SquirrellyMama Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Do people still expect a bride's family to foot the bill for weddings? If you have a son who was getting married, and the bride's family was only going to cut a check for a specified amount (not the whole amount), would that be a forever grudge maker for you? My kids are no where near marriageable age, but we have no plans of paying for an entire wedding, unless that wedding is under $5,000. I plan on just giving them a check when the time comes and saying, "Spend it however you like!" I really want no part in wedding planning. Am I just setting myself up for my daughters' inlaws to hate me some day? I have a son, and he will get the same deal. Not sure what made me think of this. My own wedding in 1998 was planned in about 2 months for under $2000. Kelly 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) I think a lot of it is in the packaging: saying you have $5000 to give your daughter to spend however she'd like is much happier than saying you're unwilling to pay for the wedding... Hopefully, by the time your children are that age they will have absorbed your common sense financial ideas and will seek out partners that do, too!! Also, my dd and son-in-law were delighted that I didn't want to orchestrate their wedding! My one daughter that is married was delighted to be given a chunk of cash. :-) Anne Edited April 25, 2016 by Anne 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I think things are much more flexible than they used to be. If they are older in careers, in many cases they will pay themselves. Lots of families seem to both help out too, on the bride and grooms side. Two things I think of - part of the reason this was done was to give young people a start in their adult life. They were hitched, and also often given some basics to start their household off. In many cases this is less important now - they may not need basics by the time they marry. And helping with education is probably going to be more practical than paying for a wedding. The other thing is this - when this was common, so were very small weddings. My parents wedding was paid for. They had a service in my mom's church, she had flowers and wore a white blouse, long brown velvet skirt and pearls of her moms. My dad wore his suit. They had no bridesmaids or groomsmen. The family catered a reception at my mom's parents house - finger food type things. So - not the kind of thing people seem to expect these days. I don't think there is any requirement for parents to shell out money like that for a wedding. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 It depends on the family. Mine paid for maybe 1/3 of our costs but flew themselves to the wedding which wasn't in their home town. Husband's family offered to pay our honeymoon. I was young and it was a cheap wedding but we still understood it was up to us to pay for and had no expectation of our family doing it. That has become the norm in our middle class slice of life. Paying for weddings by the bride's family is something on the wealthy seem to do around here. Parents, in general, aren't footing the bill. Some of that may be because they're still smarting from the cost of college, to be honest! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I think it completely depends on the family. I know many families who still feel the bride's family pays for the wedding and groom's pay for rehearsal dinner. I believe 2 of my brother's weddings were paid by their in laws while my parents paid for rehearsal dinner. They only did this because they were falling suit with what the bride's family expected. But I also know other families who expect the couple to pay for the wedding with whatever help both sets of parent's want to chip in. From my experience it is 50/50. My mom offered me a set amount for our reception and anything else we would have to pay for. We chose not to go over that set amount. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I'm sure in some places those hard and fast rules still apply, but I don't think it's as common as it used to be. We don't expect to pay for our daughter's wedding, though we may give some money as a gift to be used toward it. I've no desire to be involved in any of the planning for my kids' as-yet-hypothetical weddings. I wouldn't spend any time wondering about future in-laws and their opinion about how the wedding is handled. I'd be surprised if my daughter wanted to marry someone who would be concerned about that. FWIW, my husband and I paid for our wedding. My mom bought the cake as a wedding gift; his parents hosted the night-before dinner (we didn't have a rehearsal). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) The only brides I've known whose parents did not pay for the wedding were much older and getting married for the second time. Vast variety of income levels among the weddings we attend but the brides parents are always hosting (again, unless a second marriage or something like that). As the mother of sons, I expect to pay for and host the rehearsal dinner as well as help my son with his own expenses and those of his best man and groomsmen. I would not want to just give ds money to use as he wishes as I do expect to be able to invite whom I want to the rehearsal dinner as I would be hosting it (I would invite everyone the brides side wanted as well!). If necessary, I'll help the other child with their expenses to participate as well. I hope to be able to also contribute to the honeymoon. I would not expect to pay for the day of expenses, such as things for the ceremony or the reception. Edited April 25, 2016 by QueenCat Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted April 25, 2016 Author Share Posted April 25, 2016 I'm sure in some places those hard and fast rules still apply, but I don't think it's as common