So it has actually happened ....

[Home'scool]

My kids resent how they were raised.   (Sorry, this post got long and there is no real point to it other than to acknowledge that something I thought would not happen to me, did.)

 

My daughters are now 19 and 21. I homeschooled them until high school.

 

When they were young, about 8 and 10, a friend's mother said to me "Children always end up resenting you for things you cannot even imagine." At the time I thought "Nah, not me! My kids are happy, well-behaved, and I literally follow through with all the best intentions for them!"

 

So, yeah. They now have all sorts of gripes about how they were raised.

 

I realize that we all try to compensate for what we did not have as a child. For me, it was ANY type of support or encouragement. Any lesson I did take, like piano or horseback riding, were sporadic at best and quickly dropped. There was no oversight of our homework. Getting a 'C' in a class was perfectly acceptable. I wanted to be more supportive for my kids to help them feel like they reached their full potential. I look back at my childhood and think "maybe I could've been smarter/better/more successful if someone just supported my interests!" and I didn't want that for them.

 

Some examples:

 

We had both girls take piano lessons. Our approach was that whatever lessons they took we would get them the best instructors we could find. We did start out with the little old lady in the neighborhood, but after almost one year and them still plinking away with barely two hands and getting bored we upped it. I found them an instructor at a local music conservatory. Campaigned to get them the best instructor. She was tough, but they loved her. They both started to compete. Their playing became phenomenal and they started winning all sorts of awards. My oldest was told at age 14 that she should apply to Julliard. Every year I would tell them that they did NOT have to play at this level. They did not have to compete. It was up to them. They could've kept the same teacher and not compete, but they both wanted to continue because, at the time, they loved the accolades. Every day they practiced for an hour, and when competition time came they would spend a week practicing for about 5 hours a day. Now they say they are astounded I made them practice that much. That the pressure they were under was too much and how could I have done that to them? When I remind them I always gave them a choice they say that they were too young to know.

 

My youngest played softball. She played on the town team and on a club team. She had a natural talent for it and loved it. There was one season, around age 12, she got a really lousy coach. The guy was a real piece of work (he ended up being arrested for trying to solicit a prostitute.) We went to high school together and we disliked each other immensely in high school and now, 30 years later, he is being a real jerk to my daughter. He never played her. He would put her in the batting cage and crank up the machine so she would strike out and then say she couldn't bat. When he did put her up she was only allowed to bunt. She decided she didn't like softball anymore and wanted to quit.

 

I told her she could quit once she was back on top. I said that if she quit when her confidence was down and because she had a jerk coach she would always wonder how far she could've gone with softball. My husband and I worked with her on the weekends with fielding and batting skills, and I took on the coach regarding her playing time. When she was ready we told her, no matter what he signaled her, she was not to bunt but to hit away. Once she started having some great hits he had to play her more. We worked with her on how to ask him to put her back on 3rd base again and not always put her in right field. He did and she did awesome. Once the season was over she did not have to play for this moron again and went to play all through high school and during the summer with a club team. She made the varsity high school team as a freshman, and was on the starting team for club. She loved all her team members and has memories of playing at Cooperstown and Disney.

 

But now she says the pressure was immense and that we pushed too much. My husband was an assistant coach on her club team and the practices were hard, but it was an 'A" level team! She earned a spot on the team and you could not have dragged her off it if you tried. She loved all the girls on the team. Traveling on the weekends and staying over at hotels was blast for them. They were all very close. But now all she remembers is the pressure.

 

I know no matter how thin the pancake there are always two sides, but I am really surprised at the level of their resentment. They say they loved being homeschooled and don't regret that one bit, but it's the extra stuff we were too hard on.

 

I guess my friend's mother was right. At the time they loved doing so well at piano, my youngest loved being known as a fierce softball player, but now they've turned it all around.

 

 

 

 

Edited June 2, 2016 by Home'scool

[Miss Peregrine]

I recently had one of my kids tell me that something I did for their benefit(seriously, it was medical protocol) was traumatizing for her. :( I cried a lot over that.

 

I'm sorry. I regularly talk to my kids about mistakes I've made and how they will make them, too. And it's all okay. We laugh now about some if the things that really stick out for them.

[Home'scool]

If there is one thing being a mother taught me, it is to never say never!

[happypamama]

Oh, mama, I'm sorry.  I do think part of it is their ages -- parents are really stupid when you're that age.  They magically become smart again a few years later.  It's very possible that your girls will change their opinions when they're parents themselves.

