Being a better wife...prepping lunches, encouraging and making sure he has what he needs

[momee]

I'm feeling greatly convicted about putting my care of the kids over my care of my man.

 

It's not intentional, but it is my lack of intentionality that's the problem.

 

I just meet the loudest need, and his are much quieter than the kids' though no less important.

 

So some areas I need to step it up in are private and not things ladies discuss on a public forum ;)

but some I can use some housewife advice on...

 

 

I know he's said a couple times about his t-shirts and regular shirts having a dingy collar, bleach isn't doing it.

Throw them out more often or is it a laundry issue?  I bought new ones, but they quickly get armpit and collar stains...

 

I'd also like to have his lunch made - he's on a diet and lunch is very tough for him to reign in.  Have a manly, efficient lunchbox to recommend?  He's in a business district, not a construction site if that helps.

 

Date suggestions that don't involve food?

 

And finally, what are some ways you encourage your dude?

 

edited cuz...

Edited May 1, 2016 by momee

[prairiewindmomma]

Dh uses something like this, in black and grey. http://www.amazon.com/Coleman-3000001317-Can-Cooler-Blue/dp/B006HFC5F0/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1462113637&sr=8-3&keywords=men%27s+lunch+box

 

Note the "frequently bought together items".

 

Dh can easily take a large salad with protein, some fruit, and other bulky food things along with some snacks for the day.

 

 

[Guest]

1-- May I advise you to put jawm or something in your title?

 

2--MeUndies

 

3--Start with new shirts and start using enzymes on the new ones

 

4-- go karts, paintball, shooting, bowling, movies, hikes, batting cages (these are all things I drag my DH to LOL...he'd rather eat out)......basically do something YOU want to do one date, something he'd like to do for the next.

 

 

 

[sarasue7272]

Undershirts- the Hanes/fruit of the loom level doesn't last. They shrink, get twisted, and look bad. A step up is target merona brand and old navy. They have been a lot better than Hanes. I bought Costco a few weeks ago. They are even better, haven't shrunk and look great about 2 months in.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Don't know what his diet is like, but what I do is make extra for dinner so that there are leftovers.  We both eat that for lunch.  Sometimes I pack that up as I'm wrapping stuff up to put in the fridge.  Sometimes I don't because on some nights I'm not even home at dinner time.  So in that case he does it.  But either way the food is there ready to go.  My husband hates to cook and wants nothing to do with food prep of any kind.  Left to his own devices I think he'd live on cheese and bread.  But I don't feel like he is being unfair because he does some stuff for me simply because I hate doing it and not that I could not do it.  So I don't mind doing this for him.

 

I have no advice on the rest of it. We don't go on a lot of dates, but we are both introverted home bodies.  Our idea of a good time is playing board games or cards.  So we do that a lot. 

[Spryte]

Undershirts- the Hanes/fruit of the loom level doesn't last. They shrink, get twisted, and look bad. A step up is target merona brand and old navy. They have been a lot better than Hanes. I bought Costco a few weeks ago. They are even better, haven't shrunk and look great about 2 months in.

Costco all the way. They stay nice.

[HomeAgain]

Dates:

Museum

Geocaching

Board game

Hiking

Roller skating

Bicycling

Town event (ours does various things throughout the month)

Art class

Dh and I date several mornings and evenings a week. :)  We get up, have time to focus on just each other before going about our day.  Our evening rule kicks everyone else out of the living room at 8pm.  I don't care if they go to sleep, but they can't stay there.  That is our time to pull out the Scrabble board, talk, or watch a show together.  The daily connection makes it easier when we can't get out of the house together, and it emphasizes that our relationship is important - both to us and the kids.

I cannot help you in the kitchen.  That is another together area. :)  Dh cooks, DS2 is sous chef, DS1 does dishes, and I tidy.  Dh and I shop and plan together.  It's easier on each of us if we take the jobs we like best and excel at them.

[LucyStoner]

Well, shirts. My husband's favorite undershirts are banana republic pima cotton. I asked him since he does his own shopping for the most part. I do the laundry because he has little free time. I appreciate that they are thick and they wash clean. Use a good detergent, not homemade laundry soap on them.

 

My husband puts his lunch containers in his work bag, no specific lunch box. If he's not taking a bag, I throw his lunch into a grocery sack. Lunch is usually dinner leftovers and fruit but my husband is not on a diet. Salads with lots of protein are good but send the dressing in a separate container.

 

Dates- I agree alternating is a good idea. We both like skating, movies, bookstores, hiking and simple stuff like that. Cheap is also good for our budget right now.

Edited May 1, 2016 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

Encouragement? Well I married him.

 

He knows I am supportive of his goals and plans and vice versa. Because he has ADD I help him by reminding him of his study times (he is in college in addition to working basically FT).

[MeghansMom]

Once in a while I put notes of encouragement in his lunch box. I switch it up putting certain favorites in his lunch too.

 

He works two jobs and goes to college part time, so I make sure to have as many chores and errands done as possible by myself and our daughter. Her schoolwork too.

 

We also let him know we are appreciative of this hard work.