as it used to be. We don't expect to pay for our daughter's wedding, though we may give some money as a gift to be used toward it. I've no desire to be involved in any of the planning for my kids' as-yet-hypothetical weddings. I wouldn't spend any time wondering about future in-laws and their opinion about how the wedding is handled. I'd be surprised if my daughter wanted to marry someone who would be concerned about that. FWIW, my husband and I paid for our wedding. My mom bought the cake as a wedding gift; his parents hosted the night-before dinner (we didn't have a rehearsal). I probably thought about it one night as I was falling asleep. When I do that it seems like such an important thing :) Everything becomes important when I want to sleep. Kelly 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 To some extent it depends on the couples' situation. If the bride, for instance, is marrying out of her parents' home, never having been on her own yet, then yes, I think most would think that the parents would pay for this. If she has been independent for a while, maybe not so much. Having said that, I think it's nice to be clear with your kids about your feelings about this as you go along, instead of handing them some kind of surprise during their engagement. I wish that my parents had done this, and it's what I would do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I think a check is fine. But then, my wedding came in way under $5000 :) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) For chinese, the groom's family foot most or all of the wedding reception bill. The grooms typically pay for the wedding gown, photographer, and honeymoon though brides might pay for something pricier, so basically between the couple how costs are split. Wedding guests give cash gifts so the married couple would have the money to buy what they need or to offset honeymoon costs.The rehearsal dinner is in the wedding reception package as complimentary so no separate bill provided. The bride's family pay for extra guests so if the groom's family pays for 150 guests from each side (total 300), the bride side would pay for any extra guest of theirs if they invite more than 150 people. ETA: Our weddings were whole day events from 7am all the way to past 11pm. Groom fetch bride, the customary tea ceremony, lunch reception, photograph session and church wedding (if couple wants one, most of my relatives are agnostics), wedding banquet. Edited April 25, 2016 by Arcadia Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Family traditions vary. For some families, bride's parents foot the bill. When I got married, I paid for everything myself. DH paid for the honeymoon. We also paid airfare for family members who had to fly in and couldn't afford it. DH and I had good jobs that paid well - which wasn't true of most of our family members. But who pays for stuff is not something that I am stressing about. Knowing my kids, I think they will not expect us to chip in.... though if finances are good, we might give them some money. I am certainly NOT doing any wedding planning. No Way. No How. Not happening. I plan on buying a dress, showing up, and eating cake..... 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) I definitely think there are no rules in this regard. Heck, I was an older, financially independent bride 16 years ago and my parents gave us a flat amount as a wedding gift. We paid for most of our wedding and honeymoon and rehearsal dinner. If you want to help, great. I think it's a bad idea to dip into retirement savings or take out loans to do it though, so if it doesn't work financially that's ok too. You're just as married whether you have a big, expensive affair or a picnic at a park or elope to Vegas. Edited April 25, 2016 by WoolySocks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I used to live next to a Mennonite community. I liked their custom - the whole community put on the wedding and party afterward, and gave gifts for the couple's new home. It seemed so practical. But - they were marrying out of their parent's homes. (The community might also help with things like university, but that wasn't usual, so the wedding and helping the kids set up a business and house were the expenses they were typically pitching in for.) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) Do people still expect a bride's family to foot the bill for weddings? If you have a son who was getting married, and the bride's family was only going to cut a check for a specified amount (not the whole amount), would that be a forever grudge maker for you? My kids are no where near marriageable age, but we have no plans of paying for an entire wedding, unless that wedding is under $5,000. I plan on just giving them a check when the time comes and saying, "Spend it however you like!" I really want no part in wedding planning. Am I just setting myself up for my daughters' inlaws to hate me some day? I have a son, and he will get the same deal. Not sure what made me think of this. My own wedding in 1998 was planned in about 2 months for under $2000. Kelly Well, who is coming up with the difference? Me (mother of groom) or the bride and groom? I don't know that it necessarily falls back on the in-laws. Some couples don't have any help from either set of parents. I have no idea what $5000 pays for. My parents paid for my wedding and dh's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner. There was actually some awkwardness there because since they were paying it seemed I didn't have as much say about who was invited. You'd think it's a no brainer, but we didn't invite my friend that was a lector (he was at the rehearsal) because I don't think they considered him part of the wedding party and everyone else was family. If my parents had paid for the meal they would have urged me to invite him. Asking to invite him and pay wouldn't have gone over very well... we already did that with another family member that had flown into town but was not part of the wedding party. She came to the dinner and after all that my father forgot to grab a separate check for her so I don't know what happened later. I'm sure he tried to pay after the fact. I actually am not sure how much my wedding cost.