How Wrong Was I? (MIL Drama)

[MercyA]

I often wish I had the courage to say something when someone interferes with my parenting, and then I end up stewing about it later. I think it was fine for you to speak up; your MIL needs a thicker skin, in my opinion.

[bolt.]

I often wish I had the courage to say something when someone interferes with my parenting, and then I end up stewing about it later. I think it was fine for you to speak up; your MIL needs a thicker skin, in my opinion.

In general, yeah.

 

But on Mother's Day, with the year, month, and day she actually experienced -- a thick skin was not a reasonable expectation.

 

My reaction was objectively fine (within reason) but: relationally, with all realistic factors accounted for... the woman deserved some bubble-wrap today, and I was completely oblivious.

Edited May 9, 2016 by bolt.

[HSmomof2]

I don't think it is your fault that MIL walked out, I think you set an appropriate boundary and she overreacted.

 

The one thing you might consider in the future is backing off a bit from parenting mode during a celebratory gathering. It is awkward for a child to be corrected in the presence of guests, and most things just don't matter so much that they must be dealt with at that time.

ITA^^^

[Farrar]

I didn't exactly know that telling her she had taken more syrup than she should have would make her cry. We're hitting new development (11.5) and I'm finding her unpredictably weepy. In a few more weeks I'll probably be better. (A comment like that wouldn't have made her cry a month ago.)

 

I'm really feeling defensive. All I mean is that I wouldn't have said it either, if I had the slightest idea it would result in tears. It's also 'not normal' for me to make comments (on purpose) that make kids teary in front of others.

 

When you put it that way, I really don't think you did anything wrong. I guess I thought you'd gone into a huge correcting thing for something that your dd had been working on or something. Like, I was picturing how ds and I are working on how he reacts around some of his anxiety triggers. But I wouldn't try to do any of that work at a big family gathering in front of relatives. If one came up, I'd just smooth it over the best I could and ds would probably be glad I did. But you just said, hey, kid, you took too much? Sounds like it was a cascade of everyone having a bad day in front of each other. How rotten for all of you.

[Farrar]

"Well goodness. I wish I had as much help with cooking and cleaning as I seem to be getting with parenting."

 

Passive aggressive is amusing on forums or thinking of what one could have said after the fact in consolation for how it went in reality... but rarely the right response in reality, I find.

[MercyA]

But on Mother's Day, with the year, month, and day she actually experienced -- a thick skin was not a reasonable expectation.

 

My reaction was objectively fine (within reason) but: relationally, with all realistic factors accounted for... the woman deserved some bubble-wrap today, and I was completely oblivious.

 

That's kind of you to recognize, but I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Would you feel better if you just called her and said something like, "I'm sorry about how things went yesterday. I understand that you were just trying to help"?

[MomatHWTK]

To make matters worse (for me) I've just recalled half a dozen *really* strong good reasons why her day was a hell of a lot worse than mine. Things I should have been much more cognizant of much earlier in the day, if I were even the shadow of a kind and sensitive person. Crud. She legitimately had zero coping ability left, and was doing nothing worse than being impulsively nice to others at my expense. Pooooop! I hate being wrong.

Then this is what you say when you call to apologize.

 

Telling a child to leave the table for having natural pre-teen emotions during a family gathering with their grandmother- What grandmother is going to like that?

 

Not that you can do anything about it now, but it would have been more polite and less upsetting to everyone if you had walked over to your DD, gently whispered in her ear and went with her to discuss the issue. If you couldn't get to her, maybe try "Honey, do you need a moment to yourself? It's ok if you need to step out for a minute." You want to prompt the appropriate social behavior in a way that doesn't heighten the already negative emotion. KWIM?

 

Not that I get this right all the time, I'm a bottle it up until I yell kind of person. Once I hit sensory overload, I am totally incapable of recognizing anyone else's needs. :001_rolleyes:

 

ETA: Apparently at the age of 10, each of my children becomes a weepy, sensitive, irrational mess. It has leveled out for the first one at 15- I HOPE it does for the others as well. I have two of them going through it now and I am 'bout to lose my mind. LOL

Edited May 9, 2016 by MomatHWTK

[maize]

That's kind of you to recognize, but I think you're being a bit hard on yourself. Would you feel better if you just called her and said something like, "I'm sorry about how things went yesterday. I understand that you were just trying to help"?