 

Also, you made the best choices you could with the information you had at the time, and that's all any of us can do.  It sounds like you were caring, supportive, and conscientious, and you sound like an awesome mom!  Kids aren't always able to interpret parental motives and to see the bigger picture.

 

(((HUGS)))

[theelfqueen]

Can I just sidestep the topic and say I love pancake saying? I don't think I have heard that before.

[freesia]

If I recall, you are also going through a divorce. Could this be a way that they are channeling some of that anger?

[Happy]

I think every kid goes through that phase--they still don't have all the perspective they need....when my sons indicate such things to me, I tell them we made the very best decisions we knew how to make--with the information we had at hand. If we had different information we might have made different decisions. The only thing you can do now is move forward, my son.

 

I have apologized and expressed regret for some things we did or missed--wow, would I love to go back and have a do-over or two???? Sure thing. I tell my sons that as well. Now that they are past the 'young' adult stage, they seem to understand more.

[redsquirrel]

They'll grow out of it.  Honestly, my friend with 4 grown children told me that all her kids did that at the same age. It's like the last blast of teenage angst. They are burning down their last bridge or something. 

 

You did a great job. I am sure they are happy and well adjusted kids. Give it some time and they will remember how great you are. Let them live in the adult world and I am sure they will figure out how happy their childhoods were as well

[SparklyUnicorn]

You don't resent anything your parents did?  Or rather, at no point in time you really didn't?  Normal I'd say.  Now that I'm a mother I get it.  You figure how would they know how something would have been better if it had been different?  They just don't know.  They'll get it when they have kids. 

[J-rap]

Aww, don't feel too badly!  I think it's natural for kids to do that, especially around that age.  I always loved how my MIL handled it when her 7 children would start blaming her for something in their past.  She was very smart and witty, and would have some sarcastic answer along the lines of, "Oh you poor things, such a hard life you led!  And look what's become of you because of it!"  Eventually it just became more of a joke, and they lightened up and really didn't blame her at all.  Or they came to the realization that no one is perfect and everyone has their own quirks, even parents!

[EKS]

My older son recently told me that he resented my decision to homeschool him in high school.  It apparently was news to him that *he* was the one who insisted upon it!

[Bluegoat]

I think these are things on the one hand we shouldn't take too seriously, but on the other we can gain wisdom from them.

 

Your daughters are still at an age where they tend to lack perspective.  So - big grain of salt there.  If they haven't given up resenting at 40, that is not on your plate any more IMO.

 

OTOH, they seem to have felt pressured.  And maybe there are some real nuggets from that - maybe it is a good thing to keep in mind that kids may sometimes need someone to hold them back rather than push them on.  You can't change the past of course, but it can inform your thinking and when you talk to other parents, it's something you can contribute.

 

I know my mom's feeling over some things have changed.  My sister went to daycare as a kid, and my mom worried about it initially.  My sister turned out to be quite the extrovert and thrived, it seemed, there, and asked to go, and my mom changed her thinking.  Now, with a fully adult daughter who can talk about her experience, she feels that even though it was a nice place, FT daycare was actually not great for her.  I don't think she feels guilty about it at this point in her life, it's just something she has learned about people and life.

[Bambam]

I just had my 18 year old tell me that homeschooling (i.e. *me*) isolated her and she is unable to socialize with public school children her age.

Now, I found this hilarious, but to my credit I did not laugh aloud. She can get along with elderly people just fine when go with the Anchor club and do Bingo or singing. She can get along with all the people who work at the museum she works at. She can get along just fine with the variety of ages of homeschooled children at our various activities (park day, Anchor club, 4-H, church, band, etc). She can get along with the fellow homeschooling parents - many who ask her to help them with various chores and jobs and classes.

But, she cannot talk with the public schooled kids in her museum Youth Advisory Council. Now she has said that all they talk about at the meetings is teachers, their homework, and how hard/easy specific classes are.

 

But it is *my* fault she can't interact with them. But I see it more as they cannot find a common ground to discuss anything. 

 

And I'm thinking to myself, maybe the problem isn't with you, sweetie. Maybe some day you will figure this out and actually be grateful that you can talk with and work with a large variety of ages. Or maybe not.  But I'm not feeling any guilt because I think you are seriously confused in this. 

[gypsymama]

I think it's the age. At those ages they are "adults" but they are still young and just coming off the teen years. I agree with the pp that most of it will likely change when they are parents themselves. They'll be able to look more objectively at what you did and why you did it.

 

*Disclaimer: I guess I should say that I resent how I was raised to this day but I had bad circumstances. If I'm honest about it there are to this day new circumstances being added to cause resentment. Even with my bad familial relationships I can look objectively at some of it and understand things better, at least better than I could at 18 when things were so fresh.