* I really should ask, but I guess am embarrassed to bring it up? I think if your daughter knows in advance then this could be seen as a reasonable thing to work around. I mean, if she knows ahead of time she could put it in her mind to not have too many guests or not buy the most expensive dress, reflect the budget with the food choices, etc. I don't know how much $5000 covers, but for example she shouldn't be eyeing the $1000 dress and the expensive venue. Save up in advance, too. Like, maybe before she even meets Mr. Right. So I guess my reaction would be "that would be a bummer" but if I wasn't expected to come up with a bunch of money to make up the difference then it wouldn't leave such a sting. If the bride and groom came to me and said we have no savings, we need a lot of $ then yeah, it could be a problem. I am a bargain shopper, I would probably get involved and help them come up with an affordable solution :) I am currently in the midst of planning a bday party for ds and have found ways to make or buy inexpensive things for it. I don't want to involve a bakery but dh really wants to. I've already planned out cupcake/cake topper decorations of my own lol. But if the inlaws were very hands off, they better hope the bride and groom can be creative in their problem solving lol *ETA: I do know the price of certain things, but not everything. Dh got a deal on the catering -- family friend. I got a deal on my wedding dress -- knew the shop owner and she cut price as a gift. Venue was free church hall (parents gave church a donation), and I don't remember cost of cake/flowers but I do know my choice of flowers was kinda expensive (roses). We didn't have a large wedding. Edited April 25, 2016 by heartlikealion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Probably in some circles it is still expected, but that has not been my experience. DH and I paid for our wedding. My parents bought the cake, my shoes, and the veil. My in-laws paid for flowers and my husband's attire. Otherwise we paid for everything else. There was no expectation that anyone's parents should pay for any of it. The stuff parents paid for was stuff they offered to pay for. We had a lot of guests from Germany. We couldn't help pay for anyone to come here and nobody expected us to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Oh and our wedding was not expensive. Most people gave us money and it was an amount overall that paid for the wedding and then some. So that worked out very well. I had no desire to go broke for a wedding. Marrying someone from another country has expenses as it is. Aside from immigration fees there were things like high moving expenses. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 To some extent it depends on the couples' situation. If the bride, for instance, is marrying out of her parents' home, never having been on her own yet, then yes, I think most would think that the parents would pay for this. If she has been independent for a while, maybe not so much. I don't see why that should make a difference? It still should be what the parents are comfortable with contributing. I personally hope my kids don't want to get married while still living under my roof as a dependent. Just because an adult child decides to marry early before they're really financially ready to be launched doesn't mean you're under any obligation to make a wedding of a certain type or size happen. That doesn't mean I wouldn't gift them something, be involved, or wish them every happiness. But I wouldn't encourage them to take out a loan for a wedding and I wouldn't take out a loan or touch our retirement to make something happen. I suspect our contribution/gift will be the same regardless of the circumstances. I would love to help plan a wedding, but I do feel the bride and groom should OWN it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loowit Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 When I got married 20 years ago my parents told me that they could afford $1,000 for my wedding, anything over that and I and DH would need to come up with the money. We never discussed finances of the wedding with my ILs. It would have never crossed my mind to ask my ILs to help with wedding costs beyond what my parents gave us. My ILs did pay for the rehearsal dinner and the rental of tuxes (I think). I was able to stay in the budget that my parents gave me and had a very nice wedding. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teachermom2834 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I have teen boys that I would not be surprised to marry on the young side. So I have thought of this. I think dh and I will say "Hey. We want to help. It is not reasonable for you to pay for everything. This is your deal so just tell us how we can help but our budget is xxx dollars." If they want us to do the rehearsal dinner or flowers or alcohol or whatnot doesn't matter. We want to help and support them and do it the way they like. But we only have xxx dollars. When we announced our engagement (as college seniors with no money) my now MIL said, "Congratulations!!! And the best part is I don't have to pay for any of it! Your parents have to pay for everything". She squealed in excitement and it just seemed so mean because my parents didn't have alot to spend either. As my kids get older I am practicing just being supportive and keeping most opinions to myself about unimportant things. If my kids are old enough to get married I am going to stay out of the details unless asked and just offer my support and my xxx dollars. Then I am going to smile and gush about how happy I am and not make a single comment about the stupid details. At least that is what I am mentally rehearsing I will do. I do not know what is currently socially acceptable but as the mom of boys we would not be comfortable expecting the bride's family to foot the bill completely unless it was easy for them and something they really wanted to do exactly their way. