Correcting door slamming

[blondeviolin]

My 7yo has taken to slamming his door when he is Angry as a means of expression. We all know he's angry by his tone of voice. In the past, I've had him shut his door softly X number of times as a practice of how we should be closing doors. He detests that and usually slams his door a few more times before he does the requisite soft closes.

 

This morning he is making a point to slam it as much as he can. He also almost baits a negative response and discipline when he's feeling cross.

 

At this point I am considering if I should just pull the door off the hinges rather than require him to reclose the door properly. Too much?

 

We are working with expresses emotions and disappointments verbally and not physically, but it's going to take some time...obviously.

[maize]

I would take the door off, but then we take off most doors in our house just because they seem to get in the way and we like things open. I've never been one to sleep with the door closed, it gets too stuffy. We have a couple of bedrooms with doors, and of course the bathrooms have doors, so those are available when privacy is needed.

[TeacherZee]

My colleague removed the door from her daughters room after a spate of doorslaming as a younger teen. That girl is now a lovely 23 year old woman. I say remove the door. (and for the record I was a doorslamer...and to tell the truth still am.... :crying: :sad: :blushing:

[Julie Smith]

I would take the door off.

 

This thread title made me remember something that made me smile.

 

A few years ago we were having trouble with our front door. It would only latch shut if you slammed it. My boys would not do so from force of habit. I remember once telling them, "you go back there and slam that door as hard as you can."

[ErinE]

I wouldn't force him to practice closing the door softly. He knows how he's just choosing not to do it. Dh and I know people who have lost fingers from slamming doors and we talk to the kids about it. If it continued, we'd likely warn that we'd remove the door for his safety, but descriptions of what happens when doors are slammed has helped stopped the practice.

[MysteryJen]

I don't like door slamming in anger. My sister did that and so did my mother. It makes me feel really upset and nervous. So we took off doors when they did it.

First time. For at least 2 weeks. It was enough time to break the habit.

[Tanaqui]

I corralled my kids after the last spate of slamming and made them close the door very gently - closing it all the way and then opening it all the way - 15 times each.

 

That worked in ONE SHOT, which is not what I expected, and nobody has slammed doors in my presence for three months.

 

But since that didn't work for you, you can take the doors off of everything but the bathroom or bedroom for a few weeks. Not that big a deal. Or, alternatively, aren't there devices you can get that keep doors from being slammed? I know that when I was in school, it wasn't possible to slam school doors because at a certain angle they just slowed down.

 

Edit: Yeah, there are! That's the solution I'd go with, and I'll tell you why. Install them when the kid is sleeping, wait for the next big blowup, and then you can laugh your butt off when he tries to slam the door! (I can be really mean sometimes, but I'd still go with this one!)

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

Um, I love a good door slam. I especially like slamming cabinet doors BUT I'd explain you don't like it and brain storm other ideas you are ok with. Yelling with door shut? Punching a pillow? Leaving to run? At a calm place see if you both can't agree on something. Then if the door slams remind him of what you agreed to. 

[DesertBlossom]

Does he get an allowance or does he earn money for chores?  You could tell him you're really worried he's going to break the door, which would be expensive to fix. So every time he slams the door he owes you 50 cents for a "home maintenance fund."   

 

I've used this for a couple problematic behaviors in our house. My kids are constantly taking food into the carpeted family room, despite being told not to. So now we have a "Carpet Cleaning Fund."  And we also have an "Emergency Room Fund" when the kids are fighting because if they continue to fight like that, someone is going to get hurt.  So far, it's been really helpful.  The Carpet Cleaning Fund eliminated a daily challenge we were having in just one week!

 

[Wilma]

I'd either install one of those no-slam things or take the door off.  Door slamming bugs me and I consider it a safety issue.

 

But I love that joyofsix is compassionate and constructive.  Figuring out a way to appropriately channel that physical response to anger I'm totally sure is the healthiest way to go. 

[Doodlebug]

Since the do-overs aren't effective... 

 

Let him slam the door.  And then take it down without a word.  

 

When he asks about it, "The door was being used inappropriately, so we took it down.  Could you please pass the bean dip?"