 

We hardly have time together as a family, much less as a couple but it is May and his vacation and personal time starts over so he has over a month of paid time. He is taking the 12th, 13th and 14th off. He will go to Meg's AHG Court of Awards on Thursday, and then Friday and Saturday we will go to Artisphere. He takes summers off from school, so we have family game nights, movies, etc. We will go see my parents in July for a few days and possibly be able to go out to dinner then. When we save up enough hotel points (and hopefully tickets for Christmas from her grandparents ;) ) we may go to Disney World. She figured out she was not to grown for Disney this past October. :p

 

I make plenty of his favorites for dinner, when he needs something clothes or toiletry wise, I will be sure to have it before hand, etc.

 

Father's day, birthday, and Christmas, I try to gift him things he wants...

 

I guess I am not much help. I just try to be thoughtful and caring.

 

He has a Steelers insulated lunch box and does not wear undershirts with his work dress shirts.

 

We like to go downtown a lot, rarely do we go to the mall.

Edited May 1, 2016 by MeghansMom

[SemiSweet]

For lunches dh usually takes leftovers, whoever cleans up dinner will usually pack it right then, so all he has to do is a few snacks in the morning and he's ready to go.  At dinner he chops, grates, shreds, etc, while I cook.  We usually put on some music and enjoy each other's company while we do that, sometimes with kids around, sometimes they are off doing their own things.  For dates, I love walking around old towns, but we are big foodies so that almost always includes dinner or lunch in a local restaurant.  As far as being enough, ask him.  I'm a big fan of free and open communication, so if I feel like I'm lacking somewhere, I'll ask him.  He usually doesn't notice or care, but when he does, I try to take it to heart and really hear him.

[TammyS]

The bleach might actually be making the stains worse.  Bleaches tend to oxidize metals in your water (is your shower/sinks rusty stained?) and will turn things yellow.  You can trying bluing to make it better.  The best thing is to have him switch his deodorant.  That's the real culprit.  Get him to try a spray on instead of a stick. 

 

Though, honestly, I don't really care if undershirts are a little yellow in the pits. No one sees them.

[regentrude]

Our non-food dates: hiking, rock climbing, canoeing, museum, concert, theatre.

To be honest, I'd never consider anything a "date" - just things we do together.

 

I see a big difference between my DH's needs and the children's needs: children have to rely on adult to have their needs met. Adults are perfectly capable of taking their own action. Anything a spouse does is a nice gesture, but my DH is perfectly capable of feeding himself and selecting his own underwear.

 

Encouragement? I take his work seriously and his interests. I don't gripe if he works while home on weekends. He does not need "encouragement". He needs me to accept him as he is.

Edited May 1, 2016 by regentrude

[MedicMom]

Our non-food dates: hiking, rock climbing, canoeing, museum, concert, theatre.

To be honest, I'd never consider anything a "date" - just things we do together.

 

I see a big difference between my DH's needs and the children's needs: children have to rely on adult to have their needs met. Adults are perfectly capable of taking their own action. Anything a spouse does is a nice gesture, but my DH is perfectly capable of feeding himself and selecting his own underwear.

 

Encouragement? I take his work seriously and his interests. I don't gripe if he works while home on weekends. He does not need "encouragement". He needs me to accept him as he is.

Yep. He has a truck and a wallet and he knows where the store is. I don't pack lunch for him. If he wants lunch the leftovers are in the fridge. He's a grown man and I'm not his mommy.

 

As far as encouragement---I guess I don't know what you mean. I support his goals and his dreams and try to help him come up with ways to achieve those. He is a hard worker and a good provider and I tell him how much I appreciate those qualities. He also does most of our cooking and I tell him I appreciate that as well.

 

But it's not my job to make sure he has what he needs. It's my job to make sure my children have what they need. DH is not a child.

[creekland]

Our marriage works out much better when I'm a partner/wife and not a mom to my hubby.

 

We listen to each other's day, celebrating the highs and offering hugs or sympathy for the vents.

 

We go on walks together, we do chores together (sometimes - other times we divide and conquer).  We watch TV or movies together.  Many times we'll cook or otherwise prepare food together.  We tend to alternate cleaning up the kitchen.

 

We vacation together from day trips to much longer vacations.

 

I do our bills, he does our taxes.  I do laundry (no help here as he doesn't wear undershirts).  He takes care of the vehicles.

 

We each prepare our own breakfasts (always) and lunch (if I'm working), but I'll wash grapes or something for him if I'm washing them for myself (to take to school).

 

We tend to shop for clothes together.  Heck, now that our kids are grown we also tend to shop for food together and call it a date.  We work in our garden together.

 

We parented together when our kids were young (50/50 on who changed diapers or helped kids with their baths).

 

In short... for us... marriage is about life together.  We really, really enjoy it.  Sharing each other's life is what gives both of us encouragement. 

 

YMMV

[Pegasus]

 I'm... not a mom to my hubby.

 

 

 

I'm not sure I understand the comments like this one in this thread.  How is being considerate and doing things for your spouse parenting them?  If my DH cooks me dinner when I could do it myself, he is not treating me like a child, but showing his love and caring for me.

 

DH and I do things for one another all the time.  I'd hate to live in a house where each adult has to do everything for him/herself.

[Soror]

No suggestions on under clothes, dh just goes for Hanes I think, he buys his own.