I think calling and apologizing for being brusque might help everyone feel better. Beating ourselves up over a past mistake doesn't make anything better, the best we can do is acknowledge the mistake, accept our own and others' human imperfections, and move forward with compassion--for others and also ourselves.

 

Happy Mother's Day, bolt. You are clearly a thoughtful and caring person and mom.

[SKL]

Sounds like everyone was stressed out and reacting somewhat unproductively.  Possibly your voice was sharper than you intended as you were feeling defensive.  I agree that it is best to let minor corrections drop (or don't make them at all) around people outside your nuclear family.

 

I might actually consider apologizing to MIL if you feel your voice went outside the good humor range.  Like, you were really stressed out and you feel it must have come through in your voice at the table, and you didn't intend to take out your stress on MIL and you're sorry about it.

 

I have a sister who never seems to stop correcting her kids in gatherings, and it makes most people uncomfortable.  Usually nobody will say anything about it, but there's a lot of cringing and sad feelings for the kids.  And people won't tell her anything if they think she will have a fit on her kids.  My kid has a large scar on her leg from something her kid did; my kid kept quiet because she didn't want her younger cousin to be disciplined harshly.

 

Another comment.  You say "we don't really do 'trouble' we were just working on a skill."  But what you described - calling her out and suggesting she leave the table for crying - sounds like getting in trouble to me.  It probably sounded that way to everyone around the table too.

[gardenmom5]

ah, she's possibly in puberty now & getting hormonal and awkward and self aware. It's an interesting time :)

 

I've been thinking about that with dudeling, as he's showing signs. . . .  I'm not ready.  I'm perimenopausal - I don't want a hormonal tween . . . .

[Tsuga]

That sounds like good hindsight.

 

I only have this hindsight because as a matter of fact, I have done the same as you, only it was with my mom so she just mildly sulked and tried to put on a nice face (because my mom is nice). But I could tell it made her a bit upset.

 

Well, live and learn. You certainly aren't the only one to have done what you did and you won't be the last.  :grouphug:

 

Bolt, I'm sorry your mother's day ended on a sour note. :(

[mamiof5]

I'm so sorry your day ended like this. You mentioned you were barely seating down for supper and dd asked for syrup? I'd have said "not right now. We are still having supper". I don't know... not trying to make you feel worse... but you cooking? Dealing with upset dd over chocolate syrup? Why didn't dh make dinner? I don't ask for much for mother's day, but I do ask for peace, and a little pampering from my family (which means I don't cook). Your kids over indulging on mother's day, you making dinner...I'm not sure I'd have been OK with that :( Hope your evening got better!!

[Tanaqui]

I think it sounds like everybody was just being a little overemotional. It happens. I wouldn't spend too much time dwelling on it tonight - unless your mother-in-law has a history of being weirdly sensitive she'll probably be happy to let it drop once you've all slept on it. (Which isn't to say that you shouldn't apologize if you want to, or if you feel she'll prefer it if you did.)

 

With that said, I will agree with everybody else who has said that big family dinners are not the time to care about what's on your kid's plate (unless they have some sort of medical reason to avoid certain foods, or you're genuinely concerned there won't be enough for everybody). Especially on a holiday! Holidays are supposed to be fun, but they can also be so stressful.

[Corraleno]

Looking for clarification here... I can see that perhaps she thought DD needed defending, which is a good-hearted motive, and that's what I was thinking.

 

Trying to 'lighten things' is also a good hearted motive. If you think it's a potential explaination for what she did, can you explain how that line-of-thought goes? I don't get, "Maybe bolt will feel more lighthearted if I show her that she is wrong." Is it, "Maybe DGD will feel more lighthearted if I prove her mother wrong?" -- if so, I can see that as taking a side, but not as an attempt to 'lighten up' the whole mood... Help me get it?

 

Yeah, I don't equate, "Give bolt the opportunity to admit that she was completely wrong (and I was right)." With "Give bolt a way to save face."

 

 

I think you're misunderstanding your MIL's motives by assuming that her goal was to "prove you wrong" or make you look bad. She noticed that your correction of something extremely trivial had upset your daughter, which likely upset everyone else at the table. She knew that if the child ended up being sent to her room in tears, the dinner would be pretty much ruined for everyone. So she was trying to spare you the discomfort and embarrassment of a ruined dinner and help both you and DD save face. But instead of recognizing that you were overreacting with DD, you also overreacted to your MIL and left her embarrassed and teary-eyed as well.