[Lady Florida.]

19 and 21 is still quite young and they're still pulling away. Give them a few years and their views very well might change. <hugs>

[lynn]

I know this will happen with my DD. She always wants to play volleyball with me in the back yard. She is fairly good but does not want to try to be on a team any kind of team. Her choice now. But I can see it coming back on me eventually.

[SparklyUnicorn]

My older son recently told me that he resented my decision to homeschool him in high school.  It apparently was news to him that *he* was the one who insisted upon it!

 

details...

 

:001_rolleyes:

[Lady Florida.]

his day but I had bad circumstances. If I'm honest about it there are to this day new circumstances being added to cause resentment. Even with my bad familial relationships I can look objectively at some of it and understand things better, at least better than I could at 18 when things were so fresh.

 

I'm sorry about your circumstances. I agree that's completely different than either "You pushed me too hard" or "You should have pushed me harder". The latter has been heard by a family member whose daughter is the age of OP's oldest. 

[zoobie]

Wait a few years. Better yet, wait until they have kids. :grouphug:

[Ellie]

Yup. One of my dds feels that way. BTDT. :crying:

[goldberry]

I always figured there would be things DD would think we did wrong.  I refuse to take it personally, because I know we have done the best we could, and I think it's normal for some things not to turn out the way you think.  Also, kids rewrite history in their minds!

 

It's interesting that you note it can come from that pendulum effect.  DH's parents said they had parents who always just pushed-pushed them and tried to tell them what direction they needed to go in life.  So they were determined never to do that to their own kids.  DH's main complaint is that his parents never gave him any direction or encouragement to pursue anything.   :glare:  So there ya go!

[plansrme]

I could have written your post nearly word-for-word, just substituting other activities for softball and piano. My 18 yo is also at the point that she sees the downsides to the pushing, encouraging, whatever, and blames us (mostly me) for that, but she does not yet see the tremendous benefits she reaped from her experiences. I joke that we get all of the blame and none of the credit, and it sucks sometimes, but I am hopeful that she will come around as she gets older. Everything she values NOW is a direct result of things she purports to resent from her younger years. If she doesn't come around, she can just rear her own kids to be slackers, and I will have to work really, really hard to hold my tongue.

[SparklyUnicorn]

One of the hardest things is you can't blame someone else.  Not that I'm trying to highlight your pain here.  What I mean is I wasn't so crazy about my school situation growing up.  I know there is no way my parents could have homeschooled me so I don't really "go there" in terms of blaming them, but hey I suppose I could.  Why did I have to have such a crummy school situation?  Why didn't my parents ever do anything to help make it better?  They were completely uninvolved with any aspect of my education.  Now if they had homeschooled and I felt that way, well then there is that specific person I could blame.  Who do I blame at the school?  I blame them all, but they are nameless and faceless.  My parents probably wouldn't feel all that guilty if I said how come you didn't do anything to help me.  They literally didn't see it as their job to do so.  Their mindset was incredibly different than mine at this point. 

 

Pretty much I never think too hard about any of that though.  I know life sometimes is just not so great.  That's the way it goes. 

[SKL]

I think your mistake was thinking that good parenting should be appreciated by good kids.  It rarely is at that age.  :)

 

When people disagree with something I'm doing with my kids, I often joke that since they are going to hate me when they are young adults, I might as well choose the reason for it.  :p  Of course they will probably hate me for some other completely unpredictable reason.  But I do believe it will be temporary.

 

Unfortunately, this kind of thinking is often encouraged by college fluff courses (and books along similar lines), adults wanting to feel like mentors, and even some paid counselors.  The young person enjoys the attention that the "poor me" lament gets them.  That said, I think it will pass regardless, as the young person naturally matures.

 

PS I totally did all of this as a young adult.  I did hurt my mom's feelings at times.  But I made up for it later, when I realized she's actually some sort of goddess who lived through 6 kids.  :p

Edited June 2, 2016 by SKL

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yeah really maybe you need to crack a joke like oh good I'm so glad my evil plot is coming to fruition.  LOL

 

I know it hurts though.  I get that.  One of mine is not crazy about homeschooling, but I have no reason to believe he'd be crazy about public schooling either.  He doesn't like school.  My husband told me he hated school.  Some people just don't like it. 

[Home'scool]

WOW! I didn't realize that this was a thing that kids do! I really thought that they would hate me for the rest of their lives haha.

 

Reading your responses has made me feel a LOT better.