 

Best advice... Don't engage his anger with your own irritation/frustration/etc.  Do-overs can work if the battle myth is dispelled, and he feels like he's on your team.        

 

I'm working through this book with DS now.  So far, I'm loving it... and DS thinks it's pretty interesting.  We'll see!

 

 

 

ETA:   :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:   Big hugs.  

[6packofun]

The good ol' "Do-Over" is how we address stuff like this.  Try it again the right way, dude.  (And I'll do that all day if each time he/she slams it again and wants to play that game.  LOL)

[Tammyla]

Alternative to removing the door is removing the door nob, and or the closing plate.  You can still bam it closed, but it's very little bang for your buck; and most of the time it won't stay closed.  

 

That said, I have no problem with removing the door.  I would give a calm warning not during a door slamming fit and follow through with what ever path you choose.

[Wildcat]

This morning he is making a point to slam it as much as he can. He also almost baits a negative response and discipline when he's feeling cross.

 

 

 

I would have taken the door down within minutes if the above happened here. Seven years old is old enough to talk to about frustration (I told mine to punch or scream into a pillow). Repeated slamming is because he wants to see what you will do. I would have removed the door with no indication of when/if it would have been replaced.

 

I threatened to remove doors a few times over the kids' younger years but never had to. I figured that a sheet tacked to the top of the door frame would do the same thing as the door (give privacy). It's impossible to slam a sheet.

 

Slamming doors can actually cause the entire door frame to come loose from the wall and it is pretty tricky to fix. Not to mention the noise just makes ME want to slam something! LOL.

[Stellalarella]

We have solid wood doors and when they are slammed it is very loud.

 

After many failed attempts to end the angry door slamming, I decided to remove the door knobs.  

 

After a week or so, the children invented a tool made of LEGOS that could be inserted (with patience, dexterity, and small fingers) into the recess where the catch would normally have gone.  Thus, they creatively figured out how to give themselves desired privacy and I have not heard a door slam in 3 months.

 

It was a win-win.

[Bambam]

When my kids either would slam the door *or* leave the outside door open (I *really* hate that), I would call them over and explain since they obviously not learned how to properly close a door, we would have a lesson. After the lesson, once they managed to shut the door properly 10 times, they could go on their way. 

 

It stopped. I wasn't mean. I wasn't angry. I had failed to teach them how to close a door properly, and I needed to correct that. 

 

They learned the lesson when they were youngish (5-9). Now at 14 and 17, we very rarely have a door slammed. When we did once, I called the offender back and started teaching again. Said offender started cracking up laughing. It hasn't happened again.

 

[shawthorne44]

A Ex-bf of mine had a sister that was a chronic door slammer.  They took her bedroom door off for one week. There were 6 kids in the family, 2 of them boys within 4 years of her age.  She hated it.   When she got it back, they told her if she slammed it again, it would come off permanently.  A few days later she slammed the door, then stuck her arm in the door so it wouldn't slam and broke it.  She never did slam the door again, and she got to keep the door.  

 

Just goes to show how 'impressive' being without a bedroom door is.  Although, maybe double the time without a door after each new offense.  Or do the Do-It-Again you are doing now, only remove the door when they slam it anytime in the next 24 hours after a do-it-again session.  

[AmyontheFarm]

After one warning they know that when they slam the door, they are asking to wash all the door knobs in the house. 

 

I get up, get the rag and the spray cleaner.  Walk to their room open the door and say "Thank you for volunteering!"  with a big old smile on my face.  If they don't immediately get up and get started then I start to count slowly 1, 2, 3  the kids know that they will be doing this chore for as many days as I count off.  My older 2 kids have blessed me with a few days of clean door knobs.  I'm just hoping when the next child starts up it will be during the cold and flu season, that will make my load easier then. :)

[AmyontheFarm]

ohh and they don't get this from their mother.   :leaving:

[mamajag]

I've taken doors off of the hinges before. I warn them that yes, it's their room but the door is mine. They aren't allowed to damage or lock it.

 

The look on the face of my oldest daughter when I took the door out to the shop for a month was priceless. (She slammed her sister's hand in the door in anger and did pretty serious damage. The doctors are still amazed that she regained full function.)