 

Honestly, if I realized that I'd inadvertently upset and embarrassed DD in front of extended family at a holiday dinner, I'd have tried to fix it as quickly as possible, not make it worse by sending her to her room. 

 

DD: May I have some syrup on my cake?

Me: OK, but just a little.

DD: <pours on too much syrup>

Me: Oops, that's more than a little bit!

DD: <upset and embarrassed, starts to tear up>

Me: It's OK, sweetie, it's just syrup — no big deal. <wipes away tears, kisses cheek>

Everyone goes back to eating.

[Seasider]

Oh man, if I ever have grandkids, I'm going to be that grandma. The one that laughs, grabs the syrup and pours on even more. Grandmas are for spoiling and sneaking extra candies and helping you wiggle out of trouble. If a grandchild of mine is close to tears in front of me, in the type of situation you described, I would have leapt to intervene. I'd probably leap to intervene for a stranger child.

 

anyone who is in tears is in trouble - emotionally in trouble....

Well, yeah, but...a supportive properly-intervening gramma would have said, oh, I would be happy to eat that piece, you can have another and get the amount just right. Something like that, kinda solving the problem or smoothing things out without taking one side over the other.

[madteaparty]

I think maybe it wasn't about the syrup. It sounded like it hadn't been a great day and it all came to a head. Sorry it was such a rough day :(

Edited May 9, 2016 by madteaparty

[Seasider]

Hmm I think this would have made things worse.

Of course. It's just one of those replies you think of after the fact that might have felt good to say, even though you know you wouldn't.

[Liz CA]

I don't think it is your fault that MIL walked out, I think you set an appropriate boundary and she overreacted.

 

The one thing you might consider in the future is backing off a bit from parenting mode during a celebratory gathering. It is awkward for a child to be corrected in the presence of guests, and most things just don't matter so much that they must be dealt with at that time.

 

This. Praise in public. Admonish in private. Some guests feel awkward if "disciplining" is going on in front of them, especially those who have poor boundaries and/or dislike conflict on any kind.

[Seasider]

I didn't exactly know that telling her she had taken more syrup than she should have would make her cry. We're hitting new development (11.5) and I'm finding her unpredictably weepy. In a few more weeks I'll probably be better. (A comment like that wouldn't have made her cry a month ago.)

 

I'm really feeling defensive. All I mean is that I wouldn't have said it either, if I had the slightest idea it would result in tears. It's also 'not normal' for me to make comments (on purpose) that make kids teary in front of others.

If it makes you feel any better, I've got one like that, too. She is a generally happy child but the tears can spill on a dime, sometimes for a very slight reason. We have had talks about hormones, about not using tears to get someone to change their mind about something, and about how parents do need to be able to still instruct preteens/teens, even though they're not little kids anymore, and that the child needs to maintain a teachable spirit. But man, those conversations were delicate!

 

I agree to the pox on Mother's Day. It's like walking an emotional minefield for 80% of the population.

[Carrie12345]

I didn't exactly know that telling her she had taken more syrup than she should have would make her cry. We're hitting new development (11.5) and I'm finding her unpredictably weepy. In a few more weeks I'll probably be better. (A comment like that wouldn't have made her cry a month ago.)

 

I'm really feeling defensive. All I mean is that I wouldn't have said it either, if I had the slightest idea it would result in tears. It's also 'not normal' for me to make comments (on purpose) that make kids teary in front of others.

 

Oh, the joy of tweens!

 

I get that you couldn't have anticipated dd's reaction.  I'm guessing no one else anticipated any part of the exchange.  When I read " I told her it was too much and she got teary. I said that if she thought I made a mistake (about the amount of syrup) she should tell me so, but if she needed to cry she should leave the table," it comes off as very harsh for the circumstances.  It isn't as if she could have put any back.  I would be very uncomfortable witnessing it.  

 

Since you opened the door to be corrected, it seems as if your MIL was trying to do just that on your dd's behalf and show you both that there was no need for discipline OR tears.

 

Of course, I'm sure I've made plenty of innocent moments uncomfortable over the years with my own kids and extended family members!

[marbel]

As a kid, I'd have been in tears if my mother had chastised me in front of people.  I'd have been so embarrassed I probably would have gone to my room as soon as I could and stayed there till everyone went home.

 

Now Bolt, I don't know your daughter (as you know, duh) so I don't know if she would react the same way.  We can all say your MIL overreacted, or you were too harsh, or there are boundary issues, but we don't know that.  We are all bringing our experience and even baggage into this conversation. 