 

I love love love this line: "

Everything she values NOW is a direct result of things she purports to resent from her younger years"

 

 

Thank you all for making me feel so much better!

[MinivanMom]

Ages 19-21 are probably the peak for resenting your parents . . . and for not having much of a filter on the hurtful things that come out of your mouth.

 

You're going through a divorce, right? I think it's common for teens & young adults to channel the grief of a divorce into anger. It's not really fair to you, but it's a pretty common reaction. As they get older, they will move past grief to acceptance, and they will gain life experiences that will mellow their childhood resentments.This is a phase, and it will pass.

 

Everyone has things they don't like about how they were raised. Everyone. Everyone chooses to do some things different with their own children. Everyone. That's how it has always been, and that's how it will always be. Don't take it too personally. Your daughters will go through the same thing with their own children someday as the cycle continues. And if you're very, very lucky, at that moment they will remember their own young adult years and think to themselves, "I wish I hadn't said . . . to my own mother."

[gardenmom5]

they are 19 and 21. it's a stage. 

 

1dd was very precocious - in that she apologized for being an obnoxious teen when she was 17.

everyone else (that's three more) . . . at least in their mid 20s.

 

give it time - and don't take their developmental stage of breaking emotionally free of their parents personally.

 

[Tita Gidge]

I was about that age, I know I was in college, when I had a similar conversation with my parents (who make Tiger Mom look like a tiger cub). It was about piano, which I chose when presented the options of: piano or violin, pick your 'passion' because you'll spend the next 12 years doing it.

 

And I was good. I've always had a good ear and beat. Unfortunately I have smaller hands that were better suited to a violin (!) but I played well and was encouraged (some siblings would say pushed) to compete and to win. I have a brother very close in age to me and we've been competitive with each other since the day he exited the womb and fought me for mom's boob. He, too, chose piano. We'd out practice each other, out perform each other, out class each other in lessons ... our primary motivation for success at that point was to beat out the other one. Whatever, my parents were just glad that the two of us didn't need to be prompted to play and were doing our part to give them something to brag about.

 

So I'm home from college and my brother asks me to critique his newest piece. And he beautifully plays a piece I've been struggling with for months, not just because I was in school and working but because my hands are smaller and it's just more challenging for me to play this particular piece. He's mastered it. I declared on the spot that I was done playing piano. And I've not played it since because I'm a stubborn butt.

 

As soon as my parents finished gushing all over the rat fink, I told them I was done with piano. I said I had never liked it any way, that I only did it because they made me, and that I think I wasted a lot of hours over something I was never going to do again. My parents reminded me that it was required by them that I play for every year I attended school, but that the extra hours I poured into it were driven by my ego. I wasn't ready to hear that yet. But it did plant a seed, and once I got over the anger of my brother being better than me (LOL), I could see they were right.

 

But I also maintain that there was an unspoken, informal pressure to please them. I knew our successes were important to them and though they gave us the option to not compete (we were required only to play) - the reality is they'd have been disappointed. So I did feel a pressure that they don't know was there, would be horrified to know I felt, and would deny existed because to them - it didn't. Because they "gave us the choice." Which is technically true, but kids want to please their parents. So a 'choice' isn't always perceived to be one. And this doesn't make me resent my parents, it's just a true assessment of my feelings. It may be the same for your girls?

 

I think your girls are processing their childhood. It's a normal part of that transition from childhood to adulthood. It's a process that takes time, and sometimes the wisdom brought on by outside adult experiences.  They're just in the initial stages of that transition. Most people make the full transition in their late teens and twenties, but some don't. Few don't make it through the transition at all; it's as though instead of emerging adolescence a butterfly, they stagnate in the cocoon.

 

But we're human, and we can only do the best we know at the time. And in time, our kids realize that even if we made 'mistakes' they were made from a place of genuine love and good intent. Most kids realize it. I'm sure yours will. It's a healthy thing to be able to find the lessons in our experiences, and picking apart those experiences is the first step. It's how you arrived at the decision to support your children differently than you were supported as a child. Any one your daughters has a relationship with in the future, especially if they have children, will benefit from their ability to healthfully process their childhood experiences.

 

Not that it removes the sting :grouphug: But I'd say you did a damn fine job if this is what they most resent.

[Tap]

Every single decision we make, has multiple consequences.  Some have positive outcomes, and some do not.  We can't have it all.  For every choice there are multiple points of view; it just depends on the lens we use to view it. 

 

It sounds like they are going through a stage in life where they are looking back on the multiple facets of life choices. Yep, maybe you did push them hard.  But it also sounds like you were there to support them through it.  You weren't screaming on the side lines about them being unfocused-ignorant-losers. You hired good teachers, you financially supported their interests, you spent the time watching/listening and cheering them on. 