 

My dh just takes a tupperware dish for lunch, no box. Usually it is leftovers- I *try* to keep some frozen stuff for when I don't have any. I generally make healthy meals so lunches are healthy leftovers- IMO that is the easiest way. Otherwise I would batch cook- not sure his diet but you can buy a big pack of chicken breast or pork chops in the oven and make a batch of veggies- Viola easy peasy. 

 

Our favorite dates are active dates- kayaking-biking-hiking-rock climbing or catching a movie(on the rare chance there is something decent showing). Really think of anything that sounds fun to do. We went to Go Ape for our Anniversary last year I think- it is ziplines and playing in trees in such, a few years back we did a 10 mi hike and this year I'm planning either a long hike(maybe 17 mi- for our 17th anniversary) or actual tree climbing. We've enjoyed rollerskating and bowling before although they aren't really our thing. Any kind of event for something we are interested in- would totally do Comic Con or something else like that if there was a local event. We both would love to hit an escape room place like Mastermind Room Escape. We aren't huge theater people but we've enjoyed some shows. There are also music performances both big and small. Keep an ear out to events and just pick something that piques your interest and go for it.

Edited May 1, 2016 by soror

[creekland]

I'm not sure I understand the comments like this one in this thread.  How is being considerate and doing things for your spouse parenting them?  If my DH cooks me dinner when I could do it myself, he is not treating me like a child, but showing his love and caring for me.

 

DH and I do things for one another all the time.  I'd hate to live in a house where each adult has to do everything for him/herself.

 

I think the main difference is "doing things for each other."  Wives/husbands do that (in general anyway).  It goes both ways and how it splits depends upon the individuals involved.

 

When it gets more one-sided (as it did in many 50s era TV shows for a stereotype) it really seems more like mothering than partnering.  I think that's also why we ended up with phrases like "The old ball and chain" as it relates to marriage and why many guys felt the need to escape to a bar or similar.  Husbands were feeling parented in their marriage more than partnering and it got old after a short while.

 

My guy likes it a lot better when we're partners.  So do I.  He was raised in a household where his mom pretty much mothered his dad (at home).  His dad did many things to escape to places where he could be an adult.  He could cook (as he wanted) in the Hunt Club. He could buy the clothing and supplies he wanted for hunting - choosing for himself.  He didn't get to do that at home.  (That's just one example, of course.)

[Katy]

I find it helps to make a lunch for DH as I'm cooking dinner.  I dish it up & hide it in the fridge before I announce dinner is ready.  That way there are always good leftovers ready for lunch.  I also set up the coffee maker the night before.

[HomeAgain]

I'm not sure I understand the comments like this one in this thread.  How is being considerate and doing things for your spouse parenting them?  If my DH cooks me dinner when I could do it myself, he is not treating me like a child, but showing his love and caring for me.

 

DH and I do things for one another all the time.  I'd hate to live in a house where each adult has to do everything for him/herself.

 

I think it comes down to perspective.

 

Dh and I do things for each other in a reciprocating manner.  There are personal things that I couldn't imagine him doing for me, nor I for him - picking out clothes, or packing a lunch, for example -because neither of us would like to give up that autonomy in that area.  I can't imagine him coming home and stocking my drawers for me.  It would be.......weird.  Now OTOH, neither of us have a problem grabbing something for the other person.  I know what socks dh wears for work and will buy more when I see his getting ragged.  He'll see my favorite gloves on sale and grab me a few pairs.  But we do for each other.  It's not one sided, and I'm not making decisions FOR him.  That is where parenting comes in.

 

I also have to look at my job closely.  I am not a housewife.  I am a home manager.  I make sure everything runs smoothly, either with the collaboration of dh or through executive management decisions when the situation calls for it.

[texasmama]

I think part of the difference in responses is when the wife does not work outside the home versus when she does.  When two adults both work jobs, it is more every man/woman for himself -  but not in a negative way.  When I worked full time, I did much less for my dh or around the house.  Now that I am not working at all (except for teaching a co op class), I do more around the house.

 

I don't think there is any one size fits all approach.  At some point in the last five years, my dh has taken up doing his own grocery shopping.  He goes and buys what he wants and then eats it.  I grocery shop for myself and the kids and for family meals.  This works fine for both of us.  If he wanted to leave me a list of things to buy, I would get these things, but he prefers to do it himself.  I do all of the laundry, but he buys all of his clothing.  He is picky so he chooses what he wants when he needs it.  If he asked me to buy some clothes or underwear or something, I would do it, but he prefers to do it himself, and that is fine with me.  I do all of the laundry, all of the cooking, and almost all of the house cleaning.

 

My dh is a picky eater, so I make food that the kids will eat which is nutritious.  Sometimes I don't even eat it.  Anyone in the house is welcome to eat it, but no one is expected to.  If someone does not want what I have prepared, they are welcome to make their own meal.  At this point, all of my kids are capable of getting food to eat for themselves.  There is plenty on hand to cook or easily prepare for anyone who wants it.

 

Starting a couple of years ago, we made a point to go out on dates every Sunday night, even when we don't feel like it or are tired.  We usually have a dinner out but it might be just Chipotle.  Then we often go to Half Price Books.  This evening, we will be going for dinner and to Sam's to grocery shop.  With three kids at home and all of us here almost all the time (he runs a business out of our home), the children are a distraction so it is nice to just do anything out alone together.  We are pretty simple folks.  We also watch a TV show which has been DVR'ed (or a DVD series such as Downton Abbey) every evening upstairs while the kids are downstairs.  This is a simple way to reconnect.