 

:grouphug: Would you feel better if you called MIL and apologized?  "Man, yesterday didn't work out at all the way I'd hoped.  Sorry I was a little crazy with you and DD over the syrup. I sure didn't mean for you to feel you had to leave!"

 

But also, I'm curious what your husband thinks of the whole thing.   You don't have to respond, of course.  I think in the same situation my husband would be annoyed at both me and his mom. 

[OhanaBee]

Everyone on here has good words of advice, so I won't add to that.

 

Bolt, I only want to say that I could totally see that situation playing out in my house.  Totally.  (((hugs)))

[Ausmumof3]

I didn't exactly know that telling her she had taken more syrup than she should have would make her cry. We're hitting new development (11.5) and I'm finding her unpredictably weepy. In a few more weeks I'll probably be better. (A comment like that wouldn't have made her cry a month ago.)

 

I'm really feeling defensive. All I mean is that I wouldn't have said it either, if I had the slightest idea it would result in tears. It's also 'not normal' for me to make comments (on purpose) that make kids teary in front of others.

I have a younger dd 7 who cries very readily and I may have responded like you. Because she is not a kid who gets it quietly under control she tends to escalate. And yes you realise sometimes as soon as you've said something that it was the worst mistake but it's so hard because on a normal day it wouldn't have bothered them.

 

I also do correct my kids at dinner at sometimes because some situations really only arise then. Like for example maybe there is only just enough sauce for everyone and an adult would assess and go easy but a kid might not realise. My dd might loudly ask for more meat or something rude when there's just enough to go around due to unexpected extras. She needs to learn that's inconsiderate but the situation doesn't often pop up in a family dinner scenario. She is also a kid that needs to be told stuff like that over and over and won't take a gentle hint to shh.

 

I do tend to be a bit black and white with my kids and struggle with social graces.

 

I do remember as a tween I really hated anything that made me feel like a kid in public.

Edited May 9, 2016 by Ausmumof3

[marbel]

Years ago someone was kind enough to tell me how she manages kids and company and food.  "Family Hold Back."   Kids are taught from an early age to be extra mindful of their portions and such when company is over -  whether company is grandma and aunts, or people outside the family.  I will still sometimes say "OK, guys, FHB!" as a quick reminder before people are coming over.  It's not really a problem with my kids at their ages.  But it was helpful when they were younger. 

[Ausmumof3]

Years ago someone was kind enough to tell me how she manages kids and company and food. "Family Hold Back." Kids are taught from an early age to be extra mindful of their portions and such when company is over - whether company is grandma and aunts, or people outside the family. I will still sometimes say "OK, guys, FHB!" as a quick reminder before people are coming over. It's not really a problem with my kids at their ages. But it was helpful when they were younger.

I love this. I'm going to teach this this week as we have a party coming up. I try to tell them to visualise how much there is and make sure they are not taking up more than their share but they are kids and that's a hard thing.

[The Girls' Mom]

((Hugs)) It sounds like it was a stressful day for everyone.  Everyone had high emotions from stress, pre-teens can be notoriously teary (I had a couple that would cry if you looked at them sideways), and Mother's Day expectations/memories/emotions just suck sometimes.  It was the perfect storm.  

 

I'd call MIL and apologize for hurting her feelings, and explain that you were stressed too.  Then let it all go.  

[38carrots]

Are there really people in the world who would be "lightened" to learn that they had made their child cry in front of an audience by correcting the child *in error* when the child had done nothing wrong?

 

Juat that simple: if the child did nothing wrong, then there is nothing wrong -- pass the cake?

 

It would be nice to be that kind of a person.

 

My guess is she wanted to lighten it up for her grandchild. :tongue_smilie: Sometimes it is not all about us, the moms.

[Bluegoat]

My dd is the same age and sometimes cries unexpectedly and inexplicably.

 

I think rather than telling her she needed to go away, I might have either said she can be excused if she wants to, or maybe gone with her for a few moments and just had a quiet talk, and told her she could wait until she was ready to come back to the table.

 

As far as the origial syrup issue I think I'd have left it with 'watch out for the syrup" and left it at that.  I also rarely if ever correct my kids in front of other people. 

 

My reading is that your MIL was looking to keep the situation from escalating, probably mainly for your daughter's benefit.  She probably hoped you would say something like "Oh, that is less than I thought, let's all carry on."  It might not have been the best way to accomplish that, but sometimes it is not easy to say the right thing at the moment, and I suspect many people would have done something similar.  There can be a pretty strong internal pressure to diffuse akward social interactions.