 

Even as an adult, there are times when I realize that a situation was way more difficult than it needed to be and that it wasn't until I stepped outside of the situation that I saw how horrible it really was.  I hear this often from people who are getting divorced or have a quit a job.  They knew the situation was stressful, but once they got out of it, is when they saw it for what it really was.  

 

My son was a competitive swimmer and carried a heavy academic load.  There are times when he tells me about his depression and how he regrets swimming for so long.  There are other times when he tells me that he feels like he wasn't a very disciplined person as a teenager.  There are other times that he appreciates the great things he learned from swimming.  There are others that he appreciates how far ahead he got in school due to his early academics.  EVERY one of those things are true.  They are not mutually exclusive.  There were times when he was too stressed and times when he was unfocused. YeP, welcome to life! We cant all be perfect all the time. Success happens with hard work.  Hard work isn't always enjoyable.  Once my son stopped enjoying the outcomes from his hard work, is when he decided to stop swimming.  It was his choice and I supported him quitting 100%.

 

 As parents of high preforming kids, we take the cue from our kids.  We ask them if they want to continue. We watch for depression.  We try to help push them up and over a hurdle when they need a little extra support. When they say they are ready to stop, we encourage them to stick it out another month or finish a season to help them not have regrets later. But when they are truely done, we let them stop (or just not move on the next level). High preforming kids have stress.  Parents of high preforming kids have stress.  People who preform at a highly competitive level have stress!  They feel pressure.  They have bad days.  They also have amazing days that pull all the hard work in to perspective. 

 

When my son talks about his many views of those years, and when he puts some of the blame back on me.....I remind him....that i gave him the choice to stop.  I gave him every little thing I could to support him.  He wasn't in it alone and I made a lot of sacrifices to give him what he asked for.  If he wanted to stop, he needed to say something. Had I pulled him out of swimming, this conversation would have been about regrets and why did he quit when he did.  If someone wants to wallow in negative emotions they can find the fodder in every decision parents make. 

 

 

[JFSinIL]

Wait a few years. Better yet, wait until they have kids. :grouphug:

Yup. Just smile at them and tell them "No do-overs. But you can do things differently when you have kids". You do NOT have to defend your parenting at all.

BTW - does either of them still enjoy music and being able to play piano? They would not have that w/o your aid and encouragement.

Edited June 2, 2016 by JFSinIL

[gardenmom5]

They'll grow out of it.  Honestly, my friend with 4 grown children told me that all her kids did that at the same age. It's like the last blast of teenage angst. They are burning down their last bridge or something. 

 

You did a great job. I am sure they are happy and well adjusted kids. Give it some time and they will remember how great you are. Let them live in the adult world and I am sure they will figure out how happy their childhoods were as well

 

it was amazing the more they *really* got to know their peers - from a much wider pool than  would be found in a school/homeschool setting - they came to really appreciate how good they had it.  (despite some extremely difficult outside circumstances.)

 

 

*Disclaimer: I guess I should say that I resent how I was raised to this day but I had bad circumstances. If I'm honest about it there are to this day new circumstances being added to cause resentment. Even with my bad familial relationships I can look objectively at some of it and understand things better, at least better than I could at 18 when things were so fresh.

 I also have some deep resentments to how I was raised.  I'm old enough, and experienced  enough to see the things she did right and give her credit for those things.  I'm also experienced enough to see how much of her apathy probably came from her control-freak of a mother . . . but there were some things . . . the older and more experienced I get, the more disgusted and appalled I am by those choices. (and they were *deliberate*  choices)

Edited June 2, 2016 by gardenmom5

[SquirrellyMama]

I agree that this is a stage. I totally did it too :) As someone else said it was a pendulum effect. My parents thought their parents were messed up, and decided they would do it right. Well, I thought they messed up and decided I would do it right, which was the opposite of what they did. I'm sure my kids will have many complaints.

 

This stage might last for some time. It took me until my kids weren't super little anymore.

 

I've told all of mine that I will apologize one time when they are older. They can lay it all out and I will give them my best apology, but only once. I'm not going to rehash all my shortcomings every Thanksgiving :)

 

I do apologize as things come up if I truly screw up. There's a difference in messing up, and doing our best that doesn't measure up to their standards.

 

Kelly

[gypsymama]

it was amazing the more they *really* got to know their peers - from a much wider pool than  would be found in a school/homeschool setting - they came to really appreciate how good they had it.  (despite some extremely difficult outside circumstances.)