[ktgrok]

For the shirts, what detergent do you use? I find a better name brand detergent helps. Tide is all that works here. Oxiclean helps as well. 

[Lady Florida.]

Dates - We go out to dinner once a month but for the most part we have inexpensive or "free" dates. We might go browse at a bookstore or garden center. Unless we've planned ahead to buy something we don't spend money. Browsing is free, and if you can find something you both like to look at it's a nice way to spend time together. We go to the nearby wildlife drives (there are 2 we like), which gives us time to talk in the car while we look at/for local wildlife. We go to local festivals and shows. Many are free but some have a small entry or parking fee. We enjoy craft shows and working pioneer exhibits but there are many different kinds of shows and festivals in quite a few communities. See what yours offers if you don't already know.

 

Do either of you like board games or card games? Depending on your dc situation you can either play at home after they go to bed or get a sitter and go somewhere like a coffee shop or Panera Bread and bring a game or two. That's not free of course but it can be inexpensive if you just buy a drink or snack so you don't feel bad or they don't give you dirty looks for taking a table. You can love or hate Starbucks, but they are usually good about letting people hang out without complaining about how much you didn't spend.

 

Like regentrude we don't really call them dates. We just do stuff together that we like doing. The only one we consider a date is our monthly dinner out. 

 

Our non-food dates: hiking, rock climbing, canoeing, museum, concert, theatre.

To be honest, I'd never consider anything a "date" - just things we do together.

 

I see a big difference between my DH's needs and the children's needs: children have to rely on adult to have their needs met. Adults are perfectly capable of taking their own action. Anything a spouse does is a nice gesture, but my DH is perfectly capable of feeding himself and selecting his own underwear.

 

Encouragement? I take his work seriously and his interests. I don't gripe if he works while home on weekends. He does not need "encouragement". He needs me to accept him as he is.

 

 

Yep. He has a truck and a wallet and he knows where the store is. I don't pack lunch for him. If he wants lunch the leftovers are in the fridge. He's a grown man and I'm not his mommy.

As far as encouragement---I guess I don't know what you mean. I support his goals and his dreams and try to help him come up with ways to achieve those. He is a hard worker and a good provider and I tell him how much I appreciate those qualities. He also does most of our cooking and I tell him I appreciate that as well.

But it's not my job to make sure he has what he needs. It's my job to make sure my children have what they need. DH is not a child.

 

I'm with regentrude and MedicMom. 

 

Encouragement - I too am not sure what you mean? If he wants to go back to school or try a new job I'd encourage him, but not without considering the consequences myself first. If it would have a long-term negative impact on our family I wouldn't encourage him but if the negative was short-term and would lead to a positive end, I would. That's theoretical though. In reality I just try not to complain about his work schedule or if he brings work home, because I know it's what allowed me to quit teaching and stay home and homeschool. As far as non-work encouragement, he likes to tinker in the garage with woodworking and lately has taken up vegetable gardening. I try not to give him how-to advice (on the gardening) and praise him for his efforts or compliment him on what he made. He does the same when I sew, knit, or crochet something - encouragement goes both ways in our home.

 

These are just normal things to us, We don't really work at encouragement. We encourage ds about his college classes, cosplay costumes he makes, his guitar playing, etc. I guess I really am not sure what you mean and I might be mixing up encouragement with (sincere) compliments.

 

Lunch and underwear - In 24 years together (22 as husband and wife) I've never bought him underwear or made his lunch. Well, the latter isn't really true. When I was still working, if I was making my own lunch I'd ask him if he wanted me to pack one for him too, but it would be the same thing I was bringing. I didn't fix something different for him. He did the same for me if he was making his lunch. As for buying underwear, I suppose I'd do it if he had a totally crazy work schedule and really couldn't get to the store, but just as a nice thing to do, it's low on my priority list.

 

My husband is an adult. My desire is to be his partner not his mother. That doesn't mean I don't do nice things for him, but I don't see caring for his basic adult needs as doing something nice. I do cook most of our dinners but that's more because we all prefer my cooking to his than a division of labor. :) Making a dish I know he loves would fall under doing something nice IMO. 

[creekland]

ps  I'm not criticizing the OP at all nor insinuating that she wants to be a parent to her hubby.  

 

She asked for ways to be encouraging.  I was sharing what works for us vs what worked (or not) for my in-laws.  Sometimes folks get the idea that the 50s stereotype is what we should aim for.  I know at least one guy who is happy we're not living in that generation any longer.

 

And as before... YMMV

[ktgrok]

And I DO encourage my husband, a lot. I tell him regularly "thanks for working so hard, I really appreciate what you do for the family" and stuff like that. 

 

Also, almost forgot. For the shirts, try BIZ!!! It's amazing. Enzymes plus water softener plus oxiclean, basically.

[zoobie]

DH buys his own undershirts and underwear. He likes UnderArmour currently.

 

We both do laundry. Totally Awesome from the dollar store works for collars. One Good Thing by Jillee blog has a "recipe" for getting out deodorant goop, but honestly I'd start over rather than spend time scrubbing armpits. I agree that bleach tends to yellow. Try Clorox 2 instead. We wash white undershirts that are made out of athletic fabric on their own on the athletic setting, whatever that does. Colored underwear and socks go together.