 

[PrairieSong]

It sounds like lots of emotions were simmering just under the surface for everyone, and it came to a head. I'm sorry it ended badly. I'd probably apologize to my daughter for making her cry in front of everyone, and apologize to my MIL for being harsh with her. I'd also think about how I should change going forward. Remind kids before company comes over not to take overly large portions? Remind myself to let small things go, especially in front of other people? And most importantly, give some grace to others as well as myself. We all have times when we say or do the wrong thing, or in the wrong way. It sounds like MIL was having a stressful day to begin with, so no wonder she overreacted. {{{hugs}}} Do what you think will be most helpful and then let it go.

[zoobie]

I thought leaving the room when you need to cry was a normal social skill. Can you tell me what's a more typical response?

For my sensitive DS, pointing out that he is about to cry will make him cry harder and exacerbate the situation. Especially if it's said where others can hear it. If he's able to take a few deep breaths, he can pull it together and regroup. He realizes that up and leaving often creates a bigger scene and draws more attention and embarrasses him more.

 

I think your MIL made it about her and trying to prove you wrong, which is not how another adult should inject himself in such a situation. If I were trying to distract a parent who was being really harsh (not that you were, but I've been around parents who were stressed and overreacting correcting kids because they can't control anything else about the situation), I might interrupt with an inane question like excuse me can you point me to the forks? I need a fresh one. Or oh can I help you make coffee or... Or tell the kid quietly after the correction that I really like chocolate sauce too and wow it pours out faster than you think, doesn't it? And ask a distracting question about what book she's reading or...

Edited May 9, 2016 by zoobie

[Annie G]

As a grandmother who occasionally doesn't agree with the way kids are chastised, I'll disagree with how your MIL handled it.   My issue is not with my dd but with my son in law, who I think is sometimes quick to chastise the kids.  But here's the thing- I don't know what's going on day to day or what might have happened before I got there, or in your case, whether chocolate syrup was an ongoing issue or something. 

 

So even though it hurts my heart to see a child chastised, calling out the parent isn't my place.  When it happens and I need to lighten the mood, I just move forward and talk to the kids as if it never happened. Make it forgotten.   

 

Now, that's not to say that I don't struggle with it because I do. I saw our grands a couple of weeks ago and twice during that week I disagreed with son in law's words to the kids.  But I stayed out of it.   Dd and sil fiercely love their kids and each other and the kids love their parents.  We're not talking about a parent who crosses the line and is endangering the kids...it's chocolate syrup.  Not a hill I want to die on.  

 

Bolt, you probably wish you could redo that scene....I hope your MIL feels the same way. 

[MinivanMom]

*snip*

I think your MIL made it about her and trying to prove you wrong, which is not how another adult should inject himself in such a situation. If I were trying to distract a parent who was being really harsh (not that you were, but I've been around parents who were stressed and overreacting correcting kids because they can't control anything ear about the situation), I might interrupt with an inane question like excuse me can you point me to the forks? I need a fresh one. Or oh can I help you make coffee or... Or tell the kid quietly after the correction that I really like chocolate sauce too and wow it pours out faster than you think, doesn't it? And ask a distracting question about what book she's reading or...

 

I agree with this. I'm having a hard time seeing how MIL was trying to help granddaughter or protect her feelings.

 

If MIL was really concerned about granddaughter's feelings in the moment, then she would never have stormed out. That is terribly childish behavior. She took an awkward situation and made it a 1000 times more dramatic. If I were the granddaughter, I would have been a little embarrassed at being corrected, but I would have been devastated and mortified if my grandmother stormed out on Mother's Day. Poor little girl! I hope everyone has apologized to her, grandma included.

[bolt.]

For those of you wondering why my DH wasn't cooking or directing the children in various mom-affirming activities: DH suffers chronic debilitating migraines.

 

These are triggered by many things, but the most frequent and relevant trigger is weekends. His body reacts to the message of 'work over' in a way that provokes severe migraines. This has been the case for years. I didn't have any expectations of him, and my kids think this is normal.

 

This is one of the 'things' I sometimes forget MIL is dealing with... I get caught up in, "My DH has a debilitating chronic illness that doesn't make space for Mother's Day" -- headspace; so I forget that, "My son has a debilitating chronic illness that doesn't make space for Mother's Day" -- is kind of an intense feeling too.

