by all means keep a portfolio 

[...................]

The funny thing is, I have met acquaintances who have made alternate choices for their children...I think it would be downright rude to start worrying and questioning them...I am SO TIRED of it.OK rant over.

 

[Farrar]

I should bookmark this thread for the next time a "concerned friend" posts about someone whose kids "don't do school."

 

I see where people are coming from in correcting the child, but I would sort of think it's funny and not really correct her if it was my kid.

[Pen]

I think the questions are pretty standard. And a standard reply would be good to have ready.  It can even be something like to what is she learning: "the usual stuff like math and writing" and to what is her favorite subject: "I don't really have one--what was your favorite subject when you were my age?" and get the conversation going in another direction.

[MerryAtHope]

I should bookmark this thread for the next time a "concerned friend" posts about someone whose kids "don't do school."

 

I was just thinking about that too. You just can't tell from a child's response, even with multiple questions, what they really do for home school!

[Lang Syne Boardie]

My kids didn't say this all the time when they were little, but when they did say it (on a school day) it felt like a little gold star for my inner unschooler wannabe. "They learned so much today and didn't know it was school!"

 

But these days I can't control the teens. They tell people, "of course we never go to school," and leave it at that.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Tibbie Dunbar

[Dmmetler]

My favorite was when DD was 8. She was waiting to go into a dance class with a bunch of girls, who were playing "my school is worse than your school", one upping each other as far as how many tests they have, how much homework, etc.

 

DD commented "I'm homeschooled, I don't have to take tests"

 

Girls "Lucky!!"

 

DD- "yes, I am-it leaves more time for fun stuff, like Latin and Greek!"

[J-rap]

I remember a friend of my daughter's asked her if she just played all day, since she was home.  My daughter simply answered YES!  That was a little funny and embarrassing!  Oh well.

[Ellie]

I feel really embarrassed about my kid telling everyone we don't do school. She's nine years old. Whenever anyone asks her what she's learning in school, what her favorite subject is, etc..., she answers, "Oh, we don't do that." It's summer, so our school is lighter, but we are still doing a few hours of school each day, more than half of that looking very schooly (Writing with Ease, All About Spelling, Beast Academy, etc...). She often resists doing her schoolwork, so I don't really want to add more schoolwork, especially during the summer. I've talked to her repeatedly about this, pointing out how the public school kids don't even do school this time a year, all the stuff we are continuing to do during the summer, etc... and she still does this. I worry someone is going to report me for educational neglect. (There is almost no oversight for homeschooling here: I don't even have to register, but in a couple counties over, there have been issues with homeschooled kids being declared truant.) How do I handle this? Or should I just shrug this off?

 

It is not probable that random strangers are going to (1) care enough to contact anyone official about something your daughter said and (2) know your contact information anyway.

 

You might have to look your daughter in the eyeball and tell her to knock.it.off. Don't talk to her, don't point out stuff, just tell her to knock.it.off.  You could also practice a conversation, whereby she learns to say something noncommittal, like "Oh I don't have a favorite." But you shouldn't be "repeatedly" dealing with this.

 

But really, when you're out in public, you don't owe anyone an explanation. If your dd says something you think is inappropriate, just laugh and move on. You don't need to explain anything to anyone.

[KSinNS]

My kids always say this, and I just wink at the adult and say "we just don't CALL it school" and they laugh.

 

One time some workman asked "why aren't you in school" and Miss T answered, quick as a wink "because we don't want to go!" What can you say to that?

[Sahamamama]

I would tell her that you as a homeschooling parent are legally required to "do school" and that when she tells people that you don't, it could get you in trouble.  Seriously.

 

:iagree: We live in a low-reg state, but even here, I wouldn't let my kids blab out all over the place that we "don't do school." I think most nine year olds are able to understand the need to at least appear to comply with the law. You could practice with her several acceptable alternatives to her troublesome "we don't do school" line. Pretend to be in those types of situations where a homeschooled kid gets asked awkward questions, but instead practice not giving awkward (and risky) answers. What do you want her to say? Figure that out, and practice with her, until those positive responses become more automatic.

Edited June 24, 2016 by Sahamamama

[Renai]

But these days I can't control the teens. They tell people, "of course we never go to school," and leave it at that.

 

Yeah, teens. Dd16 spent 9th grade at an arts charter school, and started 10th at the same school. She'd had enough after a week, and asked me to homeschool her again. Her favorite line is to tell people she dropped out of high school. [groan] That's probably my fault though as I started it at home by calling her my high school drop out (laughing!). She does plenty of high school at home, though. Oh, and her "drop out" comment was quickly followed by the fact that she actually homeschools.