 

If he takes lunch, he uses a plain black insulated bag. Though he's taken the girls' unicorn bag before too. We keep lunch meat, salad, boiled eggs, grilled chicken, veggies, etc. in the fridge. I've offered to pack his lunch if I'm putting away dinner leftovers and he's doing little kid bath, but otherwise he does it. When we didn't have littles, we cleaned the kitchen and packed lunches together and chatted. I miss that! Divide and conquer now.

 

I don't have a "take care of my man" mindset. I'm drowning taking care of little people. When I have thought of him like another in my list of demanding people to take care of, I feel disgruntled. I'm not his mom or his housekeeper. If I feel like his mom or maid, it gets ugly here.

[Paige]

OP, has your husband expressed that he wants all that or are you feeling convicted because you feel bad yourself for not doing it and think you're supposed to? I know, many times, women put burdens on themselves that men don't even think of. If he'd like this, and you'd enjoy doing it, that's one thing, but I think my DH would be annoyed if I was buying him clothes- especially underwear!- and suddenly packing his lunches. He likes to do it himself. Sometimes he doesn't want a packed lunch. He wouldn't want me to do it but would try to be really nice about it if I did so he doesn't come off as a jerk. Over time, however, I think it would grate on his nerves. 

 

As far as encouraging him, if you have to come up with a snazzy way to do it, it's probably not natural. Why try so hard? Just be yourself and encourage him in whatever way comes natural to you. I don't think I could pull off little notes in the lunchbox thing- that's not me and DH would think I'd lost my mind or wonder what was up. If you want to know what your DH really appreciates and really wants, ask him.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think the main difference is "doing things for each other."  Wives/husbands do that (in general anyway).  It goes both ways and how it splits depends upon the individuals involved.

 

When it gets more one-sided (as it did in many 50s era TV shows for a stereotype) it really seems more like mothering than partnering.  I think that's also why we ended up with phrases like "The old ball and chain" as it relates to marriage and why many guys felt the need to escape to a bar or similar.  Husbands were feeling parented in their marriage more than partnering and it got old after a short while.

 

My guy likes it a lot better when we're partners.  So do I.  He was raised in a household where his mom pretty much mothered his dad (at home).  His dad did many things to escape to places where he could be an adult.  He could cook (as he wanted) in the Hunt Club. He could buy the clothing and supplies he wanted for hunting - choosing for himself.  He didn't get to do that at home.  (That's just one example, of course.)

 

Yep.  Admittedly I'm kinda thinking ewww over this discussion, but I do do a lot of things for my husband, but he does a lot for me too.  So long as we are each not feeling taken advantage of there is nothing icky about this.  My husband thanks me for stuff all the time.  Also, if I don't do something that I normally do he never acts as if I'm not doing my job and living up to his expectations.  If he did, we'd have a major problem.  

[Lady Florida.]

I'm not sure I understand the comments like this one in this thread.  How is being considerate and doing things for your spouse parenting them?  If my DH cooks me dinner when I could do it myself, he is not treating me like a child, but showing his love and caring for me.

 

DH and I do things for one another all the time.  I'd hate to live in a house where each adult has to do everything for him/herself.

 

I don't think any of us are saying we don't do nice things for our husbands. I too wouldn't want a relationship where neither partner does nice things for other. For that matter, I wouldn't want to live in a home where all of the family members don't do nice things for one another (age appropriate of course - little ones will do less, though even toddlers/preschoolers might pick weed flowers to give you). 

 

I think the main difference is "doing things for each other."  Wives/husbands do that (in general anyway).  It goes both ways and how it splits depends upon the individuals involved.

 

When it gets more one-sided (as it did in many 50s era TV shows for a stereotype) it really seems more like mothering than partnering.  I think that's also why we ended up with phrases like "The old ball and chain" as it relates to marriage and why many guys felt the need to escape to a bar or similar.  Husbands were feeling parented in their marriage more than partnering and it got old after a short while.

 

 

I think it comes down to perspective.

 

Dh and I do things for each other in a reciprocating manner.  There are personal things that I couldn't imagine him doing for me, nor I for him - picking out clothes, or packing a lunch, for example -because neither of us would like to give up that autonomy in that area.  I can't imagine him coming home and stocking my drawers for me.  It would be.......weird.  Now OTOH, neither of us have a problem grabbing something for the other person.  I know what socks dh wears for work and will buy more when I see his getting ragged.  He'll see my favorite gloves on sale and grab me a few pairs.  But we do for each other.  It's not one sided, and I'm not making decisions FOR him.  That is where parenting comes in.

 

Yes and yes. I think some things look a bit like June Cleaver or even Alice Kramden (here's your lunch, honey) and maybe that's rubbing some of us the wrong way. Also, reciprocity is key. If it's just the wife doing nice things and the husband is always the receiver it does appear more like mothering that being a partner. 

 

I think part of the difference in responses is when the wife does not work outside the home versus when she does.  When two adults both work jobs, it is more every man/woman for himself -  but not in a negative way.  When I worked full time, I did much less for my dh or around the house.  Now that I am not working at all (except for teaching a co op class), I do more around the house.