 

 I also have some deep resentments to how I was raised.  I'm old enough, and experienced  enough to see the things she did right and give her credit for those things.  I'm also experienced enough to see how much of her apathy probably came from her control-freak of a mother . . . but there were some things . . . the older and more experienced I get, the more disgusted and appalled I am by those choices. (and they were *deliberate*  choices)

 

This is me. As an adult wife and mother I can see why my mother did things the way she did and I can understand her situations a lot better. I can give her credit for the good things she did and where she went right. I can also see all the horrible ways she deliberately screwed up big time. Honestly given some of the information I have discovered over the years it just gets worse. And as a bonus she's still adding more reasons for me to despise her. Nice. Honestly it's a real wonder I even speak to the woman  :huh:

[gardenmom5]

This is me. As an adult wife and mother I can see why my mother did things the way she did and I can understand her situations a lot better. I can give her credit for the good things she did and where she went right. I can also see all the horrible ways she deliberately screwed up big time. Honestly given some of the information I have discovered over the years it just gets worse. And as a bonus she's still adding more reasons for me to despise her. Nice. Honestly it's a real wonder I even speak to the woman  :huh:

 

I was eventually able to love my mother  (and have compassion on her for her shortcomings - but there were a couple things - I will never condone because they were so egregiously wrong. it was a deliberate - and repeated for years starting when I was living at home and hurt me - choice.) -

 

from the time I was a teen, I felt like the adult in the relationship (one more reason to resent her when I desperately needed a nurturing parent.  I didn't have one.). to the day she died - I felt like the adult in the  relationship.

 

I do look at the difference between her children and my children and think - at least my children had me as a mother and not my mother.  and what a difference it has made.. . .

I joked she lived her adult life like a teen rebelling against their mother.  things only calmed down after her mother died.

rant off -

[Arcadia]

:grouphug:

Each generation has something they wish changed in their childhood. My easy going hubby thinks his overall education was substandard compared to mine and he is not blaming his parents. My kids have things that they are not happy about even though they know that what they have is possibly the best possible option out of whatever is available. I think it is just part of being human, you can be happy for what you get/achieve and still wish for something.

 

But I also maintain that there was an unspoken, informal pressure to please them. I knew our successes were important to them and though they gave us the option to not compete (we were required only to play) - the reality is they'd have been disappointed. So I did feel a pressure that they don't know was there, would be horrified to know I felt, and would deny existed because to them - it didn't. Because they "gave us the choice." Which is technically true, but kids want to please their parents. So a 'choice' isn't always perceived to be one. And this doesn't make me resent my parents, it's just a true assessment of my feelings.

:iagree: we likely have similar family culture.

I was one of the most defiant grandchildren though which makes my aunts lives interesting.

 

I play piano and I have small fingers. My hubby and my boys have long fingers. I tried violin and the chin rest is a deal breaker. Cello is so much easier for me. Accordion was great when I was in my elementary school ensemble.

[SparklyUnicorn]

There have been moments I resented not being encouraged more to play an instrument. 

 

I mean so you can't win.  LOL

 

 

[6packofun]

I just had my 18 year old tell me that homeschooling (i.e. *me*) isolated her and she is unable to socialize with public school children her age.

Now, I found this hilarious, but to my credit I did not laugh aloud. She can get along with elderly people just fine when go with the Anchor club and do Bingo or singing. She can get along with all the people who work at the museum she works at. She can get along just fine with the variety of ages of homeschooled children at our various activities (park day, Anchor club, 4-H, church, band, etc). She can get along with the fellow homeschooling parents - many who ask her to help them with various chores and jobs and classes.

But, she cannot talk with the public schooled kids in her museum Youth Advisory Council. Now she has said that all they talk about at the meetings is teachers, their homework, and how hard/easy specific classes are.

 

But it is *my* fault she can't interact with them. But I see it more as they cannot find a common ground to discuss anything. 

 

And I'm thinking to myself, maybe the problem isn't with you, sweetie. Maybe some day you will figure this out and actually be grateful that you can talk with and work with a large variety of ages. Or maybe not.  But I'm not feeling any guilt because I think you are seriously confused in this. 

 

THANK you for this post.  I have a dd who says and does the exact same thing.  She keeps saying she's socially awkward and I never see it, but when she describes how she can't relate to ps kids I'm like, well, is that surprising??  Is THAT what you're really mad about even though you wanted to continue homeschooling every year in high school that I asked you?  LOL  Argh.