[Peaceful Isle]

My son told everyone last year he never does school. 😩 So not true. We got through a good portion of FLL4 , did two math U see books, finished almost all of SOTW 1, finished out science course, read tons of books, and played sports and took art class.

 

But...we did no school. Hmm

[SilverMoon]

When DS/12th was little he used to say, "Schools are for fish."

[Ellie]

My son told everyone last year he never does school. 😩 So not true. We got through a good portion of FLL4 , did two math U see books, finished almost all of SOTW 1, finished out science course, read tons of books, and played sports and took art class.

 

But...we did no school. Hmm

 

Probably it is that he is learning stuff, and he knows that he doesn't have to go to school to learn stuff. :-)

[Reefgazer]

When people ask where my kids go to school, I just say "They don't go to school" and just let it sit there. I enjoy seeing the stunned look on the faces, LOL.

[SereneHome]

Unless I was really worried that the person would call CPS on me, I really wouldn't care what my kid would say to a stranger or even not a stranger.

 

But then again - I am not a fan of those "standard" questions.  Yes, I understand that it's not a big deal and people just trying to make small talk, but I get irked just slightly when I am asked "so, what do you do?"

 

I don't know if it's cultural thing or just me being grumpy or what - but why can't people have more interesting questions??  :)  :thumbup:

[Seeking Squirrels]

My 8 yo often says we don't really do much school and answers DH with things like "I don't know" or "nothing" when asked what she did for school. But over the last couple weeks I've discovered why. She will periodically ask why we haven't been doing one thing or another she loves and when I say something along the lines of "because we decided to take a little time off school this summer" she will say in a very surprised voice "that's SCHOOL?!??" 

[importswim]

When my son was in PS I would always ask him what they did that day. His response EVERY TIME was "nothing". I assume that they actually did work so I took it with a grain of salt. I'd try to take your DD's answer the same way. 

[El...]

My kid knows what grade she is in because I take her out for ice cream and promoter her over desert!  Sugar cements that info. 

 

OP, I get why that scares you.  Snarky little smart kid!  :grouphug:

[Janeway]

I feel really embarrassed about my kid telling everyone we don't do school. She's nine years old. Whenever anyone asks her what she's learning in school, what her favorite subject is, etc..., she answers, "Oh, we don't do that." It's summer, so our school is lighter, but we are still doing a few hours of school each day, more than half of that looking very schooly (Writing with Ease, All About Spelling, Beast Academy, etc...). She often resists doing her schoolwork, so I don't really want to add more schoolwork, especially during the summer. I've talked to her repeatedly about this, pointing out how the public school kids don't even do school this time a year, all the stuff we are continuing to do during the summer, etc... and she still does this. I worry someone is going to report me for educational neglect. (There is almost no oversight for homeschooling here: I don't even have to register, but in a couple counties over, there have been issues with homeschooled kids being declared truant.) How do I handle this? Or should I just shrug this off?

Shrug it off.

 

This is why when you hear from someone else's child that they don't do school, you don't get yourself upset and start making judgements. 

[happypamama]

I would tell her that you as a homeschooling parent are legally required to "do school" and that when she tells people that you don't, it could get you in trouble.  Seriously.

Yeah.  At 9, I would tell her that, because the last thing you need is someone butting in unnecessarily.

 

So that's why my kids know their grade and why we have a school name, even though we generally don't need them.  It's a quick and easy answer when random people inquire about school, and it doesn't raise any eyebrows.

 

I also have zero problem with telling people we're on break (at whatever point in the year that is) or have a half day because we did school in August and during the snow days in January.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

When people ask where my kids go to school, I just say "They don't go to school" and just let it sit there. I enjoy seeing the stunned look on the faces, LOL.

 

 

When I initially responded to this thread, I said to sit the kiddo down and explain that it's not a great response.  

 

But now that I've mulled it, I much prefer Reefgazer's idea and I think I'm going to go with it.  Nothing says confidence like happily ignoring social norms.  I love it!

[Desert Strawberry]

My kids did this for years. They seemed honestly baffled by the thought of school. Sigh.

My little ones have been known to say, "We don't do REAL school. We just do fun school." I'm glad they feel that way, but fun school IS real school.

We get the side eye, and then I explain that we do CM style lit based classical education with lots of read alouds and story math. They just really enjoy their hands on history, physics, and art appreciation lessons. They vigorously nod along. 

Then we get a different kind of side eye.

[mamiof5]

Shrug it off. Keep some of her work in the remote case CPS ever shows up at your door. It's just a normal kids' response... mine won't go into detail about what they did unless I dig for information.