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BigMamaBird Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 My brother is getting married in November and his fiance is 33, a highly skilled professional and has been out of her parents home for over 10 years. Her family helped her with the down payment on her condo and they had an agreement that they would only be able to give her $5000 for her wedding. Her and my brother and paying for everything else. 16 years ago when I got married I was still living at home, fresh out of college and still very young. My parents paid for the majority of my wedding. I think it depends on the family dynamics, how old the bride is, were there any financial agreements made previously. I don't think it's as cut and dried now as it used to be. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 To some extent it depends on the couples' situation. If the bride, for instance, is marrying out of her parents' home, never having been on her own yet, then yes, I think most would think that the parents would pay for this. If she has been independent for a while, maybe not so much. Having said that, I think it's nice to be clear with your kids about your feelings about this as you go along, instead of handing them some kind of surprise during their engagement. I wish that my parents had done this, and it's what I would do. I don't see why that would matter. I was not on my own for awhile. I moved into an apartment In May and my DH (to be) moved in by June. We married in August. It wasn't super straight forward because he was moving from another country, but all those events were pretty close together. He lived with his parents prior to moving here. I assume in many cases the couple knows what their parents can or will do already. If that is a tradition in the family or it was talked about at some point, again they probably know what the expectation is. I have known people who were on their own for awhile and their wedding was paid for by her parents. They had the money and that was the expectation in her family. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 My kids will be told "Here's $x . Have fun with it however you please." For the record, I have 3 girls and a boy. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalsummer Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 In my SIL's extended family culture (that is, *her* in-laws), it is done differently. Each related family unit or friend of the family picks something in the wedding to sponsor - so one person pays for the music, one person pays for the dress, one for the reception hall, one for the flowers, etc. Of course wealthier and closer-to-the-couple members sponsor the costlier things. I think it's brilliant. I don't know how you would incorporate that into a culture where it wasn't the norm, though, unless your daughters happen to marry Mexicans :) My mom paid for my wedding, which cost something like $100. Same SIL as above (who is also my best friend) bought the wedding cake :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 It definitely varies. We have two daughters, and we've definitely already brought up that we are putting money into their education and experiences and general launching, not their wedding. Not that we don't hope to give them a gift upon marriage, but we're not paying for an extravagant wedding - we'll go the 'here's x amount of dollars' route. If they want to get married right after graduation, the 'x' is going to represent a pretty small number! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I don't think there is a hard and fast rule. My parents did pay for our wedding, but then it was under $2500 for everything including my dress and the bridesmaid/matron-of-honor/maiden-princess-of-honor dresses. My husband's parents paid for the rehearsal dinner which was a big pizza party. I see nothing wrong with saying you will pay x amount and if they want something more expensive, they can figure out where to find the money, whether that's from the groom's family or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Also, there can be some funny disconnects when you go the traditional route. dh's family is much more affluent than mine. We chipped in with my parents for the wedding and reception, which was held in a fire hall with homemade food. They hosted the rehearsal dinner. While I knew it was going to be at a pretty nice restaurant, I did not know that they were paying for all kinds of flowers and decorations and extras. I kid you not when I say that my rehearsal dinner was a great deal more formal and expensive than my actual wedding! The contrast was beyond hilarious. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I have done a lot of event planning, including weddings, and I can tell you that in this day and age there are lots of options, and not as many people adhere to the old tradition. I see many couples paying for their own without parental help, as well as combos of both bride and groom families pay. Here is what I always suggest. The bride and groom need to meet with each of their sets of parents and have an open, honest, and NICE, polite, professional, gentle discussion of expectations. If one party says, "This is the X amount I am willing or have saved to spend on this event," and another party wants a wedding that cannot fit within that budget, that the party that wants the more expensive event needs to pony up the difference. Now that could mean the bride and groom toss money into the pot, pay for it all themselves, or one side of the family or the other chooses to help more. As a general rule, I tell brides and grooms not to get their "eye on the day" as if this is the end all and be all of existence. Yes, one wants to have a meaningful and memorable event, and yes, one should try to treat out of town guests as best you can. But literally, the best you can could be putting people up in someone's home, and having a light luncheon reception, or an early meal only for out of towners, and just cake/desserts for the reception instead of a sit down meal. However it works with the budget. But whatever, don't get hung up on having more "fancy" than is financially reasonable for all concerned. OP you have an ideal situation because since you feel that $5000.00 is the limit for each child, while they are not engaged, lay that groundwork. Say to them, "This is what we can afford to do for you when the time comes. We can't do more than that so when the time comes to get engaged, please keep in mind that this is the amount we can afford to contribute." Then do that. Don't tell them that you will, and then don't. Try to have that money set aside for it. Then if the other family wants a wedding that exceeds that budget, there is nothing wrong with them contributing, or the bride and groom as well. There is NO requirement that any parent yield financially to demands of an elaborate or large wedding. If one family has a need or desire to invite everyone plus the kitchen sink, then that family needs to pay for that. Otherwise, the wedding should be budgeted "We can get a dress, tux, flowers, cater, and decorate for X people on this budget, so each side gets to invite X many people." It is okay for the bride and groom to say, "Since this is the maximum we can spend, if any family members insist on inviting more, they will need to write a check for amount Y by Z date so we know we have the money, and can plan accordingly." I am a HUGE fan of RSVP's for this reason because weddings are more expensive when cannot give a reasonable estimation of head count to those that are doing the food, and providing table service. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Do people still expect a bride's family to foot the bill for weddings? If you have a son who was getting married, and the bride's family was only going to cut a check for a specified amount (not the whole amount), would that be a forever grudge maker for you? My kids are no where near marriageable age, but we have no plans of paying for an entire wedding, unless that wedding is under $5,000. I plan on just giving them a check when the time comes and saying, "Spend it however you like!" I really want no part in wedding planning. Am I just setting myself up for my daughters' inlaws to hate me some day? I have a son, and he will get the same deal. Not sure what made me think of this. My own wedding in 1998 was planned in about 2 months for under $2000. Kelly If the bride is still living at home, yes. The brides' parents are the hosts, so to speak, and so of course they pay for the wedding. I would not expect the groom's parents to just hand me a check. That's...weird...It has become customary for the groom/groom's parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner (which has become way bigger a deal than it should be, but that's another issue, lol), and sometimes for the flowers. I would expect the wedding to be within the budget that the parents (and the bride) can pay for. If that budget is $5000, then that's what they work with. Weddings don't have to cost a bajilion dollars. The parents of the bride and groom could get together and discuss what they can do, but the bride's parents are still the hosts (unless both bride and groom are mature adults who are not living at home, and they put on their own wedding). If the happy couple wants a bigger wedding, then they should pay for it themselves, perhaps in addition to what the bride's parents are able to cover. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyGF Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 My parents said they wouldn't pay for my wedding. So we decided to go for a cake-and-punch reception. But my parents wanted dinner, so they paid for a dinner at the reception. I don't know who paid for my sister's wedding, but I bet it was her inlaws, because they were really insistent on a full-out rent-a-Chinese-restaurant reception. Emily Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) For what it is worth, in 2013, we married off our dd to our dear son in law who was from Pennsylvania which meant that his guests were all out of towners. We had a budget of $5500.00, and with last minute incidentals (some glassware that broke, a pastor that failed to tell us up front that he charged $175.00 for weddings instead of what the church listed in their brochure of $75.00, etc.) came to $6000.00. Now that sounds like a huge amount of money. But food is very expensive, and it was important to the bride and groom that due to the sheer number of out of town guests they would have that would not get to see again for a long time, that a very nice sit down meal be offered. So for parmesan crusted tilapia, herbed roasted chicken and baby red potatoes, bacon wrapped asparagus, green beans almondine,chef salad, fresh fruit, shrimp cocktail appetizers with celery, carrots, and dip, punch, iced tea, and coffee was $1200.00 for 75 people. That's $16.00 per person and less than the cheapest caterer in the area. We got the discount because we used a 4-H mom who caters, and she wanted an event for some of the kids in her culinary club to assist with so since we were willing to let teens do