 

That could be part of it, but other than me taking on more of the household tasks, little has changed since I quit work. I quit to stay home with our son though, not to become a housewife (a strange word if there ever was one), and though I planned to go back to work when he started school, my reason for not going back was because we decided to homeschool. Again, it wasn't to become a housewife. So yes, I did more of the housework than I did when I was working but I still had the full time job of being a stay-at-home parent, then being a homeschool mom. Ds is now done and for the past few years worked mostly on his own, so I have started doing more around the house. Ds also contributes, but he is taking college courses and dh works long hours so the brunt of it falls on me, by mutual agreement.

 

Even so, the nice things we do for each other look less like parenting and more like partnering. 

 

ps  I'm not criticizing the OP at all nor insinuating that she wants to be a parent to her hubby.  

 

She asked for ways to be encouraging.  I was sharing what works for us vs what worked (or not) for my in-laws.  Sometimes folks get the idea that the 50s stereotype is what we should aim for.  I know at least one guy who is happy we're not living in that generation any longer.

 

And as before... YMMV

 

Make that at least two guys. :)

 

Exactly. If it works for you OP, ignore all of us who are telling you not to do these things. Your relationship is yours - it's not mine or Creekland's or texasmama's or anyone else's. Do what works for the two of you. I would however encourage (haha) you to consider what we've said and maybe come up with some other ideas either instead of or in addition to what you've already thought of.

Edited May 1, 2016 by Lady Florida.

[Lady Florida.]

Yep.  Admittedly I'm kinda thinking ewww over this discussion, but I do do a lot of things for my husband, but he does a lot for me too.  So long as we are each not feeling taken advantage of there is nothing icky about this.  

 

Yep. It isn't always evenly back and forth either. There are times when I'm doing more for him and he's not doing much for me, and vice versa. We don't keep score but it all pretty much evens out in the end.

[lllll]

nm

Edited May 17, 2016 by _ ?^..

[maize]

I don't think it is wrong to pack a lunch or pick out clothes for a a spouse.

 

I do think though that a woman should not feel guilty for doing more for her children than her husband--children are dependent by nature, spouses are not.

[momacacia]

Oxiclean max force for laundry stains. Even gets out baby poop!

 

Also, dh loves mason,jar salads and I do too. All kinds you can make and,lunch is ready at home or,the office. I,make every 2-3 days.

Edited May 1, 2016 by momacacia

[Tita Gidge]

I think it's normal for marriages to be in constant flux.  I think it's healthy for there to be a willingness to be flexible in one's role, rather than rigid in one's expectations. There are times when it's more appropriate to be equal partners - for me this was the bulk of the time and our shared expectation. 

 

And there may be times when either of us might need, or want, a partner who can take the reins for a bit while we sort out stress, or depression, or in our case - PTSD.  To some this will look more like being the partner's 'parent' but if that is what works for the partnership, then it's still being partners. 

 

OP, it sounds like your expectation is more that of a equal partner ... so where is the idea of needing to act differently so that you're "being a better wife" coming from? Religious beliefs? Friends? Husband? Rhetorical questions; I think the source of these new expectations is important and you should think about how those contradict what you called your own convictions. 

 

(That said, any attempt to break out of one's comfort zone in an effort to strengthen a marriage is brave and worth applauding. Expectations and situations change, and true partners ebb and flow with the waves - even if they're doing so somewhat blindly. It's clear you value your marriage.)

 

 

And finally, what are some ways you encourage your dude?

 

I think encouragement has many different faces.

 

I feel encouraged when my family recognizes the effort I've put into something. Yes, they hate what I made for dinner but I'm encouraged when they eat it without complaining and recognize that I put effort into a task I don't particularly enjoy. It's when my best effort is enough, especially if my best effort sucks any given day and dinner is PB&J sandwiches.

 

I feel encouraged when my family shows that I am valued above and beyond the role I play in the family. That is, I'm more than a paycheck or a meal or a source of clean underwear. I'm valued just for being ME, the human, and not just me - the [expected role here]. 

 

I feel encouraged when I'm allowed to make mistakes and to grow from them. I'm not held to some impossible standard of perfection, I'm given space to grow and mature. My failures or shortcomings aren't brought up at every argumentative turn.  But nor are am I allowed free reign to wallow ... because, finally,

 

I feel encouraged when I'm challenged to grow and pushed to be my personal best. They are committed to seeing me through periods of insecurity, depression, uncertainty, fear, instability, and all of those situations where I'm in personal flux. They know how to push without shoving and how to give space without abandoning. They know me well enough, and love me enough, to tolerate and help me navigate troubled waters.

 

And so this is I attempt to encourage the people in my life. I treat them as I wish to be treated.

[momacacia]

Encouragement? Well I married him.

I'm loling. Thank you! ðŸ˜

[TechWife]

Our dry cleaners told us that gel deodorants and antiperspriants cause underarm stains. Since dh switched back to a solid, the problem has resolved.

[TechWife]

Rubbermaid lunch blox is a great set of containers. They do sell a lunch box for them, but they fit in regular lunch boxes too.

[sbgrace]

OP, outside of support/encouragement, the sort of things you are talking about aren't the sorts of things that make my particular husband feel loved when I do them.

 

I think what you're thinking of sounds great if hubby feels loved and cared for when someone does care taking type things for him for example.