 

Plus, MIL now thinks his migraines are extremely threatening because one of her sisters (a) suffered migraines, and (b) died from suicide fairly recently. So now she connects the two ideas. (And occasionally wants to tell me about it. Which, let me tell you, is not a fun conversation to try and 'be supportive' through.)

[bolt.]

Ok, script me away from a bad apology...

 

My first thought:

 

"I'm sorry things went badly (?) on Mother's Day. I know you were just trying to help. (Even though I still wish you hadn't tried to step in,) I'm definitely sorry I didn't react more sensitively, or respect (?) your feelings as well as I should have."

[vonfirmath]

I thought leaving the room when you need to cry was a normal social skill. Can you tell me what's a more typical response?

 

Agreed. This is exactly what we do when DD is crying. (And not hurt). She's welcome to cry in her room and rejoin when she's ready. SOmetimes she leaves to cry. Sometimes she'd rather stay and pulls herself together.

[zoobie]

Ok, script me away from a bad apology...

 

My first thought:

 

"I'm sorry things went badly (?) on Mother's Day. I know you were just trying to help. (Even though I still wish you hadn't tried to step in,) I'm definitely sorry I didn't react more sensitively, or respect (?) your feelings as well as I should have."

 

I'd apologize to my DD but not my MIL. She overstepped boundaries and had a childish tantrum and left. No way in heck would I give that any kind of reinforcement, positive or negative.

[bolt.]

It seems more likely that she too was taught that she needed to leave the table if she was going to cry.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I avoid correcting my kids in those circumstances unless it is very bad.  I think potentially it can make everyone feel uncomfortable.  This is not to say I think you did something terrible, but I can imagine your MIL feeling uncomfortable and feeling the need to defend.

 

 

[AnnE-girl]

I'm honestly more bothered by your MIL's interference. Grandparents stepping in when parents are correcting their children sends the message to the kids that their parents are wrong and can be over-ruled by grandparents. I think it has the potential to be more damaging to the parent-child relationship than a gentle correction in front of others. And a grandma who dumped extra chocolate syrup on top when I had already said it was too much wouldn't be seeing my kids for a long time. What an unhealthy dynamic to set up that your mom is wrong and mean (and probably trying to prevent an even worse sugar crash) but grandma will come in and save you from having to listen to mean old mom.

[Happy]

As a grandmother who occasionally doesn't agree with the way kids are chastised, I'll disagree with how your MIL handled it.   My issue is not with my dd but with my son in law, who I think is sometimes quick to chastise the kids.  But here's the thing- I don't know what's going on day to day or what might have happened before I got there, or in your case, whether chocolate syrup was an ongoing issue or something. 

 

So even though it hurts my heart to see a child chastised, calling out the parent isn't my place.  When it happens and I need to lighten the mood, I just move forward and talk to the kids as if it never happened. Make it forgotten.   

 

Now, that's not to say that I don't struggle with it because I do. I saw our grands a couple of weeks ago and twice during that week I disagreed with son in law's words to the kids.  But I stayed out of it.   Dd and sil fiercely love their kids and each other and the kids love their parents.  We're not talking about a parent who crosses the line and is endangering the kids...it's chocolate syrup.  Not a hill I want to die on.  

 

Bolt, you probably wish you could redo that scene....I hope your MIL feels the same way. 

I agree with this. The day I became a grandparent, I pledged to do whatever I could to support and encourage the parent/child relationship. So if little Sweetness is over here and mom says she has had too many sweets today, no more. I might sigh, but I move on. We go play with the fairies in the fairy garden or with the dog instead of making cookies. I love indulging that little gal, but I do not want to spoil her. I want her to have manners, respect, and joy.

 

What works for the child in the OP case--a quiet, private talk rather than a public correction---can also work with adult children who are parents. Maybe after dinner when things are quiet, I MIGHT say something like....have you ever thought of this, etc.?

 

Mother's Day is a super emotional day. I'm SO GLAD it's done for the year.

 

Parenting is a lot of on the job training--

[elegantlion]

Ok, script me away from a bad apology...

 

My first thought:

 

"I'm sorry things went badly (?) on Mother's Day. I know you were just trying to help. (Even though I still wish you hadn't tried to step in,) I'm definitely sorry I didn't react more sensitively, or respect (?) your feelings as well as I should have."