some cooking and serving, she was willing to knock some off the price. Normally, a two meat buffet with similar sides would be $25.00 in this area and would not necessarily include beverages depending on the provider. The wedding cake was $150.00, and the pies, made by a local Mennonite bakery so again probably cheaper than an urban bakery - were $8.00 each. We had seven pies, and an aunt made some cute cut out cookies because there a few children in attendance. So when you consider what was a very small number of people at a reception, and the cost of her dress $690.00 plus tax so maybe $728.00 ish - she wanted an all lace dress and though my mom was going to make it, since it was $550.00 for the fabric, we figured it was worth the difference for mom not to go to all that work. The dress was gorgeous.) We did rent china. It wasn't as expensive as you might think. Since I do custom silk arrangements and event decorating, I did everything except her bouquet which was real, and huge. $135.00. The $6000.00 included ALL of the table coverings, table skirting for the cake table, food tables, and head tables, all the decorations, my dress, dh's tux, ties for her younger brothers, corsages, bouquets, centerpieces, bouquets, boutonnieres, church rental, hall rental, etc. So it sounds like a lot, but when the average hall is $500.00, and pastors over $100.00, and, and, and....it doesn't take long to add up in a hurry. This wedding would not have been possible on that dollar amount if I hadn't done everything myself. So for $5000.00, please do not expect that with prices rising, the wedding will be large or very well decorated, or have outstanding food, or have alcohol (that is a HUGE bill, just huge). My nephew, married six months later, had a buffet meal for 95 at a wedding chapel that also had a hall. They paid $750.00 to rent the chapel and hall, and paid $500.00 for beer and wine to be offered for a short period of time during the reception (not the entire time by any stretch), $700.00 ish for the DJ since they wanted dancing, and $25.00 a head for food and tea/coffee/water/lemonade, another $250.00 for the wedding cake, and $5.00 per person for a dessert table. The linens - white - were included as well as plain white dinner ware. It was over $5000.00 with simple decorations and her dress. But they couldn't shop around because he was in the military, and wasn't given a lot of advance notice of when he could get leave so they had to pay premium for some last minute planning. Edited April 25, 2016 by FaithManor 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) My parents paid for everything with my first wedding, but my mother in all fairness is who insisted on a wedding in the first place. I had zero desire to have one. We have told our oldest that we will gladly hand her $10k towards a new house instead of a wedding which we would in no way be willing to spring for to that extent. I think most are such a total insane waste of money for something that lasts 4 hours and no one cares about the next day anyway- simply keeping up with the Joneses. I wish some people put half as much thought into the marriage as they do the wedding. Man, that's the truth. I strongly suspect we'll be wedding planning this time next year. I wonder if it would work for us to do this - give a check and let them plan whatever it is they want to do with it..... I have no problem helping with everything from sewing to decorating and so one, but frankly, I'd much rather invest in a marriage than a wedding. Edited April 25, 2016 by BlsdMama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I see nothing wrong with saying you will pay x amount and if they want something more expensive, they can figure out where to find the money, whether that's from the groom's family or not. There's not anything wrong with giving them "x" amount. On the flip side, there is nothing wrong with being willing to fully host it either. I do want to host rehearsal dinners for my sons as I see it as another period of time for the families to get to know each other and start building relationships. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I'd much rather invest in a marriage than a wedding. Which is why I want to give big rehearsal dinners, it's an investment in relationships.......... by big, I mean large numbers not necessarily a luxurious affair. Anyone in the wedding party (including those doing readings, handling the guest book, etc), all family, all out of town guests and anyone either the bride or groom wants there. More time to visit, bond, etc with people. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsWeasley Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I got married in 2008 at 21. My parents paid for food, which was about $500 and let me host it at their single family home, as we lived in a one bedroom apartment at the time. This was a very, very informal wedding, mostly because we were young and already had a child eating up most of our money. Sometimes, I regret that, and if possible for us, I hope to contribute more to my children's weddings. My in-laws hate my parents, but they hated them (and me) before then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I think that in most areas of the country and cultures, you work it out. It also depends on what stage of life the couple is in. DH and I were in our 30's, and both professionals who owned houses, furnishings, kitchen equipment, and cars. Both of my parents were professionals and well off. DH's family was poor (he dad was a travelling preacher, no salary). My parents almost immediately offered to pay for the reception and gave me a dollar figure. Now doing it for *THAT* amount was tough with the number of people we invited in an expensive metropolitan area. But we found a hotel who did a nice, limited lunch buffet. By choosing our menu items