[Ellie]

I would not take off the doors.

 

I'd be correcting him every.single.time he slams any door, ever.

 

In our home, there would probably also be a more physical, personal correction, if I knew that my dc were truly capable of not slamming the doors.

[Seasider]

One day my dh just went upstairs with the screwdriver and took the door off. Dd was shocked. Slamming cured.

[Ausmumof3]

Does he get an allowance or does he earn money for chores? You could tell him you're really worried he's going to break the door, which would be expensive to fix. So every time he slams the door he owes you 50 cents for a "home maintenance fund."

 

I've used this for a couple problematic behaviors in our house. My kids are constantly taking food into the carpeted family room, despite being told not to. So now we have a "Carpet Cleaning Fund." And we also have an "Emergency Room Fund" when the kids are fighting because if they continue to fight like that, someone is going to get hurt. So far, it's been really helpful. The Carpet Cleaning Fund eliminated a daily challenge we were having in just one week!

Oh yes... My couch fund is going rather nicely!

[albeto.]

I would not take the door off. That teaches him the lesson of upping the ante. You take control over his door, he'll take control over the next thing he can figure out.

 

Instead, I'd consider doing lots of emotional self-checks throughout the day. Articulate your feelings, his feelings (ask for him to correct if you're wrong), and proposed solutions throughout the day. 

 

"Ugh, I'm hungry for a snack and there's nothing I like. That feels so frustrating. Maybe I'll have some crackers and cheese and then distract myself with a game. Wanna play Connect Four with me?"

 

Ultimately, he'll benefit from having skills to identify and articulate his emotions and his needs. You can be that voice for him, and be his coach so he can learn to do this effectively and independently. I'd present it as the two of you being on the same team. You're his mentor, but he's the guy who's going to be taking care of this ultimately. This isn't a matter of his needing to be respectful of authority, but a matter of not sending him out into the great big world unprepared to articulate and take care of his own needs. 

 

For now, I'd give him an alternative energy burst so he has something other to do than slamming the door. Social skills takes time. Be patient. Be ready for him to give you feedback. Don't interpret that as him being a control freak and telling you you're wrong when you lose your patience. Instead interpret it as him applying this skill to his world. Besides, we moms do lose our patience from time to time, and sweet kids is as good a source of advice and encouragement as any I can think of.  

 

 

 

 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

 

 

What would he do if not slamming the door?

 

Yes anger management needs to be taught. Yes slamming doors is less than ideal. But it's much better than most other anger outlets at age 7.

 

Instead of removing a door, help him find an acceptable and satisfactory way to manage the anger outbursts.

[gardenmom5]

Dudeling went through that phase. We told him the door doesn't like it and if it's too hard to not slam it we would take it off the hinges.

Privacy is a big deal for him and it got his attention.

I don't remember if we had to follow through or not.

 

Eta and suggestions of appropriate means of venting frusyration.

[bolt.]

There's a lot of solutions here, but the best ones focus on guiding the child to understand and manage their feelings -- so that consciously deciding what to do with a door during anger begins to make sense for a child.

 

Taking away a door communicates: "When you are angry, remember that *I* am in control, and I will punish you if you express anger physically while handling a door. So follow your impulse to avoid punishment (self-preservation) instead of your impulse to bang things around when you are angry (the 'fight' out of 'fight or flight)."

 

Other strategies (albeto, 6pack) communicate: "When you are angry, remember that *you* are in control, and that there are ways to get a grip on yourself and express (or dissipate, or process) your anger within your own values. So work towards being less impulsive (fight, flight, -or- self-preservation) and towards being intentional to the best of your ability at your age."

 

Parenting strategies that rely on the strength of a child's self-preservation impulse tend to be effective on the surface (behaviours cease) but ineffective in the long run -- when parents are not present, or when parental power becomes less significant in the child's eyes. In effect, the child continues to be impulsive and does not develop effective self-management. Their self management is largely limited to, "Whenever possible, stop myself from doing things that are going to come back to hurt me later." -- which only works in very limited situations (ones with consequence-motivators built in) rather than the wide range of situations they are going to encounter as adults.