 

I'm sorry you all had a trying day. I would apologize to MIL. If she recently lost a child to suicide, the whole day had to be horrible emotionally without any inciting incident. I would not discount your family's loss and grief as being a factor. 

 

I would probably email because I hate confrontational phone calls, but also as a way for her to have time to process a response. I would maybe add a lunch invitation if you two normally get along as a way to clear the air in person. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I was telling DD not to use too much chocolate syrup, but she did use a generous amount of syrup. I told her it was too much and she got teary. I said that if she thought I made a mistake (about the amount of syrup) she should tell me so, but if she needed to cry she should leave the table.

 

I would expect this to be completely normal in 'feel' with just the family at the table, but crushingly embarrassing with company there hearing it all.  I would not have done it.  If I felt strongly enough about extra chocolate syrup, I would have asked her to join me in the kitchen to talk about it in private.

 

MIL kind heartedly wanted to "defend" DD. MIL thought DD was getting in trouble. (She wasn't; we don't really do 'trouble' we were just working on a skill. The mood was supportive and collaborative.) MIL said that there wasn't that much chocolate sauce, and when I continued to supportively focus on my DD. She picked up DD's plate and held it out to show me.

 

She shouldn't have done this, but I understand the impulse.  

 

Now, I wasn't about to argue the fine shades of chocolate sauce serving size with my MIL, so I said instead that I didn't need her to interfere, and asked her (probably firmly?) to please put the plate back in front of DD.

 

To me, this is an extremely rude overreaction.  You simply don't tell an adult what to do in public, ever.  'I don't need you to interfere' is very insulting.  Following that up with 'Please put the plate back in front of DD' takes it  much further.  This is the point where things got extreme.

 

She put the plate back, announced in a teary/abrupt/offended voice to her DH that they were leaving, and swiftly exited. My DH followed them and returned shortly. The table was kinda shocked. DD didn't look up the whole time, or for about 20 min afterwards.

 

I think that leaving is pretty much all she could do--it seems like she was about to start crying.  However, it was rude of her to announce it.  That made things which were already quite awkward that much more awkward for all of those present.  She should have left quietly.

 

 

OK, so what to do next time.

 

First, if I felt that strongly about the amount of syrup, I would dish it out myself when company was present.  If I let DD dish it out, and she took too much, I would correct her later in private.  My inclination would be to allow more leeway in a celebratory environment, though, and not to bring it up at all.  In general, I would strictly avoid correcting DD in front of others as that is inordinately embarrassing, especially at that age.  Same principle as if a kid doesn't get dressed you take them to school naked.  Can you do that at age 3?  Maybe, although I would argue that you shouldn't.  Can you do it at age 5?  Absolutely not--it's the same action but completely and clearly OTT at that age.  It's the same with correction in front of company.

 

Second, if I were MIL instead of undermining you (which she should NOT have done), I would have distracted DD with a change of subject or something like that.  That would have been a better choice for her.

 

Third, if presented with someone showing me my kid's plate, I would have been pretty mad, but I would also have avoided showing it, again in public because there are so many guests present.  I would think of them as well as of the 'issue'.  I might have said, "Well, it looks like you love chocolate as much as DD does!  Something you have in common!"  and then changed the subject, because I would already have realized that I had inadvertently embarrassed my own daughter in front of her extended family, and I would have been looking for a graceful way to divert things.  I HATE having my authority challenged in my own house with my own kids, but for a special occasion with guests I think that turning the convo in a different direction, and if necessary addressing things later, would be more appropriate.  

Edited May 9, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[SKL]

Years ago someone was kind enough to tell me how she manages kids and company and food.  "Family Hold Back."   Kids are taught from an early age to be extra mindful of their portions and such when company is over -  whether company is grandma and aunts, or people outside the family.  I will still sometimes say "OK, guys, FHB!" as a quick reminder before people are coming over.  It's not really a problem with my kids at their ages.  But it was helpful when they were younger. 

 

Just did this yesterday at my parents' house.  We brought a cheesecake.  One cheesecake.  Usually we're the only visitors, and my dad's a diabetic, so if I bring too much, I feel like I'm forcing my dad to eat something that's bad for him.  But of course I was not sure how much everyone would want, so I told my kids they each get one small piece and all leftovers go to Grandma.  Turns out my youngest forgot, and I had to remind her.  Luckily I was able to do this without embarrassing anyone.  Then again, she's 9yo.  If she were 11, she might have cried.  :P  As it was, my other 9yo was secretly pinching me for talking about her missing homework mishaps, in what I thought was good humor.