carefully and being out of there by 4pm, it was doable. His parents did the rehearsal dinner at the same hotel (they gave a discount). We also had a group rate at the same hotel. So by putting it all together as a package, it really came out quite well, far less than if we had found a location and then a caterer etc. etc. We paid for everything else. I will offer to help, but I really think that the couple should figure out most of it. We probably will offer a set amount too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 my dd was married last year. dsil only has brothers. we paid for most of the reception, and kept it simple. it was very nice (would have been nicer if I hadn't had a kidney infection). dsil and dd paid for the photographer. they also had an open house/luau at his parents house in another state. his parents paid for that. (and his father lived to regret NOT allowing his mom to get the fire dancers - as they would have been cheaper than what she spent on making the costumes for more than two dozen keiki's with whom she ended up.) the key - is everyone needs to have an upfront and honest conversation about expectations *and what they can afford*!!!!!! that conversation needs to be at the beginning- before people get set with their differing expectations and things turn into a time bomb. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I have 3 girls. One (20) is engaged but hasn't set a date and isn't going to any time soon and the other (18) expects to eventually marry her boyfriend. We'll see. Predicting the future is hard. We have explained to our girls that we'll give them the amount of money we can afford for their wedding and they may do as they please with it. If they want to contribute more or the fiances' families want to contribute to it, great. But we're not going to play the "you plan whatever you want and we pay for it" game. I also don't want them to feel obligated to choose things to please me. I had my wedding and I'm no longer in a position to make any decisions about weddings. They'll have complete control of the money and we'll give only what we can afford and not a penny more with no strings attached. Everyone wins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 I got married in 1993. We paid $2,000 total for our wedding (not counting my engagement ring.) I would've liked to skip the wedding entirely and just do the JP thing and a honeymoon by my husband wanted a ceremony. It was at my in-laws' house and had 45 people, cake, fruit, nuts and punch. We got quite a few cash gifts which we used to cover the honeymoon. We started married life with 2 paid off cars, no credit cards, no college debt. A small starter home was our only debt. About 4 years later we sold the house and my in-laws said they had planned on giving us $5,000 for our wedding, but my parents covered that (with the exception of the rehearsal dinner which the in-laws paid for) so they gave it to us to contribute to more down payment on the new house. That's a much better use of $5,000. Our kids seem to have a preference for modest celebrations and lifestyle so far, so I'm not worried about their wedding plans. We watch Say Yes to the dress sometimes and roll our eyes at the insane amount of money wasted on weddings. If you're rich and can afford it, fine. Most people can't afford it because they're not paying enough into some sort of long term saving/ retirement plan and they've bought too much lifestyle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 Don't start me on Say Yes to the Dress or "Whoose Wedding is it Anyway?" Sooooo not a fan. So much crazy waste. Still my advice is to not under estimate what food will cost. If you and family are not in a position to cook it yourself - hint this often means not attending the ceremony because you are buay in the kitchen - the catering will be a big, big expense. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tm919 Posted April 25, 2016 Share Posted April 25, 2016 (edited) We live where weddings are very expensive... we had <90 people there and it was still over $25,000.. that was years ago. That counts rings, honeymoon, etc. (even though we didn't have a real honeymoon, we did stay at a spa for 2 days). My parents gave me $5000 and my husband and I came up with the rest. Edited April 25, 2016 by tm919 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 My parents gave X amount. They did increase it over the years as prices went up. I married later in life than my sisters and DH and I were financially comfortable by the time we got married, so we contributed the rest to make the wedding we wanted. My sisters married much younger and much less financially secure, and simply made due with the money they were given. It was fine. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Girls' Mom Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 As we are inching ever closer to this, it comes up a lot as a topic at our house. (friends of the girls and young relatives are getting hitched left and right) We will help, but will not be footing the bill for some elaborate ordeal. We have beautiful property they can use for free, their mother is an old hand at cooking for large crowds, and we are very capable of throwing together some nice decor. I won't be saying yes to any $$$$ dress. If they want bling and some great venue, then they'll be paying for it themselves. We keep repeating: "It isn't about the wedding, it is about the marriage." 