 

Essentially: "Don't slam because the door will disappear" only works as a motivator as long as there is someone there who is willing and able to remove the door. So, yeah, it works for as long as a parent will have to live with that child... But it won't do squat for the dorm room, the new spouse, the babies and toddlers raised by the child, the office mates, subordinates, clients or superiors, or the people who serve them when they are elderly. It's short term. You have a lot of power for the long term if you want to actually raise a person who won't slam because slamming is threatening and upsetting to the people around them, and adds excessive wear to the home as a structure. Raise people who change their impulse because they actively don't want to do that... not just because they prefer not to be deprived of the privacy of their room in your house.

[BrookValley.]

I hung a nice, weighted punching bag in 7-now-8 year old's room (was actually an 8th birthday present). If he has extra energy or frustration, he can go hit and kick that bag as long as it takes to feel better. It's a great redirection tactic, and it's very satisfying for him.

 

I would eventually have had to take every single door off the hinges if I went that route. My kid would not stop at one door. Lol. It wouldn't be effective *and* it wouldn't be a good idea (there are a couple rooms I need doors on to keep the toddler and/or cat out).

[gardenmom5]

We have solid wood doors and when they are slammed it is very loud.

 

After many failed attempts to end the angry door slamming, I decided to remove the door knobs.

 

After a week or so, the children invented a tool made of LEGOS that could be inserted (with patience, dexterity, and small fingers) into the recess where the catch would normally have gone. Thus, they creatively figured out how to give themselves desired privacy and I have not heard a door slam in 3 months.

 

It was a win-win.

I would think the lesson on creative problem solving more than made up for the hassle of removing the door.

[6packofun]

I would not take off the doors.

 

I'd be correcting him every.single.time he slams any door, ever.

 

 

 

Agreed. Why do I get an extra chore for their bad behavior?  Where is the teaching moment in that?  lol

[StephanieZ]

Taking off the door is reasonable, but I'd try a more positive approach if possible.

 

How about, get $50 in one dollar bills. Put $10 of them in a glass jar. Each day, if he makes it through the day with no door slamming, you put another dollar in the jar. Tell him, I am trying to help you break this bad habit and start a new good habit, so, for a few weeks, we're going to try this . . . (You don't want him to think that you'll be paying this $1/day forever . . . but, then again, if it works well, you might switch it to a new habit at another time, if you like.)

 

So, tell him, when you get to $50 in the jar, we can go shopping for X, Y, Z (something he really likes or wants). Every time you slam the door, I will take out $2 for EACH slam. (Never go negative, though . . .) Every day you get through the day without slamming, we'll add a dollar at bedtime. (Be sure to heal compliments on him when you put the $1 in.) You can count the $$s every so often (at least weekly, maybe even nightly when you "pay" him) to give you another opportunity to praise him and talk about the nice thing he is going to buy . . .

 

The key to these techniques are that you are seeking opportunities to praise/reward. The more rewards/praises he gets, the better it will work. 

 

Either it will work, and you'll have a slam-free house in a few weeks, and a fun shopping trip to celebrate . . . or it won't work, and you'll have the cash back so no matter. 

 

If you worry about him "stealing" the $$, then this won't work well. My kids wouldn't have stolen cash, so it would work in my house. (Counting daily might help minimize that temptation anyway.)

 

If the $1/day and $50 total seems too much, use quarters and aim for $10, or whatever. But, I'd want to reach the goal within a month or two. Enough time to get a good habit, but not so much as to seem like forever to a little kid.

 

Meanwhile, I'd likely mention that "friends" suggested you remove his door . . . and, if this doesn't work, then I guess we'll have to try that . . .

 

 

[Amy in NH]

1.  Show him what happens to a finger that gets accidentally caught in a slammed door by putting a pencil in there and slamming it.

 

2.  Remove the door or lock it from the outside.  Doors are a privilege.

 

3.  Appropriate anger outlets:

    

     A.  Rip up a big old phone book

 

     B.  Pound nails into a board outdoors

 

     C.  Hit the heavy bag in the basement or garage

 

     D.  Go for a run around the house 10x

 

     E.  Scream into and/or punch a pillow

[abacus2]

It is completely reasonable to remove a door that is being used incorrectly. It's not a parental power trip. It's not like the I would do that instead of teaching my child about dealing with frustration. I don't let my kids continue to use things destructively or dangerously. Sometimes I remove said item until they can use it correctly and sometimes we practice using it correctly while they keep said item.