[Tess in the Burbs]

Well, as an adult I can say my mom did some things wrong.  My sister can say our parents did some things wrong.  My parents have completely different memories of these same events.  Even my sister and I do not remember situations exactly the same.  It's shocking if we talk about one event, how everyone has a different view of the situation.  SOOOOO, your kids can complain about their life, but in the end, you did what was right at the time.  I have made mistakes.  I can't go back to change them.  I have to forgive myself, and do my best tomorrow.  it's funny b/c my kids keep saying how naive they are to kids who aren't homeschooled, but my kids don't want to do co-op classes outside the home, or PS classes.  They choose to be home every day!  I would love to get out !!!  Again, how someone remembers the situation isn't always reflective of the truth. 

[6packofun]

To the OP, we've been through this with a couple of our kids and the best response I could come up with was, "I'm so glad that you've become this great person in spite of all my mistakes...and yours!" (And then I walk away and my face crumbles a bit so I have a Dr. Pepper to make things better.)

[gardenmom5]

 

 

I play piano and I have small fingers. My hubby and my boys have long fingers. I tried violin and the chin rest is a deal breaker. Cello is so much easier for me. Accordion was great when I was in my elementary school ensemble.

 

I think allowing kids to choose what instrument is a good thing.  not all instruments are a good fit.  (though I do think  playing an instrument is very positive.)

 

My nephew went through seven different instruments before settling on cello in 6th or 7th grade.  he's a professional cellist and has added more instruments to his repertoire.

 

I've a friend who is a violinist - and teaches Suzuki.  she would have put each of  her kids in violin, but she did listen to them about what was an actual 'fit' for them - and that included switching.  two are cellists.  one plays viola.

[FriedClams]

I recently had (and will continue to have) a conversation with my young teens about forgiveness. I explained that everyone, at some point, has to make peace with their childhood. They have to forgive their parents that they weren't perfect, and that in hindsight the kids will regret something their parents did or did not do. I shared that we love them and have prayerfully tried to do everything we could to love, protect, and encourage them, and I'm sure in some ways we failed. Too many adults fail to make peace with their childhood and it hampers them forever, and I explained how I really, really don't want that for them. They got it, a little. I'm sure we'll have that conversation again, and again. It may help, it may not. I think it's part of growing up. (((HUGS))) Mom. You've raised independent, strong young women. Good work!!! Hang in there!!

Edited June 2, 2016 by FriedClams

[mamiof5]

If that's the only things they can bring against you they are truly blessed, and some day they will see it. Not trying to bash them, since I am sure a lot of it has to do with their ages... but, come on! At this point, right now, they are sounding a little selfish and just self-centered. I wouldn't let it bother me, just brush it off. I didn't have the greatest childhood, I was physically abused and other stuff...when I look back on my childhood I try my best to pull out the good...and I'm sure there was some good, but the bad outweighs it big time. So, can't avoid but looking at it from that perspective. You made sacrifices, I am sure all the stuff they did wasn't cheap at all, you also sacrificed time, energy etc to take them to activities etc... I can't help but feel they are just being ungrateful :(

[ErinE]

I haven't read any other responses.

 

Your children are barely adults. It may take a few years for them to come around. When my oldest reached the toddler years, I realized how great my parents were. As my kids enter their teen years, I've followed my parents example in some things. But it wasn't until I was in the tall weeds of parenthood that I really appreciated everything my parents did for me as a child.

 

Share with them your thoughts. They may disagree, and that's fine. There's no one right way to parent. If they complain again, I'd tell them you did what you thought was right, you understand their feelings, you still think it was the right thing to do, and it can't be changed now. Then I'd think about a sweet way to say: get over it.

[wendy not in HI]

I just had a conversation with my 18 year old daughter that goes right along with this... 

 

We are moving this summer and I'm having a hard time finding the right housing for our family.  We will likely only live there for a year.  I am trying to make a decision that will be a good one for our two kids who will be at home (12 and 15 years old), but I am having a hard time making my #1 choice work and we may have to go with a choice that won't be so great for them.  It's complicated.

 

My dd who is 18 will be going to college in the fall, so it really doesn't matter to her where we live.  I was talking through some issues with her this morning, and I said "if we end up living ____ do you think your younger siblings will hate me?"  she said "they might just hate you no matter what you choose..." 

 

And she's right.  I could find the perfect housing situation and they still might "hate" me...  

 

I probably shouldn't have framed it in a "hate me" sort of angle.  I really meant, will they resent me forever if I make the wrong choice.  They have many reasons to resent the life we have given them.  This military life is tough on teenagers...  But I have seen that the teenage years are tough even if you don't go to 3 different high schools...