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 (edited) We have sons. I think that there is some reason to the bride's family paying for the wedding and reception simply because some young women grow up with a philosophy that their wedding is their "dream day" when they get to be a "princess" and it is way more extravagant than I could ever conceive of. So if that's the way a young woman was raised to think of her wedding day, then the family that raised her should foot that bill. We had one of those in our extended family and her parents wanted the groom's parents to pay half. It was outrageously expensive, so much so that only a few family members could even be invited. Groom's father said, "I'll pay half if I can make half the decisions" (financially) OTOH, I would have no problem helping out a couple with a modest wedding if her parents couldn't help much. I am of the mind that a wedding is part of ONE day. It's the marriage that counts. The practical part of me just could never fork over an amount equal to a new car, down payment on a house, etc. for a big shindig. Edited April 26, 2016 by Laurie4b Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 (edited) I think expensive weddings are ridiculous. We are willing to pay a lot of money for education, but not for a party. My own wedding was simple. I bought a dress which was not a traditional wedding dress but one I could re-wear. We had a dinner at a nice restaurant with parents, siblings, grandma and nice (12 people) for which my parents paid. We threw a separate party for all our friends in our apartment where I made all the food from scratch. A good time was had by all. Spending several thousand dollars on a party seems bizarre to me. ETA: The custom of the bride's parents paying stems from times when parents had to pay so somebody would take their daughter off their hands. It's a mild version of the dowry culture in other countries. That alone would be a good reason to reject the custom. Edited April 26, 2016 by regentrude 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Entropymama Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 I think the key is communication. For my wedding, my dad said he'd pay for it. However, dh's parents had been attending the same, smallish church for 20 years and knew everyone, so everyone was invited. Like, the invitation was in the church bulletin. It was a little off-putting that they wanted to invite 300 people but not pay for it. My dad ended up saying he'd give us a set amount and we would come up with the rest, and he flat refused to pay for a honeymoon. Dh's parents offered to pay for the flowers, but wouldn't tell us how much until just a few weeks before the wedding. So there were some frustrations there that could have been resolved by better communication. It all worked out - we're all friends now. I have seen some downright tacky stuff, though. We were invited to a wedding once that included dinner at a restaurant afterward - except you had to pay for your own dinner. It wasn't a cheap place, either. That was awkward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 I think there's no set way of doing it these days. A lot has changed! When our son was married 6 years ago, it was quite traditional and the bride's family paid for most of it, although we paid for all the tuxes and bridesmaid dresses, plus we had to get our family of 7 to another country for the ceremony. (The bride was from another country.) We also gave them their honeymoon as a gift. When our daughter was married, we paid for it all, but it was very cheap, probably $3,000. That was in another country too (the groom was from another country, one which prevented him or his family to visit the U.S. easily, if at all), so we did have to pay for airfare over. But it was definitely much cheaper to hold a lovely little wedding in that country. And because it was in another country, my dd had to plan it all herself. I have several nephews who got married in their 30's, and both they and their brides had already been working for years and probably made more money than their parents, so the bride and groom paid for it all themselves. I think knowing ahead of time if you can contribute as a parent and how much, and then just giving them a flat check, is actually a great way to go. Then you're not going into debt and the bride and groom can make realistic plans. We've gone way overboard with weddings in the U.S. in recent years, so I love to see couples simplify. When/if dd #2 marries someday, she says she just wants to wear a simple dress on the beach with only their two immediate families present. :) I was talking to a taxi driver from Pakistan the other day, and he was telling me that in Pakistan you not only have to pay for the entire wedding if you're the parents of the bride, but it is a very grand affair, and you're expected to host all of the guests for sometimes days on end, including hotel and meal costs. He said he has three girls and each one will cost him about $40,000, and that his reputation will depend on providing for it. I can't imagine! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 I'm amazed everyone remembers their wedding costs. I've been married almost 11 years and struggle to remember who was in the wedding party, let alone who paid what. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 . I do want to host rehearsal dinners for my sons as I see it as another period of time for the families to get to know each other and start building relationships. My in-laws hosted an informal engagement lunch soon after engagement since we don't have rehearsal dinners. Hubby's extended family is big too but smaller than mine. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted April 26, 2016 Share Posted April 26, 2016 I have been to countless weddings as part of a catering crew, and I have tried to raise my dd's without the idea that a wedding is, "your day". A wedding involves a lot of people, and putting unreasonable expectations on a single day never leads to anything good. I will pay for what I can afford for all three of my children. I got married at the courthouse and it was fine, but I would like more for my kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.