 

I guess I'm just saying yay for effort and focus on a spouse, but make sure the effort you're putting in is what will really communicate love to him. I would actually ask him what would help him feel important and cared for, if you haven't already.

Edited May 1, 2016 by sbgrace

[Hyacinth]

I think this is a conversation best had with your husband. What does he find encouraging, loving, fun? How would he like to spend time together? What kinds of gestures from you would show him appreciation?

 

Someone up thread mentioned women adding burdens to themselves through this kind of thinking/comparing. I'll echo that. While you might get some useful ideas from a thread like this, a more direct route--talking to your husband--will get you better information, in less time, and without having to wade through unhelpful comments.

[EMS83]

Yeah I'd listen to DH first.  Figure out what makes him feel encouraged, what he wants, and do that.  I do NOT recommend simply wordlessly doing everything you THINK he wants you to do, or would make his life easier without communicating.  I made HUGE mistakes doing that.  We've survived, but I'm not sure all marriages would have.

[Liz CA]

Agreeing with the notion that things sometimes depend on who has time for what.

I am currently tightly scheduled and dh knows this and is happy to take care of his laundry. Since he works in a city with a wide variety of good grocery stores (I like organic and farm bought), he mainly does the grocery shopping. He also purchases his own clothes.

I do try to make lunches for him as I do for myself. I have weird work hours, i.e. 1600 till midnight so I am not home for dinner.  I cook rice ahead of time and have it cooked in the fridge so it's ready to be eaten in a cold dish or heated up. We shop specifically for some lunch items we like.

 

My one day off is in the middle of the week. On this day, we go to the gym together and then watch a movie or play card games or scrabble. We rarely eat out but we take occasional drives around the countryside. We also take short 3-day vacations to the beach. He likes camping, I really don't so he camps with his golf club and I sleep in my bed. :)

I think we encourage each other by connecting often via texts and try to plan something fun - even if it's a little thing, like getting ice cream or meandering around bookstores. He brings me a smoothie or a cup of coffee while I moan and groan about my deadlines and I ask him what funny names he has come across in his genealogy searches.

[Guest]

I get what you are saying.

 

I get up a few minutes before dh and start his coffee. While he is getting ready, l make sure he has some for his thermos. Since we have a dog who needs scheduled meds, I am up at that time anyway.

 

On the flip side, he makes himself a cup to go, and he leaves enough for me to have a cup.

 

Since I no longer work outside the home, I like to make sure he has dinner when he gets home.

 

On the flip side, he makes sure to get what I need at the store on his way.

 

He prefers me to shop for clothes for him. 1) Because his work schedule doesn't allow shopping time and 2) Because he admits to having no sense of fashion.

 

On the flip side, he looks damn good. ðŸ˜

As parents, we have raised our kids to learn to do things for themselves. That doesn't mean I ignore their needs. It means that they learn to problem solve, and they have grown to lead instead of follow. They see dh and I helping each other. Me doing small things for him makes his day just a little easier. That allows his stress level at work to not be so high, and he comes home happier. We are partners. Sometimes one has to pick up the slack, and sometimes we work together.

[monstermama]

DH likes ExOfficio underwear and Uniqlo undershirts.  The underwear's pricey and does need special care (delicate wash and line drying) but they wear well and are comfy (I have some of their women's line).  He used to use Hanes (for both) but we got tired of them looking and feeling worn after two washes.

 

Lunch is usually leftovers plus some cut up veggies and dip or a salad.  We have a Mr. Bento which works well for him because he likes a mix of stuff for lunch, and we often have soups or stews, but it's not so good for sandwiches.  I usually pack a breakfast for him, too.  I make an egg sandwich and some fruit or hard-boiled eggs, cheese, and baked goods.  I pack it at night while he's playing with the kids.  Honestly, by that time of day, it's nice to have a break from them and it means he gets some time with them without mommy.

[Wheres Toto]

I agree that it's probably best to discuss this with your husband. 

 

Does he want you to buy his underwear?   Men seem to have their own preferences for what kind they like so I probably wouldn't buy them unless I knew what kind he wanted and that he needed them.

 

Laundry - I do the laundry but we haven't had any problem with yellowing.  I use Tide liquid.  Dh doesn't wear undershirts though.

 

Lunch - dh does all the cooking and packs up leftovers with some for lunch, some freezing for another meal.  He knows if he's going to be going out to lunch, or they will be doing something at work, and he controls his own diet so this works best.   He's currently using my old Mom's Club insulated bag to bring his lunch to work with Rubbermaid plastic containers to hold the food.  :lol:   I was going to get him an Eagles one for Christmas but he said it was fine.  He always knew which bag was his.  :D

 

Dates - definitely would talk to your husband.  What does he want to do?

[Guest]

For lunches, we have a cooler similar to the first one linked. It used to be mine, but he stole it. ;)

 

For undergarments, I normally pick up something from Target or Sam's Club if he says his socks are getting holes or anything is getting ratty. My DH also doesn't have the time or desire to set foot in a store to clothes shop. He will occasionally pick out some shirts from the car catalogs and ask me to order them, otherwise he isn't super clothes conscious.

 

I try and make lunch for him because if I don't, he will just grab something when he's out and I prefer he doesn't do that if it is avoidable.