 

Our oldest is 22 years old.  She regrets not playing piano through high school and has told me that I should have pushed her to do that.  She was so busy in high school with sports and a job and volunteering, I'm not sure that we could have squeezed in one more thing, but that is what she is focused on right now...  We have certainly pushed our kids, with our words and with our unspoken expectations.  I'm sure they will all hate us for different things.  

 

To me, it sounds like you are a phenomenal mom.  Your experience with the softball coach is awesome.  Hopefully your girls will come to appreciate you as they mature.  There have been many moments as I have raised my kids when I have suddenly realized how much my mom sacrificed for me and loved me...

 

 

[Home'scool]

Thank you again, everyone, for your posts.

 

I had a very dysfunctional childhood so I don't know the correct reaction to a normal childhood. I can't really tell if I should be validating their resentment (which was something my mother never did - she always told me I was either (a) making things up or (b) should just get over it.)

 

I don't really have any clue between normal criticism of parenting styles and trying to address a real issue that should be acknowledged. For me, every issue that I experienced in my childhood was a result of really bad parenting so my experience now is kind of skewed!

[trulycrabby]

They don't have the maturity and perspective to understand why you made those decisions. Give them a few years; maybe when they are parents they will thank you.

 

:grouphug:

Edited June 2, 2016 by trulycrabby

[gypsymama]

I was eventually able to love my mother  (and have compassion on her for her shortcomings - but there were a couple things - I will never condone because they were so egregiously wrong. it was a deliberate - and repeated for years starting when I was living at home and hurt me - choice.) -

 

from the time I was a teen, I felt like the adult in the relationship (one more reason to resent her when I desperately needed a nurturing parent.  I didn't have one.). to the day she died - I felt like the adult in the  relationship.

 

I do look at the difference between her children and my children and think - at least my children had me as a mother and not my mother.  and what a difference it has made.. . .

I joked she lived her adult life like a teen rebelling against their mother.  things only calmed down after her mother died.

rant off -

 

Sounds like you were raised by my mother. I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Having to be the adult taking care of the parents is awful. It was the same for me and I also raised my brother and sister because of it. I'm still the adult in the relationship with my mother. My disappointment and continued issues with her now are because of my own children (I won't go into details and further derail the thread but let's just say she isn't grandma of the year anymore than she was mom of the year). I am very unusual in some of my approaches with my children trying to make sure they are well cared for, do not feel like they have to adult before they need to, and that they don't feel responsible for my emotional health. I am still working on finding peace in my relationship with her. Toxic parents *sigh*

[Laurel-in-CA]

THANK you for this post.  I have a dd who says and does the exact same thing.  She keeps saying she's socially awkward and I never see it, but when she describes how she can't relate to ps kids I'm like, well, is that surprising??  Is THAT what you're really mad about even though you wanted to continue homeschooling every year in high school that I asked you?  LOL  Argh.

 

I remember when my oldest was in the large girls bible study for high school @ our church. ALL the public school kids were chattering about stuff at their schools, but at the same time there were full of questions for my dd about how strange homeschooling was. She never had a chance to get a word in edgewise during the weekly interrogation. Finally I talked to the youth leader about it and said, you know, my daughter might have some questions for them, too? Or did they have any other mutually interesting topics they could discuss???? It was really a challenge during her freshman year and I am sure she wondered if they'd ever find common ground....most of them did not find it with her, but the one or two that did are gems to this day.

 

My ds, on the other hand, is mostly sorry he didn't get to play club basketball, which he knows we couldn't afford. He's taken so many basketball classes @ CC that all the coaches know him and ask him to play in as an extra when he's available....and now he's seeking out morning basketball groups to play with. Oh, wow, turns out he can pursue his OWN passion now, without needing us to pay or push!!

[fairfarmhand]

I think every kid goes through that phase--they still don't have all the perspective they need....when my sons indicate such things to me, I tell them we made the very best decisions we knew how to make--with the information we had at hand. If we had different information we might have made different decisions. The only thing you can do now is move forward, my son.

 

I have apologized and expressed regret for some things we did or missed--wow, would I love to go back and have a do-over or two???? Sure thing. I tell my sons that as well. Now that they are past the 'young' adult stage, they seem to understand more.

 

This.

 

I did it too.

 

Then I had kids and found out HOW FREAKING HARD AND THANKLESS this job it.

 

I began to see my parents as doing the best they could with what they had.

 

Just say, "Wow. I'm sorry you feel such resentment from your childhood. I really tried to listen to you and nudge you to take advantage of your opportunities. I was doing the best I could at the moment. I hope you can forgive me."