[Kerileanne99]

My dd went through a door slamming phase. Taking the door off would have escalated the situation for her. However, because of her age (5) it really was a safety issue. So I had my hubby place small hand towels over the top of the door. Problem solved as they are no longer 'slam able' but will shut with a crack left in the door. Plus, it is easy enough to remove if the door needs to be closed for some reason.

 

ETA: I didn't say anything about it, just inwardly giggled at the look on her face when the door failed to slam with a satisfactory bang:). The towels were small and white (I actually think they were washcloths no that I think about it, and unobtrusive. She just looked so perplexed!

[AnnaE]

I dont have a door slammer at the moment, but my god.  I have a screamer.  When he does something wrong and knows he did something wrong, and knows that he will be disciplined, he screams out of pure frustration.  Dont know how to handle that at all....

[Joyofsixreboot]

Are my poor kids the only ones without doors? I'm so not letting them see this ( the girls have curtains in our half divided attic for privacy and the boys sleep in the basement.)

[Stellalarella]

If you just take off the knob, you don't have to lose the door.  It's the knob and catch mechanism that makes the door able to slam.

 

They would slam the doors...and then unfortunately, all too often, I would  lose my temper over their slamming.

 

Obviously we were all having some self-control problems.  

 

:)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Annie G]

I've seen folks take a piece of a pool noodle - like 15 inches or so, and split one side of it and wrap it around the door near the top to prevent it from closing all the way.  Mostly I see folks do that to keep toddlers from slamming fingers in doors but it works well for angry door slammers, too.  You still have to work on helping the kid learn self control but it keeps the door from being damaged and keeps you from going nuts while the kid is learning not to slam doors in anger. 

 

 

[fairfarmhand]

we took the door off.

 

It worked for awhile.

 

What worked best was when my (door slamming) husband made a deal with her. "You slam a door in anger, you owe dad $10. however, if Dad slams a door in anger, he owes you $10." Worked like a champ.

 

He needs to learn calming techniques and how to back down from a melt down before he gets so angry. This will take time.

[Orthodox6]

I do not write the following because I do not understand your concern about the problem. . . .

 

I would rather have a slammed door than a fist punched through the drywall. The repair work takes longer.

 

Removing doors is not an option for our family, as dressing requires privacy and sleep requires relative quiet.

 

Punching a pillow often is suggested as a way to "be violent" without incurring harm.

 

Hope things work out for you all!

[DawnM]

My oldest has slammed doors.  Dh took his door off.  Guess what?  He just went and slammed the bathroom door.  We couldn't take that one off as several people needed to use that bathroom.

 

For the most part he has stopped, but it was an attitude issue, not a door slamming issue and we are still working on the attitude without heavy punishments.

[Mimm]

At that age my daughter would slam the door, and just to show you she really meant it, she'd open it and slam it again. If I didn't have a dog who thinks that the bedrooms are the best place in the world to pee, they wouldn't have doors. Privacy is for people who haven't broken the door jam off. Or for people with dogs who like to pee. ;) Apparently.

[jewellsmommy]

You can line the inside of the door jam with the type of felt or foam that has adhesive on the other side. The door will still close (most will), but it won't make a loud slam. If your child has any chore money, then I would have them buy the sticky felt (which is quite inexpensive) and explain that fixing broken things or making special accommodations to prevent breakage, due to misuse, cost money. At the same time I would encourage the child to use their words to communicate with instead of attitude or doors or other objects.

[Leav97]

I have no advice.  

 

 

When I first glanced at the title of this tread I thought it said, "Correct door slamming".  I was wondering if you were looking for advice on how to slam a door better.

[blondeviolin]

He kept his door today, but I did warn him he could lose it. His doorknob is actually seeing damage because of the slamming (and his brother hanging on it).

 

I'm looking forward to the him moving out of the stage of yelling are arguing every time he is required to do something he doesn't like.