[Sk8ermaiden]

I think you're misunderstanding your MIL's motives by assuming that her goal was to "prove you wrong" or make you look bad. She noticed that your correction of something extremely trivial had upset your daughter, which likely upset everyone else at the table. She knew that if the child ended up being sent to her room in tears, the dinner would be pretty much ruined for everyone. So she was trying to spare you the discomfort and embarrassment of a ruined dinner and help both you and DD save face. But instead of recognizing that you were overreacting with DD, you also overreacted to your MIL and left her embarrassed and teary-eyed as well.

 

 

 

Maybe *your* MIL would have pure motives in that exchange. Mine would absolutely have been trying to be "right" in the situation, even if it came at the cost of making her granddaughter 10x more upset. Which sounds about like what the OP's MIL did as well. A grandparent who wants to smooth over the situation will try to ask the kid (or someone else if the kid needs a minute) about some cool thing they recently did, or tell a joke...They don't start an argument with the parent - I have never seen that make a situation better. It certainly won't make DD less upset. 

[SKL]

Agreed. This is exactly what we do when DD is crying. (And not hurt). She's welcome to cry in her room and rejoin when she's ready. SOmetimes she leaves to cry. Sometimes she'd rather stay and pulls herself together.

 

Leaving to cry is one thing.  Being essentially sent out of the room for crying is another.

 

If I felt my child needed to leave the room in that situation, I would have gotten up and gently led her away saying sweet words so nobody would think she was getting more of my bad side in the other room.  We'd talk gently (in private) about how it's OK to cry but best to leave the room for a little while when you do (since others will be distressed by it), and come back when you feel better so people know you're OK.  That would also give me a chance to let her know that I didn't mean to make a huge deal out of the chocolate and it's over and I'm not even thinking about chocolate sauce any more.  Kiss, hug, assure her she's welcome to return as soon as she's ready, and then go back and join the group.

 

Of course it would be better to have that conversation before the crying happens, but hormonal tweens are unpredictable.

Edited May 9, 2016 by SKL

[SKL]

It seems more likely that she too was taught that she needed to leave the table if she was going to cry.

 

That is actually a good point.  She had a rough day.  I'd do something to try to make the memory a little less harsh.  Even though I probably wouldn't have liked her arguing with me about my parental correction at the table.  :)  I am sure she got that message and will think twice before she did it again.  But I don't feel it's all on her in this case.

[TammyS]

.

 

I was probably abrupt, and 'interfere' was a poor word choice (I meant intervene)... But really. Drama, much?

 

 

 

Interfere was the right word.  It was a relatively minor interference, but that's definitely what it was.

 

As to what you should do differently?  Don't include drama people in your holidays unless you decide ahead of time to sacrifice the holiday.  Seriously.

 

[Bluegoat]

I think as far as an apology, i would just say something like "I'm so sorry I snapped at you yesterday.  I was feeling over-stressed and was over-reacting to small things.  And poor dd seem to have hair-trigger emotions these days which keeps surprising me."

[SKL]

On the question of what MIL could have done better:  usually I diffuse such situations by cheerfully telling the child that I've made that mistake too before, whoops!  It doesn't say the parent is wrong, but it tells the child she has not lost the opinion of those she cares about.

[Wheres Toto]

I think the issue needs to be addressed several steps back - you shouldn't need to cry unless you're a baby or a toddler. A school aged child should not be put in a situation where they're crying, esp in front of people outside the immediate family. 

 

A grieving adult might excuse themselves. A teen going through a tough break up might excuse themselves. 

 

But if wouldn't be normal for me to say things that would make a kid teary in front of others. 

 

I don't think this is necessarily true.  I sometimes cry for no reason (I usually go off by myself since I hate crying in front of anyone).   Especially in tweens/teens I think sometimes just feeling like crying, or crying over something very silly, is not that unusual.   I tell all my kids there's nothing wrong with crying, even if it's over something silly.  But, often it's better to go somewhere quiet, away from others so it doesn't get blown out of proportion or prolonged (or you get accused of manipulation - BTDT).

 

Anyway, sounds like it wasn't a big deal and should have just been dropped but MIL's interference brought more attention to it than just letting it go.

 

My MIL loves getting involved in correcting the kids, often right after we've said something.  Lucky for me, dh is very good at telling her (nicely) that he will address any concerns with his family when he's there.