 

Dates - car shows, model home viewing, fishing, shooting, Home Depot, lol....

 

He works full time plus has a start up business, so I do whatever I can to help him out. Works for us. :)

[MercyA]

I make no apology for the fact that one of my roles in life is helper to my husband. It's not at all the same thing as mothering him (ick!). OP, I think it's great you're thinking about ways to be even more of a blessing to your husband.

[JudoMom]

This is the lunchbag that dh carries (in black).  For years he carried a plastic grocery bag but I upgraded him last year.  It holds a lot.  He doesn't use the strap, though, just the handles.  I pack his lunch nearly every day, and have for years, not because I have to, but because it's a small way I can help him out and he really appreciates it.  Sometimes I even hand it to him as I'm kissing him goodbye in the morning :D.  

As far as dates go, the only regular thing we do is we go grocery shopping together once a week.  It's nice to have someone to talk to, and he pushes the cart and loads the groceries.

Edited May 1, 2016 by JudoMom

[MrsBasil]

My husband works 12-15 hour shifts, so I pack his breakfast, lunch, and snacks.  He likes the diet friendly snacks that make the tray of cookies or whatever look less attractive.

 

Dates, right now we mostly do stuff with the kids right now and watch movies or a show we both like in the evenings.  Our parents have been our baby sitters since the kids were born and they are all having long term health issues.  I need to find a new baby sitter!

 

My husband feels the most loved having his food prepared, dinner ready when he comes home, and clean home when he walks in.  He would not feel loved if I put time into buying him underwear.  I would suggest talking to him.  We took a 5 Love Languages quiz that was really helpful for me.

[LucyStoner]

In case this is a shock to anyone, I am a very liberal feminist married to a feminist. I don't however consider packing lunches to be parenting my husband. For us, it's a matter of efficiency. I am packing 3 lunches already. Packing a 4th takes me far less time than him starting and packing 1. If I don't pack his lunch, he certainly doesn't mind. He also doesn't mind if I don't iron his work shirts or do all the laundry but yeah, I do that too. Before he had this schedule he did all the laundry. It's all about seasons of life.

 

Also time allocation is a factor here- he's at work 32-40 hours a week and he's a FT student. I would rather non-study time at home be spent with the boys or with me and getting adequate sleep rather than spent doing laundry or a perfect 50-50 split of household chores. He consistently does a select number of chores with the boys (clearing table etc with the boys) primarily because for him there is value in his sons seeing him wash the dishes and do housework so they don't get the idea that men don't do those things.

 

Even buying clothes needn't be parenting. My husband buys most all of his stuff online because why the heck not but if I am at Target and know he needs underwear, why on earth would I want him to have to make a separate trip? I buy what I know he likes. It would be controlling, insufferable and invasive only if I brought home stuff for him he didn't like and tried to make him wear it. Which I would never do because we are both respectful of the other.

 

So the division of labor up in here may appear retro at times. I joke that I am June Cleaver in converse and a hoodie instead of pearls and an apron. It's fluid and based on what the heck makes sense for our schedules and finances. We both pinch hit for the other as necessary and his graduation and my return to work will result in a lot of easy changes. Besides, if you have watched leave it to Beaver you will see Ward with his sleeves rolled up drying the dishes and tackling projects with June together quite a bit. Not even the sterotype matches the sterotype. This is very much an equal partnership however and that is not under minded by the fact that he finds ironed shirts in his closet or a thermos of coffee and a lunch on the counter to grab.

Edited May 2, 2016 by LucyStoner

[regentrude]

In case this is a shock to anyone, I am a very liberal feminist married to a feminist. I don't however consider packing lunches to be parenting my husband. For us, it's a matter of efficiency. I am packing 3 lunches already. Packing a 4th takes me far less time than him starting and packing 1. If I don't pack his lunch, he certainly doesn't mind. He also doesn't mind if I don't iron his work shirts or do all the laundry but yeah, I do that too. Before he had this schedule he did all the laundry. It's all about seasons of life.

 

Also time allocation is a factor here- he's at work 32-40 hours a week and he's a FT student. I would rather non-study time at home be spent with the boys or with me and getting adequate sleep rather than spent doing laundry or a perfect 50-50 split of household chores. He consistently does a select number of chores with the boys (clearing table etc with the boys) primarily because for him there is value in his sons seeing him wash the dishes and do housework so they don't get the idea that men don't do those things.

 

Even buying clothes needn't be parenting. My husband buys most all of his stuff online because why the heck not but if I am at Target and know he needs underwear, why on earth would I want him to have to make a separate trip?...

 

So the division of labor up in here may appear retro at times..

 

I don't think it was about the division of labor. We have a very traditional division of labor, too, because my DH works more hours than I do, so it only makes sense that I do more housework.

I think the issue was not about packing lunch per se or picking up underwear when shopping, but in how to view these actions. It starts with the title : "Being a better wife" and continues with phrases like "about putting my care of the kids over my care of my man".

 

It would not occur to me to view a sensible division of labor as "being a better wife" or "taking care of my man".  This sounds so patronizing. I may enjoy doing things for him, I may find it sensible to do certain tasks while he does others, but I don't "take care of my man".

ETA: And I just asked my DH how he feels about this phrase: he finds it patronizing.

 

Edited May 2, 2016 by regentrude